The Art of Everyday Assertiveness:

Speak Up. Set Boundaries. Say No. Take Back Control. Get What You Want. Written by

Patrick King

Narrated by Russell Newton.

What does assertiveness mean to you?

I can tell you what it means to me -

freedom.

It’s not necessarily freedom from

others or from the obligations in my

life,

but assertiveness is the freedom to

choose what I want to do and not be

beholden to people,

places,

and things.

It might sound insignificant,

but it’s absolutely not.

It’s analogous to the difference

between feeling like you’re drowning

versus treading water effortlessly.

And if it sounds familiar,

then welcome to the first step in

taking back your time,

energy,

and life.

I’m a recovering people-pleaser,

passive person,

and overall doormat.

I realize now that I acted in this

manner for a few reasons.

First,

I didn’t know that it was okay to say

no to people.

Second,

I felt like people would hate me if I

disagreed with them.

Third,

I literally didn’t know the words to

use.

These things sound almost silly to read

back as I write them,

but I know I’m not alone in

them—I’ll dig into these factors

deeper in later chapters.

I wrote this book as much for me as for

you.

Becoming an assertive person who knows

how to stand up for themselves takes

far more than a few simple phrases in

the guise of communication skills.

It requires a deep look into the

relationship you have with others,

and more importantly,

the relationship you have with yourself.

That’s why you’ll go to extreme

lengths to avoid conflict,

unable to express yourself clearly and

fairly without your emotions sabotaging

you.

That’s also why you’ll beat

yourself up for being such a pushover,

losing your temper,

or following orders against your better

nature.

Assertiveness is,

in theory,

as easy as saying those simple phrases

- “No,” “I don’t want to,”

and “Are you trying to take advantage

of me?"

But in practice,

it’s one of the most difficult lines

to tread.

How can you get your message across

without insulting or enraging others?

Is there a way to balance your needs

with the requests of others?

Let’s take a look at a scenario that

is likely familiar,

from one perspective or another.

Three friends had been meaning to meet

up,

so Keisha booked a table for dinner

that night.

She ordered the most expensive meal

because her promotion allowed her to

treat herself.

Michael hadn’t told them he was

recovering from gastric flu and

didn’t order food,

excusing himself,

sweating and shaking,

to throw up halfway through the meal.

Gita had paid out for unexpected car

repairs that day and,

hiding a gasp when she saw the prices,

just ordered a side dish so she could

afford a much-needed drink.

When the bill came,

Keisha told the waiter they would split

it three ways.

Michael resented paying for their food

when he should have been at home in

bed,

but he agreed,

not wanting to disappoint Keisha.

Gita,

probably helped along by the house wine

on an almost empty stomach,

passive-aggressively groused that

Keisha was too controlling and they

should have canceled.

There was palpable tension in the air

until things became obvious and plain.

“Why didn’t you both just say?"

Keisha asked as she theatrically paid

for the entire meal amidst protests

that turned into deafening silence.

That was the last time they met up as

friends.

Most people can remember a time when

they have played the role of Keisha,

Gita,

or Michael.

Assertiveness would have been a very

welcome fourth dinner guest.

Michael’s passive behavior stemmed

from feeling too guilty to tell Keisha

he wasn’t well enough to meet up;

he felt obligated to make it out.

Gita was ashamed of her financial

situation and fearful of judgment,

which bubbled into mistrust of

Keisha’s intentions.

Despite Keisha’s outward appearance,

her low self-worth fueled her

aggressive behavior surrounding where,

when,

and how they ate together.

Have you been any or all of these

people on some occasion?

Assertiveness allows you to let people

know where you stand,

but in a way that doesn’t change your

relationship,

and doesn’t attach negativity to the

situation.

If those things do happen,

it won’t be because of your actions

or words.

Think of assertiveness as a bubble

protecting your values,

availability,

capability,

and needs—your confident bodyguard

who stops things from spiraling out of

control.

Being assertive is calmly standing up

for your rights and respectfully

influencing others in potentially

stressful situations.

Again,

it seems as easy as just speaking a few

phrases directly and without

subterfuge,

but we instinctually know that people

are anything but predictable or

logical,

so it’s never that simple.

How do you suppose Michael,

Keisha,

or Gita would react to an assertive

pushback?

We can never imagine it going well,

though there are many ways to smoothly

and strategically speak your mind.

Whatever the case,

it’s this assumption that keeps us

quiet until we reach our breaking

points.

One way to make assertiveness easier is

to have remind ourselves of what

we’re missing out on in our

lives—what’s at stake.

It is anything but trivial,

and it compounds on a daily basis if

you don’t speak up.

Asserting Your Needs.

We all have needs,

psychological or physical,

and the inability to be assertive means

your needs will often go unfulfilled.

On a short-term basis,

this is acceptable and sometimes even

necessary.

Sometimes we choose to downgrade our

needs in favor of someone else’s more

pressing matters.

But the vast majority of the time,

are we really making that choice,

or do we simply feel handcuffed by our

inability to express ourselves as we

want?

Needs are a big part of who you are -

they are the indulgent daydreams of

your deepest desires,

what you wish for when you toss a coin

into a fountain or see a shooting star,

or the goals you enter into a journal

on New Year’s Day.

They are everybody’s driving force,

and unmet needs create feelings of

anxiety,

hopelessness,

and unhappiness.

It’s important to understand the

needs that you have to meet,

as they are what you’ve been missing

out on by not being assertive.

This is what you’re giving up in

life—the costs—by always letting

things slide and not speaking up for

yourself.

Would you discover that you are living

your life in a state of constant

deprivation and lacking?

Noted personal development speaker and

author Tony Robbins defined the

following universal six core human

needs.

Some may apply more than others to you

because some are opposite ends of the

spectrum.

It’s not a scientifically founded

explanation,

but it should provide a clear

illustration of the everyday basic

necessities that are missing from your

life—because of you and no one else.

(1)

Certainty is the need for consistency,

stability,

security,

safety,

order,

comfort,

and control.

It is a basic need that focuses on

survival and the ability to build a

structure and a routine in safe

conditions.

Without assertiveness - If your

housemate failed to spend the money you

gave him to pay your mutual rent and

bills and you didn’t confront him,

leading to angry letters from the

landlord and your water and electricity

being cut off,

this need would not be met.

However,

human beings are complex creatures;

too much certainty leads to boredom.

This is where a need for (2)

variety comes in - this is the need for

diversity,

challenge,

change,

surprise,

uncertainty,

and adventure.

Without assertiveness - Your housemate

always pays his way but views any sense

of decoration or organization as a

waste of time.

Your decor gets you down but you

can’t find it in you to convince him

a makeover is the right move.

You almost wish he’d stop paying the

rent;

then at least you could find somewhere

new.

(3)

Significance is the need to feel

needed,

honored,

wanted,

special,

and validated.

From birth,

we need to feel unique and worthy of

attention,

and one way we can achieve the feeling

of significance is through teaching.

Without assertiveness - A teaching

position you’d love to have is being

advertised at work.

It’s assumed a colleague will get the

role,

but they’re not really interested and

you know you’d be great.

You can’t quite bring yourself to

make your case to the hiring manager,

though,

and they eventually give the job to a

less qualified candidate.

(4)

Love and connection is the need for

communication,

connection,

intimacy,

and shared love with others.

Without assertiveness - Despite months

of hints,

you couldn’t bring yourself to take

the plunge and ask someone who cared

for you deeply on a date.

The moment was there,

but you faltered and they left,

sadness ingrained on their face.

A few months later,

you found out from a friend that they

had a new partner now.

Significance only goes so far,

as humans crave a much deeper

connection.

(5)

Growth is the need for intellectual,

spiritual,

physical,

and emotional development.

This need takes you from matters of the

personality to matters of the spirit.

Without the previous needs taken care

of,

you can’t begin to grow.

Without assertiveness - Your company is

offering training in public speaking,

but when signing people up,

they laugh and walk past you,

joking that the timid mouse wouldn’t

dare.

You stare silently at their backs as

they walk off and resign yourself to

the fact that people like you don’t

deserve to conquer their fears.

Finally,

(6)

contribution is the need to do good,

serve others,

give,

protect beyond ourselves,

and impacts others.

Without assertiveness - You’ve always

dreamed of rescuing animals,

but you’re scared of convincing the

shelter staff;

you suppose the animals would be better

off elsewhere and block out thoughts of

the lives you could improve.

Your attempts at veganism stop when

your friends laugh that you wouldn’t

last a week.

You eat the meat they cooked and tell

them you were only joking.

Being assertive in the examples above

could have garnered you a newly

decorated apartment,

dream teaching job,

a partner,

and a pet.

This is what you’re missing out on;

the stakes are high,

even if they don’t appear to be on a

daily basis.

They add up.

You shouldn’t be resigned to

neglecting them.

Even if throughout your life your needs

haven’t been met,

and you perhaps don’t remember what

they feel like,

you still have them.

It will be impossible to behave

assertively if you tell yourself you

don’t have needs and resent others

who agree with you.

Do you feel that your happiness is

subject to what the people around you

will accept or tolerate?

The great cost of your lack of

assertiveness is a life that doesn’t

resemble anything you’ve ever wanted.

After you evaluate yourself based on

those six needs,

or even just asking if you’re getting

what you want from the people around

you,

it’s likely enough to make you want

to unload,

guns blazing,

on the next person who dares to cross

your path.

You’re ready to believe that you

deserve to be fulfilled.

You may begin to feel you are owed

something and blame others for the fact

you’re insecure or aren’t achieving

what you want.

While you shouldn’t selfishly deny

the needs of other people,

or simply switch roles from masochist

to sadist,

it quickly becomes clear that to get

more of what you want,

and less of what you don’t want,

you must come to terms with being less

nice.

Indeed,

science has bore out the fact that this

can pay off handsomely.

In a study published in the journal

Social Forces,

sociologist Robert Faris followed

students in grades six to eight from

three North Carolina counties for three

years.

Faris used factors like being voted

“most likely to succeed” in

yearbooks to determine the “elite”

students and then looked at who they

had named as their friends.

The “hangers-on” had named a member

of the elite as their friend but

hadn’t been named back.

Students also shared who they’d

treated badly and who had been cruel to

them.

The elite represented only 5% of all

the schools,

with their friends and hangers-on

totaling 14%.

Faris found that the last 81% of

students were still able enter the top

tier through “reputational

aggression,” which included

gossiping,

shunning,

spreading rumors,

and teasing.

This behavior doubled the chances of

becoming friends with one of the elite,

particularly if the aggressive behavior

was targeted at a high-status student

or their close friends.

The victims of reputational aggression

slunk down to the depths of the second

or third tier of the hierarchy.

The conclusion was clear as the

oft-used phrase,

Nice guys and gals finish last.

Aggression was how people got what they

wanted,

more often than not—but it will

probably lead to negative long-term

ramifications.

Assertiveness fits right into the slow

between nice and aggressive.

It’s at this point that you may

realize that your definition of

“nice” is tantamount to extreme

people-pleasing and not voicing any of

your own thoughts or desires.

Assertiveness is something you may

recognize as decidedly “not nice."

And that’s okay.

It will feel oddly confrontational and

tense—and that’s okay.

Your relationships with people may

change,

as a result of them being used to

walking all over you—and that’s

okay.

You may feel that should stop,

and rather pick your battles instead of

making a fuss at every small

thing—and that’s okay.

Just remember what’s at stake with

your needs,

desires,

and way you pictured your life playing

out.

It’s time to stop compromising on

them and respect yourself the way you

do others.

You don’t have to be Keisha,

Michael,

or Gita;

those are not the only choices of how

to handle a hazy interpersonal

situation.

Assertiveness is asking for what you

want,

turning others down,

and making decisions that are right for

you without anger,

threats,

manipulation,

or fear of repercussions.

Everybody deserves to have their needs

met while maintaining their sense of

self-worth,

and no matter what others may do,

you always have the power to control

how you react.

You’ll never be able to stop other

people asking something of you,

but you always have the power to say no.

Being assertive is understanding that

you can’t control what others may do,

but you can control your own behavior.

Your Personal Bill Of Rights.

Let’s end this introductory chapter

with what should be your rallying cry.

This is a powerful reminder of what you

shouldn’t ever apologize for,

and what you are due as a human being.

This sets the empowering tone for the

rest of the book.

It’s your responsibility to assert

your personal bill of rights,

as no one is going to do it for you.

You can’t depend on people to

consider how they might be infringing

on them,

as they’ll be focusing on how they

can achieve their own satisfaction.

Being able to say,

“I know my rights,

and you can’t stomp on them,”

allows you to assert yourself in order

to fulfill them.

The accumulation of contorted messages

saying you must be selfless to be a

good person leads to feeling guilty or

selfish for asserting these rights.

Losing sight of your personal bill of

rights happens because of the

conditioning that forces you to believe

you should put others before yourself

unconditionally.

As you read the rights described below,

notice whether any of them surprise you.

You’ll realize that actions or

phrases you have been afraid of using

for fear of seeming flakey,

selfish,

rude,

or stupid are actually your rights.

They are the key to being assertive

because they give you permission to act

as your authentic self,

guilt-free.

And again,

they might feel “not nice”—but

that’s because your definition of

“nice” needs to change!

It’s your right… to not justify

your behavior with excuses.

You don’t have to give reasons or

agree to things you don’t want to do

because you’re worried that your

reason doesn’t seem good enough.

If you don’t want to attend an event

because you want to spend quality time

with your dog,

that’s valid and no one can judge.

You don’t owe someone something just

because your justification doesn’t

align with their values.

It’s your right… to change your

mind.

What was possible when you agreed to

something might not be possible anymore.

This is normal in a world where the

only constant is change.

It’s a shame to inconvenience

someone,

but you have to look after yourself.

It’s your right… to say,

“I don’t know."

Capable people often have the burden of

being the problem-solver thrust upon

them by people who have the ability to

find the solution but don’t want to

put the time in.

You don’t have to go out of your way

to find answers to things that aren’t

useful to you.

Just because you have an ability or

skill doesn’t mean other people are

privileged to it.

This also applies in situations where

people want to rush decisions out of

you.

It’s your right… to be illogical in

your decision-making.

If you’ve saved for years for a house

and one day decide to blow it all on a

trip round the world,

that’s up to you.

Others’ expectations of you based on

patterns of your previous behavior

aren’t something you have to conform

to forever.

It simply doesn’t matter if no one

can understand why you’re doing

something.

It’s your right… to decide which of

other people’s problems you have a

responsibility to solve.

No matter how persuasive the cries of

“You have to help me!” may be,

only you can make that choice.

If you have the time and resources to

help someone,

then this can be a positive experience

for you both,

but you need defenses in place to

prevent you from feeling pressured,

blackmailed,

or helpless.

If you were to solve everyone else’s

problems,

who would take care of yours?

Certainly not the people you are

helping.

It’s your right… to say,

“I don’t care."

There will always be people who drain

you and demand your attention for every

little drama in their life.

There are only so many good causes you

can champion.

You have to draw the line somewhere -

for everything you don’t care about,

there will be someone else who does

care and can do what you’re not

willing to.

You’ve now seen just how many things

you deserve that you’ve been missing

out on because you haven’t realized

that the only person who can provide

them all is yourself.

You deserve to prioritize yourself and

be the hero in your own movie,

not the martyr who gives their life to

save everyone else.

Prioritizing time for you to meet your

own needs and giving up the pursuit of

altruism will improve your well-being.

You can’t please everyone all the

time,

so start with yourself,

which is the first step to

assertiveness.

Takeaways -

1.

Assertiveness requires a delicate

balance,

especially if you are new to it.

You may have started as too passive,

but take care to not swing into the

aggressive territory where you are

robbing other people of their needs.

You can’t control what others do or

how they might respond to you,

but you can control your own behavior.

2.

Tony Robbins succinctly articulated the

six needs of human happiness you are

likely keeping yourself from as a

result of lacking assertiveness.

They are certainty,

variety,

significance,

love and connection,

growth,

and contribution.

This is what’s at stake every time

you come to a fork in the road and

consider shrinking away from the moment.

It’s not trivial,

and can lead to a life you want,

or a life you don’t.

3.

The power to live as you want is within

your hands,

not to be dictated by the acceptance or

tolerance of the people around you.

Yes,

sometimes that might require that you

step on the toes of other people,

but you are not living for other people.

Being less nice (and even aggressive,

as studies have shown)

is paramount to happiness and getting

what you want.

4.

Write the personal bill of rights down

and post it on a wall in your room.

These are rights,

not privileges or luxuries.

It’s easy to forget until someone

snaps you out of it.

Right from the outset,

you might feel that you’re becoming

someone that’s mean and “not nice."

But that’s because your definition of

“nice” has become skewed over the

years.

This has been

The Art of Everyday Assertiveness:

Speak Up. Set Boundaries. Say No. Take Back Control. Get What You Want. Written by

Patrick King

Narrated by Russell Newton.