E093 - (PA) Why You Keep Going Back — Even When The Narcissistic Relationship Feels Like An Addiction That Is Killing You

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In this episode, you'll finally understand why you keep going back to a relationship that you know is not good for you.

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Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.

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Hello and welcome back to the show, if you have ever told yourself this is the last time only to end up back in his messages again, or if you have blocked and unblocked him too many times to count

if it feels like you're addicted to him and hate yourself for it, this episode is for you because this isn't weakness. This is an addiction, and it's time we talk about it. So in this episode, you are going to discover

why your no contact keeps failing despite your willpower, the brain chemistry behind why he feels like a drug, and how to finally stop hating yourself and start breaking free. And [00:01:00] remember to stick around to the end of the episode where I will pull an Oracle card. This will offer you a message that you can use to stay connected to yourself this week.

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Isn't it maddening to watch yourself block your ex, only to find yourself at 3:00 AM unblocking him and scrolling through your socials, and then waking up with complete regret. Like you have a total hangover from what you did the night before.

To know exactly what you're doing and exactly how it ends, yet you do it anyway. You go to his socials, you unblock him anyway, or maybe you even send the text and you start the conversation. You start the relationship up again, and it makes you feel downright crazy when you've left 12 times and you're back again and you're wondering, what the hell is wrong with me?

I know from experience that this feels like a relapse from drugs and alcohol,

and each time you go back, each relapse that you have, it makes you trust yourself less and less.

You might get that initial hit of the dopamine and after the initial hit, the [00:02:00] binge scrolling or the love bomb euphoria phase of going back into the relationship, you hit the bottom again, and you're so exhausted from feeling like you're restarting your healing over and over again despite your best intentions, despite your cognitive mind, really wanting to stop doing it, wanting to let go of this person.

And every time that you've gone back, you know that it's making it harder and harder for you to leave for good.

This feeling of addiction, this feeling of doing something when you really don't want to, like something else is pulling you to do this. A compulsion of some kind feels real because it is. Let's put this in some more common terms, right?

let's think about gambling and people who have an addiction to gambling.

You sit down to a slot machine with the promise that the slot machine might give you $50,000, right? That's the big money prize. So you're like, yeah, fuck it. I got 25 cents. Or I don't even know how what you put into gambling machines, but whatever.

I have a little bit amount that I can [00:03:00] give or hope that I can get something big. So you put some money into the slot and you win a little, whew. That feels good. You get a little hit of dopamine and you're like, oh, I can totally do it. And then you put some more in and you keep losing and you lose. But then you win a little bit more, and then you lose a little bit

more. and every time that you win a little bit, it reinvigorates. It Reinstalls that hope that the big money prize might be just around the corner. This is called intermittent reinforcement, and this is one of the most powerful addictions because we never know when it's coming.

We never know when that hit of dopamine is gonna come, when the big money prize might be just around the corner. So it keeps us really holding on to the hope that that's gonna happen. And this intermittent reinforcement is present in all narcissistic relationships. They give a little, and then they pull away a little, and then they give a little, and then maybe they increase their bad behavior or their abusive behavior, but then they come back with a promise that it's gonna change.

So you go back. And then they start taking away [00:04:00] a little, and all while you're in this back and forth, this push and pull, there's the behind the scenes hope that this person is going to change, that this person is going to be who they actually were. In the beginning of that relationship,

If you just hold on a little bit longer. What's really hard about these relationships is they are never all bad, abusive relationships or just unhealthy relationships in general are not 24 7 abuse, not 24 7 unhappiness,

there are moments that really fuck with our brain. There are those little wins along the way.

And that's why when he comes back after he did something really horrible and he is apologizing and he's using all the right language and he's telling you that he is never gonna happen again, and maybe he booked you a trip so that you guys can go and have some connective time,

that's why we forget about the bad so quickly, or we justify the bad away so quickly. Right. He didn't mean it. He's gonna be different this time. He's just going [00:05:00] through a lot at work. We come up with so many excuses for what is happening because we know the big money prize is there somewhere.

We've seen it before. We have felt the connection and the attention from this person at the beginning of the relationship.

So when they come back, we justify away all the bad. We have this moment of, of connection, of feeling like they love us.

We get that feeling of being close to them again and what happens? Our nervous system is actually reprogramming to expect the highs and the lows to seek out the dopamine. When we start to feel low, to look externally

to make us feel better,

Just like a gambler seeks out the slot machine with the big money prize, just like the alcoholic seeks out the drink or the drug addict seeks out the drug,

When we are in these relationships, we are seeking out that reconnection, that closeness, the validation that we're not worthless and unlovable.

And you become a rider on the addiction cycle rollercoaster. But we don't see this as a nervous system hijacking, [00:06:00] right? Instead, we see ourselves as a failure. We see ourselves crying on the bathroom floor after the cycle played out exactly how we knew the cycle was gonna play out, wondering why we're not strong enough.

You tell yourself that you're pathetic, that you're broken, that you're worthless, and you keep asking, why do I do this to myself? What am I doing? I thought I was smarter than this.

I had a client, I have many clients actually, who are in recovery from drugs and alcohol, and one of them said to me in our session, she's like, I, I feel like this is a relapse. I'm, every time I pick up the phone, I am back at day one with him. I am dope sick for him again, and he's my drug now.

Like I've put down drugs and alcohol for 13 years, but he's my drug now. Can you relate to that?

What we don't quite realize until we are 1, 2, 5, 10, 20 years into these relationships sometimes is that we are in a cycle and the cycle is stealing years that you are never gonna get back. It is sucking your time, [00:07:00] your energy, your emotional capacity,

your whole world becomes about this relationship. How to get him to see that you're trying, how to get him to change, how to try harder,

how it's gonna be different this time. Let's just assume for kicks that the majority of your waking hours in a day is spent in some level of anxiety about the relationship and for ease. Let's say that you're awake from 7:00 AM to 11:00 PM.

That's 16 hours a day that you are in some varying level of anxiety or thought preoccupation with this person. 16 hours a day of having anxiety pop in at work meetings, taking your focus from your work projects, distracting you from playing with your kids,

maybe even hijacking entire dinners with your girlfriends because you can't stop talking about him and what is going wrong. And let's say that this happens for 16 hours a day for a year, that's 5,840 hours. Of your life that you were [00:08:00] spent in some sort of anxiety or preoccupation around this relationship or this person, holy shit. Holy shit. What could you be doing with all of that time?

On top of the anxiety, on top of maybe leaving and coming back. The thought that always accompanies this is, I should be stronger than this. What is wrong with me? So you're also spending however many of those 5,000 hours berating yourself, picking yourself apart, judging yourself, telling yourself you're not good enough.

Those internal thought processes are getting grooved and grooved and grooved.

So I want you to think about somebody that, you know, maybe it's firsthand, maybe it's secondhand, who has an addiction problem to drugs, to alcohol, to food, to sex, to work, whatever, anything

would you tell this person that they are broken and beyond repair? Would you say that they should just be able to stop that? They should just be able to get over it, that they should just be able to stop something that is gripping them so [00:09:00] tightly and that they're weak if they ask for help?

I don't think so. My assumption of you in listening to this podcast is that you have a kind heart, that you speak to other people and you have compassion and you have empathy. And I know sometimes that's hard to give to yourself.

So hear me right now,

going back isn't weakness. Your nervous system is seeking safety in the familiar, , and your body is seeking dopamine because you are in pain. You're not broken. You are just trying to fight an addiction without a recovery plan. So what do you do? The first thing right in this moment, I want you to give yourself a little piece of goddamn compassion because it would be very challenging

to try to willpower your way out of this.

You don't need more discipline. You don't need more information about narcissists. You need a system. You need support, and you need a nervous system reset. So if you're stuck in this relapse cycle and you know that he's wrong for you, but you just can't stop going back and you hate what this is doing to your life, you hate the time that you are [00:10:00] wasting on this person who is giving you so much less than you are giving them.

You are just caught up in a cycle that you need very specific tools to break

helping women do. This is what I am here to do and I have a safe space called My Becoming Program, and it is designed for women like you who are in this position where they feel addicted to relationships that hurt them and are trying to break the cycle for good.

They're trying to change their relationship patterns so that they can show up and become the woman that they want to be from doing some intentional work around this, clients of mine, not only experience, no contact that sticks, but they feel freedom from the shame and the self blame. They finally come to this deep embodied belief that they are worthy and that they fucking deserve better.

That they don't need to hold onto somebody who is beneath them, who is treating them like shit. That is the inside work that will change the types of people that you bring into your life in all of your relationships, not [00:11:00] just romantic.

If this is you, I see you, please go to the show notes and click through to schedule a free intro session with me,

and we will lay out a plan that can help you find this freedom for real this time so that you don't feel like you're restarting your life every other week. You deserve so much better than that. To end this episode, I want to pull an Oracle card that you can use to ponder.

Sit with, meditate on this week. Oh, there it is. When I shuffle the card sometimes just like flies out, which is what just happened. Long View is the name of the card.

And this is the message that Longview has for you. Although you are here now, it's not the time to focus on being present. Longview is with you, reminding you that this moment is not the end. Look forward through the lens of your experience. Celebrate all that you have learned along the way and keep your eyes towards the horizon.

Gather your rocks, sticks, gems, dust, and fill your pockets. One pocket filled with the wisdom you have earned. [00:12:00] Mistakes, successes, and learnings. One pocket filled with the wisdom you inherited. You are the expert of your own life. Shortsightedness is not helpful. Now make your choices. You will go the distance.

Long view ensures you will get there. Hmm. Wonderful message. Keep the long view in mind. Where you are right now does not have to be where you are forever. There is hope. You can change. You can get out of this cycle. I am walking proof.

I'm walking proof that it is possible to come out of the mind. Fuck, come out of the mind. Fuck. Take off the blinders. Work on your shit. Understand yourself with clarity so that you can move forward in relationships and in life the way that you want to. I am here for you. You are not alone. I will see you in your free intro session and I will see you in the next episode.