[00:00:00] Nathan Maingard: Dear Listener, dear friend. I am going through it right now. And so this episode is one of painful honesty and possibly some despair and hopefully some light at the end of the tunnel. If you're someone who struggles with imposter syndrome, living in a lot of scarcity, feeling like you'll never have enough filled with self-doubt, this is for you.

[00:00:29] And this is also for me because I'm that person too. The only reason I work with the people I work with in the way that I do with the coaching and purpose work, breath work, all these different things that I do, is only because I'm that person too. I'm still navigating those things myself.

[00:00:47] This is Nathan coming to you who has already edited this episode. There's something at the end really important that I wanna ask you. I really invite you to listen to the end for an invitation and a question that is directly for you.

[00:00:58] may this episode bring you healing. May it bring you integration. May it remind you of how beautiful you are, how valuable you are, and may it do the same for me. Thank you for being here. I'll see you on the other side.

[00:01:10] I want to be as honest as I can in this episode, which is a solo episode, it may be very short. And I certainly recommend you listen to any other episode if you are a new listener because this one's just kind of deep and personal and very vulnerable, and I would rather you listen to many of the other guests I have on here who have very inspiring and beautiful stories, and you should definitely go listen to them.

[00:01:33] If you're still with me, then thank you and welcome. I am in a position of deep challenge right now in my life in that I have been gifted by, with more abundance in my life, financially, relationally in, in almost every way, more than almost anyone I know, to the extent that I have actually been supported by other people most of my life.

[00:02:06] And have struggled to step into the power of making a consistent income. An income that supports me, supports my family, supports my growing family, of my wife, and God willing, the children who come through us. And yet, I live an abundant life. I live in a beautiful place. I have a beautiful home. And all of this has come to me through others, through my wife, through support from others.

[00:02:34] So I sit with this imposter syndrome. Who am I to support others in finding their purpose? When I am so supported by others, when I still feel dependent on others, and I'm feeling this deep pain inside of myself at the moment because I am stepping so powerfully into the world and offering my true purpose and alignment.

[00:02:59] I've just got back from a two night retreat watching people light up as I share my practices, my facilitation, the creative writing workshop I've started doing, and just the presence. I feel so comfortable in those spaces. I feel so authentically myself. I feel like the authenticity catalyst that I truly am, and yet I'm in the red on every account.

[00:03:27] I dunno how I'm gonna keep paying off the credit cards. I dunno how I'm gonna afford to do anything. And I'm in a position where that kind of can happen because I have a loving partner who makes a good income and I'm supported in those ways. But it's not working for me. It's not working in the way that I want to be as a man in the world, as a leader, as a a leader in my family.

[00:03:53] I want my wife to be able to relax. 'cause I'm taking care of it, I'm providing, and I've just been having these profound experiences with my coaching clients on these retreats, sharing my songs. I'm being invited to more and more medicine journeys, medicine work. And yet I sit here feeling like a failure and I'm doing it to myself.

[00:04:21] I'm not saying this from the position of a victim, I. And maybe I'm saying it from the position of an aggressor. I don't know if you're aware of the drama triangle, but the aggressor, the victim or the rescuer. And I don't really blame anyone else anymore. I haven't for quite a long time, but I do blame myself and that's the piece that I still haven't worked out how to move through.

[00:04:43] How do I forgive myself for my lack? How do I forgive myself for my laziness, for my lack of resources, for my misspending of the resources I do get when they flow in. For compulsively buying things that I don't really need and thereby putting myself under financial pressure. For prioritizing wants over the responsibilities of the debts that I have to both people I love, and to the bank.

[00:05:15] How do I forgive myself for these things? When I'm the one doing it to myself? There's no one else to blame, and I know that the deeper truth is that there is no one to blame. That blame itself is a story of lack, and of loss, and of scarcity, and the moments where I feel the most peace is when I forgive myself and I'm kind with myself.

[00:05:42] And then take action from that place of kindness and forgiveness.

[00:05:50] It's hard. This podcast is like my favorite thing in the world to do, and I struggle to justify why I should keep going when it doesn't make me money. And I struggle to justify how I can keep being a coach, when I'm not feeling abundant in my work. And I'm struggling to find new clients. And again, I'm not unique in this. Like all of us, so many of us who are showing up in the world today are navigating these things.

[00:06:19] So I'm not saying this as if... like, I've got it so much better than, than so many people, and I know that. And yet, why isn't that enough? What do I need? All the medicine work, all the breath work, all these different things? For what? Here I am. Seen as so successful and so beautiful and so valuable to so many people.

[00:06:41] And yet, how am I valuing myself? How do I feel successful in myself? And I know all the practices, all the positive affirmations and the recalibrations of the nervous system and, and all of these things. And yet here I am with you today on the verge of breaking down. On the verge of just wanting to break something.

[00:07:06] To hurt myself because I feel like I deserve punishment for being a failure and for wasting your time.

[00:07:18] And yet here I am, showing up, recording a podcast episode an hour before it has to come out and giving you all that I have, which is this, this message of pain and of sadness and fear and overwhelm.

[00:07:37] And hoping and trusting that in some way it's a part of the healing of the world. That it's a part of something better, something positive, something transformational, and connected. And unifying. 'cause honestly, I am struggling to sell my work right now. I'm messaging so many beautiful people on Instagram as part of this lead generation process, using a business term.

[00:08:05] To do my best to find the people who have the challenges and the problems that I can help with. And you hear me in the introductions and the outros of this podcast, talking about the people I help, how I can help. Sign up for the five day morning practice challenge, get on the free call.

[00:08:19] And all of that is the intention to both help you. And then if you are one of those people who needs the work that I'm bringing, that my dream and my vision is that we work together. And at this point it's not working, so I'm doing something wrong and it's hard and it hurts. So yeah, I don't really know what else to say. I'm here and I'm going to keep going, of course.

[00:08:42] And again, I am just in such a powerful position because I've been so gifted with so much abundance from so many people who love me.

[00:08:53] And in a way, I hope my wife never hears this episode. In a way, I hope you never hear this episode because you're seeing and feeling and hearing the parts of me that feel like not enough and feel broken and feel like they don't deserve to be loved or valued or abundant.

[00:09:17] I may be wrong here, but when I look out at the society that I live in today, it's hard, it's bad. Who am I to have so much when so many have so little? How do we live in a society that for me to drive a car, for me to be talking to you now through this technology, for me to be in any way in the world is, means death and pain for someone else.

[00:09:45] I, I am still learning how to make peace with that, and maybe that's the war that I have in myself that keeps me stuck in this moment, at this time. Knowing that this phone, the battery in this phone was almost definitely mined by children in the Congo in the worst conditions. Knowing that there are people within a 10 minutes drive of me who are living destitute, who have almost nothing, who can only afford to eat shitty mass produced mono cropped glyphosate, poisoned food.

[00:10:26] And yet here I am dancing around being a transformational guide and doing medicine work and going surfing and living this beautiful life. I don't know, I dunno how to bring it all together. I dunno how to be open, connected, and real when if I open myself fully, I just like catch fire with the pain of the burning of what we are navigating right now as a society.

[00:10:54] And then on top of that, how do I charge the money that I need to charge, that my work is worth, when so many people are struggling with the same thing around scarcity and around money? I'm gonna stop there 'cause I feel like I'm just rambling at this point. But if you're listening to this, if you're still listening to this, I would love to hear from you.

[00:11:17] The show notes always have links to message me directly, either via email or via instant messaging.

[00:11:24] Hilariously, maybe this has inspired you to wanna work with me, which would be very, very funny.

[00:11:31] This is me courageously dropping back in for just a moment more of your time because while I listened back on this recording, I realized that the bravest thing I can do right now is to say that I do really amazing work. I. And if you are someone who's in a place of crisis in your life where you have big decisions to make, whether that's in your career or your relationships, finding your purpose, shifting something in your life, but you don't know which way to turn, you feel stuck in a rut, you feel stuck on the hamster wheel.

[00:11:57] It is my favorite thing to support people in those places. As much as I need support in those places, this is the work that I do. I also write Custom Heart songs for people. I have multiple incredible testimonials of people who've written songs for their wives or for their children, for their loved ones, for themselves.

[00:12:13] So if you feel like a heart song for Christmas or for Valentine's, or just because you deserve it, or someone you love deserves it, please reach out. I'm also really good at building online systems. So if you're looking at building an online community, I have a lot of skill in that area around the practicalities.

[00:12:30] Also using a platform called Notion for project management and task management and all that kind of stuff, or like booking systems. I have skills in all those areas. I can also build simple websites. And of course I am a facilitator. I love facilitating retreats and transformational experiences. Whether that's breath work or holding space for medicine work or supporting others on those paths, or being a public speaker or an mc. All of those things are well within my scope.

[00:12:57] I love doing them. I love doing voiceovers. If you have recordings you need for things. So yeah, just like if any of that resonates with you, reach out to me. I'm so in to serve you and to serve all of us and to make loads of money doing it. May this go from my lips to God's ears and may you experience as much abundance as you deserve.

[00:13:15] 'cause we all deserve to live abundantly in whatever ways that means for us. Thank you again and blessings on the path.

[00:13:23] What I would like. My, my dream for myself and my blessing for you as well, perhaps, if you're in the same position, is that. My prayer is that I can be brave enough to keep praying and brave enough to keep being grateful and brave enough to keep sharing songs and sharing my whole heart in all the ways and to come from a place of authenticity and gratitude and joy and love, even when all the accounts are in the red and even when I don't know how to be an upstanding citizen and a full member of society. An adult man taking care of shit. My blessing and hope is that even with all of that being true, that I still show up for gratitude and music and love and connection and hope, and I hope that for you too. I'll see you next week.

[00:14:24] And may we all remember that We Are Already Free.