1 00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:03,920 Like, if I'm yelling or I'm being loud, there's communication happening. 2 00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:08,000 We can come to an agreement. If I'm quiet, you are so super fucked. 3 00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:12,080 I'm not mad at dad. I'm not. He literally has nothing to do with this 4 00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:14,440 at all. And she was like, but you're yelling at him. And I was like, 5 00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:17,840 no, I'm yelling in his general direction. This is productive. 6 00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:22,360 Like, I might as well have just chugged rocket fuel when one of my 7 00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:25,920 kids tells me that something is annoying. Because, man, I'm gonna do it 10,000 times 8 00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:29,390 now. All right, here we go. 9 00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:33,230 I'm gonna pretend I'm pushing record, because that feels right. Okay, I'm pressing record. 10 00:00:34,190 --> 00:00:37,870 Boop. Hi, everybody. I'm Lauren Howard. 11 00:00:37,870 --> 00:00:41,270 Welcome to Different Not Broken, which is our 12 00:00:41,270 --> 00:00:44,950 podcast on exactly that. That there are a lot of people in this world walking 13 00:00:44,950 --> 00:00:48,750 around feeling broken. And the reality is you're just different, and that's fine. 14 00:00:51,150 --> 00:00:54,510 Now, I want to be very clear about something. My husband has an excellent life 15 00:00:54,510 --> 00:00:57,550 that I facilitate for him in so many different way. 16 00:00:58,650 --> 00:01:02,170 He gets to be a full time househusband, which he loves. He gets to be 17 00:01:02,170 --> 00:01:05,930 a full time dad, which he also loves. For whatever reason, he really likes 18 00:01:05,930 --> 00:01:09,290 these kids, probably because they act just like him, which is like my 19 00:01:09,290 --> 00:01:12,930 nightmare. But it's fine. But he likes both of those things. I 20 00:01:12,930 --> 00:01:16,730 recognize and acknowledge that I am not a picnic at all. 21 00:01:17,210 --> 00:01:21,050 That I am a neurotic mess, like, 95% of 22 00:01:21,050 --> 00:01:24,570 the time. But there are trade offs in life and you're. You're 23 00:01:24,650 --> 00:01:28,300 super awesome setup where you get to be a full time 24 00:01:28,300 --> 00:01:31,820 house husband with a full time nanny might mean that 25 00:01:32,060 --> 00:01:35,060 you get to deal with your wife, who's not a picnic. And I think that's 26 00:01:35,060 --> 00:01:38,820 okay. He also is my I'm 27 00:01:38,820 --> 00:01:42,660 angry at the world receptacle. We've reached a point in our marriage, and I think 28 00:01:42,660 --> 00:01:46,420 this is probably just like the fact that our marriage is a high 29 00:01:46,420 --> 00:01:50,220 school sophomore. Now we've reached the point in the marriage that we have recognized 30 00:01:50,220 --> 00:01:53,860 that we can be yelling, but not yelling at each 31 00:01:53,860 --> 00:01:57,520 other. Like, he's Italian, he's loud, he 32 00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:00,800 doesn't have a volume. That is not yelling 33 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:04,720 so much so that, like, he and his mother yell at each other 34 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:08,560 constantly. And they have no idea. They think they're just having a 35 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:12,280 conversation. And I'm like, you guys are screaming at each other. You're basically 36 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:16,040 insulting each other's intelligence constantly, over and 37 00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:19,600 over, and you don't understand why everybody around you is like, are they 38 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:23,320 okay? That is Just the way they communicate it is the way they talk to 39 00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:26,670 each other. I finally recognize that. To me, it's wild 40 00:02:27,070 --> 00:02:30,750 that they can have these conversations where they're going after 41 00:02:30,750 --> 00:02:34,590 each other for 30 straight minutes about really important things 42 00:02:34,590 --> 00:02:38,430 like mulch. And if you think that's an exaggeration, it's 43 00:02:38,430 --> 00:02:42,030 not. But they will go after each other. And it 44 00:02:42,030 --> 00:02:45,870 brings the whole energy up of the room up to frenetic. Especially if 45 00:02:45,870 --> 00:02:48,750 you're, like, trying to have a meal and you're like, why does my digestion feel 46 00:02:48,750 --> 00:02:52,470 all weird? And maybe it's because there are two people next to me yelling at 47 00:02:52,470 --> 00:02:55,350 each other. And then they get done with it, and they're like, all right, you 48 00:02:55,350 --> 00:02:58,470 want to go get pizza? And you're like, you just yelled at each other for 49 00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:02,190 45 straight minutes, and you just. You want to go 50 00:03:02,430 --> 00:03:06,230 snag dinner now? Cool. Anyway, it's taken me a long time to realize 51 00:03:06,230 --> 00:03:09,510 that's just how they communicate, and that's the only way they hear each other. I 52 00:03:09,510 --> 00:03:13,230 just don't get involved with it. But anyway, the point is that my husband and 53 00:03:13,230 --> 00:03:16,670 I have now kind of just like, reached a point in our relationship where 54 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:21,080 we can yell and know we're not yelling at each other. And I'm 55 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:24,600 not really a yeller for the most part. Like, 56 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:28,240 you're in way bigger trouble if I'm quiet. Like, if I'm 57 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:32,000 yelling or I'm being loud, which, again, doesn't happen that often, or I'm 58 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:35,400 talking, even if I'm, like, edgy about it, you're fine. 59 00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:39,440 There's communication happening. We can come to an agreement. We're gonna find 60 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:42,520 a compromise. If I'm quiet. You are so super, 61 00:03:43,220 --> 00:03:46,660 like, something nuclear is about to happen, and I am not even going to 62 00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:50,420 apologize for it. Years and years ago, when I 63 00:03:50,420 --> 00:03:54,180 was working at a company that built software, we had a really 64 00:03:54,180 --> 00:03:57,700 good development team who could very 65 00:03:58,260 --> 00:04:01,860 easily develop the end goal, big solution, 66 00:04:02,340 --> 00:04:06,020 but not the things that facilitate that thing actually happening. 67 00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:10,180 So they would build the platform that was amazing and super functional, 68 00:04:11,230 --> 00:04:14,870 and then you'd be like, okay, how do people actually access it? And they'd be 69 00:04:14,870 --> 00:04:17,870 like, that's a good question. And so one time, 70 00:04:18,750 --> 00:04:22,470 after many, many of these conversations, they sold the 71 00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:25,990 solution to someone. And as the person who was responsible for 72 00:04:25,990 --> 00:04:29,790 deploying it in this group's environment, I was trying to write 73 00:04:29,790 --> 00:04:33,510 the implementation plan, and I went, you know what? I'm realizing that 74 00:04:33,510 --> 00:04:37,310 I have absolutely no idea how this part talks 75 00:04:37,310 --> 00:04:41,010 to this part and what we need to do to actually Build that out. 76 00:04:41,010 --> 00:04:43,850 Do we need developers involved? So I went over to our CTO and I was 77 00:04:43,850 --> 00:04:47,690 like, hey, can you explain to me how this piece works? Because we're supposed 78 00:04:47,690 --> 00:04:50,610 to launch this in 30 days. And I have no idea. Like, there's a whole 79 00:04:50,610 --> 00:04:52,930 bunch of pre work we have to do. I have no idea how to do 80 00:04:52,930 --> 00:04:55,010 that. And there wasn't a lot that I didn't know how to do on the 81 00:04:55,010 --> 00:04:58,570 system. And he just looks at me and he's like, oh, we don't have a 82 00:04:58,570 --> 00:05:02,410 way to do that. And I was like, okay, but we just sold $120,000 83 00:05:02,410 --> 00:05:06,010 contract to do that. And he was like, yeah, we probably have to build 84 00:05:06,010 --> 00:05:09,730 it. And I was like, you say that. Is that like a one week 85 00:05:09,730 --> 00:05:13,570 process or like a six month process? And he was like, I mean, 86 00:05:13,570 --> 00:05:16,890 it's probably a several month process. And I was like, 87 00:05:17,130 --> 00:05:20,970 you do know that we just sold a go live 88 00:05:20,970 --> 00:05:24,690 of six weeks from today with this solution. And 89 00:05:24,690 --> 00:05:27,450 he was like, yeah, that sounds like a problem. I went 90 00:05:28,090 --> 00:05:31,690 silent because nobody was gonna give them this information. It was on 91 00:05:31,690 --> 00:05:35,350 me to tell them that our sales team sold something that we can't 92 00:05:35,350 --> 00:05:38,750 do. And our development team didn't know that we actually needed to do it. 93 00:05:39,470 --> 00:05:42,990 Even though they built the thing, they didn't know that anybody needed to use it. 94 00:05:42,990 --> 00:05:45,430 And usually if I was in the office, because I wasn't in the office that 95 00:05:45,430 --> 00:05:48,510 often, somebody was at my desk, like every five minutes. It was constant. 96 00:05:48,990 --> 00:05:52,550 And so I almost got nothing done in the office because there was just constantly 97 00:05:52,550 --> 00:05:56,190 people at my desk. And so I noticed after like 45 98 00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:59,930 minutes or an hour that nobody had come by my desk. And I also had 99 00:05:59,930 --> 00:06:03,650 gotten very little done. I was just like, sitting there, like, deep breathing. The person 100 00:06:04,050 --> 00:06:07,890 who I am, L2, because she was L1, came over to 101 00:06:07,890 --> 00:06:10,490 my desk eventually, and she's still one of my very best friends. And she was 102 00:06:10,490 --> 00:06:14,290 like, they're all in the conference room talking because they think you're gonna go nuclear. 103 00:06:14,530 --> 00:06:18,250 And I was like, that is a safe assumption at this point because this 104 00:06:18,250 --> 00:06:22,050 is a stupid decision that is now on me to fix. And she was like, 105 00:06:22,050 --> 00:06:25,770 yeah, but it's fun to watch. And the conference room was like, glassed in. So 106 00:06:25,770 --> 00:06:28,570 she was like, just come sit at my desk and watch. And I was like, 107 00:06:28,570 --> 00:06:31,370 all right. So we just went and sat at her desk, and we didn't have 108 00:06:31,370 --> 00:06:35,090 popcorn, but we should have had popcorn. So 109 00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:38,810 anyway, if I'm quiet, you're in trouble. And the people who 110 00:06:38,810 --> 00:06:42,210 know me know you're in trouble. So 111 00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:46,530 if I'm yelling about something, it usually means 112 00:06:46,530 --> 00:06:50,370 that I'm like, trying to get to the solution about it. And so 113 00:06:50,370 --> 00:06:54,130 my very sweet husband, who is sweet in his own 114 00:06:54,130 --> 00:06:57,650 way, yesterday got so many earfuls 115 00:06:57,970 --> 00:07:01,330 and my 7 year old came up to me and was like, 116 00:07:01,970 --> 00:07:05,810 mom, why are you mad at dad? And I was like, I'm not mad 117 00:07:05,810 --> 00:07:09,210 at dad. I'm not. He literally has nothing to do with this at all. And 118 00:07:09,210 --> 00:07:12,730 she was like, but you're yelling at it. I was like, no, I'm yelling in 119 00:07:12,730 --> 00:07:15,170 his general direction. This is productive 120 00:07:15,890 --> 00:07:19,700 yelling. I was like, it is almost no different than me yelling at the 121 00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:23,260 wall. He is just there to receive and 122 00:07:23,260 --> 00:07:26,900 occasionally jump in and say, what if we. Or could we try? And then it 123 00:07:26,900 --> 00:07:30,020 gives me something new to yell about. And then I get all my yells out 124 00:07:30,020 --> 00:07:33,100 and I say, I can't do this anymore. I'm so angry about all this and 125 00:07:33,100 --> 00:07:36,820 how could this happen? And all these people. And then I walk away and I 126 00:07:36,820 --> 00:07:40,340 go get my shit done because I've yelled at the 127 00:07:40,340 --> 00:07:43,850 receptacle of all of my ire. And he doesn't take it 128 00:07:43,850 --> 00:07:47,690 personally. And he has also learned not to help too much 129 00:07:47,690 --> 00:07:51,490 because then it does become yelling at him then, even though he is very 130 00:07:51,490 --> 00:07:55,250 much trying to help and I so love that he so wants 131 00:07:55,250 --> 00:07:58,970 to help. Then it becomes, oh, you think in all of my 132 00:07:59,610 --> 00:08:02,650 five years of stressing about this thing that I didn't consider that 133 00:08:03,290 --> 00:08:06,690 then I just didn't think of that thing that is right in front of my 134 00:08:06,690 --> 00:08:10,360 face, really. So he's just learned to just be like, I 135 00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:13,960 don't need to help. I just need to cheerlead. I just need to be like, 136 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:17,760 y' all figure it out, babe. So my children are getting a lesson in 137 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:22,040 marital communication, which maybe is not what 138 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:25,800 is generally recommended, but it works for us. And it's the same thing that he 139 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:29,120 does. Usually he comes in to yell about the contractor who's working on our house 140 00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:33,160 and be like, I told him. And then he said, and now it's 141 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:36,010 been. Whereas he usually just like 142 00:08:36,890 --> 00:08:40,330 agrees with me and pats me on the head. I kind of do that 143 00:08:40,730 --> 00:08:44,370 when we're on the same page, but I'm also there with a lighter and matches 144 00:08:44,370 --> 00:08:47,530 like, you wanna. You wanna burn it down? Do you wanna. Do you wanna. Do 145 00:08:47,530 --> 00:08:50,970 you want me to just light it on fire? Do you just want me jump? 146 00:08:50,970 --> 00:08:54,610 Like, I won't actually use a lighter in matches, but I really, I can be 147 00:08:54,610 --> 00:08:57,210 mean in writing. Do you want me to do that. Because I will do that. 148 00:08:57,450 --> 00:09:00,700 Do you want me to handle them? I will handle them. But anyway, this poor 149 00:09:00,700 --> 00:09:04,460 man yesterday got so many tongue lashings that 150 00:09:04,460 --> 00:09:08,140 had nothing to do with him. And thankfully he fully understands that and just 151 00:09:08,140 --> 00:09:11,820 knows that it is the price of doing business with having a 152 00:09:11,820 --> 00:09:15,579 nice car and dealing with me on the regular. Just, there are many, 153 00:09:15,579 --> 00:09:19,420 many perks to it. That's like the worst part of it. And he just 154 00:09:19,420 --> 00:09:20,500 deals with it very well. 155 00:09:23,780 --> 00:09:27,410 My nine year old's greatest claim to fame. My nine year old is she comes 156 00:09:27,410 --> 00:09:30,970 up to my chin. She's giant. I'm small, but she's a giant. 157 00:09:31,290 --> 00:09:34,970 And she's also like 50 pounds. Like 158 00:09:35,290 --> 00:09:38,330 she's probably four and a half feet 159 00:09:38,650 --> 00:09:42,090 ish and she's 50 pounds. She is 160 00:09:42,250 --> 00:09:45,930 a string bean. My youngest says that. My youngest is 161 00:09:45,930 --> 00:09:49,450 a potato and my oldest is a french fry. She definitely got 162 00:09:49,850 --> 00:09:52,650 my husband's genetics as far as her entire 163 00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:57,140 setup is concerned. But my youngest is like 8 164 00:09:57,140 --> 00:10:00,820 inches shorter than her sister and she's 2 pounds lighter. When 165 00:10:00,820 --> 00:10:03,940 they were like probably 2 and 4, 166 00:10:04,820 --> 00:10:08,500 I was like, what do you do when the universe gives you a child in 167 00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:12,180 the 80th percentile for height and at the 20th percentile for height? 168 00:10:12,820 --> 00:10:15,860 I dress them up like Mario and Luigi because what else do you do? So 169 00:10:15,860 --> 00:10:19,110 they used to dress up like Mario and Luigi all the time. My oldest loves 170 00:10:19,110 --> 00:10:22,950 Olive Garden and when she's going through a growth spurt, like she 171 00:10:22,950 --> 00:10:26,630 will eat drywall, she just like shovels things into her 172 00:10:26,630 --> 00:10:30,110 mouth. There is not an ounce of extra 173 00:10:30,350 --> 00:10:34,110 body fat percentage on her at all whatsoever. And so we took 174 00:10:34,110 --> 00:10:37,950 her to Olive Garden one day because during one of her Olive Garden kicks 175 00:10:37,950 --> 00:10:41,670 and she got the adult lasagna, let them eat chicken nuggets because 176 00:10:41,670 --> 00:10:45,110 otherwise they turn out to be hella expensive. These kids go and order like 177 00:10:45,110 --> 00:10:48,270 $20 plates in restaurants and I'm like, why just get 178 00:10:48,830 --> 00:10:52,670 the chicken nuggets. Anyway, so she ordered this whole plate of lasagna, which is. 179 00:10:53,070 --> 00:10:56,590 I don't know if anybody's seen Olive Garden lasagna, but it literally is like 180 00:10:56,910 --> 00:11:00,390 an 8 inch round bowl filled with 181 00:11:00,390 --> 00:11:03,789 lasagna. It is more than three 182 00:11:03,789 --> 00:11:07,310 adults should eat. She ate the whole thing herself. 183 00:11:07,790 --> 00:11:11,190 The server came over and asked her if she needed a box and she was 184 00:11:11,190 --> 00:11:14,600 like, no, I'm done. She. And she looks down and she's like, 185 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:20,400 did you eat that whole thing? She was like, yeah. She 186 00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:23,880 was like, where did you put it? I don't know. But anyway, 187 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:27,080 she has the metabolism of 188 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:31,320 something with a very fast metabolism. She's the opposite of Garfield 189 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:34,840 in most ways, except for the lasagna. I actually don't really like 190 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:38,320 lasagna at all. It's something my husband's mother makes all the time, and her 191 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:41,670 lasagna is very good, but it's just not a food that I like. Don't be 192 00:11:41,670 --> 00:11:44,630 offended. Lasagna. But a lasagna 193 00:11:45,350 --> 00:11:49,190 saved me from what was only 194 00:11:49,830 --> 00:11:52,470 a certain meltdown and 195 00:11:53,430 --> 00:11:56,870 gave me the tools that I needed to figure out how to 196 00:11:57,430 --> 00:12:01,030 get through decision fatigue. And I had no 197 00:12:01,030 --> 00:12:04,870 idea that this was coming. My youngest was eight weeks early. My oldest was 198 00:12:04,870 --> 00:12:08,550 six weeks early. I undercooked them, which is why there is not a third child. 199 00:12:09,510 --> 00:12:12,630 They keep coming out al dente. So when my oldest was eight weeks early, 200 00:12:13,190 --> 00:12:16,430 we were going back and forth to the nicu, like basically 201 00:12:16,430 --> 00:12:19,990 constantly. And the NICU is not close to where we live. It's 202 00:12:20,470 --> 00:12:23,670 30 minutes away at best, without 203 00:12:23,670 --> 00:12:27,430 traffic. And we were going back and forth multiple times 204 00:12:27,430 --> 00:12:30,590 a day. I had just had a C section. I couldn't drive, so I either 205 00:12:30,590 --> 00:12:33,510 had to take an Uber or I had to have my husband drive me. And 206 00:12:33,510 --> 00:12:37,290 we had a two year old at home. It was way more chaotic the second 207 00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:40,530 time. Like, you think if you've been through it the first time, you're like, the 208 00:12:40,530 --> 00:12:44,370 second time I know how to handle this. Well, the second time we had a 209 00:12:44,370 --> 00:12:47,570 kid who couldn't come with us to the NICU all the time. And so we're 210 00:12:47,570 --> 00:12:51,050 basically like dividing and conquering all the time because what else do you do? And 211 00:12:51,050 --> 00:12:54,890 so I was getting up there every day, going and spending most 212 00:12:54,890 --> 00:12:58,730 of the day with her coming back again. I 213 00:12:58,730 --> 00:13:02,290 just had major surgery. Anybody who tells you a C section, it's not major surgery 214 00:13:02,290 --> 00:13:05,680 is lying. Bite me. Major, major surgery. I was 215 00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:09,120 uncomfortable. I was in pain all the time. She was eight weeks early, 216 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:13,920 so that was a thing. And even at that age, 217 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,880 she was stubborn. Just the sheer amount of things 218 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:21,200 that were on our plate was insane. And we are very 219 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:24,960 fortunate that we have family and friends and a whole bunch of people who 220 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,400 are reaching out saying, what can we do? What can we do? Can we bring 221 00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:30,530 you something? What can we do? And we wouldn't take them up on any of 222 00:13:30,530 --> 00:13:34,250 it. And so we were figuring out food and we were 223 00:13:34,250 --> 00:13:37,770 doing our laundry and we were running back and forth between two 224 00:13:37,770 --> 00:13:41,450 kids and we were dealing with doctors and I 225 00:13:41,450 --> 00:13:45,170 was doing my follow ups and I was healing and recovering 226 00:13:45,170 --> 00:13:48,850 from surgery. And we have 7,000 different things going 227 00:13:48,850 --> 00:13:52,570 on and lots of things that people could have helped us with, 228 00:13:52,570 --> 00:13:56,280 and that we probably would have happily accepted help with. But 229 00:13:56,760 --> 00:14:00,200 delegating is often as difficult as doing it yourself. 230 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:05,040 Or figuring out where you need to delegate is often as bad as doing 231 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:08,600 it yourself when you're in that, like, overload. And so 232 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,960 you just go without clean clothes, or 233 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:16,080 you wear the musty clothes from the dryer that sat in the washer for 234 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:19,480 too long because you have to have something to wear, the executive 235 00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:23,570 function to get it all done, like, it's gone. There's not enough bandwidth to 236 00:14:23,570 --> 00:14:27,330 do all of this. And it wasn't because we didn't have people 237 00:14:27,490 --> 00:14:30,650 to do the things. Like, we had people who would have shown up and done 238 00:14:30,650 --> 00:14:34,050 the laundry had we asked them to do the laundry. But making the list 239 00:14:34,610 --> 00:14:38,250 that emotional labor is still labor, it's still 240 00:14:38,250 --> 00:14:41,570 work. And this is not a criticism of anybody around us. It's just how I 241 00:14:42,130 --> 00:14:45,890 learned that, like, in those situations, that's not 242 00:14:45,890 --> 00:14:49,730 the question to ask. And so we were probably two 243 00:14:49,730 --> 00:14:52,810 weeks into this. I was on the verge of 244 00:14:53,370 --> 00:14:57,210 some sort of meltdown. My 2 year old had a 245 00:14:57,210 --> 00:15:00,610 virus, which not great when you have a 246 00:15:00,610 --> 00:15:04,090 newborn, and we're trying to get our newborn out of the nicu, 247 00:15:04,410 --> 00:15:08,130 and now we have a boogery feverish two year old in 248 00:15:08,130 --> 00:15:11,730 our house who is not great at keeping her 249 00:15:11,730 --> 00:15:15,550 hands and saliva to herself. And we had to figure out how to get 250 00:15:15,550 --> 00:15:18,710 our baby home. We had to figure out when they were gonna let her come 251 00:15:18,710 --> 00:15:22,230 home. We had to, like, basically quarantine the house in two places. 252 00:15:22,790 --> 00:15:26,030 There were so many things that needed to be done. I couldn't even tell you 253 00:15:26,030 --> 00:15:29,870 the first of them. It was absolute chaos. We had 254 00:15:29,870 --> 00:15:33,510 a particularly bad day. I don't remember what 255 00:15:33,510 --> 00:15:36,910 happened, but I just know it was a really bad day. The doorbell rings. We 256 00:15:36,910 --> 00:15:40,470 weren't expecting anybody, but also, like, we could have forgotten literally 257 00:15:40,470 --> 00:15:44,170 anything at that point. So I answer the call and it's this woman I 258 00:15:44,170 --> 00:15:47,850 sort of recognized. Not well enough to know 259 00:15:47,850 --> 00:15:51,290 her name. I just knew this was a person who was like, 260 00:15:51,850 --> 00:15:55,290 did she live in our neighborhood? Is she somebody my mom knew? I didn't know 261 00:15:55,290 --> 00:15:58,890 who this person was, but I kind of knew who she was. So I didn't 262 00:15:58,890 --> 00:16:02,570 think I was about to get stabbed or anything, but always a chance. And 263 00:16:02,570 --> 00:16:06,010 I open the door and she says, hey, Lauren. And I'm like, 264 00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:09,550 hello, strange person who knows my name. How can I assist? 265 00:16:09,950 --> 00:16:13,590 And she literally, without prompting, without waiting, hands 266 00:16:13,590 --> 00:16:16,830 me a plate of lasagna, a loaf of bread, 267 00:16:17,630 --> 00:16:21,070 a bag of salad, and says, that's only half the 268 00:16:21,070 --> 00:16:24,670 Lasagna and half the bread. I figured you guys needed dinner. Let us know if 269 00:16:24,670 --> 00:16:27,550 you need anything. By this time I had put together, she was a friend of 270 00:16:27,550 --> 00:16:30,270 my mom's who also lived in our neighborhood. So I'm sure my mom had told 271 00:16:30,270 --> 00:16:33,960 her, but she was just like, these people just had a baby. I 272 00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:37,000 don't know if they like lasagna, but they probably need food, so I'm going to 273 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:40,720 bring them food. And so she showed up and all of a 274 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:44,040 sudden I went from I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to do 275 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:47,720 next to keep everything in order or even get it in some semblance 276 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:51,520 of order to oh my God, we have dinner. I don't have to think about 277 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:55,320 dinner. Dinner's done. I don't even care if I like this food. This 278 00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:58,280 could be a big pile of anchovies. And I'd be like, get me a fork, 279 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:02,010 get me a fork. So we went in, we sat down, we all had 280 00:17:02,010 --> 00:17:05,850 dinner. We didn't have to think about it. It didn't matter. I guess my 281 00:17:05,850 --> 00:17:08,330 mom gave her my number because she texted me later and she was like, did 282 00:17:08,330 --> 00:17:11,770 you guys have enough? Because I have more lasagna. And I'm like, we are so 283 00:17:11,770 --> 00:17:15,609 good on the lasagna. Thank you so much. You are a delight. Thank you. You 284 00:17:15,609 --> 00:17:19,090 have literally changed my day. It didn't matter that it wasn't 285 00:17:19,250 --> 00:17:22,850 food that we would have picked. It didn't matter that 286 00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:27,079 I didn't know if my 2 year old would eat lasagna. It didn't matter that 287 00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:30,559 she didn't ask. Something was done and it 288 00:17:30,559 --> 00:17:34,359 required literally no thought from me because I didn't even know 289 00:17:34,359 --> 00:17:37,479 it was happening. It was probably like 7 o' clock at night at that point. 290 00:17:37,479 --> 00:17:40,399 And it hadn't even occurred to me that somebody needed to be fed. 291 00:17:41,119 --> 00:17:44,879 That's how crazy and chaotic and out of control things were. 292 00:17:45,199 --> 00:17:48,879 She showed up, she didn't ask. She didn't expect 293 00:17:48,959 --> 00:17:52,670 us to do the emotional labor of making a choice. She 294 00:17:52,670 --> 00:17:56,430 didn't ask us what time she should be there. She didn't ask 295 00:17:56,430 --> 00:18:00,230 anything. She took a risk. Worst case scenario, she was gonna leave cooked food 296 00:18:00,230 --> 00:18:03,750 on the porch was a note. Worst case scenario, we weren't gonna eat it. 297 00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:07,230 That's not that bad a scenario for that night 298 00:18:07,869 --> 00:18:11,590 we were fed. That's was a big act in that she 299 00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:15,230 like literally cooked all this food for us. Like, amazing. So nice of her. 300 00:18:15,470 --> 00:18:19,290 But also it really showed me that people 301 00:18:19,290 --> 00:18:22,410 are so kind and compassionate when they ask you what they can do 302 00:18:22,970 --> 00:18:26,610 and nine times out of 10, they really mean it. And whatever the answer to 303 00:18:26,610 --> 00:18:30,450 that is, they will do. It's not like a platitude that they're 304 00:18:30,450 --> 00:18:34,010 throwing out. No. Usually when people are asking that they really want to help, 305 00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:37,690 but the emotional labor of decision making, 306 00:18:38,010 --> 00:18:41,690 of task building, of figuring out what 307 00:18:41,690 --> 00:18:45,120 needs to be done and making sure that it's done right 308 00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:49,240 when you're already overwhelmed. That's why there are a lot of people who are bad 309 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:51,960 at asking for help. I happen to be one of them a lot of the 310 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:55,760 time. But often it's not about not wanting help, 311 00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:59,920 it's about how asking is the same amount of work. So if you want to 312 00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:03,720 take something off somebody's plate, figure out what the thing is. Hey, I'm bringing 313 00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:07,200 you dinner tonight. Do you want tacos or a 314 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:10,990 salad? Hey, do you have clean clothes? If not, 315 00:19:10,990 --> 00:19:14,110 put them all in a bag, I will come grab it. Do you have any 316 00:19:14,110 --> 00:19:17,950 detergent allergies? Hey, you've been running back and forth to 317 00:19:17,950 --> 00:19:21,390 the NICU and you've probably have had a kid strapped to you for the last 318 00:19:21,390 --> 00:19:24,510 three days. Do you want me to take your two year old for an hour 319 00:19:24,510 --> 00:19:28,190 and you can go rest? Tangible, very direct 320 00:19:28,270 --> 00:19:31,950 asks. And that was my situation. It's the same thing when you're caregiving, 321 00:19:32,270 --> 00:19:35,950 when you're caregiving an adult, when you have just 322 00:19:35,950 --> 00:19:39,540 had a medical procedure, if you got hurt, if you've been sick, 323 00:19:39,540 --> 00:19:43,300 if you're going through a traumatic loss, if somebody's saying 324 00:19:43,300 --> 00:19:46,740 no to you, when you genuinely want to help, make the ask 325 00:19:46,820 --> 00:19:50,580 specific and you might actually get a yes from it. If you 326 00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:54,060 come to me and say, this is actually like on a global scale, something that 327 00:19:54,060 --> 00:19:57,540 I struggle with a lot. And my husband will come down to my office a 328 00:19:57,540 --> 00:20:01,180 lot and say, hey, where do you want to go for dinner? And I'll be 329 00:20:01,180 --> 00:20:04,980 like, nowhere. If I have to pick because I got other 330 00:20:04,980 --> 00:20:08,420 stuff going on. I'm so busy and overwhelmed all the time 331 00:20:08,580 --> 00:20:12,180 and I care so little about what the outcome of that decision is. But you 332 00:20:12,180 --> 00:20:15,300 probably care a whole lot more than I do. So I'm not picking. 333 00:20:15,700 --> 00:20:18,500 That's the thing that I have given away. Responsibility to 334 00:20:19,299 --> 00:20:22,620 decisions are emotional labor, burns calories, burning 335 00:20:22,620 --> 00:20:26,260 calories is. I wish it was more effective at burning calories, but 336 00:20:26,500 --> 00:20:30,140 like, that's work. So if somebody's not asking you for help or 337 00:20:30,140 --> 00:20:33,530 you want to be helpful, don't leave it open ended. 338 00:20:33,930 --> 00:20:37,290 And if you're struggling with accepting help 339 00:20:37,850 --> 00:20:41,210 because you know you're drowning but you can't Figure out 340 00:20:41,850 --> 00:20:44,610 how to ask for help, or you can't figure out how to ask for it 341 00:20:44,610 --> 00:20:47,850 correctly. Ask the person, what kind of stuff could you do? 342 00:20:48,170 --> 00:20:51,930 Yes, I need help. I'm really struggling with figuring out what 343 00:20:51,930 --> 00:20:54,850 thing you should help with because there's so much. What kind of stuff can you 344 00:20:54,850 --> 00:20:58,420 do? They might be like, I'm great at laundry. 345 00:20:58,740 --> 00:21:02,380 Can I do your dishes? Cool. Go do it. It's often 346 00:21:02,380 --> 00:21:06,100 not about not wanting help. It's about the fact that the 347 00:21:06,100 --> 00:21:09,740 ask is actually labor in and of itself, and that's 348 00:21:09,740 --> 00:21:13,580 prohibitive. And now we'll go to 349 00:21:13,580 --> 00:21:17,260 Allison, who has this week's small talk. We have a 350 00:21:17,260 --> 00:21:20,900 small talk from Darnell from Atlanta, Georgia. 351 00:21:21,300 --> 00:21:24,560 My teenage daughter told me last week, completely 352 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:28,280 deadpan, that I was the most predictable person she had ever 353 00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:32,040 met. I laughed it off at the time, but honestly, it's been 354 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:35,880 sitting with me ever since. And here's the thing. I pride 355 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:39,320 myself on routine. I wake up at the same time, I make the same 356 00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:42,840 breakfast. I take the same route to work. It keeps me calm, 357 00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:46,920 and it keeps me functional. But now I'm wondering if my need for sameness is 358 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:51,050 embarrassing or limiting. Has anyone in your world ever 359 00:21:51,050 --> 00:21:54,690 had to figure out how to be a little more spontaneous without 360 00:21:54,770 --> 00:21:58,570 it completely derailing? You would love to hear how you'd 361 00:21:58,570 --> 00:22:02,370 handle a teenager's verdict. Okay, I have 362 00:22:02,370 --> 00:22:06,210 many thoughts. I'm processing through all of them all at the same 363 00:22:06,210 --> 00:22:09,810 time. If it hasn't occurred to you that it's embarrassing, then it's not embarrassing. 364 00:22:10,130 --> 00:22:13,970 Like, you're not embarrassed by it. Your teenager is embarrassed 365 00:22:13,970 --> 00:22:17,730 by it, which they're allowed to be embarrassed by their parents. In 366 00:22:17,730 --> 00:22:21,570 fact, they probably should be. Like, it puts some patina on them. 367 00:22:21,570 --> 00:22:25,330 Like, your parents are supposed to be embarrassing. But 368 00:22:25,330 --> 00:22:28,370 if you're saying that you do this thing because it's good for your mental health 369 00:22:28,370 --> 00:22:32,090 and you're more productive when you do things this way 370 00:22:32,090 --> 00:22:35,330 and you feel more in control of things when you do this way. And it's 371 00:22:35,330 --> 00:22:39,090 not something you want to change, but you are thinking about changing it 372 00:22:39,090 --> 00:22:42,800 for, like, acceptance from your teenager. Do 373 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:46,560 they like having food on the table? Do they like getting spending 374 00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:49,640 money when you give it to them? Do they like 375 00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:54,520 your predictability, your reliability? They probably actually really like 376 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:58,160 your predictability. Because kids, whether they fight against it or not, love 377 00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:01,800 routine and love boundaries. And as they get a little bit 378 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:05,640 older, they rail against them because that's part of brain development. But kids love 379 00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:09,280 routine, and it's why they get so excited when routine 380 00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:12,690 gets broken, because it Feels new and novel and special. But 381 00:23:12,850 --> 00:23:16,650 they're usually begging for routine. Whether they actually say that or not, they're 382 00:23:16,650 --> 00:23:20,130 begging for somebody to put the limits on them. That's what their brains need. 383 00:23:20,530 --> 00:23:23,890 And so I would wear it as a badge of honor if my. I'm just 384 00:23:23,890 --> 00:23:27,570 getting to the point where my kids are embarrassed by me or annoyed by me. 385 00:23:27,650 --> 00:23:31,490 And I did not realize that is like fuel. Like, 386 00:23:31,490 --> 00:23:35,210 I might as well have just chugged rocket fuel when one of my 387 00:23:35,210 --> 00:23:38,750 kids tells me that something is annoying. Because, man, I'm gonna do it 10,000 388 00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:42,590 times now I'm gonna do it 11,000 times. I'm gonna 389 00:23:42,590 --> 00:23:46,270 say things that they think are not funny because it makes me laugh that 390 00:23:46,270 --> 00:23:50,030 they think they're not funny. And I don't really remember my parents being 391 00:23:50,030 --> 00:23:53,550 that way. Also, like, if my parents were a little embarrassing, but in typical teenage 392 00:23:53,550 --> 00:23:56,950 ways, like, I was never worried about bringing my parents places. 393 00:23:57,030 --> 00:24:00,470 Like, the only time I was worried about bringing my parents places was when 394 00:24:01,110 --> 00:24:03,910 I knew it was gonna be a place that my dad was gonna need a 395 00:24:03,910 --> 00:24:07,690 lot of accommodation because he couldn't see well. And I 396 00:24:07,690 --> 00:24:11,210 wasn't sure that I was going to be available to make sure that was 397 00:24:12,010 --> 00:24:14,730 done for him like, that we were able to do that for him. And so 398 00:24:14,730 --> 00:24:17,850 that was the only time that I cared if my parents came. Like, I didn't 399 00:24:17,850 --> 00:24:20,849 have that relationship with them, but. And not that my kids, who either. They're still 400 00:24:20,849 --> 00:24:24,290 too young for that. But embarrassing your kids is like a rite of passage. You 401 00:24:24,290 --> 00:24:27,130 worked for this. You, like, tried hard for this. 402 00:24:27,850 --> 00:24:31,210 And their embarrassment does not have to be yours. 403 00:24:32,020 --> 00:24:35,580 Now, if you would like to change your routine 404 00:24:35,580 --> 00:24:39,380 occasionally, not because of any outside influences, not because of somebody 405 00:24:39,380 --> 00:24:42,940 telling you you should. But nobody can tell you why you should. If somebody says 406 00:24:42,940 --> 00:24:46,340 you should and you ask why. And the answer is because that's what people do. 407 00:24:47,300 --> 00:24:50,700 Maybe some people don't. That's not a real answer. I haven't heard a real answer 408 00:24:50,700 --> 00:24:54,220 as to why you need to change up the way you do things, other than 409 00:24:54,220 --> 00:24:57,660 it embarrasses my teenager. Good. Embarrass your 410 00:24:57,660 --> 00:25:01,450 teenager. That's good parenting. Gently. Like 411 00:25:01,690 --> 00:25:05,410 embarrassing. Just embarrass them for humor, for 412 00:25:05,410 --> 00:25:09,250 mortification. Light mortification. You know what I'm trying to say? Take good care 413 00:25:09,250 --> 00:25:13,050 of them, but also make them roll their eyes 414 00:25:13,050 --> 00:25:15,810 when you come near. But, yeah, I just haven't heard a good reason why you 415 00:25:15,810 --> 00:25:19,210 need to. My dad was a successful person 416 00:25:19,370 --> 00:25:23,130 who had four kids and a whole career, and he 417 00:25:23,130 --> 00:25:26,010 ate an egg sandwich for lunch for 20 years, every day, 418 00:25:27,020 --> 00:25:30,820 every single day, it was just easier. He didn't care. He didn't need to change 419 00:25:30,820 --> 00:25:33,300 it. People would say, don't you want something other than an egg sandwich? And he'd 420 00:25:33,300 --> 00:25:36,300 say, no, I'm good with my egg sandwich. And he would eat an egg sandwich. 421 00:25:36,300 --> 00:25:38,580 And then he would go home and he would go to the gas station and 422 00:25:38,580 --> 00:25:42,259 he would buy bags of Funyuns and like slam 423 00:25:42,259 --> 00:25:46,020 Funyuns on the way home, which is not. Don't do that. You can have routine, 424 00:25:46,020 --> 00:25:49,580 but you don't need to. You don't need to eat bags of 425 00:25:49,740 --> 00:25:53,500 fried onions. That's just the worst. So that part of the routine 426 00:25:53,500 --> 00:25:56,980 was not good. But there's nothing that says that to be 427 00:25:57,860 --> 00:26:01,540 an interesting person you can't have routine. There's nothing that says 428 00:26:01,540 --> 00:26:05,220 there's anything wrong with it. If it's something you want to change, hey, there's a 429 00:26:05,220 --> 00:26:07,700 thing I'd like to go to on Saturday, but that's going to be at the 430 00:26:07,700 --> 00:26:10,660 same time as something that I want to do or something that I do every 431 00:26:10,660 --> 00:26:14,140 week. And that's not a thing I have to do every week. But that's just 432 00:26:14,140 --> 00:26:17,860 my routine. And it's going to be really dysregulating. If I 433 00:26:17,860 --> 00:26:21,320 don't do that thing at that time, then that's something to try out. 434 00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:25,280 I'm going to see how I can work, how I can manage my 435 00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:29,000 anxiety, how I can prepare myself to do something different on this day, 436 00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:33,160 at this time, because it's something I want to do because 437 00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:35,800 I'm incentivized to do it. And 438 00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:40,400 it will make me uncomfortable. But that's okay. Remember, we can do 439 00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:43,640 anything scared. We shouldn't have to do things unsafe. 440 00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:47,660 So what you're asking for is how is it? Is there a way 441 00:26:47,660 --> 00:26:51,220 to approach things that I am scared of without completely 442 00:26:51,220 --> 00:26:54,820 throwing off my whole existence? Absolutely. We can do anything 443 00:26:54,820 --> 00:26:58,540 scared. But if it's something really important, like 444 00:26:58,540 --> 00:27:02,300 an appointment that you have to make because it's for your health, you have 445 00:27:02,300 --> 00:27:05,260 to keep this very specific schedule because otherwise 446 00:27:05,900 --> 00:27:09,540 you're. You have tremendous anxiety and interferes with your ability to do your 447 00:27:09,540 --> 00:27:13,260 job. And so we have to do very small, incremental things to try to 448 00:27:13,260 --> 00:27:16,690 expose yourself to that. That's a very different beast than 449 00:27:17,170 --> 00:27:20,850 I really just like going for a walk at 9am every Saturday morning. And 450 00:27:20,850 --> 00:27:24,570 I think I would be upset if I did. So you can do 451 00:27:24,570 --> 00:27:28,330 anything scared. If you want to change your routine, if there's a thing 452 00:27:28,330 --> 00:27:32,130 in front of you that you prefer or you want to try, go for it. 453 00:27:32,610 --> 00:27:36,410 But if it is just a matter of seeming cool in front of your teenager, 454 00:27:36,410 --> 00:27:40,210 I assure you that as soon as you fix that, they will find 455 00:27:40,210 --> 00:27:43,190 a new way, that you are decidedly 456 00:27:43,910 --> 00:27:47,510 uncool and you will be on a constant hamster 457 00:27:47,510 --> 00:27:50,910 wheel of trying to impress your teenager that 458 00:27:50,910 --> 00:27:54,590 somehow ends with acid washed jeans. I don't know how, but 459 00:27:54,590 --> 00:27:58,070 that's where that ends. Thanks for being here, guys. Have a good day. Love you. 460 00:27:58,070 --> 00:27:58,550 Mina, 461 00:28:02,390 --> 00:28:05,430 Please don't fucking bring up mulch to me. Jesus Christ.