067 - Christie

067-part-of-the-gift-has-been-the-work-ive-done-on-myself-final

[00:00:00] Christie: That was the essence of, of what I grew up with. The feeling, this, and not anything that my parents put on me, it was me putting on myself. And from a, such a young age, I don't even recall it happening, that I have felt ashamed of being adopted, that I, That I wasn't worthy of being kept, you know, so I've done a lot of work and it's really profoundly changed me as a person.

[00:00:35] Christie: Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

[00:00:44] Damon: Who am I? This is Who Am I, Really? A podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I'm Damon Davis and on today's show is Christy. She called me from [00:01:00] Rockland, California. A suburb of Sacramento, Christy tells the story of being a shy child who wanted to participate in activities but held herself back from engaging.

[00:01:10] Damon: It wasn't until she was an adult, where her adopted brother unexpectedly suggested that Christy might want to search, that her mother shared her adoption information with her. When she found her birth father, he openly acknowledged their relation. and explained the complexities of their situation as young parents long ago.

[00:01:29] Damon: He introduced Christy to her birth mother, and the women took it slow, getting to know and trust one another. This is Christy's Journey. Christy was born in the early 1960s in San Diego, California. Her adoptive parents took her home from the hospital when she was three days old. She always knew she was adopted, but her adoption was closed, so her parents either didn't know, Or never shared the details of her adoption with her.

[00:01:57] Damon: Christie has a younger brother, also an [00:02:00] adoptee, but they're unrelated. They had a loving family where adoption was an accepted part of how things were. She talks about her demeanor as a child.

[00:02:09] Christie: I was a really shy child, I would say, or that's, that's what I thought it was. I thought I was shy. Um, I never wanted to draw any attention to myself.

[00:02:19] Christie: Um, I, I mean, I had friends, but I wouldn't say I was terribly outgoing, and I could never really put a label on it, but I would always compare myself to other people and find myself lacking in certain ways, like, you know, they were always prettier than I was, or smarter than I was, or more interesting, or whatever.

[00:02:41] Christie: So I always felt like I was not, you know, Um, that, that I was, I don't want to say is good, that's not really the right word. And I, I couldn't put, really put a label on it for years until I dealt with it later on. But definitely I, a lot of things I didn't choose to do, like sports and, and [00:03:00] even though I had an interest in them, but I didn't choose to do them because I didn't want, I guess I didn't want other people to judge me or find me lacking in, in areas.

[00:03:10] Christie: So I didn't want to draw any attention to myself. I, you know, I didn't go to. School dances or things like that. And I mean, like I said, I had friends that I would go hang out with. So it wasn't like I didn't have some sort of a social life, but if I was the person I am today, I would have probably done things much differently as a child.

[00:03:30] Christie: I think.

[00:03:32] Damon: That's really fascinating. It's, you know, adoptees often talk about fear of rejection and, and things like that, but it sounds like you almost were. Pre empting other people's rejection by pushing yourself down.

[00:03:47] Christie: I think so. I mean, looking back and having the perspective on it now, I, at the time, I never really related it to being adopted.

[00:03:56] Christie: I didn't associate the two. I didn't really, I mean, we [00:04:00] didn't even really discuss adoption in my house. Not that it was a secret, because they had told us about it, but I don't think it was necessarily encouraged to talk about it. And I don't. I don't recall any instances of me bringing it up and they, and my parents squashing the conversation, but I just always had the sense that if I expressed any interest or questions or anything like that, that it might hurt their feelings and make them feel like, like they weren't good parents or they weren't enough.

[00:04:34] Damon: Christy wishes their family had talked about adoption more, but she acknowledges that in the 1960s, The prevailing wisdom was you could just transplant a baby to a new family with no repercussions. There was no need for open discussion, therapy, or transitional supports. Christy said she didn't want to hurt her parents with inquiries about adoption, so I wondered if she ever discussed it with her brother.

[00:04:59] Damon: They never [00:05:00] did when they were young. Christy did broach the topic with another child in her neighborhood who would openly discuss her own adoption in front of her mother. It was very different from Christy's home, but even those open conversations away from her house didn't make Christy feel like she could talk about it at home.

[00:05:17] Damon: She thinks she was in the fall, as we adoptees refer to it. She said she occasionally fantasized about what reunion might look like for herself, but it wasn't until she was an adult that her brother randomly

[00:05:36] Christie: About maybe 25 years ago, um, I was with my parents and my brother, and we were, I remember we were having dinner somewhere, we were out to dinner, and my brother brought up, The conversation right in front of my parents, and he asked me if if I'd ever considered searching, and I remember, like, just being shocked that he would talk about it in front of our [00:06:00] parents and kind of looking at them for their reactions and then expressing, you know, to him that, you know, that I kind of would be interested in finding out something when it seemed like they weren't You know, gonna, you know, be upset or whatever.

[00:06:14] Christie: So, so we had had this little conversation at dinner. And then a couple of weeks later, I received from my mother had sent me copies of the adoption paperwork that she had. And so I sort of took that as her blessing to do some searching.

[00:06:32] Damon: Her mother just sent the documents out of the blue after that dinner conversation, with no follow up discussion.

[00:06:38] Damon: The package was filled with legal documents, but not much useful information except for one document.

[00:06:44] Christie: And it was a consent for medical care, and it was signed by my biological mother, and it had her name typed, and she had signed it, and it identified her as my mother. So that's the first time I actually saw her name and I saw, and [00:07:00] her signature.

[00:07:01] Christie: I mean, to look at her signature, it just felt like such a personal thing of hers to see for the first time. And, and then there was a, a witness name on it too. It said witness, and then it was a man's name and signature. And surmised that that could be my biological father, but it didn't identify him that way.

[00:07:23] Damon: Christy didn't take any action with her package of information for years. The internet information age hadn't exploded yet, so she would just pull the documents out and review them from time to time. She got an application form for a search group she had heard about, but she never had the courage to fill it out.

[00:07:41] Damon: Christy said the classic internal monologue about not wanting to disrupt her biological parents lives and fear of rejection were part of her process. She finally took a concrete step forward in 2006. Her son, who was in junior high school, had one of those family tree projects we adoptees struggle with.[00:08:00]

[00:08:00] Damon: But his teacher asked the students to do their project using an Ancestry. com two week free trial.

[00:08:06] Christie: As I was helping him with his project, I thought, well, you know, why not use this to type in Their names and take a look. So I did. I typed in that. I pulled out the paperwork again and looked at the The paper with their names on it and typed it in to Ancestry and found a record that they got married, um, a couple of years after I was born.

[00:08:32] Christie: So I was probably around two or three, I want to say, um, when the two names, when my mother and that witness name got married. So that made me feel even stronger, stronger that that could have been my biological father.

[00:08:45] Damon: It really

[00:08:46] Christie: made me feel like, okay, you know, they, they had a relationship. You know, there probably was some love there, you know, and it kind of made me feel more, you know, more comfortable with the [00:09:00] idea of my conception.

[00:09:02] Damon: Christy traced the people as far as she could without definitive information about their identities. All she could see was that they were very young when they were married, and unfortunately, another record revealed they divorced a few years later. She turned to the open internet where she found an address matching her mother's name.

[00:09:20] Damon: Christy paused and sat with the address. She questioned whether that address could be correct, whether she should send a letter out of the blue, and if she might be outing her birth mother if her birth was a secret. Fear of rejection prevented Christy from taking any other steps. Years later in 2010, she was at home alone one Friday afternoon watching a TV program where a man takes on the task of reuniting people.

[00:09:46] Damon: Christy found herself wishing that man was calling her to say someone was looking for her to complete a reunion. She pulled out her paperwork again and researched San Diego where she was born and found the man's name.

[00:09:59] Christie: [00:10:00] She's a professor at a university in San Diego and it brought up his page and it had a picture of him and I looked at the picture and I thought, well, I don't see an obvious resemblance, but he looks to be about the right age and He doesn't not look like me and so I kind of sat there with it for about 45 minutes and looked at it and there was an email address there, but it was his professional email address.

[00:10:29] Christie: So I thought, well, should I send an email? Could it create problems for him? You know,

[00:10:34] Damon: I don't know.

[00:10:36] Christie: And finally, I just thought, you know, if I don't do it, you know, I was, I was about 47 at the time and You know, so that meant he would have probably been in his sixties. I thought, you know, we're both getting older.

[00:10:53] Christie: If I don't do it, they're just more likely by the time I do it for something to have happened for them to [00:11:00] have passed away or whatever. So I finally just went ahead and scratched out a quick email.

[00:11:05] Damon: She described who she was. Explained that she was looking for biological parents, and that the man's name came up as a potential match.

[00:11:12] Damon: She said if he was interested, he could email her back. She went about the rest of her afternoon, not really expecting an answer to come back very soon.

[00:11:21] Christie: Later that night, I happened to open up my computer, and there was an email back from him. And in the subject line, he had written, Yes, I am your father.

[00:11:31] Christie: Wow. I know I was stunned. I was, and I, you know, my husband was sitting over in another chair and all of a sudden I was like, Oh my God. Oh my God. And I hadn't even told him what I had done because I just didn't expect a response soon. You know, I hadn't even really thought to tell him what I'd done. And it was so crazy that all of a sudden I decide to do it.

[00:11:54] Christie: There he is waiting for it. That's

[00:11:56] Damon: crazy. Your reunion like happened behind your husband's back yet right [00:12:00] under his nose. Unreal.

[00:12:02] Christie: Yeah. And it was a lovely email. I mean, he just expressed that he was so happy that I'd found him. He had wanted to find me for so long, and he'd even, you know, considered trying to unseal the adoption records, but he didn't have my, my adoptive parents names and whatnot, and, and, uh, that he'd give me contact information from my mother, and, you know, he wanted to travel to meet me, you know, if it was okay with me, um, to explain how difficult their decision had been.

[00:12:37] Damon: The man explained that he and her birth mother were both 16 year old high school students when Christy was conceived. Effectively, neither of them had parents in their lives at the time. Christy's birth mother was in foster care. Her birth father's own father died when he was very young and his mother passed away when he was about 14 years old.

[00:12:58] Damon: He was living alone from a [00:13:00] very early age. Christie said that after watching all of those reunion shows where she cringed at the moment, when folks learn whether whom they're searching for actually wants to meet them, she was really glad her birth father was excited to meet her. She drafted a reply email giving him an overview of her own life, including her college career, and highlighting her marriage and their children.

[00:13:23] Christie: He told me afterward he had been in away for the weekend with some friends. He was, um, somewhere further back east and even though it was much later at night where he was, you know, he stayed up because he just knew I would email him back because I was his daughter and so he stayed up late.

[00:13:43] Damon: They emailed a lot and chatted on the phone a few times.

[00:13:46] Damon: Nearly a month after their initial contact, one Friday afternoon, he flew from San Diego to Northern California to meet Christy. He arranged to stay in a hotel to allow them both to have their respective space.

[00:13:59] Christie: I had [00:14:00] taken off that Friday from work, and I wanted our initial meeting to be just him and I, kind of needed to just, the space to not worry about what else was happening around me and, you know, and just that, I don't know, I guess I felt like it needed to be a private moment between him and I.

[00:14:19] Christie: Sure. So I took the day off from work and just, you know, kind of hovered around that morning, you know, preparing meals and cleaning and, you know, obsessing about everything. And. Just keeping busy, I guess, to, to not be nervous, and then, you know, and then he, he came to the door, I think he got there, like, mid afternoon or something like that, and it was, I don't know, I guess everybody says it was surreal, but it was kind of surreal, just, um, you know, to be able to actually see him in person, and, and, I mean, what struck me at first was just his blue eyes, and how, You know, just [00:15:00] how blue his eyes were.

[00:15:01] Christie: I just remember looking at that and, and, you know, I mean, of course it was a little awkward, but it was also very joyful and we just, you know, we just kind of talked and it gave us a couple of hours to, to chat and kind of become a little bit more comfortable with each other before my family. You know, got home

[00:15:20] Damon: that night.

[00:15:21] Damon: Christie was supposed to attend a church event, but she wasn't going for obvious reasons. She had some items in her house for the event. So her friend stopped by to pick them up.

[00:15:31] Christie: In reality, she just wanted to meet my dad. And so , you know, she came in and, and I, you know, I introduced the two him and I said, and you know, this is my dad, Russ.

[00:15:40] Christie: And, and you know, he stopped me and he said, can you say that again? And it was just, it was kind of sweet

[00:15:46] Damon: that he wanted,

[00:15:47] Christie: you know, to hear me say that again.

[00:15:49] Damon: We agreed as we talked that those first meetings can be so interesting and awkward. An initial meeting with a different kind of stranger isn't nearly as loaded with [00:16:00] significance as it is when you meet a biological parent.

[00:16:02] Damon: You try to say all the right things and not to say any of the wrong things to make sure the relationship has a chance to grow. Christy said she was always open with her own family about being adopted, so when she found her biological father, her son took a real interest in learning more about him. He asked questions about this and that, trying to learn things like how tall he might get.

[00:16:25] Damon: But finding him was also significant because Christy's father in law and her own adopted father had passed away. So her son didn't have any grandpas left to bond with, until she found her biological father.

[00:16:38] Christie: I think it, it made it different to, for my relationship going forward with my dad, with my biological dad, because my Adoptive dad had already passed away.

[00:16:49] Christie: I think, I didn't feel like I had to balance the two

[00:16:53] Damon: as

[00:16:54] Christie: much. You know, I felt like it, it kind of freed me up. Plus I feel like my adoptive dad would have been [00:17:00] supportive had he been around for that. I think he would have been interested and, and wanted to be a part of it.

[00:17:07] Damon: The feeling that Christy has that her adopted father would have been supportive makes their reunion that much better.

[00:17:14] Damon: Sometimes, we have this posthumous guilt about going behind our adopted parents backs in reunion. So, feeling like your adoptive parents would have been supportive is really comforting. Turning to the search for her biological mother, her biological father was the one who helped them connect over Facebook.

[00:17:31] Damon: Her parents had seen one another once or twice over the years because they both still lived in San Diego. Actually, very close to the home Christy grew up in.

[00:17:39] Christie: Seeing her picture for the first time was incredible because she and I do look quite a bit alike. And so, it was, I mean, it was quite, kind of a shock to see how much we resembled each other.

[00:17:52] Damon: Really?

[00:17:53] Christie: And so Yeah, and so I kind of sat with that for a while because I felt like I, I didn't want to reach [00:18:00] out yet while I was still While he and I were still kind of getting to know each other in that early stage and while we were dealing with him Because he he actually showed, you know connected me to her Facebook account before he came up to visit.

[00:18:15] Christie: So we were still preparing for and anticipating his visit and emailing and texting and you know chatting back and forth with each other and I felt like it was a little too much for me to also Take that on so I waited

[00:18:31] Damon: Sunday night, after her biological father left to return to San Diego, Christy reached out to her biological mother.

[00:18:37] Damon: She wanted to make sure her Facebook direct message was going to be absolutely private, so she tested it with a friend first. She didn't want an introductory note from a long lost biological daughter appearing publicly on the woman's wall. Christy sent a similar note to what she sent to her biological father, and within a few hours, the woman responded, Asking if they could speak by phone.[00:19:00]

[00:19:00] Christie: So I gave her the phone number and she called me right away. And similar kind of thing, um, I think she was a little bit more reserved. But we talked for several hours and the first thing she wanted to talk about was, you know, where they had been and that they really put me up for adoption out of, you know, love and, and hope for a better life for me kind of thing.

[00:19:23] Christie: And, you know, so we talked and, and she let me know that, You know, that I have a half sister and, you know, was I interested in And I'm like, yeah, absolutely. I'd love to. And how, you know, so we talked and then we, go ahead.

[00:19:40] Damon: I was going to ask, how did her words sit with you that she put you up for adoption out of love?

[00:19:46] Damon: What, how, how did that resonate with you?

[00:19:49] Christie: Um, again, I think it, you know, It, it, it went with what I always, I had always seen it growing up as an, a selfless act. I, I guess I always had a [00:20:00] sense of how difficult it would be to give up a baby, and I felt like I had seen people who had Who had kept a child and who weren't prepared for emotionally or or Financially or whatever and so I think that to me if you you know Sometimes putting the best interest of that child ahead of your own interest can be a loving act at least That's how I felt back then and

[00:20:30] Damon: mm hmm

[00:20:31] Christie: I, I have a little bit more mixed feelings now about it, but I still think that ultimately there's some people who are unable to care for a child and I, and if They don't have, you know, family or somebody that can, can help or do it that I think it is maybe sometimes still in their best interest to do it.

[00:20:50] Damon: That's fascinating. Yeah. It's a, it's a real challenging thing to wrap your mind around because some of us are very [00:21:00] lucky and thankful for the life that we lead in adoption, um, but, you know, you get a glimpse of the life. That perhaps could have been had you remained with the parents, you know, especially if they tried to marry and, and tried to make it work, you know, you question like, well, why couldn't I have been a part of that?

[00:21:21] Damon: And it really does, you do sort of wish wash back and forth between any level of gratitude that you have for the life that you lived. And wondering what could have been. And, uh, and that's really tough.

[00:21:35] Christie: Yeah. And that's, you know, once I'm in reunion, then that's what I've been dealing with since then is balancing that.

[00:21:44] Christie: Because it's like I, I am grateful and I, and I wouldn't, you know, I wouldn't go back and trade the life that I lived and the parents that I had and the brother that I had. But, um, by the same token, I, you know, you. You missed [00:22:00] out on all that time getting to know, you know, my biological family, and so I, I can't give that back.

[00:22:08] Christie: I can't, I can't get that back, I should say. I, um, especially with my sister. That's, that's the hardest part is, um, You know, there's this whole part of both of our lives that we both missed from each other.

[00:22:22] Damon: Christy pointed out that her sister, 12 years her junior, didn't get to be an aunt to her children, who were nearly grown when they first met.

[00:22:30] Damon: And she missed out on being a big sister.

[00:22:33] Christie: And I do see the advantages of us being reunited as adults, because being 12 years apart, realistically, you know, would we have been close as kids? I don't, I don't know. You know what I mean? That's, that's a big age span, so part of me knows that the reality of it could be quite different than my, than what I would think, you know, but, you know, but I do still kind of [00:23:00] grieve for the loss of, of those years together, and, and, you know, if I'm honest, I have jealousy, like, she has some really long time, very close friends that she grew up with from as kids, and she was an only child.

[00:23:16] Christie: Um, All of her life, and so she's maintained these very close friendships, and they're wonderful, wonderful kids. You know, women and I kind of become friends with them as well. And I'm so glad that they were all there for each other growing up. And they were such good friends, but I'm jealous of the memories they made that I wasn't there for.

[00:23:36] Damon: Yeah. It's really easy to speculate on what you missed, what you could have been part of. And, but you know, similarly, you would have missed out on some of the great stuff that you did do. It is so tough to balance everything. It's really, really hard. And the other thing, you know, that I can't help, but think about is.

[00:23:53] Damon: You know, I saw the movie, The Butterfly Effect, where one little teeny tiny change in your life has cascading effects for other moments. [00:24:00] And you know, you or I, having been raised in our biological families, you know, probably never would have met our spouses, right? And we never would have had the children that we actually have now.

[00:24:13] Damon: You know, life would have been completely different on a different trajectory. So it's hard not to sort of look at these possibilities for other situations and without reflecting on the current moment that you're in. And I think that's a real struggle that adoptees often have. So. Um, tell me more. And I think that's where

[00:24:33] Christie: I've been.

[00:24:34] Damon: That's where you've been recently. I

[00:24:35] Christie: was just going to say, I think that's where I've been over the last, um, probably five to six years is trying to reconcile those two. And how do I, how do I live with them both and kind of make peace with, with the whole thing, you know, because yeah, because it is, you know, I am grateful and I am happy for what I've had and for what, You know, for how I've been, but by the same token, you [00:25:00] know, how do I reconcile with what I've missed?

[00:25:03] Damon: In the following weeks, Christy and her birth mother talked for hours. She asked if her birth mother had a chance to speak with her daughter, Christy's sister. Growing up, her sister used to ask for a sister for Christmas, and their mother was torn between sharing that there actually was a sister out there somewhere, We're keeping that fact to herself.

[00:25:23] Damon: Christy's sister didn't know she existed. After their first few conversations, their mother had to gather herself to share this huge news with her second daughter, face to face. Christy knew she was no longer a secret when she received a Facebook friend request from her younger sister.

[00:25:41] Christie: Then we started chatting back and forth and then, and then she was at a, Like a baby shower or a wedding shower or something for a friend and it was all this group of friends that she'd grown up with and so she was sharing this secret with them that she had just found out right before she went to this.

[00:25:59] Christie: Our [00:26:00] mother just told her right before that.

[00:26:01] Damon: Wow.

[00:26:02] Christie: And so then they all promptly together got on Facebook trying to find me and, and, uh, you know, sent me, sent me the request. And so, so then she and I were talking later and then. In the middle of that, our mom called me and, and uh, so I switched over and said, Can I call you right back?

[00:26:21] Christie: I'm on the phone with, you know, my sister and she goes, You mean, Do you mean my daughter? That was fast work. Ha ha ha. Yeah, exactly.

[00:26:30] Damon: Christy's sister traveled up north to meet her for a girls trip to Lake Tahoe. Christy took her own daughter and nieces on the trip, but the sisters had a chance to bond too.

[00:26:40] Damon: Their existing relationship was important when Christy went down to San Diego to visit her birth mother for the first time. When her flight landed, her birth father picked her up at the airport and took her to a restaurant to meet her birth mother, her husband, and her sister.

[00:26:56] Christie: We all just had dinner together, and it was, [00:27:00] you know, it was with the big group like that.

[00:27:02] Christie: I'm more of a one on one person, so it was a little bit more awkward for me.

[00:27:06] Damon: Yeah.

[00:27:08] Christie: So I think I kind of more keyed in on my sister during the dinner, but I was there for a week, so my mother and I did get to spend some time alone and together and to get to know each other. And I think our relationship probably moved the most slowly out of the three, because I think we were both very, very careful around each other in the beginning.

[00:27:31] Christie: She had a lot that she grew up with.

[00:27:37] Christie: Multiple foster care situation. So she had some baggage from growing up and, um, I think in general, she can be a little bit more guarded just with everybody. And so I think our relationship was just a little bit more slow growing, um, You know, more, a little bit on the surface in the beginning.

[00:27:59] Damon: Christy says her [00:28:00] birth father had been through therapy and dealt with some of his issues from that time in his life, so he was more of an open book, capable of sharing things with her from the outset.

[00:28:09] Damon: She says she didn't have the foresight to plan a slow, methodical reunion with her birth mother, but that's how things unfolded, and it's been a productive approach in the end. Christie and her birth mother eventually did a DNA test just to confirm what they already knew. That technical validation, and their slow process of getting to know and trust one another, have made them very close.

[00:28:33] Christie: I think there was a big part of her that was worried that I would hold something, you know, that I would be mad at her or, um, or hold something against her because she gave it up. And so maybe once she realized that, that I understand the decision that she made and I'm, I'm accepting of it. Maybe once she came to that realization, you know, she doesn't feel like I'm blaming her.

[00:28:57] Christie: I don't know.

[00:28:58] Damon: You have to get comfortable.

[00:28:59] Christie: Something changed. [00:29:00]

[00:29:00] Damon: That's good. I'm, I'm glad that she was able to reach that point of feeling more comfortable with your relationship. I was really curious to know how Christy's adoptive mom felt about everything she had been through. She says that while her mother wasn't fully present, she's really glad they were able to make the connection with her birth family together.

[00:29:20] Christie: My adoptive mom actually, when I first reunited with my dad over the, um, you know, the email, I I felt like she needed to be the first person that I told so I, I think I had her over for dinner the next night and I told her and, and she said, Oh, well, I, you know, that's great. I'd really like to meet him. And so when he came up to visit, she came over for dinner and met him.

[00:29:45] Christie: And at the time she was, um, in kind of the um, Uh, Not beginning, probably a little bit past the beginning stages of dementia, and so I don't think she was fully aware at the [00:30:00] time as she would have been like maybe five years earlier and fully participatory, you

[00:30:05] Damon: know,

[00:30:05] Christie: I mean, she had an awareness and understanding, but she was starting to kind of lose.

[00:30:11] Christie: You know, the short term memory at that time,

[00:30:14] Damon: so

[00:30:15] Christie: she really didn't retain it for very long. And then, one of the times I went down to San Diego, she went with me. And, and so she met my mother at that time, and my sister, and all that, and um, and, and then she went and visited, you know, friends that we had grown up with, and my brother, and And that sort of thing.

[00:30:35] Christie: Well, I visited with the rest of them.

[00:30:37] Damon: Well, that's amazing that you were able to include her. Even, I'm, I'm sensitive to that piece right there. Because I have a similar challenge with my own adoptive mother. And, you know, struggles with mental illness. And, but it's great that she, your adoptive mother, was able to be involved.

[00:30:56] Damon: Right, even if she was, you know, 75 percent [00:31:00] there, you know, your gut was that she was supportive and that she wanted to be participatory and that's, that's really great to be able to include her.

[00:31:08] Christie: Yeah, because it really, I, you know, I mean, clearly whatever reaction I would have gotten from her at the time would have carried forward with me going full, you know, going, you know, Moving on with them.

[00:31:20] Christie: And I think if I had gotten a different reaction, if she had felt threatened or been, you know, in any way upset about it, I think that would have not freed me up to, you know, to pursue the relationship. So, you know, so it's been, you know, I mean, it, you know, and like, like you said, you kind of, I kind of wish that I'd done it earlier so that she could have actually participated and my dad, but, you know, I think everything sort of happens in its timing.

[00:31:48] Damon: When we closed, Christy said Reunion has helped her understand herself as an adoptee and allowed her to acknowledge the effects of adoption on herself. She's focused on her own [00:32:00] growth as an adoptee, reading blogs and books and, of course, listening to podcasts. She closes, telling us about her growth journey.

[00:32:08] Christie: Kind of the, the biggest thing for me that's happened as a result of being reunited is that I've dealt with, um, issues that I didn't even know I had about being adopted. You know, I, I, I wasn't aware that what I originally labeled as shyness growing up or self esteem or whatever. I, I now come to, To believe that that was because I was adopted that and I probably it was a fence mechanism, but I think you can't grow up with knowing that you were given away that.

[00:32:47] Christie: You know, doesn't affect you in some way, and I feel like it really was a big part of making me sheltered down and hunkered down against the world and not letting, [00:33:00] you know, like you said, you know, kind of pre empting this reject, rejection.

[00:33:04] Damon: Yeah.

[00:33:05] Christie: And And so being able to be reunited with them and feeling that acceptance and, I mean, it's not been without, you know, bumps in the road with emotions that came up that I had no idea that were going to happen, you know, out of the blue and all of a sudden, you know, I'm dealing with these, these Heavy emotions, but it's really pushed me to kinda do some self therapy, I guess.

[00:33:35] Christie: And, and, you know, I've read a lot of books and, um, listened to a lot of podcasts,

[00:33:41] Damon: a lot of,

[00:33:42] Christie: read a lot of blogs and all sorts of things. And there was one blog that I had read one time and, and I can't remember the, the author's name, but. The title is, um, Am I Blood or Am I Water? And it talks about the shame of being [00:34:00] adopted and how there's a big part of you that You know, feels ashamed that, you know, that you weren't worthy of keeping and, and it just really struck a chord with me and made me realize that that was the essence of, of what I grew up with, the feeling, this, and not anything that my parents put on me.

[00:34:20] Christie: It was me putting on myself. And from such a young age, I don't even recall it happening that I have felt ashamed of being adopted, that I, That I wasn't worthy of being capped, you know, so I've done a lot of work and it's really Profoundly changed as a person. I mean, I I'm just such a different person and I'm so at ease with myself now Different way than I used to be and I'm so much more willing to Go to places I wouldn't have gone before and to experience emotions.

[00:34:56] Christie: I think a part of me has shut off emotions over the years, [00:35:00] too,

[00:35:00] Damon: and

[00:35:00] Christie: I'm realizing that, and even, even grief and things like that when my adoptive dad died, I don't feel like I truly grieved, you know. I feel like I just shut it off and, and compartmentalized that and. I think, I don't know if that's a common thing for adoptees, but I think in shutting off the bad, you also shut off the good.

[00:35:22] Christie: And I don't want to, I don't want to live my life with these buffered emotions. You know, I don't want to live the rest of my life that way, and you know, and I, And so that's what a lot of my, my self work has been on since I've realized all of this.

[00:35:40] Damon: That's amazing that you're able to reach a point of introspection and therefore sort of capability to recognize what any one of these emotions is by itself, let alone that, you know, it's both the good and the bad, that you've turned off positive emotions and negative ones in order to sort of [00:36:00] dull down everything and not feel What ultimately sounds like some internal pain.

[00:36:05] Damon: I mean, reaching this point as an adult is, is tough for anybody, but I think it's can be incredibly challenging for adoptees who have lived an entire life with this question in the back of their mind. Why was I adopted? And if you don't have those answers, um, you'll struggle with that mightily.

[00:36:29] Christie: Yeah. And I'm, and I mean, I feel very fortunate.

[00:36:31] Christie: I mean, and lucky that I've, that I have forged these relationships with my biological family. I mean, I know so many people get that secondary rejection and that just is so heartbreaking. Yeah. You know that they have to go through it again and that all these hopes they had of having this are so dashed So I gosh it I mean that just that just breaks my heart when I hear those stories So I do feel fortunate that I that I have had the reception that I've had [00:37:00] from them but you know, but it has allowed me to do the personal work that I needed to do and so

[00:37:07] Damon: Yeah.

[00:37:07] Christie: That's, that's even a, almost a bigger gift, but you know, it's been worthwhile because it's led me to this, I, what, what I think is a much more healthy place for me to be in. Yeah.

[00:37:17] Damon: I totally agree. I totally agree. And I'm glad that you've reached it too. I mean, this has been quite a journey that you've been on for years and years sitting on the information, but finally reaching points in your life where you felt like you were ready to start the search, locate the folks and learn what they had to say and, and try to accept it.

[00:37:35] Damon: But I'm glad that. They were able to give you some of the closure that you've wanted, that they were receptive and open to reuniting with you, and that things seem to be going okay. So I'm, I'm glad for you for that.

[00:37:47] Christie: Yeah, definitely. Very

[00:37:49] Damon: good. Thank you, Christy, for taking time to talk to me. I appreciate it.

[00:37:53] Christie: Oh, thank you. And thank you for, you know, being part of the voice out there for adoptees, because, you know, all of [00:38:00] those various voices through print and through, you know, podcasts and whatever have been. You know, like I said, my self, my self therapy as well, because every time, even though my story may be dramatically different from another adoptee's as they're sharing their story, I always connect with certain parts of it and, and it helps put, it helps me dig down deep and realize Pull out feelings that I've had that I'm not even aware of, and it puts, it puts a voice to those feelings.

[00:38:31] Damon: Yeah, thank you.

[00:38:32] Christie: Those experiences have been very helpful for me.

[00:38:35] Damon: That's exactly why I think most of us do this, is because we recognize that there are so many people out there who are impacted. You know, positively, negatively, and in other ways, by adoption. And, uh, it tends to be one of those things that people don't talk openly about.

[00:38:51] Damon: And, uh, and I'm glad to be part of a community that's now doing so. So, thank you for that. I appreciate it. Take care. All the best, Christy.

[00:38:59] Christie: All right. [00:39:00] Same to you. Bye.

[00:39:04] Damon: Hey, it's me. Christy said the road to understanding herself as an adoptee hasn't been easy. And there have been times when she's had to deal with some intense emotional breakdowns. Thankfully, her husband has been right there to support her. I really liked that her birth father was so open and receptive to her re emergence and admitted the complexities of the teen romance where she was conceived.

[00:39:28] Damon: And I was really interested to hear about her birth mother's trepidation over their reconnection because they needed to build trust between them. But I was especially sensitive to Christy's adopted mother's issues at the time of her maternal reunion. I had the same problem in my maternal reunion, except my adopted mother was much further in her mental deterioration.

[00:39:48] Damon: I was glad that Christy's mother could be even partially cognizant of her daughter's reunion. It seemed to really mean a lot to Christy. I'm Damon Davis, and I hope you'll find [00:40:00] something in Christy's journey that inspires you, validates your feelings about wanting to search, or motivates you to have the strength along your journey to learn.

[00:40:09] Damon: Who am I really? If you would like to share your adoption journey and your attempt to connect with your biological family, please visit whoamireallypodcast. com slash share. You can choose to share your whole story, maintain some privacy about parts of your journey, or share completely anonymously. You can find the show at facebook.

[00:40:30] Damon: com slash WAI really, or follow me on Twitter at WAI really. And please, if you like the show, you can support me at patreon. com slash WAIreally. You can subscribe to Who Am I Really on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, or wherever you get your podcasts. And while you're there, it would mean so much to me if you would take a moment to share a rating or leave a comment.

[00:40:56] Damon: Those ratings can help others to find the podcast [00:41:00] too.