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welcome to the science of self I'm Russell 
founder of Newton Media Group and today  

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we're going to help you learn to improve 
your life from the inside out stick around  

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today is Thursday February 9th 2023.

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I don't know what your personal values are in 
today's episode from Peter Holland's book The  

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Art of strategic decision making Peter Hollins 
takes us through a process to understand our  

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personal needs and how those needs inform our 
values our principles and our beliefs foreign

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If you’ve found yourself asking 
the question “who am I?”,  

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you might have also been asking 
simultaneously, “What should I do?”

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Our lack of genuine identity can show itself in 
an inability to make decisions, to choose a path,  

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to set a goal, or to say what we want—in other 
words, what we do is a reflection of who we are.

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If we have a problem with one, we 
usually have a problem with the other.

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So, this is where we’ll begin.

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If you’re unsure of how to act, you’re also 
probably a little unsure of who you are.

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Knowing how best to act is a question 
of knowing what kind of person you are.

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If you are someone who prioritizes family 
and social connection above anything else,  

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for example, you don’t need to think too 
hard about the dilemma of working late  

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nights at the office versus spending 
quality time with your young children.

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Your identity informs your choices.

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In fact, how we respond to 
life’s dilemmas, choices,  

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and difficulties says a lot about 
the strength of our own values.

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We are as we do, and we do 
according to what we value.

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Inner values and principles are like a personal  

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manifesto that tells us how 
to act in any situation.

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This is our own code of ethics 
that we’ve devised for ourselves,  

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and it acts like a guiding light even when—or 
maybe particularly when—the path is unclear.

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How shall we define “values”?

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A value is a judgment that makes claims 
about the priorities we hold in life.

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They are principles, rules, or beliefs 
that give meaning to our lives.

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They are what stop life from feeling empty and 
meaningless, because they are inherently about  

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meaning—it’s whenever you say, “Thing A is 
more important and valuable than thing B."

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In saying this, it follows that 
the right thing to do is thing A.

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Values not only guide our 
action when we’re unclear,  

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they give us strength to carry on when the 
path might be clear but the journey difficult.

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You might have a really difficult time 
turning down those extra hours at work,  

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but when you can tune into the deeper value 
of being present in your children’s lives as  

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they grow up, you are given strength to make 
a decision that makes you unpopular at work.

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Granted, many of the values you might hold, 
consciously or unconsciously, are secondhand.

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They come to us from our cultures,  

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our parents, our religion, our political 
environment, even our historical era.

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Some values might be held uncritically,  

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i.e. you may have them simply out of habit, 
and haven’t really examined them closely.

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Others might be personally chosen 
after extensive deliberation.

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Values can change over time.

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We might rebel against the values of our group, 
accept them completely, or negotiate a little,  

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but we always have the option to be more 
conscious and deliberate about our own values.

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If you were put on the spot right 
now and asked what your values were,  

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how quickly and easily do 
you think you could answer?

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Do you think you could easily list five or 
ten of the things you most value in life?

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Going even further, could you say confidently 
that your life mostly aligns with these values?

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It’s one thing to know what’s right, but 
there’s very little point in devising a  

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complete book of rules that you 
never really intend to follow.

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Though the self-help industry might sometimes 
have you believe otherwise, your identity isn’t  

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just something you go shopping for like you 
do a pair of sneakers or a brand of shampoo.

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You cannot just pick and choose values—they need  

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to be a genuine expression of 
what you really do care about.

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This can seem a little like a catch-22 
situation—you don’t have an identity so you need  

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to find your values, but how do you know which 
values you care about without having an identity?

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The process is not as difficult as it seems.

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Firstly, know that the process 
isn’t done all at once—you are  

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not going to uncover a complete 
and fully-functioning self in  

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an afternoon and start living your best 
life once you wake up tomorrow morning.

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It’s a process, and insight 
will come in fits and starts.

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In fact, a life well-loved might be 
one in which you continually revisit  

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the question of identity, with your 
answers deepening on every attempt.

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We also need to remember that, in finding 
values, we are the ultimate arbiters.

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We decide.

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So, you might need to take the time to tune out 
every other voice so you can better hear your own.

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There is no wrong way to do it.

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There’s no right answer.

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There’s only what works for you.

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Having said that, people are motivated by a lot of  

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different values, which it might help 
to consider in finding out our own:

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Financial independence or wealth

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Being in nature

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Romantic love or connection with others

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Having freedom and independence

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Learning and knowledge

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Fun and adventure

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Good physical health and fitness

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Spiritual or religious pursuits

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Art and creativity

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Work accomplishments, leadership, business

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Security and survival

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Social cohesion and harmony in a group

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Peace, calm, and contentment; relaxation

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Honor, loyalty, and dependability

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... and so on.

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You might look at all of the above 
and think that they’re all valuable.

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But the trick is in identifying your 
priorities—those things that are best,  

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that bring the most satisfaction and meaning.

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You may care about creative 
expression and individuality,  

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but your love of family stability 
may trump that ten times over.

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You need to know how each of your needs and 
preferences rank relative to each another.

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A good way to find out what matters 
most is to ask what has seemingly  

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bought you the most happiness 
and sense of meaning in the past.

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If you look at all your high points in life,  

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and they all involved adventure and freedom to 
travel and explore, that tells you something.

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It works the other way around too:  

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in thinking of your life’s most painful 
memories, why did they hurt so much?

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Could it be that these events were moments when 
your deepest values were disappointed or violated?

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Tally up the achievements you’re genuinely 
proud of and see what they have in common.

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Or, look more closely at your worst 
failures and blunders and ask why  

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they stung particularly badly—were these 
times where you acted against your values?

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Another trick is to look at the people you 
admire or wish to be like (or even envy)—what  

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values do they exemplify?

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If all your role models and heroes 
are self-made entrepreneurs,  

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is this telling you about the value 
you place on financial independence?

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Maybe.

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Or maybe what appeals to you about them is that  

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they’re unique and following their 
own dreams, breaking the rules.

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Or maybe they are reflecting your yearning for a 
life filled with more admiration and recognition.

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Since you are uncovering your values 
rather than creating them from scratch,  

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another general technique is to look at all 
the decisions you are currently making—they  

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may speak strongly to values you might 
not yet be aware you actually have.

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Watch yourself closely for a few days or a week,  

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and notice your decisions when 
faced with a choice to make.

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Notice how you feel when you 
choose one thing over another.

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It might be that you notice yourself often 
choosing things that leave you feeling bad,  

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and don’t really feel aligned with who you are.

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It may be that you notice key 
decisions reflecting your values.

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Either way, we are already living by 
values every moment of every day—it’s  

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simply a question of becoming aware 
of them and asking whether they’re  

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the choices that best reflect the 
values we hold—or want to hold.

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Look for patterns.

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See if you can find any strong feelings one way or 
another—are there any non-negotiable sentiments?

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What are you absolutely 
unwilling to do or give up?

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Why?

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What choices make you feel proud and 
content, and which ones feel like a  

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compromise, an obligation, or even 
something you’re embarrassed about?

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Feeling right, however, is just one 
aspect that helps determine your values.

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You also need to make informed decisions 
about what you really believe in that rely  

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on more than just your emotional 
inclinations at any given time.

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Say you’re confused about whether you value  

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your career or your connection 
with friends and family more.

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You’ve found that abandoning your family 
for work often leaves you feeling guilty,  

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and so you think maybe you value 
your family more than your career.

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The next step here is to try to 
find out why you feel that way.

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There can be many factors external to yourself 
that are influencing this feeling of guilt.

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Maybe you just have FOMO (fear of missing out),  

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or your family has ingrained a value system in 
you that says work should always come second.

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To get a clearer picture of what valuing 
something really entails, it helps to read  

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a little on the various reasons why one might 
want to prioritize something over the other.

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We are rarely aware of all the reasons 
one or the other might be a good idea.

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Just a few searches will yield 
several reasons for either choice.

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When reading these, don’t just think 
about which reasons sound more appealing,  

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think about what feels right to you.

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These will often have a lot to do 
with what your goals in life are.

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Are you really ready to sacrifice personal 
success to have a stronger bond with your family?

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Or would you rather focus on your career  

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while ensuring your family is 
important, but not paramount?

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Thinking in this way will prevent you 
from repeating the earlier cycle of  

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simply having imbibed certain 
values from your surroundings  

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without really considering 
what matters most to you.
 
 

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Values (and the identity that 
comes with them) are not abstract.

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They are real, lived things, 
out there in the world.

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They express themselves in actions and choices.

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True, they may not always be 
expressed perfectly all the time.

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But the intention is to live by them.

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They are a yardstick by which to measure your 
life, whether you achieve that standard or not.

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This is why it’s more effective to look at your 
actual life in action when considering values,  

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rather than just sitting down with a piece of  

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paper and pulling nice-sounding 
ideas out of your imagination.

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Remember, we are striving for the real 
self, and not just another false self.

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Now that we’ve seen what value-discovery isn’t 
(it’s not about goals, other people’s opinions,  

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or switching out one false self for another 
one), we can look more closely at what it is.

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Here’s a step-by-step guide to bring you closer.

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STEP ONE: CLEAR YOUR MIND

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If we wish to fill ourselves 
up with something new,  

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we first need to pour out all the old 
that’s already there, and start fresh.

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We need to let go of any bias, 
expectations, or preconceived notions.

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Being fixed in our thinking, we can 
imagine we already know the answer  

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to everything—but this understandably 
undermines the process of discovery.

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You really need to trust that there 
is something for you to learn,  

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something unknown out there that 
you are willing to encounter openly.

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It’s difficult, but try to 
drop (at least temporarily)  

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any preconceived ideas about who you are.

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Your conscious mind may want to 
jump in and tell you a narrative  

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(“you’re an introvert, you’re a worrier, 
you’re XYZ”), but set these aside and  

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give some space for your unconscious mind to 
come to the fore and see new possibilities.

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We have all been taught which 
values are “better” than others—we  

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need to forget this lesson if we want 
to find our own values for ourselves!

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STEP TWO: START A LIST

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Remember that values aren’t 
chosen, they’re clarified.

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Trust that you already have them, 
you just have to discover them.

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You don’t want to inadvertently write down  

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a list of all the things that 
other people expect you to be.

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Scan the list given earlier and see 
if any of them spark your interest.

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If not quite, how could you tweak them so 
they seem more valuable in your opinion?

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When compiling a list, start 
broadly and don’t censor yourself.

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Add anything that strikes you as important.

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You might begin by writing “love,” but on 
further reflection, tease that out a bit more.

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What kind of love, and why?

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You might decide that what you 
really value is brotherly love,  

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friendships, belonging to a community.

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You could then put “community” on the list 
and see if that spurs any further values.

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As you go, draw on both your best and worst 
life memories to guide you, as described above.

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The moments you felt most yourself—what 
was happening, and what were you doing?

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The moments when you felt frustrated, 
violated, disappointed, or uncomfortable—what  

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was not happening, and what does this 
tell you about the feelings you hold dear?

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You might recall the greatest day of your 
life so far, the birth of your first child.

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In thinking about why this felt so amazing, 
you jot a few more notes on your list.

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You realize that you felt a deep,  

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deep sense of purpose knowing that 
you now had someone to look after.

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You examine those feelings of 
hope, of dedication, of amazement.

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You realize that being a parent satisfies 
some of your core values—selfless love,  

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belonging, trust, and hope for the future.

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Ask yourself questions to dig closer toward those 
things in life that bring a sense of meaning.

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What makes a good day good?

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What makes you proud and grateful?

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What makes life worth living (i.e. 
you’d be miserable without it)?

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Look not only at the standards you hold for 
yourself, but those you hold for others.

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What is a deal breaker for 
you in your relationships?

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What is your idea of a person not 
living a meaningful and purposeful life?

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STEP THREE: PULL IT ALL TOGETHER

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Eventually, you should have a 
long list of things you value.

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Though all of these things are important,  

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they can probably be distilled 
down to a few main core values.

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Read over the notes you’ve made and 
see if you can group them into chunks.

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For example, “community,” “friendship,” and 
“compassion for others” have a lot in common,  

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as do “independence,” “freedom to follow 
my own path,” and “part-time employment.”

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Remember, you are not judging 
anything you have on the list.

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If you genuinely identify 
it as a value, put it down.

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If, on further reflection, you 
really don’t care all that much  

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about innovation or winning 
awards, then leave them out.

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As you work (without attachment or judgment!), 
you should start seeing some clarity emerge.

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As much as you can, try to connect 
these ideas to real life—are  

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these values you’ve actually 
experienced before meaningful,  

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or have you just been raised or 
socialized to assume that you want them?

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Once you have some clusters of values,  

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see if you can dig deep and identify 
the main theme uniting them all.

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In our examples above, friendship, compassion,  

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and community all have one thing in 
common: the joy of shared human connection.

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Take your time with this—what is it, really,  

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that makes all of the things on 
your list so appealing to you?

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STEP FOUR: RANK YOUR VALUES

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Some people might find that, even after 
clustering, they’re still left with a big list.

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But, life is filled with choices, 
and since we are limited,  

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we are often called on to choose between 
two important and worthwhile things.

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This is why we need to clarify 
further and prioritize our values.

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You now want to whittle down to those essential 
values that you absolutely cannot live without.

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The most fundamental, most basic needs of yours,  

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without which you’d be completely 
lost, miserable, or pointless.

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Even if you can identify a few of 
these, try to choose between five and  

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ten values that you feel neatly capture the 
dimensions of what’s most important to you.

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Then, rank them in order of importance.

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You might do this in ten minutes or find you 
need a few days to really contemplate it deeply.

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Use your feelings as a guide, and remember not 
to rush—you are setting aside everything you know  

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about your false self so that you can meet the 
acquaintance of your real self—that takes time!

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STEP FIVE: LET YOUR VALUES COME ALIVE

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If you write something like “physical 
health and fitness” as a core value,  

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it may seem a little abstract.

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Time to embed this sentiment out in 
the real world and put it into context!

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You want to put these newly discovered core  

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values into a shorthand form that will 
inspire you every time you look at it,  

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and remind you precisely of the best things 
in life—according to your most authentic self.

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For the person valuing physical fitness, a 
single beautiful image of a ballet dancer  

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in a powerful leaping pose, mid-flight, might 
capture the essence of what you value so much:  

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pushing against the limits of human physicality  

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to find beauty and expression in the 
joy of having a living, moving body.

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Or, you might find that a certain phrase 
or quote captures your core value better,  

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a bit like a mission statement.

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Find a stimulus that triggers a strong emotional 
reaction—it’s these emotions that point you in the  

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right direction and speak more directly to your 
inner self than any dry, abstract language could.

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STEP SIX: TRY THEM ON FOR SIZE

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No, you’re not done quite yet!

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Value discovery is an ongoing process.

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Once you’ve identified and condensed your core 
values, see how they fit out in real life.

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Leave the list for a while and come 
back to it, seeing how it feels.

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Do you feel comfortable, in alignment,  

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and clear ... or are some things 
still not quite feeling like “you”?

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Look for the hidden voice of 
your parents, your culture,  

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etc., and ask whether they’ve been swaying 
your list or the way you rank things.

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If your intuition pipes 
up, listen to what it says.

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This may sometimes feel like vague, 
flimsy work, but rest assured that  

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you are exploring exciting new realms that many 
people never give themselves permission to enter.

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And that’s that.

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Your core values distilled into 
a concentrated essence that tells  

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you a lot about who you are as a person, and 
helps you answer a range of questions from,  

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“What should I do?” to, 
“What do I want right now?”

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thanks for listening to the science of self if 
you like what you just heard we hope you'll pass  

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along our web address newtonmg.com as well as 
that of Peter Hollins bitly slash Peter Hollins  

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to your friends and colleagues and 
please leave us a review or rating  

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on whatever platform you found this 
episode this has been a Newton Media  

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