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Your nervous system doesn't
just calm down on its own.

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More often than you realize, it
borrows the calm from somebody else.

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In this episode, we cover co-regulation,
the biological process that lets one

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calm nervous system help settle another.

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You'll learn about some specific cues
your body sends and receives without

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you ever even thinking about it.

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Eye contact, tone of
voice, the tilt of a head.

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We'll discuss what it means if you don't
have a self-regulated person in every

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part of your life, and what actually
happened biologically in the therapy room

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with Maria that I discussed last episode
before her hands ever started moving.

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Hi, I'm Justin Sunseri, a therapist,
self-regulation coach, and Polyvagal

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Institute editorial board member.

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You are listening to Stuck Not Broken Book
one, Trauma and the Polyvagal Paradigm.

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A quick note before we continue.

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This is an audiobook, and it's
meant to be heard in order.

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So, I highly recommend that you go back
to the, uh, beginning of this series, uh,

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so that this one makes much more sense.

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and if you want to support the show or
you'd rather read, this book and the

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next two in the series are available
now in both digital and soft cover.

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I'll put a link in the description.

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And thank you ahead of time if you do
choose to support the show financially.

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I appreciate it.

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Last time we covered self-regulation,
top-down and bottom-up, doing the work

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of getting more calm into your system.

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This time, co-regulation,
calming each other.

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Co-regulation

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We overtly teach self-regulation
to our young through words in part.

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However, most self-regulation results
from safe connections with safe others.

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When we connect with safe others,
it fosters the development of

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myelinated ventral vagal pathways.

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In other words, connecting with safe
others strengthens our safety state.

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This process is imperative for
newborns since connecting with

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safe others is necessary to live.

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A baby depends entirely on caregivers for
all of their physical needs, like feeding.

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The baby needs to receive soothing
from its parent before it can feed

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because it's unable to self-regulate.

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Instead, it relies on co-regulation.

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But co-regulation isn't just
limited to babies and parents.

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Co-regulation occurs between
two mammalian organisms.

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At least one of them needs
to be in its safety state.

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The one in its safety state
can send safety cues to

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another dysregulated mammal.

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This will help the dysregulated
mammal access its own safety state,

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thereby calming the dysregulation.

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That doesn't mean that the person
exists in pure calm, it means it

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softens dysregulation, at least.

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Co-regulation is an unconscious biological
process involving two or more individuals.

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It's received through
unconscious cues of safety.

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It's a passive process, just
like receiving cues of safety

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from the physical environment.

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Co-regulation helps mammals reach
homeostasis, optimizing bodily resources.

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It's not just something that
feels good, it is imperative for

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mammals to live a healthy life.

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An individual in their safety state
can instinctively project safety

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cues, providing co-regulation.

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Through neuroception, a dysregulated
individual unconsciously

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detects these cues of safety.

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These cues come in many forms:

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Gentle eye contact.

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Don't expect others to
make eye contact with you.

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As they feel safe enough,
they naturally will.

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Vocal prosody.

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When you have enough safety, your voice
takes on a natural singsongy quality,

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basically the opposite of Ben Stein's
flat "Bueller? Bueller?" Head tilt.

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Let your head tilt when you're curious
or in a wonderful state of wonderment.

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Eye crinkles.

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The crinkles that form at
the sides of your eyes when

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you smile or listen intently.

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Crow's feet are actually
evidence of a lifetime of smiles.

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Genuine smiles.

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When you genuinely smile, your upper
cheeks move, forming those eye crinkles.

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Facial affect.

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Your face shows your state.

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If you're safe, you'll smile,
crinkle, squint, and your eyebrows

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will have a life of their own.

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And safe touch.

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Appropriate, welcome, gentle
touch that comes with safety.

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Why co-regulation matters

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Humans are social.

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On a very biological
level, we need each other.

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We don't develop self-regulation
unless we have good enough

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co-regulation and attachment growing
up, and continued opportunities

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for co-regulation even as we age.

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We do not do well as
individuals in isolation.

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Yes, we are individuals.

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Yes, we can self-regulate and develop
the capacity to do so more and more.

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But before that, we're social.

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We build on the foundations
of our social connections.

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Those who struggle with self-regulation
need others who are already

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self-regulated to provide safety cues.

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We must surround ourselves with
people who can co-regulate: friends,

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partners, coworkers, and even pets.

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However, this is not
always possible or easy.

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You may have safe people at
home, but not at work or school.

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Or you may have safe people at work
or school, but not at home, as was

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often the case with my student clients.

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Even if not everyone in your life
is self-regulated, having one person

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is much better than no one or a pet.

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That might be a professional person even.

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Many of my student clients could identify
one staff person as a co-regulator.

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It's not a solution to life's
problems, but it's something.

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It might be enough to get them through
their day, and maybe even provide

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a template for relationship safety.

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Therapy can often be that template.

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We may even get aspects of
co-regulation from artificial sources.

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Not ideal, I know, but it's something.

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People often write to me and say
my voice is a cue of safety here

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on the Stuck Not Broken podcast.

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A certain singer's voice may
help bring you to safety.

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Or, a certain voice on a meditation track.

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Let's return to my example of Maria
and her hands from the last episode

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to illustrate co-regulation and
self-regulation working together.

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Before she consciously noticed
her fight activation attempting to

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emerge from shutdown, she had already
received co-regulation from me.

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I had already given her smiles, vocal
prosody, and gentle eye contact.

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Those passive co-regulation safety cues
laid a platform of safety, as did the safe

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environment itself of the therapy room.

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She neurocepted safety from
me, which allowed her system

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to begin exiting shutdown.

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Her fight activation began to
return, showing up in her hands.

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When prompted, she focused on
the activation in her hands and

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self-regulation unfolded, resulting
in polyvagal ladder climbing.

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The environmental and interpersonal
cues provided the foundation

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for her self-regulation.

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That is co-regulation: the safety cues you
send and receive without ever deciding to.

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It's not a replacement
for self-regulation.

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It is the foundation underneath it.

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Next time, we'll talk about
why humans stay stuck.

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It will be part one of two, starting
with Bill and the behavioral adaptations

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that keep someone locked in a defensive
state long after the danger is gone.

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If you want to take this chapter
further, the written book has journal

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reflections for it, along with
primary source quotes and no ads.

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It and the next two books are
linked in the description if you

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would like to support this show.

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Thank you so much for listening.