In today's bonus episode, we are going to discuss empathy.

Can it be taught or is it just lived?

My guest today might just change how you listen, love, and connect.

Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave kids, and spark collective change.

I'm Heather Hester.

Let's get started.

Welcome back to More Human, More Kind.

I'm Heather Hester and I'm so delighted you are here today.

And I'm especially honored to welcome a truly remarkable guest, Maria Gallucci.

Maria is a multi award winning real estate agent, proud coda that's child of deaf adults, and the founder of several groundbreaking initiatives including Uptown Realty Group, Gallucci Homes, ASL at Compass, and ASL Realty, a national platform connecting deaf and hard of hearing clients with signing agents.

Her debut book, Raised in Silence, is both a love letter to the deaf and hard of hearing community and and a guide for all of us on how to bridge communication gaps with empathy, patience, and courage.

Without further ado, here is my conversation with Maria.

Welcome back to More Human, More Kind.

I am delighted you are here today and I am really delighted to welcome today's guest, Maria Gallucci.

Thank you so much for being here.

I'm really looking forward to our conversation.

Thank you so much for having me.

I'm so excited.

You are so welcome.

So Maria and I were just chatting a little bit before we started recording and we have a couple of things in common and I think we'll probably touch on them.

But I just wanted to lead with that because what you are here to really talk about first today is your book that is coming out called Raised in Silence.

And it is a beautiful, beautiful topic.

And the way that you have approached it, I think is so personal and.

Moving.

And so I just, I would like to start off with just asking you a few questions about the book and then go from there, if that's okay.

Growing up as a child of deaf adults, which is the basis of your book, what did that teach you about communicating and about just being in the world?

I think that growing up with a deaf parents, I think it taught me to be more patient and more kind and more compassionate and understanding that not all of our languages are the same.

And so you just have to be patient when you're communicating with people.

So I think it get even more empathy towards the culture.

Oh, my goodness.

Absolutely.

You were one of six children, correct?

Yes.

Yep.

There's six of Us and we're all hearing.

That's extraordinary.

Were you oldest, youngest, middle?

Where were you?

So I'm right in the middle.

So I'm the third to the oldest.

Okay.

And each one of you obviously knows American Sign Language.

Yes, yes, all of us are fluent.

So you learned that first.

Did you learn that simultaneously?

How did that work exactly?

So ASL is actually our first language.

So we.

A lot of us didn't learn how to speak until we were, like, in kindergarten or before that.

So my mom always said that we learn to talk by watching TV or people around us or we had to go to speech therapy.

And so we.

That.

So ASL was always our primary language in the home.

That's wild.

Being that you had.

There were six hearing siblings or children.

Was it still quiet?

No, it was very loud.

So we were all wild.

My dad always said that I was the devil out of the group.

But no, we would be as loud as we want because our parents couldn't hear us.

So when friends came over, they loved coming to our house because our house was always known as the loud house because we were all messing around, being crazy and being loud.

Oh, my gosh.

That is.

I mean, I think about.

I mean, think about the number of times that, like, you tell your kids.

Like.

I always tell my parents, the only reason why they had six kids was because they were deaf and they couldn't hear us over.

For sure.

I mean, but I'm just thinking too, like, how they had to shift even from when you were all babies, right?

Because think about, like, you listen for your child to cry, right?

For them, they had to rely on very different ways of connecting with you.

So what did that look like for you as the child?

How did you connect in a.

In a different way than perhaps, you know, hearing parents and hearing children would connect.

So we.

We would always have a light.

So there was actually a light flashing on and off.

And so when we would cry or anything, we'd have a light that flashed on to signal that we were crying.

And of course, there were.

There were six of us, so we were all.

All together.

But it's funny that you asked that question, because not even last night, I had a client of mine that they're looking to adopt a child.

And one of the questions were, how would you support them?

Because you can't hear them if they're upset or crying.

And so he asked me my opinion of what we.

We did when we were growing up.

And I'm like, we actually had a light.

Like, we had a light that would flash on and on if we were screaming or crying or we.

And our parents knew.

Well, we knew that we can wake up our parents at any time if there was an emergency.

Like my brother, we were in.

I still remember this.

We were in my sister's room, my baby sister's room.

She was a baby.

My brother was probably two or three.

Well, most of it's probably three or four.

He was looking at the fire trucks and he put his hand on the.

The window, like, what's that called?

The screen.

And he fell.

Like he flew out of the window screen down.

He was okay, thank God.

And he got a lot of oatmeal cookies that we didn't get.

But.

So we so obviously were screaming, but the light was flickering.

But we had to run and tell our parents because they didn't hear all the commotion that was going on.

But yeah, so it was always a light that flickered.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

I mean, that would be the best way to do it.

Yeah.

But also, like, nerve just thinking about that, like, nerve wracking.

Because that's like a totally different thing to have to be aware of, right.

Like, as the parent, just thinking about, like, how much.

I think even as like, the mom, like, we listen, right.

For them, like, you'd have to like, hone that sense.

Like you're seeing, like, even when you're asleep, right.

To be, like, aware of that, like on a subconscious level of the light flashing.

Right, exactly.

And I think that their, their senses are heightened because they are losing one of the, the, the senses.

So I think the other ones kick in like that.

Like, you are aware more.

Yeah, sure.

I wonder, like, even like feeling like, vibration, like that probably is more sensitive, Right.

They actually love dancing.

So dancing is huge in the deaf and hard of hearing community because they can feel the vibration of the music.

So they love, love, love to dance.

The whole community does.

So on every party that I have for them every year, I make sure I have loud music for them.

I have a DJ for them because they can feel everything on the ground and all the movement.

Yeah.

Oh, that's so cool.

I love that.

And that's something that you wouldn't really know, right?

I mean, what do you.

Was the most impactful lesson for you growing up as a child of deaf adults?

To have empathy for people?

Because I saw a lot of people make fun of us and make fun of our parents by the way they talked or because they couldn't.

So we were bullied a lot.

And a lot of stares, which make you feel Self conscious.

So I think I'm self aware of that stuff.

And I never.

I think I have a big heart because I would never, ever want anybody to feel what we felt or what our parents felt, or like being isolated or not included.

So I think it gave me compassion.

Absolutely.

And that clearly has.

Has moved throughout your entire life.

Right?

You've carried that on through all the things that you do now, which is just fantastic.

And you just touched on that a little bit.

But I would love to ask you a little more about it, because in addition to writing this book, you are also a real estate agent.

Not just a real estate agent.

You are.

You work specifically with the deaf community, correct?

Yeah, I work with all walks of life, but I specialize in the deaf and hard of hearing community and the LGBTQ community, and so I'm an advocate for those communities.

That is amazing.

So since you brought that up, I was going to go there in a little bit, but we'll go there right now.

And this is what we were bonding about earlier.

We both have kids who are out, and I'm wondering if, for you, when Your son.

Your son.

Right.

Yes.

Okay.

Sorry.

I was like, wait a second.

He's.

Yeah.

Queer or gender fluid?

Like, gender queer.

Okay, so when he.

Him.

Okay, so when he came out to you, was it something that you knew?

Was it something that you were surprised by?

And do you feel like.

Because of just all of your experience, that you were just kind of like, okay, let's do this?

Like, yeah, exactly.

To me, it wasn't even a blink in the eye.

He came out young.

He came out at 12, which is younger for a lot of them.

So his counselor said that we were lucky that he felt comfortable enough with me to actually come out so young.

And so, no, I knew when he was little, like, because I could tell right away.

So I was not surprised whatsoever.

And so when he came out, I was completely supportive.

I got him everything that he needed.

And then his biological father, on the other hand, said that he was possessed by the devil and actually abandoned him.

So I think it's very important for parents to know that.

Your kids are your kids, no matter what they are or who they are.

And you should just love, because love is love and it's your same child.

And this version of him was a better version.

Like, you can tell that a whole weight was lifted off him, and he wasn't cutting anymore.

He wasn't doing any of that stuff anymore the second he came out.

Yeah, yeah, they're lighter.

They're like.

They.

They all of a sudden, their authentic selves.

Selves come out.

Right.

And it's.

It is such a beautiful thing.

I completely agree with you.

I think that that is, um.

It's a really beautiful thing to.

To be part of and to watch.

Right.

And.

And then.

But on the flip side, I mean, I have more distant family than biological father, but that is such a hard thing to watch as well, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

And it's sad that I think that a lot.

A lot of people don't realize the pain that they're causing them eternally.

I just want to cry about that.

But of course, they just don't understand that.

No, they.

I think they.

Part of it is they're so consumed by fear that they cannot see outside of that fear.

Exactly.

They can't see outside of the box.

And they can't see that this is just a human being and a child, in his case, because he was younger.

Right.

I mean, and a child that is.

I always think they're.

They're telling you who they are.

Like, that's such a gift.

Exactly.

It's like.

It's huge.

And he.

Even through going, like, all of his stuff, he graduated with, like, a 4.0, graduated high school early, went straight into college.

And so even, like, through all that.

And I feel like it was because of the support system that he had, at least through me and everybody, because if you don't have that, that's where it goes really bad.

Yes, that's absolutely right.

Oh, my goodness.

So much so.

And I think, too, they become very resilient.

I think there's a piece.

When they.

Are able to come out at any.

At any period, like, when they're still, like, at home.

Right.

So, like, under 18, there is a piece of that where, you know, while they're still home with us, we're able to help them build that resiliency and build that.

So when they get out into the real world, like, they are.

They are so good.

He is doing so well.

Like, out in the world, made friends because he got bullied in school.

People would throw skittles at him in the hallway, throw rocks at him in the hallways.

And I think that a lot of even kids today and people just don't understand that that's really, really detrimental to their mental health.

Like, and they're just like us.

They're just humans.

They're humans just like us.

Right.

Right.

Well, that is where we see.

And I think, you know, you and I are probably very sensitive to this Ulysses, so that being Othered.

Right.

Feels so dehumanizing.

And I, I don't think that it's always done in a purposeful way.

I think sometimes it probably is, but sometimes it is not.

And people don't realize the harm and the long term harm that they are inflicting by treating another human being like they are not human.

Right.

Like taking away that piece of they have feelings.

I mean, that's why I called the podcast this.

It is recognizing, realizing, speaking to one another like we are human beings.

Right.

You're another human being and seeing that.

And I think there's, there is a huge, huge effort right now to dehumanize those who are seen as other and exactly as different.

And we're all different in our own ways.

And it's not bad to be different.

It's good to be different.

We don't want all of us to be the same.

Like we're all different and we should love each other the way that we are.

Right.

I think one kind gesture to somebody makes their entire world different and better.

It absolutely does.

It.

Absolutely.

And it does not take a lot.

Right.

I mean it is, it's like just try.

That's all you need to do is just try.

Yes.

Which is.

And I was going to ask this later, but I love that that is your motto and I wonder if you could talk about that a little bit.

So I think I see like the deaf and hard of hearing community struggle with people trying to communicate with them.

And so for me it's like just try to communicate.

You can bring out your phone that you could put note notes in there and show and show it to them.

But a lot of people will just not try and just turn around and say, oh, I don't know what, what, what that they're saying, which is not like, that's not kind and it's not nice and it's not good for them that that makes them feel not included and, and isolated in a sense.

So my theory was even with any communities, if you're just trying, that makes a huge impact on their, their lives.

Yeah, it does.

It really does.

I mean far beyond anything really that you can imagine that this one action that you're taking.

Yeah.

Make right that.

You know, whether it's one kind word, one kind gesture, one even just a high.

Yes.

Imagine walking down.

Exactly.

Walking down the street and you give somebody a couple, which I do all the time, that makes their day like that just one little thing can make somebody's huge day.

And you don't know what they're Str struggling through that day.

And so just one kind.

Gestures like makes.

Can make somebody's day.

It can.

I mean, and it often.

It often does.

Right, Exactly.

It makes my day.

And so it gives me a compliment.

Right.

I mean, totally.

Every single time.

Every single time.

So I was just going to say, it doesn't matter if you look at somebody and you think, oh, they have it totally together, or, you know, they're so beautif.

Beautiful, you don't know what they're going through inside.

Yeah, exactly.

No idea.

Yeah.

Right.

And even the flip side of that, you know, if you're walking down the street and you see somebody who looks really downtrodden or they look, you know, maybe they're dirty or they're sitting on the side of the street, like, that is absolutely the person that you should, at minimum, make eye contact with.

Exactly.

And just smile.

Even just a smile goes a long way.

Hello?

Yes.

I mean, it's.

It's.

Yeah, it's things that we have kind of forgotten along the way do actually.

We get jaded with our lives, I think.

And a lot.

A lot.

A lot of people just think that in their heads, like, oh, she'll be fine without that, or they'll.

They'll be fine.

I don't need to do anything.

But you never know what they're.

What they're going through inside.

Well, I think, too, we often are so kind of wrapped up, like you said, in our.

In our own worlds.

And a lot of times we're, like, on our phones, right.

We're, like, looking down at our phones and we're not looking around us.

And so we're inside of our heads.

Like, we're locked in there instead of being out and looking around at other people and making eye contact with other people and.

And having human contact.

Right.

And so I think it is those.

Those little things where you acknowledge another human being.

Exactly.

Just say, I'm.

I'm here if you need me, or anything like that, like.

Exactly.

It just makes a big difference in someone's life.

And you don't have to be perfect.

It's nothing to do with being perfect.

It's just acknowledging or making them feel seen and heard.

Right.

Exactly.

Well, there's no such thing as perfect.

So I think that we also have to, like, just let go of that.

There's no one way to do any of these things.

Like.

Yeah, and I. I stutter.

Like, I've stuttered my.

My entire life.

Like, I've had to go to speech therapy when I was a Kid fun to me when I stutter, but that's just me.

And I know that, right.

That that's me.

Like I've.

I'll stutter and I always will for the rest of my life.

It just means that my brain's thinking faster, which means I'm smarter, Right?

Exactly.

My youngest has a stutter.

So yes, I totally get that.

That is something that's just part of.

Right.

But it's like being a human being.

A human being.

Like we all have the things.

A thing.

Yeah.

Or two or three or four.

Right.

We all have something that's different.

Exactly, exactly.

So I think one of the really beautiful pieces of your book is talking about how we can be inclusive of human beings.

Right.

Of people who may look different than us or show up differently in the world than we do.

Your parents thing was they couldn't hear.

Right.

But your thing.

My son's thing is you have a stutter.

Right.

My other son's thing is that he's gay.

Like, you know, my.

We all have our thing or thing.

Thing.

Exactly.

And it's.

How do we look at each other as humans and.

Include.

I feel like.

Just to have empathy and compassion towards anybody in your thing.

And I think that that's how people can be included is don't judge them because you.

You don't know who they are, number one.

And you don't know what they're.

What they're going through.

And I feel like there's so much judgment on a lot of people and so much isolation and not making, not being aware of what people are going through instead of just thinking of your own self.

So I think if you just have.

Just lead your life with kindness and compassion and empathy, I think that makes a huge difference to a lot of people in a lot of communities.

Absolutely.

Oh my goodness.

I think judgment comes from fear.

Right?

It does.

I think so too.

The fear of the unknown.

Yeah.

Right.

So we judge all of those things that we are fearful of.

But I think there's like that piece of being aware of it, right?

Yes.

Yeah.

So that's a first step.

I think I'd like to just really talk a little bit more about being inclusive to people or communities that perhaps you are not part of or don't understand.

For the deaf and hard of hearing hearing community for one thing, is like I always make sure that when I have the parties that I'm in an open space and so everybody can talk and everyone can communicate.

And then one time somebody was like threw something at one of the hearing guys because they were trying to see them.

And so.

They could have been inclusive by, like, just moving out of the way, but instead they were.

They weren't happy about it, which I can understand, because you should never throw anything at anybody, but.

I can understand that.

And there's other ways to go about that.

But they weren't aware because they weren't in the community.

So they didn't know, like, oh, I should move out of the way so people can see the interpreter.

I love that example because I think that is, like, something that those are like, the specific things.

Like, it's easy when somebody says, oh, this is.

This is one way that you could support the deaf and hard of hearing community.

This is one way that you can support the LGBTQ community.

I think those things are really, really helpful for people to then be like, o, okay, like, I need to be more aware.

Aware.

Yeah, right.

When I am in a public space.

And I think too, the advice that you gave of if you are with somebody or come upon somebody who is clearly deaf or hard of hearing, who is having a hard time communicating, what are the simple things that you could do to help help them out?

There's apps now that you can actually that.

That will interpret for you.

Like, Krizy is one of them, but it would be just trying, like pulling out your phone and just putting it in the notes and showing to them.

And they can talk that back and forth and so that.

Or just like, you can, like, lightly tap to tap them to get their attention and even mouth.

Like, do you need help?

Like, just talk clearly and make sure that they know that we're not rejecting you.

Like, we will help you.

We're not going to isolate you or feel like you're not included in some way.

Right, right.

I like that.

And I think that, again, it's that, like, human contact, right?

Yeah, exactly.

A little.

Even just the, like the eye contact, the I. I see you and I hear.

Yeah, exactly.

I want to communicate with you in the best way possible.

What is one thing that you found or that your son has shared that has been.

Or if he has shared, has been.

Helpful to him, knowing that now things are good.

Like, he feels like he's found his people.

Right.

He's feels like he's in spaces that are more inclusive.

What has made a difference for him there?

I think being able to be his authentic self and not have to hide and not have to feel like people are going to judge him because now he's completely out and now he.

He's okay.

If people call him names or before.

He wasn't.

He was really.

It was really sad seeing him through high school and stuff.

But now he's accepted himself, and that's huge.

And I. I actually do think counseling's huge for that too, because it helps you how to internalize your feelings and how you're doing.

So I think that that's what helped him a lot.

Absolutely.

I agree.

That's definitely helped both of my kids who are out for sure.

And I think too, like, the.

It's tough when they come out when they're young teenagers, younger, because those years are just.

Oh, those years are critical.

It's one of their.

Their homeowners are going crazy.

They're like.

They're junior high is not easy to begin.

And so, like, you're going through a bunch of stuff on top of just you're.

You're going through the other stuff on top of what you're not understanding yourself as well.

And then.

So to have a huge support system, I think is so, so big to their.

Their mental health in there.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

And support system can look a lot of different ways.

Right.

I mean, you created a support system of yourself and a counselor, and who else did you have as part of that support system?

My family was huge with him.

And then he had his.

His sister too, who was.

Who was bi through high school and stuff.

And so I think that she knew what he was going through and everything as well, even though it's a little bit different.

So I think that.

I think just having a huge support system is big.

Having friends, family.

And then when I moved his school, his high school, because of the bowling, you know, we went to different schools to interview them because we can self.

We can choice in here in Colorado.

Yeah.

So the school that we picked was actually Columbine High School, which is.

That had that.

Yeah.

So we picked that school, and it was the most inclusive school.

I was so thrilled.

Thankful that he graduated from that school because if anybody started bullying him or if anything was wrong, the principal was right on it right away and would either suspend you or touch or you.

You would get in big trouble.

So they had a no tolerance policy there.

And I feel like schools should all be like that because a lot of that's where kids get bullied the most.

Yes.

And so I feel like the schools need to, like, acknowledge that and just try to help them, because those are the crucial years of their lives.

Yep.

Yep.

Agreed.

Oh, my gosh, I could not agree with you more.

I struggle with that a lot where we are.

Because that is not the case.

It was really hard for my son, my daughter, who is five years younger than him.

When she went through high school.

She was part of the theater and she was very artsy and was.

So she had a built in community there.

And it was very different for her because we already had all of these supports in place and you know, had answers and all the things that we didn't have in place for him.

And so it was way easier for her.

Still not fantastic by any means, but I mean I love to hear that that is still something that is, you know, that schools are working on and.

Yeah, that, that school was, was amazing.

And I think that if everybody just comes together as a community in school and know that, I mean it could be very, very, very detrimental to a child if they don't feel.

And we all know that.

And so it's like, I think support is huge.

It is, it is so huge.

Yeah.

I asked that question just because I think it's important for people to imagine what that support could look like for them.

And because it doesn't always have different people.

It can be different organizations and resources that are in place.

And so I just encourage to don't give up just to.

Well, just to love.

Absolutely.

And, and, and know that their support is available and you might just have to look a little bit harder for it if it's not within like what you automatically think should be like your support system.

Right.

A lot of words for saying don't give up.

Yeah.

They need you.

They need happier human and a loving human.

Right.

That's all we want to do.

Like we just want to all like come together and that's all they want.

They, they're just anyone is just like us and with.

They just want to be loved and feel accepted.

That is exactly right.

That is exactly right.

And.

Gosh, do we want to help make that possible.

Right?

I mean, I know.

Yeah.

And that's why I think I wrote the book too is because I wanted to show different perspectives of life and childhood and different just to make awareness and make everyone know that it's okay to be different and it's okay, but it's not, it's not okay to isolate someone or fit or make fun of them or judge them because it's not, it's not good for yourself too because you, you want to be kind.

And it makes me feel, feel better when I'm kind to, to people.

So it's like.

Right.

It makes you a happier person.

It does, it does.

I think that there.

A fear thing in there.

When you think about people who are not kind, people who perhaps are the ones that are throwing the rocks or calling the name, I think there's a fear piece.

I think they're.

If they're kids, there's certainly things that they're perhaps lear home as well.

But I wonder for adults out in the world, if they're.

Listening to this and they're thinking, okay, I. I feel.

I feel uncomfortable when I see somebody who's different than me.

What would you say?

Why?

I would ask why.

What is it that's actually making you feel uncomfortable?

Like, go into your own head and your own feelings and your own thought and exactly what is it that is making you feel uncomfortable?

Oh, so good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And if they could answer that, then let's say if we have the.

We have a listener who is very introspective and so you've said why?

And they can answer that.

They can.

Whatever the answer is, what can they do with that information?

What should be their next step?

I would.

To just try and see how different you feel.

See what it makes yourself feel like and your heart feel like if you just try something.

And see how you feel when you just put a smile on someone's face instead of making them cry.

Yeah, I love that.

That's perfect.

That's beautiful.

That's why we're here, right?

Yeah, exactly.

Thank you for sharing that.

Who did you write this book for?

Myself, I think, and my.

The deaf and hard heart of hearing community and culture and people who feel different.

And so for me, I wrote it to help, like, hearing people, deaf people, LGBTQ plus people, anybody who feels.

Left out or like, or like an outcast.

I wrote it for the outcasts that are out there to let everybody know and to make an awareness to people who don't feel like an outcast that the outcast need love.

Like, it's, it's.

It's just I try to, like, bring in the community.

So I think that's what I wrote it for.

I love that.

Tell people how they can.

How they can find you and how they can find your book.

So my website is galuchihomes.com and then the book website is raisedinsilence.com and it's on all book platforms right now.

And I was top new release within 24 hours and I'm also top, top seller or bestseller with Amazon.

I got number one right away.

Yeah.

Thank you.

That's amazing.

Well done.

That's just awesome.

Well, Goodwill, is there anything else that you would like to share, whether it's words of wisdom or anything else.

This is open mic for you, I.

Think, just to try to be kind and just try to have a big heart because it will make you feel better.

And you will have a smile on your face when you know that you just made someone's day.

I love that.

Oh, my goodness.

Thank you so much for being here.

Thank you so much for having me.

It was amazing.

I was so excited.

I know.

I was, too.

So glad we were able to make this happen.

I know.

Me, too.

I am just.

I am so delighted.