[00:00:00] If you are the person that everyone relies on, this will land. You're the mediator, the translator, the emotional manager, manager, the friend and family therapist, the one that notices what's wrong and tries to fix it before it gets worse. You keep everyone connected. You hold the dynamic and you take the emotional hip so that everyone else can stay comfortable, and then you wonder why you're so tired.

[00:00:21] This isn't because you should care less. It's probably because there's a invisible workload that your nervous system has learned is necessary to hold for safety. Today we're gonna talk about over responsibility as a pattern, what it does to your body over time, and how to start putting down what isn't yours without feeling like you are abandoning people.

[00:01:53] So maybe it looks something like after a family call, you feel tired. Not necessarily because there was a big [00:02:00] drama, but because somehow you ended up kind of holding and tracking the people in the conversation.

[00:02:10] You know, because you've probably been journaling and therapizing that your nervous system may have learned that carrying the responsibility and tracking this emotional field is what keeps things safe and what keeps everyone going along with each other. Um. It keeps the peace, and by keeping the peace back when we were children, we would learn that that is what made sure that I would get the things that I need.

[00:02:38] If I keep the peace in the family, then mom is happy and she can attune to me and she can feed me and she can love me and she can cuddle me. If I keep the peace in the family, then things go smoothly and I have more of the people around me in the way that I need. Uh, I think one of the things that stands out to me is that we don't really realize that we're doing it [00:03:00] until we really realize that we're doing it.

[00:03:03] So one of the things that I have people do is really learn how to be more attuned with their body and the tension that we're holding in our body. If you just check in with yourself a couple of times a day, am I holding tension? You might begin to notice that there are certain people around whom you hold tension.

[00:03:18] Another question you can begin asking yourself is, what am I holding responsibility for here? And then around those three people asking that question, what am I holding? Sorry, not three people around those specific people. You can ask three questions, which would be, what am I holding responsibility for?

[00:03:38] And is that mine to hold today? So I might be holding responsibility for everyone getting along for that person, having a good time. And then you can ask yourself, is that your responsibility today? And then depending on if it is, okay, sure. Then keep going. I suppose [00:04:00] maybe you could ask, how would I make that 5% easier?

[00:04:04] And then maybe it's not. In which case you could go ahead and say, okay, and what is my responsibility and could I act from that place? And this lands in this place where we have to actually learn what is our responsibility. What do you think it is? Is it your responsibility to make sure that that person is feeling well?

[00:04:29] Is it your responsibility to make sure that something goes well? The thing about responsibility is that I like to think that our responsibility is something we can be, there's two ways of thinking of it. There's a beautiful song that says it is the the privilege to respond to something. Or we can look at it through the lens of the stoics even and say, well, it's.

[00:04:52] The things that are within our control. Positive psychology does this very well as well. So I don't know if [00:05:00] it's the, uh, the ability and the privilege to respond, then you don't have to hold it like it's something heavy. If you see that you have this ability to respond to care for someone, then that should be something that is a blessing that that brings you pleasure, something that you choose actively.

[00:05:17] Ah, I have power here. And I am seeing this and in my response with the power that I have, is to support this person in this specific way, but that's not heavy. That comes from deep, internal alignment, care, kindness, empathy. Maybe that's the place, but that should never, ever and will never, if it's coming from pleasure, come at the cost of your own wellbeing.

[00:05:43] Because what is, I believe many people believe and trauma therapy teaches us. It is your responsibilities yourself. You are responsible for your behavior, how you speak, what you choose to say, how you act towards others. Respect, honesty, and basic care. That is [00:06:00] your responsibility. You are responsible for your feelings, your internal states, your boundaries, responding and caring for yourself when you are overwhelmed.

[00:06:08] Regulating your nervous system by possible deciding what you are not available for. And you are responsible for your response to situations. Whether you choose to engage, step back, ask a question, set a boundary, you are responsible for those things. Most of all, you are responsible for caring for yourself.

[00:06:24] F inside of our one-on-one work, we really did delve into this. What does it mean to love and care myself? For myself? What does it mean to reparent myself? What does it mean to, to is loving to act from love. What do boundaries look like when I act from love, what does it mean to say yes to myself? Because people who fall into this mediator role, we often take on things that are outside of our responsibility, other people's emotions, preventing conflict, explaining something to another [00:07:00] person so that they can avoid discomfort.

[00:07:02] I did this recently. I knew that it was gonna make someone uncomfortable, and I caught myself. I wanted to explain or prevent that person from having discomfort, and instead I chose to ask a question and trust that that person. Can manage their own discomfort, and if not, they will bring it to me and we can talk about it.

[00:07:22] Taking excess responsibility would be like fixing a misunderstanding that's actually not yours, or holding the emotional tone of the group.

[00:07:33] If you're in doubt, stop thinking You are responsible for how you participate, not for how the entire system functions. How you participate, not how the system functions. And if you find that you are, let's say, draining energy through taking responsibility for things that are not yours in my five week program, work doesn't have to cost your energy.

[00:07:59] We [00:08:00] explore this pattern more directly. If what you need right now is a practical way to step out of this position without blowing up relationships, that is what the costs focus on. If what you find keeps pulling you back into the mediator role is a deeper guilt or fear or trauma bond inside of the dynamic, then that is more appropriate for one-on-one work.

[00:08:24] But either way, the starting point is the same. You'll find the link down below in the show notes, and I'm so happy that you are here.