Welcome to the Mother-Daughter Relationship. Show the podcast for mothers and daughters who want to build stronger bonds, deepen their understanding and transform their relationships. I'm your host, Brittany Scott, licensed therapist and mother-daughter relationship coach. After years of working with hundreds of daughters. And mothers. I've developed strategies that help break generational patterns, heal wounds, and create the loving relationships you've always wanted. Each week I'll be sharing insights from real clients, expert interviews and practical tools you can use immediately to improve your mother-daughter dynamic. Whether you're struggling with communication breakdowns, navigating major life transitions, or simply wanna take your already good relationship to the next level. The show is for you. And yes, the transformation I guide my clients through can be yours too. I'll share more about how you can work with me. It's time to experience the relationship you both deserve. Are you ready? Let's dive in.

There's a difference between needing space and going completely silent. And when daughters create distance from their mothers, it's often wildly misunderstood. Today I am talking about what actually happens when a daughter chooses low contact or estrangement. I wanna start by talking about detachment and what happens when a daughter detaches from her mom, and how this can look like a spectrum with estrangement on one end and very surface level contact on the other estrangement, meaning there's no contact there completely broken and completely detached from each other. And surface level communication on the other end of the spectrum where, you know, yes, we're fine, the kids are fine, work is good. Yes, mom is great to hear from you. Daughter's not sharing anything significant. She's not sharing anything emotional and she's not really going deeper into any kind of conversation. Her mom knows a bit about what's happening in her life, but everything is fine or good. Whenever a daughter is on the spectrum of detachment, she, she has created significant emotional distance between her and her mother. This can look very different depending on who you're speaking to and how that daughter feels. This can include minimal contact where the daughter's showing up for holidays or birthdays or major events, but throughout the rest of the year, the contact is very low or maybe also non-existent. This can be a surface level relationship where the daughter may talk to her mom regularly, but she's not sharing anything significant. She's not sharing anything emotional, and she's not really sharing anything important. It seems at the moment that estrangement is being discussed a lot and being thrown around as something daughters do to their moms. So all forms of detachment from low or very insignificant contact to complete estrangement of no contact at all deserves to be taken very seriously for both parties involved. What they all have in common, no matter what part of the spectrum the daughter lands on, is that she has decided to create distance between her and her mom as a form of protection. Now let's talk about what the world says about daughters who do this. Because the cultural narrative around estrangement is almost always aimed at the daughter, and it's almost always very harsh When a daughter steps back from her mother, people say things like, you only get one mother. She did the best that she could. You'll regret this when she's gone. Family is everything. You need to forgive her. She's your mother. How could you do this to her? You're just being selfish and one of the most manipulative ones is you're breaking her heart. The narrative is that the daughter did something to her mother, that she's cold, ungrateful, and cruel, that she's the problem. It takes tremendous pain for a daughter to choose distance from her mom to choose to detach. It's not a decision that's made lightly and it's never the first decision that a daughter has to make. It's also not usually done outta spite or cruelty. Most daughters who have stepped back from their mother or created some kind of distance or detachment. Has usually tried everything else first. They've tried talking. They've tried boundaries. They've tried managing their own emotions. They've tried being smaller. They've tried being different. And when none of that worked, when staying close, continued to cost them their peace, their sense of self, their mental health, their safety distance became the only option that was left. The cultural narrative around estrangement needs to be dismantled because it places all the blame on the daughter while ignoring what led her to this point. it assumes that the mother in the story is innocent and that the daughter is just cruel and it rarely ever tells the whole story. There's so much more to this story. So let's talk about why daughters actually create distance. What's happening underneath all of that Silence when closeness with your mother has historically cost your peace, your sense of self, your safety space becomes the only tool that's available. If every conversation leaves you criticized, if every interaction leaves you feeling anxious or worried, if being around her means walking on eggshells, feeling triggered, or managing her emotions, eventually your nervous system is going to say enough. It's going to no longer want to be around her, and it's gonna kind of force you to create distance in order to feel better. Most daughters who create distance from their mothers are not doing it because they stopped loving her, or because they started hating her. They're doing it because they don't know how to be close and still feel safe. The love is still there and creating distance creates grief. But the relationship as it's happening right now is just too painful to remain a part of. So daughters choose distance. It becomes a way to preserve the daughter's wellbeing and whatever complicated love still exists between the two of them. There's a skill gap that's missing. Nobody taught these daughters how to be inside of this relationship differently. Think about it. What skills would a daughter need in order to stay in a difficult relationship with her mom while also protecting herself? She would need to know how to set effective boundaries without feeling guilty. She would need to know how to communicate her needs. Clearly. She would need to be able to manage her emotional reactions when her mother pushes her buttons. She would need to know how to stay connected to herself and trust herself and her own thoughts when her mother becomes critical dismissive or just flat out mean. These are sophisticated, emotional and relational skills, and most women are never taught how to use these inside of relationships especially not by their mothers that they need to use them with. So when a daughter doesn't know how to be close to her mother and feel safe she does the only other thing she knows how to do, and that's to create distance and to detach from her mother. Not necessarily because she wants to, but it's the only tool in her toolbox, and it's often the only one most people are talking about. Most daughters who have stepped back from their moms are not at peace about it. Most of them are not celebrating their freedom and moving on without a second thought. Most of them are usually carrying the relief of the distance while also carrying the grief that it creates. The relief is that they're not constantly anxious, overly criticized. and they don't have to keep constantly trying to be enough daughters, want to be seen and heard and loved by their moms, and when they're constantly trying to be enough, trying to avoid criticism. And trying to show up perfectly so she finally sees them. That's a lot of weight to carry. So it's a relief when they can stop doing this because they've created distance. But on the other side of that is a heavy grief because most daughters want their mother in their lives. They, they want to have a healthy and successful and fun and loving relationship with their mom. And so there is grief when they're choosing distance. But for a lot of them, that is the only option they've been presented because nothing else has worked. Along with grief, a lot of daughters are also feeling guilt about making the decision to become estranged or to create any kind of distance. Even low contact brings a lot of guilt. Every holiday, every mother's day, every time a friend talks about how great her mom is, that guilt comes up again so the daughter's actually experiencing waves of guilt throughout this decision. So please understand this isn't easy for daughters. It's often one of the most painful decisions that they have to make inside of their mother-daughter relationship. Vera messages underneath all of the silence, and sometimes the daughter doesn't have the words for these underlying messages. The most common unspoken message underneath the distance is I don't know how to be okay and be with you. this message is saying, when I'm around you, I don't know how to be myself. It's not that I don't love you, it's that I lose me. Another message that's underneath distance is I need you to be different and I don't really know how to ask for that. This shows up in daughters who've tried to communicate their needs. Who have tried to voice their feelings and their emotions and what they want from their mom, and they're met with dismissiveness, they're met with defensiveness, and they're met with a mom who just won't listen. So, let me give you an example. I worked with a client, let's call her Sarah. She decided to go low contact with her mother after years of trying to get her mom to stop commenting on her body. Every time Sarah brought it up, her mom would say something like, well, I'm just trying to help, or something even worse. You are just being too sensitive. Eventually Sarah stopped asking her mom to stop because clearly that wasn't working, and then eventually she just stopped visiting. Her mom ended up being devastated and confused of why she no longer really had any access or communication with her daughter, but from Sarah's perspective, she had been asking her mom over and over and over again to stop and it never stopped, and she was met with defensiveness and being dismissed about her feelings about what she was trying to voice, and asking her mom to stop doing that. And another underlying message underneath detachment and distance is, I'm not punishing you. I'm surviving. And so I really want moms to hear this. One, your daughter's distant is not revenge, and it's not about making you suffer. It's not manipulation. it's not a tactic to try to force you to change, it's also not her being dramatic or holding a grudge or being disrespectful or just not caring about you. Your daughter's trying to survive and she's trying to keep her mental health intact. She's trying to protect herself and she's trying to not lose herself inside of a relationship. That might be way too critical and way too hard for her to be herself in. She's basically doing this to protect parts of herself. I know there might be mothers who are listening to this trying to understand why her daughter may have chose detachment no matter what side of the spectrum that her daughter falls on. and I want you to understand that your daughter's distance is not a simple decision for her. her silence is telling you that the relationship felt unsafe for her. And when people talk about not feeling safe around others, especially their moms, it's not usually. Feeling safe physically. We're not saying that you are going to harm your daughter physically. It's usually emotional safety. It's usually feeling criticized or dismissed or not even heard inside the relationship, and that she can't show up as herself emotionally. She doesn't feel safe. Her silence and her distance is telling you that she could not figure out how to be safe, be herself and feel good, and be in a relationship with you. So she chose the other three. She chose emotional safety. She chose to be in relationships where she could be herself, and she chose not to be in a relationship with you in order to have the other things she would actually like all of them to happen at once versus having to choose between you or herself. When your daughter comes to you and she meets things inside of the relationship to change, she's not telling you that you're a terrible mother. She's not telling you that you got everything wrong. She's just voicing what she needs to be different. That way you guys can have a healthier and happier relationship, but if you meet her with defensiveness or dismissing what she brings to you because maybe you feel guilty or shamed or. Or whatever emotions come up for you based off what she's telling you. If you lean into those emotions versus saying, you know, I'm really sorry that this is how I've shown up. Yes, I can stop doing that. Yes, I don't have to say those things. I can stop speaking about this part of you. I don't want you to feel that way, and I also don't wanna lose you. If you meet her with the opposite of that, of being dismissive or being defensive, eventually you might lose your daughter. And I know that on the other side of estrangement, like today I'm talking about daughters. In the next episode that I'm going to create, I'm going to talk to you about estrangement as well. You guys are on the other side of that while the daughter is experiencing estrangement. So are you as the mother, But I decided to start with daughters in this two part series because daughters are often the ones who are demonized when estrangement is chosen, and they're not very seen when it comes to why they made this decision. It's usually looked at as they're the ones who are being negative or mean or disrespectful, and we're not actually looking at why they made this decision or what has happened to cause them to do this. so as I wrap up today's episode, I want to remind daughters that you can still love your mom and eat distance from her. You can still desire a healthier and happier relationship with her while having to detach from her in order to work on healing. Your feelings are very valid in what you experienced and the impact that it had on you, and you don't have to feel guilty for choosing to protect yourself in the best way that you knew How. If your mother listening to this, as I wrap up today's episode, I want you to know that there's still hope. The only person that can tell you that there's no hope of getting your daughter back is actually your daughter. And if she hasn't told you that, then there's still space for things to change and there's still space for you to actually finally see her and hear her and change your relationship for something better. if something I said landed today, I want you to sit with that. Pay attention to what emotions came up or what you learned about yourself or maybe even your daughter during this episode. Next week, I'm gonna be talking about estrangement again, but this time I'm gonna be talking to moms who are experiencing estrangement from their daughters. So stay tuned for that. And this summer I'm running two groups and I think you may want to be a part of one of them. I'll tell you more about it in the next episode and in the coming weeks. That's all I have for you today. Thank you for being here with me, and I will catch you in the next one.

That's all for today's episode of the Mother-Daughter Relationship Show. Thanks so much for spending this time with me. I hope you picked up some valuable insights that you can start using right away in your own relationship to create deeper connection and understanding. If something from today's episode resonated with you, don't keep it to yourself. Share it with the mother or daughter in your life who needs to hear this message. And while you're at it, please consider leaving a rating. And review so we can reach more families and transform the way mothers and daughters relate to each other. For those ready to take the next step, you can visit my website to learn more about my private coaching programs and my program designed specifically for mother-daughter pairs. Whether you're dealing with communication challenges, life transitions, or just wanna strengthen an already good relationship, I'm here to help. Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you in the next one.