Hello listeners. Welcome to Social Skills Coaching. Today is April 3, 2024. Here is
where you become more likeable, more charismatic, and more productive.
Feeling stuck in conversations? Today's episode is all about leveling up your
communication game. Based on Patrick King's insightful book, Conversation Skills Training will
unlock the secrets of building rapport through mirroring and matching, a powerful technique
for fostering connection. You can learn more about Patrick King, of course, at bit.ly-slash-pk
Consulting, and for now, here's today's episode.
Think of someone who is really good at doing impressions. They're able to so perfectly
capture another person's personality, not just because they can mimic their voice and
mannerisms, but also because somehow they can put all these things together and portray the
person's deeper essence. Noticing this essence takes practice, but at first try to simply pay
attention to how people are taking up space, how they're breathing, and the aggregate of all
their expressions. Language, posture, appearance comes across. Reflecting someone's essence may
take a special touch, but you'd be surprised at how instantly you can create camaraderie if you
can do so. If ever you're with someone and you just click, try to see things from the other side
and ask what the other person did to make you feel that communication and connection were so
easy with them. Chances are it's mirroring. Here's a little trick you can try not just to
build rapport, but to test whether you're getting anywhere in that goal. Step one, pay attention
to their internal or external communication cues, or their voice or language. Step two,
match or mirror subtly on just one or two aspects. Step three, after a while match them on some
other aspect. Step four, finally do something different. For example, if you've been mirroring
a low and slow tone of voice plus crossed legs, suddenly change up your voice and speak louder
and more quickly, or uncross your legs and cross your arms instead. Step five, now observe. Did
they follow suit and mirror you? If so, congratulations, you've likely established rapport. If not,
no problem, there's still time. As you get better at matching and mirroring and conversation in
general, you can start experimenting with leading interactions with certain behaviors rather than
just following the other person's lead. This way you can take charge of conversations and shape them
in a positive direction, fostering connection and understanding, usually without the other person
even knowing it. Here's another trick you can try once you get the hang of reading other people's
communication cues. Step one, think of someone you have an excellent rapport with and try to feel
what it feels like when you're around that person. Really recreate that experience in your body,
heart and mind. Step two, consciously try to summon up that same feeling in yourself right now,
imagining it expanding through your body. For example, maybe with a very good friend,
you feel expansive, you're quick to smile, and you lean forward ever so slightly. Maybe you feel
ultra relaxed and warm. Whatever the sensation is, imagine that it's surrounding you like an aura.
Then let it guide how you behave, think, feel, and move in the moment.
Step three, project the feeling toward the person you're with, and imagine that this amazing aura
is flowing around them too. This technique is taking a reverse perspective on mirroring,
since you are the one who is going first and inviting others to mirror and match you.
If you master those good, happy vibes, don't be surprised if people suddenly seem very willing
to be drawn in. Way four, match on content. Basically, seek common ground. If people like
people who are like them, then rapport is, in some ways, just a matter of finding how
you're like the person in front of you. Potential areas of common ground include
your history and background, such as school, hometown, past jobs, shared connections.
Personal values, such as family, hard work, creativity, learning, etc.
Core beliefs about the world? Emotional state, both current and more generally in life. Style,
accent, ways of speaking and verbal idiosyncrasies, hobbies, shared experiences, degree of formality.
For example, do they use slang and swear words? Or are they very correct, polite, and articulate?
Convention, class, age, or generation? Personality differences. For example,
some people bond over being flippant, quirky, serious-minded, poetic, spiritually inclined,
straight-laced, mischievous, etc. But people can also differ in their focus on the bigger picture
versus the details, the emotional versus the factual content of a conversation,
or the overall volume of information they're comfortable exchanging.
Wave 5. Chunking. One final way to establish effortless rapport is something you might not
have considered before, carefully moderating the questions you ask people to control the
level of detail of information you get. There are two different modes we can adopt any time
we ask someone a question. Chunking down is about diving down into details and going from the general
to the specific. Questions that chunk down give more color, depth, and richness to the conversation.
However, if you stay too long mired in the details, the conversation can quickly get lost,
overwhelmed, or even boring. We ask a chunking down question every time we want to learn more,
and when we do so, we build rapport, since we're showing interest in the real nitty gritty of what
we're told. For example, we could ask, how exactly did that happen? Tell me more about X, Y, Z.
Why did this specific thing happen?
Chunking up goes in the other direction, from the specific to the general.
We ask a question that leads us to see the bigger picture and overarching patterns in the
broader view, i.e., a model that fits all the smaller details inside it. When we ask questions
in this mode, we're showing that we are paying attention and processing and synthesizing what
we're told, which is a different way to build rapport. For example, we could ask,
how does this tie into this other idea we spoke about, X, Y, Z? What do all these details mean?
What's the pattern here? What does this thing connect to?
During conversations, it's not really a matter of which question mode is best,
but rather keeping things varied. Imagine you're zooming in and out, first drilling down to learn
more about the most interesting details, then coming up for air and getting a broader view.
Not only will such a conversation feel like it flows more naturally and enjoyably,
your dynamic interest in what you're being told will create a sense of rapport with the other person.
At the very least, simply avoid being in one mode for too long. So, for example, if you notice that
you've asked five chunking up questions in a row, be aware that you may be alienating the other person
in overly abstract or aloof hypotheticals. Create balance by asking a detailed question,
which will bring in some immediacy and intimacy. Similarly, if you notice the conversation is
feeling a little mired in one detail after another, for example, those conversations where people lose
a narrative thread because they dwell too long on the minute but insignificant details of who
said what and when, then pause, zoom out, and get a broader view of where you are. You might say
something like, so all in all, it seems like yesterday was a pretty crazy day, huh?
Expressing without speaking. How do you read people's nonverbal communication?
Words are not the only things that carry meaning. Appearance, objects, sound, fragrance, and even
space all have socially shared significance. Communication, therefore, includes expressions
of the entire body, movement, gesture, physical orientation, and a range of perlinguistic cues
already discussed, such as voice pitch, volume, and intonation. Proximity, color, even time,
almost anything can serve as a carrier of meaning and, therefore, be used in human communication.
How to read micro-expressions? A micro-expression is a quick just 0.5 to 4 seconds, and in voluntary
facial expression produced when experiencing any motion. Micro-expressions are genuine, meaning
or concealed, and this makes them an ideal behavior to observe when with other people.
The reasoning is that if you can actually understand the emotional state of the person in
front of you, communication automatically becomes easier, more direct, and more real.
It's possible that you are already able to read micro-expressions, but do so unconsciously.
Have you ever spoken to someone, and even though they said all the right things and appeared to
be smiling, you still got a gut feeling that they were upset? You might have come to this
conclusion because your unconscious mind noticed the genuine micro-expression of anger and knew
that this revealed the true feeling. What we might do unconsciously can be done with more
deliberation and practice. Basically, the seven primary human emotions come from universal
physiological responses to the environment. Micro-expressions are quicker, more subtle versions
of the more obvious macro-expressions you're already familiar with. As you read the following
descriptions, try to mirror and match them and see how quickly you start to feel the emotion they
represent. Surprise. Raised and curved eyebrows. Stretched skin below the prowl. Horizontal wrinkles
across the forehead. Eyelids open with the white of the eye showing all around the iris.
Jaw open and teeth parted, but without tension in the mouth.
Fear. Eyebrows raised and knotted together. Forehead wrinkled in the center and not straight
across. Upper eyelid raised, with lower lid also tense and drawn up. Eyes show white above the
iris but not below it. Mouth open, with lips slightly tense or stretched back.
Disgust. Eyes narrowed, upper lip lifted, upper teeth potentially exposed, nose wrinkled, cheeks
raised. Anger. Eyebrows lowered and pulled together. Vertical lines between the eyebrows.
Lower lip tightened. Eyes staring or bulging. Lips can be pursed,
corners down, or in a square shape as if shouting. Nostrils may be widened.
Lower jaw juts forward. Happiness. Corners of the lips pulled back and up.
Mouth may or may not be parted, teeth shown. A wrinkle appears from outer nose to upper lip.
Cheeks raised. Lower eyelid may wrinkle or tighten a little.
Crows feet appear at the corners of the eyes. Sadness. Inner corners of eyebrows drawn in
and up. Corner of the lips drawn down. Jaw comes up. Lower lip pouts.
Contempt or hate. Fairly neutral expression. One side of the mouth raised.
Noticing micro expressions is only the beginning. What do you do with your observations?
There are two possibilities. One, the micro expression aligns with what is being said,
in which case there is additional information and body language to add dimension to what is
being communicated to you. Two, or the micro expression in fact contradicts what is being said.
In this case, you can assume that the person is concealing something, or flat out deceiving you
or themselves, or else they are conflicted and wearing a kind of mask. But again,
this simply adds more data to your reading of them.
Posture and body orientation. People's postures can reveal a great deal about them.
Have you ever failed to comprehend what the other person was truly thinking when you were texting
them and, as a result, had an awkward misunderstanding? This probably happened because
an important channel of information was closed off to you both, the nonverbal body language cues
that would have allowed you to fine-tune your conversation.
Let's revisit the idea of open and closed body posture. Rather than taking any single
action in isolation, crossed arms mean you're angry. A toe pointing toward the door means
you want to run away and so on. Observe the entire body as one unit.
An open posture portrays friendliness, receptivity, and positivity. The feet are spread wide,
and the palms of your hands are exposed and facing outward or visible. It's easy to see if
someone's overall demeanor is communicating openness, but it's just as important to be
self-aware and make sure that you are also communicating the right message with open
postural language. Keep a straight spine with your head lifted. Open the chest and relax the
shoulders down, loosen your facial features, and turn your entire body to face the other person.
A closed posture portrays boredom, hostility, or detachment. The impression is one of tension
and tightness. Arms and legs may be crossed, the features of the face will be tight, clenched,
or pulled, hands will be closed or grasping, and the body will either seem to be hunched
or crumpled in upon itself, or else stiff and immobile, perhaps with shoulders held too high.
Many so-called body language experts will go into great detail about what this or that tiny
movement or gesture means, but this is usually unnecessary. You can achieve an incredible
amount of insight into the person in front of you by simply asking whether they are open or closed,
and further whether their posture aligns with their verbal expression or contradicts it.
Reading body language is not a foolproof science, but rather a way to collect observations
and seek out patterns. There are two rules to effective body language reading.
One, no single detail is decisive and conclusive. Two, consider every observation against a baseline.
For example, if you notice that someone's arms are crossed, you'd be wrong to conclude
solely based on this observation that they are angry or closed off. Perhaps it's winter and
they're simply cold. This is why you need to consider context and a range of observations,
seeking repeated patterns rather than just a single isolated behavior. If they're scowling,
crossing their arms, and turning away from you, the conclusion that they're angry holds more weight.
Imagine that you one day receive a warm hug and a big smile from someone you've just met.
Are they coming on to you? Don't assume they are until you know what their baseline is,
i.e. what is normal for them. Notice that they hug and smile at everyone all the time,
and your observations suddenly don't imply flirtatiousness anymore.
Eye contact. The eyes are such an important and expressive part of the human body
that they could classed as a form of communication all their own, not to mention
assumed to be the windows to the soul and one of the focal points. There's a visual predicate
right there of love poetry the world over. First things first, eye contact in itself
is neither good nor bad. Rather, it's a question of how you make it, when, and why.
More is not always better. When you're making eye contact with someone you've just met and
don't know very well, the mere act of lingering your gaze on theirs for slightly longer than is
comfortable is a courageous way to signal that you are wanting to up the intensity and get to
know the person a little better. If they match and mirror this eye contact, consider that your
message has been heard and the response is broadly positive. Better eye contact skills
will reap benefits in the workplace, will make you a better public speaker, will help you smooth
over conflicts, and will make you appear more charismatic to the opposite sex. In a study
led by Dr. Arthur Aaron, men and women were put into opposite sex pairs and asked to look
into each other's eyes for two minutes straight. These couples later reported feelings of attraction,
affection, and even love for the people they originally met as strangers. Surprisingly,
one of the couples even married, so the eyes are powerful communicators.
Eye contact can create intimacy and intensity, but too much can be disastrous. Whatever you do,
you don't want your eye contact to be inappropriate or unwelcome. Don't stare at people.
If you're looking at them and they look away to avoid your gaze and then return their gaze and
you're still looking at them, this will feel intrusive and even violating to them.
In his book, The Power of Eye Contact, psychologist Michael Ellsberg explains,
In order for eye contact to feel good, one person cannot impose his visual will on another.
It is a shared experience. Perhaps eyes meet only for a second at first. One partner then tests
the waters and tries a few seconds, and when that is met warmly, the pair can begin ramping up the
eye contact together until they are locked in a beautiful dance of eyes and gazes.
A good rule of thumb is to be brave and initiate eye contact, but after two unsuccessful attempts
to catch their eye, stop. Be mindful of the rest of your body language and moderate yourself.
Eye contact plus leaning back may make the intimacy a little more comfortable, whereas
eye contact and close proximity and intense language can be overwhelming.
Another good idea is to take frequent pauses. A little eye contact goes a long way.
Rest your gaze elsewhere for a while. Look to the side, not down, or try career expert
Cara Ronan's triangle technique to cut potential awkwardness. One, draw an imaginary inverted
triangle on the other person's face around their eyes and mouth. Two, during the conversation,
change your gaze every five to ten seconds from one point on the triangle to another.
This will make you look interested and engrossed in the conversation without coming across as creepy.
Power Linguistics
As you become a more active speaker and listener, increasing your awareness of the subtle nuances
of verbal communication can contribute significantly to the quality of the conversation you have with
others. This awareness will also promote a deeper understanding of and connection with those around
you. When you speak, you expose a great deal about yourself, much of which frequently has
nothing at all to do with the words you are using. The term Power Linguistics refers to
the study of voice tone, volume, inflection and pitch, and other components of non-verbal
vocal communication that we've already briefly explored. Pay attention to your own voice and
its function. It takes effort and practice to become a comfortable, conscious speaker.
Think about how much of an impact your vocal inflection can have on the interpretation of what
you're saying. It's possible to communicate either extreme happiness or else anger and contempt
while using the very same words. How people deliver their words is as important as the words
themselves. Become aware both of what you are communicating as well as what others are communicating
with you and your powers of communication will strengthen enormously. The Four P's of Voice
Imagine that speaking is like a train ride. Peaks and valleys are more exciting and adventurous
while flat, unchanging terrain is not. Try to vary your speed and speak so as to include peaks,
valleys, flat terrains and pauses. Likewise, listen to the landscape of other people's
speech and see what it tells you about their state of mind and the message they're sharing
beyond the words they use. One, power or projection, how loud or soft you speak.
Modify your voice projection and speak loudly if you're addressing more people. A confident
speaker has good projection. Low projections make listeners lean forward to listen.
When telling a secret or wanting people to come closer to you, employ low projection.
Two, pace. How fast or how slowly you speak. Quick speech implies nervousness, energy,
enthusiasm, force or even fear. Slow speech can convey calmness and gravity or else be boring
be animated and vary the speed of your speech depending on the effect you want it to have on
others. Three, pitch high or low. Pitch conveys emotion. High pitch reflects warmth, happiness,
surprise or excitement. Low pitch expresses power, relaxation, aggression or sadness.
Four, pause. Quiet moments bring emphasis or allow listeners to absorb and process.
Poor communicators think that a pause is asking to be interrupted or an admission that you forgot
what you were saying. But skilled conversationalists know that pauses are powerful. They use them to
add significance to their words and pace themselves, keeping their listeners on board with what
they're saying. Advanced speakers use a pause to optimize their speech's impact on their audience.
How to improve your vocal variety. So how do you know whether to pause or not? How do you know when
to talk more quickly or loudly or with a higher pitch? Well, imagine that all the shades and
nuances available in your voice are like colors in a palette. Whatever you're communicating,
you can paint a more powerful picture for the other person if you're using a full rich palette of
colors. Vocal variety is a little like being physically flexible and fit. It means we are
familiar with and comfortable using the full range of our voice's potential. And like physical
fitness, we can train this variety. Here are a few ideas. Before you socialize, literally warm up your
vocal cords like an actor before a rehearsal. Massage your cheeks and jaw and practice saying
mama mama and wah wah wah wah sounds or do lip trills where you forcefully blow raspberries by
expelling a stream of air through pursed lips. This develops both breath and vocal control.
Practice diaphragm breathing. Place one hand on your belly and one on your chest and take deep
breaths so that only your belly hand rises. After a few breaths, see if you can speak a
long slow sentence on one full belly breath. Play around with what it feels like to control
this stream of air so that your voice is calm and measured. Pick a random passage of text.
Children's storybooks are great for this. And read through the passage first in a dull monotone.
Then read through it again, trying to add as much color as possible.
Change your pitch, pacing, tone. Be dramatic. Interactions can be awkward at first simply
because you're using vocal muscles that are not warmed up. Warm up this way and you'll feel more
vocally limber when you next enter a conversation. If you find that your pitch gets uncomfortably high
or low, or that you are often breathless or struggle to moderate volume, consider taking up
singing to help improve your vocal mastery. Even chanting can help.
An alternative is to take up improv classes or learn to do a little acting. When you think of
your voice as an expressive and artistic tool, you become far more aware of its power and how you
can use this power according to your own ends. The irony is that the better you are able to
master and control your own voice, and the more self-awareness you have around your voice,
the better you will become at hearing other people's voices in three dimensions.
You'll notice the breathless or choked quality in a friend's speech and understand that they're
nervous. You'll notice the subtle change in pitch that signals someone's rising excitement,
and know exactly how to match them to show your synchrony and support for that excitement.
Communication is not just vocal, but that doesn't mean that the voice isn't an extremely powerful
and flexible tool that lets you communicate anything and everything.
Summary
The best mindset to adopt in order to become a better communicator is the one that will best
allow you to connect, meet your needs, solve problems, and express yourself.
Begin by asking yourself what your default communication style is, aggressive, passive
aggressive, or manipulative. None of these styles actually achieves the ultimate goal of communication,
however. The way you communicate is a choice. Assertive communication is the ability to express
needs, wants, thoughts, and feelings directly without disrespecting or controlling others.
Mature conversation lists are self-controlled, balanced, relaxed, open, and respectful.
Communicating well is simple and easy, but we need to remove the formidable psychological
barriers that stand in the way. With awareness, we can remove them and improve our communication
skills. Barriers to good conversation include assumptions, strong negative emotions like
anger and aggression, which inspire defensiveness, preconceived ideas and prejudice, fear, inflexibility,
and a need to control, premature evaluation and judgment, and other negative conversational habits
like interrupting or one-upping. Good conversation is, firstly, about the degree of concordance,
harmony, and synchronicity between you and the person you're talking to, i.e. rapport.
We can increase rapport by mirroring and matching both non-verbal and verbal expression.
This can be done with internal and external cues,
voice and language, content, and chunking style, i.e. up or down.
When reading someone's body language, pay attention to micro expressions, their overall
posture and orientation in space, as well as their degree of eye contact.
Power linguistics refers to information carried in the tone, pace, pitch, etc. of the voice.
Think in terms of overall openness or closeness, but remember that no single detail is decisive
and conclusive, and that observations should always be compared against a baseline.
And that's it for this episode of Social Skills Coaching. Remember, deciphering
non-verbal cues and mirroring expressions can dramatically improve your conversations.
For more tips and tricks on becoming a social master,
visit Patrick King Consulting at bit.ly slash pkconsulting. Until next time, stay tuned
for more tools to elevate your social skills.