1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:13,680 Hello listeners. Welcome to Social Skills Coaching. Today is April 3, 2024. Here is 2 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:18,120 where you become more likeable, more charismatic, and more productive. 3 00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:25,800 Feeling stuck in conversations? Today's episode is all about leveling up your 4 00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:32,800 communication game. Based on Patrick King's insightful book, Conversation Skills Training will 5 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:39,120 unlock the secrets of building rapport through mirroring and matching, a powerful technique 6 00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:45,920 for fostering connection. You can learn more about Patrick King, of course, at bit.ly-slash-pk 7 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:49,320 Consulting, and for now, here's today's episode. 8 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:05,600 Think of someone who is really good at doing impressions. They're able to so perfectly 9 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:11,120 capture another person's personality, not just because they can mimic their voice and 10 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:18,960 mannerisms, but also because somehow they can put all these things together and portray the 11 00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:28,040 person's deeper essence. Noticing this essence takes practice, but at first try to simply pay 12 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:34,840 attention to how people are taking up space, how they're breathing, and the aggregate of all 13 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:44,080 their expressions. Language, posture, appearance comes across. Reflecting someone's essence may 14 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:50,880 take a special touch, but you'd be surprised at how instantly you can create camaraderie if you 15 00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:58,440 can do so. If ever you're with someone and you just click, try to see things from the other side 16 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:04,440 and ask what the other person did to make you feel that communication and connection were so 17 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:11,560 easy with them. Chances are it's mirroring. Here's a little trick you can try not just to 18 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:19,280 build rapport, but to test whether you're getting anywhere in that goal. Step one, pay attention 19 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:27,760 to their internal or external communication cues, or their voice or language. Step two, 20 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:38,840 match or mirror subtly on just one or two aspects. Step three, after a while match them on some 21 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:47,160 other aspect. Step four, finally do something different. For example, if you've been mirroring 22 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:55,120 a low and slow tone of voice plus crossed legs, suddenly change up your voice and speak louder 23 00:02:55,280 --> 00:03:05,960 and more quickly, or uncross your legs and cross your arms instead. Step five, now observe. Did 24 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:14,960 they follow suit and mirror you? If so, congratulations, you've likely established rapport. If not, 25 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:23,360 no problem, there's still time. As you get better at matching and mirroring and conversation in 26 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:30,080 general, you can start experimenting with leading interactions with certain behaviors rather than 27 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:37,280 just following the other person's lead. This way you can take charge of conversations and shape them 28 00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:44,000 in a positive direction, fostering connection and understanding, usually without the other person 29 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:51,040 even knowing it. Here's another trick you can try once you get the hang of reading other people's 30 00:03:51,120 --> 00:04:01,120 communication cues. Step one, think of someone you have an excellent rapport with and try to feel 31 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:08,720 what it feels like when you're around that person. Really recreate that experience in your body, 32 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:17,520 heart and mind. Step two, consciously try to summon up that same feeling in yourself right now, 33 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:24,640 imagining it expanding through your body. For example, maybe with a very good friend, 34 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:32,480 you feel expansive, you're quick to smile, and you lean forward ever so slightly. Maybe you feel 35 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:40,400 ultra relaxed and warm. Whatever the sensation is, imagine that it's surrounding you like an aura. 36 00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:47,920 Then let it guide how you behave, think, feel, and move in the moment. 37 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:58,320 Step three, project the feeling toward the person you're with, and imagine that this amazing aura 38 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:06,480 is flowing around them too. This technique is taking a reverse perspective on mirroring, 39 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:12,240 since you are the one who is going first and inviting others to mirror and match you. 40 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:19,920 If you master those good, happy vibes, don't be surprised if people suddenly seem very willing 41 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:31,600 to be drawn in. Way four, match on content. Basically, seek common ground. If people like 42 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:38,320 people who are like them, then rapport is, in some ways, just a matter of finding how 43 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:44,720 you're like the person in front of you. Potential areas of common ground include 44 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:51,040 your history and background, such as school, hometown, past jobs, shared connections. 45 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:59,040 Personal values, such as family, hard work, creativity, learning, etc. 46 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:09,040 Core beliefs about the world? Emotional state, both current and more generally in life. Style, 47 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:20,080 accent, ways of speaking and verbal idiosyncrasies, hobbies, shared experiences, degree of formality. 48 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:28,080 For example, do they use slang and swear words? Or are they very correct, polite, and articulate? 49 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:36,960 Convention, class, age, or generation? Personality differences. For example, 50 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:44,400 some people bond over being flippant, quirky, serious-minded, poetic, spiritually inclined, 51 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:51,520 straight-laced, mischievous, etc. But people can also differ in their focus on the bigger picture 52 00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:56,880 versus the details, the emotional versus the factual content of a conversation, 53 00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:02,240 or the overall volume of information they're comfortable exchanging. 54 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:13,760 Wave 5. Chunking. One final way to establish effortless rapport is something you might not 55 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:20,400 have considered before, carefully moderating the questions you ask people to control the 56 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:26,640 level of detail of information you get. There are two different modes we can adopt any time 57 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:35,600 we ask someone a question. Chunking down is about diving down into details and going from the general 58 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:44,560 to the specific. Questions that chunk down give more color, depth, and richness to the conversation. 59 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:52,080 However, if you stay too long mired in the details, the conversation can quickly get lost, 60 00:07:52,640 --> 00:08:00,080 overwhelmed, or even boring. We ask a chunking down question every time we want to learn more, 61 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:06,880 and when we do so, we build rapport, since we're showing interest in the real nitty gritty of what 62 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:15,920 we're told. For example, we could ask, how exactly did that happen? Tell me more about X, Y, Z. 63 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:19,760 Why did this specific thing happen? 64 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:25,920 Chunking up goes in the other direction, from the specific to the general. 65 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:32,480 We ask a question that leads us to see the bigger picture and overarching patterns in the 66 00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:41,520 broader view, i.e., a model that fits all the smaller details inside it. When we ask questions 67 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:48,480 in this mode, we're showing that we are paying attention and processing and synthesizing what 68 00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:54,000 we're told, which is a different way to build rapport. For example, we could ask, 69 00:08:54,880 --> 00:09:02,480 how does this tie into this other idea we spoke about, X, Y, Z? What do all these details mean? 70 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:07,600 What's the pattern here? What does this thing connect to? 71 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:14,960 During conversations, it's not really a matter of which question mode is best, 72 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:23,200 but rather keeping things varied. Imagine you're zooming in and out, first drilling down to learn 73 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:28,320 more about the most interesting details, then coming up for air and getting a broader view. 74 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:34,880 Not only will such a conversation feel like it flows more naturally and enjoyably, 75 00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:41,840 your dynamic interest in what you're being told will create a sense of rapport with the other person. 76 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:51,040 At the very least, simply avoid being in one mode for too long. So, for example, if you notice that 77 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:58,640 you've asked five chunking up questions in a row, be aware that you may be alienating the other person 78 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:07,040 in overly abstract or aloof hypotheticals. Create balance by asking a detailed question, 79 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:15,280 which will bring in some immediacy and intimacy. Similarly, if you notice the conversation is 80 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:22,720 feeling a little mired in one detail after another, for example, those conversations where people lose 81 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:29,440 a narrative thread because they dwell too long on the minute but insignificant details of who 82 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:38,320 said what and when, then pause, zoom out, and get a broader view of where you are. You might say 83 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:43,360 something like, so all in all, it seems like yesterday was a pretty crazy day, huh? 84 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:52,400 Expressing without speaking. How do you read people's nonverbal communication? 85 00:10:53,760 --> 00:11:01,040 Words are not the only things that carry meaning. Appearance, objects, sound, fragrance, and even 86 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:08,160 space all have socially shared significance. Communication, therefore, includes expressions 87 00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:17,280 of the entire body, movement, gesture, physical orientation, and a range of perlinguistic cues 88 00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:25,760 already discussed, such as voice pitch, volume, and intonation. Proximity, color, even time, 89 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:32,880 almost anything can serve as a carrier of meaning and, therefore, be used in human communication. 90 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:47,840 How to read micro-expressions? A micro-expression is a quick just 0.5 to 4 seconds, and in voluntary 91 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:56,240 facial expression produced when experiencing any motion. Micro-expressions are genuine, meaning 92 00:11:56,400 --> 00:12:02,240 or concealed, and this makes them an ideal behavior to observe when with other people. 93 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:07,920 The reasoning is that if you can actually understand the emotional state of the person in 94 00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:15,040 front of you, communication automatically becomes easier, more direct, and more real. 95 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:22,640 It's possible that you are already able to read micro-expressions, but do so unconsciously. 96 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:29,040 Have you ever spoken to someone, and even though they said all the right things and appeared to 97 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:35,280 be smiling, you still got a gut feeling that they were upset? You might have come to this 98 00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:43,360 conclusion because your unconscious mind noticed the genuine micro-expression of anger and knew 99 00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:51,040 that this revealed the true feeling. What we might do unconsciously can be done with more 100 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:59,440 deliberation and practice. Basically, the seven primary human emotions come from universal 101 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:08,000 physiological responses to the environment. Micro-expressions are quicker, more subtle versions 102 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:14,480 of the more obvious macro-expressions you're already familiar with. As you read the following 103 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:21,680 descriptions, try to mirror and match them and see how quickly you start to feel the emotion they 104 00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:31,920 represent. Surprise. Raised and curved eyebrows. Stretched skin below the prowl. Horizontal wrinkles 105 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:38,720 across the forehead. Eyelids open with the white of the eye showing all around the iris. 106 00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:43,680 Jaw open and teeth parted, but without tension in the mouth. 107 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:52,960 Fear. Eyebrows raised and knotted together. Forehead wrinkled in the center and not straight 108 00:13:52,960 --> 00:14:02,560 across. Upper eyelid raised, with lower lid also tense and drawn up. Eyes show white above the 109 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:09,280 iris but not below it. Mouth open, with lips slightly tense or stretched back. 110 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:21,280 Disgust. Eyes narrowed, upper lip lifted, upper teeth potentially exposed, nose wrinkled, cheeks 111 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:30,560 raised. Anger. Eyebrows lowered and pulled together. Vertical lines between the eyebrows. 112 00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:39,040 Lower lip tightened. Eyes staring or bulging. Lips can be pursed, 113 00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:45,840 corners down, or in a square shape as if shouting. Nostrils may be widened. 114 00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:54,240 Lower jaw juts forward. Happiness. Corners of the lips pulled back and up. 115 00:14:55,120 --> 00:15:02,960 Mouth may or may not be parted, teeth shown. A wrinkle appears from outer nose to upper lip. 116 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:08,960 Cheeks raised. Lower eyelid may wrinkle or tighten a little. 117 00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:19,280 Crows feet appear at the corners of the eyes. Sadness. Inner corners of eyebrows drawn in 118 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:26,240 and up. Corner of the lips drawn down. Jaw comes up. Lower lip pouts. 119 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:33,360 Contempt or hate. Fairly neutral expression. One side of the mouth raised. 120 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:41,280 Noticing micro expressions is only the beginning. What do you do with your observations? 121 00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:48,080 There are two possibilities. One, the micro expression aligns with what is being said, 122 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:54,320 in which case there is additional information and body language to add dimension to what is 123 00:15:54,320 --> 00:16:02,960 being communicated to you. Two, or the micro expression in fact contradicts what is being said. 124 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:10,080 In this case, you can assume that the person is concealing something, or flat out deceiving you 125 00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:15,440 or themselves, or else they are conflicted and wearing a kind of mask. But again, 126 00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:19,760 this simply adds more data to your reading of them. 127 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:29,280 Posture and body orientation. People's postures can reveal a great deal about them. 128 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:35,120 Have you ever failed to comprehend what the other person was truly thinking when you were texting 129 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:42,800 them and, as a result, had an awkward misunderstanding? This probably happened because 130 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:50,000 an important channel of information was closed off to you both, the nonverbal body language cues 131 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,880 that would have allowed you to fine-tune your conversation. 132 00:16:54,080 --> 00:17:01,040 Let's revisit the idea of open and closed body posture. Rather than taking any single 133 00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:07,680 action in isolation, crossed arms mean you're angry. A toe pointing toward the door means 134 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:12,880 you want to run away and so on. Observe the entire body as one unit. 135 00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:23,440 An open posture portrays friendliness, receptivity, and positivity. The feet are spread wide, 136 00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:30,880 and the palms of your hands are exposed and facing outward or visible. It's easy to see if 137 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:36,800 someone's overall demeanor is communicating openness, but it's just as important to be 138 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:43,600 self-aware and make sure that you are also communicating the right message with open 139 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:51,360 postural language. Keep a straight spine with your head lifted. Open the chest and relax the 140 00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:59,040 shoulders down, loosen your facial features, and turn your entire body to face the other person. 141 00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:08,160 A closed posture portrays boredom, hostility, or detachment. The impression is one of tension 142 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:15,280 and tightness. Arms and legs may be crossed, the features of the face will be tight, clenched, 143 00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:23,040 or pulled, hands will be closed or grasping, and the body will either seem to be hunched 144 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:31,360 or crumpled in upon itself, or else stiff and immobile, perhaps with shoulders held too high. 145 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:40,400 Many so-called body language experts will go into great detail about what this or that tiny 146 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:48,800 movement or gesture means, but this is usually unnecessary. You can achieve an incredible 147 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:56,080 amount of insight into the person in front of you by simply asking whether they are open or closed, 148 00:18:56,720 --> 00:19:03,520 and further whether their posture aligns with their verbal expression or contradicts it. 149 00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:11,440 Reading body language is not a foolproof science, but rather a way to collect observations 150 00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:16,800 and seek out patterns. There are two rules to effective body language reading. 151 00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:27,360 One, no single detail is decisive and conclusive. Two, consider every observation against a baseline. 152 00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:34,320 For example, if you notice that someone's arms are crossed, you'd be wrong to conclude 153 00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:40,720 solely based on this observation that they are angry or closed off. Perhaps it's winter and 154 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:46,560 they're simply cold. This is why you need to consider context and a range of observations, 155 00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:54,560 seeking repeated patterns rather than just a single isolated behavior. If they're scowling, 156 00:19:54,560 --> 00:20:00,320 crossing their arms, and turning away from you, the conclusion that they're angry holds more weight. 157 00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:07,120 Imagine that you one day receive a warm hug and a big smile from someone you've just met. 158 00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:13,920 Are they coming on to you? Don't assume they are until you know what their baseline is, 159 00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:21,600 i.e. what is normal for them. Notice that they hug and smile at everyone all the time, 160 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:26,240 and your observations suddenly don't imply flirtatiousness anymore. 161 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:35,520 Eye contact. The eyes are such an important and expressive part of the human body 162 00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:40,960 that they could classed as a form of communication all their own, not to mention 163 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:46,800 assumed to be the windows to the soul and one of the focal points. There's a visual predicate 164 00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:54,080 right there of love poetry the world over. First things first, eye contact in itself 165 00:20:54,080 --> 00:21:00,160 is neither good nor bad. Rather, it's a question of how you make it, when, and why. 166 00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:07,520 More is not always better. When you're making eye contact with someone you've just met and 167 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:14,080 don't know very well, the mere act of lingering your gaze on theirs for slightly longer than is 168 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:20,640 comfortable is a courageous way to signal that you are wanting to up the intensity and get to 169 00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:27,280 know the person a little better. If they match and mirror this eye contact, consider that your 170 00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:35,200 message has been heard and the response is broadly positive. Better eye contact skills 171 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:41,520 will reap benefits in the workplace, will make you a better public speaker, will help you smooth 172 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:48,560 over conflicts, and will make you appear more charismatic to the opposite sex. In a study 173 00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:56,240 led by Dr. Arthur Aaron, men and women were put into opposite sex pairs and asked to look 174 00:21:56,240 --> 00:22:03,760 into each other's eyes for two minutes straight. These couples later reported feelings of attraction, 175 00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:10,480 affection, and even love for the people they originally met as strangers. Surprisingly, 176 00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:16,000 one of the couples even married, so the eyes are powerful communicators. 177 00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:24,880 Eye contact can create intimacy and intensity, but too much can be disastrous. Whatever you do, 178 00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:31,360 you don't want your eye contact to be inappropriate or unwelcome. Don't stare at people. 179 00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:38,080 If you're looking at them and they look away to avoid your gaze and then return their gaze and 180 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:43,680 you're still looking at them, this will feel intrusive and even violating to them. 181 00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:50,560 In his book, The Power of Eye Contact, psychologist Michael Ellsberg explains, 182 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:58,880 In order for eye contact to feel good, one person cannot impose his visual will on another. 183 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:07,280 It is a shared experience. Perhaps eyes meet only for a second at first. One partner then tests 184 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:15,120 the waters and tries a few seconds, and when that is met warmly, the pair can begin ramping up the 185 00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:21,520 eye contact together until they are locked in a beautiful dance of eyes and gazes. 186 00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:31,280 A good rule of thumb is to be brave and initiate eye contact, but after two unsuccessful attempts 187 00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:38,000 to catch their eye, stop. Be mindful of the rest of your body language and moderate yourself. 188 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:46,000 Eye contact plus leaning back may make the intimacy a little more comfortable, whereas 189 00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:51,200 eye contact and close proximity and intense language can be overwhelming. 190 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:58,720 Another good idea is to take frequent pauses. A little eye contact goes a long way. 191 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:07,360 Rest your gaze elsewhere for a while. Look to the side, not down, or try career expert 192 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:16,640 Cara Ronan's triangle technique to cut potential awkwardness. One, draw an imaginary inverted 193 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:23,920 triangle on the other person's face around their eyes and mouth. Two, during the conversation, 194 00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:29,920 change your gaze every five to ten seconds from one point on the triangle to another. 195 00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:36,160 This will make you look interested and engrossed in the conversation without coming across as creepy. 196 00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:39,520 Power Linguistics 197 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:48,400 As you become a more active speaker and listener, increasing your awareness of the subtle nuances 198 00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:54,640 of verbal communication can contribute significantly to the quality of the conversation you have with 199 00:24:54,640 --> 00:25:02,080 others. This awareness will also promote a deeper understanding of and connection with those around 200 00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:09,680 you. When you speak, you expose a great deal about yourself, much of which frequently has 201 00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:16,800 nothing at all to do with the words you are using. The term Power Linguistics refers to 202 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:24,080 the study of voice tone, volume, inflection and pitch, and other components of non-verbal 203 00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:31,120 vocal communication that we've already briefly explored. Pay attention to your own voice and 204 00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:36,720 its function. It takes effort and practice to become a comfortable, conscious speaker. 205 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:43,680 Think about how much of an impact your vocal inflection can have on the interpretation of what 206 00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:51,280 you're saying. It's possible to communicate either extreme happiness or else anger and contempt 207 00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:58,000 while using the very same words. How people deliver their words is as important as the words 208 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:05,120 themselves. Become aware both of what you are communicating as well as what others are communicating 209 00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:14,320 with you and your powers of communication will strengthen enormously. The Four P's of Voice 210 00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:23,040 Imagine that speaking is like a train ride. Peaks and valleys are more exciting and adventurous 211 00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:32,080 while flat, unchanging terrain is not. Try to vary your speed and speak so as to include peaks, 212 00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:39,040 valleys, flat terrains and pauses. Likewise, listen to the landscape of other people's 213 00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:45,280 speech and see what it tells you about their state of mind and the message they're sharing 214 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:53,760 beyond the words they use. One, power or projection, how loud or soft you speak. 215 00:26:55,520 --> 00:27:01,520 Modify your voice projection and speak loudly if you're addressing more people. A confident 216 00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:07,600 speaker has good projection. Low projections make listeners lean forward to listen. 217 00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:15,200 When telling a secret or wanting people to come closer to you, employ low projection. 218 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:27,760 Two, pace. How fast or how slowly you speak. Quick speech implies nervousness, energy, 219 00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:37,200 enthusiasm, force or even fear. Slow speech can convey calmness and gravity or else be boring 220 00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:43,600 be animated and vary the speed of your speech depending on the effect you want it to have on 221 00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:54,960 others. Three, pitch high or low. Pitch conveys emotion. High pitch reflects warmth, happiness, 222 00:27:54,960 --> 00:28:01,760 surprise or excitement. Low pitch expresses power, relaxation, aggression or sadness. 223 00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:11,280 Four, pause. Quiet moments bring emphasis or allow listeners to absorb and process. 224 00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:19,120 Poor communicators think that a pause is asking to be interrupted or an admission that you forgot 225 00:28:19,120 --> 00:28:26,480 what you were saying. But skilled conversationalists know that pauses are powerful. They use them to 226 00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:32,000 add significance to their words and pace themselves, keeping their listeners on board with what 227 00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:39,200 they're saying. Advanced speakers use a pause to optimize their speech's impact on their audience. 228 00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:50,800 How to improve your vocal variety. So how do you know whether to pause or not? How do you know when 229 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:58,480 to talk more quickly or loudly or with a higher pitch? Well, imagine that all the shades and 230 00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:04,480 nuances available in your voice are like colors in a palette. Whatever you're communicating, 231 00:29:05,120 --> 00:29:11,520 you can paint a more powerful picture for the other person if you're using a full rich palette of 232 00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:19,040 colors. Vocal variety is a little like being physically flexible and fit. It means we are 233 00:29:19,040 --> 00:29:25,600 familiar with and comfortable using the full range of our voice's potential. And like physical 234 00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:35,120 fitness, we can train this variety. Here are a few ideas. Before you socialize, literally warm up your 235 00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:43,360 vocal cords like an actor before a rehearsal. Massage your cheeks and jaw and practice saying 236 00:29:43,920 --> 00:29:52,800 mama mama and wah wah wah wah sounds or do lip trills where you forcefully blow raspberries by 237 00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:59,280 expelling a stream of air through pursed lips. This develops both breath and vocal control. 238 00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:09,200 Practice diaphragm breathing. Place one hand on your belly and one on your chest and take deep 239 00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:16,800 breaths so that only your belly hand rises. After a few breaths, see if you can speak a 240 00:30:16,800 --> 00:30:24,080 long slow sentence on one full belly breath. Play around with what it feels like to control 241 00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:31,280 this stream of air so that your voice is calm and measured. Pick a random passage of text. 242 00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:38,480 Children's storybooks are great for this. And read through the passage first in a dull monotone. 243 00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:43,360 Then read through it again, trying to add as much color as possible. 244 00:30:44,160 --> 00:30:51,760 Change your pitch, pacing, tone. Be dramatic. Interactions can be awkward at first simply 245 00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:57,680 because you're using vocal muscles that are not warmed up. Warm up this way and you'll feel more 246 00:30:57,680 --> 00:31:06,000 vocally limber when you next enter a conversation. If you find that your pitch gets uncomfortably high 247 00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:12,800 or low, or that you are often breathless or struggle to moderate volume, consider taking up 248 00:31:12,800 --> 00:31:17,760 singing to help improve your vocal mastery. Even chanting can help. 249 00:31:19,360 --> 00:31:25,600 An alternative is to take up improv classes or learn to do a little acting. When you think of 250 00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:33,280 your voice as an expressive and artistic tool, you become far more aware of its power and how you 251 00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:40,000 can use this power according to your own ends. The irony is that the better you are able to 252 00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:46,160 master and control your own voice, and the more self-awareness you have around your voice, 253 00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:51,680 the better you will become at hearing other people's voices in three dimensions. 254 00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:58,720 You'll notice the breathless or choked quality in a friend's speech and understand that they're 255 00:31:58,720 --> 00:32:04,480 nervous. You'll notice the subtle change in pitch that signals someone's rising excitement, 256 00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:11,120 and know exactly how to match them to show your synchrony and support for that excitement. 257 00:32:12,640 --> 00:32:19,600 Communication is not just vocal, but that doesn't mean that the voice isn't an extremely powerful 258 00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:24,720 and flexible tool that lets you communicate anything and everything. 259 00:32:24,800 --> 00:32:27,600 Summary 260 00:32:29,600 --> 00:32:35,680 The best mindset to adopt in order to become a better communicator is the one that will best 261 00:32:35,680 --> 00:32:42,000 allow you to connect, meet your needs, solve problems, and express yourself. 262 00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:50,480 Begin by asking yourself what your default communication style is, aggressive, passive 263 00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:58,000 aggressive, or manipulative. None of these styles actually achieves the ultimate goal of communication, 264 00:32:58,000 --> 00:33:06,320 however. The way you communicate is a choice. Assertive communication is the ability to express 265 00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:13,040 needs, wants, thoughts, and feelings directly without disrespecting or controlling others. 266 00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:21,280 Mature conversation lists are self-controlled, balanced, relaxed, open, and respectful. 267 00:33:23,520 --> 00:33:30,160 Communicating well is simple and easy, but we need to remove the formidable psychological 268 00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:37,840 barriers that stand in the way. With awareness, we can remove them and improve our communication 269 00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:46,480 skills. Barriers to good conversation include assumptions, strong negative emotions like 270 00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:55,600 anger and aggression, which inspire defensiveness, preconceived ideas and prejudice, fear, inflexibility, 271 00:33:55,600 --> 00:34:03,600 and a need to control, premature evaluation and judgment, and other negative conversational habits 272 00:34:03,600 --> 00:34:12,320 like interrupting or one-upping. Good conversation is, firstly, about the degree of concordance, 273 00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:19,280 harmony, and synchronicity between you and the person you're talking to, i.e. rapport. 274 00:34:20,560 --> 00:34:26,480 We can increase rapport by mirroring and matching both non-verbal and verbal expression. 275 00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:30,720 This can be done with internal and external cues, 276 00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:37,360 voice and language, content, and chunking style, i.e. up or down. 277 00:34:39,120 --> 00:34:44,880 When reading someone's body language, pay attention to micro expressions, their overall 278 00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:50,080 posture and orientation in space, as well as their degree of eye contact. 279 00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:58,800 Power linguistics refers to information carried in the tone, pace, pitch, etc. of the voice. 280 00:35:01,040 --> 00:35:08,400 Think in terms of overall openness or closeness, but remember that no single detail is decisive 281 00:35:08,400 --> 00:35:14,080 and conclusive, and that observations should always be compared against a baseline. 282 00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:28,320 And that's it for this episode of Social Skills Coaching. Remember, deciphering 283 00:35:28,320 --> 00:35:34,400 non-verbal cues and mirroring expressions can dramatically improve your conversations. 284 00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:38,480 For more tips and tricks on becoming a social master, 285 00:35:39,280 --> 00:35:47,200 visit Patrick King Consulting at bit.ly slash pkconsulting. Until next time, stay tuned 286 00:35:47,200 --> 00:35:58,160 for more tools to elevate your social skills.