Another question I received

on social media has been,

how do I deal with my partner

who's got a lot of anger?

And it's something that it's,

if it's specific to you and it's not,

you don't see this anger

towards a lot of other people,

I would stop and I would actually learn

what I call the Demartini Method and

find out go to the moment where and

when their anger and look at what

they're actually displaying

and demonstrating.

Find out where you're doing that in

your own life, in your own format.

Because we typically only judge other

people that represent parts of us we're

not really embracing fully and find

out where we're doing the same thing.

You know, I think it was Romans two,

that whatever you judge in others,

you do the same thing first. Look

at yourself before you judge them.

Then find out and see what they're

angry about, is there a pattern?

Are there certain things you do that

they're pleased with that's letting you

know what their values are and some things

that are displeasing and letting you

know what their values

are, and take a look,

because maybe the way you're

communicating to them is challenging

their values,

and you could articulate things maybe in

a different manner and get a different

response. No one's an angry

person. They're a human being.

And if they perceive that

their values are challenged,

they can be mean as a tiger.

If their values are supported,

they can be nice as a pussycat.

There's times when this

person's got the other side.

Find out what it is and how you're

interacting with them or how people are

interacting with them when

they are in that side.

And then when they're on the angry side,

they obviously have expectations for

you or them to live in a certain value

system. And when you're challenging

that, they're going to be angry.

They're unmet expectations. That's what

usually leads to anger and aggression.

So find out what you're doing. Also,

find out if you're puffed up and

cocky when they're angry. If they are,

they're humbling you and they're

bringing you back down into equilibrium.

Somehow if you're cocky and

challenged in their values,

they're going to be angry and

aggressive and bring you down.

Relationships are going to have both

sides. Support, challenge, you know,

please and displease, that's part of

life. Peace and war. Hugs and slugs,

as we call it.

To expect a one-sided relationship

is a bit unrealistic and fantasy.

So find out where you've

done the same thing.

Humble yourself before you judge them.

Find out what you're doing that's

challenging their values. Ask them.

I'm seeing that you've been quite angry

with me and I'm just wondering what

specifically so I'm not guessing.

I really, because we're adults,

we can talk as human beings. Talk to me,

what am I doing specifically

that's creating these responses?

And are those actions reasonable

on my part or are the expectations

unreasonable on yours? If it's something

that I'm doing that's unreasonable,

it's good feedback for me.

If it's something that's unreasonable on

your expectations and you're expecting

me to do something I can't do, if you

expect me to live outside my values,

I'm going to let you down and you're

going to feel betrayed constantly.

And that's an issue of

you having realistic expectations on

others not to live in your values,

but in my values and to give me reasons

to want to communicate and do things in

your values, where we both win

out of it. At the same time,

if you have reasonable expectations

and I just have behaviors and I'm not

learning an art, then give me

feedback, and that's what I'm doing.

So give me feedback what I'm doing

that's causing such anger in you.

If I see that you're angry at

myself and 10 other people,

I'm going to point out that

it's noticeable that you're

reacting with anger to a

lot of people. What is going on

inside you? What's happening?

What's the expectations aren't being met?

And dialogue and communicate and

open up about it and find out.

Don't make them wrong necessarily. Make

them aware. They'll appreciate that.

The feedback is to their advantage.

Making them wrong and you're right,

is not going to get you

anywhere, just but retaliation.

You're going to get more

anger. If you get cocky,

they're going to bring you down.

If you get level and you just care for

somebody and you're trying to communicate

with them and you're giving them feedback

and you're asking and accepting half

the responsibilities,

and then the other half,

you're probably going to get somewhere,

you're probably going to get some sort

of closer to an understanding of what it

takes to be able to transcend

this perception of anger.

If you have a fantasy yourself that

life's supposed to be peaceful and never

warful, and kind and never cruel,

and positive, never negative,

well it's time for you to grow up and

mature because I don't know of any

relationship that doesn't

have both of those sides.

And any relationship at work,

with kids, with family members,

welcome to the balance of opposites.

That's what love really is.

It's a synthesis of opposites. So

calm down your expectation yourself.

Make sure you own the trait.

Make sure you're not judging

something that's really about you,

then you're just blind to it.

Find out what they're upset about,

find out if it's something

you're doing that's reasonable,

that they're expecting it reasonably,

and you can do something about it.

And maybe you can practice the art of

communicating and caring about them.

Find out what it is that they have.

If it's unrealistic expectations on

their part, make them get feedback.

Give them feedback. Let them know they've

got an, that's not going to happen.

And you keep getting angry at people,

because you keep expecting

people to do something that's,

they're not going to live

in your values all the time.

They're going to live in their

values. And give them feedback.

Having an open dialogue like that is a

mature way of managing this and working

towards the solution. Be

solution oriented, not blaming,

labeling and problem oriented only.

And make sure you look at yourself and

take on half the responsibility if it's

truly partly yours.