​Welcome to the Mother-Daughter Relationship. Show the podcast for mothers and daughters who want to build stronger bonds, deepen their understanding and transform their relationships. I'm your host, Brittany Scott, licensed therapist and mother-daughter relationship coach. After years of working with hundreds of daughters. And mothers. I've developed strategies that help break generational patterns, heal wounds, and create the loving relationships you've always wanted. Each week I'll be sharing insights from real clients, expert interviews and practical tools you can use immediately to improve your mother-daughter dynamic. Whether you're struggling with communication breakdowns, navigating major life transitions, or simply wanna take your already good relationship to the next level. The show is for you. And yes, the transformation I guide my clients through can be yours too. I'll share more about how you can work with me. It's time to experience the relationship you both deserve. Are you ready? Let's dive in. welcome back to the show. How do you give what you never received? How do you mother from, how do you mother from a place of love when your template for mothering was broken or even non-existent and. How do you break generational patterns when you don't have a roadmap for what healthy looks like? If you're a mother with a mother wound, You are facing one of the most challenging and courageous task imaginable. Learning to parent consciously when the parenting you received was very unconscious, learning to respond instead of react. Learning to give your children what you desperately needed but never got. Today we're talking about conscious mothering after mother wounds, exploring how to use your pain as a compass for healing. How to create secure attachment when you didn't experience it, and how to trust yourself to break cycles that have been repeating in your family for generations. This isn't just about being a better mother, though, of course you will be. It's about healing your own mother wound through the act of mothering differently, giving your inner child what she needed by giving your children what they need and changing your family line forever. Let's start with the fear that keeps so many wounded mothers awake at night. What if I become like her? What if I damage my children the way I was damaged? What if I don't know what to do? This fear is understandable, but mothers who are likely to repeat harmful patterns, don't worry about repeating them. They don't question their parenting or seek out podcasts about healing. Your fear is actually proof that you're already different. That you're already going to do something different and that you can, your mother parented unconsciously. She operated from her unhealed wounds, her unmet needs, her unprocessed trauma. She reacted instead of responding. she repeated patterns without examining them. You are parenting consciously. You're aware of your triggers, you're examining your responses. You're seeking healing and growth. You're making intentional choices about how you want to show up for your children. This consciousness is the difference between continuing cycles and breaking them. You may be hypervigilant about your own parenting. You might find yourself constantly analyzing every interaction with your children. Was that too harsh? Am I being too permissive? Did I handle that the way my mother would have? This hyper vigilance is exhausting, but it's also normal for someone who's working a parent differently. Over time, as you build confidence in your choices and see your children thriving, your hypervigilance will soften. You'll learn to trust yourself and your instincts. You might be overcorrecting with perfectionism. Sometimes the fear of re-parenting patterns leads to perfectionism. You put pressure on yourself to never make mistakes, never lose your temper, never do anything that could possibly harm your children. But perfectionism isn't the goal. Conscious parenting is conscious. Parenting is about how you respond and show up. it's not about perfectly behaved children. It's about mothering in a way that doesn't shame children and their big emotions or mistakes. It includes making mistakes, repairing when you mess up And modeling what it looks like to be human and imperfect while still being loving and responsible. Your children don't need you to be perfect. They need you to be real, to be present, and to be committed to growth and repair. When things go wrong, they need you to work on your triggers and not take it out on them. Okay, so if you never learned healthy attachment, then how? How do you do that? How do you create that? You know, if you didn't experience a secure attachment with your mother, you might feel lost about how to create it with your children. You can learn secure attachment even if you have a different attachment style with your parents or another relationships. Secure attachment is about being emotionally available and responsive to your children. It's about validating their feelings instead of dismissing them. It's about being consistent in your love, even when their behavior is challenging. Creating safety for them to express all of their emotions, anger, sadness, fear, joy, frustration, disgust. They don't have to perform their love for you or hide parts of themselves to keep your approval secure. Attachment also includes repair when you make mistakes, because of course you will. You acknowledge them, you apologize genuinely, and you actually do better next time you show your children that relationships can handle conflict. And that love doesn't disappear when things get difficult. Just because you didn't experience secure attachment doesn't mean you can't provide it. Read about child development. Learn about emotional regulation. Study healthy communication patterns. Watch families who do this well. Notice how they interact. How do they handle conflict? How do they celebrate? Together you can learn new patterns by observing and practicing them work on your own emotional regulation. Children feel safest with adults who can manage their own emotions. The more you heal your own mother wound, the more emotionally available you become for your children. The more that you manage and stay in control of your emotions, the more that they can bring their bigger emotions to you. That is security. One of the best ways to heal your own mother wound is to give your children what you needed, but making sure that you focus on also. What they need. You can't want to give them everything you needed and completely miss what they're needing from you, but knowing that you can heal parts of yourself by giving them the things that you missed can be so empowering for you as a mom when you comfort your crying child, instead of telling them to stop crying, for example, you're healing the part of you that needed comfort. When you celebrate your child's achievements, you're giving your inner child's celebration that she craved. Like these are small examples of how when you give your children what you missed, you can start to heal yourself. Don't view this as living vicariously through your children or using them to heal your wounds. It's about choosing love over fear, connection over control, and your presence over perfection. It's about choosing to be with them in the moment in every moment, and not running, not shying away, not pushing them away, not telling them, you know, they're bad or insert whatever word you want or maybe also insert whatever word that you heard growing up that their existence, their pure existence, just being human is enough for you. And whatever they bring to you, you can handle. It's about being steady and not wavering because you get scared. Okay. Let's shift gears for a bit. Part of conscious mothering is examining the messages that were passed down to you and choosing which ones to keep and which ones to release. So a few examples you won't tell your children they're too sensitive or too much. You won't dismiss their feelings or tell them to get over it when they're struggling. You won't use shame as a parenting tool. You won't withdraw love when they're disappointed or make a mistake. You won't make them responsible for managing your emotions. You won't compete with your children or feel threatened by their success, their youth, or their opportunities. You'll celebrate their wins genuinely and support their dreams wholeheartedly. And you won't teach them that. Their worth is conditional on their performance, their achievements, or their ability to make you happy. They will know they're loved simply for existing. Here are some new messages you'll give them. You'll teach them that feelings are normal and. You'll help them learn to process emotions in healthy ways. Instead of suppressing or acting them out, You'll teach them that mistakes are part of learning, not evidence of failure. You'll show them that love is consistent, even when behavior needs correction. You'll encourage their individuality instead of trying to mold them into who you think they should be, you'll celebrate their unique gifts And support their authentic self-expression. You'll teach them about healthy boundaries, how to set them, how to respect others. You'll model what it looks like to take care of yourself, so they learn that self-care isn't selfish at all. There will be times when your children's behavior triggers your own childhood wounds. Of course, it's going to happen. Triggers are direct memories from the past to a current experience today. It's a reminder to your brain that, oh wait, I've seen this before, or I've experienced this before. And it brings up the same emotions from the past into the experience today. Even if it's not justified, triggers are not just getting emotional. It's not like, oh, I feel sad I'm triggered. That's missing the whole point of triggering something when they're loud and you are taught to be quiet. When they're emotional and you were taught to suppress feelings when they need attention, and you were taught that attention seeking was annoying. These are things that can trigger memories from the past, and your brain is immediately going to flood with what you know from the past. And so you're gonna have to pause when you get triggered. Take a break. Maybe put your hand on your chest. Do something that's gonna take care of yourself in that moment. You don't have to necessarily leave the room. If your child is right in front of you and you recognize the trigger came up, put your hand on your chest. Take a slow, deep breath. Hey, give mommy a second. You don't have to rush through it. Going slow and reminding yourself that you are choosing different for them will calm your nervous system and then respond to your child. Remember that their behavior is age appropriate. Even if it wasn't allowed in your childhood, their needs are valid. Even if yours were never met, you can acknowledge your trigger without making it their responsibility. Mommy needs a minute to calm down and then I'll help you with this. Mommy needs a minute. There's a lot of thoughts in her brain right now and she's trying to fix them or you know, whatever words come to you, but mommy just needs a second. This teaches them that adults are responsible for managing their own emotions and that adults also have emotions, and that you're gonna need a break and it'll teach them to take a break when they also need one. You are modeling the behaviors that you want your child to exude when they become adults. So knowing that this work can be difficult, that triggers are going to come up and. You know that you're gonna have to navigate your way through this. When do you seek support if you need it? Conscious parenting is not work you have to do alone. There are times when seeking support is necessary, so you need to be able to recognize when you do need help. If you find yourself consistently reacting from your wounds instead of responding from consciousness or a conscious choice in that moment, it might be time for support If you are repeating patterns, you swore you'd never. If you're feeling overwhelmed by triggers, if you're struggling to regulate your own emotions or just your own reaction, so your body gets tense and you're physically reacting, these may all be signs that you might need some additional help with this. If your children are showing signs of stress or anxiety that seem connected to family dynamics, if you're having trouble connecting with them and feeling emotionally available, professional support can be valuable for you and for them. There are many types of support, like individual therapy, parenting classes, or support groups, books, podcasts like mine and online resources. My work with mothers individually provides this kind of support as well. With me, you get a licensed therapist. And a coach to help you navigate this exact challenge. How to parent consciously when you didn't have a healthy model. Sometimes having personalized guidance makes this work feel less overwhelming and more sustainable. When you're working with me, you get all of my expertise in mother wounds and mother daughter relationships and how daughters attach to their mothers, which can also be how children attach to their parents. But you get my years of experience with that. You don't have to do this alone. You can seek out help and support so that way you can be the mother that you desire to be no matter how you were mothered when you were a child. And the other way to get support in this is to build your village. Surround yourself with people who support your parenting efforts. Find friends who are also committed to breaking generational patterns. Connect with other mothers who understand the challenge of parenting when you weren't properly parented. Your children benefit when you have support. They need to see you taking care of yourself, seeking help when you need it, and prioritizing your own growth and healing. And they need to see you surrounded by the kind of people that light you up that. Pull you up when you've maybe hit the bottom that take you out of that cycle of spiraling and maybe being afraid and not knowing what to do next, but also areas where they get to see you, genuinely laugh out loud with friends, and also provide support to other people. So building a village is so, so necessary for everybody within that family system, not just for you. So here's one of the most beautiful aspects of conscious mothering. The act of giving your children what you needed, heals your inner child too. Every time you respond to your child with patience instead of irritation showing your inner child what patience looks like. Every time you comfort instead of dismiss, you're healing the part of you that needed comfort. When you choose differently, you're not just changing your children's experience. You're changing your family line. You're stopping patterns that might have been repeating for generations. You're ensuring that your children will have a different template for love, for relationships, for parenting, for friendships, for coworking relationships, like throw in every human interaction. You are changing that, and you're not just changing that for your children because your children are getting something different. If you have grandchildren, you've completely changed the line for everybody that comes after you. Your choices create a ripple effect that extend far beyond your immediate family. Your children will know how to love differently because the love you're giving them now, their friendships will be better. They'll be kinder to others. They will struggle less in relationships because of the relationship they have with you. Don't forget to take time to acknowledge how far you've come. Notice the ways you're already differing from your own mother. Celebrate the moments when you handle something well, when you stay present instead of reactive. When you give your children not only what you needed, but what you recognize, what they need for themselves. If you're here listening to this podcast, I already imagine you're doing this work, so please take the time to celebrate yourself. You're not just breaking cycles, you're creating new ones. Your children will know what healthy love feels like because of the work that you are doing, because you are showing and emulating healthy love for them. You don't have to be perfect to be a good mother. There are no perfect mothers. Drop the word perfect in mothering. It just doesn't exist. You don't have to have all the answers or never make a mistake. Great mothers acknowledge, repair, and do better. What you need is love for your children and awareness of your patterns. And you now have both of those things. I think I've said this before in another episode, but I'm gonna say it again because it's my truth. One thing that I plan on doing for my daughter is paying the therapy bill. I have zero expectations that I won't miss up. I actually have a lot of expectations that I will, somewhere along the way, I'm going to get something wrong. I know I will. But I'm already acknowledging that. So it will be easier for me to acknowledge it for her later and say, yep, you know, I didn't see that. I didn't recognize that. I didn't know that that would hurt you. And I am so sorry. But if, if she ever seeks out therapy. I am just, I'm like, I don't need to join you. If you don't want me to join you, I don't need to know what you're talking about. You don't have to share any of that with me. But I would like the bill just put my credit card down for the payments. I'm going to cover all of that. You're not gonna have to pay for your own healing, I don't expect that I'm gonna be a perfect mother and you won't either. But great mothers acknowledge they repair. And then they do better the next time. If you can do that, you will remain in relationship with your children when they become adults. One thing that I have, if you have not done this or are unaware, is a free Heal Your Inner Child Challenge. It is an email challenge, so everything just drops into your email. There is not, you know, a lot of downloads or things you need to download and print or extra steps. All of the steps and things that you need to do are right in your email and you just have to read it from your phone, maybe grab a journal, do the exercises, but it's free. And it's all about what we just talked about today, about healing your own inner child, so that way you can be a better mother and be the mother that you desire to be. Um, I'm gonna leave the link for that free course. Well challenge. It's very, it's many, it's like seven days. I'm gonna leave the link for that in the show notes. So if you are interested, you should join. Like I said, it's super simple. It goes right to your email. It's not a lot of videos or extra things you have to do, it's just. Read the email, follow the instructions. I'm gonna guide you over seven days in how to heal your inner child, But as we end this episode today, I want to remind you the fact that you're worrying about being a good mother shows that you already are one. The fact that you're seeking healing, that you're committed to doing better than what was done to you. That's love and action. Like that's loving your children out loud. Your children are fortunate to have a mother who cares enough to do this though. Grow up knowing what healthy love feels like because you chose to heal your wounds instead of passing them down. Celebrate that tonight in some way. Acknowledge the conscious choice you made to do better. If you find yourself struggling with this balance of healing your own wounds, while parenting consciously remember that support is available, you do not have to figure this out alone. Thank you for being here today and for listening to another episode. I really appreciate that you are listening and that my voice does something for you, gives you a new tool, gives you an aha moment, or provides some healing or, as I've gotten a lot of feedback on, my voice is just calming and soothing. So if what I do is just calm your nervous system because my voice is calm. I'm happy that I get to provide that for you, so thanks for being here, and I will catch you on the next one. That's all for today's episode of the Mother-Daughter Relationship Show. Thanks so much for spending this time with me. I hope you picked up some valuable insights that you can start using right away in your own relationship to create deeper connection and understanding. If something from today's episode resonated with you, don't keep it to yourself. Share it with the mother or daughter in your life who needs to hear this message. And while you're at it, please consider leaving a rating. And review so we can reach more families and transform the way mothers and daughters relate to each other. For those ready to take the next step, you can visit my website to learn more about my private coaching programs and my program designed specifically for mother-daughter pairs. Whether you're dealing with communication challenges, life transitions, or just wanna strengthen an already good relationship, I'm here to help. Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you in the next one.