Welcome to Love Notes from Rhonda.

And today I want to talk about needs.

You know, we're in the middle of the holiday season.

We're leaving Hanukkah and Christmas and Quanzai moving into the new year.

And one of the things that I would love you to say yes to now and for the next year is becoming an expert at your needs.

Usually it is our need, an unfulfilled need that triggers us.

A need to be seen, a need to be appreciated, a need to feel loved, a need for meaningful work, right?

Our needs.

Need for safety, financial security, a need for belonging, a need for connection.

We have needs.

And so many times it's our unfulfilled need that was created consciously or unconsciously, right?

We may be able to identify why we have that need.

Maybe it's because you were abandoned by your mother or you were rejected by your boyfriend, or your teachers in school ridiculed you, or you were bullied, right?

You can maybe point to some things in your life that you can go, oh, I see why I have a big giant hole when it comes to this need.

And others you're not going to identify at all.

Because remember, our body and brain fear has been handed down for many of us through our DNA.

So we don't have a particular instant, a particular event, something that happened that we can remember to point to, to say, okay, I understand why I have this need and many needs, all of our needs, actually, many of our needs and all of our needs as human beings, we all have the same needs.

I have a need for safety.

You have a need for safety.

I have a need to be appreciated.

You have a need to be appreciated.

I have a need for connection.

You have a need for connection.

And some of us growing up had those needs met more easily.

So we don't have the gaping wound, gaping hole for that need to be fulfilled more and more and more by other people and wanting other people to fill it and maybe not taking responsibility to fill it ourselves.

So one of the things, one of the ways you get really, really good at starting to identify your trigger to start shifting yourself from your will of freedom, your will of fear, to your will of freedom is identifying your needs.

So think about what does that need for appreciation, that need for safety, that need for belonging.

Think about some instances in your life over the last three months, six months, nine months, even the past year where that need was unfulfilled and where it is, where it was fulfilled.

I want you to know what it feels like, right?

What it really feels like to have that need of connection filled and how it feels to not be filled.

Now, here's the rub.

Here's the difficult part, is that need for connection may be attempting to be filled, but your wheel of fear is saying, no, no, no, no, no.

That's not the right kind.

That's not the perfect kind.

I want a different kind.

Right.

Wheel of fear actually rejects, dismisses, excludes when a need is attempting to be fulfilled.

And this is how our wheel of fear keeps us trapped.

So one of the ways that we can counter that is by, as a proactive behavior, identifying our needs.

When you can identify your need and you know that trickster fear is saying, no, no, no, that's not good enough.

You can be like, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Is this person, am I in this moment attempting to have my need of connection fulfilled?

Yeah.

Are they connecting with me?

Are they saying, you know, talking to me?

Are they?

Yes, they are.

So they.

Are they in their own way supporting that need for connection?

Yes.

And am I sharing and connecting and being vulnerable and communicating?

Yes.

So am I attempting to fulfill my need for connection?

Yes.

Yes, I am, actually.

Yes.

Now, maybe you don't feel it because your gaping wound is really deep and your wheel of fear is judging it and saying it's not good enough and it's not from who you want it from.

See how fear tricks us?

You're actually attempting to get your need met.

The other person is attempting to support you with that need getting met, and the wheel of fear denies it.

This is where we must become smarter.

This must become more aware.

This is where we say, wait a minute.

I know I may not feel that the connection is that need is met.

But I know intellectually I can see what's happening and I can see that this person is attempting to connect with me.

And I see that I'm attempting to connect with them.

And I may not feel it because the hole is so deep.

And my wheel of fear is trying to tell me that this type of connection isn't good enough, isn't the right kind.

And you can say to fear, no, thank you, fear.

No, thank you, fear.

This is a great first step.

This is a great first step.

Being grateful, acknowledging, owning, claiming, honoring the attempts, the efforts, the trying.

Instead of holding people in you to unrealistic expectations and letting fear win again and again and again and again.

You have needs, I have needs.

We're human beings.

We have needs.

And the more that you can claim them, the more that you can see them, the more you're willing to admit you have them and that when you're triggered, a need is being activated because there is a hole there.

Because the wheel of fear is saying something about that need.

The more you can move through it, heal it, love it, and get it filled up and get that wound healed, loved, cared for, soothed, nurtured, loved.

If you need more support, understanding needs, the book Peaceful Living all about needs.

There are so many resources out there in the world about needs.

I invite you to make it a commitment for yourself for the next year that you are going to become an expert at needs.

Because when you do, you're taking your power back, you're taking your life back, and you're admitting your gaping wounds and healing them.

What a beautiful gift you're giving yourself fearlessly.

Until next time, be fearless.

And I do love you.

Sam.