So, this week we talk about me returning to work. So, that's both the most scary, exciting, guilt ridden, who knows, listen to find out. And we're going to see, is Dan going to keep up with the cleaning? Who knows.

Welcome to Blabbering, a week by week glimpse into a couple stumbling through life with a newborn. I'm Tilly. And I'm Dan. Each week over dinner, you'll learn Tilly is quite the feeder. We'll discuss the realities of raising our baby, talking through the highs, lows and honest confessions of this thing called parenting. Parenting won't be easy, but let's at least laugh about it. This is Blabbering. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Alright, so episode 24,

Yes,

first leak as sole

my first week back at work. Yeah, I haven't been here the whole week.

it was, I don't know, 4.

Yeah, my first week back at work. I guess what was quite nice is that because of bank holiday, it was only a four day week.

Yeah,

It's quite nice easing yourself into it.

yeah, it was quite a good way

I mean, ideally you'd sort of really gradually do it like a day, two days, three days, four days, five days, but you know. We could have manufactured that with Holliday,

I mean we did have

but

designs of doing almost like a practice day on my holiday, but then I was cleaning a bit longer. Spring clean.

Yeah, I think you did quite well. You did a bit of faffiness. On like your phone and stuff.

I really wasn't on my phone at all.

But, you were very good.

I was on my phone LITTLE. I mean, if I was to compare bone time between weeks, I was on my phone SO LITTLE last week. it does help, guys, that Pokemon absolutely destroyed the app by releasing a whole load of new cards that invalidate the previous set of cards, so all my decks were made with the previous set of cards that have now been made ILLEGAL. And I can't be bothered to go back and change all my

And I'm really sad about it.

just faking being sad. Because can't be a Pokemon genius like in, I think it was episode 5, Flabby Wabby Pond. That was the old Pokemon name.

I think it'll be a great one. I can create you a new one if you want. I'll create you a new pokemon. I can.

how it works. You don't just choose to create your

I can. Why not? Who says? Who says? I'll make you little cards and when you and Chris play I'll draw you little cards.

Pokemon, but that's

It's basically top trumps.

app works.

It's just jacked up top trumps isn't it? Let's be honest. It is. It is. It is. It's jacked up top trumps. I can draw you little pokemon top trumps cards.

there's damage and attack points. Trumps is just one versus one, winner takes all, fine, whatever, move on. This isn't what people want to

Maybe there is. Maybe we've got some real avid Pokemon lovers who watch this just for the occasional little tidbit of Pokemon.

doubt it, given that it's only come up twice.

We could have a little weekly bit of Pokemon if you want.

And so, this week we don't have any food because we've already eaten breakfast. Been on dog walk,

Yeah.

We're probably not going to do it with food that much anymore really. Oh

Because now where we are Yeah.

top. We don't really do it at the dinner table like we used to.

Now Baby Girl's weaning when we tend to have food. And obviously it's not very conducive to us. So that's the big thing this week, we've started weaning. So on Easter Sunday we went to my mum's for a nice roast, an Easter egg hunt with a couple of my sisters, and their daughters, and my mum, Pops, and Yeah, Bubba had her first food, which was carrots and broccoli. We're going down the route of sort of baby led weaning, where it's in large pieces that she can feed herself, purees. Nothing against purees, I just feel like personally, I wouldn't want to eat pureed broccoli or carrots, it doesn't sound particularly appealing, so why would baby like that?

Or as we found out yesterday, she

Well, yeah, I mean like, you know, but the first sort of

like, you can't

bit, like really up to a year, of course, they will start eating more and more over that period, but actually, It's, it's not necessary, so much they still get all the food nutrients they need from milk, other than like a bit of iron. Which kind of takes the pressure off, which means you can be very relaxed about it, they can just learn how to eat and enjoy it, and make it really enjoyable for it to not put the pressure on. Which I think could only be a good thing. Yeah.

a lot. So she was just it about, rubbing her face with it,

Yeah, she likes it.

She wouldn't eat it. She wouldn't,

She ate a little bit,

not the brush side. She only ate, like, the stem

but No, she ate the brush side of like regular broccoli.

It wasn't as cooked as

There we go.

regular broccoli. I think it's a very different

No.

it's back, uh. It's very different, isn't it? But she absolutely attacked

Yeah, so we'll just keep trying. I think today we're gonna might go for sweet potato.

green beans and needed them, I think, for the second, that's her second meaning. Oh,

Yeah, they're quite good. They're quite easy handheld stuff, isn't it? So we're doing lots of batons of things like sticks, carrot and stuff and avocado. She was a nat keenan.

Right. Yeah.

weird texture. Tomatoes she liked but she couldn't quite grasp doing them herself so we told her to hold them and then she would eat them.

clean up

so far it's going well, like I said, we're not putting the pressure on. She still has a little taste of our fruit as well, like if I'm having an apple I'll bite a chunk off and she'll sort of suck on a bit and same as like a bit of banana whatever won't she. Yeah But we're trying to keep it predominantly vegetables for now Because obviously she already likes sweet stuff because breast milk is sweet And we want to make sure she gets a good palate I mean it is, you don't want her to have sweet teeth particularly Do you want her to have like a well rounded palate? Because she already likes sweet so We need to get her to taste like things like bitter and sour and Well she won't have any marmalade for a while because she's not really allowed salt So that's going to have to come later But people tend to like Salty stuff. But no, it's been quite fun, isn't it, this week? Fatty's enjoying it, because he gets lots of like, scraps afterwards. Yeah, our trick is making sure he waits until she's finished. Yeah. So, you know, it's training for everyone.

been doing that for

but no, it's been enjoying that. But the big thing has been the sort of changeover of working to parenting, hasn't it, really? You know, since Tuesday I've been back in work, and You've been main caregiver.

and attempted

main house, it seems like I don't think you've been bad. The thing is,

haven't done that great of a job. Yeah,

That will very quickly disappear if you don't keep up with it. Yeah, it's really hard to do stuff. You just do it

Like, even just doing stuff like the dishwasher and stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah, I know,

in stages. Do you know what I mean?

be able

Yeah. You just do little bits at a time. Like, you have to let go of being able to do long stretches of things.

do is be like, ah, nice.

Mm, mm, mm. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

Relax, chill out, get on my phone. And it's like, no, the dishwasher needs to

Exactly.

No, I'm pretty poor at cleaning. I hate

But that's fine, it's your first week off, so like,

shirt wasn't worn by me,

you know,

worn by

just generally you're not very good at cleaning. My, my, my beef with Dan is that he just doesn't put things away or clean them up as he goes along. Like say he like takes off a t shirt and just gets left on the side, and not to be picked up later, but it'll just be left on the side until I pick it up. Yeah, that t shirt was on the wall. No, I know. And I didn't mean to pick it up.

I did mean to take it off, and I'm sorry, that wasn't meant to go in the wash. I put it there because I meant to throw it up the stairs.

Equally packets will be left, so he'll be like, I'm done with that cereal packet so I'll just leave it on the side. I won't put it in the recycling, I'll just leave it on the side.

on the floor.

I know it's cause you don't see it, but it is frustrating.

I can imagine, yeah.

I hope was it a while ago we watched You should do what the police do, Oh, he's aware. You put your own picture of Philly aware. I'm like,

aware. Just get your own stickers that say Tilly Aware, and I'll be like,

oh, that is great, yeah, there's a picture of Philly Yeah,

Tilly Aware, and I'll

I'll do it if that's gonna work, I'll do it. even more passive version of Facebook. I'll get I'll get

post it notes.

aggressive, I'll bypass passive.

passive.

And my favorite thing is when I put things on the stairs to go up and you just go, Can you just, it's really in the way on the stairs. I'm like, that's so you take it up with you. No, I know, but love, you go up the stairs you never take stuff up. I do. If I've not got Bubby You take stuff up at age, even when you're doing things. I do take stuff up. You can't change every time. If I've not got Bubby, I take stuff up. You can't ever.

you can't claim that that's my fault, because like, it's for both of us to potentially take it up. And stuff will be

Because most of the time, I've had Bubby nearly every time I go up the stairs. I don't tend to go upstairs around her much during the day. I'm downstairs, and I'm gonna go up, and she's coming with me to bed.

Before. Even before

No.

Fine. Okay. I

My thing with Dan will You don't visibly sue.

seen evidence, however, been upstairs times.

This is our classic thing. Unless I'm perfect, Dan sees, and it's because he doesn't have to do anything. But it's I think that is my biggest Pet peeve. Pisses me off. Like, I will clean everything, like I'll keep it clean, but as soon as I leave one thing, Dan's like, it's free reign, I can just do whatever the fuck I want.

nothing. Alright, I

So I have to be perfect for you to be absolutely basic. Yeah,

but I

but you've got to take that. No, it's not. It's not, it's not extreme.

main point there.

hadn't raised you right, you ain't doing the cleaning.

good at keeping the house

You can see I'm getting frustrated, this is.

Is that

Otherwise you're a very good husband, but that stuff annoys me. No, no you're not. Is that what you, that's what it was? like I say, Monday the 24th, Sunday the Tuesday you were here. Yes, she was in the office, she was in the office. Um, Wednesday, yeah, you were in the office. She was actually in the office. Yeah, and so now I'm like a member of the programs.

because you, like she was basically on you sleeping most of the time. yeah, you're in the office. She was actually really good Wednesday. We went out for quite a lot of the day. I tend to just do an awful lot of walking when I've got out. Yeah, it's now like minimum 15, 000, often 20 plus just because, like, yesterday I just decide to walk into town to get, you know, so now I'm a member of the Reading Borough Council Libraries. But instead of going to my library that's 10 15 minutes away, I decided to walk all the way into Central Reading Library to sign up. So that was like a two and a half hour round trip I think. It was

Has he got computers, like really shitty old computers. What's that, Yeah.

and get her to get her really tired, and then she won't get tired, so I'll be like, Oh, I'll keep walking. The next day I know I've like walked for two and a half hours and she's ended up sleeping really Uncomfortable, like half, half an hour of that. Get back, and then she wakes up, and I'm like, Fuck! I wasted the sleep time, because I keep trying to get it right. So I stimulate her on the walk, come back, she's exhausted and she falls asleep, that's the aim of the game. And that way you, because, I don't want, I don't want her to be sleeping when I'm somewhere that I don't want to be, if that makes sense. The aim is for her to be sleeping somewhere you want to be, and that way you don't really have to care about her as much, you don't have to give her as much like, sleeps. And so it's always trying to get that balance right, how long maximum time that I can have her out front facing to stimulate her. But it turns out I've also ruined her routine. so I need to build in a new routine for her. So I've got to work out what I think that's going to be. I'm thinking we do the morning walk and everything. She has her sleep, because that's kind of quite normal currently. then try and keep her awake to about, sort of, I don't know if after or before lunch, and then go for a walk to tire her out, and then she can have a siesta, because I don't want her to have such nap in the afternoon. I think we should try and remove

I'll see you in a minute.

that as much as possible so she's as tired as possible before bed, because if

Yeah.

she's having like an hour long nap at four and then going to bed at like seven,

Maybe just, yeah, maybe if we force her having, like, one early doors, like, like you said after the walk or whatever, and then one around, like, early afternoon, midday. So yeah, that way she'd have a longer period of time before. So, Steve. We're still learning. We're constantly learning. We're

that's the thing now, gotta, gotta play the sleep game, but still learning about it, still learning, when's the time, but, we've also tried to be sorting out her sleep routine, we

of her sleeping by herself.

started quite well at the week, the last two nights well, Friday and

Yeah, so the idea is that up until now we've sort of all gone to bed together. We've had like a sleep in.

we go up to bed at somewhere between 8 and 9 and come down from bed somewhere between 6 and

Yeah.

that way we have roughly 10 hours know that she's going to disturb our sleep and so we kind of get 8 hours of broken sleep Well, fine, seven hours, whatever, but you get a lot longer than you

Yeah,

But now, we're trying to have her go to bed at seven, and us go up a bit later, and so she kind of falls asleep on her own, and that way we can start actually getting some of our own time back, not always with baby girl on us.

so we sort of have our evenings together. And obviously, like, I think the first night she managed to sleep for an hour, and then she woke up, and so we had to go back up and then re settle her, and, and just sort of stay upstairs at that point. You were. Yep, the cop block stroke again. But,

giving you some smooching and then Waaah, waaah I was like, ugh She's straight

did manage to have some pum pum straight out of the room on Thursday.

when your mum was around

That's gonna be our pum pum day, innit?

Yeah, so that's our second time

Wooo!

been born

Blagomy weekly occurrence. If we can marry once a week, I'm kind of happy with that for the time being.

Yeah, that's true. There's a good book that I need to read by the Gottmans, who are these relationship therapists, who have been for a very long time, and they've got a book called,

shag when your baby's in the room.

understand a thing. No, it's called Now There Are Three, I think,

So basically,

like marriage, or, or it's like, now you have a child, I can't remember what the name is, but it's about, it's about how your relationship changes once they've, what.

now I'm back at work, we're going to start looking into getting a relationship therapist, aren't we? Yeah, a couples therapist.

So there's a few things that we, to watch, because they've got, they've got an interesting program, we've got them as well. They did a they did an interview with Dario, the CEO guy, who's someone that I find quite frustrating, I don't really like him very much. but, let's. I'm not going to lambast somebody on my podcast who's a much better

Probably wise.

podcaster, I just don't, don't like other aspects about him.

Please don't boycott us.

incredible interviewer,

I'm

and, yeah, so. He's done an interesting interview, so you should watch that. Um, and I'll just have to suffer through the fact that it's him. With all his annoying mannerisms. Yeah. Have you found going back to work, yeah? Like, I like, I

sure you can suck it up.

like it a lot. Yeah. I'm To the fact that it's been two

but yeah, so,

not having any

generally I think this week's gone quite well for our first week. We're finding our feet, aren't we, with how it works now. New routine, all that sort of stuff. I've had it quite mixed, yeah. Like, I like getting back into the swing of things. I like being busy and working hard, so I've liked that aspect. Of going back into my work. I think, It was definitely easier once I moved myself upstairs. I'm definitely going to stick to working upstairs. Because I find it much harder to ignore her than you do. So if I'm downstairs with you, and she's upset, I very quickly get distracted a lot easier. Whereas if I'm upstairs, I can sort of cut off with my mic and put my headphones on. And sort of be, like, away from it. So I think I'm just gonna have to stick with going upstairs. It'll give her, maybe her, like, her early morning feed downstairs where she's gonna sleep, hand it to you, then go upstairs. So that works a lot better, for sure. But I found it okay. I think it's been, it's just been sort of getting to the thing of being like, okay, She needs a feed, pop her on while I'm doing stuff. Been a couple times where people have been on meetings and I've been like, Sorry my camera isn't on, I'm just feeding my daughter. You know, people are fine with it.

Yeah.

so that's been good, it's been, it's quite nice having that reassurance that it does work fine. Because this is going to be the next few months, I want to make sure I can do my job well. Because otherwise it's not really fair on my work. but yeah, I guess we'll see. I've been sort of, managed to get a sort of, a morning routine done that I'm quite happy with. So we, you know, we get, our alarm goes off at six. I get up and sort of do a little bit of yoga to sort of stretch out my body which has been nice because anyone who's breathed will know it like absolutely fucks your posture like it makes you so like hunched over and I'm somebody who normally has quite good posture so I'm sort of trying to crank myself back into having a decent posture and just stretch out a little bit and then going for a nice little you know washing my face doing my teeth going for a dog walk cracking on Mother Day. Yeah

so my morning routine was quite good on that first day. But then after that it was a bit shit. And so if you're working from upstairs, You're not playing on her having her first sleep on

No I just told you earlier like when I do that first feed I don't mind if she wants if you want to give you a ride it's fine she can sleep on me.

that's my time, my roughly like 45 minutes to an

Yeah,

Okay.

but you need to be ready to go, like, as soon as she latches on, you're out the door.

Well the problem with that is there are other things that need to be done around the house, like stuff needs to be shared and stuff like that, so those sorts of things end up eating into that

But that can be done really after your stuff, like, if Fatly doesn't get fed till after you've done a run, he's fine.

just there are things, those sorts of things that you're like, Oh, I can do them in seconds without her, or they take minutes with her, kind of thing, and so, you're sort of like, Oh, I don't know how that works, quickly try and do all these things, and you know, all the things that you do kind of add up to being like, ten minutes out of your hour. And that's quite frustrating, obviously, if you've only got, like, an hour to go do all that stuff. Yeah, I think it's quite good all in all. I've got some funny moments that I've forgotten some of

What is the way? Um,

you've effectively gone back early. I've only got like, 30 minutes. Yeah.

no, I think, I don't think I felt any guilty at all that sort of classic mum guilt everyone talks about when you go back to work. I think, yeah, I have gone back early. There are moments like, When I'm doing my work and I sort of see you outside yesterday and I can hear her giggling with you and kind of like, oh, you know, you want to be part of that, but I think that's always going to be the way. So it's not necessarily guilt. It's more just going, obviously, I'd like to be with her.

Yeah, it's not really guilt, it's more like missing. FOMO,

Yeah.

it's

Yeah but I don't think that's ever going to go away. So, suck it up. Get on with it. No,

so, do you have what about on Wednesday then? not have any then, when you went in? Because you went in to, actually went in to work.

I think because I know she's with you, it's a lot easier.

was working twice every day.

Like I said before, I think if I'd gone straight back into work, being on site every day, and her being in like a nursery or childmind or whatever, I would have had a lot more of that. But I know she's with her parent.

but we are looking at nurseries, aren't we, currently?

Yeah, we've seen two so far. Both have been like, Okay, but not blown our minds. No,

I'm always taken back by the

it's terrible.

of the operation,

Mmm,

Like, when people say, I can't believe nurseries cost so much, but I can't get around, but I can.

yeah.

Like, the amount of staff, the amount of stuff that we've got to do. Like, nursery, when I remember it as a kid, was just bundle a load of kids in a room and give them some toys. Nowadays, it seems to be so

Was it? I don't think my nursery was like that.

I

I thought we'd do, we'd do

to nursery in Portugal, so all I remember is getting my fingers stuck in a plug hole. That's probably one of my earliest memories, is And then, and then the nursery teachers to hide it from my mum, and my mum was like Why's he got a red finger? I don't know. Sold it. You know what? No, he's lying. He's lying. My mum wasn't living. I think she switched nurseries after that.

What was it like

that in Portugal, though, is milk in a mandatory siesta. I remember that. Stingy.

We'd have half an apple.

I've

apple, and a little carton of milk. And then one time, the box of like milks came in. and there's a caterpillar on it and we all fucking lost our minds. Oh my god, a caterpillar! It's very exciting. I remember learning about hot and cold, yeah, and lots of dressing up, lots of reading time, like lots of story time, and the tiny tiny bathroom stools, and painting.

sizable operation in

Yeah.

I don't, I don't remember them being as segregated in terms of year groups.

I went to a couple different ones, so I was at Chow Minders to begin with, which I don't really remember because I was too little and then I went to, I guess, Yeah, like a mixed nurse, but it would have had different years, which was called First Steps in Bristol. That was like a really massive open, like, hall, which they'd sort of like partitioned off in areas. But I think that was more of a mixture of ages. But then my actual nursery that was in my school, so like, you know, for the one or two years before reception, you could go to the nursery that was part of the school, that was more of the same age groups as you, you were all sort of like three or four, whatever age you are, in that sort of preschool bit.

because most nurseries are what, about 50 to 75 quid a day, aren't they?

Yeah,

Like, some really high end ones are just a little

I don't think any were 50, I think. Yeah,

some that are about 55 to touching 60. And then to about 70, most of them, the really high end ones are like 75 to 85 ish.

95. I've

Are they? How much is that really?

seen a few that have been 95.

And you can do like whole days and half days. But some of the whole days are a bit of a joke. They're like 8 till 4

No, most of them are like half sevens or half six.

Yeah. So you can really Bang your kids in there for 11 hours and fuck off and live your own life.

But I mean, that is helpful. If you like, if you were someone who had to commute,

and if you're a sole parent.

Yeah.

if we both

Well if we both just had a classic nine to five, we'd have to do that. Probably we could only get rid of doing less probably. 'cause we both, we work slightly different hours. I work earlier. You work slightly like as normal hours. So you could do drop off and I can do pick up at an earlier time, but if we both worked at classic 95 in London

I mean, even, even though we don't, days that I would go into London, I'd still have to drop her off at about half seven,

Yeah,

And then you'd pick

about four,

about four. So yeah, it's just the fact that you finish early. Because you start early. But it is crazy to think that you can drop like 6 months old baby off for 11 hours.

yeah

That's how you get mum guilt.

Yeah, I think I will I think it might be a bit more when we start and put her in child care But I think I all in all first week Not gone badly, and obviously we haven't had my mum here on Thursday. Okay, I told you

I've forgotten my funny.

I know, I've ruined my time. Didn't want to. Yeah, I also.

apprehensive, obviously, with you being in the whole day, and then me having an hour. I wasn't sure how it was going to go. And so, yeah. You know, we did lots of walks, lots of stuff, and she slept a lot, she ate a lot, so it's pretty good otherwise. Low, uh, let's When I didn't realize how hard it is to carry her for like half an hour without, well, it was a bit more like 40 minutes without a sling. You're getting quite heavy now. Yeah, yeah, so my been recovering since then because I also did a run that day so my body was already a bit like, oh wow, we're doing physical exercise again,

I'm done.

a sling was quite a bit of effort. So, my back's still feeling a bit sore, even though it's no, no, Saturday now. Saturday! Oh no, we're gonna, we've gotta watch out, we'll be,

I think we'll do that. I think it's close enough.

Yeah.

We'll get you to sing it, it's fine. Uh,

at Cadence.

And,

bunnies! There was something that had me really laughing on the sofa that she did.

Add it in later, let me remember it.

what was it baby girl? What was

Oh, it was funny this week. I'm just gonna jump in on the funnies. When you were doing Stompy time with her when she did her little bouncy thing and then Fatty was sort of attacking you because she was getting worked up. She was absolutely losing her mind. So clearly she likes it when Fatty attacks Jan.

yeah, I remember my funny. So she wasn't attacking me, I wouldn't, sorry, he wasn't really attacking me, but he's used to kind of, what will happen is, We'll play sort of like almost it, where I'll chase after him and tap him and then run back and he'll chase after me and then just me as a

he was quite confused by lunch, so he just he just comes back to eat his deer and goat, um, and she kind of enjoys it. Well, your boobs. Nice.

your boobs get that reaction. Not that good, I sort of get a reaction, but not like 'aaahhhh' Elation.

Uh,

dogs do.

so my funny actually was, yesterday, So, for

so, for

whatever reason, Batsy Boy had to eat a lot of grass He was chomping at a tree at the end of the day. So his usual food spot was reached. And so he, uh,

currently covered by tree, which I need to try and work out how I get rid of all the cuttings. so he,

I couldn't get hold of the

back there and decided to just eat some random grass. Don't know why that made him eat grass. But

nail he,

then, when we went on our

had on my wallpaper. It had been in strings of glass. I was running

doing that horrible thing that dogs do where they end up having like strings of grass stuck in their ass. Stuck in his ass,

around trying to get it out. And she was laughing about it. I was trying to pull and move and I had to get back. my hand was trying to grab the thing. she was absolutely loving it.

finding it hilarious.

You were in a little version of Scat Chat, wasn't it? Yeah, you were doing

were just laughing away while I was chasing him while he had a little shitty grass tail coming out of his

that. Mum and Pop's also got a good laugh out of it, didn't they? When they were over on Thursday. They'd not really seen a proper laugh before. So they were very happy about that.

So what's your highs and

Um,

You

I don't necessarily have anything massively extreme from this week.

record.

Like, highs or lows, really. No, not really.

That was very hard to do sketch up. Okay,

That's okay. Let's see, are we any fun sketchettes this week?

do your noise.

Skiddly a pa pa! Sketchette!

sketch up from the

We did! Have fun. Because she's starting to wean, we had our first foodie poo. So we had a poo full of broccoli bits. Was That broccoli bits?

bits? Or was

Well, we had two. The broccoli bits one like, after Sunday. And then we had one yesterday that was just like, we couldn't We had one yesterday. So we had like little dark slimy bits in It yeah, it was like a boiled spinach. Yeah, but she's not had spinach yet.

And we wouldn't give her such a horrible texture anyway.

okay with text, so she can't be like, yeah.

It's slimy.

That's fine, saliva textures are fine, it's part of food. Some foods are slimy, there's a pleasure in that.

As we find out, she should go to China for those. The Chinese very much like

Oh.

different mouthfeels, including things that we Westerners

Oh.

dislike, like slimy, gristly.

I think she's about to do a poo, so let's, let's speed up. Yeah. Are you gonna poo for us? poo poo poo poo poo poo. Any poof, any poof stories? no, I

just, you know, cleaned them up

The science lab. I'm a scientist, and on the day I had to check on my two year old Of course, that's the time It

three. Number three. I don't know.

went all over him and all the way down into his boots.

I

I had to strip him completely and throw everything in the biohazard

bin.

Thinking I was just popping interest, I'd left the baby bag in the car,

of course.

So I had to wrap him in a bath toy sterile mat to get him home. I would have taken a photo, if I was so angry at my husband. my husband doesn't have to deal with the sort of shit that my wife does. I assume it's such a boob.

it's all encompassing. Okay, Okay, this one's called the Helicopter Poo.

We have this amazing helicopter

at the local kids

playground. It's huge and six or seven kids can slide on it. One day, my three and a half year old kid was in there with his cousins and his mothers. Next thing we know, all these kids have been running out, screaming

come running out screaming that

something to help.

Except

for my kid, who was huddled in the pilot's seat, crying because his friend ran away. Well, that's what you get for crapping your pants in a closed environment.

Constance, mother of the year, there we go, supportive. Okay. No,

I thought it was going to be like a weird poo poo khaki or something, they all just ended up pooing everywhere.

I was hoping it was like a

yeah. Okay, the Oprah poo.

no.

to see Oprah at the opera house years ago with my sister. My wonderful brother in law was looking after my two year old.

know Oprah was at opera houses.

Which probably does like chats, like talks and things I guess. At the hotel, my, brother in law, Entered to, a lift to take my kid up to the room for a nap. In that instant, he decided to do a massive number two. A baby, not a brother in law. everyone was gagging at the smell of the lift. They were not amused. That's not half funny. Maybe pooing in the lift.

my 3 year old to the

Okay. The public loo poo. I had to rush to get my three year old to the parents room. At the shops. We made it just in time, but he didn't want to go in the little kid's loo, he wanted to use the mummy loo. To avoid an accident, I yanked down his pants and snatched him up and sat him on the big toilet, just in time. If only I had seen the lid was down. Oh no, shit's all over the place.

The

The frequent flyer Poop. We were flying London to Dubai for three kids, all toiletries.

Shit, that's a long flight though.

We travelled a lot on my husband's way, and there's never been an issue. before. flying York, why doesn't your husband just leave your family all the time? Except, of course, this time.

the time? Except, of course, this time.

My four year old, our youngest, suddenly had an upset stomach. We made it to the loo twice, by the third round, she was exhausted couldn't get up fast enough. went all over the seat, and I can't even tell you what the cabin smelled like. No one said anything. And the airline was good about it, but it

And the airline was good about it,

traumatised me for life.

That would be rank.

Imagine being unlucky.

a fucking seven hour flight. Yeah. Oh, crikey.

Well, maybe it's not a reader. Yeah. I don't think, I don't think farts do smell on a plane. I don't think that's true. From someone who's been like, Oh yeah, because of the pressure in the way they breathe through the air, you can't smell a fart on a plane. And I was like,

The filters. That's not

Okay, on that level, we've got a wriggly baby. Yeah, we do have a very wriggly baby.

wriggly baby.

And so adios. Laters. Sanction. Bye. Bye.