Welcome to the

Peak Revival Podcast.

My name is Vesna.

Today I'm gonna talk about.

If you've ever been called

a workaholic, and where does

it come from and why does

it matter for you in five

years from today, have you

ever thought to yourself,

I. Am I a workaholic?

I've had clients say to

me, am I a workaholic?

Is that what this is?

Is that my problem?

And maybe someone said

it to you in passing as a

joke or not, but otherwise,

that word's kind of been

floating around in your mind

or through conversation.

Now, what does it mean and

where does it come from?

So the dictionary definition

of a workaholic is a person

who compulsively works.

Excessively hard

and long hours.

And when you look at the word

compulsively, it's like this

irresistible urge to work

which sounds a bit funny when

it comes to work, but there

is an urge and something's

pushing you to keep working

extra long and hard hours.

Now that's.

The dictionary definition and

while that's great, it doesn't

really mean much in practice.

I want to ask you some

questions and I'm gonna go

through some questions really

slowly and I really want you

to ponder these questions

and the first answer that

comes up for you when I ask

these questions, and this is

gonna be really important.

Number one, if you were to

take a full week away from

your business and not check

in at all on your emails, on

your team, nothing, right?

You are unreachable

for one week.

Would you feel guilty?

Would you feel bored?

Would you even schedule

something like that?

Right?

What comes up for you

with that question?

Secondly, has anyone ever

said to you, you always

say you're gonna slow down

and you never do.

Three.

Does working harder make

you feel more worthwhile?

Right?

Like you're a valuable

part of the business or the

family or the relationship?

Is there an element of working

at this that makes you feel

valuable or worthwhile?

If no one could see

what you were doing,

would you still do it?

If you loved your work, but

you were never recognized

for any achievements, would

you still work as hard?

And lastly, what happens

when you slow down?

Do you feel calm or

do you feel restless,

anxious, agitated, bored?

So I hope that you

pondered those questions.

It, I think they're telling

questions because they kind of

go to the place of where this

behaviour is coming from and

I really want that to trigger

in you to find the answers.

Right?

With workaholics, It's not

just about doing the best

work, like I talked about

in a previous episode,

about your drivers.

So whether you're a visionary

or you're driven for impact,

et cetera, like we had

drivers for high performing

women, a hundred percent.

But this is something a

little bit different, okay?

This is when you end up

sacrificing, like you're

exhausted, you're burnt out,

you are, on the floor crying.

Can't deal with your day.

Your relationships

are no good, right?

You're fighting, you're

not close with your kids.

Whatever it is, that

is an unhealthy.

State to be in.

Okay.

That is, you've gone too far.

So what is driving

you to go too far?

You may not be there, but you

might be heading into that

and thinking, actually, my

relationships are affected,

my health is affected.

What is driving this

With being a workaholic

or working excessively

hard, there is a driver

to prove your worth

through your achievements.

Workaholics often try

to prove themselves.

And so there's a sense of

not feeling as valuable.

And so the work is to

provide the value, right?

So whether it be a

reflection of your income,

your house, your car, the

size of your business,

your net worth, right?

And traditionally, this

was kind of, men fell into

this category, but I see

many women today, right?

And not just from a

business and network and

and income perspective,

but your children, like

your children a reflection

of your worth, right?

how hard you've worked.

To get them where

they should be.

your looks, your

weight, right?

These are all ways that we

try to prove our value or our

worth to avoid rejection,

to feel like we belong.

To feel secure.

Now, when it comes to

business, I know that

working hard in business

just looks like it makes

total sense, right?

You gotta work

hard in business.

'cause business is

a tough game, right?

You gotta be on the go,

you gotta be doing stuff.

Busy, busy, busy, busy.

But I don't.

Really believe that that's

how it works, right?

I used to like, I remember

I've shared a story once

before and I, and I do always

share this story because it

was such a big moment for me.

I remember once I asked my

dad who'd been in business

his whole life, and I said,

you know, this was when I was

struggling in, this business,

in the online business.

In the beginning, I really had

no idea what I was doing and

I was putting all this money

in and not getting money out.

And I said to him,

have you ever seen

anyone work this hard?

And not make money.

And he said so many people.

And I was like really

blown away by the answer.

And I was like, yeah, okay.

That's actually true.

That's how people go

bankrupt in business, right?

They're still

working very hard.

So hard work is an element,

yes, but it's not the

one thing that's going

to make you successful.

Okay.

And I think there is a belief

that you can't achieve what

you want without hard work.

And I think there's a limit to

what is hard work or working

excessively hard, compulsively

hard, that you are burning

out and you're actually

impacting your relationships,

your mothering

or your health.

So work hard can equal success

except for when it doesn't.

Okay?

So it's not a surefire formula

for you to be successful

in all areas of your life.

And I think that you

know this, right?

I think you've probably

worked hard as I have for

different things in my life.

I worked very, very hard at

it and didn't get what I want.

And there are

other things where.

I didn't work that hard

for it and I got it right?

And so there's more

things at play here.

But what I really wanna

point to is that taking some

of that need to prove your

worth off your shoulders

through your work, okay?

And so you can simply

enjoy your work and have

more freedom, have more

ease, have more enjoyment,

have more vitality, right?

Have better relationships.

So, like I said, there

is a core belief.

There's an underlining

story that defines work

holism, and it's, if I work

harder than everybody else,

I'll prove that I matter.

Okay?

This is very unconscious.

There is something

about doing and working

that equals values.

Somehow that's been

programmed into our mind.

And actually there was a

psychologist who I'm gonna

talk about, Alfred Alder.

He said that This mindset

really started in our

school years, like in the

traditional school system.

Because we were graded, it

become very competitive.

And so therefore we developed

this belief that if we

work harder, then we are

more valuable, that we're

more recognized, we get

more achievements, right?

And so therefore we are

more valuable in the world.

I guess not even

more valuable, but

we belong, right?

We feel part of the group.

Okay, we feel accepted,

we feel more secure.

So that's really kind of

this core belief, right?

Working harder makes

you feel some sense of

security or some sense of

belonging, particularly if

you wanna get to a place

that you wanna get to that.

feels like it's got

that sense of security.

So Alan Alder was a

psychologist around the time

of Freud and Jung, but he

saw things very differently.

He didn't see that.

Our past, our childhood was

the main reason why we are

stuck in our life and, and

continue the same patterns.

Like he does recognize things

from our childhood, but

ultimately, he believed that

these stories could be broken.

Right?

Whereas Jung and Freud.

Thought about going into

your past more and more

and more and more to try

and, um, dig more dirt up

and try and overcome it.

Alder didn't see that

as a very successful

formula, and he said

there everybody can change

regardless of their past.

But he did say that

for workaholics.

This is a. Working hard

for a fictional final goal.

what he called it, and he

said, it's an unconscious

belief that we hold that if

we achieve something, whether

it's recognition or success or

status, that will finally feel

secure, accepted, and whole.

But it's fictional, right?

You think about maybe where

you are right now, okay?

Five years ago you would've

been really happy to be

where you are right now.

Okay?

Hopefully for many of you,

sometimes things happen, but.

All in all, maybe in

your business or in your

personal life, five years

ago, you wanted to be

in this place, right?

That was a goal that was going

to feel like you had made it.

You had achieved, you were

whole, you were content,

but you are in this place

today and you don't feel

those feelings, right?

The goalpost has shifted and

Right, and that's why he calls

it the fictional final goal.

So for a workaholic,

the fictional final goal

could be when my business

runs perfectly and my

team performs flawlessly,

I'll finally relax.

Once I hit 7, 8, 9

figures, I'll finally feel

successful and secure.

if I stop or lose

everything I built.

Okay.

So these are some of the

irrational goals that are

formed in early life and that

play out in our life because

of feelings of inadequacy

or fear of not belonging.

So that's from our childhood.

But again, Alan Alder,

and I think a lot of,

psychology Today really

focuses on that we can

change these things, right?

These are just stories

that are unconscious that

we've carried through

from our childhood.

in Urian psychology,

he called it.

We build a private logic.

We build a private little

world that's logical to us,

right through unconscious

beliefs, and it ends up

ruling our lives, right?

So we constructed this story

from childhood to make sense

of the world, our place in

it to gain significance,

safety and belonging.

And that becomes the lens

through which we live

and interpret everything.

So we live in a way of things

that we want to avoid and

that we want to strive for.

you know, some of those

things that I've already

mentioned are not thoughts

that we say out loud, but

they look like behaviors,

like saying yes when we want

to say no, overworking to

compensate for feeling like

an imposter, pushing past

exhaustion because there's

no other option, Or avoiding

delegation because we don't

trust anyone to do it right.

I think those are really

typical signs that I see

for business owners that

they are really stepping

into that workaholic.

They're really stepping

in that if it's meant

to be, it's up to me.

And there's really so much

to prove there, right?

There's only a reliance on

yourself, but there's also

this need to prove your value.

Okay?

And if we took you

outta the equation and

everything ran perfectly.

What about you then?

What's your role?

What's your value

that you bring?

Okay?

And this could be outside

of business as well,

in the family unit, in

a relationship, right?

Have a look at how much

there is, or could there be a

story of trying to prove your

worth in your relationships.

so one thing I would

ask you to do is where

you are today, project

yourself 5 years ahead.

Feeling the way that

you feel today operating

things, the way that you're

operating today, 5 years

ahead, How would you be?

Would you be happy with

continuing exactly like

this for another 5 years?

Would you feel like you

would've gotten ahead

in life or where you

wanted to get to and push

forward another 10 years?

I really see yourself 10

years from today, and you're

still exactly the same place

in the, in terms of how much

you work, how many hours you

work, how stressed you feel,

how overwhelmed, how anxious,

how exhausted, how your

relationships are, how much

time you have with your kids

in 10 years from now, what is

gonna be the impact of that.

Do you wanna be in this

place 10 years from now?

Because I can tell you

that, and I know this from

personal experience, we

wait for things to change.

We wait for things to

settle down, but it's,

we need to change, okay?

Things don't settle

down without our

participation, right?

We need to organize

things, but we need to

uncover these core beliefs

that are driving us.

I've always said.

I always say to my coaches, I

always make everything harder

than what it needs to be.

I used to, I'm gonna

say that I used to make

everything harder than

what it needs to be.

There was an element of, I

really did believe that if

I worked hard, if there was

hard work involved in the

process, and this is not

just in my business, but

anything, it had to feel

hard, then it was worth it.

Okay, then I'm worth it.

Then I'll get the result.

And I see women who, you

know, whether they're

on, a health journey.

Or a weight loss

journey or whatever it

is, if it feels easy.

Like sometimes I talk

about things in my work and

they're very simple things

to do, and they work very,

very well, but it seems

too easy for them, right?

Because they have a belief

that it has to be hard,

really hard, or maybe a

really restrictive diet in

order for them to get the

results that they want, right?

And that's why our beliefs

shape so much of what

shows up in our life and

the way that we feel.

So let's go into your kind

of private logic story, this

kind of childhood belief

that you've carried forward

from a very young kid.

So I want you to ask

yourself these questions.

And actually what I'm gonna

do is below this, I'll put

all the questions in A PDF

so you can actually take

the time to go through this.

'cause I think it's

really important.

If you're not happy where you

are now, and if you project

yourself 10 years forward

and you're like, yikes, I do

not wanna be there, then this

is an important exercise.

What are your core

beliefs about work?

What are your core

beliefs about rest?

How much rest is too much?

How much rest is lazy?

Rest, right?

You're lazy.

Like really break it down.

what is your core

beliefs about worth?

What makes you valuable?

Is there anything you

need to do to be valuable?

How is value even assessed?

Are you more valuable than me?

Am I more valuable than you?

Like how do we know

who's making this up?

What would happen if

you didn't work so hard?

What would happen if you

stepped back a little bit

and didn't work so hard?

What fear comes up for

you with that question?

And then you wanna understand

the purpose behind it.

So what is this behavior

trying to achieve?

Where are you

trying to get to?

What are you, what's

the end result here?

Is it security?

Is it significance?

And really look at what this

behavior is trying to achieve.

then I would even

explore for yourself

what valuable looks like.

Right?

Can you be valuable even

when you're resting?

Can you be valuable

without doing anything?

Because if that's the sole

driver for us trying to prove

our place in the world, then

we have to look at where.

Value comes from

Your worth and my worth

are never in question.

We can never get that

through our work.

Okay?

So that feeling of not

being enough or trying

to prove ourselves is a

moment of disconnection

from our innate wellbeing.

So when you get caught in

insecure thinking, you're

going to look outside, you're

going to look for achievements

to make you feel secure and

valuable, but that is only a

disconnect from your innate

wellbeing from the truth.

That's really the place to

look at because at the end

of the day, whatever you

achieve, you may or may not

feel valuable, but there are

periods of time when you feel

more connected to yourself,

there's less noise in your

head, you've got more mental

bandwidth, you kind of, you

know, slow down and there's no

question to prove your worth.

There's no question

whether you are valuable.

So I'd love for you to

ponder those questions

and those thoughts.

And uh, if you can leave

me a comment below.