Hello, hello and welcome to the Borealis

experience. I'm your host Aurora, life coach and companion

on this beautiful journey called life. I hope you're doing well

help you feel good. Up, you're in a safe place. Ah, I hope you

can breathe freely. Maybe you're walking outdoors in a park,

maybe you're driving, maybe you're on your bicycle, maybe

you're cooking, maybe you're just hanging out online. Maybe

you're doing dishes, and laundry, or just hanging out on

your couch. I hope you feel confident about who you are. And

get in your skin. Today I want to talk about the nice guys the

nice girls, I have produced an episode about nice guys being

too nice being a people pleaser in the past. But for some

reason, I feel called to produce a new episode about this because

I noticed most of my clients are struggling with this are

struggling with boundaries, how to set boundaries, are

struggling with knowing who they truly are outside of family

dynamic outside of a little, you know, friends circle or

community. And I really want to help out these people as best as

I can because I was one of them for the longest time. And as you

know, I'm one to learn the hard way. And I'm hoping that with my

podcast, I can not only create a space for you where you can rest

and recharge your batteries, but also where you can learn and

acquire tools for shortcuts. And for reducing the amount of time

you struggle and suffer. I wish back then I had these tools. But

that's okay. I went through the pain and I'm still here. And now

I'm pleased to be able to help people around the globe. I feel

very grateful for this mission. And as I shared with you a

couple of episodes ago, I'm hosting workshops now, where I

speak about specific topics I can connect with you in person.

And I'm also building place a retreat, where in the future I

can invite you and have one on one coaching in a safe place in

the forest. I'm also a yoga teacher so I'll be hosting yoga

classes as well but the coaching and the workshops is gonna be my

biggest thing I'm very very excited to call this into my

life and to be serving more and more people in our community and

people from all over the place. Alright, let's dive into today's

episode. Mr. Nice Guy, Mrs. Nice. Nice lady, nice girl. The

thing about being a people pleaser is that sometimes time

in the past we have learned that our feelings don't matter our

opinions, our thoughts don't matter. The way we think and

feel the way we are. We need to adapt. We need to be overly

friendly, because our deep sense of security and self esteem was

shaken. For some people we can even say was broken.

And when your core is scarred when you deep down inside feel

that you cannot fully embrace who you are, you simply can't

accept who you are because the people back then at school in

kindergarten, or at university or at work, why would they have

bullied you? If you were a decent person, there must be

something wrong with you. So we split this part of ourselves

away that was damaged and hurt and overcompensate by being

overly nice. We don't express our needs anymore, we're very

shy and hold back when it comes to opinions. discomfort, like,

we don't have no boundaries. So we don't really know when the

discomfort starts and when it ends. But sometimes we wake up

and we are in terrible pain. Because we didn't learn to say

no, we didn't learn to say, I don't want this. When the

discomfort first started, right, we let people in way too fast.

We give people way too much power. And it is a whole mess.

Because you can always point the finger at the other person and

say, Hey, you are taking the candy that I'm throwing out for

free. And the other person who's taking from you is like what, I

don't know what you were giving the whole time. So what was I

supposed to do not take something from for free out

there in the world. And let's take it. So in a very gentle

way, I want to turn around this finger that you were pointing at

others for the longest time and pointed at you. It is on you to

not get involved with people who don't have your best intentions,

who don't take you as a part of themselves. It is on you to cut

through the bullshit to acquire tools to sharpen your senses. To

find out right away when there is a person sitting in front of

you with selfish intentions. It is not on them, they will do

whatever they want to do. And I tell you what, most of the time,

they're not bad people, they went through their fair share of

shit. And now they meet you overly nice person and they feel

like now I can finally trust and relax and, and be happy for a

little while until I feel strong enough. And then I can leave the

people pleaser. Because actually it gets really boring to be with

a person who doesn't have a spine who doesn't have a

character who doesn't know how to say no. And it's a harsh

reality to live in and to sit in. I know it because I went

through it. And I'm sorry if you feel that way, right now. But at

the same time, I want you to reclaim your power and see how

much you can influence your happiness in the future. By

knowing yourself by knowing how to read other people, and by

being able to say no, when something feels off. Right, we

make compromises all too often. Oh yeah, but he had an ex that

was very manipulative. And that's why I need to be nice. Oh

yeah. But she had a boyfriend who was violent. That's why I'm

giving her space right now. She doesn't want to be close to me,

but I'm still gonna be committed to this relationship but because

who knows? Like one day she's gonna be ready, right? We

bullshit our way into situations. And I know for sure

that there isn't a part of you. That knows shit. I should get

out of the situation. It's not good for me. I'm being bred

chromed. It's an expression in so froze studies, which I find

totally awesome. You're not, you're not being given a whole

loaf of bread, you're giving bread crumbs. And I tell you

what, my dear, you are wasting so much time with those kinds of

situations and so much energy. And then we think that if we

start dating at the same time a new person that it's going to

work out in some way or another. But it is not, because that new

person that is sitting in front of you, that might be the one

that might be totally able to commit to you, and to love You

and to make you feel awesome about yourself. But also, you

make them feel awesome about themselves in a very healthy

way, they will sense that your energy is scattered, that you're

not quite there, you're not really engaging with them,

because you have still these other stories burning in the

back of your mind, and they suck energy from you. And they give

you an aura. I'm not gonna get too spiritual here, but they

give you a vibe that you don't really know what you want. And

actually, you know, really well what you want. You just got so

damaged, and sacked dry from these weird situations where you

were in a people pleaser role, that now that the right person

is standing right in front of you, you're confused, you don't

even know if you can trust you're scared to be in another

weird situation. So what I needed to do is to leave

everything behind to cut everything off to have no safety

anchor, and to be brave enough to be 100% alone, to set

boundaries with the people that deserve to have a boundary set

to cut ties where it is needed. You don't need to ghost people,

you don't need to be an asshole, you just can be crystal clear.

And by being crystal clear, you usually help people by being

crystal clear with themselves as well. Because again, those

people are not bad people. They just don't know what they want.

They take whatever feels good in the moment. But they drag you in

situations that are not good for you. But please, it is not on

them. It is on you because you allow it because you learn that

if you are a spineless, friendly creature, that you get what you

need and want. But it is not the case, you're going to keep

making these situations happen. And your heart is going to close

up more and more, your ego is gonna get inflated more and

more. And I just don't want you to suffer on that level. I want

you to be free. I want you to be transparent, honest. And I want

you to have boundaries. Especially when it comes to a

woman, a man who's kind and caring and giving but has

boundaries, knows how to.

Now you will probably roll your eyes or grin put the woman in

her place. Whenever she acts I was out of course not violently,

of course not. You know, in a in a weird and mean kind of way.

But for the woman to know, okay, this is how far I can go. And I

respect that. And for you to stay firm with your boundaries.

I remember the first time I went on a date with my boyfriend. We

started chatting. And I'm I'm always one who wants to know

more and more. I'm a very curious monkey. And at some

point I started asking him about his past and what his ex was

like and blah, blah, blah. And we were hiking and all of a

sudden he turned around. He looked me dead in the eye and he

said I don't want to talk about this right now. I feel

uncomfortable sharing this part of my life with you on the first

date. And I stood still and was so impressed because he was very

kind and saying these words with me but at the same time, awfully

assertive. And from that day on I knew that if we weren't giving

it an honest shot, I could respect this man. And that I

wanted to get to know him on a deeper level at his convenience,

right, I can keep asking my questions, but he will open up

at his speed. So what he did by setting that boundary is not

pushing me away, he was actually showing me, hey, this is how you

can communicate with me. And this is where I have a boundary,

try again in a couple of weeks. And I can see how it is tough as

a man to set these boundaries, because I feel that men always

want to be brave, and you want to be able to, you know, show up

courageously you want to be giving you want to be provider.

Not all of you, but most of you. And then when the woman pushes

back or gets aggressive or gets upset, then you guys falter, you

get, you know, soft from the inside. I don't mean it in a

mean way. I mean, encouraging men to stand their ground in the

kindest, most assertive way. Because this is when you earn

respect, not only with women, but with the people around you.

And this is how you will feel alive. And how you will build

yourself up from the inside out. And trust me, it's going to make

your relationships so juicy, and so interesting, and people will

know who you are, you will know who you are. And isn't that a

beautiful place to be in a place of genuine power, but not from

an ego place from a heart place from an authentic place. All

right, I'm going to leave you with this. send you out into

your day. I'm sending my love out to you. I will be out there

very soon again for you. If you haven't already, please leave me

a review on Apple podcast, or Spotify. And a five star rating

will be awesome too. All right. Take care. Bye bye