1 00:00:00,320 --> 00:00:03,840 I called up my family member and I said, I don't think I can 2 00:00:04,240 --> 00:00:07,200 go back to work. I think I have to find a way 3 00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:11,680 to work for myself. And I don't know what that looks like, 4 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:16,240 but I think I can do it. I don't know what that looks like. I'm 5 00:00:16,240 --> 00:00:18,640 not saying that having a job is bad. I'm not saying that you should start 6 00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:22,480 your business over having a job. I'm not saying any of that. I am 7 00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:26,240 saying that you are worth betting on and I would bet on you. 8 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:30,030 And so you should bet on you too. Boop. Hi 9 00:00:30,350 --> 00:00:34,190 everybody, I'm Lauren Howard. Welcome to Different Not Broken, 10 00:00:34,670 --> 00:00:38,430 which is our podcast on exactly that, that there are a lot of people 11 00:00:38,510 --> 00:00:42,030 in this world walking around feeling broken, and the reality is you're just different 12 00:00:42,350 --> 00:00:46,030 and that's fine. I've owned 13 00:00:46,190 --> 00:00:49,870 a consulting company for like 5 years, maybe 6. Ooh, 6 years. Yeesh. 14 00:00:50,670 --> 00:00:54,350 Yeah, I guess it's like 6 years now. That's scary. How's that possible? But yeah, 15 00:00:54,350 --> 00:00:58,110 I've been consulting with other companies for 6 years. I've owned my own companies, a 16 00:00:58,430 --> 00:01:02,010 consulting company, and also other companies in the meantime, but a lot of what I 17 00:01:02,090 --> 00:01:05,450 do, even while owning other companies, 18 00:01:06,010 --> 00:01:09,850 is working with startups and building their businesses and stuff. 19 00:01:10,010 --> 00:01:13,450 I don't know if that was ever the plan. It's just kind of where I 20 00:01:13,530 --> 00:01:17,290 ended up. That's not really the important part of 21 00:01:17,370 --> 00:01:21,210 it. My consulting company started kind of accidentally after 22 00:01:22,090 --> 00:01:25,610 I left a job also almost 6 years ago, 5 and a half years 23 00:01:25,690 --> 00:01:29,320 ago. That was just atrociously bad for me. And 24 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:34,280 the transition out of that job felt like 25 00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:38,440 it was a very bizarre combination. There was this initial period where I was like, 26 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:42,520 I'm gonna die and my life is over and 27 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:46,360 I'm never gonna find another job and everything's terrible. And 28 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:49,720 that was a very real part of it. And I won't say that it was 29 00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:53,160 quick. I found some version of a backbone fairly 30 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:57,180 quickly. Because I was presented with a problem and I was gonna fix it, 31 00:01:57,420 --> 00:02:00,940 right? I had just left a job. I felt terrible 32 00:02:01,340 --> 00:02:04,300 about the fact that I lost this job. I was embarrassed about the fact that 33 00:02:04,380 --> 00:02:07,740 this job ended, and I was definitely going to 34 00:02:08,860 --> 00:02:12,620 save face and make it so that nobody could ever say that this 35 00:02:12,780 --> 00:02:16,060 was something that I did wrong, right? And so 36 00:02:16,780 --> 00:02:20,560 I did what I always do, which is just started moving. I just started 37 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:24,320 doing things. I just started talking to people. I just started doing— I had no 38 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:27,760 idea where I was headed, but I just started doing things. I don't know if 39 00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:31,680 anybody's noticed this, but that might be how I manage my stress, is to 40 00:02:31,920 --> 00:02:35,600 touch things and get into trouble by trying to do 41 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:39,600 too much. That's a thing. And I had this thought because that was 42 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:43,280 such a traumatic experience. It really was. It 43 00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:47,280 started out as what I can Genuinely describe as what felt 44 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:51,040 like the best job in the world, and then 5 45 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:54,560 years in was like Chernobyl 46 00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:59,840 would be like, whoa, that place is toxic. It was that 47 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:03,920 bad. And I kept it all inside. I kept it to myself. 48 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:07,120 I didn't really tell anybody. I had a couple of colleagues who we talked about 49 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:10,880 with it, but like nobody knew how small I felt, how insignificant 50 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:14,100 I felt, how— Yeah. How bad it had been for my mental health, how much 51 00:03:14,180 --> 00:03:17,540 I had let them believe, how much I had let them let me or make 52 00:03:17,700 --> 00:03:21,220 me believe about myself. I really hadn't communicated that to anybody. I don't even know 53 00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:24,100 that I had really understood the full depths of that at the time. And when 54 00:03:24,180 --> 00:03:27,220 I left, it's not like my husband and I sat down and we made a 55 00:03:27,380 --> 00:03:31,220 plan that this is destroying me and I've gotta get away 56 00:03:31,380 --> 00:03:34,980 and I need to go do something else. The CEO said something 57 00:03:35,300 --> 00:03:38,630 shitty to me at 8:00 AM. And I 58 00:03:38,950 --> 00:03:42,230 resigned by 8:30. There was no giant thought 59 00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:45,990 process. There was nothing. It was, I physically 60 00:03:46,630 --> 00:03:50,150 can't do this anymore. And so all of that to say 61 00:03:50,710 --> 00:03:54,390 that as I started to better understand the reality of what was happening 62 00:03:54,630 --> 00:03:57,430 in my life right then, I felt this like 63 00:03:58,470 --> 00:04:02,150 crushing sense that I could not go back to another 64 00:04:02,390 --> 00:04:05,910 job. Now, some of that might've been burnout. It definitely was burnout. Yeah. 65 00:04:06,340 --> 00:04:10,180 Some of that might have been a really shitty sense of identity at 66 00:04:10,260 --> 00:04:14,100 that time and trying to both distance myself and hold on 67 00:04:14,340 --> 00:04:17,860 to this identity that I had for so long. I don't even know what, 68 00:04:18,420 --> 00:04:22,020 but I just was like, do I start my own business? And I wanna be 69 00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:25,940 clear, I didn't know what that business was. I did not know 70 00:04:26,260 --> 00:04:29,780 what that business was. It's not like I was like, I've done this thing for 71 00:04:29,780 --> 00:04:33,480 a million years and I'm gonna do that thing. thing instead of going 72 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:37,480 back to work. I just was like, maybe I start my own business because 73 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:41,560 I don't think I can work for anybody again. And I had some family 74 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:44,760 members who had been incredibly supportive during that period, who 75 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:49,240 had let me call and cry, and who had my back 76 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:53,640 in trying to figure out all of the things that you figure out when you 77 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:57,560 have a huge life change that precipitates grief. And that's what it was— it was 78 00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:00,440 definitely grieving this thing that I thought I was gonna have that I definitely did 79 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:04,190 not have anymore. And so I called up one of my family members and 80 00:05:04,430 --> 00:05:08,190 they own a business. They've owned a business for a long time. They get small 81 00:05:08,270 --> 00:05:11,950 business. In my mind, I was talking to the right person. And I called up 82 00:05:12,030 --> 00:05:15,790 my family member and I said, I don't think I can go back 83 00:05:15,950 --> 00:05:19,550 to work. I think I have to find a way to 84 00:05:20,110 --> 00:05:23,950 work for myself. And I don't know what that looks like, but I, 85 00:05:23,950 --> 00:05:27,160 I think I can do it. I don't know what that looks like. And 86 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:31,640 I don't know what I expected in return, but what I got in 87 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:35,640 return was not whatever that was. Because I think 88 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:39,160 out of, I don't know, maybe being protective, maybe 89 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:43,720 it must have been being protective and trying to keeping in 90 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:47,560 mind that I have kids. But the advice that I got back was, 91 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:51,160 no, no, that's a terrible idea. And it was like shocking to me because this 92 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:55,050 person owned a business. This person had been in their own business for a long 93 00:05:55,210 --> 00:05:58,970 time. This person had supported me in all of 94 00:05:59,050 --> 00:06:02,730 my challenges in a corporate environment. And I just went, 95 00:06:03,050 --> 00:06:05,930 what do you mean? And they said, think about it, your skills are in demand 96 00:06:06,090 --> 00:06:09,370 now, but they might not be if running a business doesn't work and you have 97 00:06:09,370 --> 00:06:12,650 to go back to the workforce. He was like, you should probably just find a 98 00:06:12,730 --> 00:06:16,170 job. I don't know that not finding a job is the way to go. It 99 00:06:16,330 --> 00:06:18,890 took every ounce of 100 00:06:19,690 --> 00:06:23,450 cobbled-together confidence that I had managed in the 101 00:06:24,010 --> 00:06:27,050 days since this thing had happened and 102 00:06:28,250 --> 00:06:31,290 sucked it right out of— like, all of the air was gone from the universe. 103 00:06:31,370 --> 00:06:34,730 Everything— I felt so small. I felt so 104 00:06:34,890 --> 00:06:38,730 stupid. This person who runs a successful business is telling me that I would 105 00:06:38,810 --> 00:06:42,410 never be able to run my own business, or that running my own business will 106 00:06:42,490 --> 00:06:45,390 probably be a disaster, and then I won't be able to get a job. My 107 00:06:45,470 --> 00:06:49,310 kids are gonna starve. I'm being selfish. Just go find a job. 108 00:06:49,390 --> 00:06:53,230 It didn't feel as bad as the environment that I 109 00:06:53,230 --> 00:06:57,070 had been in before, but it felt pretty terrible. It was the first day that 110 00:06:57,070 --> 00:06:59,550 I felt like maybe I had some sea legs under me. It was the first 111 00:06:59,790 --> 00:07:03,390 day that I thought maybe there's something out there that is more than 112 00:07:04,670 --> 00:07:08,110 a job that sucks your soul dry. Maybe I can go find that 113 00:07:08,270 --> 00:07:12,120 thing. Maybe I can create that thing. And to have somebody 114 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:16,120 who was so close to me and who felt like they were 100% in my 115 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:19,800 corner for whatever came outta my mouth an hour ago say, 116 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:23,000 no, I don't think that's a good idea. I don't think you should bet on 117 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:26,360 yourself. That's what I heard. I don't think that's what they meant, but that's what 118 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:29,800 I heard. I don't think you should bet on yourself. I accidentally 119 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:34,360 ignored them. It was not my intention. I don't know what 120 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:37,800 my intention was. I think my intention was to take a little bit of time 121 00:07:38,890 --> 00:07:42,650 Figure out what was next, meet some people, shake some hands, kiss 122 00:07:42,730 --> 00:07:46,490 some babies, find whatever's next. And to 123 00:07:46,650 --> 00:07:49,850 their credit, I did find a job 124 00:07:50,650 --> 00:07:53,610 that was in the skill set that they told me I should be focusing 125 00:07:54,010 --> 00:07:57,690 on. So I started accidentally 126 00:07:58,570 --> 00:08:02,410 consulting. Very genuinely, my consulting company started on accident. 127 00:08:02,570 --> 00:08:05,930 I was just networking with people. Because I didn't know what was out there. 128 00:08:06,410 --> 00:08:10,250 I hadn't looked for a job maybe ever. I'd 129 00:08:10,250 --> 00:08:13,530 never been in an earnest job hunt, like, except maybe during college. 130 00:08:14,810 --> 00:08:18,490 It was not anything that I was used to. To me, like, every 131 00:08:18,810 --> 00:08:22,650 job that I had gotten, I got introduced to somebody, and I just honestly happened 132 00:08:22,810 --> 00:08:25,130 to be in the right place at the right time. So this idea of an 133 00:08:25,210 --> 00:08:28,570 earnest job search was, like, completely foreign to me. And so I was like, let 134 00:08:28,570 --> 00:08:31,370 me just— like, there's tons of stuff happening out in the world that I have 135 00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:35,240 never had time to engage with in this digital health world that I work in. 136 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:39,320 Let me go see, let me go meet some people. And so I started to 137 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:43,080 meet people, I started to build some relationships. I started— for reasons I 138 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:47,080 to this day can't explain, people find me shockingly credible. Literally, I 139 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:51,000 cannot explain it, but whatever. That's not a complaint, it 140 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:54,360 works to my advantage. I just don't understand it. 141 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,480 You know, I would meet with people for a couple of— well, like one time, 142 00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:00,360 and then I'd get an email a week or two later, hey, we're working on 143 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:02,680 this thing, do you have any thoughts on it? And then I would end up 144 00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:05,700 working on that thing And it happened a couple times and they were relatively small 145 00:09:05,940 --> 00:09:09,380 contracts, but that's not a complaint. I'm fine with that. So 146 00:09:10,260 --> 00:09:13,380 I found myself accidentally consulting. 147 00:09:14,260 --> 00:09:17,780 At the same time, this other company came to me 148 00:09:18,260 --> 00:09:22,020 and said they wanted me to do a short-term consulting contract with them, but it 149 00:09:22,100 --> 00:09:25,780 was like a full-time engagement. And then because of 150 00:09:26,020 --> 00:09:29,700 some internal issues that they had, they were like, you know what, it would be 151 00:09:29,780 --> 00:09:32,410 way easier if we bring you in as a W-2. So do you want to 152 00:09:32,410 --> 00:09:36,250 just work for us? And I said, sure, because I thought that was what 153 00:09:36,330 --> 00:09:39,770 I was supposed to do. I was told by somebody who cared about me a 154 00:09:39,850 --> 00:09:43,130 ton that was what I was supposed to do. And they knew that I had 155 00:09:43,530 --> 00:09:46,570 other consulting work that I was doing. They were fine with it. There was another 156 00:09:47,130 --> 00:09:50,810 fractional thing I was looking at. They were fine with it. I was transparent about 157 00:09:50,890 --> 00:09:54,650 everything. All good to go. So I took the job. 158 00:09:54,890 --> 00:09:58,450 I was there 3 months before All of 159 00:09:58,770 --> 00:10:02,370 the corporate nonsense started sliding 160 00:10:02,530 --> 00:10:05,970 downhill, for it became very apparent that 161 00:10:06,850 --> 00:10:10,290 the CEO's wife was an emotional 162 00:10:10,690 --> 00:10:14,530 terrorist. Girl-on-girl crime was bad there. It was bad. And 163 00:10:14,770 --> 00:10:18,610 if you know me, that's— I don't have the stomach for it. I don't. I 164 00:10:18,690 --> 00:10:21,490 do not pit women against each other in the workplace. There are only 165 00:10:22,610 --> 00:10:25,940 so many of us, and If we can't enjoy working 166 00:10:26,260 --> 00:10:29,700 together, I don't wanna work with you at all. There was a lot of 167 00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:33,060 typical VC-driven healthcare 168 00:10:33,860 --> 00:10:37,540 bullshit, and I hated it. I 169 00:10:37,780 --> 00:10:41,620 hated it. I had told them when I took the job that 170 00:10:41,620 --> 00:10:44,660 I'm not big on travel. Now, mind you, this was the first year of 171 00:10:44,820 --> 00:10:48,260 COVID This was early COVID. They basically 172 00:10:48,820 --> 00:10:52,020 had open offices at that point. And they wanted people to be there in person 173 00:10:52,260 --> 00:10:55,620 all the time, but they were across the country from me. And so I did 174 00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:59,460 travel there one time and it was great, but I had 3 days 175 00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:03,380 there where I got no work done because all I was doing 176 00:11:03,620 --> 00:11:07,380 was running around and schmoozing with people, which I hated. I just 177 00:11:07,460 --> 00:11:10,660 wanted to do the work. That's what I was there to do was work. And 178 00:11:11,060 --> 00:11:14,340 all I could do was go to this meeting, meet with this person, 179 00:11:15,060 --> 00:11:18,810 go to dinner, whatever. So like literally it costs them money to fly 180 00:11:18,970 --> 00:11:22,170 me out there. It costs them money for me to be there. It costs them 181 00:11:22,250 --> 00:11:25,130 money because they lost almost a week of productivity from me in the 182 00:11:25,210 --> 00:11:28,730 process. And they were like, okay, well, can you be back in 2 183 00:11:28,810 --> 00:11:31,850 weeks? And I'm like, if you need somebody here that often, why don't you hire 184 00:11:32,090 --> 00:11:35,850 somebody who's here? So between trip number 1 185 00:11:35,930 --> 00:11:39,770 and trip number 2, there was a variant of COVID that got really bad. 186 00:11:40,090 --> 00:11:43,490 Everybody was sick again. We had a very short break. Where everybody was 187 00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:47,170 vaccinated and things seemed to be tamping down. And then we went into whatever this 188 00:11:47,330 --> 00:11:51,170 first wave of a new variant was that got everybody sick again. 189 00:11:51,330 --> 00:11:55,010 And at the time I was basically the primary caretaker for my mom and 190 00:11:55,090 --> 00:11:58,850 we couldn't bring in an outside caretaker because of COVID And so I 191 00:11:58,850 --> 00:12:02,210 said, I just can't keep getting on a plane. I said, I can't get this 192 00:12:02,290 --> 00:12:04,370 variant cuz I can't give it to my mom. And 193 00:12:06,370 --> 00:12:09,980 my boss there said, It's not if you get 194 00:12:10,060 --> 00:12:13,900 it, it's when. So I just wouldn't worry about it. And 195 00:12:13,980 --> 00:12:17,180 I was like, well, we're done here. Thank you for the 196 00:12:17,580 --> 00:12:21,260 opportunity, but you just encouraged me to try to kill my 197 00:12:21,340 --> 00:12:24,540 mother. And if I do that, it's going to be a way more interesting way 198 00:12:25,420 --> 00:12:29,180 than giving her a strain of COVID I've got bigger plans than 199 00:12:29,260 --> 00:12:32,940 that, but you're certainly not going to tell 200 00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:36,790 me To not worry about a global pandemic that 201 00:12:37,110 --> 00:12:40,950 has killed many people, many hundreds and hundreds of thousands of people, 202 00:12:41,830 --> 00:12:45,670 when I'm the primary caretaker for somebody who, by the way, just had an 203 00:12:45,830 --> 00:12:49,430 organ transplant. So actually, now that I think about it, they fired 204 00:12:49,670 --> 00:12:53,350 me. They fired me because I wouldn't travel. I have a memory that I quit, 205 00:12:53,350 --> 00:12:57,190 but they fired me. And listen, firing gets a bad rap, 206 00:12:57,270 --> 00:13:00,470 right? Getting fired gets a bad rap because it's embarrassing. 207 00:13:00,710 --> 00:13:04,440 Please. Let someone pay you to go away. There is 208 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:08,280 no greater joy in life than getting 209 00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:12,360 paid to go away. So they paid me to go 210 00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:15,320 away. I went away, but I was like, this is 211 00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:18,680 bullshit. This is bullshit. Your corporate 212 00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:23,160 perspective was at a healthcare company, mind 213 00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:26,760 you, a healthcare company. The pandemic's not that big a deal. 214 00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:31,380 You being here in person, even though you're less productive, is more important 215 00:13:31,620 --> 00:13:35,220 to us than the public health risk. And I was like, 216 00:13:35,780 --> 00:13:39,540 I'm done with that attitude. I can't, I'm done. I'm spent. The 217 00:13:39,780 --> 00:13:42,980 next day, literally the next day, and I had 218 00:13:43,620 --> 00:13:47,460 zero information about either of these things before it happened. The 219 00:13:47,780 --> 00:13:51,460 next day, I got 2 offers to consult 220 00:13:51,620 --> 00:13:54,980 at 2 different companies for quote unquote Full-time engagements— that 221 00:13:55,220 --> 00:13:59,060 doesn't necessarily mean you're working full-time— and replaced all of that income and 222 00:13:59,220 --> 00:14:02,980 some, and have consistently been getting work like that for 223 00:14:03,140 --> 00:14:06,980 5 years, except a brief period where I wasn't accepting new work. 224 00:14:09,540 --> 00:14:12,820 I make a shit ton more money than the person who told me not to 225 00:14:12,980 --> 00:14:16,740 start my own business. Like, a shit ton. And I don't say that to brag. 226 00:14:17,860 --> 00:14:20,990 I say that because Somebody else's faith in you 227 00:14:21,710 --> 00:14:25,470 should not determine whether you bet on yourself or not. I don't 228 00:14:25,470 --> 00:14:28,830 think he was trying to be mean at all. I don't think he was trying 229 00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:32,510 to be harsh. I don't think any of those things. I think they 230 00:14:32,750 --> 00:14:35,790 thought they were protecting me, that they were keeping me safe, 231 00:14:37,070 --> 00:14:40,830 that they were doing what was right for me. But guess what 232 00:14:40,990 --> 00:14:44,430 they don't understand? They don't understand my industry. 233 00:14:45,140 --> 00:14:48,740 They don't understand startups. They don't understand fractional 234 00:14:48,900 --> 00:14:52,740 work. I didn't even understand fractional work at the time. Had I 235 00:14:52,980 --> 00:14:56,820 listened— and I did try to listen, I did try 236 00:14:56,900 --> 00:15:00,100 to listen— and it was exactly what I said it would 237 00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:03,940 be. It was exactly what I was trying to get away from. But when I 238 00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:07,220 bet on myself— I don't even know if I bet on myself as much as 239 00:15:07,220 --> 00:15:10,750 I let the universe point me in the way of whatever the thing was. When 240 00:15:10,830 --> 00:15:14,590 I did what felt right to me. I want to say it that 241 00:15:14,670 --> 00:15:18,270 way because I don't know that I ever bet on myself, because at no point 242 00:15:18,430 --> 00:15:22,270 was I like, I'm gonna find more work, contracts are just 243 00:15:22,350 --> 00:15:26,190 gonna come to me. That has never been my attitude. I'm 244 00:15:26,350 --> 00:15:30,190 always maybe a little bit too much in scarcity 245 00:15:30,350 --> 00:15:33,230 mindset. I'm worried that the next thing is not going to come, even though it 246 00:15:33,310 --> 00:15:36,830 has consistently come. So I want to be clear that I don't wake up in 247 00:15:36,830 --> 00:15:40,500 the morning and I have an abundance of work, and I am 248 00:15:40,660 --> 00:15:44,020 always going to be able to feed my family. That's not how I'm wired. You 249 00:15:44,180 --> 00:15:48,020 could pay me to not worry, and I would still worry. That's just the 250 00:15:48,180 --> 00:15:51,940 way I'm wired. But somebody else's 251 00:15:52,260 --> 00:15:55,140 doubt in what you believe to be true 252 00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:59,700 should not be the determining factor in whether you do that thing or not. 253 00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:03,630 They could have good intentions, they could have bad intentions, They could be on your 254 00:16:03,790 --> 00:16:06,910 side, they could be your biggest foil, who knows? 255 00:16:07,710 --> 00:16:11,310 But lots of people are going to tell you you can't, and if 256 00:16:11,790 --> 00:16:15,150 you think you can, odds are you probably can. And also, 257 00:16:16,190 --> 00:16:19,950 you might fuck up, and you might fail. Those 2 things can exist 258 00:16:20,030 --> 00:16:23,710 at the same time. They can! If your brain and your body are 259 00:16:23,870 --> 00:16:27,710 telling you that you need something else, and you are waiting for a 260 00:16:27,870 --> 00:16:31,150 sign from someone else that it's okay to do it, 261 00:16:31,950 --> 00:16:35,070 stop. What do you need? What do you need to set up 262 00:16:35,950 --> 00:16:39,310 to get to that place? What do you need in your corner 263 00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:43,550 before you feel comfortable doing that thing? You don't need 264 00:16:43,710 --> 00:16:46,430 somebody else's permission. Like, talk to your partner first if you have a partner. 265 00:16:47,550 --> 00:16:50,110 Don't do what I did and quit your job without talking to your partner first. 266 00:16:50,270 --> 00:16:54,110 That can go over poorly. I'm very fortunate. Let me put it this way. If 267 00:16:54,350 --> 00:16:58,190 my husband had quit his job without telling me, I 268 00:16:58,270 --> 00:17:01,950 would have lost my shit, and you might have found 269 00:17:02,110 --> 00:17:05,950 him in a shallow grave. He wins. He wins 270 00:17:06,030 --> 00:17:08,750 that part of our relationship by leaps and bounds 271 00:17:09,870 --> 00:17:13,390 because I went up to him and said, I might have just quit my job. 272 00:17:13,950 --> 00:17:17,710 And a day or so before, he would have been like, can you please 273 00:17:18,270 --> 00:17:21,980 not rage quit your job? We need an income. We need 274 00:17:22,140 --> 00:17:25,980 your income. And I was like, I'm not gonna rage quit my job. 275 00:17:25,980 --> 00:17:29,500 And then I rage quit my job expecting that he was gonna be 276 00:17:30,460 --> 00:17:33,580 really unhappy with me. And I swear to 277 00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:37,580 God, he looked at me and said, if they 278 00:17:37,580 --> 00:17:41,340 don't see how great you are, we don't need them. 279 00:17:41,420 --> 00:17:44,860 And acted like we had not had a conversation the day before 280 00:17:45,740 --> 00:17:49,590 where he was like, Can you not quit your job? He wins because 281 00:17:49,670 --> 00:17:53,510 I would not have been so gracious as I would have been like, what 282 00:17:53,510 --> 00:17:57,270 are you doing? This is the end of the world. And he was like, 283 00:17:57,510 --> 00:18:01,190 you'll figure it the fuck out because you always do. Life is different if you 284 00:18:01,190 --> 00:18:04,870 have a biggest fan in your corner. I'm just saying. But anyway, even 285 00:18:05,190 --> 00:18:08,310 people who love you are going to give you bad advice 286 00:18:08,390 --> 00:18:12,150 sometimes, and that's reality. Even people 287 00:18:12,390 --> 00:18:16,140 who love you Even people who know their area of business 288 00:18:16,540 --> 00:18:19,740 really well might not know your area of business. 289 00:18:20,540 --> 00:18:24,300 Be careful where you get your advice from. Be careful when you ignore your gut 290 00:18:25,340 --> 00:18:29,100 to listen to somebody else, even if they mean well. Take in 291 00:18:29,260 --> 00:18:32,460 opinions, let them influence your perception, 292 00:18:33,500 --> 00:18:36,780 but don't let them make the decision for you. It's time to go out on 293 00:18:36,780 --> 00:18:39,540 your own. Let's do it. We can do anything 294 00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:43,780 scared, we should not have to do anything unsafe. 295 00:18:43,940 --> 00:18:47,460 If you're scared, let's go. If you're unsafe, that's a different 296 00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:51,140 story. Let's figure out how to get you safe, and then we can do the 297 00:18:51,220 --> 00:18:54,900 scared thing. You are worth betting on. And that does not mean 298 00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:59,380 that you should quit your job without a plan, that you should throw caution 299 00:18:59,540 --> 00:19:03,220 to the wind, that you should make a bad decision. No, we do certainly are 300 00:19:03,220 --> 00:19:06,880 not in an economy where we could easily recover from that. But I'm not 301 00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:10,160 saying that jobs are bad. I'm not saying that having a job is bad. I'm 302 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:13,360 not saying that you should start your business over having a job. I'm not saying 303 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:17,360 any of that. I am saying that you are worth betting on, 304 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:20,640 and I would bet on you, and so you should bet on you too. Also 305 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:23,440 buy my consulting program. Let's be honest, that's what I'm really 306 00:19:25,180 --> 00:19:28,880 saying. And now we'll go to Allison, who has this week's 307 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:32,750 Small Talk. So we have a Small Talk here from Tamara 308 00:19:33,470 --> 00:19:36,910 in Louisiana, she asks, when my son was diagnosed 309 00:19:37,150 --> 00:19:40,910 autistic at age 5, my mother-in-law told me I was letting doctors 310 00:19:41,390 --> 00:19:44,510 label him. My father said I was looking for 311 00:19:44,830 --> 00:19:48,590 excuses. My husband believed the diagnosis immediately and 312 00:19:48,670 --> 00:19:52,430 has been his biggest champion ever since. I don't know how to sit 313 00:19:52,510 --> 00:19:56,350 at a family dinner with people who love my kid and still somehow refuse 314 00:19:56,670 --> 00:20:00,280 to see him. How do you love someone who won't do the work of 315 00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:04,200 understanding the person you love most? Don't sit at the table with 316 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:08,120 them. Don't. Just don't. I get it that you love these people, but they 317 00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:10,920 are not loving you back in the way that you need to be loved. So 318 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:13,640 don't sit at the table with them. And if they want you to come back 319 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:16,920 to the table, they have to start to understand your perspective and 320 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:21,400 approach things differently. They can't not acknowledge a huge part 321 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:25,400 of your child's existence and the way that he needs to be communicated with and 322 00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:29,040 the way that he needs to be supported. And think that you're gonna continue 323 00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:32,480 to have the same relationship with them. It would be like somebody else saying, 324 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:36,400 hey, I understand that you're deathly allergic to strawberries and you'll die 325 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:40,240 if you have strawberries, but here's this strawberry pie, and if you actually appreciate me 326 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:44,000 as a friend, you'll actually eat it. And it's like, no, that— you are directly 327 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:48,240 ignoring a very important part of somebody's identity that actually, like, 328 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:52,240 defines how they interact with other people, how they can interact with the world. What 329 00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:56,330 services are acknowledged and available to him? No, don't 330 00:20:56,330 --> 00:21:00,170 sit at the table with them. You don't have to go break bread with people 331 00:21:00,410 --> 00:21:03,370 who deny some of the most important parts of your existence or your kids' existence. 332 00:21:04,010 --> 00:21:07,690 No, I know you love them, and that is great, and you are still 333 00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:10,650 allowed to love them. There's a boundary there that I think you probably need to 334 00:21:10,730 --> 00:21:14,250 set. And maybe I'm just so burnt out on 335 00:21:14,730 --> 00:21:18,570 family nonsense that I'm willing to drop the hatchet. And like, maybe there's 336 00:21:18,570 --> 00:21:21,530 a conversation first. Maybe you don't have to just like stop going to dinner with 337 00:21:21,530 --> 00:21:25,120 them, but say, hey, If we're going to be part of your life, then 338 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:28,640 you are going to acknowledge these things and you are going to get on board 339 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:32,400 with these things. And if that's not possible, then we need to take a break. 340 00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:35,280 But I can't imagine having somebody in my life who 341 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:40,160 was so dismissive of something that is a 342 00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:44,160 really important thing about somebody who is so important to you. 343 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:48,240 But I say this about maintaining relationships like this a 344 00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:51,920 lot because I went through Not something similar, but there was a hard boundary I 345 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:55,520 had to put up with a family member. And it— first I felt bad 346 00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:59,200 that I had to do it, and then I felt bad that I didn't feel 347 00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:02,000 bad, which is a whole 348 00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:07,040 nother side of guilt that we throw on ourselves, which is a little bit 349 00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:11,280 bullshit. And from the feeling bad 350 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:15,360 about not feeling bad part, I realized that as far as 351 00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:19,460 the people who are allowed in my daily existence are concerned, I have 352 00:22:19,540 --> 00:22:22,580 an infinite amount of love, but a finite amount of 353 00:22:22,740 --> 00:22:26,580 space. The love is awarded whether 354 00:22:26,820 --> 00:22:30,020 you want it or not. It's yours. Once I give it to you, I will 355 00:22:30,100 --> 00:22:33,940 not take it back. The space is awarded on a merit system and you 356 00:22:34,020 --> 00:22:37,540 gotta earn it. That doesn't mean I don't love you. It doesn't mean that I 357 00:22:37,620 --> 00:22:40,660 don't want the best for you. It doesn't mean that I won't be there if 358 00:22:40,660 --> 00:22:44,260 there's something catastrophic that you need help with. But for 359 00:22:44,340 --> 00:22:48,090 day-to-day stuff, This is not good for me. This is not okay. 360 00:22:48,650 --> 00:22:52,170 I need to set this boundary and it's, it's gotta hold. And so 361 00:22:53,370 --> 00:22:56,170 I'm looking at your merit system right now and it doesn't look like they're earning 362 00:22:56,170 --> 00:22:59,370 their way in. And it sounds to me like they need to do something different. 363 00:22:59,930 --> 00:23:03,690 Also, good for your husband. Good for your freaking husband. Thanks 364 00:23:03,850 --> 00:23:05,690 for being here, guys. Have a good day. Love you, mean it. 365 00:23:09,530 --> 00:23:12,250 That was way longer than I meant for it to be. I know that's terribly 366 00:23:12,490 --> 00:23:13,930 shocking. I know you're so shocked, Neil.