Cam Hall (00:03)

Welcome to Dad's Making a Difference, a podcast for men who refuse to live life on autopilot. This is where driven fathers come together to break free from mediocrity and commit to leading their families, businesses and communities with purpose and passion. I'm Cam Hall, creator of Fight the Dadbod and founder and leader of Dad's Making a Difference. Here we dive deep into unfiltered conversations that push you to rise above the status quo and set a new standard for your family.

We are here to transform ourselves physically and mentally, to find balance between work and family, and to create a legacy that empowers the next generation of our family to break barriers and live with strength and intention. If you're ready to challenge yourself, forge authentic connections, go beyond the status quo, and embrace a life of impact and influence, this is your place. Thank you for spending time with me today. Now, let's dive in.

Cam Hall (01:02)

Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the Dad's Making a Difference podcast. I'm your host, Cam Hall. And today we're diving into something that might be the most underrated superpower a dad and husband can have. And that's presents, not the Christmas kind, the kind that can change the course of your kid's day or of your marriage in a very short amount of time.

We've talked about presence before, but we're gonna dive in from a different angle today because I wanna ask you a question. Have you ever been in the room, but not really there? You see, before on this podcast, we've talked about getting into the room, getting into the places where you need to be able to connect. And today I wanna make sure that we're diving in to what you do when you're there. Because when I ask you, have you been in the room, but not really there?

I know you're nodding. I know that you're saying, yep, that's happened. You've been there smiling at your kid while you mentally finish an email to your boss in your head or at your computer. You're sitting across from your spouse, but your brain is running through tomorrow's to-do list. Or maybe you're thinking about the sporting event that's happening in the background on the TV. Listen, I've been there. In fact, a few weeks ago,

My daughter was telling me about something that she was working on in school a project for her Spanish bilingual program and I swear I nodded and just like said wow and even muttered something like that's awesome But then she stopped and said dad. Are you even listening? You're not listening. Are you and That was a gut punch because truthfully I wasn't she was right

I was saying, wow, and that's awesome, but I wasn't there in the moment being present. And that was a wake up call for me. And it put me on a path to decide how to share this with you today. I wanna talk about this idea of the invisible absence. So let's talk about the epidemic of being present, but absent, because I'm seeing that more and more with dads, I'm seeing it more and more with husbands, I've seen guys.

at the park, at the sporting event, I've done it at my kids' events and I'm on a phone, just scrolling media, whatever it is, instead of being present in the moment. know, according to a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, dads are spending more time with their kids than fathers did back in the 1960s. But that time that they're spending right now is fragmented. It's fragmented by tech, it's fragmented by work.

and mental distraction. Presence is not just being there, it's being all in. It's like being on wifi but on airplane mode. It says you're connected, but nothing's actually loading. And I don't want you operating on airplane road. Our families feel that. Our families, our kids especially, feel when you're not connected. Dr. Dan Siegel, he's the author of The Whole Brain Child. That's a book I read.

in my education degree and he talks about attunement, about how children thrive when they feel truly seen and known. And you can't attune to your child if you're scrolling TikTok or Instagram or you're scrolling ESPN while they're showing you the work that they're so proud of. Maybe it's a kindergarten kids showing you their crayon masterpiece or.

your son showing you his Minecraft world, whatever it is, your family, your kids need you present. And I wanna teach you about a rule that I use. It's hard, I don't do it all the time, but I call it the three foot rule. And I'm trying to do this more often, I'm trying to do this all the time. And it's something that I've been working towards. And I call this three foot rule that simply because of this, if someone you love,

is within three feet of you. You pause whatever you're doing, physically, mentally, emotionally, and you tune in. So if somebody you love, your wife, your kids, they come up to you and they're within three feet, you stop what you're doing, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and you tune in, and you're there, present in that moment. No exceptions. You're not on the phone, you're not watching TV.

You're not doing your fantasy football lineup. This is not about perfection and being tuned in all the time. It's about practice. It's about the practice of being tuned in when your kids and your family are close. And I'm gonna teach you how to do this. I'm gonna teach you four ways that I'm using right now. I'm learning through these to reclaim my presence in my home. They've changed the way that I father, the way that I lead.

and honestly, the way that I live, day to day. And I want to share these four steps with you so that this week you can work on these four tips so that you can lead, be present and connect. Okay, first one is this, make eye contact. This is a secret weapon that I've learned in education. I have worked with thousands of kids over the last 17 years.

and in lots of different hard conversations and easy conversations and connections on the day to day, when you make eye contact, it's a secret weapon. It's like a micro anchor when you make eye contact. That means people lock into you and you lock into them. You're not going anywhere. You're not drifting. You're anchored in. It's how you say, you matter to me without actually using your words. There's actually...

seen in the office, yes, I'm quoting the office, ⁓ where Jim is trying to connect with Pam after she's been distant. And he doesn't say much, but he stands there and he looks at her with just this look and this patience and the soft persistence. You need that soft persistence and that eye contact when you're connecting with those you love. In that moment, he said more with his eye contact than any speech he could have said.

So I want you to try this with your kids. Try it at home. I want you to hold eye contact with your kids. And you might be saying, Cam, how long do I hold eye contact? 10 seconds. It's uncomfortable at first, but you can do it. So when your child is talking to you, or they're within three feet of you, and you're engaging with them, you are making eye contact for 10 seconds. No phone, no TV, no distraction, just you.

in them and it's uncomfortable at first. But then it becomes powerful. It's powerful for you and it's powerful for them. So that's number one. What I'm working on right now, what I'm learning is helping me connect and be more attuned with my kids is making eye contact. Number two, no tech zones. This by far in our home is probably one of the biggest obstacles we're trying to overcome right now.

I have a 13 year old daughter who is diving into the world of online connection. I liken it back to when like I had my friends, we had the phone with the long cord. Remember those phones guys, like the one that was on the wall with the 20 foot coiled cord and that your mom would talk on it. And when you're running around the house, she'd whip you with it. Do you ever remember that? When I used to take that and walk into the other room and sit down in the corner and close the door and the cord would go under the door and I would talk for an hour with my friend who lived down the street.

just because we could talk on the phone. Our kids are there, but they're there now with a digital device in their hand where they're always connected and it's back and forth and it's hard to stop. I see it with my kids, but I see it with me and I see it with Kim. It's very easy for us after dinner for us to sit down, tune out and connect digitally to the world around us without connecting to each other. And so no tech zones are gonna be crucial and you,

being present and being tuned in. So create a tech basket, a tech drawer. Ours tends to be in the kitchen or on this little computer counter that we have in a common area. And when it's time for dinner, you put in that, your devices in that zone, in that basket, in that drawer. Or when it's dad time, and I'm gonna talk about that in a moment, but when it's dad time, the phone's going in the basket. And yes, mine too.

It's hard for me to do because I'm always on it. I've put on restrictions on my phone. I've put on timelines on my phone. I put on reverse alarms on my phone. I'm still working through that as I'm sure you are too. Now, even if I'm anticipating something in the background, an important email, text from a friend or a colleague or a client, I know that I need to be present. So I need to put that phone away. Now,

Your kids face when you put your device away and you sit down and you're having a conversation and they're you're making eye contact, right? Number one, you're making eye contact and then you sit down and they're telling you something and you look at them and you say those three superpower words. Tell me more. Tell me more. When you say that and you mean it, you will see them light up.

lean in and engage with you in a new way. So make eye contact, put the device away, have no tech zones, and use those three powerful words, tell me more. Okay, let's dive into the third way that you can improve your presence in the home. And that is called the three second pause. So I have the three foot rule, I have the no tech zones, I have eye contact.

and we do the three second pause. This is the antidote to reactivity. There was a lot of time when I was a younger father with young kids where it was really easy for me to react to something as opposed to respond. Whether it was behavior, whether it was an interruption, whatever it might've been, it was really easy for me to react. Now this three second rule is like the Jedi mind trick of working with kids.

I've used this over and over in my office at the school. I've used this over and over with my own children. And this is when you get hit with a complaint, loud interruption or a wild story that starts with, guess what I did dad today at school? Or guess what I did with the banana peel out back? And instead of being like, what? You just stop, you pause, you don't react and you count to three.

And in that gap between hearing something and responding to something, this is where your best parenting lives. Just recently, I was talking to a colleague in high school and they were talking about Viktor Frankl, the Holocaust survivor. And he's the author of The Man's Search for Meaning. And in it, he says, between stimulus and response, there's a space.

And in that space, our power is to choose our response. So let me say that again. Between stimulus and response is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. So use that space. Use the three second pause as your Jedi mind trick so that you can be a thermostat in your home setting the temperature and not the thermometer that responds, reacts.

Okay, so respond, not react by using the three second pause. Okay, so we've talked about eye contact. We've talked about no tech zones. We've talked about the three second pause. And the fourth practice that I'm working on every day and I'm learning has helped me connect more deeply with my kids. It's the scheduled daily uninterrupted time. This is the one-on-one time. It doesn't have to be an hour.

It could be 15 minutes, 10 minutes of full presence with your kids. Because the truth is this, 15 minutes of full presence beats two hours of distracted coexisting. This is what I call dad time. I mentioned it before. Dinner time and dad time, no tech. So that means no phones, no multitasking, just 15, 10 to 15 minutes of doing what they want to do. And when I say they, I mean your kids.

I mean, your wife, it could be walk with the dog, it could be playing Lego, wrestling on the floor, it could be making popcorn and talking about school. And here's the secret about daily interrupted time. It's gonna fill you up too. It's gonna help your kids connect with you, but it's gonna fill you up. It's like a reset button for your heart every single day.

You get to see your kids, you get to be present with them, you get to see them grow, you get to interact, you get to have the eye contact. Use the pause, no tech, use the three words, tell me more. And you start to build a stronger connection with your kids. Now, as a guy who's a high performer, and I know you are too, or striving to be, I want you to understand this, that if you practice those four things at home, and you start to be more present,

in your home, in your marriage, in your fatherhood. If you are more present in those areas, it's like a performance enhancer for every other area of your life. Because here's the part that most guys don't talk about. Being present just doesn't make you a better dad. It makes you a more focused man. And when you're scattered, your stress hormone, cortisol, stays high. That jacks up your sleep.

messes with your recovery and makes it harder for you to lose fat,

build muscle. I'm a guy who wants to look strong, be strong. I want to be fit. I want to be active. And if I'm not structured, and I am scattered in the other areas of my life, and I'm not focused, then I am going to suffer.

in the physical area of my life. But when you're grounded, you breathe better, you move better, and you think better, more clearly, more tuned to what's going on around you. So here's a practical tip. Here's one I use every day because I get up early, I head to the gym, and there's times I will start my workout and I'm like, I'm not really here. Like, am I really dialed into what I'm doing now? Am I being intentional with my time? Am I using the practices I do with other people with myself right now?

So here's practical tip. Before your next workout or meal, take 10 slow breaths. And it takes like 10 seconds. And ask yourself, am I here? Am I here? Because if you're not, you won't get the results that you want from that workout, from the interaction, from that meal. And this isn't like woo woo stuff, guys. This is biofeedback. This is performance.

enhancing presence, this is training your performance. So asking, I here? Resets that switch in your brain to say, no, I am here. I'm in this moment, I'm present and I'm gonna get the most from it. And I'm gonna dial in, I'm gonna focus on what I'm doing right now. So there you go. I gave you four tips that you can use in the home and emphasize that by saying that your presence with your family,

is a performance enhancer in all other areas of your life. Okay, so here's my challenge for you this week. I like to give you guys a challenge each week. And let's make this real. Your challenge this week is to schedule 15 minutes each day for true presence with your spouse or your kid. So you're gonna use eye contact, you're gonna leave the phone in another room, and you're gonna let them lead that moment.

So there's your challenge this week to schedule in 15 minutes each day for true presence with someone you love.

Because man, here's what it comes down to. Your family doesn't need more of your time. They want more of you in the time that they have. So be where your feet are, be present. So whether it's a Lego build or a Minecraft monologue or a moment of silence with your wife while holding your hand in the kitchen, just be there. Don't be a hero, just be a man who shows up.

because that's what's gonna make a difference. Thanks for joining me today on this episode of the Dad's Making Difference podcast. If this message hit home with you, share it with another dad who needs to hear it. And don't forget, you guys, I got lots of free tools, coaching, and community over at www.dadsmakendifference.ca. And you can dive into our Balanced Dad Blueprint newsletter. You can subscribe for free. Just go to dadsmakendifference.ca and you'll see the tab.

for Balance Dad Blueprint. I'll see you next week where we're gonna talk about how play unlocks trust and connection with your kids like nothing else you can do. Until then, keep leading, keep showing up, and keep making a difference.

Cam Hall (19:33)

Thank you for joining me today on this episode of the Dad's Making a Difference podcast. I hope you found value in today's show. And if it made a positive impact on you, share it with someone you know, leave a five star review and subscribe so you don't miss out on any upcoming episodes. And if you're a father listening to this right now, who's driven to become a difference maker for your family, go to dadsmakingadifference.ca to learn more about how Dad's Making a Difference can help you become a better father and husband.

The DMD is a community for fathers that coaches men in the skills, the connections, the accountability, the proven steps, and the brotherhood to truly become a dad making a difference. I'm Cam Hall. Thank you for spending time with me today, and I will see you on the next episode of the DMD podcast.