COLD OPEN
NARRATOR
It's another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis; where the superheroes save the day and the lawyers save the superheroes! Today, though, we begin with neither lawyers nor superheroes, but those who serve society in a different way: actors! Specifically, we begin on the set of Part and Parcel, one of Megalopolis’ top sitcoms!
DIRECTOR
Alright! Part and Parcel season 7, episode 9, scene 5, take 1! Aaaand, action!
JILL (playing Ellie)
Luke! I’m having the worst day!
LUKE
Um, wow. Hi, Ellie! Nice to see you too!
[canned laughter from a live studio audience]
JILL
Oh, come on! Don’t be such a butt!
[more canned laughter from the audience]
Listen, I really need your help. I just got the craziest package assignment!
LUKE
Oh?
JILL
Yeah! I need to deliver this box to Atlantis! How am I supposed to pull that off? I don’t have gills!
LUKE
Well, looks like you’re in hot water.
[canned laughter, followed by the sound of a door opening and closing, then applause/cheering]
PETER (as Lyle Rogers)
What’s this I hear about water?
JILL
Mr. Rogers!
LUKE
Morning, Lyle. Our newest employee’s just having some trouble with her assignment.
PETER
Is she?
JILL
No!
[beat]
Maybe a little.
[more canned laughter]
Mr. Rogers, have you ever had to do an underwater delivery?
PETER
Of course not! I don’t have gills!
[More canned laughter. Is this too much canned laughter? Meh.]
JILL
That’s what I’m saying! So why would Ms. Yertz give me this assignment?
LUKE
She’s always had it out for our unit.
PETER
Well, we’ll show her! Ellie, don’t give up just yet. I’ve got a plan.
JILL
Oh, no. Not another one of the boss’ famous plans!
[canned laughter]
PETER
I promise it’ll work this time! Okay, girls — we’re going to need duct tape, six pairs of sneakers, a lamp, and most importantly, tenacity. Let’s get to work.
DIRECTOR
Aaaand cut! Great work, everyone!
[room dissolves into chatter, from both the actors and the studio audience]
PETER
Any notes, Tye?
DIRECTOR
Always, but I’ll give them to you later. I need a cigarette break. Hey, Jill, you joining?
JILL
[voice an octave lower than when she’s Ellie]
Oh, fuck yeah.
DIRECTOR
Oh, Peter, a letter came for you while we were setting up. It’s over on the refreshments table.
PETER
Got it. Thanks!
[Peter goes over to the table, opens the letter]
What the fuck, Paul?!
SCENE 1
NARRATOR
And now, at the offices of Smith, Smythe, Smelt, and Smiget, we catch up with our own star, Harper Hallo! Let’s see what they’re up to today…
[Moving from a busy office floor to a quiet conference room. Harper seems distracted as they enter backwards carrying materials.They turn around to find Peter sitting there]
HARPER
[distracted]
Good evening, sir, and welcome to Smeet, Schmidt, Shmick, and Smirk. Your lawyer, Mr. Aria, is running a little late tonight, my apologies, but in the meantime, I’m —
[they cut off abruptly, then speak starstruck]
Oh my goodness! You’re — you’re —
PETER
[good-naturedly]
I’m Peter McCree.
HARPER
Yeah, you are! Wow, it’s incredible to meet you, sir!
PETER
Well, considering you’re about to help me out, likewise. Sorry, I didn’t catch your name?
HARPER
Oh, I’m Hallo — I mean Harper. I mean. Um. Mx. Harper Hallo, at your service.
[exhale]
Sorry, I’m a big fan. The family used to love getting together to watch Part and Parcel. Oh man, we used to keep the paintball episode on repeat! I have to know, did you do your own stunts in that one? Everyone seems to have conflicting stratem—
PETER
Woah, woah, slow down a bit!
HARPER
Right! Sorry, I should really be in work mode anyway. I just got a little starstruck for a second!
PETER
Well, you can relax! Honestly, do people even watch sitcoms anymore? I can't have been the biggest name to come in here.
HARPER
I suppose you’re not, I did meet Ratman last week. But I see superheroes every day; it’s rare to come in contact with an actor I like. Maybe it’s weird, but… it’s just different, you know?
PETER
I suppose I get it. Once you started this job you probably ended up meeting a bunch of heroes. The luster must have worn off fast.
HARPER
Yep! After starting this job. Of course.
PETER
Thanks for the kind words.
HARPER
Of course! Even if I weren’t a fan, you’re a client! Which is why I’m here. I’m not your lawyer — I’m not even a lawyer, not yet, I’m still in school — but since Mr. Aria isn’t available right now, I’m supposed to get some info from you so we don’t waste your time!
PETER
All right, what info do you need?
HARPER
Well to start with, uh… sorry, I haven’t done this on my own before! And you know, star-struck… I’m normally very on top of things, I swear!
PETER
It’s really okay!
HARPER
I guess the big one is, why are you here? Why do you need a lawyer?
PETER
Well actually, it helps knowing you’re a fan. At the very least this will be easier to explain. So you know that I have a long running role as Lyle Rogers on Part and Parcel.
HARPER
Of course, it’s America's leading sitcom!
[under breath]
(adapted from a similar but less good British sitcom)
[normal voice]
following postal service workers. Plenty of people say that the British version is superior but the performances in the American ver-
[Peter clears his throat]
Ah, sorry.
PETER
All good. WELL, uh, let’s just say my guardian manages my funds the way my character manages the office.
HARPER
I don’t know if Lyle is that bad at managing, he tries his best even if he can be a bit spacey. Also hold on a second, guardian? Aren't you in your 30s?
PETER
Ah, right, guess that you wouldn’t have been informed. Tell me, Harper, what do you know about the hero Multi-Paul?
HARPER
The cloning hero who makes temporary copies of himself? I’m familiar with his work.
PETER
Wonderful. Well, I’m him.
[beat]
HARPER
Um. What?
PETER
Well, not him. I’m one of his duplicates.
HARPER
His duplicates aren’t temporary?! Oh my god, so many of them get eaten by monsters! They could’ve had lives!
PETER
Don’t worry, that’s not how it usually works. Usually we copies fade away once we’re no longer needed. Otherwise there’d be hundreds of us by now, a full-on invasive species!
HARPER
Oh. But you didn’t fade?
PETER
I didn’t. I was meant to! I was born years ago, during a fight with some disco themed villain. Multi-Paul expected me to just last until the end of the battle. But these superpowers, I’m sure you know, they’re not always consistent.
HARPER
Yeah, I’ve come across some unpredictability in my time.
PETER
Every now and then a copy just…. keeps going.
HARPER
So you kept going. A whole new person.
PETER
Yup! I got myself registered with the appropriate agencies and came up with an original identity, and then I had a whole life ahead of me.
HARPER
Of course, as is consistent with Kate’s Law. Which gets a bit messy. So even though you were flash cloned in... I'm guessing your 20s? The law treats you like you were born at 0.
PETER
That's exactly what my birth certificate would say. I’m listed as my creator’s dependent.
HARPER
It’s definitely not a perfect law. But to be fair, clone law is confusing at best. Especially in cases where both are sure they’re the original. Trust me, you don’t want to spend 2 years of back and forth fighting over identities! It’s an ordeal.
PETER
Yeah, it is what it is.
HARPER
And so, you got out of the hero game? But Paul stayed? Oh, by the way, you do also technically share the rights to the Multi Paul branding, but we can go down that rabbit hole later.
PETER
Good to know, but yeah, I don’t have too much interest. After all that paperwork, a whole world in front of me, I wasn't going to be burdened with responsibility. The world already has its duplication themed hero! And I was free to pursue my childhood dream.
HARPER
Acting.
PETER
Exactly. Multi-Paul and I shared a childhood, so technically it was both our dreams, but for whatever reason our interests split when we did.
HARPER
I can understand that. I actually have a twin, and we definitely differ in our dreams…
PETER
It’s not exactly the same thing. We were literally one person.
HARPER
Oh, no, that’s not what I meant! I just mean… You found a way to bring people happiness in your own way. No need to live in Multi Paul's shadow!
PETER
Exactly! I found a way to give myself purpose and I'm good at it. Harper, what would you do if you finally found your purpose and somebody dared to jeopardize it?
HARPER
[super earnestly]
I’d do everything I could to hold onto it, and I’m going to help you do the same. Now, what specifically brings you here today? What is Paul stopping you from doing?
PETER
Buying a beach house!
[A beat of dead silence passes]
HARPER
I'm sorry, what?
PETER
He refused to approve my purchase! Among other things. It’s like I can't spend a dime of my money on anything that I actually want.
HARPER
So… as your guardian he is in charge of your money. Did he provide a reason?
PETER
Please, he doesn’t bother to justify it. He just wants it for himself. He drains my funds buying himself trinkets and lavish vacations. Do you know he bought 6 of the exact same watch? We can duplicate something that small with our powers! He's just buying things to spite me!
HARPER
Duplicate purchases do seem like a waste even if he couldn’t duplicate them.
PETER
Exactly! And it isn't just watches! In the last month alone, he’s spent my money on: monogrammed corndogs, a grill-shaped grill, and not the one you’re thinking of, CapeM&M rentals (it's CapeB&B for the absurdly wealthy they rent mansions when they travel), a thousand individualized utility belts…
[Let the actor improv a few]
HARPER
Okay that’s certainly…a lot. And I can understand what brought you to us! Him burning through all your earnings is completely unfair.
PETER
Exactly! I came here to sue him for my money! Do you think you can help me?
HARPER
Well... I can’t promise anything, since I won’t be the one handling your case. But we’ll look into it, and I think there’s a good chance.
PETER
Great. And hey, there’s two tickets to the Part and Parcel season finale filming if you pull it off!
HARPER
[squealing]
Oh my god!
SCENE 2
[Office Kitchen with noises of making coffee]
HARPER
LOIS, could you send the details from the conversation to Mr. Aria? I’d really like to get started helping with it.
LOIS
Certainly, Mx. Hallo. I am certain your fandom will be a boon.
HARPER
You really think so? You don’t think I’m going to make him uncomfortable?
LOIS
I do not. In fact I just said the opposite.
HARPER
I just wasn’t sure if you meant it! Maybe you were being sarcastic. A.I.’s can be sarcastic, right? I swear I read that online somewhere.
LOIS
Well, if you read it on the internet it must be true.
HARPER
Anyway, all I’m saying is I wanna get a head start. Clone law is really interesting, and his original is taking advantage of his success! There must be some precedent we can use. And maybe I can impress Mr. Aria if I get some research done before he comes in.
LOIS
Perhaps the Cement Crawler v. SlipNSly case?
HARPER
Haven't heard of that one. What were the facts?
LOIS
Cement Crawler and SlipNSly were duplicates of one another, the original unclear to the court. Cement Crawler became a hero–
HARPER
I figured. Cement Crawler isn’t exactly a civilian name.
LOIS
While the entity known as SlipNSly did not.
HARPER
… okay, that doesn’t sound like a civilian name either.
LOIS
It is not. SlipNSly started committing crimes, developing a reputation as a supervillain. This eventually resulted in the two of them coming to blows.
HARPER
Oh, wow, intense. How did they end up in court?
LOIS
Cement Crawler sued SlipNSly, arguing that his nefarious deeds tarnished their shared name.
HARPER
Given that they’ve both got good reputations, and Multi-Paul is a well-known licensed hero, that’s probably not going to be a winning argument for Mr. McCree.
LOIS
Well, perhaps you need to think outside the box. Precedent alone rarely provides an easy answer. Is it possible to have somebody contest guardianship?
HARPER
From what I've seen, cases like those are only successful when the parents or guardians of the original are willing and able to take in the clone.
LOIS
Yes, outside of such circumstances, failure does seem to be the most common result.
HARPER
Are Paul's parents alive and well?
LOIS
Alive, yes. Well…? They are in an elder care facility.
HARPER
Yeah, I didn’t think that would–
BONNIE
Psst, Harper. Psst!
HARPER
Ms. Firestein? Where’s Ms. Castillo?
BONNIE
Shhh! Don’t let her hear you. She could be anywhere.
HARPER
I don’t even know the last time I saw one of you without the other. Why are you sneaking around?
BONNIE
Is it true that Mr. Aria’s new prospective client is Peter McCree?
HARPER
Um… sorry, I’m still trying to figure out what I can and can’t share. Am I breaking rules if I tell you?
BONNIE
You just did.
HARPER
Dang it.
BONNIE
It’s fine, we’re all on the same team. But I wanna keep this hush-hush so I can surprise Cole!
HARPER
Is Ms. Castillo a fan of his?
BONNIE
Ohhhh, Harper. She quotes the hostage crisis episode nearly every day. She’d kill to meet the lead of her favorite sitcom!
HARPER
He did promise me tickets to the filming of the season finale if we could help him sue…
BONNIE
Oh my god, really?! You have to let me help! Maybe I can swing some for her! Who’s he trying to burn?
HARPER
Multi-Paul.
BONNIE
The superhero? For what?
HARPER
Abuse of guardianship.
BONNIE
Guardianship? Do he and Multi-Paul have a kid or something? I never would have guessed.
HARPER
No, no, not a love child. Well, actually, sort of? He is the love child.
BONNIE
Of Paul? I didn't think he was that old. I guess if he’s a teen father I can see why he kept it under wraps…
HARPER
No, no, no. He’s a clone!
BONNIE
What?
HARPER
Peter is Multi-Paul’s clone.
BONNIE
Ohhh. Right, Multi-Paul. Did not put that together.
HARPER
Yeah, Paul’s the original. And not a great one, from the sound of it. Giving heroes a bad name.
BONNIE
Is he trying to use Peter for organ harvesting?
HARPER
What?
BONNIE
Clone rights are a struggle.
[door opens/closes]
COLE
Hey there, what happened to you?
BONNIE
Cole! Just helping Harper with a case for Mr. Aria real quick! Then I’ll be rushing back to you.
COLE
Ooh, new case? What’s the issue?
HARPER
Well, the client, Pe—
[Bonnie coughs]
Um. Ben! He’s, uh, a clone, and he’s trying to legally separate from his guardian slash original.
COLE
Ooh, that can be tricky.
BONNIE
Yeah, it’s hard to manage without proving the guardian is in some way harming the dependent. Courts are way more likely to intervene to increase an original’s responsibility for the duplicate, not to sever the tie.
COLE
Have you tried checking if the guardian has infringed on the clone’s identity? Could turn the tide. Look into Dynasty v. Dynamo.
HARPER
I’ll check it out! Thanks, Ms. Castillo.
COLE
Anytime, kid. C’mon, Bons, I gotta be in court and you promised to heckle from the gallery.
BONNIE
Of course! Harper, as soon as our schedules align…
HARPER
I’ll make sure you can meet with…Ben.
COLE
Why do we want to meet Ben?
HARPER
He’s got, uh, good gardening tips.
BONNIE
….Yeah. Cuz of our love of gardening.
COLE
Bons, you hate gardening. You always say it reminds you of sorting the hay for the tigers when you were a kid.
HARPER
What?
COLE
Did a supervillain drug the coffee in here or something? With something that makes you love plants? That does sound like something Weeping Willow would do…
BONNIE
Haha, that must be it! Let’s get to the courthouse, quick, I’m sure it’ll wear off soon…
SCENE 3
MAL
And he’s really not available in the evening?
HARPER
Apparently his character got stuck on the night shift for a while, so they’re doing night shoots for at least the next month.
MAL
Hmph. This would be far easier if I could consult with my client directly.
HARPER
Is there something I could be doing better? I’m trying to be as thorough as I can in my notes, but he refused recording by LOIS because he’s afraid it’ll leak to the tabloids.
MAL
Damned actors. You’re doing fine. It’s simply inconvenient, and a waste of your time to be passing messages back and forth. But if there’s nothing to be done, there’s nothing to be done. Tell me the latest.
HARPER
Well, uh, Ms. Castillo suggested I look into Dynasty v. Dynamo, and it gave me some ideas.
MAL
Ah, yes. Because he works in entertainment, that could be extremely on point.
HARPER
That’s what I thought! Of course we can argue about the specific finances, I haven’t had a lot of time to research that, but if we can just sever their legal ties completely…
MAL
Yes, depending on which judge we got, there’s a chance they would want to litigate each financial decision separately. You’ve been limiting your research to clone and duplicate law?
HARPER
Yes. Is there another area I should be looking at?
MAL
I think it’s time to think outside the box. What is Mr. McCree’s legal status in relation to Multi-Paul?
HARPER
He’s his dependent.
MAL
Effectively a child.
HARPER
So… I should look into family law more generally?
MAL
You can narrow it further. Think of his profession.
HARPER
[beat, then realizes what he means]
He’s an actor!
MAL
Precisely. Do you know what you have to do?
HARPER
Yes, I think so! Thanks, Mr. Aria! I’ll be sure to tell him where the idea came from. I’m sure he’ll be grateful!
MAL
Yes, well. If he’d like to thank me, he can get his damned schedule in order.
SCENE 4
[Back in the conference room shuffling papers]
HARPER
Okay, we’ve come up with some options, potential grounds for getting you and Multi-Paul legally separated. Remember how I said you have rights to Multi-Paul’s branding? Well, he has no rights to Peter M. McCree’s, or any other intellectual property you create.
PETER
So how does that help me?
HARPER
Well… for the most directly comparable precedent, there was a clone case a decade or so back where a hero named Dynasty was duplicated by a villain. The clone didn't want to step on her original's toes, so she started going by The Dazzling Dynamo. Fast forward a couple years, and the original starts doing work under that name and the duplicate sues.
PETER
Did that work?
HARPER
Yup! Dynamo got a huge payout and registered as a legally distinct entity due to the infringement on her IP rights. The hero license aspect of the case was more complicated, but that doesn’t really apply to you anyway, so let’s just focus on the IP. Has Paul ever done anything where he was using your name for himself? Gone to a meet and greet, sold autographs, maybe leaked…
[ahem]
compromising photographs?
PETER
You can't ever repeat a word of this, right?
HARPER
Everything you tell me is confidential.
PETER
The pictures are real, and they're me.
[gasp]
HARPER
But how could you-
PETER
Yoga 3 times a day.
HARPER
That can't be it. You'd have to be able to–
PETER
Moving on! He's never been stupid enough to try and run a scam where he's me. We're way too different for him to pull it off. He's a terrible actor.
HARPER
And not much of a looker.
PETER
….Oh?
HARPER
Just trying to lighten the mood a bit. Okay, so that's a dead end. Let's keep going down options.
PETER
Okay.
HARPER
Has he ever made you take any exams for him?
PETER
Nope.
[Scribbling noise]
HARPER
Has he used you for tax fraud?
PETER
Nope.
[Scribbling noise]
HARPER
No complicated shenanigans involving Italian pop stars?
PETER
What?
HARPER
Okay, I’ll take that as a no.
[half-joking]
And I'm just gonna go ahead and assume it's a no for organ harvesting…
PETER
Organ harvesting?!
HARPER
Another no, then. Um… hmm.
PETER
Were those all your ideas?
HARPER
No, no! There’s definitely more! Um…
PAUL
[from outside]
PEEEEEEETEEEER!
[Foreground whining from Paul, shushing from Cole, and angry noises from Bonnie]
HARPER
Um. What was that?
LOIS
Mx. Hallo, the source of the ruckus, if you will, is towards the elevator.
PAUL
Ohhhh, Peeeeter! How could ya do it to me?
HARPER
I’ll go investigate!
[Door opens and closes, Harper makes their way into the hall. The bickering gets steadily louder as they get closer.]
COLE
Sir, we really need you to calm down. There are people working here.
PAUL
I know he's here! Trying to get some fancy bigshot lawyers to sue me. Me, a hero! Aren't you supposed to be the good guys?
COLE
What? No. We’re lawyers.
BONNIE
Specifically, we're lawyers who have already called security twice and are desperately resisting the urge to put your ass on ice.
COLE
Just relax, sir. We couldn't even tell you if he was here. You won't gain anything by standing around and yelling.
HARPER
What's going on out here?
BONNIE
Mr. Paul is here to try my last nerve. He ruined my surprise!
[beat]
And he’s causing trouble!
COLE
[Under breath]
It’s so sweet that that's what you're mad about.
PAUL
I know you're hiding him here. You cowards. How could you do this to me? A hero?!
COLE
Hero, shmero, you can’t be here. O.
PAUL
I'll pay you. I'll give you anything you want.
BONNIE
Okay, that's enough. Time to go, Mr. Paul. Ms. Castillo and I will escort you out of the building ourselves.
PAUL
[Being pushed out and getting fainter]
Peeeeeteer!!!
SCENE 5
NARRATOR
That evening, in the latter part of Harper’s crossover shift…
MAL
[Approaches sipping coffee]
I understand our prospective defendant had to be escorted out of the building?
HARPER
Multi-Paul, yeah. Ms. Castillo and Ms. Firestein took care of it. The guy's a total Diva. I can’t believe America’s favorite show stars a version of that jerk!
MAL
Mx. Hallo, I can assure you of one thing that I have learned over the course of my life. You should always believe that celebrities are jerks.
HARPER
And what's worse is, I asked Peter, and there’s no IP or identity-based grounds for a lawsuit. Almost nothing we came up with has any facts to support it.
MAL
Not even organ harvesting?
HARPER
Ms. Firestein was serious about that?!
MAL
[sighing]
This generation. My word.
HARPER
Seriously, is that a thing? Making a duplicate just to take their organs?
MAL
In my day —
HARPER
Okay, actually, never mind. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but let’s stay on topic.
MAL
Fair enough.
HARPER
I haven’t gotten very far with the approach you suggested. Do you have any tips on where to start on actor stuff?
MAL
Focus on child star cases. Find out if Paul's been dipping into the Coogan trust fund. Peter must have one. That would be the easiest way to prove he’s spending Peter’s money and not his own.
HARPER
Ok, thank you! That helps a lot.
[joking]
Who would’ve thought, the boss on an office comedy is technically a child star! Kind of the opposite of you, right?
[beat]
Y’know, because you’re immortal?
MAL
Get back to work, Mx. Hallo.
HARPER
Right away sir.
SCENE 6
NARRATOR
Exhausted from a week of crossover shifts, our protagonist, Harper Hallo, finally has an evening off! They try to catch up on some reading for class, but thei r heroic twin Hazel Hallo has other ideas…
[on TV]
PETER
Who tried to put a waffle through the sorting machine?
LUKE
Uh, boss? That was you.
[canned laughter]
HARPER
Do you have to watch this right now? I’m trying to concentrate.
HAZEL
I haven’t seen this one.
HARPER
And you still won’t have seen it in an hour, when I’m done with my evidence reading.
[pauses show]
HAZEL
Come on, I haven’t seen you all week! I just wanna hang with you and watch our favorite show!
HARPER
[under their breath]
Watching a duplicate with my duplicate.
HAZEL
You know I have super hearing, right? Who’s a duplicate?
HARPER
Uhhh…
HAZEL
Ooh someone confidential, intriguing! Lemme guess, uh… Two words, sounds like–
HARPER
It’s still confidential if I tell you with charades!
HAZEL
Ugh, fine, don’t tell me. But now you owe me, so you’re gonna watch with me!
HARPER
Hazel, I have homework!
HAZEL
And you can do it over coffee in the morning!
HARPER
I use that time to reread my notes for a third time so I’m extra prepared!
HAZEL
…I’m not even sure how to argue with that. It seems like it argues with itself. Come on, it’s the Sasha Nebraska episode, I’ve been meaning to see it for ages!
[teasing/tempting]
I’ll let you read me IMDb trivia…
HARPER
…Okay, that does sound fun. And I could use a day off, I’ve been passing notes and messages between the day shift and night shift all week!
HAZEL
Good!
[hits play on the show]
Hang on I’m gonna back it up a bit.
[replay the same bit as above in background]
HARPER
It’s season 4, right? Oh never mind, found it. Wow there’s a lot of trivia on this one.
[beat as they read]
Oh shit!
HAZEL
[pauses, on Hero Alert]
What? What’s wrong?
HARPER
I’m an idiot!
HAZEL
Okay but what’s new?
HARPER
[not paying attention to Hazel]
I can’t believe I didn’t think of this, all the back and forth, talking to Mr. Aria and Peter separately, I missed it…
HAZEL
And you’re not even gonna tell me, are you?
HARPER
Nope! But you can hit play again. I’ll research this tomorrow.
HAZEL
[muttering as they hit play]
Rude.
SCENE 7
NARRATOR
And once again the following afternoon, Harper talks with their favorite sitcom star!
[Back to the quiet conference room. Finger drumming from Peter]
HARPER
I’m sorry your guardian showed up. I’m just glad they were able to stop him from Going Postal out there.
PETER
Is this really the time for catchphrases?
HARPER
Sorry, I really can’t help it. I ended up binging a whole bunch of your show last night with my sibling.
PETER
Glad I could entertain you both.
HARPER
It helped, though–I had a bit of a breakthrough! I still have a few questions to ask you, though. Do you have any evidence that Multi-Paul has gained access to your Coogan trust account? It would make things easier!
PETER
Coogan trust?
HARPER
Since you’re a child actor, technically, he has to put 15% of your earnings into a trust for when you come of age. Actually, your employers should be putting it there directly. Is the other 85% enough for him or do you think he’s dipped into that?
PETER
I can try to find out, check with the bank.
HARPER
Okay, great, that could really help. And just to double-check our records, how old are you?
PETER
Legally, I’m 16. Biologically I’m in my thirties.
HARPER
Perfect! That’s how old Sasha Nebraska was in the episode I watched last night! What's the name of that song? Fine 4 Now?
[mutter singing]
If it’s gooood for you, then i'm fiiiine for now
We just keep on spinning while we get turned out out
Better count yo blessings, better fill that cup
Cuz when that clocks finished ticking buddyyyyy, your time is up
PETER
Oh, yeah. Sasha got a ton of praise for that one.
HARPER
And did you know it was her first acting role after she was emancipated?
PETER
Um…no?
HARPER
You should really talk to your co-stars more, we might have figured this out earlier. When she was a child star, her guardian Monterey Jack funneled all her money into reviving his career. So what did Sasha Nebraska do? She waited till she was 16 and then filed for emancipation!
PETER
[getting it]
And legally, I’m a child star, too.
HARPER
Exactly!
PETER
You think that this would work for a clone?
HARPER
Nobody has ever tried before, but that means no one has failed. It’d be a big step toward getting control of your money back, stopping Mr. Paul from taking more. Then we can sue him to get back the rest.
PETER
Cut him off from the stream of my money and he’ll have to deal with the consequences of his spending habits. Take that, Paul G. Rism!
HARPER
I need to confirm all this with Mr. Aria, but based on my preliminary research, we'll need character witnesses from people close to you, statements from other prominent clones that I can have S.I.M.P. put you in contact with, and a petition with everything you've told me that the two of us can draw up! Then it's all Signed…
PETER
Sealed!
HARPER and PETER
AND DELIVERED!!!
PETER
This is fantastic, Harper. Thank you. You really got the idea from an episode of my show?
HARPER
Well technically I got it from the IMDb trivia, but–
PETER
That’s still impressive. Thank you so much.
HARPER
You’re so welcome. And, hey, I know we’ve still got a ways to go before we’ve wrapped up your case, but…could I ask a favor?
PETER
[cautious]
You can certainly ask…
HARPER
Could we take a selfie?
[Bonnie burst through the door]
BONNIE
[obviously lying]
Oh no, Cole, you were wrong! The conference room is still being used.
COLE
Well since we're here, and Mr. McCree isn't gone. Maybe we could get an autograph?
LOIS
Would you record a personal message for me? I need an automatic response for when interns ask me stupid questions.
PETER
You know what? I actually have a call time coming up, so I gotta run… but I can leave a duplicate for all that. Byyyyyye thanks Harper!
HARPER
Wait, is that a good idea?
PETER 2
Well we'll find out if I fade in a few minutes, won't we?
NARRATOR
And find out they did! But we’ll let that be our little secret, eh, listener?
We'll see you again soon, listener; for wherever there are lawyers being super, there are supers needing lawyers. Join us next time for another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis, here on Super Suits!
Episode End