Well, hello everybody, and welcome back.

So happy to have you here today.

Today we have with us Angie Hawkins.

She is the inner glow coach who transforms women from chasing love and approval to radiating confidence so they can finally feel free, happy, and love for who they are.

She works with women who have done therapy, read the books, tried the spiritual path, but still feel like something's missing.

Through deep inner work and identity transformation, she helps them break the cycle of not feeling, feeling enough so they can experience real love, confidence and peace without having to change who they are.

She's the author of Running in Slippers, a raw and vulnerable memoir about finding resilience after emotional rock bottom.

Angie has moved from Chicago to Hawaii on her own, jumped out of a helicopter and into the ocean, Navy SEAL style.

Bungee jump, skydive, and cliff jumped.

Yet she is still terrified about allowing herself to be seen.

Wow.

Hello, Angie.

So glad to have you here today.

Hey, Tammy, thank you for having me.

Oh, you are very welcome.

And if you are on here and you are live streaming and you are watching, please feel free to drop some comments in there.

We'll be sure to address them.

So anyway, I, after looking at your stuff and kind of looking over what you do and everything, I'm like, wow, we're.

I feel like we've lived like these parallel lives of, of utter dysfunction.

Just some of the questions that you asked me to ask, you know, while we were on the show and things we talked about.

It's.

It's no wonder that you're here doing what you're here doing.

Yes.

So.

So you grew up in that dysfunctional, chaotic craziness too.

Hello.

Right.

Yes.

So.

And now you work with people that have kind of been through that.

And it describes so many of the clients that come to me as well, because they're like, I'm doing all the things.

I'm going to therapy.

I'm journaling, I'm.

I'm visualizing.

I'm doing all the things, and I still just can't figure out what's wrong.

Yeah, right.

That's.

Oh, yeah, that's the people.

That's the people.

And, and if you're out there and you're listening, that is so normal.

And there's so many different modalities.

I know you can go down this rabbit hole, hole of doing EMDR and just visualize and just do this.

And I don't know how many times people said to me, just do, do this.

And at the, at the point of just doing like 212, 000 different things, I was like, okay, enough is enough.

Like, I need rock bottom, I need a plan.

And there's unfortunately no plan for linear.

Like healing isn't linear.

It's, it's not a one size fits all.

But do you, do you deal mostly with the high achieving people that are like really on paper and walking around to the average world look like everything's perfect?

Absolutely.

And I actually would go as far to say, because there's a difference between high achieving and overachieving.

Right.

So I would go as far to say that I work with the overachievers because there's, it's one thing to have high standards, but it's another thing to have impossible standards and then beat yourself up for not meeting them.

So outwardly, yes, they look like they have it all together.

They're checking off all the boxes, but they are miserable, miserable inside because it's not fulfilling their purpose or their path or what they want to be doing.

It's just fulfilling all of the societal or family expectations of it.

And it's funny because a lot of those people grew up in those lives too.

I mean, when I grew up, my mom and dad, my mom was a child psychiatrist, believe it or not.

So I, I always say I was literally manipulated by the best.

You know, my dad was a high end stock broker, so you would have never known that.

And.

Right.

So we, we had this thing, it was like this secrecy.

You know, we couldn't.

My mom was a child psychiatrist.

No way could it ever be let out into the public that she was abusing her own children or that she was drinking 247 and still messing with little minds.

Like, so we had this like air of secrecy.

And when you have that, you of course grow up with that shame and that doubt and that just not being able to be who you are or say who you are for fear of repercussions of nothing else.

Right?

Yeah, yeah.

That's so relatable because I think sweeping things under the rug, a lot of people have that experience and that's what leads to that like, strong one facade.

Because you do not want anyone to see what's going on behind the scenes.

Because that's how you were brought up.

Right?

Do you do, did you go through therapy?

Was that one of your modalities that you use to kind of heal yourself?

And yeah, I, it was not like talk therapy was not effective for me because it was a situation where, you know, you go and you talk to the therapist that feels good in the moment and then you leave and it's like, okay, what do I do with this?

Because it just felt like more information because it was also at a period of my life where I also read a lot of self help books and it's like, okay, this is great, it's a lot of information, but then what do I do with it?

And even with self help books, like, there may be guidance on this is what you do with it, but it's for the masses like it.

You don't know what to do in your own individual circumstances.

And I remember with one of my therapists, I kept asking her like, okay, what can I do?

What can I do?

And she would, I don't want to say shame me, but she would like blame my like.

And I was like a doer and perfectionist.

And so maybe it was like me not communicating, but it's like I wanted to be like implementing what I learned.

And she was like kind of blaming my perfectionism and like doing and achieving.

And it's like, I just want it to like feel better, you know, And I'm just, I just want to do something because just talking about it didn't work for me.

Well, and we now know.

I mean, it's like the talk therapy is great.

And don't get me wrong, if you're out there and you're in therapy, I 100% highly recommend for me.

It was a starting point for me.

It was to help me become violently aware of my patterns that I had developed and to take some of the shame and the guilt out of the fact and understand that none of it was my fault that I, you know, but you're right, it didn't help me actually alleviate the feelings.

I could talk about it all I want.

Yeah.

But I had to get into my body.

I had to really start getting into my body and being like, okay, I have these feelings, I'm journaling them out, it's still not working.

So now I'm going to burn them and I'm going to rip them up and whatever I had to do.

Like, I was like, get it the heck out of my body.

So what finally started working for you and really clicking?

What worked for me is when I finally invested in myself and hired a coach.

Because we would talk just like you might with a therapist.

But then he would say, like, because maybe like if we talked about boundaries and then he would say, okay, you need to like set this boundary and enforce this boundary.

And I would actually have action steps to like.

And that would like change my behaviors and habits, which ultimately changed my beliefs.

And I Was like, oh, this works for me, right?

Yeah.

It's funny that you said the boundaries, because that was a good big place to start.

And I remember the first time.

Do you remember the first time you actually tried to set a boundary?

Oh, yeah.

What was your experience?

Oh, it wasn't good because it was with my mom.

And of course she got mad and she told me I was being mean.

And this was actually before I started working with a coach.

So in my mind, I was like, I'm never doing that again.

But then with my coach, he was like, okay, we're going to start small.

But then a big part of it, which I don't think I would have came to this conclusion on my own.

It's one thing to set a boundary, but it's another thing to enforce it.

And that's what he and I, like, really had to do the work on.

Because, trust me, if you set a boundary, that doesn't mean someone's going to respect it.

So that's where the real work comes in, because then you have to enforce it.

But we started small.

So I remember the first place I really started setting boundaries at the time I worked in corporate America.

So I was like, I'm just going to start setting boundaries around my time, because that was a really.

That was a definite energy leak for me at the time.

And the funny thing about it was people actually started respecting me more to the point where I would get compliments on my boundaries.

And, like, people would be like, how do you do it?

And they actually wanted advice from me.

And that was enough to motivate me to keep doing it at work, but then also do it in other places in my life.

Exactly.

And you're right about the starting small, because I tell people, if you have not especially, like you said you tried with your mom.

I mean, how long had that not been a boundary?

And all of a sudden you're like, oh, I'm gonna do this.

And I. I caution people with anything you, you know, baby steps.

Yeah.

So I tell, like, I'll tell my clients, well, start small, and don't start with something that matters to you.

Go to a restaurant and order something that's not on the menu.

Oh, that's a good one.

Just start getting these yes and no things.

I mean, if they say, you know, if I go into a restaurant and I want chicken and I want them to parmesan breading on it, and they say, well, I'm sorry, I can't do that.

Okay.

Didn't hurt me, didn't kill me, and what that does is it shows you that first of all, a no or rejection to that boundary is not the end of the world.

So boundaries are not scary.

But also that if they do, watch what happens when they're like, yeah, hold on, let me see if we can do that.

And they come back and be like, hey, this chef said we could do that.

You're like, yeah.

And then all of a sudden it's like you poof up your big rooster chest and you're like, ah, I can do this.

And it becomes easier and easier.

But I remember the first one with me was just that I had been talked to so poorly my entire life, and it was with my first husband.

My friend said to me, you know, Tammy, it's not, it's not okay that he talked to you that way.

It's not okay on a regular basis.

That.

That's just how he, like, you don't do that to someone you love.

And I'm like, really?

So the next time it was like he said something, probably the same comment, you know, which I was used to.

And I was like, you know that I don't like that.

Please don't ever say that to me again.

He's like, oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't even realize, you know, I didn't even think about it.

And I was like, wow, that was fun.

Like, that was easy.

And so it was.

But it took a minute.

Like, it took a minute and you know, start.

Just little things though, start, start baby steps.

It's like everything, you know.

But you're right about the enforcing them, because if you don't enforce them and somebody violates them, them and then they.

You give in.

You literally, it's almost like having a reverse, like, negative reaction in the other opposite direction.

Because now you've just said my boundaries don't matter.

Like, my boundaries don't mean anything.

Yeah, right.

Exactly.

So it's like if you give in once, then they're like, okay, oh, that's easy.

I just have to push her a little harder.

She's eventually going to give in.

Yeah.

And so I, there's actually a term for it, but it's slipping my mind right now.

But yeah, it's.

It's.

It's crazy.

So.

But I have, I have a whole 30 day or 14 day boundary reset challenge.

But you, like you said, it's implementing steps day one.

Try this day to try this.

And let's talk, because I was actually, my last episode I just did, we talked about the difference between, like, therapy versus coaching what do you look at as the difference in like what you do with your clients?

I think the biggest difference is having the steps that you can implement in your everyday life and having like the quote unquote homework that you're implementing.

And also another thing that I do for my clients and my coach did for me is like, I'm not available 24 7, but if they do need to email me or text me in between sessions, like say they did do the thing and it didn't work out the way they wanted to and they need quick advice in the moment, I can be available for them.

And you know, therapy definitely doesn't work like that or like they will bill you or your insurance or they maybe just don't have the time.

So I think it's the biggest difference is the practical advice to have actionable steps to, to actually change your behaviors and habits, which is actually going to change your beliefs.

Yep.

Which I just think is more efficient because like you can go to therapy for years and be talking about something before it really sinks in, but if you're truly doing it in your day to day life, it's way more efficient that way.

Yes, I, I agree.

And I've had some really good coaches where I love that.

I don't want to say you have 247 instant access to every coach you work with.

Guys, that's not what I'm saying.

It's not right.

But it was nice.

No, that's not realistic at all.

But it is nice to have a hotline or to have, you know, just to be able to drop in a casual Facebook group and talk to the community.

Because a lot of coaching, you know, we have a group community and it's all people that have been through the same things, I think too, a lot of times.

And I love this.

And you probably, it sounds like you do you work with people that had very similar growing up experiences to you.

Yeah.

So where my, I mean, like I said my mother was a child psychiatrist and she, I could go to someone like her, but I'm like, but if your mother wasn't, if that psychiatrist mother wasn't an alcoholic, they, they still don't have that empathetic kind of like be able to put themselves in my shoes kind of experience.

Yeah.

And I think that makes a big difference because like my, my mom wasn't an alcoholic, so.

So I can, my dad was though.

But you know what I mean?

Like, I can kind of understand your situation, but it's not the same as actually being in that same situation.

Right.

And there's a coach for everything.

There's a coach for high achieving women, there's a coach for overachieving women.

There's a coach for ACOAs.

I mean, I started when I started, I only really dealt with adult children of alcoholics.

Okay.

Because I'm like, I've been there, done it, spent 30 years working on myself.

I've tried every trick in the book.

I get where you're coming from, you know, and that makes a huge difference.

So talk to me about.

And I'm just kind of looking at some of the questions that we were going to talk about and I kind of get derailed sometimes.

And we go all over the place.

You know, why do we struggle so hard with those boundaries?

And we talked about setting them and how hard they are.

But why do you think people from those dysfunctional homes struggle so hard with it?

I think the main reason is low self worth, because you don't even think you're worthy of having your time, energy or whatever respected.

I mean, to your point.

And I struggled with the same thing.

If someone was putting me down or even just verbally saying something that was disrespectful for a long time, it was just like, oh, that's what I deserve.

I don't deserve to be talked to any better.

So it's just like not even knowing that you deserve better and having that standard where you're going to be like, nope, this is where I draw the line and have to set a boundary.

Absolutely.

And a lot of times, like in my case, boundaries.

Well, first of all, there's.

It goes either way.

You probably can attest to this.

You either have no boundaries in your house.

Yeah.

Or they're so strict and controlling.

Or you have kind of mediocre boundaries, but they're so quickly violated that they don't seem to matter anyway.

Like, I didn't have privacy.

There was no privacy in my house.

So, like, when people started saying to me, start journaling, that was very difficult for me because I would tell people, stay out of my diary.

Stay out of my diary.

Like, that's disrespectful.

It's rude.

It's my diary.

But it was read every night when I.

Or every day when I would go to school.

So it was like they were so quickly violated that I. I guess it goes back to.

I didn't think they were important enough.

Exactly.

Yeah.

But.

So, excuse me.

But literally, when you're going through that whole healing process, boundaries are something that you will deal with literally your entire life.

Oh, yeah, they never go away.

And also, and this is something I like to stress to my clients, the guilt may never go away, but the key is like, feeling safe in your body while you're feeling your feelings, because you, like, what's this term?

Like, new levels, new devils?

Because once you get comfortable setting boundaries at a certain level, then you gain the confidence and motivation to do it at the next level.

So because you're always, like, up leveling in your boundaries like that, the guilt and fear may never go away, but the key is feeling safe in your body while you do it.

Because you respect yourself to know that you deserve that level of respect.

Exactly.

Talk a little bit more about that because I love talking about your safety and your body.

Because it's the key to everything, really.

Everything is nervous system regulate or, you know.

Yeah.

Stems around the nervous system.

So talk a little bit more about that.

Yeah, I mean, my whole thing.

Yeah.

I tell my clients, I tell everyone this.

Your emotional and physical safety should always be your number one priority.

And being a human being means feeling feeling.

So there's nothing wrong with feeling guilt or fear or whatever when you're doing something scary.

That's actually very normal.

The difference is, you know, we're adults now, so, you know, our nervous system is trying to, like, alert us of danger.

But as an adult, we need to be like, am I really in danger?

Or is this just like this story that I'm making up in my head that's exacerbating the whole thing?

And if you're truly not in danger, then we are accountable for our own emotional regulation and making sure that we feel safe in our body in the moment.

So that should always be your number one priority when you're setting boundaries.

Actually, this.

And this is what I tell my clients and everybody, that should be your number one priority every day, regardless of what you're doing, like, checking in with yourself, making sure that you are feeling regulated.

Because if you're not, it's just going to, like, exacerbate any situation that you're in.

Especially, like, if you're in, like, the guilt or fear or like, these escalated emotional intensities.

Yep.

And I. I work a lot with clients on.

Just let's get your baseline.

Like, if you walk in on a normal day and you wake up in the morning and you're not doing something to calm yourself or doing something to get yourself regulated, if you're walking around at a 6 or 7 on a baseline, like, as far as a stressor, and the smallest little thing happens you're not even in your logical thinking brain to react correctly.

Like you're to process.

You're literally just completely reactive.

And that's such a stressful way to live.

Like it's so, it's so exhausting on.

Your body because we used to live that way.

Oh my gosh.

I mean, you just think about, we were talking about triggers the other day and you know, triggers can't be avoided.

Like there.

But you can, you can.

Things happen, you know, things get scary.

There are real threats in life.

So you're not, you can't shut them off because you do need them.

It's a protective thing.

But you know, little things like I can remember, we, I think we were just talking about it.

Like the key in the doorknob was a huge one for me.

I used to, I could analyze anybody's key in a doorknob and I could go, okay, it's gonna be a good day or a bad day, depending on how long it took to get the key in and turn the doorknob.

Well, I was probably still thinking 30 some years old and I mean my husband would come home and the key in the doorknob, if it slipped or something, it's like I would tent so bad.

Yeah.

And what was that really doing?

It was throwing me back to being a five year old knowing that mom was coming in drunk.

Like, and so it was, it was a trigger.

But I had to.

And like you said I would just now, it's like went well in my 30s as I was learning, I would just take a deep breath and I would be like, okay, what do I care?

I'm.

I'm fine.

I can take care of myself.

It's.

I'm safe.

And it's repeating to yourself, you're safe.

Yeah.

And that's all I do that every time I check in with my nervous system.

And if I am at like an elevated level and need to regulate, that's like the first thing I tell myself.

Like, I am safe.

This is not a real threat.

Like nervous system regulation should be as part of your daily hygiene as like brushing your teeth or something that you eating or something very basic that you do in your day to day life.

Because like to your point, like you don't want to carry that through every single thing in your day.

Yeah.

And, and if you can get your baseline down to a 2, even if it's just waking up in the morning and doing whatever, your practice is really the nervous system.

You don't have to wake up in the morning and be Like, I'm not going to stress about this.

I'm not going to stress about.

Because literally all that does is make you stress more.

But if you, but if, you know, if you wake up and say, today's going to be amazing day, and I'm just thank that everything at work is going to be good and, and you kind of set the tone that way, that even just those small things alone, a few minutes of deep breathing, anything but it, it can, like I said, if you can lower it to a two or three, then when those things come flying at you, you have the tools to kind of re.

Regulate quickly.

And that is, for me, that is the true measure of growth and healing because you're always going to respond to a trigger.

But it's like, well, did I, you know, blow this out of proportion or whatever?

Or was I able to think logically and regulate myself in the moment?

Right.

And that's really how the nervous system supposed to work.

You're supposed to get stressed for a second, shoot up your cortisol, drop it back down, be able to be like, oh, okay, that was cool.

I got through with that, you know, and there's so many different.

And I love, I love the whole nervous system regulation process.

I mean, I just think it's fun.

I think it's fun for people to figure out what works for them.

Some people, big deep breaths, you know, some people, if they're really in a triggered spot and I, you know, I.

You can hear these things and use all these things.

But if you're in a very anxious state, what does it feel like to you?

It feels like you can't breathe, right?

Yeah.

So the last thing you want to do is hold your breath.

Just take a big deep breath, like so, you know, so it's like it's knowing your own body too, I think.

And I, and I think that's what.

Also working with a coach, like, I had a girl that was having severe anxiety attacks and I was like, well, when you're having them, like, what.

What's your first process?

She.

And she said, well, I watched a YouTube video and I took in a huge deep breath and held it.

And I said, when you were having that anxiety attack, how did you feel before that?

She said, I was, I felt like I was drowning, which meant you couldn't breathe.

She's like, yeah, then let's not start with taking a big deep breath and holding it in and closing your eyes.

How about two quick deep breaths in, like, you know, and get it out like re.

And then just Tell yourself, I'm fine.

And we walk through the whole process.

But it is interesting how it's a one.

Every, every situation, every moment is different.

So yeah, that's interesting because I never would have guessed that holding your breath would be helpful.

But maybe for some people it is to take that deep breath and hold it well.

Or even different because, yeah, I tell my clients, like, I'm not going to like recommend something to you because it may not be your thing.

So you're going to have to experiment with different things.

Oh, absolutely.

And you know, but if you look at like, and it might not even be, I guess that's the thing.

I think it has to be.

It's so individualized because if you are in the middle when they're talking about, you know, if you are stressed and you take in a deep breath and hold it and then like there's the box breathing, you know, breathe in.

Hold for, breathe in for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four.

They don't say, if you're in the middle of a panic attack, don't do that.

Like, it's, you know, it's not specified.

That's true too, because that video probably didn't specify.

Also, I'm the kind of person, because talking about individualization, even just in general, I don't like the box breathing.

So like, so that's like a perfect example of not everything is for everyone.

So you have to experiment for what feels good to you.

Yep.

I was actually at a, it was an event I was hosting and the gentleman got up and he was doing a talk about.

He was, he's a surgeon and he does breast cancer.

And he was doing it like this video from the eyes of the surgeon.

And it was all these people, like hugging and it was people like, you know, he was showing the process and I totally understood what he was trying to do, but there was no, like ringing the bell and like celebrate.

There was just this deep, like two people that had had breast cancer.

Well, one had had breast cancer and one also had a mother that was going through breast cancer.

They got up and left the room.

And it was so funny because afterwards it's like, I mean, I'm all about like the energy in a room, right?

So it's like my hair was standing up and it was so funny.

And I just got up there and I'm like, okay, guys, I don't know about you, but I need to shake.

And I know that.

And this guy is like a really well known doctor around here.

And I wasn't being insulting, but I was like, whoa, that was deep.

Like, my.

I was so tense.

And I could see everybody's neck was up and shoulders were raised.

So it's like, I could.

You know.

So some people might have said, okay, let's all take a deep breath, right?

Not me.

I was like, I gotta shake that shit out.

And it was so funny.

And one of the girls came up to me and she's like, thank you so much.

She's like, I.

We needed that energy in the room right then and there.

Like, some of us really just, you know.

And so I, like, we all shook.

There was like maybe 40 of us, 50 of us in the room.

It was just kind of funny.

But that, again, was another perfect example where saying like, everybody breathe.

There were people in there that weren't breathing.

Like, literally, because it was so, like, emotional, you know?

Is this crazy?

It was crazy.

But we need to normalize that.

I like how you were just, like, you could feel the tension in the air.

So you're like, I need to cut through this immediately.

Oh, yeah, I'm all about just some.

I mean.

And sometimes, I mean, really think about it.

Like when you are having an anxiety attack and they say, you know, look at five things.

What are five things you can see and four things you can hear?

And, you know, they do those exercises, it's really just a pattern interrupt in your brain, right?

So it's just changing the state you're in.

So whether you're in a happy state and, you know you need to bring it down because you just walked into a somber room, or if you're being anxious and you need to bring it up, like, it's just changing states.

It's a pattern interrupt where your brain needs to think something different and focus on something different.

So.

But yeah, it was.

That was kind of funny because I was like, I. I don't know.

Like, I. I felt like every.

There was all yogi masters and stuff in there.

So I felt like everybody wanted me to be like.

Like, I don't know.

It was just funny.

I felt like if I was conforming to the normal people, which is what most people do, people would have been like, let's all take a deep breath.

And I was like, oh, no.

Hell no.

Shake that out of your body, girl, because you got some.

There's some tension in the air right now.

It was just crazy.

But so I want to ask you another question, because we're talking about the nervous system.

Why do you think that women, especially, like these overachiever, high achieving, Women or whatever get.

How did you word it?

It was a great question, especially in the mother relationship, shape a woman's nervous system to self abandon.

I don't know if that's exactly how you worded it.

What is the question?

Like, so how does the, how does.

The early emotional neglect, especially when you're around your parent, like how does that early childhood dysfunction, especially around women, create the tendency to self abandon or self, I mean really self sabotage and all that?

Yeah, I mean because we're not born with these dysfunctional patterns.

Right?

Like it comes from how we.

And also as children it's actually very intelligent how we develop them.

Because for example, as a child my mom was very critical.

She wanted me to be a certain way.

I didn't feel safe being me.

So it was actually very intelligent of me to be like, oh, it's way safer for me.

Like it felt safer in my body.

Like I wouldn't have described it that way as a six year old but you know, it felt safer for me.

Like I'll just do whatever she wants so that I'll be loved and accepted and those behavior patterns work while I'm living in the home with my mom and she's in charge of me financially, et cetera.

But the problem is we carry these same behaviors into adulthood and then as adults, yeah, we were just conditioned to be that way.

So for many, many years, beyond being a child and teenager, I was.

And it wasn't just with other women, I was always like over giving to things outside of myself to feel that love and approval.

And when you are in that energy, you're attracting takers because.

And this, I was actually just talking to a client the other day because think about it, if someone's standing on the street giving out money, like, yeah, there's going to be like manipulative, creepy people who are absolutely going to take advantage of that.

But then there's people like us who's like, yeah, if you're giving out money, I'll take some.

And you know what I mean?

So like of course when you're in that energy, like people are going to be taking from you.

So you're also playing a role in that.

So that's why it's so important to recognize these patterns and start to change them because number one, as an adult, you absolutely have that autonomy to start changing your life because these behaviors are not serving you.

And it's just like so much more empowering to live in this place of having high standards and having boundaries and, and when you are there Then you attract a higher caliber of people.

That's not to say you won't have like the, you know, people who are trying to take advantage of you or whatever, but there is far way less of that than there was before.

Exactly.

And I guess, you know, in.

Yes.

And I was.

Yes.

And that you start the self sabotaging.

I was getting.

I was kind of circle back around.

That goes into it.

Yeah, yeah.

There is so much that goes into it.

And I was just picturing, you know, the, the all of it, the self sabotaging and the abandoning yourself.

And it goes back to when I joke with people and I'm like, it goes back to the not enoughs.

I'm not smart enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not funny enough.

Which goes back to you.

As you mentioned in earlier in the thing, it's just this self, this self worth.

Like it's not, you know, but the people pleasing.

And that would be your fawn.

You have the flight fight, freeze or fawn.

That fawn is the one that really.

That's the tough one to let go because it's so ingrained in you, whether you do it for fun, safety, or you do it just for affection.

I mean, we do it for a million different reasons, for connections, but it really, it does serve us well.

I mean, when you needed it, it served us really well.

Well, even as adults, you do kind of get intermittent rewards from it, right?

Because when you're chasing things, there are people who are repelled by the energy, but you also get people who are not.

So you might get that intermittent love and approval from, from chasing.

So you're.

There's somewhere in your mind, you're like, okay, it's not working some of the times, but it is working sometimes.

So I'm just gonna keep doing it.

Yeah, it's, it's.

It's a tough one.

And then it goes.

And like you said, when you're coming out of that, I mean, you talk about standards.

You talk about when I was 20 years old coming out of that and having grown up with two alcoholic parents and, you know, being pimped drug dealers and just stupid stuff, my standards were pretty low.

Yeah, that's relatable.

I mean, I, I would go as far as to say at one point in my life I had zero standards.

But that's what I'm saying.

Like, mine are really low.

So it was really easy to meet or exceed them.

And you know, I know that sounds horrible, that, that really does sound horrible.

But like you said, like, energies Attract.

So if you are, if you.

This is what you're putting out and this is what I need and this is my standards, this is what you're going to attract or people, they're going to meet you at that level.

They're going to meet you at that level.

So it's so vitally important.

And I, I can't stress it enough for the people out there.

Listening is always set your standards for yourself as you would for someone that you love.

Even if even like.

And you might be saying, well, I love myself.

Well, we do, but that's the problem is subconsciously we might not.

Yeah.

And so it's like when you go to do something before you talk about it in the beginning, about beating yourself up before you beat yourself up, just, you know, ask yourself, if my daughter did that, would I be angry?

Would I call her stupid?

No.

I actually just made a YouTube about that the other day because it's about the critical inner voice.

It's like, would you talk to a friend that you loved and respected that way?

Yeah.

I'm like, if we just start treating ourselves and holding our standards just like we would for someone that we truly cared about and loved, we wouldn't be so hard on ourselves, you know, and.

But it's hard to get into that habit.

When you spill something.

What it's like the rabbit hole of doomsday, you know, you spill something and go, God, that was stupid.

I'm always stupid.

I always spill things.

Why can't I do anything right?

And the next thing you know, you're this horrible person because you spilled 2 ounces of milk on a countertop, which cleans up, you know, it's like, so instead.

But you gotta nip it.

You got to nip it in the bud, you know?

What do you use for, like, strategies to kind of diminish that self?

Talk as quickly as you can.

Like, what do you tell your clients?

Yeah.

So number one, and I know this seems simple, but I say this for everything.

Number one is self awareness.

Because I had that critical self talk running in my head forever and I thought it was okay.

I thought it was the truth.

So really taking a step back and being like, no, this isn't even my voice.

This is my critical mother's voice.

You know what I mean?

So like just having the awareness that it's not your voice at all and you would never talk to yourself like that or again, a friend like that.

And the second thing I tell people is reframe it.

Like, I actually like your example of spilling the milk, reframe it as the truth.

So maybe your critical inner voice, like your knee jerk reaction is like, oh, I messed up, I can't do anything right.

Just pause, accept that it's there.

You don't have to judge it or anything, but just reframe it with the truth.

And this doesn't mean like toxic positivity.

Like, oh, everything's fine, I do everything perfectly.

But just reframe it with the truth.

I made a mistake.

And next time I'll do X, Y, Z to be more mindful that there's a cup full of milk next to me or whatever.

Another thing I recommend is to what we were just saying.

Like just specifically ask yourself, would I talk to a friend or someone I loved this way?

Because again, chances are if your friend was at your house and spilled the same milk in the same manner, you wouldn't be berating them the way you're berating yourself.

So why would you do that to yourself?

Right?

You would literally be like, who cares?

It's 2 ounces of milk, I'm cleaning it up right now.

Like literally.

Yeah.

You wouldn't be like, you lazy, like you stupid, clumsy, irresponsible, can't do anything right.

Like, yeah, you know, it is amazing.

Yeah.

And that's such a, it's such a hard habit.

But the self awareness is the truth and you might not even be able to deal with it at the moment.

But sometimes it's.

I like to be.

Deal with it as quickly as you can because it takes a minute for things to set into your brain.

So if you can, you know, like, let's just say you walk in and someone gives you, raises their eyebrow at you and you're like, oh my God, I did something wrong.

Just stop yourself right then and there and be like, what, what would make you think you did something wrong?

What did you do?

You know, and if I was doing something wrong, then, well, what am I going to do differently?

Kind of looking at that, you know, every single situation, you can either see the good and what you got out of it, or you can see the bad and what it.

How it stressed you out.

There's not going to be this, you know, it's like love or fear.

It's like those are the two things.

I can either find what I loved in that situation or I can be afraid of what it could have possibly caused me.

Yeah.

And another thing I recommend to people, and this is more an advanced exercise, but like with the spilled milk example, like if you are being that hard on yourself, for spilling milk.

There's a reason why that's probably rooted in your childhood.

Like, so, for example, your parents probably would have had like a totally, you know, out there reaction to something minor.

So you probably grew up in a chaotic household.

So, like, one of the best advice I've ever learned from an early mentor is question everything you do and why you do it.

So you could even ask yourself, why am I being so hard on myself about this?

And it's probably because one of your parents would have been.

And that's how you can start to see.

And I don't want to say ridiculous, because it makes sense how we evolved the way we did.

But you can start to like, kind of step out of yourself and be like, oh, I'm an adult and I'm acting exactly how I did as a child or teenager, and just have that awareness so that you can start behaving like an adult now.

Because you don't need to have the same responses that you did as a child or teenager.

Well, and I tell people to think about it.

When you're a child, everything, no matter how little it is, is big.

Everything is huge.

And that's reacting to the spilled milk that way.

Yes.

So your reaction when you got yelled at when you were five for spilling milk was huge to you and stuck in your back of your head as, oh, my God, I'll never do that again.

Like, I better not.

That's not safe.

I mean, literally, it, it snowballs because it is big at that point.

Yeah.

But yeah, now it's like we're like, well, just let things roll off.

And I love that you said that.

And that's what I was kind of saying.

Like, sometimes I write things down because obviously you can't always be like, oh, why did I get there?

It's gonna take some time to process.

And you know, and if.

And I always tell people seven whys, and I know that sounds really weird, but seven.

I just like the number seven.

But why did I do that?

Well, because of this.

Well, why?

You know, I sound like when I go through it with my head.

When I go back through.

Yes.

When I go back through it, it's like that two year old.

Well, why?

You know, why.

Why do birds fly?

I don't know.

Well, God made them.

Well, why did he make them that way?

You know, it's keep going because you're going to actually eventually get to the real answer.

The first answer.

Kind of like when people say, what is your why?

Well, I want to make lots of money.

Well, that's not your.

Why exactly.

Why do I want to do you have to keep.

Keep going?

So it's a good.

I always say write down the strange things or the reactions or the feelings or the whatever that you have during the day.

And those are great things to journal about.

Yeah.

And I know not everyone likes journaling, but I agree.

I recommend writing it down because you're probably not going to get to it in one session.

So, like, just write down as much as you can so that way the next time something happens, you can go through the same process.

And even if it's totally different than spilling milk, the underlying belief is probably related.

So by writing it down, you have more documentation that will help you, like, facilitate the whole process.

Right.

And writing it down also is a release.

So whether you speak it out loud or write it down, it is getting it out of your body that the emotion attached to it is now, you know, on that piece of paper or wherever it is.

I used to, like I said, I used to write and then I used to burn my journals or I would rip them up and let them float.

For some reason, I loved water.

I would rip them up and let them float down a river because it was like, okay, this is two months of crap, and I got to get rid of it.

And I also, also was afraid because I was afraid someone was going to read them.

So.

So.

But it was a release for me and it felt really good.

And I've heard a lot of people say that, you know, they burn pages of their journal or when you're angry, you write a letter, that person that hurts you, and then you burn it or you rip it up or you mail it to the North Pole or something so that she doesn't actually get it.

I don't know if Santa would get it, but I hope not.

I think there.

Isn't there, like, a fake address that kids can send letters?

Yeah, we used to send letters to Santa.

Yeah, but, you know, angry letters.

But I hope eating.

And no wonder I didn't get those Christmas presents.

I was on the naughty list.

But anyway.

Yeah, no, but seriously, it's.

It's a physical.

It's been shown, like, to release it gets some of that tension out of your body and, you know, shaking all kinds of different ways you can do it also.

Yeah, like, shaking is good.

I love dancing.

But just moving your body in general.

I know I tell people that all of the time.

Or even walking.

I'm like, go for a mindful walk.

That's so amazing.

Yeah, it's.

It Is funny too.

Just.

Just that little bit of movement.

I can watch people and it's funny.

There's people that I work with and I laugh because I can tell when they're stressed out because they just.

If they're talking to someone and they're stressed, their hips go back and forth and that kind of keeps them.

Keeps them grounded and everybody has their thing.

So I say, watch me.

I'm very into, like watching people, how they react, you know.

Yeah.

And how they kind of fidget when they talk.

I do.

I'm a. I'm a doodler.

I doodle, I write.

I do kind of things.

Yeah.

Like, almost like.

I don't want to say nervous, but I always do.

I'm always writing.

Well, I'm writing, taking notes, but.

But yeah, it's really funny watching.

And sometimes just the slightest bit of movement can be all you need to get you in another state.

You know, get up and just kind of move around, stretch, get all.

Any kind of movement is great for a state change.

Absolutely.

Love it.

Yes.

Well, this has been super fun.

I could talk to you forever and ever and ever.

I know, right?

So, Angie, if people want to work with you, they want to find out more about what you do and they want to see what you have to offer.

Where would they go?

My website is runningandslippers.com which is also the name of my book.

So there's obviously information about my book.

There is also information about my coaching program.

And I help high achieving women go from chasing love and approval and everything outside of themselves to radiating it from within.

And I used to offer a free 60 minute find your glow session where in my glow method, the G stands for go back to your childhood.

So we actually go back to your childhood and peel back the layers of the onions how we were talking about and find your root cause, limiting belief.

I am phasing that out.

But if you come to me and tell me that you heard me on this podcast, then it is available for you.

So again, it's a free one hour session where we were like, go to that root cause, which is so helpful because whether we end up working together or not, that, I mean, that's just enough information for you to go on your own for a little bit, even without any help.

But that, for me, that's what changed my life.

So that's the first step that I like to offer to people.

Okay, perfect.

Sounds good.

And I will put those in the show notes in case anybody is driving or doesn't have time to pull over.

Whatever So I don't want anybody crashing.

We want it all happy here.

Okay.

This has been, like I said, super fun and literally we have a lot to talk about we could back on because there's so many topics.

I mean, I'm looking at your questions, I'm like, oh God.

I didn't even touch on her questions.

But that's okay.

Hopefully.

I'm a big believer in the universe.

Makes me spit out whatever somebody needs to hear at the moment.

So, yeah, I don't.

I never know where it's going.

But if you had one big message for people to make their day a little brighter or one tip or trick, what would it be for them today?

Well, we were touching on self worth earlier and I used to live my life from a place of low self worth.

I didn't feel happy and fulfilled, but because my self self worth was so low, I didn't even think happiness and fulfillment was something that was even available to me.

I would see other people living it.

And I know this sounds ridiculous, but I would be like, oh, that's just not for me.

That's just not available to me.

But now I live my life in a place where I'm happy and fulfilled most of the time.

And that doesn't mean I don't have struggles, I don't have challenges and I don't feel negative feelings.

It means I can still feel happy and fulfilled despite what I'm going through or whatever's going on around me.

So I always like to remind people that you are worthy and happiness and fulfillment is absolutely available to you.

Because if I can find it, anyone can find it.

Oh, that was sweet.

Thank you for that.

Yes, thank you.

And thank you so much for coming on.

Thank you for having me.

I love this.

Oh, you're very welcome.

For everybody else out there listening, you heard it.

It doesn't matter where you are right now if you are not 100% happy, fulfilled, joyous, just like our maker made us to be.

You have resources and you have every single bit of worth and deservingness.

I don't even know if that's a word to go out and get that.

So you all have a blessed day and we will see you back next week.