Are You Ready For a Relationship

J. Rosemarie Francis: [00:00:00] Are you ready for a relationship? And how do you know? How do you know that you are the best person for that other person you want to meet

above?

I was inspired to talk about this topic today because of a question that was asked on Quora about how a single mother can prepare for a serious relationship. I remember when I got divorced for the third time, I explored my own feelings towards not being able to successfully be in a marriage [00:01:00] for any length of time.

Seven years was my top. And I wondered what was wrong with me. I wondered about what I did, why nobody wanted me. But then I got the message that when I did the in the self reflection that there wasn't anything wrong with me necessarily. But I needed to approach relationships with a man. In a different perspective, and there were things I needed to learn about myself before I could even contemplate being in a relationship.

I remember hosting a group of single mothers and most of them were young single mothers, you know, in the twenties and thirties with young children, young babies. And But a lot of them were looking for relationships and my first thought [00:02:00] was it just seemed a little too soon Because there's a reason you are a single mom, right?

Unless you chose to get pregnant without the benefit of a Contract then there's a reason the marriage didn't work out or the guy left you or you had to leave the guy There's a reason and so I came to the conclusion that the reason was that I was not ready for a relationship, for a serious relationship, for marriage.

I wasn't ready to deal with somebody else's crap. And it wasn't fair to the other person to bring my crap for them to fix because it wasn't their job to fix my crap. And I am using crap because it embodies so much of what? Bad relationships represent, doesn't [00:03:00] it? So, I wanted to talk about this topic because we tend to jump in and out of relationships or we yearn.

We spend so much energy as women and single women yearning for a good relationship because we want to find our better half or our other half. And that is such stinking thinking because We need to be whole, you know, scripture says that when a man marries a woman, the two becomes one. It didn't say half becomes whole, it says one plus one equal two.

So, as a mom, as a person, You have to make sure you are whole, that you are not just whole in body, but in [00:04:00] mind and in spirit, right? And I have three ways that I worked on myself with. And three ways that maybe will help you overcome the uh, hurdles and the challenges. Because you don't not, you not only need to be able to Be strong and resilient as a person.

You also need to spot those, those chameleons, you know, those wolves in sheep clothing that are out hunting for vulnerable single moms who quote unquote need them, you know, and they can smell desperation a mile off. Trust me. I know. Okay. So I want, I'm so emphatic about this because I have lived it. I have lived through a time when I was struggling so hard, and [00:05:00] I thought when I prayed and I saw this man, I thought he was the answer to my prayer because I was so desperate for the answer to, for a father, for my child.

But we have to be more focused and create more meaningful relationships first with ourselves. Right? We need to create that meaningful, strong, healthy relationship with who we are. Because if you tell yourself you're ugly, fat, no good, and then a man come in your life and tell you the same thing, then you'll believe it, right?

It's, you know, it's power for the course, right? But if you live a life that you empower yourself, To be the, the, the masterpiece God created you to be. Then when a man tells you, you're no good. You recoil and you don't want to be in a relationship with a person who put you down. Worse, [00:06:00] one who wants to hit you.

And I want to stop and add right here. We, as moms, as head of our household, need to start to find ways to break generational curses in our family tree. And one major one. Is raising our children alone. So we want to show our children. One, how a man should treat a woman. And two, what a woman should or shouldn't be willing.

To endure for the sake of having a man in their life. So think about your daughter or your son, because each child can learn and will learn from the way you interact and [00:07:00] respond to that man in your life. Remember that. So I wanted to just talk about this because it's, it's, you know, this, this thing is, you know, if you want a man, go look for a man and get a man, you know, and sometimes, oh, sometimes we get someone who Is the one for us and they have to put in so much work because you are not ready.

So don't do that to someone else. Get yourself ready, strong and resilient. And. Get to love who you are as a person. And my number one way to start to move into that is to seek healing. Get healed. You know, recently I discovered that [00:08:00] Well, I didn't discover it. I never knew who my father was throughout my life.

And there was a time when I thought I knew of the person, but, um, I didn't, you know, he wasn't an active part of my life. So I started in relationship with, with men. I wanted to marry and get taken care of because, well, you know, father was absent. So, you know, that was, that was the life I wanted to live because.

There was no dad, and I discovered recently that Even now, I don't know who my father is and I'm okay with that because I've, I've made peace with the fact that even though part of my identity is missing, I will not leave myself vulnerable to someone else's abuse just because they think there's no one around to protect me.

And so I sought healing in so many ways. I sought. therapy, [00:09:00] I went to church groups, I prayed and I did a lot of, I even got coaching, I paid for coaching and I made it a point of duty to develop myself as a human being, as a person, as a woman, as a mother in all those capacities to strengthen who I was and to live like the child of a king because when when you live like the child of a king The, the bad people are afraid to approach you, most times.

So I ask you, if you feel that you're damaged or broken or, you know, you feel that there's some things in your life, in your past, you were abused, abandoned, mistreated, whether in church, whether by your parents, whether an ex, or just family members, Talk about it with a [00:10:00] professional. Talk about it with somebody who doesn't have an agenda towards you.

Just talking about it will help, alright? The second, um, thing that I think that people who One strong healthy relationships need to do is to forgive. You have to forgive yourself, that's number one. Because some of us solo moms, we live with a lot of guilt. Guilt over the broken relationship, guilt over screwing up our children because that's our perception.

You haven't screwed anything up. But that's all we think. Oh, I wonder if I screwed them up. Or, you know, am I going to screw them up? No, you're not. So forgive yourself. You're a good mother. You chose, you chose to raise those [00:11:00] babies. And whether they're 2 or 22. You did it. So forgive yourself, even if there are blatant mistakes standing out, sticking out.

Just forgive yourself. God has already forgiven you, okay? And then, learn to forgive others. Forgiveness is not a gift for the person who abused you. You are not doing them any favors by forgiving them. You are helping yourself. You are bringing yourself to wholeness because you're now the bigger person. I often tell my sons.

You are an eagle. You're not a crow. A crow flies low and an eagle soar. So be an eagle and soar. Forgive others. Learn to forgive others. It's hard. [00:12:00] From somebody who's been in abusive relationships, I know how hard it can be to forgive them. But you have to do that for you. You have to love yourself enough to let go.

Don't let people take up space in your head. Don't let them tie up your mind. Forgive others because in forgiving them, you give yourself a gift that no one else can give you. And my third and final point is that you recognize that You're not half or nothing looking for a better half. You are 100 percent whole, and if you seek healing and forgive yourself on others, you be 100 percent whole or close enough.

Because two broken [00:13:00] people Cannot, cannot make a good relationship, cannot make a relationship work. And that's going only, only going to spell disaster. Unless you guys are smart enough to recognize it at the beginning of the relationship, and you both work on each, on yourselves. while you're building a relationship.

That's possible. But my suggestion would be to find ways to empower yourself, to recognize the red flags, right? To heal yourself, to forgive yourself and others. You know, one of the things I learned from studying um, Tony Robbins material. I've been a student of Tony Robbins for, for about 30 years. And you can say what you want about him, but what he says and what he teaches will get you further than you are right [00:14:00] now.

And one of the exercises I did that he suggested when after my third divorce was That if you're seeking someone, if, if you're, if your desire is to seek a mate, a lifetime partner, husband, that you make a list of what it is you are looking for in that person. What do you want in that rela in a relationship with that person?

I hear it a lot of time, I want a good man. Okay, what does that mean for you? What does a good man mean for you? Right? And I'll also recommend while you're doing this exercise to, to read the five love languages. by Gary Chapman. That's The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. [00:15:00] Also, you may find a lot of resources in Season 5, Episode 29 with Jem Fuller.

How Conscious Communication Builds Better Relationships. Because you have to be able to communicate. What you want and what the person wants, right? And understand what the person wants and their needs and desires, right? Also, how to spot a chameleon before they hijack your life. That's an episode with Dr.

Roberta Shayla. And that is episode two. number 28 on season 3. So that's season 3 episode 28. How to spot a chameleon before they hijack your life. That's a very good episode on relationships, spotting red flags, that kind of thing. [00:16:00] And just finishing up what I was saying about the list, one column will list the characteristics and the things you're looking for in a man.

And the other column will, will list your characteristics, but we'll also take note of any characteristics that you're looking for in a man that you don't have. And my suggestion on what I did was to work on the things that even though I wasn't necessarily looking for a relationship. I still did the exercise because it helped me see myself, right?

It, it, it is a form of self reflection and it helped me. So it helped me to see who I was as a person, why I was doing what I was doing. And did I really, was I really ready for marriage and would I ever be ready? And I had to do the work to find that out, [00:17:00] and that work helped me to not only help myself get better, but it helped me to recognize those people that just want to be in your life to manipulate and use you, the ones Dr.

Roberta Shaler called Hijackals. So hijackals are people who hijack relationships for their own interests and purpose and then relentlessly scavenge it for power or status. And when the right one comes, you will also be able to recognize them for who they are. Right? Not be suspicious because they're nice or doubt them because, you know, they say nice things to you because you believe those things about yourself without his say so.

Okay? So, I hope this makes sense to you solo mom. I, I am passionate [00:18:00] about this because I realize and recognize the error of my ways in my relationships and I could tell you a few stories but I'm going to leave it there for now. What do you think? What, how can you as a single mother get ready for a serious relationship?

If you're interested in one and even if you're not, what can I What kind of advice can you give to another solo mom? And do you think a single mom should even consider, contemplate a relationship? Let me know what you think.