This podcast is for you, the Modern Man. I'm Dr Anne Truong,

your host. I'm an intimate health medical doctor and best

selling author of the book, Erectile Dysfunction Fix. I'll

do a deep dive into sexual health and performance and how

it affects men of all ages and backgrounds. So let's get

started, and be sure to visit my website at

sexualhealthformenpodcast.com for more information and

resources from the show. See you on the inside.

Hello there, Modern Man. I'm Dr Anne Truong. I've treated over

7000 men with ED. If you're a man in a committed relationship

or marriage, and there's no sex, you feel rejected, angry,

ashamed, frustrated. You're wondering if you're going crazy,

needy or just done. Stay tuned to this video. You're going to

get concrete communication strategies and step by step ways

to handle a sexless relationship without blowing it up, blaming

your partner, or even abandoning yourself. Stay to the end for

specific phrases you can use in your next hard conversation.

This video is for men who are in a sexless relationship or long

term relationship and are deeply distressed about it. The goal

here is not to pressure anyone into sex. The goal is to help

you communicate clearly, protect your mental health, and give the

relationship a real chance to change. We'll walk you through

ground rules with yourself, how to start a conversation, how to

listen when you're hurt, talking about needs without being

forceful, rebuilding intimacy, and when to seek help and

protect your own sanity.

So ground rules for yourself. Before you talk to your partner

about sex, you need a few internal ground rules. This

prevents the conversation from turning into explosion or a

shutdown. Sit with this question under my anger about sex, what

do I really feel? Common answers are hurt, shame, loneliness,

fear maybe you're not attractive, or fear the

relationship is dying, or you're losing your partner. Write it

down if you only speak from anger, your partner will defend,

not connect. Number two, get honest about deal breakers

versus discomfort. Ask yourself, could I live with rare sex?

Could I live with non-sexual affection? What is truly

non-negotiable for me? You don't have to decide today, but

knowing your own life helps you speak more clearly and less

desperately. Number three, drop score keeping and entitlement

language. Remove phrases like, I deserve sex, you owe me, you

never, you always. Replace them with here's what I need, here's

how this impact me, here's the kind of relationship I want us

to have.

Now let's talk about starting the conversation. So the first

direct conversation about sexless relationship is often

the hardest. So script it. Think about it all right. Pick the

right moment, not in bed, not right after a rejection, and

definitely not during a fight. You can say this. Hey, can we

set aside like, 30 minutes sometime this week to talk about

us is important to me, and I want to understand you better.

And I want you to lead with impact not with accusation. When

the time comes, try something like I want to talk about our

sex life. When we go months without sex, I start to feel

rejected and distant from you. I miss feeling close to you as a

couple, notice no, you never know what's wrong with you.

You're describing your emotional reality, not attacking their

character.

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Number three, state what you're not doing. This reduces their

fear. Try like, I'm not here to pressure you into sex or make

you the bad guy. I'm here because I love you and I'm

struggling, and I want us to understand what's going on and

see if we can work it together. This is how you listen when

you're hurt. This might be the most important part. You may

hear things you don't like, like no desire or stress, resentment,

health issue and trauma. Number one strategy, reflect on what

you hear. If they say, I feel pressure like any touch has to

lead to sex, you can answer. So what I'm hearing is that you

feel anxious that if you show any affection, it has to end in

sex, and that makes you shut down. Did I get that right? You

don't have to agree. You just showing you actually heard them.

Number two, get curious about obstacle instead of arguing with

them. Ask what makes sex hard for you right now. Is it stress?

Is it kids? Is it body image, past experiences? Something

between us. You're not cross examining. You're trying to

understand the system you're both stuck in. Number three,

thank them for honesty, even when it hurt. You may say, fear

that you may feel no desire is painful, but I appreciate you

being honest. I rather know the truth so we can decide what to

do. This kind of response makes it more likely they'll stay open

instead of shutting down.

So we're going to talk about now the needs and boundary without

being forceful. Your sexual partner needs matter. Their

autonomy matter. You have to hold both at the same time so

they your need clearly without threat. Try saying sexual and

physical intimacy are important needs for me in a long term

relationship, I'm really struggling without them, and I

like us to see if there's any path that can work for both of

us. Be honest about the state without ultimatum. Ultimatum

sounds like if you don't have sex with me, I'm leaving. A

healthier version is if nothing changes over time, I'm worried

I'll become more resentful and that it will damage us. I don't

want that, which is why I'm asking that we talk about this

now. Next, affirm their right to say no. This is what separates

honest communication from pressure. This is what you say.

You always have the right to say no. I'm not asking you to force

yourself. I'm asking that we talk about how we can both have

a relationship that is livable and meaningful. Next, rebuilding

non-sexual intimacy. For many couples, especially when there's

low desire, emotional and non-sexual closeness has to come

first. Number one add small daily positive touches like a

real hug for 5 to 10 seconds, holding hands while watching TV,

holding hands while you're walking, a quick kiss in the

morning, a quick back rub, a sincere thank you for doing X

today. Keep these clearly separate from sexual expectation

at first. Number two, create rituals of connection that are

not about sex. Example, a weekly coffee, walk together, a meal a

day with the phone away, 15 to 20 minutes nightly check in.

Each of you shares one stress or one thing you appreciate that

day. Number three explicitly separate affection from sex for

a while. Say, I like to cuddle with zero pressure for it to

lead to sex. If it ever feels like too much, just tell me. And

then actually honor that when your partner believe affection

is safe, they're more likely to lean in.

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So the next part is negotiating realistic next steps on sex. So

when there is a bit more safety, talk about what's possible now,

not the fantasy version of your sex life. Ask concrete

questions. Instead of why don't you want sex? Try on a 1 to 10

scale, how tense do you feel if you imagine us kissing and

making out with no intercourse? What kinds of touch feels okay

right now, and what is off limit? Next suggest low pressure

experiment, not promises. For example, would you be open to

trying 10 to 15 and once a week of sensual, but not necessarily

sexual touch, like massages or making out, where either of us

can pause or stop at any point? The goal is to explore, not to

hit a quota. Number three, thinking ranges, not rigid

numbers. Instead of I need sex twice a week. You might say, if

we could eventually land somewhere like once or twice a

month with affection in between, that would feel a lot better for

me. Does that feel even remotely possible to you if we keep

working on the emotional side? So when resentment is already

high, what many sexless relationships are also loaded

with years of hurt, criticism, stonewalling, maybe even

affairs. This has to be addressed. Own your side without

self destructing. You might say, Looking back, I can see how my

anger would draw or criticism has hurt you. I'm working on

changing that. I'm open to hearing what would help you feel

safer with me. Ask what repairs would actually matters. So you

can say, If we focus on repair and trust first, what are two or

three specific changes from me that would help you feel safer

or even more open. Next, if there's been betrayal, work on

trust first, if there was cheating or secret porn or lying

involved, you probably need to focus on clear boundaries,

transparency, and emotional repair before expecting sexual

closeness to return.

The next part is getting professional help or protecting

your mental health. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do

for relationship is to bring in help or to care for yourself

separately. So how do you suggest therapy? You can say,

well, we're stuck in a pattern we can't fix alone. I like us to

see couples or sex therapists who work with sex and sexual

desire issues, just to see if there's a path forward for both

of us. Look for people trained in couples therapy and not just

generic counseling. If your partner refuse therapy, consider

individual support for yourself to clarify your boundaries and

deal breakers, and to decide whether to stay, negotiate a

different relationship structure or leave.

So watch your warning sign. Pay attention if you notice

persistent depression, thoughts of self harm, strong urges

towards affairs or risky behavior as revenge. If that's

happening, reach out for professional crisis support.

This is a serious pain, and you don't have to carry it alone. If

you're in a sexless marriage or relationship, you're not weak,

you're not broken or crazy for hurting. Your needs matter and

so does your partner's safety and autonomy. Start with one

step. Maybe it's writing down what you really feel. Maybe it's

asking for a 30 minute conversation. Maybe booking a

therapy appointment just for you.

If this video helped, let me know in the comment what part

you're going to try first, and what other topics around

intimacy, relationship you want to see. I will appreciate you

like, subscribe and share this with someone that you feel may

be helpful. And that know that you are not alone on your ED

journey, and there are alternatives to ED. If you need

ED breakthrough, and to see if we can work together, check out

the link here. And just know that there are alternatives. You

are not broken, and you do not have to figure it out yourself.

Check out our Modern Man Club at NoEDMan.com and that we are here

for you, Modern Man. I will see you in the next episode.

Okay, Modern Man, you are not alone and you don't have to

suffer anymore. ED can feel isolating, frustrating, and even

defeating. The endless guessing, the quiet shame, the weight of

not feeling like yourself is exhausting. But here's the

truth, you are not broken. You are not alone. You don't have to

figure this out alone anymore. The Get Wood Now Boost Program

is your step by step, path to sexual confidence and

restoration. No more suffering in silence, no more trial and

error, just real solution, real result and the confidence you

deserve. It's time to take back your power on your term. Let's

get this journey started together. Check out the course

at getwoodnow.com. I'll see you there.

Thanks for listening to the Sexual Health for Men Podcast.

If you love this episode, then please take a screenshot on your

phone and post it on Facebook, Instagram, or wherever you post,

and be sure to tag me and let me know why you like this episode

and what you like to hear in the future. That will help me know

what's great for you and I would love to give you the most

incredible free gift designed to help you improve performance

quickly. Go to my website at sexualhealthformenpodcast.com to

get the book, The Five Common Costly Mistakes Men Make When

Facing ED. I would appreciate if you subscribe, leave a review on

Apple podcasts or wherever you listen. And just know that you

can have sexual vitality for life. I appreciate you until

next time.