The guys would probably, looking back now, they probably had a crush on me, but they teased me to no end. And I was so frustrated. You know, they would say things like, you ain't white, or Excuse me, you ain't black. You can't be black. And then me, I'm like, but I am and I'm naive. I'm trying to prove like my mom's black, you could see her when she picks me up today. What's your mom's name? Stephanie, her name, that's a white name. Her. You know your mom ain't black. I'm like, oh my God. So it's like having to prove to them, you know, that I am in fact black and then like getting braids, oh look at the white girl with braids. You know? 'cause my mom would keep my hair done and just thing little things like that. And um, then, you know, even going a little bit further when I got to like. Eighth grade, ninth grade into high school. Um, you know, terms like, oh, she's a mutt. She's so mixed up. She don't know what she is.

We'll discuss race and how it plays a factor and how we didn't even talk about this topic 'cause we were afraid

A Black Executive Perspective.

We are coming to you live from the new BEP studio for another thought provoking episode of A Black Executive Perspective podcast, A safe space where we discuss all matters regarding race. Culture and those uncomfortable topics people tend to avoid. I'm your host Tony Tidbit, so we are very excited about the show that we have for you guys today. But before we get started, we wanna make sure that you check out our partners at Code M Magazine, whose mission is to save the black family by first saving the black man. So check them out@codemmagazine.com. That is code m magazine.com. So today we sit down with Samada Tobar for a powerful conversation on what it means to lead, why healing. As an Afro-Latina executive minister and mother living with ADHD Samara opens up about showing up fully in spaces that wasn't built for her. From the pressure of code switching to the sacred work of breaking generational cycles, she shares how authenticity, faith, and resilience have shaped her path. Today's episode is reminder that you don't have to shrink to succeed and you don't have to be fully healed. To lead with power. Let me tell you a little bit about my girl Samada Samada. Tobar is a transformational HR leader, consultant, and minister with over a decade experience to building human center workplace cultures. As an Afro-Latina woman, she brings a unique lens rooted in equity, empathy, and lived experience. Sam is passionate about creating spaces where people feel seen, valued, and empowered to grow. She speaks openly about navigating ADHD, anxiety and depression while leading teams in ministries showing that authenticity and leadership can co-exist. Samada Tobar, welcome to A Black Executive Perspective podcast. My sister.

Thank you. Thank you for having me. I'm happy to be here.

Oh, we're glad to be here. And look, we're so excited about what you're gonna talk about because obviously a ton of people deal with or have had those issues that you want to, you know, dive into today. So I know our audience is gonna get a lot out of it. So, but before we get into the heavy stuff, tell me a little bit about where you're currently residing and a little bit about your family.

So I live in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Um, I, uh, was born and half raised here. Um, and I have two beautiful daughters. Uh, one is an adult, one is a new teenager, and then I have two beautiful grand babies, age four and two, and they are my world. So I'm busy over here between juggling that career and trying to have a personal life. It's a lot.

Well, that is a lot. And, and congratulations. And then why did you, quick question, you know, you just got finished saying that how busy you are and stuff that you got going on and the family work ministry. Why did you wanna come on the Black Executive Perspective podcast? Talk about this topic.

Well, it's no secret that I'm a huge fan of this podcast, and I'm super proud of the work that you are doing, um, as well as, uh, your colleagues. Um, but also I think that it's time to shine a light on this. Topic that can kind of carry a heavy stigma, especially in corporate spaces. And I feel like my experience is not for nothing. And I wanna make sure that if I can be a voice that can be an advocate, um, to bring awareness, to bring education, um, then I wanna do that. I wanna do my part.

Well, I'm glad you're here, and just to be transparent with the audience, Samara is my daughter. Um, and I'm so proud of her and she's gonna come on and talk about things. Uh, some of them I know, some of 'em I don't know or I'm not very educated on. So I'm excited that she's willing to come on and share. So you ready to, you ready to talk about it? Let's go. All right. Let's talk about it. So you remember the, um. It's a song. I forget who the group is, and it goes, who's that girl Who, do you remember the song, who that is?

Well, I, I don't, I think we're talking about two different ones. 'cause my generation had Eve talking about Who's that girl. But I know that there was one

that before that. That's the one I'm talking about Eve. Oh, I'm saying, who's that girl?

Absolutely. La la Remember that? La la la. Yep. Exactly.

That's the one I'm talking about, right? Mm-hmm. So when you, let's, let's just paint a picture here. When you hear who's that girl, which part of your identity rises to the surface first?

That's the, the very unique thing about me. Um, they all rise. And like when you say

they all rise, like what do you mean?

Like, it's not, um, it's not my black side that rises first. It's not the Mexican, it's not the Puerto Rican. It's like they are all intertwined. They all come to the front. So I, I think that with wholeness and the, the journey that I've walked, um, there's something in me that doesn't, I don't do okay with people identifying me just as, oh, she's a Puerto Rican woman, or, oh, she's a black woman. I'm like, gently correct them. Nope. I'm actually all encompassing. I'm all of them at all times.

So let's back up then. Let's talk about, you know, because one of the things a lot of people struggle with. Is, you know, people try to put people in boxes. Okay. And you just got this saying it, you, are you a Mexican? Are you Puerto Rican? Are you black? Are you white? Um, you know, all these things. And you, and you, you know, and it's a lot of pressure. And, and then more importantly, um, knowing that you don't check all those bo you, you check 'em all, but you are from a holistic standpoint, it makes it tough to even explain to somebody, right? Just the pressure of the anxiety. I gotta tell you everything, you know. So, let's back up a little bit. Talk about growing up and understanding that you bring all these different ethnicities together, and how was it growing up, going to school, what did you recognize about yourself being different? Let's talk a little bit about that.

Yeah. So growing up, um. It was interesting because I ha I was with in between two households, um, back and forth. But, um, being with my grandmother on my dad's side, she took a large role in shaping my identity from a very young age. She only spoke Spanish in the house. Um, my grandfather only spoke Spanish and my aunts, you know, they would, you know, go back and forth between Spanglish and, um, and my bio dad would only speak English. And so it was put in me from a, a really young age, you're gonna speak both languages. And I would, I did not like it at first 'cause it was frustrating 'cause I was acquiring both languages simultaneously. That's not typical normally. Um, but then being around the, the culture, the food, the music, the dance. There's a strong magnetic pull towards that. And so it's something that you, me, growing up at least I couldn't shy away from it or deny it. And then we have, you know, my mom's side of the family and my extended Franklin family and, you know, we, we see, uh, the music there and we see like the pride in presentation and how you present yourself and how you walk out the house. We see the discipline that comes, you know, with, uh, being a part of a black household and how hard our parents and our, our aunties and our uncles worked in. Um, that was embedded in me as well. And so there's two sides, you know, of the same coin. They have a lot of similarities. Um, and then the differences are not as, as pronounced as you would think.

So like, well, let me, let me back up first. So was I what? I was, I was too tough was disciplinarian, um, when you were a kid or what, what was I,

no, I, you know, my cousins would probably say something different, but because I'm the, I'm the oldest and I'm a girl, you know, I had a different experience.

Oh, you saying Antoine and Anthony and all the other Absolutely. Yeah.

Yeah. That was tough. Now, I, I witnessed that, but I wasn't as hardheaded as them. So naturally I didn't get it as, as, as tough as everyone

else did. No, you did not get it as much as they did, right. Because they were boys and Yeah, they were hardheaded, but yeah. But let's back up though, right. Um, so living in two worlds, you going to school, um, you have a pool on both sides. How did that make you feel? What, what was the experience of of being in those two worlds and how did you think, or how did the world see you? Talk a little bit about that.

I feel like, um, when people looked at me, especially, you know, when I was younger, they just looked at me with confusion like, what is she, you know, is she white? No, her hair's a little too coarse to be white. Um, you know, and the way that she is carries herself, you know, they just didn't know. Um, and so, you know, I was taught as a young girl to be proud of my, you know, heritage and so I would let them know. Um, but deep inside, I, you know, was still walking around with a little bit of confusion just because I didn't fit in necessarily with one group. Um, and biases are, are taught very. From a very young age, you know, in the home. And so, um, there wasn't necessarily a lot of acceptance, so I didn't grow up with a, a huge friend group. Um, everywhere we moved to, I would make one or two friends, and those would be my steady friends. Um, and then I had to adapt often and be flexible and, um, which is probably why I managed change so well as an adult. Um, because living in Connecticut and then living in Michigan, you know, you make friends, but then if I'm, you know, if it's time to go back in those days, you know, there, there wasn't too much of, um, you wouldn't hear too much of a protest from me because back in those days, you know, the children, they did what the parents asked of them, and we didn't have too much of a say so or too much of an opinion. Like my children do today.

Yeah, yeah. That's true. No, because we didn't, we didn't, we didn't allow that. Right, right. But all that being said, that doesn't mean that it's a hundred percent right. Even in that situation. Right. Did you feel confused? Did you feel like you wasn't worthy? Did you feel that something's missing? Um, yeah. You only had a couple friends, but was that because you didn't think other people liked you or you were still, because, you know, one of the things is, I remember, you know, when I was growing up and you know this Uncle Troy and Auntie Dee and Auntie Karles they looked totally different than me. Right. They're lighter, they're fairer skinned. I'm, I was the dark skinned one. I even, I was the older one. And so when you, when I was living in, at home and I see my brothers and sisters, and they're my brothers and sisters, but they don't look like me. Right. All of a sudden that just, it just bothered me. Because I was looking for somebody to look like me. My mother looked like me. Right. But I didn't, I didn't see me, my father, I didn't, so that thing bothered. I didn't say nothing to nobody, but it really internally bothered me because it's like, I don't fit in here. Okay. Because, you know, a lot of colorism and stuff was going on and still goes on. And so being dark skinned, you know, and at least I thought was, uh, a negative, um, right. And then kids would tease me at school and call me, you know, black, uh, whatever, tar. And these wasn't white kids, to be fair? Mm-hmm. Okay. These were black kids. Okay. And so if you were lighter skinned, everybody loved you, okay? But if you were dark skinned, then you were the bottom of the bottom. And so growing up that way. Then seeing my brothers and sisters who were lighter skinned, it made me feel like I said inferior. And it bothered me. I didn't even wanna wear white shirts or any light colors because I didn't want, you know, I thought it would accentuate my dark skin. Right. Mm-hmm. So talk about, was there, did you have any of that? And if you didn't, that's fine, but was there, uh, you know, times where you felt like misaligned or not connected, or confused or shamed? Um, let me hear it.

Absolutely. Um, dating back to as far as like sixth and seventh grade in, uh, Middletown, I remember I was in, uh, middle school there and there are these groups, uh, it was a group of, actually we had a large black population at that school. It was, uh, I think Woodrow Wilson let's say. And then, um, the guys would probably. Looking back now, they probably had a crush on me, but they teased me to no end. And I was so frustrated. You know, they would say things like, you ain't white, or Excuse me, you ain't black. You can't be black. And then me, I'm like, but I am and I'm naive. I'm trying to prove like my mom's black, you can see her when she picks me up today. What's your mom's name? Stephanie, her name. That's a white name. Her. You know, your mom ain't black. I'm like, oh my God. So it's like having to prove to them, you know, that I am in fact black and then like getting braids, oh, look at the white girl with braids. You know? 'cause my mom would keep my hair done and just thing little things like that. And um, then, you know, even going a little bit further when I got to like eighth grade, ninth grade, and into high school, um, you know, terms like, oh, she's a mutt. She's so mixed up, she don't know what she is. Or, um, you know, a house in. Right. Like more coarser, you know, language like that. And it's just, you know, it's ignorance and I hate to say it, but whoa, we, we could be professional roasters. I mean, in school and, you know, kids are, and these were, and this from black

kids. These are from

black kids. Yeah.

Right, right, right. So it's not white kids saying that it's black kids.

Yeah. Yep. And I, back then I was very shy and, you know, very to myself and not really confident in myself. And so I just kinda let them talk and say what they wanted to say, but I internalized it a lot and it, it really did damage.

When you said it did damage, like, what do you mean?

I think it fed that narrative of a lack of identity and not really being sure where I fit in or who I am or know, hearing at home. Um, you know, I'm beautiful by you and hearing how proud you are of me, you know, and wanting to accept that and wanting to wear that. But then like, going out into the world and, you know, just being browbeat with all of the negativity and all of the labels and, and things like that.

You know, it was interesting. You never, as far as I know, you never came home and said anything.

I didn't say anything about a lot of things when I was, when I was younger, you know, and I don't, I I, to this day, I'm not really sure why I didn't. Um, but I've recently had a conversation with, uh, my bio dad too, and he's like, you didn't ask for much. You were pretty quiet. You weren't a spoiled brat. Like other people on the outside might think you were. Um, I had to ask you like, do you need new shoes? Do you need a new pair of jeans? I just, I don't know why I was so quiet.

Well, and, and to be fair, when I was going through those things, I didn't tell nobody, right? Mm-hmm. I didn't come home crying and saying, mama, they called me this, they called me that. Um, I was up, I remember one time when your Auntie De said something to me, right? She was mad at me and called me a black something, and then your grandmother, um, hurt her and, and, and like slapped her and like, don't you ever call your brother like that, you know? But mm-hmm. I didn't, I didn't cry, but it was just what I was getting from when I went to school. Mm-hmm. Right? And now I get it when I get home. Right. Right. So, but to be fair, I never, I, I internalized that for years. I never said that. So I, I definitely understand it. So let me ask you this, you know, how did, because you are a leader now, okay? And you're in corporate America, how did your, you know. Your upbringing and cultural heritage, how that, how did any of those things that you dealt with help you today in terms of being able to lead teams and work with people and be empathetic and all those type things?

I believe for without a shadow of a doubt, yes it has. Um, one of the things that I lead. From is from my personal experience. Um, and one of the reasons why I went into the career that I chose is because I always thought that, um, HR was cold and intimidating and sterile feeling and, and it very opposite of anything human.

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and um, with my background actually started in customer service and serving people and supporting people. Um. I found that going into that, but for human resources was my niche because I could give people a different experience. I could gently disarm people to make them feel more comfortable in approaching, you know, hr, whether it's for something simple like, you know, changing paperwork for their direct deposit to like blowing a whistle on, you know, something that's going on that's, you know, affecting them in their job. Um, I wanted to be that advocate, not just for an organization or a corporation, but I wanted there to be a balance between, I'm here and I advocate for the organization, but I also advocate for the leaders and we're not gonna forget about the team members because there is no corporation or organization without the team members. So that was my motivation. And as far as empathy, like my walk of life. Spans so many different, um, experiences. Um, you know, I've been in a place where, you know, we wonder if there's gonna be enough. We, we also have been in a place of plenty. Right? And I remember both, um, experiences and it being close to that experience, it helps me navigate how I need to show up for this individual.

When you say being close to what experience? The, the plenty or not having enough

being close to both of them.

Got it. Got it,

got it. Yep.

Got it, got it, got it. You know, so just real quick though, I wanna back up because you, your, your father, Sam said you didn't ask for a whole lot, right? Mm-hmm. But when you were with me, I remember it was this time you were outside playing. I think I was trying to get some sleep. You ran in and said, daddy, you know this kid down the street Will is bothering me, right? Mm-hmm. And then I said, uh, I said, don't worry about him. Leave him alone. Right. Just go back out and play. 'cause I was trying to get some sleep. And then you came in like 15 minutes later, woke me up, daddy Will is bothering me. Remember that? And I got really mad. I was like, all right, cut. And I went outside. Mm-hmm. And I ran up to him Will, if you remember that. And then he was like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Never bothered you again. Right? Yep. Yep. Let me ask you this. So I wanna ask you a term and I, uh, I want to hear your thoughts. What does it mean to be intergenerational redeemer?

So an intergenerational redeemer is. Having to stand in the middle of two generations, you see the things that the people that have gone before you. For this case, I'm gonna say all of my parents and my grandparents, um, they had to sacrifice. They have endured, you know, biases and discrimination. My grandfather came from Texas up to Michigan, um, to work in the fields. Um, so he's been work, he had been working since he was a very young boy. Um, and work was all he knew. Um, and so with all of the sacrifices that you all have made and with the experiences where you had to, you know, hold that in your chest and just keep going, put your head down and keep going. Um, and then me here now, um. Living in the age that I live in now and also having a generation behind me. That's my legacy. Um, there, it's so interesting because I can connect with both generations, right? But then also identify that there are some very traumatic situations that I may not be aware of, that you all had to live through and process to the best of your ability and the best of your ability may not look like what my best is this day and age. So, you know, there are different modalities of therapy nowadays. There are different resources and information available to help you, you know, get over things that had been actually happening for generations. Um, but nobody really having. The capacity to think like, hey. Um, so it seemed, it seems like there's a pattern here. Um, we don't really talk about things. We kind of just sweep 'em under the rug and we keep on going, like nothing ever happened. Um, but I don't remember. It must've been in my younger twenties where I was like, that's done. I can't like, ignore things anymore and I'm gonna call 'em out. And I know I get on people's nerves because I'm, I always want togetherness and I always want like, there to be, you know, reconciliation, you know, but that's a part of, instead of me wondering like, what, what's my purpose here? Why am I here? I know God put me here for a reason. It's like, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I would say within the last two weeks. This intergenerational redeemer is not a thing, but it's who I am. It's who I'm called to be.

So gimme some examples, right? Gimme some, give us some examples of when you say, you know, your parents and, and, and all the things that we, you know, had to deal with and stuff to that nature we did to our best of our ability. Um, but talk a little bit, go a little bit deeper than that.

Okay. Um, so for instance, um, my dad, my bio dad is a Marine. He was a Marine. He served right? I know for a fact that there are different things that he saw while he was in the service. I know that there were, um, things that affected him. But because of the type of man he is or, um, the way that he processes things, I will never know in detail, in depth, right? Mm-hmm. So I can only imagine. Um, but those things shaped how he then parented me. Mm-hmm. Um, and how he interacts with me and, you know, things like that. Um, same with my mother. There were very, um, deep, deeply troubling and traumatic things that happened to her, you know, throughout her childhood, um, and throughout her upbringing and even when, you know, she had me, um, some of them I'm aware of, but there are a lot of things that I don't know about fully. Um, I can only imagine. But they all create patterns within us. And I'm not a mental health professional. Um, but I have. Accessed, you know, those, uh, modalities and those therapies for over a decade. And so I'm very self-aware and I'm very, um, I use, you know, the tools that I'm given, I put them into use. And so with that being said, you know, even Nana, I know that she has like a, a rich, colorful history and upbringing. And all I saw was this magical woman who was beautiful, who took a lot of pride in how she loved her family and took a lot of pride in her appearance. Um, but now as a woman who has reared children herself and who has grandchildren herself, I can look back at Nana at different seasons of our lives together and just have so much compassion and empathy for her because I don't know what she was carrying. I know it was so. Right, right. But I don't know exactly what it was. Right. But now here I stand with having those lived experiences, you know, with, you know, my nana, who's not here anymore with my granny, who's no longer here, my alo, who's no longer here with us. Um, but just having some of their story and knowing that I was their first grandchild, the oldest one, right? Knowing how much love that they poured into me and how they all raised me and put their mark on me with their bare hands. I feel like it is a part of my life's work to make sure that the legacy that they left, that we are solid, that we're good, and that the legacy that's coming behind us is even better than we are. So just amongst my cousins, my cousins on the Franklin side, who are like my siblings, um, because of how we all grew up together. Um, I'm proud to say that man, we are a reflection of you guys, but like the 2.0 version, um, everybody is, you know, accessed therapy at one time or another. Like we, we recognize like we need, we need to be better, we need help, we wanna do better. Our parents, one thing that you guys had solid and down was the love. You guys poured so much love into us and discipline and correction is love. We all know that. Um, but I'm talking about memories upon memories of laughter and playing games and traveling and, you know, y'all made it happen for us. So I just wanted to salute you guys and honor you guys for that. I wanna, we wanna take it further.

Yeah. And, and so thank you. And thank you for sharing too. Right. And here's the thing, you know, um, you know, one of the things that's always tough, and especially, you know, and I just wanna say in the black community, 'cause this can happen in the white community, it can happen in any community, right? It is those generational curses where, you know, the parent, you know, had children and they were limited in, in all different type of facets. How to be a parent, you know, educational issues, um, um, um, career. Um, and, and then more importantly, how to be an example for their kid. For their kids. Because to your point, it's really about making sure that your, your, your kids become better than you, right? And sometimes what happens is. People want that, but they don't, they don't take, they don't do all the right things to do that. And to your point, because they're carrying their own baggage, they have traumatic things that ha happen to them. And so they never dealt with it. And then, so at the end of the day, you know, then you have a cycle of generations repeating itself because you know, what is the next generation gonna do? They're gonna do exactly what their parents did and 'cause they think that's the way to do stuff. Right. And then the next generation. And the next generation. And you just kind of spoke about it when you talked about therapy. Right. You know, we are growing up, if you went and got therapy, I mean, it didn't happen. People wouldn't even think that. Right? Yeah. It took me a while to finally go and, and, and, and, and, and have therapy. Right. Because it was a, a, um, um, a mental, you know, taboo. About it, right? Mm-hmm. And so things are different, but one of the things I, I always, I always, you know, for me it was trying to break that generational curse, right? Because I wanted my, I know Ana wanted me to be better, and I, I didn't want fall into the same traps, okay? Because then you know, your nieces. Um, you know, McKayla, excuse me, McKayla Madison. We wanted to set them up so then that they can then be able to prosper and then break those, that those cycles, alright? And that doesn't mean that they're perfect. They have their own issues. Everybody's got issues, okay? Everybody, so it doesn't matter about that. But it is to your point about understanding that there's ways to get help and it's okay to get help And, you know, love does conquer all. So you are a hundred percent about right that, but the thing about, uh, love doesn't teach all, okay? Love can. That's good. Love can. Um, you remember love, love make you feel good and love knowing that somebody's got your back regardless unconditionally. But it doesn't teach you how to be a man or a woman doesn't teach you to do the right thing, no matter what. It doesn't teach you. All the things that you need to do to take it to the next level and build your own family and make sure that they're squared away and, you know, bring your kids up in a way where they're going to shine and put them in the, set them up where they're, you know, using the talents that God gave them to be able to thrive versus just go outside and play.

Right. Ani, my 14-year-old is like, go where and do what.

Right? And, and, and so it is, it takes more than that. And so unless you break that cycle, you know, people tend to continue to do that. That generation continues to do that, and then that generation tends to do that, and that's where you don't get the growth that you need. And a lot of that. That's why I'm excited that you came on to share is to really acknowledge it personally. Okay. That's the key. Acknowledge. You know, when I went to see a therapist, ada, you know, and I had, I was doing things that I wasn't even aware of. Okay. Didn't even know that I created habits because of the fears I had about certain things. Mm-hmm. Okay. But then once I went to therapy and I, then I explained what happened when I was a kid, then it all made sense. Then I was like, wow, I didn't even know that. Right. Yeah. So what you're saying is a hundred percent. Um, and being that redeemer. Of trying to not just understand, but try to set up the next generation is really the key. Now let me throw this, let's pivot 'cause I wanna ask you about, you know, something that a lot of, uh, African Americans, Hispanic people of color have to do with, in corporate America it's called code switching. Talk about gimme your experience, uh, of code switching in your own professional endeavors.

So I can remember maybe about 10 years ago, um, knowing, having like a, a vision forward what I wanted to do with my career. Um, the executives always are drawn to me. Um, but then my friends in, in the workplace would be like, don't draw too much attention, you know, to us over here. Just like, let them come in, let them come out. But because I knew where I wanted to go. I would make conversations with them and I would ask them questions, and then I would get like invitations to things that they are inviting their other, you know, C-suite partners and colleagues to, um, and it may have been considered, uh, brown-nosing, but there's one thing about the whole code switching thing. Um, I know how to conduct myself, um, according to whatever room I'm in, but I have learned that I don't necessarily have to change, um, who Sam is. You wanna know why? Because a lot of those C-Suite people are talking and acting just like normal human beings. They're not all, they're, they're human beings. They're not that stuff. They're, when you get in those not star, you

know what I'm saying? They're not, they're not Batman or, or Wonder Woman, right? They're regular people.

Yep. Yep. And they have one too many drinks at the corporate functions too. So, I mean, we're all, we're all in the same boat. So once you, you know, demystify them and strip 'em down to like, okay, we're all humans. I respect you because of your position and your role. Um, but I think that that gives you, uh, op an opportunity to access them, whether it's their experiences, their wisdom, their advice, their counsel, their mentoring, you know what I mean, um, from a different lens. And once they see that you aren't acting strange around them, you know, they're, they're more, um, apt to open up to you. Now, I understand that that is not the experience that a lot of my brothers and sisters have had, you know, in corporate America. Um, but that's just my approach. I'm very, I build rapport very quickly and people are drawn to me. Um. I prob I probably get that from you because, you know, you could walk into a room and say a couple words to somebody, and then by the time you look up again, you got eight people surrounding you. So it's the charisma, it's the drip.

So, but based on that, what do, what would your message be to younger professionals of color, uh, who feel, you know, pressure to assimilate?

I would say keep your eyes open because you're not crazy. You see what you see and you feel what you feel. But in that I would not over adjust or over correct. I would go in there and be as authentic as you can, make relationships and make your allies where you need to make them. Um, if you're a person that's. An introvert. I'm not saying become an extrovert, but stretch yourself sometime. Stretch yourself. Come outta your comfort zone. Go to a networking event, especially if you wanna position, position yourself for promotion and, um, document, document, document. One of the things that I am known for is, um, my assertiveness, because if there is something that's not right, that's going on, I am going to say something about it. And my style is not like, you know, how we grew up in Hartford. Of course, I, I've, I'm polished. Um, but I think that's one of the reasons why I'm so. Respected by my executive counterparts is because, um, they know that I'm going to come respectfully. They know that I'm going to come factually and not based off of emotion or how I feel, um, but you're gonna be able to see a pattern or a trend, and then I'm gonna ask for there to be a change in behavior. And I, I say like that, there's nothing wrong with that if you're not gonna advocate for yourself. I'm telling you, there's nobody else in the workplace that way. Nobody,

you can forget about it. You can forget about it. You gotta build your own brand. Totally agree with that. You mind if I tell a quick story on this? Oh, go ahead. So years ago, this was, uh, 20 something years ago, I worked at this company and, um, in the city. And my boss, uh, was a very buttoned up dude. Um, I was an account executive, I was a sales person. He was our vp. And, uh, you know, he liked me and stuff. The thing was, is that him and I would go on meetings together and eventually he wanted me to be him. He wanted me to, to talk like him, you know, all those type things. And to be fair, I tried. Right. I remember him and I went to Pittsburgh client meeting, and I had a, a couple slides to present. I remember staying up all night long, four o'clock in the morning, making sure I get the, you know, my part of the presentation down. Didn't get no sleep. That's how, and, and so I can always, uh, relate to young professionals when you're trying to build your career, you know? So it was insane, right? And then I remember him and I going on another meeting, and I was presenting and I was fumbling because I was trying to be him. And then I remember after that I was like, I'm done with this. Think about, he was, um, you ever see the movie Trading Places?

Mm-hmm.

He was Winthrop. Okay. And I was Eddie Murphy.

Right.

Okay. And then I came to a point, I was like, I can't do this. I have to just be me. I'm gonna be buttoned up, but I'm going to be me. I'm, I'm, I'm, I am unique. This is who I am, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Guess what? I got promoted. Okay. I became the, the, the, the national sales manager because I was me. Mm-hmm. Okay. And that's the one thing that I always will tell people is that the reason they hired you is because of you. Right. Okay. And you should always be you. And don't try to be anybody else. Now, do you, is there skills or certain things you need to work on? Um, um, to, to better yourself. Absolutely. Right? But you gotta be, you, you gotta deliver. You, you gotta speak you, you gotta stand you, all those things because your uniqueness makes you special. Okay? So I just wanted to piggyback because I, that's a real life experience that I had, okay? Mm-hmm. And that was a lesson that I had to learn, and I learned that lesson. Now talking about real life experiences, you know, you've been diagnosed with ADHD, okay? Mm-hmm. So talk a little bit about that. When did you get diagnosed and how is it based on all the things that you deal with from work your ministry, how has it affect you and how have you come to, to, to understand what this diagnosis means for you and how you can show up on a daily basis?

For sure. So, um, I. You know, I have always had to work harder to, to zoom in and, and focus and be present. Um, when I was growing up, no, I was a daydreamer and, um, I was a talker and I was frequently getting phone calls home from my teachers saying we had to move her in the seating chart again. She's now at the front of the room by my desk. Um, and I just never, I don't know, I just thought I was just different. Right. It, I, I'm, I wasn't as motivated as other people. Um. When I applied myself, you know, super smart. Um, but something I think in the last two-ish years just wasn't clicking. And I mean, I don't have the, um, I guess the traditional story where I went straight to college outta high school and got my four year degree and all of that stuff. Um, so I worked my way up the ladder, um, in corporate America. And it's by God's grace that I am where I am today. I am very grateful, love my job. Um, am getting my bachelor's degree currently, but, um, I have a high profile job. And when it comes to deadlines, I never would miss a deadline, but procrastination was a thing, you know, I would wait until the last minute and even the simplest task that I know would take me like less than five minutes. It, they just seemed huge. And so, um. I just was outta curiosity Googled, you know, what does ADHD look like in an adult woman? And I could literally check off like every single box. And so, um, I made an appointment, got a referral, went to the, uh, the appointment with the, the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist, the psychologist. Um, 'cause it was a specialist that had to give me the evaluations, went through the evaluation process, was diagnosed at age 42 with ADHD. And I felt like everything in the world made sense. I, like, I, I could look at, at my life and be like, that's why, you know, I struggled so much with this. Or that's why, you know, I can start cleaning in a bedroom and end up in the basement going through old pictures and boxes. You know what I mean? Just random things. Um, and. I got excited. I know, like it seems, you know, like someone might grieve about it, but to me I was able to put puzzle pieces together and there was a solution. Um, and so I started, uh, medication and my first week on the medication I was able to do probably about two weeks worth of work in like two days. And so, um, and it's, it's helped me, you know, with my youngest child who is also neurodivergent, um, you know, have a sense of connection there because I understand a little bit what it is that she goes through. Um, and I'm able to help her with the executive functioning part of things as I learn, I teach her. Right. Um, and so that's been helpful.

You know what's interesting though, going back to what you were saying about generational redeemer. I mean, when you were a kid, we didn't know, I didn't even know anything about ADHD, right? Mm-hmm. And so we didn't see, this is the things, and these are things that I kind of regret as being a young parent and in talking about generational curses, right? It's not, here you are, or Randy or Antoine or whatever have issues with certain things, and we just thinking they just don't want to behave, right? Because that's all we knew, right? Mm-hmm. They're not listening. Okay. Right. Versus that there could be something, you know, behavioral from a, a biological standpoint or, you know, or emotion standpoint. We, we didn't even think of that. We didn't even know it, okay? Mm-hmm. And, and so that's the thing that really bothers me, and that's the thing that. For me to be a, the, uh, you know, the best person, best parent is really to sit back and learn and recognize that it's okay not to know everything, everything that your mother did before that was great for that, but that doesn't mean that's the way of the world you, so, and those are things that parents need to understand. Right. Um, so let me ask you this, you know, you, you and I have talked openly a lot about you deal with depression, anxiety, so, and then obviously you're leading a team. So how do you deal with that when you're carrying this, you know, invisible weight that nobody can see that you're. Masking and, and at the same time trying to show up positive. You know, we got this, I'm, I'm all for you. Talk a little bit about that.

So the interesting thing that I learned, um, as I was going through my divorce, um, is that I would bury myself in my work because I was excelling in, in growing and being promoted quickly in work. And so I felt like I'm winning here. I'm a, I'm gonna focus right here. Um, and at the time I did not have what I felt were like the tools to focus inward. And so I'm like, ah, that'll be there. She's never going anywhere. But it, it does weigh on you. And so if you can imagine. God, just he, I got a vision a couple days ago, if you can imagine, a hologram of Samara, right? I was like five different people. You know, you had the ministry, Samara, the parents, Samat the wife, Samara, the community, you know, servant community leader. You had corporate Samara. They were all, you know, these people. But I was really asking God in those times, like I feel very like spread thin. How do I. Do be great, you know, in what I love to do, which is my career. But then how do I also like bring myself back in? So I'm whole, a whole person. Um, and so to answer your question, it was not an easy journey at all. Um, I had to fall apart and break, um, before I was able to actually come back together. And what I mean by that is once you stuff and suppress for so long and you don't actually deal with whatever emotion is, you know, in, at the surface or in your face, and the more you ignore it, um, it's gonna, it's gonna come up again. And if you don't know how to deal with it or handle it, um, it can show up in a lot of different ways and to be 1000% transparent with you, for me it manifested in, um. Suicidal thoughts. Now to preface that, I never had any desire to do it, you know what I mean? But the feeling of not wanting to be here anymore because the weight just seemed so heavy. And so I had a day, um, and this is when everything changed for me. I had three days of utter darkness where I was, you know, just, I couldn't say much. I was in tears the entire time. I could not sleep. I had not slept well for like a month and a half. Um, and there was something that had triggered this whole downward spiral, which was, um, a breakup. Um, and so I asked my oldest daughter, I said, Hey, I'm not feeling like myself. These are the feelings that I'm experiencing. And I know that. I don't wanna do anything and so I'm asking you for help. And so she took me, um, to our local, um, mental health hospital, um, and I did intake there and I ended up staying there for five days. And in there I whew. That whole experience changed my life. I was advised by family members not to go. I was, you know, advised. Just, you know, let, let's just give you a whole bunch of sleeping pills. You need sleep. Let's, 'cause there was such a stigma on. We can't let Samara go to the hospital, right? 'cause that's gonna make her look bad, right? That's gonna, people are gonna, you know, her reputation is gonna be tampered with. But I didn't care. I just wanted to live, you know, I want, I wanted to get out of that cloud of darkness. And so with that being said, you know, my daughter stuck with me, um, through the intake process. She gave me a hug, was like, don't worry about anything at home between her and my mom. You know, they watched Ani for me and. We had a tearful goodbye, but she said, I am so proud of you, mom. I'm so proud of you for doing this. And I, I, everything that they had available for me in those walls, I call it my, my stint at Shady Pines. I took advantage of it. I was in every group session, every journal prompt, every one-on-one, um, after I slept for a day and a half. But, you know, after that I was, you know, front and center in every, everything that they had available for us to take it advantage of. And the, the most important thing that I learned that I had not ever learned before in my life was radical acceptance. And I had never learned to radically accept anything I thought. 'cause I was cute. I can manipulate and control my way into getting, you know, what I wanted, the outcome that I wanted. Um, and never learned to accept what was. And when you fail to accept what is. You prolong your own suffering. And so I was suffering in a cycle of suffering because I refused to accept what was. And so once I learned that and came out, that was a year ago, last month, I have never been hopeless another day and my life and have never had that same feeling of despair. Um, and I, I think everyone who was a part of that journey, you know, for giving me the tools that I needed, um, to come from that place and now translating it into, and this is a long response, but translating it into my work now, you know, there's a huge stigma on, I don't want people to know that I'm depressed. I don't want people to know that you've put too much on my plate. You know, people don't want to seem weak or incapable of doing the role that they've been hired to do. And so they. We'll continue to say yes to projects. They will continue to stay up all, all hours of the night to, for their output to look a certain way.

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Um, but what I'm finding is there are people that are hurting and they are afraid to say something because of how leadership will look at them. My leader, she had my back the entire way and she, she was so supportive of me. But not everybody is blessed like that. Um, and so. One of the things that I've taken very personally is I don't have a problem with sharing my testimony. I do it with wisdom. Um, however, I help leaders navigate when their team members are faced with a crisis, because a lot of 'em are like, what do I do? And I, I help them try to navigate that as delicately as possible. Um, but then also giving them resources and information so that they can actually be an ally.

That's awesome. I mean, well, number one, I love you a lot. Um, thanks for sharing that. Um, you know, I could imagine what you went through, what you've gone through, and it takes a strong person to recognize that they need help. And is willing to go regardless of what the family says, or, you know, um, we gotta protect your brand and all that type things. You wouldn't be here if you wouldn't went there. Right. Right. So let me ask you this. What does wholeness mean to you now based on that?

Wow. Um, wholeness is, wholeness has affected the way that I show up at work. Um, you know, you have a, we all have gifts, we all have talents, um, and you can be operating, you know, out of a gift because that's what you're graced to do, right? But there's such a fullness that comes when you make the choice to say, I know that I have some internal struggles and I don't necessarily know how to get to the bottom of them. I'm gonna, I'm gonna try, so I'm gonna start making phone calls. I'm gonna start watching podcasts or, you know, I need, I need to get my hands on some resources to get better. Once I did that, there's no blueprint. You know, there's no blueprint for that. You just kind of have to go by faith and, and reach out, make phone calls and make connections. And if it's a good fit, amen. If it's not, keep it moving. Um, but operating outta your gift versus operating out of as a whole person. Um, I feel like I am, I have, this might sound strange, but more authority. I have more authority to stand as the HR leader, um, because of what I've gone through. And I'm not, I can, we can make the business operate and function all day long, but I'm here for the people and I think that, um. Me being whole now I'm able to lead and influence leaders on how to lead from a whole place. Um, and if they're not, I'm able to challenge, I'm able to influence, I'm able to correct. And, um, at the heart of it all, they trust me. Um, I call myself everybody's favorite HR lady and um, you know, it shows because they continue to reach out. They continue to call and they, they trust my counsel.

Let me ask you this. That's awesome. The favorite HR lady. What's your message to people who, right now who are watching this, who are listening to this, who may be in a leadership position, they're trying to lead, but they're healing at the same time, what would you say to them?

I would say that you are doing very sacred work. And as you go through that, it's a, it's just as much about you as a person, as it is about the work and the people that you're leading. So whatever feeds your soul, whether that's, you know, finding time to steal away and take a long ride, or, you know, um, invest in a hobby. Do something that's going to pour back into yourself. Um, because we cannot lead from an empty place. And that's one of the things that I've been challenged and tasked with and it's been a game changer for me. One of the things that is free therapy for me. Dancing. I love to dance and you know, it's a different type of expression. It's fun, it's free most of the time, and that fills my cup. So you could find me on somebody's dance floor on a weekend and I am able to show up back up on Monday after, you know, folks done wore me out on Friday and show back up fresh, ready to go and um, and ready to affect, you know, those who I'm leading to be better.

Awesome. Awesome. So did you have some questions for me?

I did. So I, in my, um, true, uh, career coach hat, I always tell people that are looking for new jobs. Make sure you come with three good questions that shows that you have done your homework and your research on the company. And so I thought it would be, um, fitting to close out like this. So I have three quick questions. Dad, what is your most unsuspected guilty pleasure that nobody would ever think of?

Uh, that's a unexpected guilty pleasure. Um, that's a good one. Unexpected guilty pleasure. Um, I, I'm a big chocolate eater. I

was gonna say, if you don't tell 'em, I will tell 'em. Yeah.

I, I love chocolate. Right. I, I, that's my, I was gonna say

Oreos.

Uh, I, you know, it's funny, I ate a couple last night, to be fair, but I don't eat them as much as I used to. Right. But, you know, canned chocolate bars and stuff, I love chocolate. So, yeah, that's my thing.

Okay. That's fair. And what is your favorite memory about me or your favorite quality about me?

Well, I, I think I told you, well, number one, um, favorite memory is that you're Kiss Ada or Ada.

Mm-hmm.

Right where we danced when you turn 16. That was awesome. I, you were so mature and beautiful, which you still are, but that was the thing. So that was my favorite. And that, and then the, the will story too was my favorite. Um, you know, you coming away, daddy, he's bothering me, blah, blah, blah, blah. So that's my favorite. And then, what was the other, uh, question? You said my favorite thing, your favorite

quality about me.

Oh. So, you know, you were always a loving person. You always showed love. You always, um, and, and you were, uh, you know, your, your, your father did say it right. You didn't ask for a lot and you were always accepting of new things and new people, you know. And, you know, we moved around a lot and there was a lot of turmoil and not turmoil in a bad way. Just a lot of things going on. We were young, we were young kids trying to figure out our way in the world. Mm-hmm. And, and you didn't cause any problems. You, whatever we were down with. That's why when I hear, you know, the things that you went through and, you know, even the, the, the thing that you dealt with last year, I'm heartbroken. And I always felt like I, I, you know, I could have been, I wish I, number one, we were way too young to be married and be parents and, you know, and that's what I would recommend to anybody. You know what, you 22, 23, 24 stop. You don't, you don't, don't even know you and you're trying to be parents and you and it, you know. So that's the one thing that I don't, I learned from it. I wish I was better then. Um, but you were just a, a great kid. Okay? You were always accepting. You always was loving. Um, and, and, and that was qualities. I you never complained. Um, it was you, you, you, you was the love of my life.

Aw. Thanks dad. Now you are down on yourself. But my last, my last question is, what is one jewel of advice that you would offer for newly blended families? Because in your eyes, you probably don't think you did it well, but in my eyes, it was a cornerstone of my childhood. I think you did it splendidly because look it, we're still here. You're still my dad. That's how well we blended.

Yeah. I mean, so, you know, and again, you, you talked about healing while leading. Right? And so I can relate to that because when we all came together, you know, me and your mother, um, you were three years old, we got married, right? And. Then I had to, you know, I don't wanna say deal with, but you know, I had your, your biological family, your father and your, your grandmother and grandfather and aunts and I had my family. So I was, you know, I was, to be fair, I was, I was nervous because, you know, I had to deal with a lot of different people. Mm-hmm. Okay. I never said nothing, but I just, I was just, and I was young. And, um, the advice I would give to blended families is that, you know, communication is key. And more importantly, recognize, because it is blended, um, everybody's gotta be on the same page. And the kids, the parents need to spend time with their kids and really walk them through. Of this is our family and make sure that everybody feels secure and loved because you know, you went through stuff as a kid that I knew nothing about.

Mm-hmm.

Okay. To be honest, and I think, you know, communication is the key and it can't be kids just do what we tell you to do. You gotta listen to the kids. They're a part of it. They, they have brains. They're human, they're dealing with stuff. So you have to have all the communication. You gotta be willing to accept and listen to everyone. And then, you know, nothing is perfect. You know, adapt and make changes and try to perfect it. You know, at the end of the day, everybody's doing the best they can, okay? Mm-hmm. But the one thing that you wanna make sure is that the home is everybody's castle. And that the home, the ki you can't control. What I couldn't control when you went out to work, I mean, went out to school and they were calling you names. Mm-hmm. But what could control is that you felt love, you felt listened to. You felt heard. You felt you had a safe space, Don, when you came home, the world was blocked out. Those are the things that's most important, right? Mm-hmm. And communicating to making sure that everybody feels that they're loved, they have a safe space, and that their, uh, words and their thoughts matter.

Mm-hmm.

They matter, right? And if you can do that, everything else will take care of itself. That's just my, my 2 cents.

I love that. I think that's a perfect way to put that. And I, I just, I have to say this and you'll remember it, but go Diamond.

Go Diamond. That's when I was in the Amway business. Right. I was gonna get rich. Yes. Right.

Yep. But to

be fair, I learned so much in there and that what catapult me to where I am today. So, you know, sometimes you think things are gonna come get you, you're gonna do things and there's gonna be a result, a direct result, a direct, uh, uh, uh, um, a direct, uh, uh, finding or direct, uh, reward, I should say A direct reward. Mm-hmm. That comes directly from it. And sometimes it's not, it comes from other places, but had you not gone through that and learned all the things that help you grow, you wouldn't have been prepared for all the other things that come through. So, but for you, final thoughts, final thoughts. Where do you wanna leave the audience?

You know, final thoughts. I wanna leave the audience with this. Um, learn who you are. Take, take some time to actually learn who you are, become familiar with yourself. We look in the mirror and sometimes we like rush away, you know, because you don't, you don't wanna deal with that, or it's a little bit mis mystical or, but really get acquainted intimately and inwardly with who you are. What makes you tick? What are your dislikes? What are your likes? And show up as authentically as you possibly can. Some people are gonna love you. Some people are gonna hate you. We bless them both. And we move on and we continue to build on, um, in this path called life. Um, and. Do whatever you can to be an ally to people. Be gentle, be soft with people that you know are, um, going through a hard time. Be an ear. If you can't be an ear, find an ear for that person. Um, and I, I tell you, that will go a long way if you, if you don't have the capacity to do it, um, there's someone else around that will have the capacity, and you still are having a hand in changing that individual's life because you sounded the alarm for them. So that's what I leave you with.

I, I love those. That is awesome. Thank you. Final question. How can A Black Executive Perspective podcast help you?

Hmm, oof. I think, um, not in any new way that I, that hasn't been done right now. Keep, listen, keep, keep, um, having uncomfortable conversations. Those are my favorite. I love healthy confrontation and, um, keep winning. Dad. I am literally climbing upon the shoulders of everything that you've built over the last 30 years, and I think that you pioneering all of this ground for me has made it easier for me. So I honor you and I thank you, dad.

Well, I thank you for coming on. I thank you for being who you are and it takes a lot of courage to come on and share. Um, so thank you. I love you a lot and I wanna happy more. You know, thank Samada Tobar for coming on A Black Executive Perspective podcast and sharing her perspective and her story. You stay right there. So I think it's now time for Tony's tidbit. And so the tidbit today, real leadership isn't about having it all together. It's about having the courage to be transparent. To bring your whole self into spaces where influence happens. Healing is not the finish line. It's a process. And leaders who embrace their humanity often connect more deeply, build more trust, create more compassionate cultures, cultures by showing honestly about your story, your boundaries, your growth. You give others permission to do the same you lead not despite your journey, but through it. 'cause powerful leadership isn't flawless. It's authentic. It's the quiet strength in saying, I'm still becoming and I still belong at this table. And you heard a lot of that from Samada Tobar today on A Black Executive Perspective podcast. Don't forget to check out the next need to know. On A Black Executive Perspective podcast, Dr. Burton dives into the timely and crucial topics you don't have time to deal with. She'll bring more insight and stuff that's happening in our world to deepen your understanding of the issues that matter. You don't wanna miss it every Thursday. Need to know. By Dr. Nsenga Burton on A Black Executive Perspective. And don't forget to fo check out and be part of our round table on our next Pull Up, Speak Up. We're bold, unfiltered, voices tackled today's most provocative issues, sharp perspectives, real talk call to action. Tune in to join the revolution. And so for if this is your first time listening and watching A Black Executive Perspective podcast, our goal, our mission is to decrease and eliminate all forms of discrimination. And for us to do this, we're asking everyone to follow this acronym, which we call less LESS. The L stands for learn. You wanna learn about other racial and cultural nuances that you're not familiar with, that's going to enlighten you. And then the E stands for empathy. Now, since you've learned, you can put yourself in your friends and colleagues shoes because now you understand what they're dealing with. The first S stands for share. You wanna share what you've learned to other people so they can be enlightened. And then the final S stands for Stop. You wanna, we wanna stop discrimination as it walks in your path. So if Aunt Jenny or Uncle Joe says something at the Sunday dinner table that's inappropriate, you say, aunt Jenny, uncle Joe, we don't believe that. We don't say that. And you stop it right there. So if everyone can incorporate less, LESS will build a more fair, more understanding world, and we all will see the change that we wanna see because less. We'll become more. You can watch and listen to A Black Executive Perspective podcast on YouTube, apple, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcast. And don't forget to follow us on our social channel. So LinkedIn, x, YouTube, Instagram, Facebook at a black exec for our fabulous guests, Sam Tobar. I'm Tony Tidbit. We talked about it. We learned about it, we laughed about it. We're gonna continue to strive about it and we're gonna thrive about it. We love you. And guess what? We're out

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