andrea (00:00)

Mediation needs to be looked at as a gift and not something that you are forced to do. I'm gonna tell you how and why, on this mini episode of How Not to Suck at

Okay, I know you're thinking, Andrea, you are absolutely insane, mediating is no gift, but it is.

Because this is an opportunity where you can negotiate for what you want and what is in the best interest for you and your children, and you do not have a third party like a judge making any kind of a ruling. In addition, if God forbid, mediation goes absolutely sideways and you think you walk away with, my God, that was the hugest waste of time.

It was not because you gained some information as to what your soon-to-be ex really wants, what is making them tick, and what do they have the death grip on? Now, the biggest area where people make a massive mistake when it comes to mediation is they go into it completely blind.

They do not prepare at all. They just have it on their calendar and they think, all right, next Wednesday I'm going into mediation. What's gonna happen? I don't really know. What do I want? Funny you should ask. I have really no idea. Big fat mistake.

You absolutely have to prepare for mediation. And how do you prepare for mediation? You have to set an appointment with your attorney.

You need to have a concrete list. And when I say concrete, I mean written down, either in a typed-out document or old-fashioned, take pen to paper. You need to write down what you want in terms of what you're mediating.

You're gonna be covering a specific topic. It's not gonna be like the whole gamut of every single issue that you've got going on in your divorce. So, within that topic, what do you really want? You gotta be clear on that. Some people think, well, it's obvious what I want. Here's what happens in mediation: you're going to get distracted.

By whatever the other side is gonna throw your way, and it's really easy to lose sight of what brought you in that door. So you've gotta have it written down. When you write your wants down, you have to ask your attorney Is what I want realistic?

If it is realistic, then what are the steps that we are going to take to get this? You need to have a strategy. By not having a strategy for your mediation, it's almost like rolling in without any plan at all. You could have what you want written down, but if you don't have the steps that you need to take to get what you want, then that's not going to get you anywhere.

What do I mean by that? Well, you and your attorney have to decide, are we gonna come right out and say, here are all of our cards, here's everything on the table, right off the bat, this is what we want, no room to negotiate, take it or leave it. No, probably not. Because if you're not ready to play ball and negotiate, then what the hell are you doing in mediation? So that goes back to the strategy.

What are the steps that you are going to take to get you closer to what you want? And within what you want, is there some wiggle room?

You have to think and be prepared for what the other side, not only what they might want, but what might they throw your way in terms of helping them?

get what they want. Mediation can feel like an obnoxious process of going back and forth. But again, going back to the idea that this is a gift, this is an opportunity to get closer to what you want without a third party stepping in

A judge doesn't know your children. A judge doesn't know your soon-to-be ex-spouse. Your judge is then gonna be tasked with making a major decision that, to be honest, they really don't want to make. Judges don't like having to make these kinds of rulings.

want you guys to figure this stuff out outside of court.

Not only does your attorney need to help you see what your ex could be throwing your way as far as what they want, you and your attorney should be armed with a likely outcome of mediation in general, so you're not blindsided. Your attorney should be able to give you the best case scenario, the absolute worst case scenario, and then in their experience,

What's likely to happen? And here's how you get that from your attorney. You ask for it. You say to your attorney, help me understand the most realistic outcome that I should expect from this mediation with each thing that you want. Here's what I want. Is my want realistic? Okay, great. What are the steps that I need to take to get there? Okay, now, in your opinion.

From what we know so far, based on what I've told you about my soon-to-be ex, based on the exchanges you've had with their attorney, how do you think that this is gonna go? And what's a realistic expectation? What are some realistic sweeteners that I can put in there? And at what point do I offer those sweeteners up?

The last thing that you absolutely need to do before you roll into mediation, you need to know who your mediator is. And you have to make sure that this is a mediator that you are comfortable with. You have to have a conversation with this mediator before you just go into mediation. And if you want to know more about that on the next episode, of How Not to Suck a Divorce, we are gonna give you a

peek behind the curtain with a absolutely amazing mediator who tells you exactly what you should be asking on that call with the mediator and everything else that you need to know. But the whole point of this conversation is you should not be blindsided. You should not look at mediation as a waste of time. You should not look at mediation as something that you have to do.

You should look at mediation as something that you get to do. It is one step closer to helping you get what you want. I know that it's really hard to look at things that way. I know that you're looking at this entire divorce process as like, this is not something that I want to do at all, Andrea. Are you on glue? I know. And you have to go through it. So you might as well.

Reframe your mind to look at this as something positive. If you go into this thing with a negative opinion in your gut, it ain't gonna go well. There's gonna be a lot of this divorce process that you are not going to like. There's gonna be a lot of this process that feels like, shit, what are they making me do now?

Your mindset is everything. Your mindset is what is going to get you out of this thing or through this thing, I should say, in one piece. Divorce is a marathon. It is not a sprint. You're not going to be going in through mediation every single day. But a lot of days you are going to be tasked with thinking. And like we tell you all the time, the more that you can quiet.

All of those really big, scary emotions inside your body, the more clearly you're going to be able to think. And you've got to be able to think, and you have to be able to form a strategy with your attorney. Going into mediation unprepared is on you. You have the choice.

How prepared do you want to be as you enter this really crucial part of getting a divorce? Do not waste your mediations. Make sure you listen to the next full episode of How Not to Suck at Divorce. Make sure that you subscribe to this show, rate, and review us. I hope you guys are liking these mini episodes. We are working hard to bring you so much content so we can get in your ears twice a week to help you.

Swim through this process. I know that it's not easy. I know that it makes you want to scream and throw up at the same time. I promise you, you are going to get to the other side of this thing. We're here for you. We love you and we are cheering you on. You have got this, my friends. And we have got you.