1
00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:10,860
welcome to social skills coaching where you 
learn to be more likable more charismatic  

2
00:00:10,860 --> 00:00:16,560
and more productive today is February 7th 2023.

3
00:00:20,100 --> 00:00:24,540
what's your favorite movie what would 
you save if your house was on fire  

4
00:00:25,860 --> 00:00:33,240
what animal can you see yourself as in today's 
episode from Patrick King's book how to extract  

5
00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:38,340
info we'll learn how to use these and 
other seemingly innocuous hypothetical  

6
00:00:38,340 --> 00:00:45,480
questions to understand a person's deeper values 
perspectives and goals thanks for joining us today 

7
00:00:52,380 --> 00:00:57,900
Observations allow you to gather the “low hanging 
fruit” when it comes to information about people.

8
00:00:58,740 --> 00:01:02,100
A lot of what you want to know 
is right there for the seeing.

9
00:01:02,820 --> 00:01:08,400
Questions, however, take things a step further 
and actively elicit information from people,  

10
00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:11,880
note merely observing their 
reaction to their environment  

11
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:14,460
but creating a stimulus that they respond to.

12
00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:20,340
The great thing about questions is that you can 
target and guide the person in front of you,  

13
00:01:20,340 --> 00:01:24,240
so they share with you a response 
you can analyze more closely.
 
 

14
00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:27,660
The most skillful form of questioning,  

15
00:01:27,660 --> 00:01:33,180
as you can probably guess, is subtle 
and natural so it is never detected.

16
00:01:34,140 --> 00:01:37,980
Ordinary conversation can conceal 
your more deliberate intentions,  

17
00:01:37,980 --> 00:01:44,100
if only you ask questions that seem relaxed, 
unobtrusive and appropriate to the situation.

18
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:48,420
In the same way that we can miss 
valuable information about others  

19
00:01:48,420 --> 00:01:53,160
because we simply don’t observe what’s 
right in front of us, we can also fail to  

20
00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:57,660
understand those around because we’re not 
really listening when they respond to us.

21
00:01:58,860 --> 00:02:03,240
Through innocent questioning, we can 
uncover a host of information that  

22
00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:07,140
represents an entire worldview or set of values.

23
00:02:07,140 --> 00:02:11,340
For instance, what if you were to ask 
someone where they obtained their news  

24
00:02:11,340 --> 00:02:16,500
and which television channel, which 
set of publications, which magazines,  

25
00:02:16,500 --> 00:02:19,620
and which pundits or hosts they preferred?

26
00:02:20,460 --> 00:02:24,420
It’s a prime illustration of an 
indirect question that lets you  

27
00:02:24,420 --> 00:02:26,040
understand quite a bit about how they think.

28
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:32,580
Yes, it involves a bit of extrapolation 
and guesswork, but at least there’s a  

29
00:02:32,580 --> 00:02:37,620
concrete piece of information to go on 
and many concrete associations with it.

30
00:02:38,460 --> 00:02:42,840
The answer to one question spurs another, 
more targeted question, and so on.

31
00:02:43,860 --> 00:02:46,560
Combined with the observation 
techniques already covered,  

32
00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:52,260
you can see how a simple interaction can provide 
a rich, three dimensional view of a person.

33
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:58,440
We start this chapter with some of these 
indirect questions before going even more  

34
00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:03,660
in-depth by asking people for stories 
and seeing what we can glean from those.

35
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:09,420
These questions are phrased to 
challenge and inspire deep thought.

36
00:03:09,420 --> 00:03:12,660
They ask people to dive deeper so that  

37
00:03:12,660 --> 00:03:15,960
we can begin to understand their 
behavioral and thought patterns.

38
00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:17,460
1.

39
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:24,120
What kind of prize would you work hardest for, and 
what punishment would you work hardest to avoid?

40
00:03:25,500 --> 00:03:30,420
The answer to this question might help identify 
the true motive behind an individual’s drive.

41
00:03:31,860 --> 00:03:35,040
Beyond surface-level things, 
what is really motivating people?

42
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,080
What do they really care about?

43
00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:40,020
And what type of pain or pleasure matters to them?

44
00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:46,920
On an instinctual level, what really matters 
the most in both a positive and negative way?

45
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:50,700
In a way, this answer also reflects values.

46
00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:55,740
For example, gamblers all 
want one prize: the jackpot.

47
00:03:55,740 --> 00:03:59,460
They try and try again, whether 
it be with scratchers or slot  

48
00:03:59,460 --> 00:04:02,100
machines to try and win the big prize money.

49
00:04:02,940 --> 00:04:05,280
Are they motivated by winning back their losses?

50
00:04:05,940 --> 00:04:08,220
Is their hope to become 
richer than they can imagine?

51
00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:13,620
Do they actually want it, or are they filling 
a void and keeping themselves distracted?

52
00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:16,140
Why are they working so hard?

53
00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:21,480
You might surmise that their motivation is 
the thrill and rush of the risk involved.

54
00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:25,380
Do they care about making steady 
pay or finding their purpose?

55
00:04:25,380 --> 00:04:27,960
Maybe, and maybe not.

56
00:04:28,620 --> 00:04:32,280
When you can dig into what 
someone wants the most and why,  

57
00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:36,840
you can often find what is driving 
them without having to ask it directly.

58
00:04:37,740 --> 00:04:41,100
The way people answer this question 
will clearly tell you their priorities  

59
00:04:41,100 --> 00:04:44,640
and what they consider pain 
and pleasure in their lives.

60
00:04:45,900 --> 00:04:49,020
Look for the emotion behind people’s answers here,  

61
00:04:49,020 --> 00:04:51,780
and you can get a pretty 
good read on their values.

62
00:04:52,620 --> 00:04:58,200
A goal of rising to CEO-level 
doesn’t just exist in a vacuum—what  

63
00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:02,640
are the feelings, emotions, and fulfilled 
expectations that come from wanting it?

64
00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:06,600
Likewise, wanting to avoid being poor speaks  

65
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:10,680
to very specific desires for 
security and safety from danger.

66
00:05:11,820 --> 00:05:12,420
2.

67
00:05:13,260 --> 00:05:19,140
Where do you want to spend money, and where do 
you accept skimping on or skipping altogether?

68
00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:26,400
This answer reveals what matters to someone’s 
life and what they want to experience or avoid.

69
00:05:27,300 --> 00:05:31,620
This is not really about the item or items 
to be purchased; there comes a point where  

70
00:05:31,620 --> 00:05:37,140
material belongings no longer have a use, and 
it’s about what those items represent and provide.

71
00:05:37,140 --> 00:05:42,300
For example, sometimes, spending money 
on experiences instead of a new purse  

72
00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:46,440
has the potential to improve someone’s 
overall well-being and outlook on life.

73
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:51,900
Again, look for the underlying emotions 
and motivations behind the answer.

74
00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:58,140
So what do you have no problem splurging 
on, and what doesn’t matter to you?

75
00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:02,100
For instance, when deciding 
on vacation expenditures,  

76
00:06:02,100 --> 00:06:07,020
people may opt to splurge on an epic boat 
excursion and stay in a shabby hotel.

77
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:13,080
This reveals their desire to experience an 
unforgettable moment rather than staying  

78
00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:17,220
in a nice hotel with golden toilets, 
which they view as a waste of money.

79
00:06:18,180 --> 00:06:21,060
Others might opt for the opposite and revel  

80
00:06:21,060 --> 00:06:23,880
in their creature comforts while 
not seeing much of the scenery.

81
00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:28,500
In either case, they’ve used their 
money to quite literally identify  

82
00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:30,900
and spend toward their priorities and values.

83
00:06:31,980 --> 00:06:34,800
Where your money goes is an important 
part of what makes you happy,  

84
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:39,240
so if you can pay attention to where you 
let it flow and where you cut it off,  

85
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:42,900
you’ll immediately know what 
matters to you on a daily basis.

86
00:06:44,340 --> 00:06:49,620
Contrast this question to if you were to ask 
someone, “What do you value in your daily life?"

87
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:54,060
Again, there is a concrete answer here to analyze.

88
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:59,940
This same principle applies 
equally to time, money, and effort.

89
00:06:59,940 --> 00:07:03,540
Where these things flow, whether 
consciously or unconsciously,  

90
00:07:03,540 --> 00:07:06,060
represents the values people possess.

91
00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:08,700
3.

92
00:07:09,660 --> 00:07:15,300
What is your most personally significant 
and meaningful achievement and also your  

93
00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:17,580
most meaningful disappointment or failure?

94
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:24,600
It’s common that experiences, whether they’re 
good or bad, shape people into who they are.

95
00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:28,920
Achievements and failures tie 
into how someone sees oneself.

96
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:34,740
Significant experiences also tend to 
create their self-identities—you are  

97
00:07:34,740 --> 00:07:38,040
this kind of person because you 
did this and succeeded or failed.

98
00:07:38,820 --> 00:07:42,360
We can’t escape the fact 
that past occurrences will  

99
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:45,540
often influence our current and future actions.

100
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:50,160
They don’t have to, but this isn’t 
a book about changing your mindsets.

101
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:54,900
The point is that large events will 
reverberate throughout our entire lives.

102
00:07:54,900 --> 00:08:00,240
So this question will get a response about how 
people view themselves, for better or worse.

103
00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:05,760
Failure will painfully poke perceived 
flaws they hate about themselves,  

104
00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,580
while achievements will bring up 
the strengths they are proud of.

105
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,000
A career woman who has worked her way up the  

106
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,640
corporate ladder might proudly 
reflect on her accomplishment.

107
00:08:15,420 --> 00:08:18,120
Why does she consider this 
her greatest achievement?

108
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:23,100
Because she values independence, 
resilience, and determination,  

109
00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:27,180
and that’s exactly what it takes 
to get to that career pinnacle.

110
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:31,380
She looks back to the things she did 
in order to get that corner office,  

111
00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:34,140
and she feels positively about them.

112
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:39,480
Thus, the answer about her career 
accomplishments is actually a story  

113
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:44,760
about the positive traits she utilized 
in reaching that point—her self-identity.

114
00:08:45,780 --> 00:08:51,120
You can imagine that the same negative 
type of self-identity might unfold if the  

115
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:55,620
same woman were to talk about her failures 
and ended up in a job that she despised.

116
00:08:56,340 --> 00:08:59,460
Those are the exact things she hates the most.

117
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:03,540
The way that people answer this 
question shows who they want to be,  

118
00:09:03,540 --> 00:09:09,180
and this is reflected in exactly how their 
expectations have either been fulfilled or not.

119
00:09:11,340 --> 00:09:12,180
4.

120
00:09:12,180 --> 00:09:15,960
What is effortless and what is always exhausting?

121
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:21,900
This is a question that is designed to 
better understand what people actually enjoy.

122
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:26,340
Something that is effortless 
isn’t always an innate talent,  

123
00:09:26,340 --> 00:09:29,400
but rather an indication that they enjoy it.

124
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:33,540
On the other hand, something that is 
always exhausting is not always about  

125
00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:38,820
people’s lack of competency, but rather 
a distaste for the actual activity.

126
00:09:38,820 --> 00:09:45,060
Thus, answers to this question can indicate 
where people find natural joy and enjoyment,  

127
00:09:45,060 --> 00:09:47,280
even if they don’t realize it themselves.

128
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:52,560
For instance, as a baker answers 
this question, she may recognize  

129
00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:57,420
her rather mediocre capacity for creativity for 
blending ingredients together to make a dessert.

130
00:09:58,140 --> 00:10:02,340
Although she is above average, she 
is not naturally talented at it,  

131
00:10:02,340 --> 00:10:06,060
and it has been very difficult 
for as long as she can remember.

132
00:10:07,620 --> 00:10:10,680
She was not innately talented 
with culinary creativity,  

133
00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:15,540
and yet she finds joy in it such 
that she is always driven to it.

134
00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:20,760
It’s challenging but effortless in a 
way that she doesn’t grow tired of.

135
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:26,040
On the other hand, she may have a natural 
talent in understanding and following  

136
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:31,200
traditional recipes—yet it is not something 
that she values or particularly cares about.

137
00:10:31,860 --> 00:10:35,520
If we were to look at only her innate talents,  

138
00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:39,960
we would conclude that she should stick 
to only executing the dishes of others.

139
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:43,140
But it’s simply not what she values.

140
00:10:43,740 --> 00:10:46,440
As mentioned previously, wherever our time,  

141
00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:51,000
effort, energy, and money 
goes, such are our values.

142
00:10:52,980 --> 00:10:53,580
5.

143
00:10:54,540 --> 00:10:57,180
If you could design a character in a game,  

144
00:10:57,180 --> 00:11:01,080
what traits would you emphasize 
and which would you ignore?

145
00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:07,020
This question asks what people 
see as their ideal self and also  

146
00:11:07,020 --> 00:11:09,300
what they feel is less important in the world.

147
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,240
Imagine that you have a limited number of points  

148
00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:15,540
to give a person but six traits 
to spread the points across.

149
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,960
Which will you choose to emphasize and bolster,  

150
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:23,400
and which will you choose to 
leave average or even lacking?

151
00:11:24,300 --> 00:11:29,100
Suppose you have the ability to choose 
between the traits of charisma, academic  

152
00:11:29,100 --> 00:11:34,140
intelligence, sense of humor, honesty, 
resilience, and emotional awareness.

153
00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:40,980
The traits you’d choose to put the maximum number 
of points in is how you’d like others to see you.

154
00:11:40,980 --> 00:11:43,500
It may represent your current composition of  

155
00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:48,000
traits, or it might be completely 
opposite to who you currently are.

156
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:51,780
In either case, it’s more than likely that this  

157
00:11:51,780 --> 00:11:56,340
either represents how you see yourself 
or how you would like to see yourself.

158
00:11:57,060 --> 00:11:58,440
And the other traits?

159
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,960
Well, they simply matter less.

160
00:12:01,500 --> 00:12:06,240
In turn, they seek out people with 
those traits they like and are less  

161
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:08,400
keen to seek out those with the other traits.

162
00:12:09,180 --> 00:12:13,620
There are probably stories behind each of 
the traits that people might choose as well.

163
00:12:14,820 --> 00:12:19,560
A related question to ask others is, 
“What traits are common in other people?"

164
00:12:20,820 --> 00:12:25,020
This question comes from a 2010 
psychological study by Dustin Wood,  

165
00:12:25,020 --> 00:12:30,480
in which he found that people tended to describe 
others with similar traits as themselves.

166
00:12:31,380 --> 00:12:35,520
Presumably this is because people tend 
to see their own qualities in others.

167
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:40,560
No one believes that their mental 
makeup of traits is uncommon, and thus,  

168
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:45,120
they believe everyone has a similar 
perspective and way of thinking as them.

169
00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:48,600
Answers to this question are a direct insight  

170
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:52,440
into what traits people believe 
they have, for better or worse.

171
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:58,380
From there, you know what kind of approach 
they have to the world—kind, generous,  

172
00:12:58,380 --> 00:13:01,980
distrusting, mischievous, or even ill-spirited.

173
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:04,980
6.

174
00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:09,360
What charity would you donate 
millions to if you had to?

175
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:13,560
Answering this question forces one to answer what  

176
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:17,040
they care about in the world at large 
rather than just in their own life.

177
00:13:17,940 --> 00:13:21,360
Will you donate to an animal 
shelter or a charity for cancer?

178
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,960
Perhaps you would sponsor a 
child from a third-world country?

179
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,360
They all say very different things.

180
00:13:28,500 --> 00:13:32,100
You might have had a first- or secondhand 
experience with any of these causes.

181
00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:37,500
Whatever the case, it shows what matters when 
people start to think outside of themselves.

182
00:13:38,580 --> 00:13:41,460
You can see a whole sector of the 
world that they are concerned about,  

183
00:13:41,460 --> 00:13:45,000
and this allows you to see how 
they view their place in the world.

184
00:13:45,660 --> 00:13:50,820
In other words, whose interests do they 
tend to prioritize or be motivated by?

185
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:54,840
As always, look to the underlying emotion.

186
00:13:56,340 --> 00:13:59,040
Being able to ask these questions evokes a  

187
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:03,180
deeper connection to people’s 
values, ideas, and awareness.

188
00:14:03,180 --> 00:14:07,560
The purpose of asking these is 
to, again, examine behavior.

189
00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:13,920
These questions guide a person in thinking about 
the most relevant aspects of his or her character.

190
00:14:14,700 --> 00:14:17,940
They also make people think 
beyond predictable statements  

191
00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:21,180
and organically stimulate more meaningful thought.

192
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:25,500
Look beyond the answers 
and read between the lines.

193
00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:32,760
Critical thinking, evaluation, and 
reflection are the key skills at play here.

194
00:14:34,500 --> 00:14:40,020
Next, we go deeper by asking people for stories 
that they construct, rather than just a relatively  

195
00:14:40,020 --> 00:14:45,960
short answer, to see what we can glean from 
hearing their internal dialogue in full effect.

196
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:48,900
7.

197
00:14:49,620 --> 00:14:52,500
What animal best describes you?

198
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:59,820
The great thing about this question is that it’s 
a very personal inquiry hidden in plain sight.

199
00:15:00,420 --> 00:15:03,420
People are far more comfortable 
talking about certain traits they  

200
00:15:03,420 --> 00:15:06,900
admire in others than they are about 
talking directly about themselves.

201
00:15:07,860 --> 00:15:13,200
You might also find that asking this question has 
people feeling very willing to share revealing  

202
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:17,940
information that they otherwise might 
have felt too uncomfortable to reveal.

203
00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:21,300
Something about the distance that’s created  

204
00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:26,280
when talking about an animal can prompt 
some very forthright and honest answers.

205
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:30,060
People may inadvertently tell you about who they  

206
00:15:30,060 --> 00:15:32,220
wish they were when they tell 
about their favorite animal.

207
00:15:32,220 --> 00:15:37,380
Listen carefully to the person who 
says they love dogs but dislike cats.

208
00:15:37,380 --> 00:15:43,080
Ask them why, and their answer will tell you 
plainly about the traits they value in others,  

209
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:46,140
in themselves, and how they wish to be.

210
00:15:47,700 --> 00:15:51,000
The best way to pose this question 
is as casually as possible.

211
00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:55,800
Don’t make it seem like you’re grilling 
for a serious answer—ironically,  

212
00:15:56,400 --> 00:16:01,440
this attitude will quickly reach past 
people’s defenses and have them blurting  

213
00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:04,860
out information about themselves 
that can be incredibly meaningful.

214
00:16:06,060 --> 00:16:10,980
What they tell you immediately after is 
important—whatever is top of their mind  

215
00:16:10,980 --> 00:16:17,280
is the aspect of themselves they likely see as 
most important, most relevant or most fixed.

216
00:16:17,820 --> 00:16:23,160
For example, a person immediately 
tells you they’re a bear and needs no  

217
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,380
further prompting for them to explain to you why:  

218
00:16:25,380 --> 00:16:29,760
they’re fierce, protect their loved 
ones and shouldn’t be messed with.

219
00:16:30,660 --> 00:16:32,040
But if they didn’t choose a shark,  

220
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:37,140
could this mean that they also see themselves 
as having a bit of “cuddly” side to them, too?

221
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:43,860
On the surface, such questions can seem 
innocent and playful, but it’s this very  

222
00:16:43,860 --> 00:16:49,920
simplicity that allows people to respond 
most honestly—as though to a Rorschach test.

223
00:16:51,060 --> 00:16:53,880
Did they choose a carnivore or an herbivore?

224
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:54,840
A mythical animal?

225
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:56,100
A pest?

226
00:16:56,700 --> 00:17:00,480
A domesticated animal or a 
wild, slightly dangerous one?

227
00:17:01,260 --> 00:17:05,640
Such a question adds immense depth 
and color to your understanding of  

228
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:09,060
the person—and it does so in their own terms.

229
00:17:10,020 --> 00:17:10,560
8.

230
00:17:11,220 --> 00:17:12,300
What’s your favorite movie?

231
00:17:13,740 --> 00:17:17,400
This is perhaps as obvious on 
the surface as the previous one,  

232
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:22,260
but many people don’t stop to truly think 
about the huge amounts of information they’re  

233
00:17:22,260 --> 00:17:25,560
being offered when people share 
things like their favorite films.

234
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:31,620
With this question, people are really sharing with 
you the narratives and stories they’re drawn to,  

235
00:17:31,620 --> 00:17:38,640
which in turn show you in a deep way what their 
inner moral universe looks like, how they think  

236
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:44,820
of the good and bad guys, or even how they 
envision their own grand story as it unfolds.

237
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,300
What is it about a particular film that they like?

238
00:17:49,020 --> 00:17:53,280
Don’t simply assume that they identify 
with the main character—it may be the  

239
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:57,420
director or the genre itself that 
most powerful speaks to them.

240
00:17:57,420 --> 00:18:05,040
And if someone answers, “Well, it’s a very obscure 
independent Polish film released in the early 40s.

241
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:07,320
I don’t expect you know anything about it,”  

242
00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:10,860
you can infer a lot even though 
you’ve never heard of the film!

243
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:18,000
You can assume that this person values exclusivity 
and rarity, and likes to style themselves a  

244
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:24,540
connoisseur with excellent taste (i.e., what other 
people would identify as an infuriating hipster!).

245
00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:29,880
Use the answer to this question along 
with other data you’re gathering.

246
00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:35,520
What does it mean that the shy, skinny kid 
in the corner best loves a superhero film?

247
00:18:36,300 --> 00:18:42,120
What would a retired Japanese mom see in a serious 
film about the slave trade in the deep south?

248
00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:46,560
The person who tells you their 
favorite film is a comedy—does  

249
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:49,740
it mean anything that the comedy 
they choose is not a recent one,  

250
00:18:49,740 --> 00:18:54,240
but one from decades past, that would have 
been popular when they were just a child?

251
00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:57,300
9.

252
00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:01,200
What would you rescue from a fire in your home?

253
00:19:02,340 --> 00:19:03,240
You know the drill.

254
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:09,120
Your entire home is burning and you can only go 
in to fetch one single treasured item, no more.

255
00:19:10,140 --> 00:19:15,240
This is another question that taps deeply into a 
person’s most fundamental values and priorities.

256
00:19:16,140 --> 00:19:19,020
Maybe you had a particular 
person pegged as a pragmatic,  

257
00:19:19,020 --> 00:19:24,600
almost emotionally-stunted person until they 
tell you they’d save a single book of poetry.

258
00:19:25,740 --> 00:19:31,320
Crisis and emergency situations have a way of 
quickly cutting through the clutter of life.

259
00:19:32,100 --> 00:19:36,420
People may appear a certain way right up 
until their backs are against the wall.

260
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:41,520
In the film Force Majeure, 
a family finds themselves  

261
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:46,320
facing a terrifying but brief 
threat—an oncoming avalanche.

262
00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:50,580
In the few heated moments, the father 
fleas the scene, saving himself,  

263
00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:52,680
while the mother stays with her children.

264
00:19:53,700 --> 00:19:56,520
Though the danger passes and 
everyone is soon safe again,  

265
00:19:56,520 --> 00:20:03,720
the rest of the movie explores what the father’s 
actions mean—did his knee-jerk response in the  

266
00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:08,580
moment say something about what he really 
valued—i.e., himself, and not his family?

267
00:20:10,260 --> 00:20:14,160
Try to understand not just what 
a person would save, but why.

268
00:20:14,820 --> 00:20:17,940
A person who would quickly grab 
their pet cat before anything  

269
00:20:17,940 --> 00:20:22,080
else is telling you that they value 
life more than inanimate possessions.

270
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:27,060
A person who grabs their passport is telling 
you that they see their freedom to move,  

271
00:20:27,060 --> 00:20:30,420
their ability to travel, as a very special thing.

272
00:20:31,500 --> 00:20:35,700
Similarly, someone who simply tells you they’d 
grab their wallet because they had all their  

273
00:20:35,700 --> 00:20:41,400
money, cards and driver’s license in there 
is also telling you something important—that  

274
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:45,120
they are interpreting your question not 
in terms of values or hypotheticals,  

275
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:50,460
but as a literal and practical dilemma to 
be solved in the most logical way possible.

276
00:20:51,180 --> 00:20:54,000
Very different from the person who boldly claims  

277
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,640
they would save an old photograph 
of their great-great-grandmother!

278
00:20:59,040 --> 00:20:59,460
10.

279
00:21:00,060 --> 00:21:01,860
What scares you most?

280
00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:07,920
Many of the above questions are focused on 
values, principles, priorities, desires.

281
00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:10,740
But of course, you can also 
learn a lot about a person  

282
00:21:10,740 --> 00:21:14,820
by what they actively avoid, detest and fear.

283
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:20,400
This tells you not only what they do 
value, but also how they see themselves.

284
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:25,620
After all, it makes sense that you would 
fear the thing you most felt unable to  

285
00:21:25,620 --> 00:21:30,600
protect yourself against, or the thing that 
you felt was most harmful to you personally.

286
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:34,860
This can yield enormous amounts of insight into  

287
00:21:34,860 --> 00:21:37,800
how a person sees their own 
strengths and limitations.

288
00:21:39,420 --> 00:21:42,420
Someone who says “spiders” is 
going to have a very different  

289
00:21:42,420 --> 00:21:47,040
psychological makeup than someone 
who claims, “early onset dementia,  

290
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:52,200
where I gradually forget who I am and 
the faces of everyone I used to love."

291
00:21:53,340 --> 00:21:57,720
Fears are often a door to people’s 
most firmly held principles—a  

292
00:21:58,380 --> 00:22:03,840
person who is extremely morally-inclined 
and driven by justice and fairness might  

293
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:08,940
fear serial-killers, psychopaths or 
even demonic supernatural entities.

294
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:13,500
On the other hand, fears can also 
tell you what that person thinks  

295
00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:16,080
of their ability to handle adversity or suffering.

296
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:23,040
The person who fears rejection, abandonment and 
criticism is telling you that in their world,  

297
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:26,700
psychological harm is more 
serious than physical harm.

298
00:22:27,660 --> 00:22:31,860
Likewise, what would you infer about 
someone who unflinchingly tells you,  

299
00:22:31,860 --> 00:22:33,420
“I’m not scared of anything”?

300
00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:45,780
that's it for this week's 
episode of social skills coaching  

301
00:22:45,780 --> 00:22:51,780
be sure to sign up for our author's email 
list at bitly slash PK Consulting and  

302
00:22:51,780 --> 00:22:55,620
join us next Tuesday for the next 
episode of social skills coaching