welcome to social skills coaching where you  learn to be more likable more charismatic

and more productive today is February 7th 2023.

what's your favorite movie what would  you save if your house was on fire

what animal can you see yourself as in today's  episode from Patrick King's book how to extract

info we'll learn how to use these and  other seemingly innocuous hypothetical

questions to understand a person's deeper values  perspectives and goals thanks for joining us today

Observations allow you to gather the “low hanging  fruit” when it comes to information about people.

A lot of what you want to know  is right there for the seeing.

Questions, however, take things a step further  and actively elicit information from people,

note merely observing their  reaction to their environment

but creating a stimulus that they respond to.

The great thing about questions is that you can  target and guide the person in front of you,

so they share with you a response  you can analyze more closely.

The most skillful form of questioning,

as you can probably guess, is subtle  and natural so it is never detected.

Ordinary conversation can conceal  your more deliberate intentions,

if only you ask questions that seem relaxed,  unobtrusive and appropriate to the situation.

In the same way that we can miss  valuable information about others

because we simply don’t observe what’s  right in front of us, we can also fail to

understand those around because we’re not  really listening when they respond to us.

Through innocent questioning, we can  uncover a host of information that

represents an entire worldview or set of values.

For instance, what if you were to ask  someone where they obtained their news

and which television channel, which  set of publications, which magazines,

and which pundits or hosts they preferred?

It’s a prime illustration of an  indirect question that lets you

understand quite a bit about how they think.

Yes, it involves a bit of extrapolation  and guesswork, but at least there’s a

concrete piece of information to go on  and many concrete associations with it.

The answer to one question spurs another,  more targeted question, and so on.

Combined with the observation  techniques already covered,

you can see how a simple interaction can provide  a rich, three dimensional view of a person.

We start this chapter with some of these  indirect questions before going even more

in-depth by asking people for stories  and seeing what we can glean from those.

These questions are phrased to  challenge and inspire deep thought.

They ask people to dive deeper so that

we can begin to understand their  behavioral and thought patterns.

1.

What kind of prize would you work hardest for, and  what punishment would you work hardest to avoid?

The answer to this question might help identify  the true motive behind an individual’s drive.

Beyond surface-level things,  what is really motivating people?

What do they really care about?

And what type of pain or pleasure matters to them?

On an instinctual level, what really matters  the most in both a positive and negative way?

In a way, this answer also reflects values.

For example, gamblers all  want one prize: the jackpot.

They try and try again, whether  it be with scratchers or slot

machines to try and win the big prize money.

Are they motivated by winning back their losses?

Is their hope to become  richer than they can imagine?

Do they actually want it, or are they filling  a void and keeping themselves distracted?

Why are they working so hard?

You might surmise that their motivation is  the thrill and rush of the risk involved.

Do they care about making steady  pay or finding their purpose?

Maybe, and maybe not.

When you can dig into what  someone wants the most and why,

you can often find what is driving  them without having to ask it directly.

The way people answer this question  will clearly tell you their priorities

and what they consider pain  and pleasure in their lives.

Look for the emotion behind people’s answers here,

and you can get a pretty  good read on their values.

A goal of rising to CEO-level  doesn’t just exist in a vacuum—what

are the feelings, emotions, and fulfilled  expectations that come from wanting it?

Likewise, wanting to avoid being poor speaks

to very specific desires for  security and safety from danger.

2.

Where do you want to spend money, and where do  you accept skimping on or skipping altogether?

This answer reveals what matters to someone’s  life and what they want to experience or avoid.

This is not really about the item or items  to be purchased; there comes a point where

material belongings no longer have a use, and  it’s about what those items represent and provide.

For example, sometimes, spending money  on experiences instead of a new purse

has the potential to improve someone’s  overall well-being and outlook on life.

Again, look for the underlying emotions  and motivations behind the answer.

So what do you have no problem splurging  on, and what doesn’t matter to you?

For instance, when deciding  on vacation expenditures,

people may opt to splurge on an epic boat  excursion and stay in a shabby hotel.

This reveals their desire to experience an  unforgettable moment rather than staying

in a nice hotel with golden toilets,  which they view as a waste of money.

Others might opt for the opposite and revel

in their creature comforts while  not seeing much of the scenery.

In either case, they’ve used their  money to quite literally identify

and spend toward their priorities and values.

Where your money goes is an important  part of what makes you happy,

so if you can pay attention to where you  let it flow and where you cut it off,

you’ll immediately know what  matters to you on a daily basis.

Contrast this question to if you were to ask  someone, “What do you value in your daily life?"

Again, there is a concrete answer here to analyze.

This same principle applies  equally to time, money, and effort.

Where these things flow, whether  consciously or unconsciously,

represents the values people possess.

3.

What is your most personally significant  and meaningful achievement and also your

most meaningful disappointment or failure?

It’s common that experiences, whether they’re  good or bad, shape people into who they are.

Achievements and failures tie  into how someone sees oneself.

Significant experiences also tend to  create their self-identities—you are

this kind of person because you  did this and succeeded or failed.

We can’t escape the fact  that past occurrences will

often influence our current and future actions.

They don’t have to, but this isn’t  a book about changing your mindsets.

The point is that large events will  reverberate throughout our entire lives.

So this question will get a response about how  people view themselves, for better or worse.

Failure will painfully poke perceived  flaws they hate about themselves,

while achievements will bring up  the strengths they are proud of.

A career woman who has worked her way up the

corporate ladder might proudly  reflect on her accomplishment.

Why does she consider this  her greatest achievement?

Because she values independence,  resilience, and determination,

and that’s exactly what it takes  to get to that career pinnacle.

She looks back to the things she did  in order to get that corner office,

and she feels positively about them.

Thus, the answer about her career  accomplishments is actually a story

about the positive traits she utilized  in reaching that point—her self-identity.

You can imagine that the same negative  type of self-identity might unfold if the

same woman were to talk about her failures  and ended up in a job that she despised.

Those are the exact things she hates the most.

The way that people answer this  question shows who they want to be,

and this is reflected in exactly how their  expectations have either been fulfilled or not.

4.

What is effortless and what is always exhausting?

This is a question that is designed to  better understand what people actually enjoy.

Something that is effortless  isn’t always an innate talent,

but rather an indication that they enjoy it.

On the other hand, something that is  always exhausting is not always about

people’s lack of competency, but rather  a distaste for the actual activity.

Thus, answers to this question can indicate  where people find natural joy and enjoyment,

even if they don’t realize it themselves.

For instance, as a baker answers  this question, she may recognize

her rather mediocre capacity for creativity for  blending ingredients together to make a dessert.

Although she is above average, she  is not naturally talented at it,

and it has been very difficult  for as long as she can remember.

She was not innately talented  with culinary creativity,

and yet she finds joy in it such  that she is always driven to it.

It’s challenging but effortless in a  way that she doesn’t grow tired of.

On the other hand, she may have a natural  talent in understanding and following

traditional recipes—yet it is not something  that she values or particularly cares about.

If we were to look at only her innate talents,

we would conclude that she should stick  to only executing the dishes of others.

But it’s simply not what she values.

As mentioned previously, wherever our time,

effort, energy, and money  goes, such are our values.

5.

If you could design a character in a game,

what traits would you emphasize  and which would you ignore?

This question asks what people  see as their ideal self and also

what they feel is less important in the world.

Imagine that you have a limited number of points

to give a person but six traits  to spread the points across.

Which will you choose to emphasize and bolster,

and which will you choose to  leave average or even lacking?

Suppose you have the ability to choose  between the traits of charisma, academic

intelligence, sense of humor, honesty,  resilience, and emotional awareness.

The traits you’d choose to put the maximum number  of points in is how you’d like others to see you.

It may represent your current composition of

traits, or it might be completely  opposite to who you currently are.

In either case, it’s more than likely that this

either represents how you see yourself  or how you would like to see yourself.

And the other traits?

Well, they simply matter less.

In turn, they seek out people with  those traits they like and are less

keen to seek out those with the other traits.

There are probably stories behind each of  the traits that people might choose as well.

A related question to ask others is,  “What traits are common in other people?"

This question comes from a 2010  psychological study by Dustin Wood,

in which he found that people tended to describe  others with similar traits as themselves.

Presumably this is because people tend  to see their own qualities in others.

No one believes that their mental  makeup of traits is uncommon, and thus,

they believe everyone has a similar  perspective and way of thinking as them.

Answers to this question are a direct insight

into what traits people believe  they have, for better or worse.

From there, you know what kind of approach  they have to the world—kind, generous,

distrusting, mischievous, or even ill-spirited.

6.

What charity would you donate  millions to if you had to?

Answering this question forces one to answer what

they care about in the world at large  rather than just in their own life.

Will you donate to an animal  shelter or a charity for cancer?

Perhaps you would sponsor a  child from a third-world country?

They all say very different things.

You might have had a first- or secondhand  experience with any of these causes.

Whatever the case, it shows what matters when  people start to think outside of themselves.

You can see a whole sector of the  world that they are concerned about,

and this allows you to see how  they view their place in the world.

In other words, whose interests do they  tend to prioritize or be motivated by?

As always, look to the underlying emotion.

Being able to ask these questions evokes a

deeper connection to people’s  values, ideas, and awareness.

The purpose of asking these is  to, again, examine behavior.

These questions guide a person in thinking about  the most relevant aspects of his or her character.

They also make people think  beyond predictable statements

and organically stimulate more meaningful thought.

Look beyond the answers  and read between the lines.

Critical thinking, evaluation, and  reflection are the key skills at play here.

Next, we go deeper by asking people for stories  that they construct, rather than just a relatively

short answer, to see what we can glean from  hearing their internal dialogue in full effect.

7.

What animal best describes you?

The great thing about this question is that it’s  a very personal inquiry hidden in plain sight.

People are far more comfortable  talking about certain traits they

admire in others than they are about  talking directly about themselves.

You might also find that asking this question has  people feeling very willing to share revealing

information that they otherwise might  have felt too uncomfortable to reveal.

Something about the distance that’s created

when talking about an animal can prompt  some very forthright and honest answers.

People may inadvertently tell you about who they

wish they were when they tell  about their favorite animal.

Listen carefully to the person who  says they love dogs but dislike cats.

Ask them why, and their answer will tell you  plainly about the traits they value in others,

in themselves, and how they wish to be.

The best way to pose this question  is as casually as possible.

Don’t make it seem like you’re grilling  for a serious answer—ironically,

this attitude will quickly reach past  people’s defenses and have them blurting

out information about themselves  that can be incredibly meaningful.

What they tell you immediately after is  important—whatever is top of their mind

is the aspect of themselves they likely see as  most important, most relevant or most fixed.

For example, a person immediately  tells you they’re a bear and needs no

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they’re fierce, protect their loved  ones and shouldn’t be messed with.

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But if they didn’t choose a shark,

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could this mean that they also see themselves  as having a bit of “cuddly” side to them, too?

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On the surface, such questions can seem  innocent and playful, but it’s this very

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simplicity that allows people to respond  most honestly—as though to a Rorschach test.

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Did they choose a carnivore or an herbivore?

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A mythical animal?

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A pest?

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A domesticated animal or a  wild, slightly dangerous one?

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Such a question adds immense depth  and color to your understanding of

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the person—and it does so in their own terms.

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8.

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What’s your favorite movie?

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This is perhaps as obvious on  the surface as the previous one,

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but many people don’t stop to truly think  about the huge amounts of information they’re

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being offered when people share  things like their favorite films.

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With this question, people are really sharing with  you the narratives and stories they’re drawn to,

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which in turn show you in a deep way what their  inner moral universe looks like, how they think

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of the good and bad guys, or even how they  envision their own grand story as it unfolds.

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What is it about a particular film that they like?

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Don’t simply assume that they identify  with the main character—it may be the

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director or the genre itself that  most powerful speaks to them.

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And if someone answers, “Well, it’s a very obscure  independent Polish film released in the early 40s.

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I don’t expect you know anything about it,”

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you can infer a lot even though  you’ve never heard of the film!

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You can assume that this person values exclusivity  and rarity, and likes to style themselves a

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connoisseur with excellent taste (i.e., what other  people would identify as an infuriating hipster!).

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Use the answer to this question along  with other data you’re gathering.

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What does it mean that the shy, skinny kid  in the corner best loves a superhero film?

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What would a retired Japanese mom see in a serious  film about the slave trade in the deep south?

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The person who tells you their  favorite film is a comedy—does

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it mean anything that the comedy  they choose is not a recent one,

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but one from decades past, that would have  been popular when they were just a child?

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9.

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What would you rescue from a fire in your home?

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You know the drill.

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Your entire home is burning and you can only go  in to fetch one single treasured item, no more.

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This is another question that taps deeply into a  person’s most fundamental values and priorities.

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Maybe you had a particular  person pegged as a pragmatic,

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almost emotionally-stunted person until they  tell you they’d save a single book of poetry.

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Crisis and emergency situations have a way of  quickly cutting through the clutter of life.

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People may appear a certain way right up  until their backs are against the wall.

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In the film Force Majeure,  a family finds themselves

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facing a terrifying but brief  threat—an oncoming avalanche.

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In the few heated moments, the father  fleas the scene, saving himself,

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while the mother stays with her children.

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Though the danger passes and  everyone is soon safe again,

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the rest of the movie explores what the father’s  actions mean—did his knee-jerk response in the

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moment say something about what he really  valued—i.e., himself, and not his family?

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Try to understand not just what  a person would save, but why.

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A person who would quickly grab  their pet cat before anything

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else is telling you that they value  life more than inanimate possessions.

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A person who grabs their passport is telling  you that they see their freedom to move,

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their ability to travel, as a very special thing.

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Similarly, someone who simply tells you they’d  grab their wallet because they had all their

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money, cards and driver’s license in there  is also telling you something important—that

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they are interpreting your question not  in terms of values or hypotheticals,

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but as a literal and practical dilemma to  be solved in the most logical way possible.

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Very different from the person who boldly claims

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they would save an old photograph  of their great-great-grandmother!

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10.

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What scares you most?

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Many of the above questions are focused on  values, principles, priorities, desires.

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But of course, you can also  learn a lot about a person

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by what they actively avoid, detest and fear.

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This tells you not only what they do  value, but also how they see themselves.

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After all, it makes sense that you would  fear the thing you most felt unable to

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protect yourself against, or the thing that  you felt was most harmful to you personally.

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This can yield enormous amounts of insight into

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how a person sees their own  strengths and limitations.

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Someone who says “spiders” is  going to have a very different

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psychological makeup than someone  who claims, “early onset dementia,

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where I gradually forget who I am and  the faces of everyone I used to love."

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Fears are often a door to people’s  most firmly held principles—a

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person who is extremely morally-inclined  and driven by justice and fairness might

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fear serial-killers, psychopaths or  even demonic supernatural entities.

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On the other hand, fears can also  tell you what that person thinks

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of their ability to handle adversity or suffering.

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The person who fears rejection, abandonment and  criticism is telling you that in their world,

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psychological harm is more  serious than physical harm.

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Likewise, what would you infer about  someone who unflinchingly tells you,

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“I’m not scared of anything”?

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that's it for this week's  episode of social skills coaching

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be sure to sign up for our author's email  list at bitly slash PK Consulting and

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join us next Tuesday for the next  episode of social skills coaching