Heather Shannon (00:02.024)

If you clicked on this because you feel awkward instead of sexy, you are not alone. You might want sex and you might enjoy sex when it happens. But when it's time to initiate, move your body or let yourself be seen, something inside tightens up. You feel more self-conscious about how you look, how you're moving and just generally if you're doing it right. And it's hard to feel a lot of desire when you're so in your head.

So I see this over and over again in people who like sex, care about the relationship. A lot of people who have done the work, gone to therapy, read the books, tried to be more confident and just still feel awkward. So in this episode, you'll understand why that awkwardness shows up in the first place, why trying to sort of act sexy usually makes it worse, and what actually helps you feel more at ease in your body.

without forcing confidence or performing desire. So I'm gonna walk you through three specific reasons that this happens. Actually, there's gonna be a bonus fourth one. And for each one, I will show you what to shift so that sex stops feeling like a performance and starts feeling like something that you can just enjoy. So I'm gonna start by walking you through the few reasons this happens.

The first one is about how sex slowly stops being about you. The second one is the mindset that keeps you stuck. The third one is the idea of living in your head instead of your body. And then the bonus one is about some old parts and wounds. So...

Heather Shannon (01:54.156)

Okay, edit this part out.

Heather Shannon (02:01.07)

A lot of the people that I work with that have this issue are very smart, successful, capable, thoughtful women. And a lot of them are highly educated and they're also just juggling a lot, especially after becoming mothers, that's something I've noticed. And sometimes they've cut back at work, even if they weren't really planning to do that or expecting to do that. Their bodies have changed, they're breastfeeding or recently done breastfeeding.

sometimes, they just don't really fully feel like themselves anymore. So it's not a lack of effort. It's not a lack of motivation. But I do think it's about not having a clear path for nurturing and understanding your own sexual energy. And there's kind of this subtle level of judging yourself for not already knowing how to get back in touch with your sexual energy. So

Whether you kind of fit those exact demographics or not, I think this is gonna apply to a lot of people or it might remind you of your partner. Okay, so the first important point, and by the way, I'm recovering from a cold, so that's why I sound a little froggy today. The first mistake is making sex primarily for your partner. So this often happens because your partner has a high sex drive.

and because you care about the relationship and you love your partner and you don't want them to feel neglected or abandoned. But what happens is that sex becomes another obligation, another thing to do, another thing to cross off the list. And furthermore, often your partner in this case has expressed like, I don't feel wanted. I don't feel desired. Like, yes, I love spending time with you, but like I need to feel

that sexual desire from you. And so then you might also feel pressure to initiate, even though you're maybe not as much in the mood, not as much in touch with your sexual energy. And so then you have to initiate and try to be authentic about it. And you're kind of like, OK, I'm like doing this because I'm trying to please my partner, not because I'm feeling like wildly horny. But then your partner will often notice.

Heather Shannon (04:26.262)

that you're not actually super enthusiastically into it. And then that becomes an issue. So what's effectively happening in this scenario is that you're trying to perform desire rather than actually feel it. So when I'm working with people in my Pathway to Passion program, this is one of the first things I address. It's like, how do we flip the script and go from this is a thing I do for you

to this is a thing I do for me and for us. And so women especially will tell me that they're basically like monitoring themselves kind of before, during, and even after sex sometimes. So they're kind of in their heads and wondering, know, am I doing this right? Am I initiating well enough? Am I looking weird during sex? Do I just kind of move awkwardly? And as soon as they notice that,

It's no longer about their own desires. And so I'm sure you've heard in the media this idea of like dressing for the male gaze or it's kind of like it's kind of like that. It's like performing for the male gaze. And this could still apply if your partner is a female. It's not like a gender thing. but I do think that there's some patriarchal conditioning in here where it's like, this is for him oftentimes. So.

What happens here is that sex then is no longer an expression or it maybe never was an expression of your sexual energy, who you are as a sexual being. And instead, it becomes this thing that you're mentally managing. And so what I want you to do if you relate to this particular point is instead of asking, how do I give him what he wants? Like, how do I help him know that he feels loved? I want you to start asking

What actually helps me feel connected to my own desire? And it's usually not as if you have that answer immediately, you probably wouldn't be in this issue. But it might also be that you haven't asked yourself the question. So start asking the question and keep asking the question and see what you find out over time. OK, so our second point here, this is an interesting one. I will surprise myself with this one.

Heather Shannon (06:54.188)

The second mistake is having a fixed mindset about sex and being sexy. So a fixed mindset means that there's this belief of like, you know, it just it is how it is. Like some people are really sexual and comfortable with their sexuality and some people are not. And I'm just like, no, you know, some people are good at sports and I'm just like awkward as fuck. Some people are, you know, really fast readers and I'm a really slow reader, you know, whatever it is. So it's like we just have this belief that

This is just how it is. So that's called a fixed mindset. The opposite of a fixed mindset is a growth mindset. That's what we're aiming for in case you were wondering. So the growth mindset is like, OK, well, maybe I feel kind of awkward now, but I can start feeling sexy. I can kind of get more in touch with my body.

I can't get out of my head. can't figure out my own desires. It's just me a process, but I'm willing to kind of be in that process. But oftentimes that's not where we're at. So if you're if you're experiencing this like, my God, I just feel so awkward and sort of sexy and, you know, initiating is awkward and talking about it is awkward. And where's my actual desire? So there's sometimes this belief with a fixed mindset, especially around sex, that you should just know how to do it.

you should just be sexual. Like if you were good at sex, you would just naturally figure it out without any sort of on-ramp or education or even communication sometimes. I actually think this is part of why we don't communicate more about sex is because we feel like we're just supposed to know. It's like this weird mysterious story that we've all bought into as a culture of like, yeah, sex is just a thing where you just magically should be good at it.

Which is like so silly. It's so silly, right? Like think about any other area in your life. Even if you've got some natural talent, if you want to be really good, you still have to like practice. You still have to like focus on something that you want to get better at and kind of choose an area you want to get better at and work on it over time. So what if we could apply that to our sex life? There's some comparing in this, you know, the whole compare and despair thing.

Heather Shannon (09:16.238)

comparing yourself to who you think you should be as a sexual being, assuming something is just wrong with you. It's like, I'm just like the defective one of the bunch, you know, almost like there's this factory assembly line. It's like, this one just didn't turn out right. And we're like treating ourselves like that, which is, you know, let's stop doing that, please. So, yeah, the new the new paradigm with this, if we're going to get out of this mistake, is believing sex is

yeah, part of who you are, right? But it's also there's a skill in tuning into that sexual energy and expressing that sexual energy. I think especially as women, we have to go against a lot of our conditioning. And so it's not just a trait that you either have or don't. And what's so interesting is like when I work with clients in this area, as we uncover

you know, and get past some of the awkwardness, you're like, I don't know, I'm just not into it. We find that like there's protective parts in there that are like, you know, and I've seen this with male clients, too, where it's like, I've been blocking my sexual energy because sex just leads to kind of like emotional drama and messiness and distracts me from my goals or whatever. Or I actually am worried I'm to be too sexual.

And so I need to kind of keep it at bay because sex can be so pleasurable and such a dopamine hit that like, what if I just become like a sex crazed fiend? And so I think it's so interesting that sometimes these are the parts and beliefs that are underneath, you know, not it's not that you're actually not sexual. And so I'd really encourage people to kind of go on the journey to find out. So, yeah, so instead of asking what's wrong with me, by the way, your brain will answer

whatever question you ask it. So if you ask your brain, what's wrong with me? Your brain will come up with reasons. It will come up with things that are wrong with you. So quit asking your brain that, please. Instead, you could ask, what haven't I explored yet? Or what haven't I learned yet? What do I want to explore? And kind of viewing it as like, OK, what if there's this on ramp in this journey to expressing my sexuality in a really fun and authentic way?

Heather Shannon (11:41.614)

So yeah, hopefully this is landing so far. And this next point I think is a real game changer. It's kind of simple, but it's basically that you can only think your way through this issue so far, right? So these first couple points are kind of reframed, a little bit more cognitive. Now we're gonna get more into the embodied elements of feeling less awkward.

Which by the way, I've said this in other episodes, awkwardness is not bad, right? Awkwardness is because we're vulnerable, because we care, and also maybe because we're not kind of in the habit of really being in our bodies. Okay.

Heather Shannon (12:29.344)

Okay, cut that part out. So the third point I wanna make is that if you're feeling awkward instead of sexy, you might be living in your head instead of your body. Now, I say this as a person who has done this. I remember when my parents were getting divorced. I'm like, this was like, talk about awkward. My parents were like, we're gonna take you to see a priest for counseling sessions.

And I think I was probably ready pretty sure I didn't want to stay Catholic. But anyways, so they took us to a priest, but he was very helpful in the sense that he was like, you're kind of intellectualizing away your feelings, Heather, a little 13 year old Heather. And and I was like, I didn't even know that was a thing before. And so just learning that we're doing that can be so eye opening and such like a little awakening of. It's like, oh, feelings are meant to be felt, not.

analyzed and intellectualized away. know, so instead of me, I'll just use the divorce example, instead of me just feeling sad, things were changing or feeling confused or feeling like some uncertainty and just being like, yeah, I'm feeling this and that's tough. Instead, it was like, well, you know, I think it's best that they divorce and, you know, it's probably, you know, everything will work out and, you know, the logistics are handled and blah, blah, blah. And it's like, there was no actual like feeling in there, right?

And so I think especially those of us who are maybe have been good at school or love reading and words, or those of us who really interested in psychology and love to analyze the crap out of ourselves and everyone else, we have to watch out for this, right? We have to watch out for over analyzing and over intellectualizing. And as I kind of mentioned in the previous example,

when we start monitoring ourselves, you know, where it's like, okay, like I have to do this, I got to do this, right? It's like we're trying to like fit ourselves into this little box. That is such a heady process, right? And again, it's probably because thinking and thinking well has kept you not only safe, but also successful in a lot of other realms. It just doesn't tend to work in the bedroom. So,

Heather Shannon (14:56.586)

If you're second guessing yourself, if you're monitoring yourself, if you are self conscious, there's probably a thought behind that. And so finding that thought and finding that story can be helpful to kind of work with it and reframe. But the other thing is dropping into your body, I think is where a lot of you guys are going to make major progress on this. So especially this is something I do a ton when I'm working with clients with erectile dysfunction.

is like getting out of your head and into your body. And so that can look like, you know, I'm noticing, I'm smelling this, I'm touching this, I'm feeling the temperature of my own skin, of my partner's skin, I'm experiencing, you know, the nerve endings in my fingertips. I'm hearing the sounds that we're making, the sounds of our breath, the sounds of our

you know, bodies connecting or the creaking of the bed, who knows? But what I've noticed is even as someone who's very indecisive at times, I'm a Libra, is that when I ask my body for the answer, if I'm like, okay, body, you what do want for lunch? Or like, okay, body, what feels like the next right business choice or personal life choice? My body has this level of certainty.

I want you guys to just try this. I know it sounds kind of weird, like talking to your body in your head, like, hey, body, what do you think? But see what happens. I would actually love if people emailed me and let me know what happens.

Yeah, it's kind of wild. And so there's less doubt there. I think there's more groundedness. There's more presence because being in our head and really with our thoughts can take us out of the present moment. So try it. That's my advice for this one. What does my body want right now? And then getting in touch with our senses. And so

Heather Shannon (17:03.254)

movement is coming from being in touch with our body. So whether it's a certain type of exercise or I would encourage you even just like do some movement that you feel like doing. You can put a song on or something or not and just like close the door. Nobody has to watch you. Just like be in your own body and see like how does my body want to move? Right. And sometimes we just need other people to not be around in order to really do that. The other thing I want to mention with this

element is, you know, I'm an internal family systems practitioner. it's, IFS is what it's referred to typically. And IFS talks about different parts. So we have our self energy, which is like our higher consciousness and wisdom. And then we have our parts, which are tend to be more like protective mechanisms. And so our parts kind of go with the physical body. So if you feel anxious, there's going to be maybe some

chest tightness or a pit in your stomach or a lump in your throat. So that would be an example of how there's physical sensations that go with our emotions. So even just starting to tune into that and notice and sometimes we'll notice there's like a sentence or a story or an image that goes with that part too. So just by starting to tune into our body this like wealth of information and like self understanding can arise. So strongly encouraging you guys to do that.

Okay, which leads me into my fourth and final point on this. A lot of times when people are feeling awkward and just like, my God, I'm so awkward. I'm like not sexy. I don't see myself as a sexual person. I'm just like not good at this, whatever. That can come from past comments people have made, bullying that we've experienced, rejection that we've experienced.

Heather Shannon (18:58.422)

and our protective parts come in and they're like, I don't want you to be hurt. Let's just like not be vulnerable and that way you don't get rejected. know, it could even be if you're trying to initiate sex with your partner more and they've been saying no, it's like, let's just stop that. It's too vulnerable. Or maybe you were bullied for, you know, the clothes that you wore growing up.

Maybe you made your own clothes. Maybe your family didn't have a lot of money and you had secondhand stuff. Maybe you just couldn't afford name brand stuff. Who knows, right? Maybe you had all the money in the world and you just like made interesting fashion choices. Maybe you were ahead of your time. But regardless, when we have the experience of other people making comments, bullying, rejecting, there's some shutdown that can happen in our system. And again, those are parts. That's a protective mechanism that our body and mind do.

Right. And so it's not a bad thing and it probably helps at the time and there's a good intention behind it, but it could have outlived its usefulness. And so just like I mentioned in the third point, we can start by tuning into the body. Like, how do we know when this part is present? What does it feel like in terms of not only thoughts, but our physical sensations especially? And I kind of want you guys to think like

Well, you could practice this actually would be a great exercise. You could practice this with your body. It's like, OK, show what happiness looks like just from like your posture and your movements. What so posture can actually be another clue to not even just the physical sensations. What does shame look like? You you might be hunched forward. There might be butterflies in your stomach or just a heavy feeling.

So start noticing that and getting curious. And then obviously, I'm a fan of coaching and therapy and doing IFS and parts work. If you do want to go deeper, there's some great books on IFS. I recommend just starting with the introduction to internal family systems and kind of understanding how the whole system is created. So to kind of tie all this together, if you zoom out, all four of these points,

Heather Shannon (21:12.174)

kind of have the same thing in common, and that's judgment. So this idea that you should already know how to be sexy, something is wrong with you if it's not coming naturally and you're not getting the response you want from other people. And there's pressure that we wanna belong, right? And so then we like try to contort ourselves and fit ourselves into some

some box basically. And so what happens is the judgment is actually blocking a lot of our natural essence and qualities that can make sex feel natural, like our presence and our playfulness and our confidence because we're too busy trying to contort ourselves and to fit into whatever box we think our partner wants us to or society wants us to.

And so we got to start challenging that, right? We got to just be like, you know what? Who gives a shit? I'm just going to be me. And if I'm weird, I'm weird. And that's a great place to be. All right. So if this episode gave you the language for something that you have felt for a while, but couldn't quite name, that's the work that I do here on this podcast. I was going to say ask a sex therapist, which reminds me of my little announcement. So the show has a new name, everybody.

So we've been Ask a Sex Therapist for over three years. And I've been reflecting on, who have I really been creating this podcast for? And it tends to be people in committed relationships. OK, and so we're changing the name of the show. This is going to be the last week that you're going to see the Ask a Sex Therapist name in the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast artwork. So make sure you're following the show. If you're following the show, it'll be a pretty seamless

transition. If not, you're going to have to look for a new show name and new artwork. So the new show name is Sex for Couples. We're keeping it real obvious over here. And that's on purpose. I want this to be something that is like very clear, you know, who this is aiming towards. And it doesn't mean if you're single, you won't get things from it. but every episode, if you're in a committed relationship is going to be aimed at helping you go from feeling like you're stressing out about your sex life to feeling like you're

Heather Shannon (23:35.374)

having fun in the bedroom and feeling excited. So hope that that resonates with people. I'll be curious what everybody thinks. The artwork's going to look kind of similar. We're changing the colors a little bit, but it'll look similar enough that hopefully you can catch it. But again, make sure you're following the show. OK, so what else we do here on Sex for Couples is to help people understand the deeper psychological and emotional layers. That's really the work that I do.

that get in the way of the sex life that you want. So you can build inner security, self-trust, and freedom to explore and express your sexuality. So again, follow the show for more conversations about sex relationships and identity at this level. Thanks, everybody.