You're listening to the Reconnection Rescue Podcast for mothers and daughters with your host, Brittney Scott. A podcast where we process all things mother daughter relationships and the direct effect it has on the relationships we hold as adults. Hey, and welcome back. It's Brittney. When working on healing from a mother wound. Or healing, the mother wound that you're carrying around. One of the first things that I have clients process is the event. That broke the relationship, the event that caused the most pain or called the most harm or damage to their relationship with their mom. What is the event that comes to mind? When I give them that prompt in. And have them think about it. I want them to process., what. Hurts the most What is the event that, that made them feel like, you know what? I can walk away from this. I don't have to stay in this relationship. I don't have to be here. And if there isn't some big, giant major event, What is the event that brought them to me. why do they want to work through a mother role? What is what happened and why? If there isn't an event like this, then I would want them to process. What is going on in the relationship that isn't working? What is happening. That feels like boundary stepping that feels like belittling, that feels disrespectful. That feels like they're not being heard. What is happening in the relationship that is not working. So I want you to pause here and I want you to do that. Very thing. What is the major event that broke the relationship? What is the event that put into your mind that, you know, what. Maybe I can walk away from this. Maybe I can cut her out of my life or maybe I have to become a strange from her. Or what is happening in the relationship? That. Just as I'm working. Like I said, that feels disrespectful. Feels like belittling. That feels like you're still being treated like a child. Process that see which one of those areas you have an answer in? If it's all three answer all three, but pause here. Do some reflection there. What is it about your relationship or where did the relationship break? This part is important because it can tell you. Where the conversation with your mom needs to focus. If that is something that you want to do Or even honestly, something that you get to do, because there's a lot of women who would love to do that and they just don't get to because their mom could care less or maybe their mom is no longer here. So it could help you to know that this is the area of focus when it comes to having a conversation. Or it can help, you know, that this is the area where you need to have better boundaries. Or the area where you need to work through the trauma. This could be the trauma event that. Is still hurting. You are still driving some of your behaviors today that are no longer working or no longer serving you. Another area of focus is communication. How do or did you guys communicate with each other? Was it effective? Was it not effective? And how did those dynamics play out during. Hard conversations during anger filled conversations, during happy conversations, like what, what did the communication look and sound like between you guys? And maybe what was missing for you? One of the things that I've seen often when I have moms and daughters in the room together. Is true seeking. I call it that because. The two people in the room. Are going around in a circle, seeking for each other to tell. The truth in the story. And they both become frustrated. They both become angry. They both want to stop talking. Or maybe they want to get aggressive depending on how like their anger shows up. But they are mad because they are seeking the truth. Both of them are. So they're describing the other person is not telling the truth. So they're basically talking in circles because they're seeking the truth in their mind. And neither of them were actually listening to the other. I have to explain and make sure that moms and daughters fully understand. That you'll never ever tell the story in the same way. It's just not going to happen because one was a mother. One was a daughter. One was parenting. And one was being parented. One was the adult. One was the child. There, there are two separate roles. I hope I've made that make sense through those different examples. The roles were different. The experiences were different. The stories will never sound the same. And so now we have an adult daughter and her mother talking in circles, trying to tell the story in the way that each of them remember it, trying to make sure the other person's tells the story correctly, trying to make. Make sure they remember correctly. No, you said this. No. You didn't say that. No, it didn't sound like this. No, it sounded like that. No, I don't remember doing that. No, I didn't do it like. It doesn't matter because basically what they're both doing is telling their experience. You both are trying to explain your experience. And it'll never sound the same. When you are maybe talking to your mom, We're talking to your daughter and feel like you're never getting anywhere. I feel like she just doesn't listen. Feels like she's always lying or she's not. Remembering things correctly, whatever have you, you guys are probably stuck in a cycle of true seeking. And instead of fully listening to each other's experience. And listening to how the other person felt inside of that experience. You're missing each other because you want the other person to Remember the story. And the exact way that you remember it when they absolutely cannot. Your mom is not going to remember what you experienced as a child, because she needed to experience it because she wasn't a child. Your daughter, if you are the mother. Your daughter is never, never going to remember the story in the way that you remember it as a parent, because she was not a parent. She was a daughter. And so what both of you need to do expecially the mother, if you are the mother listening to this, what needs to happen is your daughter's experience, her emotions and her feelings inside of that experience that she is telling you needs to be forefront. That needs to be what you care about. That needs to be what you look for. And that needs to be what you're listening to, because if you want her to tell the story in the way that you would, it'll never happen and you guys will continue to be at odds. I have experiences where I'm working with a mom and a daughter, and it really does not matter what that daughter is saying, how she's telling a story, how she's describing the story. It doesn't matter. The mom is incapable or. Uninterested. And actually listening. And she's putting in zero work to listen and no effort to listen or care. And it's heartbreaking to watch. Because there's not much that I can do if mom really does not care. They're like it, there's not much. Anyone can do. And so it's just heartbreaking to watch and then have to break it down to the daughter that. Your mom really is not listening because she doesn't want to. Not because she can't. So sometimes you as the daughter. The goal will be to. Express to your mom. The emotions around the experiences that you want her to listen to the emotions around what happened as a child, how you felt about it. Really put the story on you and your emotions. And that can sometimes help get through. The shame or the guilt, your mom may feel that's causing her to shut down because sometimes she's shutting down not because she doesn't care. But because she feels so much shame and guilt around what she did that. She doesn't want to face that. Because facing that in her mind means she was a bad mom. That's what I've been told. that is some of the things moms have told me is that if I, if I own up to this, then I was a bad mom. And I actually think the opposite is true. If you own up to it, I think it makes you a great mom. Because great moms take accountability. But. Back to the daughter. Sometimes. You're going to have to make sure that you're practicing telling the story. Through the lens of your emotions and your experience. That way your mom can fully listen. And that's not always easy to do. And also that puts a lot of extra work on you. And like your mom should just be able to listen. Take accountability and help you guys move forward. But. That doesn't always happen. And that takes a mom. Who's extremely self-aware. And. For lack of better words that doesn't always happen. Okay, so action steps. If you can do this with your mom, maybe a best friend, or maybe a spouse or partner, significant other. Or If you have a daughter who was capable of doing this with you, I think this would be a great exercise to practice. So when you guys are talking about something, maybe something big, maybe someone was hurt. When you're having. A, a talk to resolve something. So I'm just going to talk you through the steps. This is where you're going to do. One person has the floor to talk. And they get to explain. What happened from their point of view, they get to explain their experience. And they get to explain how they were hurt and what it meant for them. And the other person can not interrupt. They cannot say no, that's not true. No, that didn't happen. Yada, yada, like there's no interruption. This person talking has the floor. To complete everything in their head. And say what they need to say. When they are done. The next person. Is going to say back to them what they heard. Not word for word. You're not trying to memorize what this person just told you. But you want to paraphrase. You want to tell them, tell back to them what you heard them say. Because you want them to know you were fully listening to everything that was said. And after you tell them what they said, you are also going to tell them how you believe they felt in that experience. So I heard you tell me. This, this is how you experienced it. And I'm assuming that through that experience, you felt blank. And then you asked them if that's correct. This is going to create a communication dynamic, where everybody feels heard and listened to. You ask them if this is correct or not. Then that person gets the, the opportunity to tell you. Yes, that's correct. Or no, that's not correct. And then they correct you. So maybe how you assume they felt wasn't correct. Like, no, I wasn't angry. I was disappointed or no, no, I wasn't really mad at you. I was just kind of hurting confused. Cause I didn't understand why you would do this when you've never done it before. Like that kind of thing. They get to kind of correct. Or no, no, you didn't hear correctly. Like, that's not what I was trying to say. So let me try again. I was trying to say. This. And so maybe they correct themselves and repeat, and maybe say it a different way so that you can fully understand. What they're trying to get across in how they're trying to describe the experience for you. And then once you get to a point where they say, yes, that's correct. So you heard them. You, you took the time to listen. You heard them correctly. And they feel that y'all are on the same page with their experience. You get to do the exact same thing. So on your side of this experience, because y'all are two different people. You're a mom and daughter, your best friends, your, I don't know, husband, wife, whatever your romantic dynamic looks like. They also cannot interrupt. They can't stop you. They can't tell you you're wrong. None of that. You get the floor. To tell your complete side of the experience and they have to listen. And then they do the exact same thing for you. I heard you say blank. And I'm assuming you felt blink in that experience. And you get the same thing. Yes. That's correct. Or no, that's incorrect. Let me try again. Or if they got the story, correct, but not the emotions. Tell them exactly how you felt like, no, I wasn't angry. I was blink. No, I wasn't sad. I was blank. Like tell them exactly how you felt hand the emotion to them, or kind of retell the story in a different way to help them understand. But when you guys are doing this, you are. Creating a communication style. Where both parties have to listen. Both parties have to talk. And you truly get to a resolution because both people actually feel heard. once you've told your side of the story, Maybe one of you will feel compelled to apologize. Maybe one of you will feel compelled to say, okay, I see where we both went wrong. I think we were trying to do this and both of us messed up. Or I now understand I responded to that when you didn't even mean that in, so. I think we were both just on the wrong page. And so the whole thing just went left. Like there gets to be some kind of resolve because both parties actually were truly heard and they feel heard. And then once you find the resolve, both of you can actually fully feel supported. And that is what we want through communication. We want to feel heard. We want to feel supported. We want to feel loved. I want you to take true seeking out of it. Stop talking in circles, trying to tell the story correctly. Trying to make the other person tell the story correctly, like just put a stop to it. Both of you take the floor, decide who's going first. That person fully gets to tell their side of the story. The other person makes sure they heard it correctly by asking questions and adding in the emotion. And then you do the same thing for the other person. And then you find out how to resolve this. Maybe it's an apology. Maybe it's understanding where you both went wrong. Maybe it's an understanding of, this didn't sound wrong in my head, but I understand for you when I say this, it triggers something. So I'm just not going to say that to you. Find the resolve that's going to help you both feel heard, supported, and loved. I really hope you'll take the time to try that exercise and create new communication styles between you and the people that you care about. And if you do, I absolutely want to hear about it. Please email me or DME or reach out, however you found me reach back out through that way. I want to know how this worked for you and what changed. I want to know what didn't work. Maybe, what did I not explain in a way that was effective? So, yeah, I'd love to hear if you try this and how it goes for you.