Welcome to the Mother-Daughter Relationship. Show the podcast for mothers and daughters who want to build stronger bonds, deepen their understanding and transform their relationships. I'm your host, Brittany Scott, licensed therapist and mother-daughter relationship coach. After years of working with hundreds of daughters. And mothers. I've developed strategies that help break generational patterns, heal wounds, and create the loving relationships you've always wanted. Each week I'll be sharing insights from real clients, expert interviews and practical tools you can use immediately to improve your mother-daughter dynamic. Whether you're struggling with communication breakdowns, navigating major life transitions, or simply wanna take your already good relationship to the next level. The show is for you. And yes, the transformation I guide my clients through can be yours too. I'll share more about how you can work with me. It's time to experience the relationship you both deserve. Are you ready? Let's dive in. Hey, welcome to the show, or welcome back to the show. I'm your host, Brittney in today's episode, I am talking to moms who have teenage daughters, or moms who will soon. have teenage daughters. We are diving into one of the most challenging seasons of the mother-daughter relationship, the teenage years. In episode six of the podcast, I discussed the six stages of the mother-daughter relationship that I believe exist. So if you haven't heard that one and you're interested in the six stages, go back and listen to episode six. and if you're interested in the challenging season of the mother-daughter relationship, that is the teenage years, then stick around. That's what we're gonna dive into today. Maybe as a mom of a teenager, you found yourself thinking, my teenage daughter is pushing me away. Or wondering where the close connection you used to have is gone. Communication feels harder, emotions run higher, and sometimes it feels like you're walking on eggshells in your own home. In the episode today, we'll explore why these shifts happen during the teen years, what your daughter might really be experiencing beneath all that eye rolling and door slamming, and most importantly, practical strategies to reconnect and build a healthier relationship during this crucial time. Before we dive into solutions, let's talk about what's actually happening during the teenage years that makes this relationship feel so different and sometimes difficult. The teenage years represent a unique and often challenging stage of the mother-daughter relationship As your daughter grows and changes the dynamic between you shifts, sometimes dramatically, sometimes small. She's developing her identity and craving more independence, which can be incredibly hard for moms who are used to being more involved and emotionally connected. girls often test boundaries, push for space and express big emotions sometimes in ways that feel disrespectful or cold. But here's what I want you to remember in most cases it's not personal. These behaviors are often signs of emotional growing pains, social pressure, and difficulty expressing what they actually need. Understanding what's happening for your daughter behind the scenes can help you meet her with more compassion and clarity. So let me walk you through what's really going on in her world, and hopefully that can change your mindset and also help how you're feeling in this time. She's forming her own identity. Your daughter is figuring out who she is, what she believes, and how she fits into the world. This process naturally includes questioning authority. Including yours. It's not that she doesn't respect you. She's learning to think for herself. She's craving independence. She wants to make her own decisions, even if she's not fully ready for them all. This desire for autonomy can come across as defiance or disrespect, but it's actually a healthy developmental need. she has to find that independence and you have to give her the space to do it while still being right there to catch her if she falls. Her brain is still developing The parts of the brain that handle emotion regulation and decision making aren't fully developed until the mid twenties. Okay? They say 25, but at 15 or 16 years old, 13 or 14. Also, depending on the age of your teenager, it's not developed yet. This is why she may act impulsively and why teenagers are so impulsive and reactive. It's why she may have mood swings that seem to come out of nowhere or just. Don't make sense to you. Her brain is developing and she's still trying to make sense of everything and you know, She needs some time to finish that part of herself. She's navigating intense school stress, academic pressure, complex friendships, college planning, figuring out her future. All of those things can be overwhelming, especially because they're all happening at the same time. Often what she needs is a break and some understanding from you, not another long lecture where you're mad at her. Okay? She's trying to figure it out. This is heavy. She's constantly influenced by social media. Online interactions can shape how she feels about herself and the world. the comparison, can shape how she also feels about herself. This can cause insecurity, anxiety, or irritability that has nothing to do with you, but gets directed at you because you're the safest person in her life. She still wants connection even if she doesn't act like it. Okay? I promise you may not believe me, but I promise she does. This is so important to understand beneath the eye rolls and the cold shoulder and her being quieter than she used to be. Your daughter likely wants to feel understood, accepted, and loved unconditionally. The pushing away is often a test. Will you still love me even when I'm difficult? Will you still love me? Even though I'm not sure who I am right now? Those are probably the questions she's thinking to herself and why this behavior feels so frustrating. Okay. Now that we understand what's happening developmentally, let's talk about practical strategies for improving your relationship with your daughter. When your daughter's pushing you away, what does it really mean? If you've been feeling like your teenage daughter is actively pushing you away first, Know that this is common, and usually temporary. There are several reasons why your daughter might be creating distance. Okay. One. She wants independence. We've already talked about this. Teenagers crave autonomy. It's part of becoming their own person. Pushing you away might be their way of setting boundaries or seeking privacy. They need to figure themselves out. She might spend more time in her room or with her friends instead of family. This doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It means she's trying to grow and develop her own sense of self and her own identity. She might be unhappy or struggling. Your daughter might feel unsafe, misunderstood, or overwhelmed by expectations. This emotional distress can show up as withdrawal or irritability. This can stem from pressure from school, social media, or peers, mental health struggles, family tension or conflict, or simply a need for more freedom or space. Okay. It's a normal teenage response. Again, this is normal. We expect some of this to happen. Okay? It, teenagers pull away at times and it's not always a huge cause for concern. They're figuring out who they are and how they wanna show up in the world. While this shift can feel abrupt or painful for you as a mother, it's a key part to the adolescent to young adult transition. If you want a successful and healthy adult, this transition right now in the teenage years has to happen. Okay, now let's talk about specific things you can do to strengthen your relationship with your teenage daughter. So number one, have open communication and never be the one to close the line of communication. No matter what she does, you're open. So make it a habit to check in regularly, even if just a few minutes at dinner or even in the car during the commute. Use open-ended questions like, what was the best part of your day, rather than, how was school the first invite? Storytelling the second can be answered with, it was fine. It's okay. I don't know. It's just school. What was the best part of your day that opens up space for hopefully more communication? Motto, active listening by putting away distractions and really hearing your daughter out. Even if you don't agree with what she's saying. When she sees you demonstrate healthy communication, she's more likely to do the same. Open the door for honest, casual conversation. Let your daughter know that you care and want to understand how she's feeling. Try not to always make it about fixing the situation. Ask what she needs from you right now and really listening. Active listening, without interrupting or offering immediate solutions shows empathy and helps your daughter feel safe coming to you in her own time. If you're always jumping to tell her what to do or tell her how to solve a problem or tell her what you would do or tell her she's wrong, you're gonna get less stories. Be a listener first before you're ever a responder. If you want your daughter to talk, she has to know that you will listen to her and you will help her figure out what to do or you'll just like, I don't know, be proud or just listen without having to give a whole lot of input. Number two, respect boundaries. Your daughter may need more privacy now, both emotionally and physically, so boundaries are key. Knock before you enter her room, don't read her messages. Avoid over monitoring her social media use unless there's general safety concerns. Don't be the parent that reads the journal. Let her have that as privacy it's normal for her to push away at times. That's part. Of growing up and figuring out her independence. Let her know you respect her space, but you're always available when she wants to talk, offer love, support, and space simultaneously, although it can be difficult. Keep showing up with love even when your daughter is distant and irritable. Simple affirmations and kindness go a long way. Let her know you're here no matter what, and that she's valued just as she is. At the same time, respect her need for space. Give her room to breathe is part of supporting her growth. Giving her space to make a mistake, but then being right there to help her fix it is part of how she learned to trust herself and trust you. Number three. Have realistic expectations. Teenagers are still learning how to manage their emotions, time and responsibilities. Expecting her to act like an adult or to always be respectful and motivated will set you both up for frustration. Try to meet your daughter where she is instead of where you wish she were. Some days your daughter might be warm and talkative. While other days she may seem distant or moody. This emotional ebb and flow is normal, especially when she's figuring out her identity and independence. A tough moment doesn't mean you're failing. It simply means you're both human and you know that as a teenager, she's figuring it out. Give her the space to do that. Number four, be the parent. Even when it's hard, even when it's tempting to be the cool mom. Your teenage daughter still needs structure and guidance. Set clear rules, follow through with consequences, and maintain a calm, confident tone. She may resist, but deep down consistency makes her feel safe and cared for. If she's being disrespectful. It's important to hold boundaries while also modeling the respectful behavior you expect from her. Let her know that her feelings are valid but hurtful. Language and behavior is not acceptable for you or your house. You are still the one in charge while you are giving her some space to be independent and figure herself out. Stay interested in her world. That's number five. know what your daughter likes. Stay interested in her world, whether it's her favorite show. Music or a hobby that she loves. Ask your daughter to teach you or tell you about something she enjoys. This shows her that you value her as an individual and want to connect beyond just parenting. An open relationship with her, and that involves you being a part of her world. Number six, pick your battles wisely. Not every issue needs to become a conflict. It can be difficult since you're used to having more of a say, but try to let go of the small stuff like fashion choices or a messy room. There's a difference between messy and dirty or like nasty. Okay. A messy room. Some of her clothes on the floor. Some things don't have to be a fight. Instead, focus your energy on what truly matters, such as her health, her values, her safety, how she talks to people, how she's coming across to other people who she's choosing as her friends. That one I say in there lightly because that is her decision, but you can also guide her in. You know who you know she's trying to become and what kind of friends that person would have. But choose peace over control when you can, and you'll likely notice less friction in your relationship. For her to become an adult you can trust, she has to be a teenager who is given chances to make her own decisions and learn from them. Number seven, create opportunities for connection. Spend time together. Spending time together might look different now than it did when she was younger, and that's okay. Focus on low pressure moments that feel natural to her. Maybe a walk a dessert run after dinner, or watching a favorite show together. You don't have to force deep conversations. Just being present and creating calm, shared experiences builds trust over time. Try to keep simple routines in place, This creates consistent points of connection. Find common interests with your daughter through shared experiences. You might do DIY projects together. Go for walks, watch certain movies together. Even just a few minutes of quality time here and there can help strengthen the bond. Number eight. Don't take any of this personally, although it's easier said than done. I know it can help the overall situation. If you don't take her behavior personally, it might feel like your team doesn't love you, but that's very rarely true Her withdrawal or coldness is likely tied to developmental changes, not a reflection of how she feels about you. Deep down, Remember what it was like to be a teen, juggling school, friendships, body changes, social pressures, social media. That was either brand new to us, depending on your age or wasn't a part of your world at all. Putting yourself in her shoes allows you to have empathy even when you're frustrated, saying things like, Okay, that sounds really hard. Do you want help? Or for me to just listen, can go a long way. And lastly, number nine, embrace the positive moments. Don't overlook the good moments, even if they're small, A quick laugh, A shared meal or an inside joke can help rebuild the bond. You can also reflect on happy memories you've shared to help you stay grounded in love, especially during tough moments. these memories can strengthen your patience and hope As you work on rebuilding the relationship, if it hasn't been broken and you're just struggling with this transition of adolescence in teenage years, it's just gonna help you to remain close to her and help that relationship, not drift too far away. Now that I've shared some practical tips on understanding where your teenage daughter is for herself and what are some things that you can, do about it on a daily basis and how to manage this stage of the mother daughter relationship? I wanna share a few things that I personally teach clients and things that I think actually go a long way for the parents. So the first one is, I want you to be like a potted plant. So think of a beautiful plant. Okay? Maybe it's in this beautiful clay pot. the pot is painted. It's beautiful, it's gorgeous. Perfect piece of pottery. And then you have this beautiful plant We know it's there. We want it in the room. It brings so much life and joy and a calm presence to the room. Okay? This plant does a lot without ever saying a word. We know it's there. We want it there, as a mom that is you think about times where she is highly active, she's highly interactive and she's happy and joyful, but you are not actually at the center of this interaction. So think about, I don't know, she has friends over, or even with her siblings, whatever your. dynamics in your family or in your household with your daughter. Looks like you're in the kitchen and maybe you're cooking or you're sitting at the table reading a book or in your, whatever you are doing, you're not in the interaction with her. Okay? But you're quiet. You're not interrupting, and you're not trying to be the center or even just be an active part of this interaction. Whatever is happening with her and her friends. But you are there. They know you're there, so you're not sneaking in the room because you're this potted plant that is beautiful and calm and, and you're there. But plants don't talk. And so as a mom, you don't talk. You don't have to intervene. You don't have to be a part of this, but you're calm and quiet presence means that you always get to listen in. You get to know about her life, you get to know what her friends are doing. You get to hear their interactions, and you get to be a part of experiencing and witnessing all of this with her without having to interrupt or be a part of. And the reason why I want you to think about this and do this as much as possible. Is because this lets you into her life. You get to hear things that she may not directly share with you. But like I said, she knows you're there, so she knows you're listening and you're a safe place because you're not immediately jumping in. You're not immediately trying to add to the conversation or say, Hey, what are y'all talking about over there? Or things like that. Like you're listening in and so you always get to be. A part of her life and her world because you have information. The parent that's constantly interrupting doesn't get, okay. If you have a, I guess what I've seen on social media right now, if you have a living room child, you're gonna get a lot more information than a closed door bedroom child. So if that's who you have and what you have right now, then be the potted plant and listen in. Get information about her life. Know what's happening, learn how she interacts. Get to see what makes her laugh with her friends. You get all of that if you are just quiet in the room, doing your own thing while getting to listen in. Okay. The second one that I teach parents is I want you to think about a rubber band. So visualize you have a rubber band and you're holding it like you have your pointer finger your thumb finger, and you're holding the ends of the rubber band. And the rubber bands don't have an end, but you get what I mean. You're holding it on both sides so you can stretch it. Okay, the more we stretch that rubber band, going to pop and it's going to break. And we don't wanna break this rubber band. It's very important to the relationship with your daughter. So I want you to visualize that with one hand, you're holding the rubber band and this hand is not moving. It stays still. It is like a solid presence. It doesn't move. That part is you. The other side is stretching the rubber band. So you're moving the rubber band kind of in and out, further away from the hand that's not moving, and then back in, and then further away and back in. Okay. You're like stretching it and pulling it back. Your daughter is the person that's stretching the rubber band. Okay, so her need for independence, her need for control, her need to create an identity is all happening. Each time. She stretches that rubber band and pulls a little bit further away from you. Now the rubber band is going to snap if you're both pulling it. So as she pulls away from you don't pull the other side of the rubber band trying to pull her back in. That's the wrong thing to do. As she's pulling that rubberband, you are a steady, solid. Call presence in her life. You don't waver, you don't sway, and you don't start pulling because you're scared. She's pulling too far. You know that if you remain there when she gets tired, and so let's say her being tired means that she kind of lets go of like she stops pulling so hard. Where does that rubber band end up going? Like if you were to let go, where does that rubber band snap back to? That's that presence, that calm presence that's holding the other end of the rubber band, the rubber band is snapping right back there. So when your daughter gets tired of pulling away and this can her pulling away and getting tired, I want you to think about her making a mistake, her needing some guidance and not knowing what to do. Her coming to you for advice Looking to you to help figure out what the next move is. Her getting scared or, you know, any of those things. When she needs you, you need her to be able to snap back to you. If you're also pulling on this rubber band, you're gonna make it harder for her to snap back to you. Okay? So as she's figuring out her identity and who she's trying to be, and her need for control, like that's what teenagers are doing as she's pulling a bin. You don't pull back. Okay. If she's getting a little bit too far and, and it's like, okay, hold on. Like this, I'm not actually okay with this puts you in danger again. You are still the parent and you have to keep her out of danger. That's part of what you're doing, but. If she's getting a little bit too far, you tug on that rubberband a little bit to pull her back into you, but you don't tug to pull the other way that she's pulling. Okay? It's just enough to like, Hey, Uhuh, there's a boundary there. you've reached my limit of what I think is safe for you. I need you to come back in so you tug her back in a little bit and pull her back so she's not too close to that. Limit the boundaries that you've created to keep her safe. When you do this every time that rubber band snaps back, because she needs some kind of support, guidance, nurturing, love, emotional, caretaking, whatever it is that she needs, that rubber band snaps back to you because you remain steady. You didn't waver, you didn't pull away, you didn't get mad and step outside that rubber band, you did not pull against it so that the rubber band snaps and then she goes flying further away from you. You were solid. You went nowhere. You remained there when she needed you, and she trusts that she can always come back to you, and that's what that rubber band is going to do. Okay? She doesn't step outside of that rubber band until you've reached the next stage of the mother-daughter relationship, and that is when she's a young adult. Okay, that is after the age of 18. remember during the teenage years, you are inside that rubberband with her, and you are building that trust by letting her pull a little bit and letting her pull a little bit. her trying to figure herself out, trying to create her identity, trying to figure out who she's going to be as an adult. That's what each of those represent, Think of those two things as you're going through this stage. Okay? These are so important. The more you're able to listen, the more information you're going to get about her life. The more you interrupt, the more she's going to shut down. The more you try to control and tell her what to do and what she's doing wrong and what you would've done differently and why she shouldn't have done that, the less she's going to talk your first style of communication with a teenager is to listen and talk second. And then the rubber band. Don't help her snap that rubber band, okay? You're supposed to just be solid, be right there in the middle, let that rubber band snap back to you because that means she needs you and you're right there. And so every time she needs you, you will always be right there. And that level of trust is just going to deepen. This is one of the most important things that I want to address, and this would be where if we were in coaching or therapy together, this would be part of what I helped you through along with just the little things that are happening with her along the way is taking care of yourself during the season. your relationship with your daughter is influenced by how you are doing. If you're feeling stressed and overwhelmed and constantly on edge, it's harder to show up with patience and presence that she needs. So you can't forget to take care of yourself. You have to prioritize and process your own emotions, your rest, how you nourish yourself. This could look like spending time with other loved ones, journaling, exercising, or taking breaks when you need it. This could be you working through your own healing. That way when she's in her stuff and needs you to show up, you're not being triggered with your own stuff and struggling to show up for her. That's gonna push you guys further apart. Taking care of your wellbeing helps you stay calm and patient and present, especially when things feel difficult at home, especially during those times where she's stretching the heck outta that rubber band You're starting to lose your mind, right? it helps to take care of you, and that is what I would do in sessions with you. If we were working together during this stage of the mother-daughter relationship, we would spend a lot of time exploring your relationship with your own mother, any mother wounds that you may be carrying. As these unresolved patterns can subtly influence how you show up in your relationship with your daughter. And you may not even realize that you're being triggered and so you're responding to her stuff, but with the trigger of your own stuff, and that's just gonna get messy. So sometimes our intense reactions to our teenager's behaviors are not even theirs. it's connected to your own unhealed experiences. You don't have to navigate the teen years alone. Finding support can make a big difference because it helps you process your feelings, gain new perspectives, and actually understanding her and understanding how you feel in that situation as well. And learn effective ways to communicate. When you feel understood and equipped, it becomes easier to stay patient and open, helping you reconnect with your daughter over time. Okay, so support with me would look like you. One, we would work through your own mother wound and what triggers you have that your daughter might be bringing up, and what are things that you have not healed for yourself, but then that outlet and that place to express all the frustrations of this time with her. Okay. Teenagers are frustrating. We know that teenagers are impulsive. Teenagers can be hard to be in relationship with because they're reactive. And so when you have a place to actually get through that so you can show up fully for her, then the relationship gets stronger and it can also go deeper in keeping you guys together so that a new mother wound is not created. That would be the goal here, making sure that this mother wound and the painful dynamics stop with you. They don't get passed on to her and you're not creating a new mother wound that she has to heal, and then we just keep the cycle going. The goal is that we're breaking the cycle. You can have a beautiful relationship with your daughter. This relationship does not have to be hard and a source of frustration and a source of anger for either of you. It can be joyful. It can have a natural cadence to it that. Allows her to pull a little bit, but know that she can come right back to you at any time because you are taking care of yourself so that way you can take care of her. Hey, no matter what we know about teenagers being reactive or. Trying to be controlling or pulling away or pushing you away, like all the things we know about teenagers. It doesn't have to be the status quo for the relationship, just because we know that that's what they're going to do. You can create a relationship with her that feels beautiful and connected and open. If you desire that and if you understand the stage that she's in and understand what she needs in this stage, you both can enjoy it. You just, you as the mom you have, you have to make that happen. You have to be prepared to take care of yourself so you can show up fully for her and. If you want help with that, that is part of the work that I do. That is all I have for today's episode. I hope that you were able to take something away from it and got something out of it. If you did or if you know someone who would get something out of it, please share this with them, and I will catch you in the next one. That's all for today's episode of the Mother-Daughter Relationship Show. Thanks so much for spending this time with me. I hope you picked up some valuable insights that you can start using right away in your own relationship to create deeper connection and understanding. If something from today's episode resonated with you, don't keep it to yourself. Share it with the mother or daughter in your life who needs to hear this message. And while you're at it, please consider leaving a rating. And review so we can reach more families and transform the way mothers and daughters relate to each other. For those ready to take the next step, you can visit my website to learn more about my private coaching programs and my program designed specifically for mother-daughter pairs. Whether you're dealing with communication challenges, life transitions, or just wanna strengthen an already good relationship, I'm here to help. Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you in the next one.