1 00:00:41,789 --> 00:00:43,500 Communication is everything. 2 00:00:43,500 --> 00:00:48,559 No matter who you are or what you are trying to achieve in your life, improving your communication 3 00:00:48,559 --> 00:00:50,550 skills is a must. 4 00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:56,730 It’s a strange fact that human beings are expected to just know how to communicate—despite 5 00:00:56,730 --> 00:01:00,600 so many of us finding it challenging or unpleasant! 6 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:06,530 The truth is that good communication takes time, effort, and know-how. 7 00:01:06,530 --> 00:01:09,960 It follows known principles and laws. 8 00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:16,829 Luckily, being a charismatic speaker, empathetic listener, and skillful negotiator and mediator 9 00:01:16,829 --> 00:01:23,960 is not something reserved for the select few—it’s something that anyone can do if only you understand 10 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:26,369 these laws. 11 00:01:26,369 --> 00:01:32,049 There is certainly not enough space in just one book to cover all the multifaceted ways 12 00:01:32,049 --> 00:01:35,130 that communication can be finetuned and tweaked. 13 00:01:35,130 --> 00:01:39,880 But in the following chapters, we’re going to explore some of the most popular concepts 14 00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:47,219 and principles so you feel empowered to start making positive changes right now. 15 00:01:47,219 --> 00:01:53,770 One idea that we will return to frequently is the overall purpose of communication. 16 00:01:53,770 --> 00:02:00,201 We reach out to one another to connect, to meet our needs, to express ourselves, and 17 00:02:00,201 --> 00:02:01,829 to solve problems. 18 00:02:01,829 --> 00:02:07,670 Therefore, the best mindset to adopt on our mission to become better communicators is 19 00:02:07,670 --> 00:02:14,630 the one that will best allow us to do just that: connect. 20 00:02:14,630 --> 00:02:18,410 Identify Your Communication Style 21 00:02:18,410 --> 00:02:23,390 When learning how to communicate better, it’s important to understand your exact starting 22 00:02:23,390 --> 00:02:29,030 point, i.e., how good is your communication ability currently? 23 00:02:29,030 --> 00:02:33,920 If you’ve picked up this book, chances are there are some aspects of the way you communicate 24 00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:36,840 that you’ve identified as needing improvement. 25 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:42,330 But communication is not just one skill, but a complex mix of many. 26 00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:44,870 On top of that, there are different styles of communication. 27 00:02:44,870 --> 00:02:49,810 Even if you don’t consider yourself a good communicator currently, you have a unique 28 00:02:49,810 --> 00:02:55,980 and characteristic type of communication whether you’re conscious of it or not. 29 00:02:55,980 --> 00:03:00,920 As we move through the chapters of this book, we’ll be looking at concrete ways to consciously 30 00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:07,040 choose the best and most effective styles of communication rather than default to unconscious 31 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:11,560 patterns that may not really be working for us. 32 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:17,599 When you can communicate well, your relationships take on an extra dimension of quality and 33 00:03:17,599 --> 00:03:23,480 intimacy, you find yourself in conflict far less often, and you give yourself the gift 34 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:29,370 of being seen and understood so that other people have the best possible chance of meeting 35 00:03:29,370 --> 00:03:30,540 your needs. 36 00:03:30,540 --> 00:03:37,790 But without good communication, everything—relationships, work, conflict resolution—becomes much, 37 00:03:37,790 --> 00:03:41,920 much harder, if not impossible. 38 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:46,390 Before we learn the best ways to communicate, let’s ask ourselves: how do we communicate 39 00:03:46,390 --> 00:03:48,519 right now? 40 00:03:48,519 --> 00:03:52,920 Take a look at the following communication style profiles and see if you can recognize 41 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:57,050 yourself in one (or more!) of them: 42 00:03:57,050 --> 00:04:01,090 The Passive Communicator 43 00:04:01,090 --> 00:04:06,170 For this kind of communicator, it’s all about what isn’t said. 44 00:04:06,170 --> 00:04:12,560 Passive communication avoids expressing needs and wants, avoids conflict, and doesn’t 45 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:16,190 directly and obviously convey thoughts or feelings. 46 00:04:16,190 --> 00:04:18,160 Imagine two friends going out for a drink. 47 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:24,330 The first asks the second where he’d like to go, the second says, “Oh, I don’t mind. 48 00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:26,229 You choose somewhere.” 49 00:04:26,229 --> 00:04:30,730 The first does choose somewhere, and the second doesn’t actually like it ... but doesn’t 50 00:04:30,730 --> 00:04:31,840 say so. 51 00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:35,919 Instead, he gets quietly annoyed and resentful. 52 00:04:35,919 --> 00:04:42,699 When the first friend asks what’s wrong, the second says, “Oh, nothing, I’m fine,” 53 00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:45,500 while very obviously not being fine! 54 00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:51,130 At the end of the evening, things come to a head and the passive friend has an emotional 55 00:04:51,130 --> 00:04:53,530 outburst, snapping rudely. 56 00:04:53,530 --> 00:04:58,009 Immediately, he apologizes and acts submissive and guilty. 57 00:04:58,009 --> 00:05:04,039 He goes home wondering how he keeps ending up in such emotionally fraught situations 58 00:05:04,039 --> 00:05:07,650 when he works so hard to avoid confrontation. 59 00:05:07,650 --> 00:05:10,350 Sound familiar? 60 00:05:10,350 --> 00:05:13,360 You might have a passive communication style. 61 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:15,449 Here are some other clues: 62 00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:19,789 •You apologize for expressing yourself or sharing your wants and needs 63 00:05:19,789 --> 00:05:24,699 •You find it difficult to make decisions, lead, or take responsibility 64 00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:27,440 •You sometimes feel like a victim 65 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:32,340 •You often prefer to opt out or let others take control 66 00:05:32,340 --> 00:05:37,050 •You sometimes don’t know what you really think or feel 67 00:05:37,050 --> 00:05:41,180 •You tend to blame others for bad things that happen 68 00:05:41,180 --> 00:05:47,919 •You don’t generally feel in control of situations, or your life generally 69 00:05:47,919 --> 00:05:55,880 Nonverbally, passive communicators tend to speak quietly and adopt a small, submissive 70 00:05:55,880 --> 00:06:00,710 posture, or else fidget nervously or avoid eye contact. 71 00:06:00,710 --> 00:06:05,690 The irony is that a passive communicator does not achieve the result they want with this 72 00:06:05,690 --> 00:06:07,670 behavior. 73 00:06:07,670 --> 00:06:14,139 Other people can feel frustrated, guilty, exasperated, or annoyed with you, or else 74 00:06:14,139 --> 00:06:19,009 they may see the passivity as an invitation to take advantage. 75 00:06:19,009 --> 00:06:23,699 On the other hand, a passive communicator can leave others feeling unwilling to help 76 00:06:23,699 --> 00:06:29,639 anymore since their efforts are often met with a passive, defeatist attitude that lacks 77 00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:33,590 energy and autonomy. 78 00:06:33,590 --> 00:06:37,630 The Aggressive Communicator 79 00:06:37,630 --> 00:06:41,940 Where the passive communicator expresses too little of their needs and wants, the aggressive 80 00:06:41,940 --> 00:06:45,830 communicator goes too far in the other direction. 81 00:06:45,830 --> 00:06:51,330 They know what they want, and they will be as demanding, intimidating, and even hostile 82 00:06:51,330 --> 00:06:55,039 as they need to be to get it. 83 00:06:55,039 --> 00:06:59,849 From this point of view, communication is a war, and the aggressive communicator is 84 00:06:59,849 --> 00:07:03,780 one who intends to win and beat down their opponent. 85 00:07:03,780 --> 00:07:08,720 This can be that office bully who is always loud, threatening, and abrasive, but it doesn’t 86 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,580 always have to be as blatant as this. 87 00:07:10,580 --> 00:07:15,780 Sometimes, the one person in a family or friend group whom everyone is most afraid of is the 88 00:07:15,780 --> 00:07:19,729 one who is simply ruthless and unpredictable. 89 00:07:19,729 --> 00:07:25,479 An aggressive communicator might literally yell and scream, saying “Don’t be stupid!” 90 00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:31,090 or scoffing loudly at what you say, but they can also be aggressive in their body language 91 00:07:31,090 --> 00:07:32,090 or actions: 92 00:07:32,090 --> 00:07:34,740 •Sharp, sudden, or “big” gestures 93 00:07:34,740 --> 00:07:36,229 •Hogging space 94 00:07:36,229 --> 00:07:37,770 •Towering over others 95 00:07:37,770 --> 00:07:40,080 •Scowling, glaring, frowning 96 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:42,650 •Invading people’s personal space 97 00:07:42,650 --> 00:07:50,160 Again, the result is ironic: Most people might comply with an aggressive communicator, at 98 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:58,069 least at first, but they quickly can grow defensive, uncooperative, and resentful. 99 00:07:58,069 --> 00:08:04,539 Nobody likes to be humiliated or hurt, and so the result is often less respect but more 100 00:08:04,539 --> 00:08:11,919 defensiveness and pushback—the last thing an aggressive communicator actually wants. 101 00:08:11,919 --> 00:08:15,210 The Passive-Aggressive Communicator 102 00:08:15,210 --> 00:08:16,791 We all know someone like this! 103 00:08:16,791 --> 00:08:24,180 This style of communication is as aggressive as the previous one, only it’s covert, i.e., 104 00:08:24,180 --> 00:08:27,120 hidden and indirect. 105 00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:29,849 Things are not what they seem on the surface. 106 00:08:29,849 --> 00:08:34,610 Someone who communicates this way may feel angry but powerless to act in direct or ordinary 107 00:08:34,610 --> 00:08:41,219 ways—so they attempt to meet their needs and make themselves known passively instead. 108 00:08:41,219 --> 00:08:47,040 They may use heaps of sarcasm, they may complain bitterly and make a nuisance of themselves 109 00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:52,680 (without doing a thing to help themselves), or they may sulk until someone is forced to 110 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:54,760 do something about it. 111 00:08:54,760 --> 00:09:02,020 Otherwise, they may gossip, issue false apologies, or give compliments that are actually insults 112 00:09:02,020 --> 00:09:03,960 in disguise. 113 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:09,810 They may engage in “malicious compliance” (“I will give the appearance of cooperation 114 00:09:09,810 --> 00:09:16,579 but actually not be compliant at all”) or be difficult or unreliable instead of saying 115 00:09:16,579 --> 00:09:19,170 outright that they don’t want to do something. 116 00:09:19,170 --> 00:09:25,680 There is a devious, almost two-faced feeling to this type of communication that leaves 117 00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:31,670 other people feeling manipulated, exhausted, or confused. 118 00:09:31,670 --> 00:09:36,610 Imagine our two friends are out for a drink, and the passive one says, “Oh, you can choose 119 00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:37,610 a place. 120 00:09:37,610 --> 00:09:38,610 I don’t mind." 121 00:09:38,610 --> 00:09:43,730 Let’s say the other one has a passive-aggressive communication style, and although they resent 122 00:09:43,730 --> 00:09:49,560 being forced to make decisions all the time, they don’t feel able to come out and say 123 00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:51,240 that directly. 124 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:54,130 So instead, they say, “Oh no, I understand. 125 00:09:54,130 --> 00:10:01,420 How could I forget that it’s always my job to sort these things out, right?" 126 00:10:01,420 --> 00:10:07,510 As they deliver with a sugary-sweet smile, there is plausible deniability in this, and 127 00:10:07,510 --> 00:10:12,430 when the other friend responds to the hidden aggression in it, the first one can act hurt 128 00:10:12,430 --> 00:10:17,070 and confused: “Calm down ... It was just a joke!" 129 00:10:17,070 --> 00:10:24,329 If pushed, the passive-aggressive friend may then apologize, but it will be an “apology” 130 00:10:24,329 --> 00:10:28,829 with a sting in the tail: “Sheesh, I said I’m sorry. 131 00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:34,050 Forgive me for not being perfect all the time ... ” 132 00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:37,670 The Manipulative Communicator 133 00:10:37,670 --> 00:10:45,010 The above style has some overlap with one more style, that of the manipulative communicator. 134 00:10:45,010 --> 00:10:50,370 This is the person who uses cunning and fakery to get what they want. 135 00:10:50,370 --> 00:10:56,810 Manipulation is essentially an attempt to control other people and have them do, say, 136 00:10:56,810 --> 00:11:00,000 and think as you’d like them to. 137 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:04,120 While the passive-aggressive communicator can hurt others indirectly in an attempt to 138 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:09,120 express their needs without really expressing them, the manipulator is characterized by 139 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:14,930 their ability to see others as tools, i.e., a means to an end. 140 00:11:14,930 --> 00:11:20,089 So, a manipulative communication will cry “crocodile tears” in order to make the 141 00:11:20,089 --> 00:11:25,750 other person feel sorry for them (instead of, for comparison, simply sharing their genuine 142 00:11:25,750 --> 00:11:31,570 experience and the other person responding with genuine, uncoerced empathy!). 143 00:11:31,570 --> 00:11:39,389 They may “ask without asking” or use emotional levers such as guilt and obligation to position 144 00:11:39,389 --> 00:11:43,079 people in ways that suit them. 145 00:11:43,079 --> 00:11:48,500 A manipulative communicator might see someone enjoying their lunch at work and say, seemingly 146 00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:54,900 to no one in particular in a high-pitched, condescending voice, “Oh, that looks delicious. 147 00:11:54,900 --> 00:11:56,450 Aren’t you lucky? 148 00:11:56,450 --> 00:12:01,030 I wish I could eat such fancy stuff like that for lunch every day. 149 00:12:01,030 --> 00:12:03,310 Oh well." 150 00:12:03,310 --> 00:12:07,250 If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of someone “fishing for compliments,” 151 00:12:07,250 --> 00:12:13,110 then know that this is another form of trying to control others—in these examples trying 152 00:12:13,110 --> 00:12:17,950 to force someone to give you a compliment. 153 00:12:17,950 --> 00:12:24,130 Manipulative communication can sometimes “work,” but more often than not it is rightly perceived 154 00:12:24,130 --> 00:12:29,420 by others as artificial, condescending, and untrustworthy. 155 00:12:29,420 --> 00:12:35,380 If outright tricks and lies are used, the communication style can fail badly and the 156 00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:40,830 person not only fails to get what they want, but they shut off potential genuine avenues 157 00:12:40,830 --> 00:12:46,440 of connection and understanding—shooting themselves in the foot, basically. 158 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:51,860 Now, in reading about these four communication styles, you can probably see that you’ve 159 00:12:51,860 --> 00:12:55,779 been guilty of all of them at least at some point in your life. 160 00:12:55,779 --> 00:13:00,890 You can also probably see that they overlap one another and that the tactics in each style 161 00:13:00,890 --> 00:13:03,199 can vary in intensity. 162 00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:09,940 Few people use any single type exclusively in their communication, but it is worth asking 163 00:13:09,940 --> 00:13:14,170 honestly about patterns that you observe in yourself. 164 00:13:14,170 --> 00:13:20,910 There are countless shades and nuances possible when we think about how not to communicate. 165 00:13:20,910 --> 00:13:26,130 Ultimately, though, there’s one thing to keep in mind: None of them really WORK. 166 00:13:26,130 --> 00:13:32,640 In other words, the above four communication styles are “bad” not because they use 167 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:42,700 lies, passivity, or force, but rather because they don’t achieve the main goal of communication. 168 00:13:42,700 --> 00:13:45,449 Why do people communicate? 169 00:13:45,449 --> 00:13:48,330 There are only a few primary reasons: 170 00:13:48,330 --> 00:13:50,269 •To get our needs met 171 00:13:50,269 --> 00:13:53,839 •To share our experience and express who we are 172 00:13:53,839 --> 00:13:56,020 •To solve problems 173 00:13:56,020 --> 00:14:00,579 •To connect with another human being 174 00:14:00,579 --> 00:14:05,820 The above communication styles are actually attempts to meet some or all of these goals. 175 00:14:05,820 --> 00:14:11,009 Usually, however, they achieve the exact opposite result. 176 00:14:11,009 --> 00:14:16,660 While it can be fun to identify annoying communication patterns in others, there is more to be gained 177 00:14:16,660 --> 00:14:23,310 by honestly asking where we ourselves fall short of ideal communication patterns. 178 00:14:23,310 --> 00:14:31,089 Do we have a tendency to be aggressive, passive, passive-aggressive, or manipulative? 179 00:14:31,089 --> 00:14:33,650 Or even all four? 180 00:14:33,650 --> 00:14:39,209 It helps to be aware of maladaptive communication strategies, but let’s also look at how we 181 00:14:39,209 --> 00:14:47,010 can best communicate, i.e., how we can meet our needs, express ourselves, and solve problems 182 00:14:47,010 --> 00:14:50,930 in a way that actually works. 183 00:14:50,930 --> 00:14:54,630 The Assertive Communicator 184 00:14:54,630 --> 00:14:59,519 This is a healthy, balanced, and conscious way of communicating. 185 00:14:59,519 --> 00:15:06,009 It’s the ability to express needs, wants, thoughts, and feelings in a direct and assertive 186 00:15:06,009 --> 00:15:12,310 way without ever disrespecting or controlling the way others think or feel, controlling 187 00:15:12,310 --> 00:15:16,790 what they do, or undermining what they need. 188 00:15:16,790 --> 00:15:22,639 This is the communication style that comes from a healthy self-esteem paired with a healthy 189 00:15:22,639 --> 00:15:26,259 sense of respect and compassion for others. 190 00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:32,240 In non-verbal expression, such people are self-controlled, balanced, relaxed, open, 191 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:36,770 and respectful—and that means respect for themselves and others. 192 00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:43,569 Because of this, other people trust and like them, and if they don’t, at the very least 193 00:15:43,569 --> 00:15:45,980 they know where they stand. 194 00:15:45,980 --> 00:15:50,509 People do not feel obliged to take care of them or forced to do things they don’t want 195 00:15:50,509 --> 00:15:53,300 to in order to appease them. 196 00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:59,190 In the company of a person who communicates this way, things are clear, direct, mature, 197 00:15:59,190 --> 00:16:04,640 respectful, and relaxed no matter the kind of conversation unfolding. 198 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:10,079 They can say, “You know what, to be honest, I don’t really feel like going out drinking 199 00:16:10,079 --> 00:16:11,079 tonight. 200 00:16:11,079 --> 00:16:13,990 I’m in the mood to just get some takeout and relax at home. 201 00:16:13,990 --> 00:16:14,990 What do you think? 202 00:16:14,990 --> 00:16:18,360 We could still pick up a couple of beers ... ” 203 00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:25,980 They can express their needs or desires clearly, directly, and politely (“Oh, wow, that looks 204 00:16:25,980 --> 00:16:26,980 amazing! 205 00:16:26,980 --> 00:16:33,500 Would you mind if I had a tiny taste?”) and simply don’t need to control others 206 00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:40,770 or get them to take care of them (for example, no fishing for compliments needed because 207 00:16:40,770 --> 00:16:47,420 you are happy and confident with your choices and don’t need external validation for them). 208 00:16:47,420 --> 00:16:54,220 Finally, assertive communicators are flexible and can set healthy boundaries when necessary, 209 00:16:54,220 --> 00:16:59,610 but they can also be open, trusting, and vulnerable at other times. 210 00:16:59,610 --> 00:17:06,089 The first thing to realize is that certain communication styles are simply not effective 211 00:17:06,089 --> 00:17:10,319 and will not get you the results you want. 212 00:17:10,319 --> 00:17:12,770 How you communicate is a choice. 213 00:17:12,770 --> 00:17:18,079 You can make the best choice when you consciously understand what you’re doing and why it’s 214 00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:24,179 not working ... so you can choose something that will work. 215 00:17:24,179 --> 00:17:27,079 Every endeavor to improve must begin with a level of self-awareness. 216 00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:32,799 There is no shame or blame in identifying the current limits and blind spots in your 217 00:17:32,799 --> 00:17:34,730 own communication style. 218 00:17:34,730 --> 00:17:41,890 The quality of our relationships with others comes down to the quality of our communication. 219 00:17:41,890 --> 00:17:43,590 And guess what? 220 00:17:43,590 --> 00:17:49,929 The quality of our communication comes down one hundred percent to us and what we consciously 221 00:17:49,929 --> 00:17:53,220 choose for ourselves. 222 00:17:53,220 --> 00:17:59,950 For now, be curious about what isn’t working for you communication-wise. 223 00:17:59,950 --> 00:18:05,700 Think back to conflicts or communication breakdowns in the past and see if you can identify some 224 00:18:05,700 --> 00:18:11,760 of these less-than-helpful styles in yourself, the other person ... or both. 225 00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:19,360 Before we continue, consider the attitude that inspires a healthy and assertive communication 226 00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:20,360 style. 227 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,820 Read the following sentiments. 228 00:18:22,820 --> 00:18:29,010 Do any seem particularly alien to you or difficult to agree with? 229 00:18:29,010 --> 00:18:34,920 This might be a clue to the aspects of assertive communication you could develop in yourself: 230 00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:42,260 “All people are equally entitled to express themselves as long as they’re respectful.” 231 00:18:42,260 --> 00:18:45,980 “I’m confident in who I am, and I like myself." 232 00:18:45,980 --> 00:18:49,440 “I have choices.” 233 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:53,500 “I take responsibility for getting my needs met." 234 00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:57,330 “I am comfortable speaking honestly and clearly.” 235 00:18:57,330 --> 00:19:04,240 “I am calm, positive, and measured when dealing with others.” 236 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:10,929 “I don’t need to or want to control others—I am more interested in self-mastery.” 237 00:19:10,929 --> 00:19:15,590 “I like to seek compromise and balance.” 238 00:19:15,590 --> 00:19:20,190 “I value my rights immensely. 239 00:19:20,190 --> 00:19:24,210 I also wouldn’t dream of infringing on someone else’s rights." 240 00:19:24,210 --> 00:19:29,490 “Nobody owes me anything." 241 00:19:29,490 --> 00:19:34,370 In the interest of increasing self-awareness, ask yourself the following questions: 242 00:19:34,370 --> 00:19:37,929 What is my main style of communication? 243 00:19:37,929 --> 00:19:42,750 What aspect of assertive communication do I find most difficult? 244 00:19:42,750 --> 00:19:57,830 What would I most like to improve about the way 245 00:19:57,830 --> 00:20:09,549 I communicate?