Welcome to the Mother-Daughter Relationship. Show the podcast for mothers and daughters who want to build stronger bonds, deepen their understanding and transform their relationships. I'm your host, Brittany Scott, licensed therapist and mother-daughter relationship coach. After years of working with hundreds of daughters. And mothers. I've developed strategies that help break generational patterns, heal wounds, and create the loving relationships you've always wanted. Each week I'll be sharing insights from real clients, expert interviews and practical tools you can use immediately to improve your mother-daughter dynamic. Whether you're struggling with communication breakdowns, navigating major life transitions, or simply wanna take your already good relationship to the next level. The show is for you. And yes, the transformation I guide my clients through can be yours too. I'll share more about how you can work with me. It's time to experience the relationship you both deserve. Are you ready? Let's dive in. Hey, welcome back to the show. It's your host, Brittany. Have you experienced your mom saying, I want us to be close, but then criticizes every decision you make. Or maybe she agrees to go to therapy, but then after it's scheduled, she cancels last minute, or she talks about wanting to understand you better, but interrupts every time you try to share something vulnerable. Does any of this sound familiar to you? Today we're talking about something I've heard a few times when your mom says all the right things about wanting to repair the relationship, but her actions tell a completely different story. If this sounds familiar, you're not alone and I want you to stick around 'cause that's what we're gonna talk about and jump into today. Let's start by understanding why this disconnect happens between words and actions. Let's start by understanding why this disconnect between words and actions happens so often with mothers who have caused mother wounds. The first thing that's probably going on is a fear of vulnerability. When your mom says she wants to work on the relationship. Part of her probably means it, and it's very honest, but actually doing the work requires a level of vulnerability, accountability, and sitting with uncomfortable emotions that she may not be ready for. That's scary for anyone, but especially for someone who may have spent years avoiding these feelings or is afraid of what it might mean about her or she faces them. Next one could be lack of self-awareness. Your mom might genuinely believe she's doing the work because she's talking about it. She may not realize that saying, I want to change isn't the same as actually changing. She might think good intentions are enough. Her desire for things to be different might be enough for her. Another pattern that might be happening is defensiveness. if your mom has been defensive for years, those patterns don't just disappear because she says she wants to work on things when pushed to actually examine her behavior, those old defensive mechanisms kick in automatically. And the last one, different definitions of working on it. Remember in a previous episode I explained in my perspective what does doing the work mean? Your mom might think working on the relationship means you both try harder to get along. meanwhile you are thinking it means she takes accountability for specific, hurtful behaviors and makes concrete changes. Your working on it might be completely different and. She thinks she's doing enough. You don't think she's doing anything at all. Here are some specific red flags that indicate your mom's words don't match your action. She agrees to therapy, but cancels or reschedules frequently shows up, but stays silent or defensive blames you or the therapist when session gets difficult and they will because this entire topic is difficult. She refuses to do any homework or practice between sessions. She says she wants to understand you, but interrupts when you're sharing your feelings, gets defensive immediately when you express hurt, turns conversation back to her own pain, or dismisses your experiences as too sensitive or in the past. She claims she's changing, but continues to same. Hurtful behaviors, makes excuses for why she slipped up. Expects praise for minimal effort. Gets angry when you don't immediately trust her. And the last red flag, she talks about wanting closeness, but violates boundaries you've set, criticizes your life choices, compares you to others. Only reaches out when she needs something. When your mom's words don't match her actions, you end up in a hope and disappointment cycle. She says something that gives you hope. I really want us to have a relationship, or, I know I've made mistakes. Your heart opens a little. You think maybe this time will be different. Then her actions show you that nothing has actually changed. She criticizes your parenting at the next family gathering. She guilt trips you for not calling enough. she interrupts you. When you try to express a boundary and you feel disappointed, frustrated, or maybe even a little foolish for hoping, again, the cycle is exhausting and it can actually be more damaging than a mother who's upfront about not wanting to change. At least then you know where you stand. So what do you do when you're caught in this pattern? Here are some practical strategies. Number one, focus on actions, not words. Stop giving weight to what your mom says she's going to do. Instead, pay attention to what she actually does. This isn't about being mean or cynical. It's about protecting yourself from disappointment and make a decisions based on reality, not potential. Number two, set specific measurable actions. Instead of accepting vague promises, like I'll try to be better, ask for specific commitments. Mom, if you wanna work on our relationship, I need you to commit to not interrupting me when I'm talking. Can you do that? Make the expectations clear and observable. Either she interrupts you or she doesn't. Either she shows up to therapy or she doesn't. Number three, create consequences for broken commitments. This doesn't mean punishment. It means natural consequences. If your mom cancels therapy sessions repeatedly, you stop scheduling them. If she can't respect your boundaries during visits, you shorten the visits you are not trying to control your behavior, you're controlling your own responses to her behavior. Number four, stop explaining yourself repeatedly. If your mom's actions shows that she's not ready to do the work, stop trying to convince her with more explanations about why the relationship needs to change. She already knows the issue isn't understanding. it's willingness or knowing where to start. Number five, grieve the gap. There's a grief process that comes with accepting that your mom's words don't match her actions. You have to grieve the mother you hoped she could be and accept the mother she actually is right now. This doesn't mean giving up forever, but it does mean stopping the exhausting cycle of hope and disappointment. Your mom doesn't get credit for wanting to change. She gets credit for actually changing. Good intentions don't undo hurtful actions. Saying, I'm sorry, doesn't automatically build trust, but it is a start. Talking about working on the relationship isn't the same as doing the work. Maybe this sounds harsh. I hope it doesn't 'cause I believe it's liberating. When you stop giving credit for words and start requiring action, you stop wasting your energy on false hope. While you're navigating this disconnect between your mom's words and actions, you do have to protect yourself. You do get to feel liberated, emotionally, protect yourself by not getting your hopes up. Every time she says something promising hope is beautiful, and we don't want to lose our ability to hope. But it can also be painful when it's repeatedly crushed. Practically protect yourself by not changing your boundaries or behaviors based on her promises. Wait for consistent action over time and mentally protect herself by remembering that her inability to follow through on her words is about her limitations, not your worth. Your worth is never tied to her behaviors. So how long are you supposed to keep trying when her words don't match her actions? Here's some things that might help you answer that question. 'cause I don't think there's one specific answer. Keep trying. If she's making small, genuine efforts, even if they're imperfect. Keep trying. If she can acknowledge that her actions don't match her words, keep trying. If there's some forward movement, even if it's slow, and keep trying. If you have the emotional bandwidth to stay engaged, you should take a step back. If the pattern has been consistent for years with no real change, take a step back. If staying engaged is damaging your mental health. Take a step back if she blames you for pointing out the disconnect and take a step back if you're exhausted from the hope and disappointment cycle. Okay. I wanna address a question that came in from a listener. It reads, my mom keeps saying she wants to go to therapy together. But every time I try to schedule it, she has an excuse or reason why she's not ready to start yet. Should I keep trying? When will we finally start? Okay, here's my advice. Give her one more clear opportunity. Say something like, mom, I'm going to send you three therapy appointment options. You can commit to them. If you can't commit to them, I'm going to assume you're not ready for this work and I'll stop bringing it up or something like, Hey, I am going to search for two or three therapists that I think would work well with us or accepts my insurance or is in the area. Whatever criteria you need for finding somebody to work with, say, I'm going to search for two or three and I'm gonna send them. To you. I want you to schedule the consultation and meet them and see which one you like. We will meet with the one that you like. Put some of the responsibility on her. If you wanna see if she's serious, see if she'll follow through on some actions that help to get you guys to therapy that isn't just her showing up to the appointment. Then you have to follow through. If she doesn't commit, stop asking. Her actions are telling you she's not ready, regardless of what her words say. You can revisit this in six months or a year, but for now, protect your energy. Focus on what you can control your own healing and growth. Go to therapy by yourself. Go meet with somebody alone. Go see how much healing you can do without her having to be a part of it. This disconnect between your mom's words and actions doesn't make you crazy, and it doesn't make her evil. It makes her human, a human who may not be ready or able to do the deep work that repairing your relationship requires. Your job isn't to convince her to be ready. Your job is to decide how much energy you want to invest in someone whose actions don't match their stated intentions. Remember, you can love her and still protect yourself from inconsistency. You can hope for change while also living in the reality of what's actually happening. You can heal without your mom being present. She may never be present for it. She may never be ready for it. But that doesn't mean that you can't heal. It doesn't mean that you can't have joyful and healthy relationships in other people. And you can absolutely build a fulfilling life, even if your mom never becomes the person, her words suggests she wants to be. Sometimes our desire to be something. just won't match our ability to actually get it done. Make sure through this that you're taking care of yourself and that you're showing up for yourself even if she's struggling to show up for you. That's all for today's episode of the Mother-Daughter Relationship Show. Thanks so much for spending this time with me. I hope you picked up some valuable insights that you can start using right away in your own relationship to create deeper connection and understanding. If something from today's episode resonated with you, don't keep it to yourself. Share it with the mother or daughter in your life who needs to hear this message. And while you're at it, please consider leaving a rating. And review so we can reach more families and transform the way mothers and daughters relate to each other. For those ready to take the next step, you can visit my website to learn more about my private coaching programs and my program designed specifically for mother-daughter pairs. Whether you're dealing with communication challenges, life transitions, or just wanna strengthen an already good relationship, I'm here to help. Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you in the next one.