Do you think I could fit this in my purse?
Take the time. Take as much time as you need
and then immediately get a million dollars for being a nice person.
That means I am actually going to win the lottery faster than he is,
because that's how karma works, right?
Hi, everybody. I'm Lauren Howard.
Welcome to Different, Not Broken —
our podcast on exactly that.
There are a lot of people in this world walking around feeling broken,
and the reality is you're just different. And that's fine.
I got a call — God, it was a couple weeks ago now —
from one of those friends who doesn't really call.
I don't have a lot of friends who call because ew.
But this one in particular, if he's calling, there's a thing.
Most people, I would probably just text and be like, in the middle of the...
Mostly because I don't want to answer the phone.
But him, he's calling, like, there's a thing. And so I answered.
He's usually one of my emotional support humans.
I don't usually serve as his emotional support human.
That is not a complaint. I am happy to do it for him at any time.
However, he does not tend to need me as an emotional support human.
He has a very logical, very goal directed,
very dark and twisted view on life, which I appreciate.
And I could tell by his answer he just needed something.
Something grander. Like, he needed something.
So we start talking and he basically says...
Business is really hard right now.
Not hard because we don't have enough business — thankfully we do.
I'm trying to run a business the way that I think businesses should be run
and the way that they are not traditionally run, and it sucks.
He had multiple people out at the same time
for things that were completely out of their control.
So he was doing a bunch of their work —
and paying them to get to not do their work, which can be really hard.
He really thought I was going to say, well, here are the five ways to handle that.
And I was like, no, dude. This sucks.
I don't have another way around it. It's hard.
There are days when doing what's right by the humans in front of you is really hard
because it's expensive and it's time consuming.
And it puts a lot of work on, in essence, the boss.
Because who else is going to pick up that slack?
Sometimes it's a confluence of so many things at once that you feel like you're drowning.
But if you're going to give the freedom and flexibility to your people,
you have to give it to all of your people.
And I was like... yeah. It sucks.
I didn't have anything more intelligent to say.
If this were the easy way to do business, everybody would do it that way.
We know we're doing things the hard way. We know when we make this choice.
You don't realize how hard it is until someone has been out of the office
for week seven of what was supposed to be a one-week sick leave.
And you're picking up the slack because you're not gonna go to this really sick person and say, I need you back.
And you're not gonna replace them. You're not gonna fire them when they're dealing with this personal tragedy.
So it just has to suck. And I wish there was a better answer, but there's just not.
There are humans in front of you who need things.
And sometimes those needs have to come before the other important business things.
What I said to him is — this is temporary.
Right now, while you're waiting for this person to come back from leave,
it's really hard. There's no way around it.
There are some states where the cost of leave doesn't fall on the employer
because they have state-run programs.
So nobody gets screwed. The business isn't getting screwed.
The person isn't losing access to their funding. That's a win-win.
And I reminded him — this part is temporary.
It sucks. It's awful getting up and going into work
when you know that you have to do the job of four people.
But the long-term effect is that you're going to have loyal employees.
Employees who pick up the slack for you when you can't pick it up for yourself.
If this were easy, everybody would do it.
If running your business this way were the cheap way to do it,
every company would do it and you wouldn't be remarkable for doing it.
And mind you — the stuff that he's doing is like the bare minimum for humanity.
We're not talking about giving people five years of paid maternity leave.
He's giving them the human responses that humans need.
And that somehow has become wildly revolutionary.
We're talking about a job that accommodates your humanity. Shocker.
I promised him — when he got to the other side of it, there would be a reward there.
I don't know when the other side is, and I don't know what the reward is.
But it's there. I promise you it's there.
He called me again maybe a week or two ago and he was like...
All right, I gotta tell you something.
And I was like, oh God, what did I do now?
The person who was out on leave came back.
The other person who had to take an unexpected leave
is now my chief operating officer
and is handling most of the day-to-day stuff.
And I was like, so you got through the suck?
And he was like, we got through the suck.
And I was like, and it was really hard and felt impossible.
And it was really hard and felt impossible.
And I was like, and now you see why you do it.
And he was like, I see it.
Like, I did make some policy changes.
I sprung for a disability policy that we didn't have before —
it's expensive out of pocket, but cheap at the price if somebody needs it.
I see it now. I see it.
And this is not at all about being right.
But this is one of the things that I talk about all the time.
Most of what I do is not proprietary.
We need more people in the world doing good work, not less.
You're never gonna be in a situation where you do something really cool or kind or compassionate
and then the next day win the lottery. That's not how it works.
But you will do all of those little tiny pockets.
There's not a road sign that says "other side."
You just get there when you get there.
We had an employee who was gone with very little contact for a really long time.
Business says the right thing to do was to put her on documentation.
I was not going to bother this person when I knew she was going through
maybe the hardest things she had ever been through in her life.
Our HR person asked if she should keep running payroll for her.
And I was like, yep. But she's not working. I know.
There's always a part in the back of your brain going —
you know, this is not how you're supposed to do things.
Well, this is how I choose to run my business. So shove it, boys in the back of my head.
The only communication she got from me during that time period
was just — don't worry about your job. It'll be here when you get back.
When she did call me, she told me the whole depth of it.
Basically they thought it was a stomachache.
And it turned out to be very much not a stomachache.
I asked her for her address and I sent her fuzzy socks and a blanket
and one of those hospital-type tables that raise up and down and slide over your bed.
I don't care how old you are, everybody should have one. They're amazing. I have one.
She finally came back to work, I want to say, like six or seven weeks later.
And I said, I don't want you to come back on my account.
You come back when you're ready.
Meanwhile, I'll be very honest, I was drowning in her work
because we only have one of her, and the only person who does what she does is me.
She wants to be working. So I just set the expectation.
Tell me what you need. We'll be here when you need it.
When she called me and told me about this really horrible situation she was in —
we're in the US, so obviously my first thought was,
oh my God, what are those medical bills gonna be? That's gonna be awful for her.
And then I had this flashback to a decision I made almost two years ago —
where I purchased insurance for our company that we pay 100% on.
It was three times as expensive as what we were told to buy for our size.
And I just went — I can't give people startup chaos AND a $5,000 deductible.
I just can't do both.
A friend said to me: doing the right thing for your people
is never the irresponsible decision.
And I was like, oh yeah. It's true.
But it has been hard every month to look at that bill.
Flash forward just over a year.
That's why we paid for the health insurance coverage.
Because everything she was going through is covered.
All of her doctors were in network.
Her out-of-pocket was very minimal compared to other people
who have gone through the same therapies.
And I went — oh, this is why we do it. Right here. This is why we do it.
Then moment two: she called me again — not a person who calls me very often.
She said...
I just left the doctor and all of the treatments are working.
The fact that I had immediate access to this care —
the fact that my treatment wasn't delayed — is probably why
I'm having such a fantastic response.
And I was like, oh, that's why.
Right there. That's why. Got it.
Because this has been hard as... well, you know.
But that's why.
Last Christmas, I opened the front door to this giant box.
And the note basically said — I wouldn't have been able to get through
what the last year looked like if you hadn't been so supportive. Thank you so much.
There was a mug that said Chaos Coordinator.
And I was like — oh, that's me. That's what I do.
That was not immediate, right?
I didn't say, take the time, take as much time as you need,
and then immediately get a million dollars for being a nice person.
We went through a whole ton of suck to get there. But a human has her health because of it.
In his case, it led to promotions and expansions and more hiring
because he got through the suck.
But that doesn't mean it's easy.
It doesn't mean that we wake up and we're immediately edified by our choices.
In fact, you curse your own name a lot when you're looking at the bank balance going,
why did I spend so much on my employees? This is awful.
But you find out why. Life shows you why in lots of different ways.
And in both his case and my case, life showed us why.
Yes, it sucks. And doing the right thing is hard.
Doing the right things by humans is atrociously bad so often.
And is still the thing to do.
That is probably not going to be tomorrow.
But you'll get there. You sometimes have to hold your breath and get through it.
Don't hold your breath too long. 'Cause then I'll have to call the ambulance for you.
I have a couple of control issues.
And I want to control the stuff out of these situations.
But there is no tree. There is just time and universal balance.
And you'll get there someday. But I can't tell you when.
So sorry. Not sorry. But also sorry.
And now we'll go to Allison, who has this week's small talk.
We have a question from Becca in Asheville, North Carolina.
I keep replaying conversations in my head long after they're over —
not just awkward ones, but normal ones too.
Is that anxiety, rumination, or just my brain refusing to shut up?
And how do you get it to stop at 2am?
As somebody who has done a million mental health intakes in my career —
racing thoughts at 2am: you should go talk to somebody.
That's a sign of a lot of things. But if that's the way you're feeling at 2am,
it might be time to talk to somebody.
That said, I replay conversations in my head constantly.
And I'm usually pretty good on my feet.
But there are still some aspects of the social experience that just totally flew by me.
I sense manipulation really fast. That gets my spidey senses tingling.
But there are other more subtle things — like somebody asking for something
without asking for it — that I will totally miss.
I tend to take things at face value maybe more than I should.
Because I just don't want to do the work to figure out what the underlying thing is.
I don't know if we ever stop torturing ourselves about the way things happened.
I do think as you get older, you care less.
I had to make a choice at some point that if somebody wasn't going to tell me what they actually wanted,
that's probably not a person I'm going to communicate with well.
In general, you have to take people by what they say.
Assume that what they said is correct unless they tell you otherwise.
You do get to a point where you're like — I do not have the energy
to dissect this thing 700,000 times.
If somebody needs something or wants something from me, they'll tell me.
But if the dissecting things in the middle of the night is actually keeping you from sleeping —
that's a different conversation. And one you should talk to a clinician about.
Thanks for being here, guys. Have a good day. Love you. Mean it.
Oh God. That was way longer than I meant it to be.
That was supposed to be like a five-minute one. Oh well, Sam.