If we want to calm our raging anxiety and be happy, we'd better learn to shut up and

stop complaining, right?

Maybe.

But maybe not.

A 2015 study in the European Journal of Work and Organizational Psychology by Demiruti and

Krompanzano tried to investigate the effects of complaining on mental health.

The researchers asked half of their participants to write about a situation at work they were

irritated by.

And then they tracked the moods of these participants over the course of their workdays.

They also had another non-complaining control group.

The researchers discovered that the people who complained reported being less satisfied

during the day and even into the next morning than those who didn't complain.

Complaining they concluded does nothing to fix the problem and in fact just makes matters

worse.

But could there be more to it than this?

It's obvious that excessive complaining can damage our relationships and bring other

people down.

But few can argue that good rant now and then isn't satisfying.

The fact is, there will always be something annoying, unfair or uncomfortable in life.

We can't pretend it isn't there or lie and say that it doesn't bother us, so perhaps

it's worth figuring out how to complain properly.

In the book The Squeaky Wheel, Guy Winch explains the technique he calls the Complaint

Sandwich.

This is a way to make complaints so that they actually help solve your problems rather than

just exacerbate your bad feelings about those problems.

Here's how to make the sandwich.

The first slice of bread is the ear opener to gently introduce your complaint to another

person.

The meat of the sandwich is the complaint itself.

The other piece of bread is the digestive, which helps the complaint go down better.

For example, note the three parts in the following sandwich.

I'm very happy you've agreed to take on this project.

You haven't followed the instructions for the first part though, I'm sure it was just

a mix-up, but if you could sort it out as soon as possible I would really appreciate

it.

You see, the problem with the way the people in Demirudi and Crumponzano's study complained

was that it was impotent.

The complaints never served any purpose and never went anywhere, but complaining can be

put to good use if we approach it with either a solution or a very particular goal in mind.

Stretchy complaining can actually be empowering if done correctly.

You could complain about the weather to break the ice and make small talk with someone you

don't know.

You could complain to make sure others know not to take you for granted or try to wriggle

out of responsibilities.

You could complain to bring attention to unacceptable behavior.

Kowalski and colleagues published a study in the Journal of Social Psychology that asked

the question, how do happy people complain?

They concluded that happy, or more accurately mindful people, tended to complain in a deliberate

way and complained productively.

The authors claim, perhaps people who are more mindful modulate the type of complaints

they offer, preferring to engage in instrumental types of complaints over expressive complaints,

whereby expressing complaints only when they believe they will accomplish desired outcomes.

So how do we engage in more instrumental complaining?

One thing is to make sure that we don't dwell.

Expressing unhappiness can be cathartic, can lower anxiety, and can get things moving.

But if we don't stop complaining, we risk dwelling on those bad feelings and milking

them for what they're worth.

If you have something to whine about, put limits on it.

Limit how long you'll vent and who you'll vent to.

It's about moderation.

It's seldom wise to complain excessively to someone you don't know well, so pick your

audience wisely.

Tell yourself that you're getting something off your chest, but after that you will either

take constructive action or you will keep quiet.

If something continues to bother you, use the energy of annoyance to power you to do

something about it.

If you cannot materially change your situation, then you could pick up your journal.

But again, your intention counts.

Instead of passively listing everything that's wrong in your life, use the written word as

a way to process and release negative emotions rather than nurture them.

Try to find some meaning or purpose in your annoyance, or use those pages to explore ways

that you could cope and be more resilient.