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How to listen, hear, and validate. Break  

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through invisible barriers and 
transform your relationships.

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Written by Patrick King. 
Narrated by Russell Newton.

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Picture a couple having a discussion 
one day, that quickly turns heated.

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It goes a little something like this -

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A - “So the doctor called and they 
have the results from my test back…”

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B - “Oh my god, so what was the result?”

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A - “Well, they said everything’s clear.

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The first test was just a fluke, apparently.

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There’s nothing to worry about.”

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B - “What?!

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That’s amazing!

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I’m so glad to hear that!

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You must be so relieved…”

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A - “Well, actually, I don’t know…”

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B - “You’re not relieved?”

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A - “It’s hard to explain.

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I guess I’m a bit…disappointed?

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That sounds strange.

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But I was really kind of expecting a scary result.

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And I almost feel a bit let down?

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I know that sounds silly…”

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B - “That is silly.

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You’re crazy.

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You have no idea how lucky you are.

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We should go out to celebrate.”

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A - “Uh, can we not?

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I’m just not feeling it…”

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B - “What’s wrong with you?

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You’re being ridiculous.

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You don’t mean to say you 
wish the test was positive?

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That’s crazy…”

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And so on.

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Can you imagine A continuing to try and explain 
how they really felt, with B rejecting the whole  

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idea as bizarre, or even getting a little angry 
and judging A for not being grateful or excited?

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Consider how the conversation 
could have gone otherwise -

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A - “So the doctor called and they 
have the results from my test back…”

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B - “Oh my god, so what was the result?”

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A - “Well, they said everything’s clear.

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The first test was just a fluke, apparently.

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There’s nothing to worry about.”

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B - “What?!

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That’s amazing!

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I’m so glad to hear that!

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You must be so relieved…”

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A - “Well, actually, I don’t know…”

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B - “You’re not relieved?”

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A - “It’s hard to explain.

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I guess I’m a bit…disappointed?

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That sounds strange.

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But I was really kind of expecting a scary result.

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And I almost feel a bit let down?

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I know that sounds silly…”

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B - “No, it’s not silly.

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Can you explain what you mean?

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I’m pretty relieved to hear you’re 
OK, but you seem a little unsure…”

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A - “Yeah, I don’t know…maybe I had already 
mentally prepared myself for it being positive…”

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B - “Tell me more.”

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Imagine the conversation then moving on 
to A explaining how they feel and why,  

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with B listening closely, not so they 
could argue against A’s feelings,  

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but so they could better understand and 
support them, even if they did seem strange.

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What’s the difference in the second conversation?

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The answer is validation.

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In this book, we’re going to be looking at the 
power of validation - what it is, what it isn’t,  

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and how it can be used to deepen relationships, 
grow empathy and improve communication.

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Validation is something that seems easy to 
understand conceptually, but can be subtle  

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and difficult to grasp in real life.

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In trying to understand what validation is, 
it can be helpful to look at what it isn’t.

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In the first conversation, 
B’s attitude was dismissive.

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By calling A silly, crazy, and ridiculous,  

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the message was clear - the way that A felt 
(and by extension, A themselves) was wrong.

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In fact, B asks, “What’s wrong with you?” 
and then proceeds to say how A should feel.

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Granted, this is an extreme example (B 
is definitely a jerk in this scenario!),  

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but we can clearly see the spirit of invalidation.

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When we invalidate someone, 
we deny their experience.

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We contradict them, undermine them, doubt 
them, disagree with them or judge them.

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We tell them that what they feel or perceive 
is wrong, mistaken, useless, undesirable.

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We tell them that what they are going through is 
not really justifiable, legitimate or “logical."

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Sometimes, we may act as though the way they 
feel is in violation of some objective reality,  

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and they should be ashamed of their feelings.

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To sum it up, invalidation is about not 
accepting the person in front of us, as they are.

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When we invalidate someone, what we might 
be responding to is their emotional reality,  

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their thoughts, speech, behavior, beliefs,  

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perspectives or ideas—but in the process we may 
more or less invalidate them as individuals.

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There’s a fine line between saying “your reaction 
is too much” and saying “you are too much.”

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It may seem like invalidation is 
quite an aggressive thing to do,  

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but in reality, invalidations can be small,  

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subtle, and even take place under the guise 
of genuine concern or an attempt to help.

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For example, many parents will tell a 
frightened child not to be so silly,  

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and that there’s nothing to be scared about.

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Though they intend to help, the message 
the child hears is “you’re wrong somehow."

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If they shouldn’t be scared, but they 
are, what does that say about them?

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Likewise, consider these small, yet 
nevertheless invalidating statements -

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“You like mayonnaise with your fries?

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Weird.”

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“Hey, don’t take it so personally!”

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“You’re upset about your stressful job?

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What about people who don’t even have 
jobs—how do you think that makes them feel?”

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“You’re not being reasonable 
right now, calm down.”

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“Lots of people say they don’t want kids—but 
you’ll change your mind, just wait!”

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Though we’ve all been the recipients of 
statements like the ones above—or maybe  

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said things like this to others—it’s difficult 
to pinpoint just how invalidating they can be.

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What’s missing in the above sentiments?

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What makes them feel so bad to hear?

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In the chapters that follow, we’ll understand 
validation as the act of acknowledging and  

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accepting another person’s experience, i.e. 
communicating that it is inherently valid.

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Validation doesn’t mean we agree 
with the other person, or like  

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what they are experiencing, or even understand it.

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But it does mean we recognize that their 
experience has the right to exist as it is.

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If we see someone is angry, we could try to 
push back against the anger, argue with it,  

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deny it or avoid it; or, we could acknowledge that 
the person is angry, and that’s the way it is.

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Many people struggle with giving validation 
because they genuinely cannot see the point.

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If someone is having a different 
internal experience to them,  

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or their perceptions don’t match with 
what they consider “objective reality,”  

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they seem to forget about the need to 
be compassionate, understanding or kind.

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Imagine, for example, that Jeremy has started to 
hear voices that aren’t there, and he’s petrified.

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He talks to a close friend about his concerns, 
but the friend immediately tells him that the  

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voices aren’t there, he knows they 
aren’t there, so what’s the problem?

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The friend may start to talk about medications 
to get the voices to go away, but in his own way,  

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he tells Jeremy that being afraid of 
imaginary voices doesn’t actually make sense.

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Now imagine that Jeremy 
goes to a different friend.

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He shares his concerns and this friend 
looks not at what’s real and not real,  

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what’s a reasonable reaction and what 
isn’t, but how Jeremy is actually feeling.

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They tell him that being afraid 
is normal and understandable.

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In other words, the objective facts of his  

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experience are not as important as 
his internal, subjective experience.

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The first friend invalidated this 
experience, whereas the second validated it.

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People who are quite practically minded 
may have trouble with the concept of  

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validation because it seems more natural 
for them to look for obvious solutions,  

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to gather data, to identify problems 
in the “real world” and fix them.

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They may mistakenly think that validation 
means agreeing with something that’s wrong,  

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or doing nothing to actually remedy the problem.

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But validation is an important and 
necessary part of human communication,  

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even if it is not focused on 
verifying or solving an issue.

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When we focus only on “facts,” we may 
miss the emotional content—which is  

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often one of the more important reasons 
for communicating in the first place.

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Most of us like to think we 
are empathic and understanding,  

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but mastering real validation can take some 
practice, and we all miss the mark sometimes.

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After all, who hasn’t tried to “cheer 
up” a friend when they felt down,  

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reassuring them that things weren’t really so bad?

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Why Validation Is So Important

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All human beings want to feel that they are, 
at their core, acceptable, even lovable.

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We all want to feel that other people see us,  

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acknowledge who we are, and 
generally find us to have value.

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When you practice the art of validation, you 
learn how to give this experience to others.

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When we validate people, we accept 
them for who they really are.

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What better way to be a good 
friend, partner or parent?

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When you validate someone, 
you give them real support,  

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letting them know that they are not alone.

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Life can be confusing and difficult for all 
of us, but when we are genuinely validated,  

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we can feel reassured that we are on the 
right path, and that our experience is normal.

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Willpower is great, but any single 
person only has so much of it.

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Haven’t you felt stronger 
and more capable when you  

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had the support of many other people behind you?

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Picture someone who is working really hard 
to overcome a food addiction and lose weight.

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They may feel completely defeated and alone when,  

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months later, nobody has 
even noticed their progress.

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On the other hand, having work colleagues 
check in regularly, acknowledge the hard  

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journey they’re on, and even recognize the 
results can make it so much easier to carry on.

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In today’s world, people are arguably more 
isolated and divided than ever before,  

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with many having little to draw on 
in terms of family or community.

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But if we don’t have fellow human beings 
to accompany us through life’s challenges,  

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to acknowledge our presence and even enjoy 
it, to reflect back to us who we are and the  

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effect of our actions—well, we can soon start 
to feel like we don’t really exist at all.

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You can probably remember a time 
when someone paid you a really  

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thoughtful compliment about who you were as 
a person, and how great it made you feel.

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Compare that to the crushing sense 
of alienation you have when a person  

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you thought knew you well buys you a 
completely bizarre gift that you hate!

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Of course, it’s not just about how many people 
are in your life; without real validation and  

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acceptance, it’s possible to feel completely 
alone and unseen in a room full of people.

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We may feel lost or out of 
place, even in our own families,  

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or like foreigners even in our own countries.

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An absence of genuine validation is behind 
someone who, after twenty years of marriage,  

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can look at their spouse and say, 
“I have no idea who you even are.”

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Being seen and heard, on the other hand, 
gives life a solidity and a sense of meaning.

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It adds richness, color and depth to our days.

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When others witness and confirm our experience,  

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it’s as though it becomes more 
real and manageable for us.

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If you can learn to really see and validate 
people as they are, you are simultaneously  

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giving them and yourself a wonderful gift 
that’s in pretty short supply in today’s world.

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When we are validated, we feel 
more resilient to life’s problems,  

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and can regulate our emotions more effectively.

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We feel like ourselves; when 
others see and acknowledge us,  

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it is as confirming to our identity as looking 
into a mirror and seeing an image look back at us.

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Through others’ sincere response, 
we learn about who we are.

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We see them react to us, care for us, 
listen to us, and in so doing it seems  

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like our persona takes shape, and we can 
see the outlines of ourselves more clearly.

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It goes a little deeper, too.

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When we validate someone,  

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we not only see the person in front 
of us, but accept them, completely.

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We communicate, with our nonjudgmental attention,  

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that they are worth knowing, 
and they are important.

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Even if we don’t fully comprehend what 
it’s like to be in another person’s shoes,  

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it’s still wonderful to show that we 
care enough to try and comprehend it.

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Many parents, for example, cannot really 
get inside their teenage children’s heads,  

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but sometimes all that’s needed is 
for that teenager to feel that their  

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mom or dad cares enough to make 
the effort in the first place.

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This isn’t to say that validation is only 
beneficial for the person receiving it.

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When validation flows from one 
person to another, both benefit.

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The shared relationship instantly becomes 
more authentic, more trusting and more honest.

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When people feel seen and accepted,  

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they are more able to return the kindness 
to others, strengthening those connections.

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In fact, there may now be evidence 
that being validated by someone  

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can literally cause changes in the 
neurotransmitters released in your brain.

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Validation is about affirming 
someone else’s emotional reality,  

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but it’s also about recognizing that they 
live in a completely different world to you,  

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and inhabit a perspective 
entirely separate from your own.

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If you can undertake any conversation with the 
spirit of validation, you are able to respect  

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and honor the fact that the other person 
is not you, and doesn’t think like you.

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Validation encourages deeper understanding.

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Not only will this make you a better communicator,  

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but it will expand your world view, and you 
may even learn something in the process.

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Isn’t Validation The Same As Empathy?

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In reading about the virtues and 
benefits of practicing validation,  

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you might have wondered whether it’s the same 
thing as simply being kind and compassionate.

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In many ways, these concepts 
do overlap to some degree.

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A person with good validation skills may 
on the surface be indistinguishable from  

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someone who is empathetic, nonjudgmental, or 
simply skilled at showing interest in others.

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But there are differences.

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Showing sympathy is acknowledging 
someone else’s experience,  

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but as seen through our own frame of reference.

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For example, knowing that someone 
else is nervous giving a speech  

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because you yourself would be 
anxious doing the same thing.

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Showing empathy is looking inside someone else’s 
experiences and feeling what that feels like,  

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from that person’s point 
of view, and not your own.

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For example, you can imagine 
what it feels like to be the  

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person terrified of giving a speech even 
though you yourself love public speaking.

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Showing validation, however, 
is a little different.

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This is where we communicate that we have 
seen or heard the other person’s experience,  

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and that it has inherent validity.

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So, we can listen to our friend 
telling us how scared they are to  

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give their speech and acknowledge 
it, and take that at face value.

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Our own feelings on public 
speaking don’t matter at all,  

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and in fact, nobody else’s opinion matters either.

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00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:40,400
When we acknowledge the inherent 
validity of someone else’s experience,  

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we are doing something a little 
different from having empathy.

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When we are sympathetic or empathetic, 
we are shifting or expanding frames of  

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reference to better understand 
another person’s experience.

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But with validation, we take their experience 
as the only frame of reference that matters.

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Someone’s feelings or thoughts might not 
be pleasant, or sensical, or popular,  

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or permissible, or even understandable.

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00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:17,520
But they are nevertheless valid, 
because they are there, and they exist.

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As you can see, it’s a subtle point that can make 
rather a large difference when put into practice.

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Empathy can often lead people to 
feel validated, but not necessarily.

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For example, someone might feel very sorry 
for a friend who is having difficulties,  

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and empathize completely, while still believing 
that their experience is not completely valid—i.e.

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“I genuinely feel bad for you, but I 
still think you’re just overreacting."

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We’ll explore how to combine empathy 
and validation later on in the book.

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Validation—one Of The 
Clearest Ways To Express Care

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There’s the stereotypical argument that is 
said to occasionally unfold between men and  

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women - the woman may be upset about 
something, and tells the man about it,  

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00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:16,160
who then proceeds to try and 
find ways to fix the problem,  

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00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:22,680
despite the woman claiming over and 
over, “I just want you to listen!”

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00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:26,280
Validation has a big role to 
play in validating negative  

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00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:31,120
feelings or supporting those experiencing stress.

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00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:36,960
Psychologists originally explored its power 
in helping people who feel suicidal or deeply  

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00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:42,320
distressed, but soon put the principle of 
validation at the center of all their work.

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00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:45,320
After all, when people seek mental health care,  

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they are often simply seeking 
comfort and reassurance.

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00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:54,800
Researchers Tian, Solomon 
and Brisini at Penn State  

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00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:59,080
University published a 2020 paper 
in the Journal of Communication  

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00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:05,640
describing how validation can be used to 
improve our normal ways of comforting people.

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00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:10,000
They found that the language people 
use can have a massive impact.

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00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:18,320
For example, most people don’t respond well to 
being told (subtly or not so subtly) how to feel.

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00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:22,920
For example, most of us bristle 
at platitudes like “there there,  

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00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:28,760
don’t cry now” or “come on, 
try to look at the good side."

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00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:35,360
Instead, it may be more effective to simply 
enquire about how the person actually is feeling,  

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rather than telling them to feel some other way.

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This way, they can express themselves 
and reach their own conclusions,  

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deciding for themselves what action to take next.

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The authors also found that it’s best to 
avoid language that minimizes feelings.

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00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:58,880
For example, if someone has just confided in 
you that they are feeling severely depressed,  

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it’s obviously not a good idea 
to shake it off as “the blues”  

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00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:06,760
and tell them they just need a good night’s sleep.

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00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:10,040
It’s true that these comments 
may come from a good place,  

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00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:13,160
but they could actually have the opposite effect.

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00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:17,480
If someone feels judged, 
controlled, ignored or ridiculed,  

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00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:25,160
they’ll obviously feel less inclined to 
take the help offered, even if it’s sincere.

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00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:31,320
The trouble is that these sorts of comments may 
well have been beneficial in another context.

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00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:36,640
Offering advice or helpful suggestions is 
usually just people’s way of trying to be useful.

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00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:41,640
They may indeed be very skilled communicators 
and have the best of intentions.

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00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:48,240
But, importantly, validation is not 
like other communication techniques.

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00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:53,360
The purpose and outcome of validation 
is completely different to, say,  

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00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:57,840
offering advice or giving helpful feedback.

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00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:03,960
To return to the stereotypical argument we began 
with, the man might say (quite rightly) that he  

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00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:09,600
is attempting to help, that his solution would 
work, and that the woman is being ridiculous by  

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00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:15,360
continuing to be upset when a perfectly 
good solution is right in front of her.

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00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:19,200
But the woman might say (quite 
rightly) that she hasn’t asked  

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00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:25,920
for advice or problem-solving; she 
wants comfort, that is, validation.

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00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:31,480
In a way, validation digs a little deeper 
than most communication skills and techniques,  

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00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:35,800
and gets to the heart of our emotional experience.

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00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:42,040
You can be an excellent listener, compassionate, 
intelligent and great at offering useful advice,  

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00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:48,280
but none of it matters if what 
is needed is direct validation.

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00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:50,840
So, we’ve seen the kind of 
things we shouldn’t say,  

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00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:55,600
but what do you say to someone 
to validate their experience?

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00:23:55,600 --> 00:24:01,080
Remember, when we provide validation, we 
are communicating that someone’s experience,  

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00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:03,960
and they themselves, are inherently valid.

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00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:05,880
So, we can use phrases like -

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00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:09,040
•“It’s understandable you’d feel that way.”

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00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:10,120
•“Yes, that makes sense.

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00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:12,680
I can see why you say that.”

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00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:16,360
•“It’s perfectly normal that you think that.”

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00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:20,120
•“I’m sorry that you’re 
having a hard time with this.”

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00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:24,080
•“Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?”

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00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:28,880
•“I can see why you feel XYZ. ”

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00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:32,080
When validating someone, sometimes the best thing  

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00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:38,400
we can do for them is to simply create a 
little space for them to be as they are.

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00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:42,200
Often, we’re compelled to 
jump in and say something,  

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00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:47,760
anything, but that’s just because 
we ourselves are uncomfortable.

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00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:51,960
It’s possible to communicate a great 
deal of compassion and acceptance  

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00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:58,320
with simple sounds like “uh-huh” and 
“mmm” or simply listening and nodding.

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00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:03,920
This way, you are lavishing your 
full attention of the other person,  

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00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:09,320
without trying to push your own interpretation.

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00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:13,200
Validation rests on centering the other person.

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00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:19,920
This means that the person and their experience 
are the priority—and other people’s opinions,  

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00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:26,800
society’s expectations, judgments, 
and criticisms are set aside.

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00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:31,960
To center someone means to acknowledge 
that the individual themselves is the  

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00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:35,600
ultimate authority on their own inner experience.

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00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:39,160
So, if they express that they are 
feeling scared even though it looks  

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00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:45,080
to you and everyone else like anger, you 
take their word for it and assume that yes,  

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00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:52,840
in their internal experience, they are scared.

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00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:58,480
Validating The Right Way And In The Right Moment

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00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:01,080
Is validation always the right approach?

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00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:04,040
Are there some things we shouldn’t validate?

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00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:06,720
For example, should you really validate someone’s  

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00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:13,320
experience if they are talking about or 
planning harm to themselves or others?

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00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:17,640
On a less serious note, should you 
validate someone’s complaint—when  

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00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:22,080
it’s the fiftieth complaint you’ve 
already heard from them that day?

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00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:25,160
Do you have to validate someone’s experience when,  

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00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:31,920
to be frank, you’re exhausted and you’d 
rather they didn’t dump it all on you?

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00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:38,080
Validation can indeed have unintended 
consequences, and isn’t a cure-all.

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00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:44,160
There are times when this strategy is less 
appropriate, and may even have negative outcomes.

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00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:49,200
Validation is undoubtedly one of the best 
relationship and communication tools,  

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00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:53,480
but it shouldn’t be used with 
everyone, in every event.

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00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:56,920
We still need to carefully evaluate the situation,  

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00:26:56,920 --> 00:27:02,920
observe the consequences of our 
actions and adapt accordingly.

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00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:07,160
Though we don’t have the scope to 
explore the topic of narcissism or  

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00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:11,600
personality disorders fully in this 
book, it’s worth mentioning that we  

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00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:18,560
should proceed with caution when a person has 
a seemingly bottomless need for validation.

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00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:24,400
Narcissists lack self-awareness or the ability 
to empathize, and will typically be unable  

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00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:32,000
to connect meaningfully with you, no matter 
how much or how genuinely you validate them.

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00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:39,440
They might soak up validation and demand more and 
more, trampling your boundaries in the process.

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00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:45,560
You might quickly find yourself embroiled 
in an unhealthy or codependent dynamic.

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00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:49,560
Does this mean you should never 
validate a narcissist’s experience?

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00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:50,840
Of course not.

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00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:54,600
It just means you need to be a little 
more careful with how you do so,  

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00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:58,120
while respecting your own needs and boundaries.

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00:27:59,360 --> 00:28:04,560
Since all human beings need and deserve 
validation, there’s nobody who should be  

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00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:13,200
denied it—but whether you should be the person to 
give it in any one moment is for you to decide.

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00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:20,120
Validation is almost always a good thing, with the 
caveat that it is sometimes not enough on its own.

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00:28:20,120 --> 00:28:26,760
With this in mind, there are a 
few red flags to watch out for -

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00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:34,960
Red flag 1 - Aggressive, 
illegal or inappropriate acts

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00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:39,960
Perhaps someone confesses to you 
something bad they’ve done, or plan to do.

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00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:42,960
Perhaps someone is being 
threatening and unreasonable.

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00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:49,120
There’s no reason why you cannot listen, 
validate their experience, and ask questions.

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00:28:49,120 --> 00:28:51,840
There’s no reason not to have compassion.

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00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:58,040
However, validation on its own is 
dangerously close to being complicit.

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00:28:58,920 --> 00:29:05,160
Use understanding and compassion, but try to 
get the other person to take beneficial action,  

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00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:11,840
or, in extreme cases, alert authorities yourself.

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00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:17,440
Red flag 2 - Energy vampires

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00:29:17,440 --> 00:29:21,840
We all feel vulnerable sometimes, 
and need validation and support.

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00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:26,720
But if you’re dealing with someone who wants to 
sap the life out of you constantly while never  

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00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:32,200
taking any concrete steps to help themselves, 
you may need to tighten up your boundaries.

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00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:38,720
Validation is great, but you may actually 
help them more by saying, “That sounds tough.

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00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:41,840
What are you going to do about it?”

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00:29:41,840 --> 00:29:48,200
Red flag 3 - Someone seeking advice or clarity

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00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:50,040
Validation always feels good.

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00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:55,600
But sometimes, what really puts a person’s 
mind at ease is knowledge and understanding.

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00:29:55,600 --> 00:29:59,880
If someone is anxious about a performance 
review at work, for example, it might be  

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00:29:59,880 --> 00:30:04,600
more appropriate to stay professional and 
address their actual concerns with facts  

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00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:10,800
and grounded reassurance, rather than 
focusing on their emotional reality.

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00:30:10,800 --> 00:30:12,800
Depending on the person or the situation,  

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00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:18,320
being told “I’m so sorry you’re worried about 
your performance review” doesn’t feel as good  

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00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:25,360
as being told “you’re performing in the upper 
third of your class, don’t worry, you’re fine."

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00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:28,240
In truth, there’s very little harm to be done  

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00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:32,600
when all you’re doing is listening and 
accepting the person in front of you.

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00:30:32,600 --> 00:30:37,240
Nevertheless, it’s worth asking 
“is this helping?” periodically  

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00:30:37,240 --> 00:30:44,120
and adapting according to your honest answer.

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00:30:44,120 --> 00:30:46,840
Summary

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00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:52,360
•When we validate someone, we convey our 
acceptance of that person’s experiences,  

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00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:55,680
emotions, thoughts, and realities.

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00:30:55,680 --> 00:31:03,680
Conversely, when we invalidate someone, we deny or 
minimize the importance of their issues and needs.

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00:31:03,680 --> 00:31:05,880
Though validation is a common word these days,  

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00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:11,800
it’s not always clear how best to 
or even why we should engage in it.

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00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:16,960
The fact is that every person’s 
experience is inherently valid  

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00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:21,760
and instead of exercising judgement, we 
should try and accept people as they are.

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00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:27,920
However, acceptance must not 
be confused with agreement.

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00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:32,760
•The concept of validation is especially 
relevant in our present age because of  

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00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:36,680
how socially isolated we are as individuals.

390
00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:40,280
Validating someone is a way of 
expressing solidarity with them,  

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00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:44,040
and makes the other person 
feel heard and understood.

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00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:50,560
It adds a richness and sense of ease to life 
that would otherwise be missing if we felt  

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00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:58,000
that we have to go through life’s travails 
alone and without anyone else’s support.

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00:31:58,000 --> 00:32:03,240
•Many people tend to confuse 
sympathy, empathy, and validation,  

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00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:08,360
and there is indeed significant 
overlap between the three concepts.

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00:32:08,360 --> 00:32:10,960
However, sympathy is when we see other’s  

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00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:15,400
experiences through our own 
lens and react accordingly.

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00:32:15,400 --> 00:32:23,160
When empathizing, we try to relate to other’s 
experiences the way they are experiencing them.

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00:32:23,160 --> 00:32:27,840
Lastly, validation is merely expressing 
your belief that someone else’s  

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00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:33,960
experience is inherently valid.

401
00:32:33,960 --> 00:32:39,840
•It’s natural to wonder to what extent 
and how often we should validate others.

402
00:32:39,840 --> 00:32:45,560
We can’t always validate things, especially 
when doing so could have adverse effects.

403
00:32:45,560 --> 00:32:52,640
For example, validating someone’s aggressive and 
potentially dangerous behavior is a bad idea.

404
00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:57,600
Similarly, we must be wary of energy 
vampire who suck the life out of you  

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00:32:57,600 --> 00:33:05,640
by endlessly complaining without taking any 
concrete steps to ameliorate their situation.

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00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:10,920
Lastly, giving unsolicited 
advice is generally unadvisable,  

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00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:15,160
but if someone is actively 
looking for guidance from you,  

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00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:23,200
substituting it with validation isn’t a good 
idea because it isn’t serving any purpose.

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00:33:23,200 --> 00:33:25,600
This has been How to Listen,  

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00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:32,080
Hear and Validate. Break through invisible 
barriers and transform your relationships.

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00:33:32,080 --> 00:33:37,240
Written by Patrick King. Narrated 
by Russell Newton. Copyright 2021  

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00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:47,960
by Patrick King. Production 
Copyright by Patrick King.