How to listen, hear, and validate. Break
through invisible barriers and transform your relationships.
Written by Patrick King. Narrated by Russell Newton.
Picture a couple having a discussion one day, that quickly turns heated.
It goes a little something like this -
A - “So the doctor called and they have the results from my test back…”
B - “Oh my god, so what was the result?”
A - “Well, they said everything’s clear.
The first test was just a fluke, apparently.
There’s nothing to worry about.”
B - “What?!
That’s amazing!
I’m so glad to hear that!
You must be so relieved…”
A - “Well, actually, I don’t know…”
B - “You’re not relieved?”
A - “It’s hard to explain.
I guess I’m a bit…disappointed?
That sounds strange.
But I was really kind of expecting a scary result.
And I almost feel a bit let down?
I know that sounds silly…”
B - “That is silly.
You’re crazy.
You have no idea how lucky you are.
We should go out to celebrate.”
A - “Uh, can we not?
I’m just not feeling it…”
B - “What’s wrong with you?
You’re being ridiculous.
You don’t mean to say you wish the test was positive?
That’s crazy…”
And so on.
Can you imagine A continuing to try and explain how they really felt, with B rejecting the whole
idea as bizarre, or even getting a little angry and judging A for not being grateful or excited?
Consider how the conversation could have gone otherwise -
A - “So the doctor called and they have the results from my test back…”
B - “Oh my god, so what was the result?”
A - “Well, they said everything’s clear.
The first test was just a fluke, apparently.
There’s nothing to worry about.”
B - “What?!
That’s amazing!
I’m so glad to hear that!
You must be so relieved…”
A - “Well, actually, I don’t know…”
B - “You’re not relieved?”
A - “It’s hard to explain.
I guess I’m a bit…disappointed?
That sounds strange.
But I was really kind of expecting a scary result.
And I almost feel a bit let down?
I know that sounds silly…”
B - “No, it’s not silly.
Can you explain what you mean?
I’m pretty relieved to hear you’re OK, but you seem a little unsure…”
A - “Yeah, I don’t know…maybe I had already mentally prepared myself for it being positive…”
B - “Tell me more.”
Imagine the conversation then moving on to A explaining how they feel and why,
with B listening closely, not so they could argue against A’s feelings,
but so they could better understand and support them, even if they did seem strange.
What’s the difference in the second conversation?
The answer is validation.
In this book, we’re going to be looking at the power of validation - what it is, what it isn’t,
and how it can be used to deepen relationships, grow empathy and improve communication.
Validation is something that seems easy to understand conceptually, but can be subtle
and difficult to grasp in real life.
In trying to understand what validation is, it can be helpful to look at what it isn’t.
In the first conversation, B’s attitude was dismissive.
By calling A silly, crazy, and ridiculous,
the message was clear - the way that A felt (and by extension, A themselves) was wrong.
In fact, B asks, “What’s wrong with you?” and then proceeds to say how A should feel.
Granted, this is an extreme example (B is definitely a jerk in this scenario!),
but we can clearly see the spirit of invalidation.
When we invalidate someone, we deny their experience.
We contradict them, undermine them, doubt them, disagree with them or judge them.
We tell them that what they feel or perceive is wrong, mistaken, useless, undesirable.
We tell them that what they are going through is not really justifiable, legitimate or “logical."
Sometimes, we may act as though the way they feel is in violation of some objective reality,
and they should be ashamed of their feelings.
To sum it up, invalidation is about not accepting the person in front of us, as they are.
When we invalidate someone, what we might be responding to is their emotional reality,
their thoughts, speech, behavior, beliefs,
perspectives or ideas—but in the process we may more or less invalidate them as individuals.
There’s a fine line between saying “your reaction is too much” and saying “you are too much.”
It may seem like invalidation is quite an aggressive thing to do,
but in reality, invalidations can be small,
subtle, and even take place under the guise of genuine concern or an attempt to help.
For example, many parents will tell a frightened child not to be so silly,
and that there’s nothing to be scared about.
Though they intend to help, the message the child hears is “you’re wrong somehow."
If they shouldn’t be scared, but they are, what does that say about them?
Likewise, consider these small, yet nevertheless invalidating statements -
“You like mayonnaise with your fries?
Weird.”
“Hey, don’t take it so personally!”
“You’re upset about your stressful job?
What about people who don’t even have jobs—how do you think that makes them feel?”
“You’re not being reasonable right now, calm down.”
“Lots of people say they don’t want kids—but you’ll change your mind, just wait!”
Though we’ve all been the recipients of statements like the ones above—or maybe
said things like this to others—it’s difficult to pinpoint just how invalidating they can be.
What’s missing in the above sentiments?
What makes them feel so bad to hear?
In the chapters that follow, we’ll understand validation as the act of acknowledging and
accepting another person’s experience, i.e. communicating that it is inherently valid.
Validation doesn’t mean we agree with the other person, or like
what they are experiencing, or even understand it.
But it does mean we recognize that their experience has the right to exist as it is.
If we see someone is angry, we could try to push back against the anger, argue with it,
deny it or avoid it; or, we could acknowledge that the person is angry, and that’s the way it is.
Many people struggle with giving validation because they genuinely cannot see the point.
If someone is having a different internal experience to them,
or their perceptions don’t match with what they consider “objective reality,”
they seem to forget about the need to be compassionate, understanding or kind.
Imagine, for example, that Jeremy has started to hear voices that aren’t there, and he’s petrified.
He talks to a close friend about his concerns, but the friend immediately tells him that the
voices aren’t there, he knows they aren’t there, so what’s the problem?
The friend may start to talk about medications to get the voices to go away, but in his own way,
he tells Jeremy that being afraid of imaginary voices doesn’t actually make sense.
Now imagine that Jeremy goes to a different friend.
He shares his concerns and this friend looks not at what’s real and not real,
what’s a reasonable reaction and what isn’t, but how Jeremy is actually feeling.
They tell him that being afraid is normal and understandable.
In other words, the objective facts of his
experience are not as important as his internal, subjective experience.
The first friend invalidated this experience, whereas the second validated it.
People who are quite practically minded may have trouble with the concept of
validation because it seems more natural for them to look for obvious solutions,
to gather data, to identify problems in the “real world” and fix them.
They may mistakenly think that validation means agreeing with something that’s wrong,
or doing nothing to actually remedy the problem.
But validation is an important and necessary part of human communication,
even if it is not focused on verifying or solving an issue.
When we focus only on “facts,” we may miss the emotional content—which is
often one of the more important reasons for communicating in the first place.
Most of us like to think we are empathic and understanding,
but mastering real validation can take some practice, and we all miss the mark sometimes.
After all, who hasn’t tried to “cheer up” a friend when they felt down,
reassuring them that things weren’t really so bad?
Why Validation Is So Important
All human beings want to feel that they are, at their core, acceptable, even lovable.
We all want to feel that other people see us,
acknowledge who we are, and generally find us to have value.
When you practice the art of validation, you learn how to give this experience to others.
When we validate people, we accept them for who they really are.
What better way to be a good friend, partner or parent?
When you validate someone, you give them real support,
letting them know that they are not alone.
Life can be confusing and difficult for all of us, but when we are genuinely validated,
we can feel reassured that we are on the right path, and that our experience is normal.
Willpower is great, but any single person only has so much of it.
Haven’t you felt stronger and more capable when you
had the support of many other people behind you?
Picture someone who is working really hard to overcome a food addiction and lose weight.
They may feel completely defeated and alone when,
months later, nobody has even noticed their progress.
On the other hand, having work colleagues check in regularly, acknowledge the hard
journey they’re on, and even recognize the results can make it so much easier to carry on.
In today’s world, people are arguably more isolated and divided than ever before,
with many having little to draw on in terms of family or community.
But if we don’t have fellow human beings to accompany us through life’s challenges,
to acknowledge our presence and even enjoy it, to reflect back to us who we are and the
effect of our actions—well, we can soon start to feel like we don’t really exist at all.
You can probably remember a time when someone paid you a really
thoughtful compliment about who you were as a person, and how great it made you feel.
Compare that to the crushing sense of alienation you have when a person
you thought knew you well buys you a completely bizarre gift that you hate!
Of course, it’s not just about how many people are in your life; without real validation and
acceptance, it’s possible to feel completely alone and unseen in a room full of people.
We may feel lost or out of place, even in our own families,
or like foreigners even in our own countries.
An absence of genuine validation is behind someone who, after twenty years of marriage,
can look at their spouse and say, “I have no idea who you even are.”
Being seen and heard, on the other hand, gives life a solidity and a sense of meaning.
It adds richness, color and depth to our days.
When others witness and confirm our experience,
it’s as though it becomes more real and manageable for us.
If you can learn to really see and validate people as they are, you are simultaneously
giving them and yourself a wonderful gift that’s in pretty short supply in today’s world.
When we are validated, we feel more resilient to life’s problems,
and can regulate our emotions more effectively.
We feel like ourselves; when others see and acknowledge us,
it is as confirming to our identity as looking into a mirror and seeing an image look back at us.
Through others’ sincere response, we learn about who we are.
We see them react to us, care for us, listen to us, and in so doing it seems
like our persona takes shape, and we can see the outlines of ourselves more clearly.
It goes a little deeper, too.
When we validate someone,
we not only see the person in front of us, but accept them, completely.
We communicate, with our nonjudgmental attention,
that they are worth knowing, and they are important.
Even if we don’t fully comprehend what it’s like to be in another person’s shoes,
it’s still wonderful to show that we care enough to try and comprehend it.
Many parents, for example, cannot really get inside their teenage children’s heads,
but sometimes all that’s needed is for that teenager to feel that their
mom or dad cares enough to make the effort in the first place.
This isn’t to say that validation is only beneficial for the person receiving it.
When validation flows from one person to another, both benefit.
The shared relationship instantly becomes more authentic, more trusting and more honest.
When people feel seen and accepted,
they are more able to return the kindness to others, strengthening those connections.
In fact, there may now be evidence that being validated by someone
can literally cause changes in the neurotransmitters released in your brain.
Validation is about affirming someone else’s emotional reality,
but it’s also about recognizing that they live in a completely different world to you,
and inhabit a perspective entirely separate from your own.
If you can undertake any conversation with the spirit of validation, you are able to respect
and honor the fact that the other person is not you, and doesn’t think like you.
Validation encourages deeper understanding.
Not only will this make you a better communicator,
but it will expand your world view, and you may even learn something in the process.
Isn’t Validation The Same As Empathy?
In reading about the virtues and benefits of practicing validation,
you might have wondered whether it’s the same thing as simply being kind and compassionate.
In many ways, these concepts do overlap to some degree.
A person with good validation skills may on the surface be indistinguishable from
someone who is empathetic, nonjudgmental, or simply skilled at showing interest in others.
But there are differences.
Showing sympathy is acknowledging someone else’s experience,
but as seen through our own frame of reference.
For example, knowing that someone else is nervous giving a speech
because you yourself would be anxious doing the same thing.
Showing empathy is looking inside someone else’s experiences and feeling what that feels like,
from that person’s point of view, and not your own.
For example, you can imagine what it feels like to be the
person terrified of giving a speech even though you yourself love public speaking.
Showing validation, however, is a little different.
This is where we communicate that we have seen or heard the other person’s experience,
and that it has inherent validity.
So, we can listen to our friend telling us how scared they are to
give their speech and acknowledge it, and take that at face value.
Our own feelings on public speaking don’t matter at all,
and in fact, nobody else’s opinion matters either.
When we acknowledge the inherent validity of someone else’s experience,
we are doing something a little different from having empathy.
When we are sympathetic or empathetic, we are shifting or expanding frames of
reference to better understand another person’s experience.
But with validation, we take their experience as the only frame of reference that matters.
Someone’s feelings or thoughts might not be pleasant, or sensical, or popular,
or permissible, or even understandable.
But they are nevertheless valid, because they are there, and they exist.
As you can see, it’s a subtle point that can make rather a large difference when put into practice.
Empathy can often lead people to feel validated, but not necessarily.
For example, someone might feel very sorry for a friend who is having difficulties,
and empathize completely, while still believing that their experience is not completely valid—i.e.
“I genuinely feel bad for you, but I still think you’re just overreacting."
We’ll explore how to combine empathy and validation later on in the book.
Validation—one Of The Clearest Ways To Express Care
There’s the stereotypical argument that is said to occasionally unfold between men and
women - the woman may be upset about something, and tells the man about it,
who then proceeds to try and find ways to fix the problem,
despite the woman claiming over and over, “I just want you to listen!”
Validation has a big role to play in validating negative
feelings or supporting those experiencing stress.
Psychologists originally explored its power in helping people who feel suicidal or deeply
distressed, but soon put the principle of validation at the center of all their work.
After all, when people seek mental health care,
they are often simply seeking comfort and reassurance.
Researchers Tian, Solomon and Brisini at Penn State
University published a 2020 paper in the Journal of Communication
describing how validation can be used to improve our normal ways of comforting people.
They found that the language people use can have a massive impact.
For example, most people don’t respond well to being told (subtly or not so subtly) how to feel.
For example, most of us bristle at platitudes like “there there,
don’t cry now” or “come on, try to look at the good side."
Instead, it may be more effective to simply enquire about how the person actually is feeling,
rather than telling them to feel some other way.
This way, they can express themselves and reach their own conclusions,
deciding for themselves what action to take next.
The authors also found that it’s best to avoid language that minimizes feelings.
For example, if someone has just confided in you that they are feeling severely depressed,
it’s obviously not a good idea to shake it off as “the blues”
and tell them they just need a good night’s sleep.
It’s true that these comments may come from a good place,
but they could actually have the opposite effect.
If someone feels judged, controlled, ignored or ridiculed,
they’ll obviously feel less inclined to take the help offered, even if it’s sincere.
The trouble is that these sorts of comments may well have been beneficial in another context.
Offering advice or helpful suggestions is usually just people’s way of trying to be useful.
They may indeed be very skilled communicators and have the best of intentions.
But, importantly, validation is not like other communication techniques.
The purpose and outcome of validation is completely different to, say,
offering advice or giving helpful feedback.
To return to the stereotypical argument we began with, the man might say (quite rightly) that he
is attempting to help, that his solution would work, and that the woman is being ridiculous by
continuing to be upset when a perfectly good solution is right in front of her.
But the woman might say (quite rightly) that she hasn’t asked
for advice or problem-solving; she wants comfort, that is, validation.
In a way, validation digs a little deeper than most communication skills and techniques,
and gets to the heart of our emotional experience.
You can be an excellent listener, compassionate, intelligent and great at offering useful advice,
but none of it matters if what is needed is direct validation.
So, we’ve seen the kind of things we shouldn’t say,
but what do you say to someone to validate their experience?
Remember, when we provide validation, we are communicating that someone’s experience,
and they themselves, are inherently valid.
So, we can use phrases like -
•“It’s understandable you’d feel that way.”
•“Yes, that makes sense.
I can see why you say that.”
•“It’s perfectly normal that you think that.”
•“I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time with this.”
•“Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?”
•“I can see why you feel XYZ. ”
When validating someone, sometimes the best thing
we can do for them is to simply create a little space for them to be as they are.
Often, we’re compelled to jump in and say something,
anything, but that’s just because we ourselves are uncomfortable.
It’s possible to communicate a great deal of compassion and acceptance
with simple sounds like “uh-huh” and “mmm” or simply listening and nodding.
This way, you are lavishing your full attention of the other person,
without trying to push your own interpretation.
Validation rests on centering the other person.
This means that the person and their experience are the priority—and other people’s opinions,
society’s expectations, judgments, and criticisms are set aside.
To center someone means to acknowledge that the individual themselves is the
ultimate authority on their own inner experience.
So, if they express that they are feeling scared even though it looks
to you and everyone else like anger, you take their word for it and assume that yes,
in their internal experience, they are scared.
Validating The Right Way And In The Right Moment
Is validation always the right approach?
Are there some things we shouldn’t validate?
For example, should you really validate someone’s
experience if they are talking about or planning harm to themselves or others?
On a less serious note, should you validate someone’s complaint—when
it’s the fiftieth complaint you’ve already heard from them that day?
Do you have to validate someone’s experience when,
to be frank, you’re exhausted and you’d rather they didn’t dump it all on you?
Validation can indeed have unintended consequences, and isn’t a cure-all.
There are times when this strategy is less appropriate, and may even have negative outcomes.
Validation is undoubtedly one of the best relationship and communication tools,
but it shouldn’t be used with everyone, in every event.
We still need to carefully evaluate the situation,
observe the consequences of our actions and adapt accordingly.
Though we don’t have the scope to explore the topic of narcissism or
personality disorders fully in this book, it’s worth mentioning that we
should proceed with caution when a person has a seemingly bottomless need for validation.
Narcissists lack self-awareness or the ability to empathize, and will typically be unable
to connect meaningfully with you, no matter how much or how genuinely you validate them.
They might soak up validation and demand more and more, trampling your boundaries in the process.
You might quickly find yourself embroiled in an unhealthy or codependent dynamic.
Does this mean you should never validate a narcissist’s experience?
Of course not.
It just means you need to be a little more careful with how you do so,
while respecting your own needs and boundaries.
Since all human beings need and deserve validation, there’s nobody who should be
denied it—but whether you should be the person to give it in any one moment is for you to decide.
Validation is almost always a good thing, with the caveat that it is sometimes not enough on its own.
With this in mind, there are a few red flags to watch out for -
Red flag 1 - Aggressive, illegal or inappropriate acts
Perhaps someone confesses to you something bad they’ve done, or plan to do.
Perhaps someone is being threatening and unreasonable.
There’s no reason why you cannot listen, validate their experience, and ask questions.
There’s no reason not to have compassion.
However, validation on its own is dangerously close to being complicit.
Use understanding and compassion, but try to get the other person to take beneficial action,
or, in extreme cases, alert authorities yourself.
Red flag 2 - Energy vampires
We all feel vulnerable sometimes, and need validation and support.
But if you’re dealing with someone who wants to sap the life out of you constantly while never
taking any concrete steps to help themselves, you may need to tighten up your boundaries.
Validation is great, but you may actually help them more by saying, “That sounds tough.
What are you going to do about it?”
Red flag 3 - Someone seeking advice or clarity
Validation always feels good.
But sometimes, what really puts a person’s mind at ease is knowledge and understanding.
If someone is anxious about a performance review at work, for example, it might be
more appropriate to stay professional and address their actual concerns with facts
and grounded reassurance, rather than focusing on their emotional reality.
Depending on the person or the situation,
being told “I’m so sorry you’re worried about your performance review” doesn’t feel as good
as being told “you’re performing in the upper third of your class, don’t worry, you’re fine."
In truth, there’s very little harm to be done
when all you’re doing is listening and accepting the person in front of you.
Nevertheless, it’s worth asking “is this helping?” periodically
and adapting according to your honest answer.
Summary
•When we validate someone, we convey our acceptance of that person’s experiences,
emotions, thoughts, and realities.
Conversely, when we invalidate someone, we deny or minimize the importance of their issues and needs.
Though validation is a common word these days,
it’s not always clear how best to or even why we should engage in it.
The fact is that every person’s experience is inherently valid
and instead of exercising judgement, we should try and accept people as they are.
However, acceptance must not be confused with agreement.
•The concept of validation is especially relevant in our present age because of
how socially isolated we are as individuals.
Validating someone is a way of expressing solidarity with them,
and makes the other person feel heard and understood.
It adds a richness and sense of ease to life that would otherwise be missing if we felt
that we have to go through life’s travails alone and without anyone else’s support.
•Many people tend to confuse sympathy, empathy, and validation,
and there is indeed significant overlap between the three concepts.
However, sympathy is when we see other’s
experiences through our own lens and react accordingly.
When empathizing, we try to relate to other’s experiences the way they are experiencing them.
Lastly, validation is merely expressing your belief that someone else’s
experience is inherently valid.
•It’s natural to wonder to what extent and how often we should validate others.
We can’t always validate things, especially when doing so could have adverse effects.
For example, validating someone’s aggressive and potentially dangerous behavior is a bad idea.
Similarly, we must be wary of energy vampire who suck the life out of you
by endlessly complaining without taking any concrete steps to ameliorate their situation.
Lastly, giving unsolicited advice is generally unadvisable,
but if someone is actively looking for guidance from you,
substituting it with validation isn’t a good idea because it isn’t serving any purpose.
This has been How to Listen,
Hear and Validate. Break through invisible barriers and transform your relationships.
Written by Patrick King. Narrated by Russell Newton. Copyright 2021
by Patrick King. Production Copyright by Patrick King.