How to listen, hear, and validate. Break  

through invisible barriers and  transform your relationships.

Written by Patrick King.  Narrated by Russell Newton.

Picture a couple having a discussion  one day, that quickly turns heated.

It goes a little something like this -

A - “So the doctor called and they  have the results from my test back…”

B - “Oh my god, so what was the result?”

A - “Well, they said everything’s clear.

The first test was just a fluke, apparently.

There’s nothing to worry about.”

B - “What?!

That’s amazing!

I’m so glad to hear that!

You must be so relieved…”

A - “Well, actually, I don’t know…”

B - “You’re not relieved?”

A - “It’s hard to explain.

I guess I’m a bit…disappointed?

That sounds strange.

But I was really kind of expecting a scary result.

And I almost feel a bit let down?

I know that sounds silly…”

B - “That is silly.

You’re crazy.

You have no idea how lucky you are.

We should go out to celebrate.”

A - “Uh, can we not?

I’m just not feeling it…”

B - “What’s wrong with you?

You’re being ridiculous.

You don’t mean to say you  wish the test was positive?

That’s crazy…”

And so on.

Can you imagine A continuing to try and explain  how they really felt, with B rejecting the whole  

idea as bizarre, or even getting a little angry  and judging A for not being grateful or excited?

Consider how the conversation  could have gone otherwise -

A - “So the doctor called and they  have the results from my test back…”

B - “Oh my god, so what was the result?”

A - “Well, they said everything’s clear.

The first test was just a fluke, apparently.

There’s nothing to worry about.”

B - “What?!

That’s amazing!

I’m so glad to hear that!

You must be so relieved…”

A - “Well, actually, I don’t know…”

B - “You’re not relieved?”

A - “It’s hard to explain.

I guess I’m a bit…disappointed?

That sounds strange.

But I was really kind of expecting a scary result.

And I almost feel a bit let down?

I know that sounds silly…”

B - “No, it’s not silly.

Can you explain what you mean?

I’m pretty relieved to hear you’re  OK, but you seem a little unsure…”

A - “Yeah, I don’t know…maybe I had already  mentally prepared myself for it being positive…”

B - “Tell me more.”

Imagine the conversation then moving on  to A explaining how they feel and why,  

with B listening closely, not so they  could argue against A’s feelings,  

but so they could better understand and  support them, even if they did seem strange.

What’s the difference in the second conversation?

The answer is validation.

In this book, we’re going to be looking at the  power of validation - what it is, what it isn’t,  

and how it can be used to deepen relationships,  grow empathy and improve communication.

Validation is something that seems easy to  understand conceptually, but can be subtle  

and difficult to grasp in real life.

In trying to understand what validation is,  it can be helpful to look at what it isn’t.

In the first conversation,  B’s attitude was dismissive.

By calling A silly, crazy, and ridiculous,  

the message was clear - the way that A felt  (and by extension, A themselves) was wrong.

In fact, B asks, “What’s wrong with you?”  and then proceeds to say how A should feel.

Granted, this is an extreme example (B  is definitely a jerk in this scenario!),  

but we can clearly see the spirit of invalidation.

When we invalidate someone,  we deny their experience.

We contradict them, undermine them, doubt  them, disagree with them or judge them.

We tell them that what they feel or perceive  is wrong, mistaken, useless, undesirable.

We tell them that what they are going through is  not really justifiable, legitimate or “logical."

Sometimes, we may act as though the way they  feel is in violation of some objective reality,  

and they should be ashamed of their feelings.

To sum it up, invalidation is about not  accepting the person in front of us, as they are.

When we invalidate someone, what we might  be responding to is their emotional reality,  

their thoughts, speech, behavior, beliefs,  

perspectives or ideas—but in the process we may  more or less invalidate them as individuals.

There’s a fine line between saying “your reaction  is too much” and saying “you are too much.”

It may seem like invalidation is  quite an aggressive thing to do,  

but in reality, invalidations can be small,  

subtle, and even take place under the guise  of genuine concern or an attempt to help.

For example, many parents will tell a  frightened child not to be so silly,  

and that there’s nothing to be scared about.

Though they intend to help, the message  the child hears is “you’re wrong somehow."

If they shouldn’t be scared, but they  are, what does that say about them?

Likewise, consider these small, yet  nevertheless invalidating statements -

“You like mayonnaise with your fries?

Weird.”

“Hey, don’t take it so personally!”

“You’re upset about your stressful job?

What about people who don’t even have  jobs—how do you think that makes them feel?”

“You’re not being reasonable  right now, calm down.”

“Lots of people say they don’t want kids—but  you’ll change your mind, just wait!”

Though we’ve all been the recipients of  statements like the ones above—or maybe  

said things like this to others—it’s difficult  to pinpoint just how invalidating they can be.

What’s missing in the above sentiments?

What makes them feel so bad to hear?

In the chapters that follow, we’ll understand  validation as the act of acknowledging and  

accepting another person’s experience, i.e.  communicating that it is inherently valid.

Validation doesn’t mean we agree  with the other person, or like  

what they are experiencing, or even understand it.

But it does mean we recognize that their  experience has the right to exist as it is.

If we see someone is angry, we could try to  push back against the anger, argue with it,  

deny it or avoid it; or, we could acknowledge that  the person is angry, and that’s the way it is.

Many people struggle with giving validation  because they genuinely cannot see the point.

If someone is having a different  internal experience to them,  

or their perceptions don’t match with  what they consider “objective reality,”  

they seem to forget about the need to  be compassionate, understanding or kind.

Imagine, for example, that Jeremy has started to  hear voices that aren’t there, and he’s petrified.

He talks to a close friend about his concerns,  but the friend immediately tells him that the  

voices aren’t there, he knows they  aren’t there, so what’s the problem?

The friend may start to talk about medications  to get the voices to go away, but in his own way,  

he tells Jeremy that being afraid of  imaginary voices doesn’t actually make sense.

Now imagine that Jeremy  goes to a different friend.

He shares his concerns and this friend  looks not at what’s real and not real,  

what’s a reasonable reaction and what  isn’t, but how Jeremy is actually feeling.

They tell him that being afraid  is normal and understandable.

In other words, the objective facts of his  

experience are not as important as  his internal, subjective experience.

The first friend invalidated this  experience, whereas the second validated it.

People who are quite practically minded  may have trouble with the concept of  

validation because it seems more natural  for them to look for obvious solutions,  

to gather data, to identify problems  in the “real world” and fix them.

They may mistakenly think that validation  means agreeing with something that’s wrong,  

or doing nothing to actually remedy the problem.

But validation is an important and  necessary part of human communication,  

even if it is not focused on  verifying or solving an issue.

When we focus only on “facts,” we may  miss the emotional content—which is  

often one of the more important reasons  for communicating in the first place.

Most of us like to think we  are empathic and understanding,  

but mastering real validation can take some  practice, and we all miss the mark sometimes.

After all, who hasn’t tried to “cheer  up” a friend when they felt down,  

reassuring them that things weren’t really so bad?

Why Validation Is So Important

All human beings want to feel that they are,  at their core, acceptable, even lovable.

We all want to feel that other people see us,  

acknowledge who we are, and  generally find us to have value.

When you practice the art of validation, you  learn how to give this experience to others.

When we validate people, we accept  them for who they really are.

What better way to be a good  friend, partner or parent?

When you validate someone,  you give them real support,  

letting them know that they are not alone.

Life can be confusing and difficult for all  of us, but when we are genuinely validated,  

we can feel reassured that we are on the  right path, and that our experience is normal.

Willpower is great, but any single  person only has so much of it.

Haven’t you felt stronger  and more capable when you  

had the support of many other people behind you?

Picture someone who is working really hard  to overcome a food addiction and lose weight.

They may feel completely defeated and alone when,  

months later, nobody has  even noticed their progress.

On the other hand, having work colleagues  check in regularly, acknowledge the hard  

journey they’re on, and even recognize the  results can make it so much easier to carry on.

In today’s world, people are arguably more  isolated and divided than ever before,  

with many having little to draw on  in terms of family or community.

But if we don’t have fellow human beings  to accompany us through life’s challenges,  

to acknowledge our presence and even enjoy  it, to reflect back to us who we are and the  

effect of our actions—well, we can soon start  to feel like we don’t really exist at all.

You can probably remember a time  when someone paid you a really  

thoughtful compliment about who you were as  a person, and how great it made you feel.

Compare that to the crushing sense  of alienation you have when a person  

you thought knew you well buys you a  completely bizarre gift that you hate!

Of course, it’s not just about how many people  are in your life; without real validation and  

acceptance, it’s possible to feel completely  alone and unseen in a room full of people.

We may feel lost or out of  place, even in our own families,  

or like foreigners even in our own countries.

An absence of genuine validation is behind  someone who, after twenty years of marriage,  

can look at their spouse and say,  “I have no idea who you even are.”

Being seen and heard, on the other hand,  gives life a solidity and a sense of meaning.

It adds richness, color and depth to our days.

When others witness and confirm our experience,  

it’s as though it becomes more  real and manageable for us.

If you can learn to really see and validate  people as they are, you are simultaneously  

giving them and yourself a wonderful gift  that’s in pretty short supply in today’s world.

When we are validated, we feel  more resilient to life’s problems,  

and can regulate our emotions more effectively.

We feel like ourselves; when  others see and acknowledge us,  

it is as confirming to our identity as looking  into a mirror and seeing an image look back at us.

Through others’ sincere response,  we learn about who we are.

We see them react to us, care for us,  listen to us, and in so doing it seems  

like our persona takes shape, and we can  see the outlines of ourselves more clearly.

It goes a little deeper, too.

When we validate someone,  

we not only see the person in front  of us, but accept them, completely.

We communicate, with our nonjudgmental attention,  

that they are worth knowing,  and they are important.

Even if we don’t fully comprehend what  it’s like to be in another person’s shoes,  

it’s still wonderful to show that we  care enough to try and comprehend it.

Many parents, for example, cannot really  get inside their teenage children’s heads,  

but sometimes all that’s needed is  for that teenager to feel that their  

mom or dad cares enough to make  the effort in the first place.

This isn’t to say that validation is only  beneficial for the person receiving it.

When validation flows from one  person to another, both benefit.

The shared relationship instantly becomes  more authentic, more trusting and more honest.

When people feel seen and accepted,  

they are more able to return the kindness  to others, strengthening those connections.

In fact, there may now be evidence  that being validated by someone  

can literally cause changes in the  neurotransmitters released in your brain.

Validation is about affirming  someone else’s emotional reality,  

but it’s also about recognizing that they  live in a completely different world to you,  

and inhabit a perspective  entirely separate from your own.

If you can undertake any conversation with the  spirit of validation, you are able to respect  

and honor the fact that the other person  is not you, and doesn’t think like you.

Validation encourages deeper understanding.

Not only will this make you a better communicator,  

but it will expand your world view, and you  may even learn something in the process.

Isn’t Validation The Same As Empathy?

In reading about the virtues and  benefits of practicing validation,  

you might have wondered whether it’s the same  thing as simply being kind and compassionate.

In many ways, these concepts  do overlap to some degree.

A person with good validation skills may  on the surface be indistinguishable from  

someone who is empathetic, nonjudgmental, or  simply skilled at showing interest in others.

But there are differences.

Showing sympathy is acknowledging  someone else’s experience,  

but as seen through our own frame of reference.

For example, knowing that someone  else is nervous giving a speech  

because you yourself would be  anxious doing the same thing.

Showing empathy is looking inside someone else’s  experiences and feeling what that feels like,  

from that person’s point  of view, and not your own.

For example, you can imagine  what it feels like to be the  

person terrified of giving a speech even  though you yourself love public speaking.

Showing validation, however,  is a little different.

This is where we communicate that we have  seen or heard the other person’s experience,  

and that it has inherent validity.

So, we can listen to our friend  telling us how scared they are to  

give their speech and acknowledge  it, and take that at face value.

Our own feelings on public  speaking don’t matter at all,  

and in fact, nobody else’s opinion matters either.

When we acknowledge the inherent  validity of someone else’s experience,  

we are doing something a little  different from having empathy.

When we are sympathetic or empathetic,  we are shifting or expanding frames of  

reference to better understand  another person’s experience.

But with validation, we take their experience  as the only frame of reference that matters.

Someone’s feelings or thoughts might not  be pleasant, or sensical, or popular,  

or permissible, or even understandable.

But they are nevertheless valid,  because they are there, and they exist.

As you can see, it’s a subtle point that can make  rather a large difference when put into practice.

Empathy can often lead people to  feel validated, but not necessarily.

For example, someone might feel very sorry  for a friend who is having difficulties,  

and empathize completely, while still believing  that their experience is not completely valid—i.e.

“I genuinely feel bad for you, but I  still think you’re just overreacting."

We’ll explore how to combine empathy  and validation later on in the book.

Validation—one Of The  Clearest Ways To Express Care

There’s the stereotypical argument that is  said to occasionally unfold between men and  

women - the woman may be upset about  something, and tells the man about it,  

who then proceeds to try and  find ways to fix the problem,  

despite the woman claiming over and  over, “I just want you to listen!”

Validation has a big role to  play in validating negative  

feelings or supporting those experiencing stress.

Psychologists originally explored its power  in helping people who feel suicidal or deeply  

distressed, but soon put the principle of  validation at the center of all their work.

After all, when people seek mental health care,  

they are often simply seeking  comfort and reassurance.

Researchers Tian, Solomon  and Brisini at Penn State  

University published a 2020 paper  in the Journal of Communication  

describing how validation can be used to  improve our normal ways of comforting people.

They found that the language people  use can have a massive impact.

For example, most people don’t respond well to  being told (subtly or not so subtly) how to feel.

For example, most of us bristle  at platitudes like “there there,  

don’t cry now” or “come on,  try to look at the good side."

Instead, it may be more effective to simply  enquire about how the person actually is feeling,  

rather than telling them to feel some other way.

This way, they can express themselves  and reach their own conclusions,  

deciding for themselves what action to take next.

The authors also found that it’s best to  avoid language that minimizes feelings.

For example, if someone has just confided in  you that they are feeling severely depressed,  

it’s obviously not a good idea  to shake it off as “the blues”  

and tell them they just need a good night’s sleep.

It’s true that these comments  may come from a good place,  

but they could actually have the opposite effect.

If someone feels judged,  controlled, ignored or ridiculed,  

they’ll obviously feel less inclined to  take the help offered, even if it’s sincere.

The trouble is that these sorts of comments may  well have been beneficial in another context.

Offering advice or helpful suggestions is  usually just people’s way of trying to be useful.

They may indeed be very skilled communicators  and have the best of intentions.

But, importantly, validation is not  like other communication techniques.

The purpose and outcome of validation  is completely different to, say,  

offering advice or giving helpful feedback.

To return to the stereotypical argument we began  with, the man might say (quite rightly) that he  

is attempting to help, that his solution would  work, and that the woman is being ridiculous by  

continuing to be upset when a perfectly  good solution is right in front of her.

But the woman might say (quite  rightly) that she hasn’t asked  

for advice or problem-solving; she  wants comfort, that is, validation.

In a way, validation digs a little deeper  than most communication skills and techniques,  

and gets to the heart of our emotional experience.

You can be an excellent listener, compassionate,  intelligent and great at offering useful advice,  

but none of it matters if what  is needed is direct validation.

So, we’ve seen the kind of  things we shouldn’t say,  

but what do you say to someone  to validate their experience?

Remember, when we provide validation, we  are communicating that someone’s experience,  

and they themselves, are inherently valid.

So, we can use phrases like -

•“It’s understandable you’d feel that way.”

•“Yes, that makes sense.

I can see why you say that.”

•“It’s perfectly normal that you think that.”

•“I’m sorry that you’re  having a hard time with this.”

•“Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?”

•“I can see why you feel XYZ. ”

When validating someone, sometimes the best thing  

we can do for them is to simply create a  little space for them to be as they are.

Often, we’re compelled to  jump in and say something,  

anything, but that’s just because  we ourselves are uncomfortable.

It’s possible to communicate a great  deal of compassion and acceptance  

with simple sounds like “uh-huh” and  “mmm” or simply listening and nodding.

This way, you are lavishing your  full attention of the other person,  

without trying to push your own interpretation.

Validation rests on centering the other person.

This means that the person and their experience  are the priority—and other people’s opinions,  

society’s expectations, judgments,  and criticisms are set aside.

To center someone means to acknowledge  that the individual themselves is the  

ultimate authority on their own inner experience.

So, if they express that they are  feeling scared even though it looks  

to you and everyone else like anger, you  take their word for it and assume that yes,  

in their internal experience, they are scared.

Validating The Right Way And In The Right Moment

Is validation always the right approach?

Are there some things we shouldn’t validate?

For example, should you really validate someone’s  

experience if they are talking about or  planning harm to themselves or others?

On a less serious note, should you  validate someone’s complaint—when  

it’s the fiftieth complaint you’ve  already heard from them that day?

Do you have to validate someone’s experience when,  

to be frank, you’re exhausted and you’d  rather they didn’t dump it all on you?

Validation can indeed have unintended  consequences, and isn’t a cure-all.

There are times when this strategy is less  appropriate, and may even have negative outcomes.

Validation is undoubtedly one of the best  relationship and communication tools,  

but it shouldn’t be used with  everyone, in every event.

We still need to carefully evaluate the situation,  

observe the consequences of our  actions and adapt accordingly.

Though we don’t have the scope to  explore the topic of narcissism or  

personality disorders fully in this  book, it’s worth mentioning that we  

should proceed with caution when a person has  a seemingly bottomless need for validation.

Narcissists lack self-awareness or the ability  to empathize, and will typically be unable  

to connect meaningfully with you, no matter  how much or how genuinely you validate them.

They might soak up validation and demand more and  more, trampling your boundaries in the process.

You might quickly find yourself embroiled  in an unhealthy or codependent dynamic.

Does this mean you should never  validate a narcissist’s experience?

Of course not.

It just means you need to be a little  more careful with how you do so,  

while respecting your own needs and boundaries.

Since all human beings need and deserve  validation, there’s nobody who should be  

denied it—but whether you should be the person to  give it in any one moment is for you to decide.

Validation is almost always a good thing, with the  caveat that it is sometimes not enough on its own.

With this in mind, there are a  few red flags to watch out for -

Red flag 1 - Aggressive,  illegal or inappropriate acts

Perhaps someone confesses to you  something bad they’ve done, or plan to do.

Perhaps someone is being  threatening and unreasonable.

There’s no reason why you cannot listen,  validate their experience, and ask questions.

There’s no reason not to have compassion.

However, validation on its own is  dangerously close to being complicit.

Use understanding and compassion, but try to  get the other person to take beneficial action,  

or, in extreme cases, alert authorities yourself.

Red flag 2 - Energy vampires

We all feel vulnerable sometimes,  and need validation and support.

But if you’re dealing with someone who wants to  sap the life out of you constantly while never  

taking any concrete steps to help themselves,  you may need to tighten up your boundaries.

Validation is great, but you may actually  help them more by saying, “That sounds tough.

What are you going to do about it?”

Red flag 3 - Someone seeking advice or clarity

Validation always feels good.

But sometimes, what really puts a person’s  mind at ease is knowledge and understanding.

If someone is anxious about a performance  review at work, for example, it might be  

more appropriate to stay professional and  address their actual concerns with facts  

and grounded reassurance, rather than  focusing on their emotional reality.

Depending on the person or the situation,  

being told “I’m so sorry you’re worried about  your performance review” doesn’t feel as good  

as being told “you’re performing in the upper  third of your class, don’t worry, you’re fine."

In truth, there’s very little harm to be done  

when all you’re doing is listening and  accepting the person in front of you.

Nevertheless, it’s worth asking  “is this helping?” periodically  

and adapting according to your honest answer.

Summary

•When we validate someone, we convey our  acceptance of that person’s experiences,  

emotions, thoughts, and realities.

Conversely, when we invalidate someone, we deny or  minimize the importance of their issues and needs.

Though validation is a common word these days,  

it’s not always clear how best to  or even why we should engage in it.

The fact is that every person’s  experience is inherently valid  

and instead of exercising judgement, we  should try and accept people as they are.

However, acceptance must not  be confused with agreement.

•The concept of validation is especially  relevant in our present age because of  

how socially isolated we are as individuals.

Validating someone is a way of  expressing solidarity with them,  

and makes the other person  feel heard and understood.

It adds a richness and sense of ease to life  that would otherwise be missing if we felt  

that we have to go through life’s travails  alone and without anyone else’s support.

•Many people tend to confuse  sympathy, empathy, and validation,  

and there is indeed significant  overlap between the three concepts.

However, sympathy is when we see other’s  

experiences through our own  lens and react accordingly.

When empathizing, we try to relate to other’s  experiences the way they are experiencing them.

Lastly, validation is merely expressing  your belief that someone else’s  

experience is inherently valid.

•It’s natural to wonder to what extent  and how often we should validate others.

We can’t always validate things, especially  when doing so could have adverse effects.

For example, validating someone’s aggressive and  potentially dangerous behavior is a bad idea.

Similarly, we must be wary of energy  vampire who suck the life out of you  

by endlessly complaining without taking any  concrete steps to ameliorate their situation.

Lastly, giving unsolicited  advice is generally unadvisable,  

but if someone is actively  looking for guidance from you,  

substituting it with validation isn’t a good  idea because it isn’t serving any purpose.

This has been How to Listen,  

Hear and Validate. Break through invisible  barriers and transform your relationships.

Written by Patrick King. Narrated  by Russell Newton. Copyright 2021  

by Patrick King. Production  Copyright by Patrick King.