Welcome to Become a Calm Mama. This is the podcast where you learn

practical parenting tools and strategies so you can stop

yelling, feel more calm, and show up as the mom you want

to be. So on today's podcast, I'm going to share with you my

definition of calm. Right? This is called Become a Calm Mama,

and my program is called Calm Mama School. And my

process is the Calm Mama process. Right? So calm is obviously

really important to me. And so today I'm gonna give you my go

to strategy for accessing calm. And

even in the middle of when you feel overwhelmed or angry, you'll be able

to access this tool. So before we

get into defining calm, let's first talk about what

the absence of calm looks like. Right? So

as I shared in the last episode, I used to get

so mad that so spit would fly out of my mouth as I was

yelling. It's almost like I was so angry I couldn't even

swallow. And I was just, like, on a rampage of

yelling. So I would be screaming at my kids.

It's so embarrassing, but it's true. I would scream at my kids, and

as I yelled, I would watch their little faces shift from

joy to terror. And I couldn't think

clearly when I was in a rage, and I would make all these commands and

threats that I would never follow up on, and. And it was just

chaos. And what that meant was that my

kids really didn't learn any skills except how to be mad.

That's what I was teaching them. And my anger

and my stress would create anger and stress in them, and

then their behavior would escalate because their

feelings drove their behavior, and their behavior would escalate. And then

I would get even more mad, and I would yell even more.

And what would happen is eventually, like, my rageful voice

would sort of snap them out of the fight

mode that they were into and put them into flight mode, and they would shut

down or cry. So I was basically yelling at my

kids until they cried. Oh, my goodness. So

maybe you can relate to me, or maybe you've had, like, one episode

of this, one experience of this, and

you were like, ooh, I don't want that. So whatever your story

is, this episode is for you. Now,

whenever I acted like this, the guilt that I felt

was overwhelming. And, you know, I would fall into bed,

and I would promise myself that I would act differently tomorrow,

and I would, like, apologize to the kids. But deep down, I

was feeling resentment towards them because I was kind of like, well, if they behave

better, I. I wouldn't have to yell. And

so I was kind of stuck in this endless spiral of yelling,

then feeling guilt, then resentment, and then shame.

So I call all of this the Mad mom syndrome.

And I'm gonna just list off a few things that moms do

and dads when they're in Mad mom syndrome.

So here's how you might be showing up when you aren't feeling calm.

There's obviously, like, the real external ones, like

yelling, saying mean things, threatening, being

rough with your kid's body, those kinds of, you

know, big, oh, that person's mad kind of things.

But there are other ways that Mad mom syndrome shows up.

Sometimes it's in, you know, rescuing your kids

because you don't want. You're just like, fine. You give in because you don't want

a temper tantrum. And then. And you're rescuing or you're bribing them.

Come on, do it for me, please. Or you

lecture a lot, like talking, talking, talking. I also

see moms shutting down, feeling really

exhausted in parenting, not taking care of themselves, sleeping

poorly, feeling really

grumpy, and they can't quite shake it, or

escalating things when your kid gets upset. So they get upset. So then

you get upset, shutting your kid down.

Basically, anytime you show up in a way that you don't love,

I would say you're in Mad mom syndrome. Now,

when you have a mad mom episode like I've described that

I've had, it's really easy, like I used to do,

to beat yourself up and tell yourself things like,

I'm a bad mom, or I'm messing up my kids, or, like,

they're gonna need therapy from me. And. And these thoughts

actually make you feel more guilty, embarrassed,

ashamed, frustrated, and confused. And

they keep you trapped, actually. So the more negative thoughts

you have, the more defeated, discouraged, and guilty you

will feel. And when you feel bad, it's really

hard to change your behavior, and that's why you end up yelling again.

So Mad mom syndrome is this, like, vicious cycle

of negative thoughts leading to negative feelings, leading negative

actions, and then back again. It's just like a circle.

So it can be. Mad mom syndrome is a chronic problem for some

moms. They're in this kind of all of the time, and they're really, really

unhappy. And that is

okay if this is you and you're here a lot. And

for other moms, it can show up without warning. You're, like,

totally normal, good, calm mom. And then something

happens, and you are sucked in to

mad mom syndrome without warning. And it feels like it Swallowed you whole.

So if that's you, that's also okay. For some

of you, you've only had this Mad mom syndrome a few times,

but, you know, you never wanna show up that way again.

And you can feel how hard it is to manage your emotions

in those moments. And. And maybe you end up emotionally checking out

in order to avoid acting out. That's

okay, too. Wherever you are in your parenting journey, I

want you to know it's 100% okay and you can grow

from where you are, that it is possible

you can start where you are. There is always room to improve

how you feel, how you treat yourself, and

how you treat your kids. So how you feel and how you treat

yourself are really important to me as a coach,

as your parent coach, I really want to help you

change how you feel about yourself and how you talk to yourself and

all of that. So if you're thinking right now like,

yeah, darlin, this is me. I'm in Mad mom syndrome. I'm

the one that you described. So how do I get out? Tell me all the

things, right? So I'm going to tell you all the things. I promise you are

going to walk away from this episode with a plan to get calm.

So let me explain to you that Mad mom syndrome. Okay,

listen really carefully. Mad mom syndrome is

your parenting stress response in action.

So you've all heard about your stress response, right? Your fight flight

freeze. Mad mom syndrome is fight flight freeze for

moms. Your stress response

gets activated in parenting, and here's why.

It's because your brain, it's always like

scanning for hazards, trying to figure out if you're safe and if everything is

okay. And so it's looking around your environment.

And your brain interprets your child's behavior

as danger to your physical or emotional safety. Your

brain tells you, uh oh, that behavior you're seeing,

that's danger. So why would your brain think that?

Right now I want you to think about the behaviors

that kids use when they are upset or when they're

avoiding a circumstance they don't like, right? So they might start

screaming at you or just screaming, especially if they're

under five, okay? They might start crying.

That's very true. From like 3 to 10,

they might start blaming you. So that kind of starts right

around five and goes all the way to adulthood. They could

be aggressive, right? Like physically aggressive. They could start lying

to you. They could start going on a complaining rant, right? Or they can

start peppering you with questions or arguing with you.

Now, these behaviors, screaming, crying, blaming

Aggression, lying, complaining, being peppered with questions. Having

someone argue with you. In any other life situation,

that would mean that you were sort of under attack. Your brain would

tell you, you need to protect yourself. Your brain would say,

get bigger, get louder, fight back. Or it would say, run

away. Your brain would tell you that your power

was being threatened. And a powerless human is

a vulnerable human, and a vulnerable human is in

danger. So your brain is going to tell you, get your power back at

all costs. Protect yourself from the

danger. And the funny thing is, the danger is your

3 year old who's having a meltdown on the ground because

the blue cup is in the dishwasher. But your brain is

like, oh my God, we're being attacked by a pack of coyotes.

You're not, but your brain is telling you that story. So

your stress response is how your body

responds when it thinks it's not safe.

So Mad mom syndrome, these are the actions you take

because you think you need to protect yourself.

So to get out of Mad mom syndrome, I want, and

you're gonna practice calm. I want you to learn. What I'm gonna

teach right now is called the pause break. So the

pause break is three steps. The first step, stop.

The second step, delay. Third step,

reset. So let me break these three down for you.

So step one, stop. Okay, so

imagine any scenario. Let's go to like the toddler or the preschooler

crying on the ground. If you're

upset by it, right? If you feel like you want to say, like it's

not that big of a deal, or get up, you know, stop

crying if you want to say something like that,

or you maybe even have a physical reaction, like, you

know, I'm going to be really honest, like if you want to hit your child

or grab them or something physical, this

is what I want you to do. Stop.

Don't talk, don't engage.

Whenever you become aware that you are feeling super angry,

annoyed, you're yelling, you're lecturing, like

you're talking a lot, you're spanking, you're emotionally

checking out, or you're making a bunch of commands or threats

right there. Stop yourself. Even if you are mid

sentence, stop, okay?

Stopping is hard. I am not going to lie to you.

When your brain gets stress, it activates your nervous system,

right? It triggers the fight flight freeze response in order to

protect you. Now, your stress response, it's an

automatic evolutionary process.

It's primal. So your

brain is tricking you into thinking that your kid's

behavior is a threat. Your brain is thinking, uh, oh, this

behavior means I'm in danger. I must save myself from this threat. It

feels immediate, it feels like an emergency, when in

fact the threat is just your kid crying

or just being loud or just not turning off the iPad,

or asking for extra time or arguing with their sister or leaving

a pile of neatly folded clothes on the floor. Right,

but so misbehavior is rarely an

emergency. But your brain is screaming,

fix it, change it, stop it, solve it. Because it sees that behavior as a

problem. It sees it as a threat. So when

I say stop, it means overriding your biology.

And let me tell you, that's not easy. But just because

stopping isn't easy doesn't mean it's impossible. So

catch yourself and pause. Catch yourself and

stop. All right, that's step one. So step two

is really simple. It's delay. So

delay is really just creating time between

the misbehavior or the tricky parenting moment that you're in

before you respond. So the delay is just an

amount of time between the thing that happens and the thing that you respond to.

So when you're in delay, you're just stopping and waiting. You're

not deciding, you're not acting

upon what's happening, you're not doing anything about this situation. You're giving

yourself time. Very few things

are actual emergencies. So even

60 seconds of delay can shift your

perspective from panic, overwhelm and anger to

feeling clear headed and calm. I'm saying 60

seconds, but honestly, like 60 seconds is actually a really long

time. So even allowing yourself 15

seconds before you respond is

really powerful. So let me let you

in on a little secret. As long as everyone

is physically safe, like no one is currently going to get hit

by a sibling or get run over by a car or like,

you know, stab themselves with the kitchen knife. As

long as everyone is physically safe, you have the

permission to, to delay doing anything about your kids

behavior. So I am your

official parent coach who is telling you that you get to

delay responding. Now you can take a minute,

you can take five minutes, you can take three hours,

you can take a day, you can take a week,

you can take as much time as you need before responding to

your child's behavior. So here's what I see.

I see when kids are little, like toddlers,

preschools, early elementary, let me just go with toddlers and

preschoolers, kindergartner and under, you kind of end

up only needing a minute or two to pause and like reset your

body and then respond. And that's usually enough time

because the Problems that although they seem really big,

the problems are just emotions typically and some

off track behavior. And you can reset that beh really

easily. So you don't need a ton of time. But as

your kids get older, you need to spend time like the

behavior tends to feel a lot more

like serious. Like long term repercussions

come up. So you know, a three year old

throwing a water bottle and spilling water

is very different than catching your kid vaping.

So if you catch your kid vaping, you kind of need a little

bit of extra time to process your emotion

about that and then be ready to

connect with them. So I just want you to know delay

can be any amount of time when

letting your kid know that you're separating from them. Like when you need to take

a beat and pause and delay, be sure

to narrate what you're doing and why you're doing it because it can be

really hard for kids to watch you just like

silently walk away. So if you are taking a

pause break, your kid can feel like rejected or scared

or abandoned when you walk away.

So taking a second to relieve their worry by

explaining what you're doing, that's going to help your child

feel less upset by that pause. I like to say something

really simple like if they're real little, you can

say, you know, mommy doesn't want to yell at you and so I'm going to

be quiet for a minute while I calm my body. Or when

you have an elementary school, you can say I love you too much to yell

at you, so I'm not going to talk anymore. Or an

older child, you can say this is a lot, I need to do some thinking

and I'll get back to you. So a sentence like that can go

a long way with relieving your child's fear. So

step three, right? We have the first step is stop. Second step, delay.

Third step, reset. So reset

means to actively do something to calm your stress

response. Remember, you're in the middle of a stress response.

So during a reset you're going to move your body

or move your mind. I'm going to tell you what that means or you're going

to do both. So moving your body,

moving your mind is the key to resetting.

So what reset does, it helps you think and

take action with intention. So this reset is

where you stop your reactivity. It's where you become

the parent that responds in the way that

you want to respond. Now your brain,

it's looking for a way to get out of the stress cycle. So it's using

your body. That's why you're yelling, that's why you're slamming, that's why you're

stomping or sighing or even talking a lot is because

your body has all of this stress juice, and it's looking for a

way to get it out. Now, if you don't guide your body

to do something intentional, it's going to feel out of control and

raging because you kind of are. You're not in control. Your body has

completely taken over to protect yourself.

So if you move your body intentionally, the

stress hormones will move through your nervous system quickly and your

brain will calm down faster. So doing something

intentional and focusing that stress juice

surge with a specific movement will help you calm your

body faster. So you might be wondering, like, okay, what do

I do? What are you talking about? Right?

So you might be wondering, what exactly should you do?

Right? Okay. So I want you to know you can do anything. You can clap

your hands, you can jump up and down, you can go get a drink of

water, you can go wash your

hands, you can fluff some pillows. Doing

anything intentionally with your body will help you stop doing the

unintentional things like yelling.

So in future episodes, I will teach you specifically specific steps

to take in order to calm your body and exactly how to

calm your mind. So for now,

what I want you to do is do anything that you can think

of to calm yourself that isn't yelling or taking out your

big feelings on your kid. So that will

look like whatever it looks like. For me, when I started, it was

clapping my hands together really fast. And,

you know, it could be a little bit scary to my kids, but it was

less scary than me yelling at them. Now,

this pause break that I've just taught you is the

single most important tool I teach. The pause

break is where all of your personal growth happens.

It's the space where your transformation will occur.

It's that the space between something happening and

your response to it. That's where all the growth is.

If you only take one thing away from this podcast episode, I hope

it's this. You can always take a pause break.

It's the first and it's the most important step towards

calm.