[00:00:00] I think, realize that the control is yours. A lot of times we say my barriers are these other people. My barriers is my company. My barriers is this other thing that I have no control over. And that's not true. The control is here with you. And it's up to you to decide how you're gonna react to things.

[00:00:26] What are you going to accept? What are you not going to accept? And to enforce those boundaries, realize that you have so much more control than what you give yourself credit for and really sit down. If you have not ever done it before, sit down and make that priorities list. What are your priorities?

[00:00:44] What are your family's priorities? And then think about, but where are you actually spending your time and attention and compare that list back. You have the control to decide where those things happen.

[00:00:57] Welcome to Why She's Winning with your host, Christy Rutherford, a master of office politics and self care advocacy.

[00:01:06] Christy's clients have received over 10 million in salary raises in a pandemic, surprised that women are still getting paid during these challenging times. It's possible for you too, you can have it all. If you believe you deserve it, Christy and her guest will assist you with that. Let's get started.

[00:01:25] Welcome everyone to Why She's Winning. I'm your host Christy Rutherford back to share some insight on how women can win, period. Today. I have one of my favorite people in the whole wide world. Chrystin McLellan. Chrystin is one, a military leader, two, a rockstar, three, international speaker, where she's spoken on stages with industry personnel in the oil industry, all around the world.

[00:01:56] She's a Sumi-e artist and she's also a volunteer art teacher in her community where they don't have any art programs where it is absolutely necessary. So welcome, Chrystin.

[00:02:07] Thank you, Christy. Thanks for inviting me.

[00:02:10] Definitely, so I wanna just dig into a little bit about who you are and who you've become this past year.

[00:02:19] So tell the listeners about some of the challenges that you were experiencing before you chose to work with me.

[00:02:28] So before we started to work together. I think I was focusing a lot on what I had been told I should be doing. And what I had been told success looked like, which was a lot of helping my bosses look good and helping other people look good and helping them achieve goals.

[00:02:51] And I realized it wasn't making me very happy because I would end up standing in the crowd, watching somebody be acknowledged for the work that I did, that they put their name on because they were listed as the project lead. Even though maybe all they did was say, hey, could you take care of this for me?

[00:03:13] And then they ran some edits through it. And that was it. I was watching my work go to other people and I was watching them get the benefits from it. And it was very demoralizing for me personally. I really thought like, this is just the way it's gonna be for me. I'm always going to be that person in the background.

[00:03:33] I didn't know how to take ownership of my own abilities and my own greatness and to really start drawing some lines about what I would and wouldn't do for other people. So I was feeling pretty low. I felt like, I had reached a dead end and that was, this is as high as you're ever gonna climb.

[00:03:52] You just don't have it in you to go any further.

[00:03:56] You know, what's interesting is this is a challenge that a lot of women have, and I don't think that men do it intentionally. So it's almost like we set up the expectation that we're always going to be the background to their foreground. And we're always going to be the support system.

[00:04:12] And they're very grateful. So it's not like they're ungrateful for your work. You are their support staff. So ie. You are supporting them in the work that they're doing, and that's the expectation. The problem is how it makes you feel and then how it reflects on how you start to show up at work when it's happened again and again and again.

[00:04:35] So tell the listeners a little bit about. And I want you to be as vulnerable as you want to, like, you don't have to, but I want you to share, because I want you to be able to connect with women who are doing the exact same thing. And then we'll talk about the shift out.

[00:04:49] We're not here to dog men out. I just want women to see from a perspective, because a lot of women do the exact same things. We have the exact same challenges to be able to see someone else say, I was here and now I'm here.

[00:05:04] And I think, for me, it was, I would get these jobs and I'd be supporting people because I was underemployed in my job. I just was. So, let me reach out, let me spend the time. I thought I was spending the time working on my own, you know, getting additional certifications, getting additional degrees, getting additional qualifications and doing that to try to fill this gap where I was underemployed. So then I would start doing more and more of these projects because I'm capable of doing it, right?

[00:05:41] It's not my job, but I'm capable of doing it. And I do it really well. And like you said, nobody's like, Hey, do this work and I'm gonna take all the credit for it. It's just, I'm there. I'm doing it. It's very helpful. And like you said, I don't think people realize after a bit that like, oh wait, I'm not actually doing this project anymore.

[00:06:01] I've given it to somebody else. So, and I think it was kind of a slow process of me continually saying yes to the additional request. Hey, do you mind just writing up a quick executive summary for that? Yeah, no problem. I could definitely do that. Hey, do you mind heading out in the field and taking care of this?

[00:06:21] I need to meet with these people, but I'm so busy. Yeah, no problem. I'll be the face of the project. Just one thing after another, and then it just becomes expected. Like, Hey, you know, you've done this all in the past. It just becomes expected when they ask for your help. That what they're really asking for is for you to do the work, because that's the expectation that I set myself.

[00:06:41] I set that expectation with other people because I didn't have any boundaries. And I thought that just keep your head down, work hard. People will recognize you. And that's how you get ahead. And it's really not. And like you said, it's not because men or, my supervisors or bosses were intentionally holding me back, but I wasn't asking for anything. I was just giving.

[00:07:11] And that's the key, that right there. Because we're leaders so we understand. And Chrystin used to work with me. Amazing rockstar. If I have somebody that's dependable, like I'm going to call on them and just let them do their job. Now there's a difference because one I'm a woman, but leaders are busy.

[00:07:33] I really want you to show up and, do your job. And if I can depend on you. I am going to call on you every single time to support me in my work by you doing your job and your work. But the challenge is, is men will ask for what they want and that causes the boss the reason to shift and look back and say, you know what?

[00:08:00] I'm going to reward you, but women don't ever ask. So we don't even give them pause to even understand what they're doing because they're doing a hundred different things.

[00:08:08] And also, the more that I was taking on for other people, the more that they were able to ask for what they wanted or pursue what they needed to pursue.

[00:08:18] And all of a sudden, I started seeing these people that I was helping, they were promoting before I was, they were getting pay raises. They were doing the things that I wanted to do, but I was so busy doing their jobs. That I didn't have time to do what I wanted to do. So they were reaping that advantage of me kind of shoring them up. And that was tough to have to recognize.

[00:08:46] Yeah, I think about the times when they would go to play basketball in the morning. Right. And then they would go play golf. And then they would go do CrossFit or go to lunch to that great full place that we used to go to. You remember down the street?

[00:09:01] Yes.

[00:09:01] I missed that, but they were building relationships. And people promote who they know like and trust, but I didn't go out because I was too busy working..

[00:09:13] Yes, cause it needed to be done. Right?

[00:09:16] You didn't go out as much because we were working to fill in the gaps while they were out building relationships and relationship is why you get promoted. Does that make sense?

[00:09:27] Oh, absolutely. Even in the military, because when it goes up the chain. And they're looking at something like, oh, Hey, this person has a lot of really great stuff, but if it was really that great, I would've heard about it. I would know more about this person. There's no way that I have a rockstar like this hiding under a rock.

[00:09:47] Yeah. Yeah.

[00:09:49] You know, and that's not true cause that Rockstar's in the office, they're doing all the work. They're not at lunch with you. But it is, it's important to have those relationships,.

[00:09:58] But being at lunch and building those relationships because performance reviews are so subjective. So it's how do I really feel about this? It's a personal subjective, even in corporate, when they're doing these 360's so it's the same thing. The performance rules it's subjective, even when you're marking somebody 4, 5, 6, or seven. The difference between knowing them and getting a warm and fuzzy between five and seven is huge.

[00:10:26] Because you know their families, you know their work, you like them. You've played basketball with them. You've played golf with them. You've gone to lunch with them. And so the woman who's done the work. Yes. A five is great for work for working hard. And even a six is great for working hard, but the seven is because I know them and I know that they work hard and I like them. That's the difference.

[00:10:51] Yes. And I think I had met with one of my supervisors once and they said, you know you're very professional. You have a lot of technical knowledge. You are a Keystone professionally and technical knowledge, but they're like, but I don't know who you are.

[00:11:13] That's good. That's good. So now take the ladies on the journey of what was the shift that happened? Whether it was right before you chose to work with me. What happened at that? And it's always a pain point. What was that one thing that happened, and then, that drove you to make a decision, to do something different and I'm not here to be a catalyst.

[00:11:37] Oh my gosh. You know, you need to work with Christy Rutherford, but it's at what point do you shift? Because only when you shift and become to recognize what's going on, that's when real change happens.

[00:11:49] I think it started, you spoke at a women's leadership conference that I attended, and I met with you there and you went over some really great stuff.

[00:11:59] And I was like, you know, this is really inspiring. And we had a group of women that had come to that conference and between when that conference happened. And when I started working with you, we started to meet kind of regularly and talk about the challenges that we were having. Cuz you highlighted a lot of them.

[00:12:15] Like, not asking for things and not living up to our full potential and letting other people tell us, this is what your success will look like. And I think just talking with them, I realize I don't want to be like this anymore. And when I started working with you, your sessions were tough.

[00:12:37] You had tough questions, we weren't reading any fluffy books.

[00:12:43] Yes.

[00:12:44] You wanted to get in there and we're gonna really get down to the root of these problems. And we're gonna talk about where it's at, cuz I think one of the things you told us once for me, the problem isn't the military, the military isn't the problem. The problem is you.

[00:13:00] And nobody tells you that nobody's okay, look, the problem starts with you and it really does. So that is what was the big change for me was my shift in view of I don't have any control because it's completely the military who's in control here to I have all of the control.

[00:13:21] I can make these choices. I can define my own success. I can make these changes with or without the military or my company, just that shift in mindset from, I have no control to I have all the control was huge for me.

[00:13:36] You know, what's interesting is we're conditioned to think that everybody else is the reason for our problems.

[00:13:45] There's a lot of finger point that goes on and it's them, it's them, it's them, regardless of what the problem is. And so when you awaken to who you are and understand that is you, which is hard to look in the mirror.

[00:13:59] It is.

[00:14:00] One of my favorite quotes that Napolean Hill said, he said, if I had the courage to look in the mirror to see myself as I truly am. If I had the courage to look in the mirror, to see myself as I truly am, then I will find out what is wrong with me and fix it as opposed to building alibis to cover my misfortunes. And I remember reading that right as I left my career. And I'm like, if I had the curse to look in the mirror, wait, you mean at me?

[00:14:28] And now I have to own, because it's so easy. As leaders, because as a woman in leadership, you're a woman in leadership we're always serving and we're always giving advice to everybody else for all the challenges that they have. And we've read a gazillion books and magazines about all the things that we need to do, but when we have to look in the mirror and be like, well, am I applying what I actually read for the past 10 years?

[00:14:51] Or am I taking the advice that I so easily give out to other people? So tell the listeners about your journey of once you started to see that you were the challenge, One, what did that look like for you? And then, what did you do?

[00:15:08] So once I saw that the challenge started with me, I was building my own barriers. Taking down those barriers was really tough. And you gave us. I remember in the course, you gave us some tough love. We'd answer some of your questions and like line up our excuses and they would sound, I'd be listening to other ladies answer. Yeah. You know, you're right. You're right. You need a hug and you'd be like, no, all of that. Throw it out. None of that.

[00:15:35] Anybody trying to hear that.

[00:15:41] And you would hear all of us, we would do it. You do it, and we'd each be surprised when you would do it to us. Cuz we each knew our own story was gonna be the one where you're like, you know what? You're right. You're right. So we were each surprised when you did it to us, even though we watched it happen.

[00:15:55] Breaking down those barriers was really hard. And I think the hardest one for me was we had one week where you said, say, no, say no. Christy, I can't say no. That's not how you get ahead in life. You do things you're active, you're engaged. You meet other people's needs. And you're like, nobody's trying to hear that.

[00:16:17] No, you need to say no. I can't say no. And really pushed in. I really thought about it. I spent a lot of time after your lessons, like reflecting, I took a lot of notes and even that first week, I was like, okay, I'm gonna try it. I'll try it. I'm gonna go through this. And when it fails miserably, next week when I meet with Christy, I'm gonna be like, look at what happened here, following your advice.

[00:16:41] And that week. I had the opportunity to say no a whole bunch of times, because I don't think I realized until I really started getting very cognizant about it. How many times I was saying, yes. And all of a sudden I was, why are these people asking me to do this? This isn't my job. I reached out, I focused on, I made my priorities and I still helped people, but I started saying no, and it was really hard the first time.

[00:17:13] But it got easier as I did it. And I also followed your advice that no was a complete sentence. I didn't have to say, oh no, I don't have time. Oh, no, I'm not the right person, but let me do this other thing for you. Just no. And then I would stop and then we'd have this awkward silence for like a minute because they were processing.

[00:17:35] This is not how Chrystin acts. Chrystin does everything for everybody. Is this a, where's the camera?

[00:17:44] They are like, we're being punk.

[00:17:49] And then they, and I was like, that was really easy and it was such a stress relief and I had so much stuff done that week because I wasn't distracted by all of these other things that I really wasn't passionate about.

[00:18:04] And I think, that was the big mountain peak challenge that I overcame because once I was able to say, no, everything else came so much easier because I could focus on what I was passionate about and where I felt I could really make a difference. And it completely changed the way that I engaged with my work and my job.

[00:18:25] And suddenly. I was given all kinds of opportunities to do things that I otherwise probably wouldn't have had. So I think that was really my catalyst moment. Like everything built on after that. But that was the hardest challenge you gave us. And when I overcame that, instead of coming back to you and being like, it didn't work and it was terrible, I had to sit quietly and be like, yeah, Christy knows what she's talking about.

[00:18:49] You know, I love that because everybody's gonna have their one thing. You know, it's gonna be their one shift. What was that moment? And what I know for sure, busy women are busy doing a lot of good things.

[00:19:01] Yes. Everything I was doing was good.

[00:19:03] But not the right things. And because we're drowning in good things, we can't make room for the right things. We can't make room for self care. We can't make room to really just do what we want to do because we're drowning and miserable, doing stuff that we don't even wanna do anyway, doing stuff that we're not passionate about. So you're feeling your cup with stuff that you deplore, I mean, you might like it, but not as much.

[00:19:31] Does that make sense?

[00:19:32] Oh yeah.

[00:19:32] Sometimes you just hate it, but you're gonna do it because you don't know how to say no. And now you don't have time to live a happy and a passionate life because you're not even doing your passion projects. You can't go and do art if you are too busy doing, being an art teacher, which is what you love.

[00:19:48] Let me tell you.

[00:19:49] Go ahead.

[00:19:52] During that time, I took a week vacation to Paris. And normally, wherever I go work knows I'm gonna answer their emails. I'm gonna answer their calls. I'm gonna do whatever. And I told them before I left, I said, do not call me, do not email me. I am gonna be in Paris. I am going to be drinking wine and eating croissants and doing touristy stuff.

[00:20:16] I am not gonna do this. And they're like you say that every time. They had me on like wifi calling and they would call me, I put them on ignore. I didn't answer their emails. I am in Paris. No. And I stuck by that. I had the best time. It was the most relaxing vacation. I did. I brought an art journal and I would sit in cafes in an art journal.

[00:20:41] And I really immersed myself in like a true vacation since I don't know when the last time was, I had a vacation that wasn't interrupted by a work phone call. I drew my boundaries and I kept those boundaries even when they pushed back against it, and they figured it out. Like they can do this. They don't need me. I'm just the easy button.

[00:21:04] This is so good. I hope the women are taking notes. Cause I mean, and this is unscripted, by the way, I didn't send her questions ahead of time. She didn't even practice this, asking questions. A lot of women are afraid to say no, because they think that one, they'll be fired.

[00:21:20] Two, people will be pissed off and do certain things, but we're actually enabling people not to grow because we're not giving them room to figure it out themselves. And so, I remember when I was there and, we were in Texas and people would meet me at the door with problems.

[00:21:45] It's 6:30 in the morning and they will be waiting huffing and puffing, like waiting for me to get to work so they can explain the first fire of the day. And so I said, you know what, don't bring me any bad news until 10 o'clock in the morning. And they were like, what? I mean, y'all are destroying the whole, I have like six cups of coffee.

[00:22:01] So I'm walking around like this, you know, I'm dancing to the Beyonce and Rihanna trying to fight off the negativity of the day. It starts, as soon as I walk in the door, 6:30, 7 o'clock it doesn't matter. And so when I said, don't bring me any bad news until 10 o'clock one, I was just doing it for myself and my sanity.

[00:22:20] But two, what I learned was they started to figure the problems out on their own. So you talked about that easy button that was gold right there, because when you do show up all the time and surrender your piece and your joy where you're not able to. I mean, I can imagine you sitting with your art pad in a cafe, in a croissant, just in peace, you're allowing them to destroy your vacation and then you come back and complain that you didn't have a good vacation because they didn't let you. No, it was you're allowing is not what they are letting happen. It's what you allow.

[00:23:00] Yes. And that was the best vacation and it really, like you said, they figured out everything on their own. They didn't need me to do it for them. It maybe took them a little bit longer, but they did it when I came back. None of the things that they had asked me about needed to be done anymore, they all had been taken care of.

[00:23:21] That's so good. That's so good. So, tell the listeners about what happened, you got a few job offers during that, even though you're not at the point of retirement yet, but tell the listeners about how you started to show up differently in the places that you went and how people notice it.

[00:23:40] I started showing up more confident in myself for starters and I had my boundaries built and I had the opportunity to work with a local agency preparing for the pandemic. And I did a great job and it was uncomfortable for me to try to change this. It was the first time that I was like, I took ownership of my abilities instead of, oh no, it's okay, anybody can do this.

[00:24:16] I was like, no, this is hard. And I've trained for years and years and years in practice, you're getting 20 years of experience right now. Here's how you start. I will help you out and I'll help you build up to this. But, hey, I'm awesome. And y'all are lucky to have me here.

[00:24:33] Hello? You know who talking to right now? You were like, yeah, I'm great. You can't have far better than me.

[00:24:42] You know, I would sit in my car. I would get in early and I would sit in my car and I would meditate a little bit for like five or 10 minutes, cuz it would make me nervous to be like, okay, you're gonna go in there and you're gonna be confident and you're going to take credit for your work today.

[00:24:59] You're not going to undersell your value to these people. You are going to be a strong, confident woman when you walk in there. And once I did that, that's what I went in there at. And I think I spent about a month working with this agency and it got easier every day until it became just habit. Like I would just get there and I'd be like, all right, strong, confident woman time and walk in there.

[00:25:21] And that reflected not just on my work, but the work of my entire team, which was difficult. A lot of times when we lead, we lead people that we've known for a long time, but these were people. I was getting new people in and out every three or five days. So when they came in, when I was there solid, confident in myself and what we were doing and I could tell them, yeah, here's all the awesome stuff I'm doing to take care of you.

[00:25:50] They were more confident in their own abilities cuz they were in this unfamiliar environment and I was like, oh, so now it's not just me being confident in myself, having a strong, confident leader, inspires all those people that you are leading. It makes them feel better. So it really helped the whole teamwork thing.

[00:26:10] And like you said by the end of it, they were like, look, I know you're getting out of the coast guard in a year. We have some job openings now, but here's my cards. I will make you a position. We don't even have to have one open. I will make you one.

[00:26:24] That's what I'm talking about.

[00:26:25] And that was, I had three different job offers by the end of that month, before we had even finished our course.

[00:26:31] And I told you about that when I came back. And I think since then I have kept that up focused on me being confident since then I've gotten. I think four more job offers. I'm not even out of the military yet.

[00:26:46] Break dancing, go ahead, let's do this. 7 job offers. Hello.

[00:26:54] And this is y'all. I haven't done a resume. My LinkedIn profile needs love. I haven't sat down for an interview. The only thing I changed was when I interact with people, I changed my attitude. And I'm and I take ownership of my own awesomeness when I show up someplace.

[00:27:18] Whoo! I can't make this stuff up. I mean, I tell people all the time. Okay. So I ain't gonna, I just danced for like, I'm getting hot, I'll start dancing, but the listeners can't see, y'all gotta catch the video on YouTube. I was just dancing and it was old school in the eighties. I don't do nothing past 1985. So I love it when you talked about, I had to sit in my car and pump myself up first.

[00:27:47] Right? So it is a new habit and a lot of people think that motivation. What does the Zigler say? You know, people say the motivation doesn't last and he says, neither does bathing. That's why we do it every day. So you had to start to set new intentions and then new habits until you became the person that you knew you could be. Tell us a little bit more about that.

[00:28:12] I think I would, because I was just so naturally just always willing to be there, to support other people. I don't like, hey, you know what? Just leave that award on my desk. We don't have to like, do a thing. We don't have to make a big deal about it. Just makes me uncomfortable.

[00:28:30] But there's a, I think I just tangled it up inside my head with being self-centered and it's not. And I really had to disentangle those ideas. It's not being selfish or self-centered to take credit for the things that you have done and the things that you are and it really inspired a new level of confidence.

[00:28:56] Cuz I realized I was really confident in my skills and I was really confident in my ability and I was really confident in what I could do, but I was not confident in me. I was confident in all these actions that I could take, but that didn't translate to being confident in myself. And I really had to build that up.

[00:29:13] And meditation was really helpful and not just sitting in the car and doing that to get prepared, to go into work with this new attitude, but even just meditation, lunchtime meditation, just a time to sit in the car, just kind of relax. And it helps me put things back in order because it's so easy to slip back into habits.

[00:29:35] I've got 20 years of habits that I'm trying to change and just taking a little bit of time. I have it on my outlook calendar. So it pops up and it reminds me that it's lunchtime and you're not allowed to sit at your desk. And it'll pop up and say, have you have you meditated today?

[00:29:55] And I mean, it's the military. I go out to my car and I don't meditate like in front of all the guys in the shop or whatever. And I just sit in my car, I've got a little meditation app and it's just five minutes and it really helps me reenter and refocus. And I can realize, Hey, you know what, this morning I was kind of slipping back into whatever this old habit was.

[00:30:13] Let's recenter, what's my goal? Where am I trying to be? And then I come back in and I'm ready to keep being awesome.

[00:30:21] Woo! That's so good. Y'all better be taking notes. That was good. Whohoo! I have seven job offers, so, okay. Like, I always say it and people don't believe me and I'm like, well, show a proof. I can roll out my Rolodex of clients and, you know, it's like spinning around you be like, I have a thousand stories for you, but I didn't know all of this stuff.

[00:30:48] I'm definitely enjoying this interview and the interviews that are to come because I don't get the full recap because we're on to the next woman that needs to be saved drowning, and then you're on living your life. And I can see the expansion in, I think you got featured in an article or it was like a Facebook. It was something that you got featured in. Go ahead.

[00:31:08] Well, I was featured in a resiliency highlight for the Pacific area for the coast guard for dealing with the pandemic. And it was me and my kids and all of my artwork. And they were like, you are holding it together. You're you're doing it. Share with the people how you're doing it.

[00:31:25] That's what it was. It was like a mom thing, cuz everybody's melting down and going nuts and Chrystin is doing, art, kids crafts, baking and, people can see peace because there are a lot of people who talk about I'm happy. Or there are a lot of people who say I'm at peace and there are a lot of people who say I'm successful, but once you get your peace back, you can see how most people align.

[00:31:51] Yup.

[00:31:53] Like I can say to your face girl, like can say of your face. So before we close, I have two more questions. So one, you lost weight, which I haven't seen you since. I don't know. When we started working together, it was like March or something like that. Was it March?

[00:32:07] I think, we started working together in January.

[00:32:09] Okay. So talk to the ladies about, I don't know how you got to where you are, but a lot of my clients look younger. You look different too. I haven't seen you since March. So what happened, Chrystin?

[00:32:27] I think I started putting more effort into my happiness. Like I said, I built in meditation time to my work.

[00:32:36] I stopped working through lunch. I started building those relationships and going out to coffee either with the guys in the shop or with people that I worked with outside of the coast guard and building my network. And I really just enjoyed connecting with people even working from home. It's so easy right now with everybody working from home to just work and work and work.

[00:32:59] And, oh, you know what. I got my computer right here. Let me just hop back on and get this taken care of after dinner. I really had to build some real strong work boundaries. I am not giving you 24 hours of my day. You know, I've got a homeschool kid. I've gotta deal with myself. And I think the difference for me has been making my own health and emotional wellbeing as much of a priority as any of my job assignments.

[00:33:29] Ooh, wait, you hit with the emotional wellbeing because that's what we don't talk about. And I mean, I did it, let's be clear y'all heard my story enough. And I'm back to teaching because I didn't do it, but I was a great leader. People were like, oh, you were like, no, I was not a loser. Please be clear.

[00:33:49] I was one of the greatest leaders of all time. I wanna be clear, but I didn't take care of myself. So what's the point? What's the point of being named Tom's 50 most powerful women in the world or being named Forbes 10 most powerful women in the world. If you're depleted. Secretly crazy. Not connected with yourself and your family.

[00:34:13] I always think I'm gonna create a thing that says 10 most happiest women in the world. Does that make sense? I don't wanna be the most powerful, I want to be the most happiest. Go ahead.

[00:34:22] That's what it is. That's the big difference between before and after I'm I'm happy and like my own happiness is one of my priorities. It's one of my values. And now I put the attention that I should put on that.

[00:34:40] Oh, that's good. That's like, I remember when people would say Christy, are you happy? I'm like, man, what does that really mean? Right. Like we're adults, everybody's miserable.

[00:34:49] You're supposed to be right. You're supposed to go to work and be miserable. Work is supposed to make you sad.

[00:34:54] I'm supposed to hate my job. Everybody else hates their job. So, okay. So before we close, the last question is, tell the listeners about what and how you showing up differently for yourself first, because that's where it happened, how it changed the dynamics of your household and then the epic win of your husband?

[00:35:14] So when I changed the way that I was acting, we started, I sat down at one point and I really laid out what are my values? What do I value? What do I want? But where am I spending my attention? Where am I spending my time? And I was like, I'm spending my time on all this stuff that I don't want. I don't care if this guy at work has less work to do.

[00:35:42] Why am I spending my time helping there? That's not where I wanna spend my time. I wanna spend my time building up my family and being more active with the kids and just being happy. And I sat down and I reprioritized for myself. Because I think I had just let other people make my priorities for me.

[00:36:03] For the first time I sat down and really thought about what do I want and what are my priorities and what are my boundaries. So I set those up and then I sat down with my family and I did the same thing with them. I was like, look, we're starting this work from home thing. We're starting this school from home thing.

[00:36:20] I've been down this road. We're not gonna get into like this miserable place of, we hate each other and we're bouncing off the walls with each other and everybody's working constantly and up at 3:00 AM doing like an email. No, we're gonna set healthy boundaries and we're gonna decide what we all want.

[00:36:36] We really set down and I did this with the kids too. And they set their priorities for what they wanna do. And we dropped some of the activities that they were doing, which was actually relief on me. So I was like, all right, you know, cause I'm trying to teach them the same thing. And my husband reprioritized, and he's like, why am I doing all of this work for people at this pay rate?

[00:36:59] He at his job, his supervisor left. So he moved into his supervisor's position with all of his responsibilities, but none of the pay benefits. I was like, you're doing awesome things, Jason, you're doing all of this work, but your company's not valuing you, you set your own value.

[00:37:21] I just channeled you just through my mouth to him. And he had listened in the background to all of our things. And he's like, you know what? You're right. And just like me, he had to go back and forth cuz he's passionate about his job. He's passionate about what he does, but he finally started applying to jobs and it was going okay. He got some interviews and he was like second choice a lot of times. And then he did the big thing. I was like, you know, what changed things for me was actually saying to people what I want, hey, look, my goal is to do this. My goal is to work here. My goal is to make this much money.

[00:38:00] And he is like, oh, and he said that to somebody. And they were like, oh, hey, let me hook you up. I got this friend, who's doing interviews over here and you would be a perfect fit. If I had known that this is what you were looking for. I would've told you a long time ago, he did the interview.

[00:38:16] They snatched him up. He doubled his paycheck. He more than doubled his paycheck. He starts working there in less than a week now. And he's so excited, and it has made such a difference for us. Cuz as I transition out, we have financial stability looking forward and he feels like he's valued. He's doubled his paycheck doing less work.

[00:38:42] Woo. I was just doing the, but the listeners who can't my eighties street dance. Ooh, that's so good. I mean, two things before we get off. So maybe we'll have to make this 45 minutes. The women are still listening great. If y'all wanna drop, drop off. That's fine.

[00:39:02] Mom guilt and mom guilt is a thing and they got articles on it. They have books on it. I mean, I could probably win a million dollars talking about mom guilt, but how you changed was when you said I reprioritized for myself. So tell the moms who feel guilty. Cause I mean, if maybe I'm going to title to this episode of mom guilt and it's not really about mom guilt, but you changed everything for yourself and always say, don't do it for the kids.

[00:39:37] Is mom guilt. You feel guilty that you don't have time for your kids because you're spending time at work. You don't have time for your kids because you don't have the energy to even give to them because you're giving all your energy away at work for priorities. You feel guilty on vacation. Because you are actually answering calls and email.

[00:39:59] So tell us about if you had mom guilt. I don't know if you know that that's a thing. You probably do, you're a mom.

[00:40:04] I do.

[00:40:06] And then how you are today?

[00:40:10] Mom guilt is terrible. It's the most real thing cuz you always feel like you're not doing enough. Oh, no, I bought my kid's birthday cake and I should have really just made it at home out of organic flour.

[00:40:22] And I had to turn off my Pinterest. I couldn't even handle it anymore. But like you said, I had never sat down and said, what are my priorities? Obviously I knew like, oh yeah, my family's my priority. And my spirituality and doing a great job, all of those really big things. But real specifically, what are my priorities?

[00:40:45] And then compared that to, where am I spending my attention? And I realized that I had those lists were flip flopped. I was spending all my attention saying yes to all these things at work and working overtime and doing this because I wanted to get ahead, right. To support my family and give them a better life.

[00:41:05] But that's not my priority. My priority was doing these things for myself and my kids and the family. And when I made those lists of where my attention is going and where my values are, it all fell into place. When I took time for myself, I was calmer. I had more energy because I wasn't exhausted from work and like having to do a whole bunch of stuff that I didn't care about or doing 10 hours of work in an eight hour Workday.

[00:41:38] So I would come home and I'd be more willing to like, yeah, come on. Let's go sit in the floor and play Legos or, yeah, let's go on that bike ride or, yeah, let's go there. Let's do this. So I had the capacity to really engage truly with my kids and then working with them and figuring out, Hey guys, what do you want?

[00:42:00] What are your priorities? We were able to like cut some things out that they weren't enjoying, that I didn't realize they were spending attention on that they didn't want to. And it made all of us happier and it made our communication better. So then behavior changed for them because they were getting better quality attention from me.

[00:42:22] It's not about like, oh, I handmade a pinata and filled it with organic homemade candy. You know, it was, I spent quality time with them and modeled the behavior that's healthy for myself. And they started to emulate that behavior. And I mean, throughout the entire family, it just made us a healthier family.

[00:42:46] And it really helped with the mom guilt thing. I knew that as long as I've got my priorities in order and I think sometimes we think of this priorities things in family and work as a scale. You're trying to balance your scale and it's not, it's like a sailboat when you're trying to go forward on your sailboat.

[00:43:08] Sometimes you've gotta give it more sail. You've gotta pull in the yaw. Sometimes you're leaned a little bit more this way. Sometimes you're leaned a little bit more that way, but you're still making forward progress because you've got to adjust your trim to meet the environment that you're in. It's not about having a balance. It's about being balanced.

[00:43:30] I can't make this stuff up. I can't wait for you to launch your coaching program. So before we close, you said something that was so good on when you made yourself a priority and then you started to prioritize your time and then you found out your kids were doing things that they didn't really wanna do anyway, which added stress to your day, because now you have to now assist them at things that they don't wanna do. But when you were doing things that you didn't wanna do out of obligation to other people, now they're doing things that they don't wanna do out of obligation because maybe mom wants us to come here and once everybody can settle into.

[00:44:09] Let's tell the truth, not about what looks perfect on Pinterest or what looks perfect on Instagram or what this book told me that my family should want and what I should want. And then everybody sat down and said, this is what I want.

[00:44:24] That's exactly what happened.

[00:44:25] I don'y have to Model dysfunction of the world. Who's telling me that if I don't want this, then there's something wrong with me.

[00:44:30] And once you said, this is what I want. You gave your kids the opportunity to say, this is what they want. Jason had an opportunity to say what he wants. Now,everybody's happy having voiced what they want and what they desired. So you can now free up 90% of your space to just give them the 10%, cuz it's not even that much.

[00:44:52] No, it's not. And now I have that, you know, I have that 10% to give them.

[00:44:59] Ooh. That's good. Okay. So, okay. So we gotta close cause we'll be on this thing all day. Cause I love winning and is not for me and, even for you. It's not about the job offers, but we want that money too. Let's be clear.

[00:45:15] We do.

[00:45:16] I'm not playing, I want that money too, for me, it's about how you show up differently for yourself. First, you have to give yourself permission then how you show up differently for your family and how your kids have changed. And then your husband doubles his salary for less the work.

[00:45:32] Or he doubled his salary for actually yeah working less.

[00:45:37] Less work, yeah.

[00:45:38] So I did say that, right, but then, now you have harmony and now we're gonna get the money too. What is one action that you would recommend to the listeners that they could do today to give them a big shift in where they are right now?

[00:45:55] I think, realize that the control is yours. A lot of times we say my barriers are these other people. My barriers is my company. My barriers is this other thing that I have no control over. And that's not true. The control is here with you and it's up to you to decide how you're gonna react to things.

[00:46:19] What are you going to accept? What are you not going to accept? And to enforce those boundaries, realize that you have so much more control than what you give yourself credit for. And really sit down. If you have not ever done it before, sit down and make that priorities list. What are your priorities?

[00:46:37] What are your family's priorities and then think about, but where are you actually spending your time and attention and compare that list back. You have the control to decide where those things happen.

[00:46:50] Chrystin, thank you so much for showing up and sharing your wisdom, sharing your insights. And I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to continue to have a relationship with you, but then watch you first.

[00:47:01] And when I saw you. We'll go one last note, because I love where you are right now, because when I saw you in, was it January? I don't know where we were. When was that again?

[00:47:12] Actually, it's been about a year. We saw each other at that thing about a year ago.

[00:47:17] Okay. It's already October. I'm tripping. So when I saw you and you told me what your rank was, I said, wait a minute, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. You mean to tell me you haven't been promoted since I left. And I left eight years ago. So I was like, come on, man. What's wrong with you? So I'm almost sure I probably beat you in the head a little bit, which I don't apologize for.

[00:47:39] But to see how you changed. and I always talk about the law of compensation, where you catapult to where you're supposed to be. It's almost like, I don't know if you, if I'm gonna have to give some demonstrations one day, but you know how you have those dried out little this things and you drop the water on it and it starts to grow, blah.

[00:47:58] Right. It starts really big. It's almost like. What's stopping you from seeing how you were great in 2012, 8 years ago. So I'm shocked. Like, wait, you need to tell me you haven't been promoted what happened? And you said I'm always doing all the work and I'm exhausted. I was like, okay. So we gotta change that.

[00:48:18] So I'm proud of where you are right now, but knowing that the seven job offers aren't shocking is because that's who you are. So, all right. I hear somebody in the background. We'll close.

[00:48:32] Yeah, I got the family, so...

[00:48:34] All right. Well, thank you so much. Tell Jason. I said, Hey.

[00:48:38] I will definitely pass it on and thank you so much for having me on and for all your help I look forward to telling you about all of my success.

[00:48:46] Oh, yeah.

[00:48:47] Because bigger things are coming.

[00:48:49] Thank you for joining us. Be sure to subscribe to this podcast and leave us a review if you love this episode, follow Christy on Instagram and LinkedIn, and don't forget to get her free gift by texting "changenow" all one word again, "changenow" to 66866. Until next time, go out and win bigger.