Heather Shannon (00:02.734)

Hello, my friends. I almost forgot my microphone, but here I am. Today we are here to talk about what I have dubbed the target zone framework. So if you have been wondering, something feels off in my relationship. I don't really know what we're doing wrong. Maybe just the sexy spark isn't there. Or maybe you actually do have a great sexy spark, but it's just tougher to communicate.

this episode is for you. And I actually have an amazing freebie for you guys if you stay to the end where you're gonna be able to apply some of this for yourself. So let me tell you how this framework came to exist. It came from my personal life. My personal life combined with chat GPT. So I was doing some reflecting on, know, have I been kind of on the right track at least with people I've dated?

in the past and just kind of reflecting on why did certain things not work out in the long run? Why did certain relationships actually feel much better than others? And seeing if I could use that to help me map a path forward that was going to combine the excitement and the sexiness that I had in certain connections with some safety and security that I had in others, right?

So basically, this is a grid. You can think of like an X and a Y axis, right? And on the X axis, we have spark energy. And the way I'm defining that is sort of like the sexual chemistry, right? So it's like, do you have that spark? Do you not have that spark? And I think it's important that we also do operationalize it a little bit. And we will talk more about what that spark means.

But the other dimension, just so you guys can kind of picture it, is home energy. And the reason I named it home energy is because if you really great, if you score a 10 out of 10 in that category, it's like this person feels like home, right? And so what makes someone feel like home? We're gonna get into that too. So as I was going through the process,

Heather Shannon (02:19.83)

and just talking with chat GPT about, okay, well, here's what I noticed with this person. But then with this person, there's some appeal, there's some draw, there's some attraction, but it's a whole different type of connection. So with certain people, it might've felt like, there's a really awesome spiritual connection. Maybe there's even some playfulness, but I don't know if I'm really seeing that this person has the bandwidth for a relationship. If they're really able to kind of make the space and make the effort. With other people, it might be like,

my gosh, like they're just making me feel like they're really into me and they're noticing all these great things about me and they're giving compliments and there's an excitement level. And at the same time, maybe there's little sexual tension moments because maybe we disagree on something little or can have like a little playful teasing moment and laugh about it. It's not like a serious disagreement. It's more like, what do you think that? That's so crazy.

And I think actually this is where if you're into like pickup artistry at all, this is where negging could possibly fit in in terms of creating the sexual tension in chemistry. So as I was coming up with this, ChachiPT was like, do you want me to make a graph for you? And I was like, yes, yes I do. Let's plot the people on the graph because I'm a nerd like that. And...

And as we did, it was actually really helpful to see on one hand, there was nobody in the lower left corner that was like both low in Spark and low in Home Energy. And I was like, all right, so I'm not doing that bad. Everyone that I'm choosing is at least sort of on like the halfway line or better. Like, okay, good, good to know. And then it was also really interesting to see that some people that I had great connection with in terms of chemistry in Spark.

were actually pretty low in home energy when I thought about it. And so the process kind of helped me own, like, yes, these are both really important. And it's important not to compromise on either. And as I reflected more, and then I also put some people in my current orbit on there just to see, OK, how are they showing up?

Heather Shannon (04:32.686)

What are my emotions about it versus kind of what is more the objective truth looking at this graph? And of course the whole graph itself is subjective. And so it was really helpful to see and kind of give myself a reality check, right? So if you're newly dating, if you're single, I think this is a really good exercise, but I actually think it's a great exercise if you're in a committed relationship too. Because after I created this chart and was able to kind of see some of my own patterns,

And I will also add, I was able to notice what was causing me to rank certain people higher on Spark or lower on Spark. Right? And it forced me to operationalize it a little bit. So somebody that I ranked really high, was like, there was a lot of novelty. They were kind of a yes person. But there was also a stability there that kind of let me.

surrender to the excitement aspect of the relationship, right? And with other people, it was more of like, ooh, this, I don't know if this is good for me yet, but it's exciting. And then as time went on and I was like, you know what, this person isn't bringing what I need to the table in terms of communication or consistency, which is the home energy, I would notice that, now I actually feel less spark with them. And I think this is healthy.

So what's so interesting about this framework is not only do we have these two dimensions, but I especially think that the home dimension is foundational. So what I wound up doing, and which I think will be a great exercise for all of you listening, is just deciding what's sort of a cutoff, what's sort of the minimum viable amount of home energy that you would need to have a really good relationship with somebody.

and what's the minimum viable amount of spark energy that you would need to have a really great relationship with somebody. And so I think just because of the work I do, my personal experience, I really feel like the home energy is a bit more important. And I also think it's because it influences the spark, right? So I mean, you could have a great spark with someone, but if you don't have that home energy, it's just not gonna be a healthy relationship. And I also think feeling safe with someone.

Heather Shannon (06:50.156)

and developing the emotional intimacy can create more spark. That's often a gateway to a better sex life with the clients that I work with. I also think on the flip side, if you've got like 10 out of 10 home energy, it can also maybe feel like somebody is your sibling instead of your sexy romantic partner, especially if you don't have enough of those spark factors. So I really think that the home energy influences the spark energy. Now not for everybody.

I think this also maybe depends on if you're just like, hey, I'm just a highly sexual person. I really don't need the home energy. I also would argue if you're looking for a long-term committed relationship, you probably do want the home energy. If you're just like, I just want to fuck around and have a good time, you probably don't need to worry about this too much. So yeah, start reflecting on that. So for me, I was noticing with the chemistry,

It was people making me feel special. I noticed that I was more drawn to people who are emotionally expressive. If someone was kind of flat emotionally and just kind of like real, steady, it's just, it's harder for me to feel as much. Now other people might like that. They might find that really grounding, right? And so this is where I want people to do their own reflecting. So just because I came up with certain things that I think count.

towards spark energy or home energy, you might come up with different things. You probably will come up with different things and that is wonderful. But I think the two dimensions remain. And then for the spark energy, did put a six out of 10 is the minimum viable because you need to have some attraction. You shouldn't be forcing it. It shouldn't be like, well, I don't know, they're a nice person. Sex shouldn't be that important, right? It shouldn't be all about the chemistry.

And then those people I often think have the hardest time when they do work with an intimacy coach or a sex therapist because they never really had it, right? If you kind of get together with somebody because you're friends, it's like, okay, great. So you're gonna have great companionship, but that's where you're at. I do think you can work on the spark energy and that's actually a really, really big part of why I wanted to create this podcast episode.

Heather Shannon (09:01.878)

If you're on my email list, you also got an email about this this week and I got some nice feedback on the email. So it made me think, okay, let's do an episode on this topic because I think it might help people. But yes, so we're listing out what we find sexy, what creates the spark, we're listing out what creates that security stable home energy for us. Now, if you're in a committed relationship now,

I think it's worthwhile to plot your current relationship on the chart, right? So are you in the target zone? Are you at seven or above on home energy and six or above on spark? If so, amazing. You probably don't need to change much. And it might even be a good reminder for you that your relationship is good enough as it is, right? So if you're someone who's always optimizing, always trying to make things better,

I might know some people like that. Might be somebody like that. It could be a good reminder of like, okay, we're actually doing a great job, right? We're actually in a healthy, balanced relationship. The other thing I noticed as I was kind of putting different people on this chart is that most people tend to be higher in one or the other. Very few people, in my opinion, seem to be like 50-50. And if they are 50-50, chances are...

They're 50-50, not in the target zone. So they might be at a 5 out of 10 on both and not in the target zone. So I think that's also important to remember. Even though a 6 out of 10 or a 7 out of 10 doesn't sound that wildly high in terms of ratings, when you actually map this out and if you stay to the end and download the freebie I have so you can do this exercise on your own, you'll notice even at those very reasonable, moderate numbers,

only 12 % of the chart is in the target zone. So it's actually pretty challenging. So I think that's important to remember too. But I also think if you're someone who's trying to identify a life partner, it should be challenging for someone to be in the target zone, right? Like we shouldn't just be like committing our lives to like anyone who seems like all right on like one dimension.

Heather Shannon (11:19.09)

So keep that in mind. Stick to your standards. This is also going to help people who struggle with boundaries or who get swept away and the excitement and the sexiness of everything. It's like, they hitting the home energy metrics? Right? Because remember, I made that one more important. Now, you might decide to make it less important. And that's also OK. I kind of want to validate that. I have also worked with clients who have that really high spark energy. And some of them will be like,

well, are you just a sex therapist? Because we maybe just need couples counseling. And I was like, I was a couples counselor before I was a sex therapist. And so then I'll work with them on communication, for example. So by building the communication skill, we're building that home energy number because maybe their spark is already in the target zone, and we need to get that home energy up a couple points to get them in the target zone. So this is really a tool for creating kind of harmony, equanimity, balance in your relationship.

And also your relationship can change over time, right? So it might be, hey, we're in a honeymoon period, spark is really high, we're still building the home energy. It might be like, we just had kids, our whole life is about the home energy, we gotta get some spark back, right? But this tool is gonna kinda keep you honest about where you're at. And it's also just a nice prompt to have a conversation about how you're both feeling in the relationship and what you want to work on.

And the other piece is that it makes it not rocket science, right? Because my problem is with the whole area of like sex and libido and spark and chemistry, it can just sound so vague and like this real mysterious thing. So I wanna make this really concrete for people so that you know exactly what you wanna do, okay? So let's talk a little bit now about what goes into each dimension.

more specifically, so I've kind of hinted at it a bit. But the home energy, let's start with that one since we're kind of prioritizing that a little bit more. One of the things I would say should go into this is feeling safe with the person. Physically safe, yes, but emotionally safe as well. So that might mean you feel comfortable bringing things up to them that are kind of vulnerable because you know they're not going to run away.

Heather Shannon (13:43.757)

You know that they're not going to call you names. You know they're not going to shut down and end the conversation. And that might, again, sound kind of like a basic threshold, but it's not. Most people have a hard time with these things. So that's how we're creating emotional safety, though. You don't threaten to leave someone when you're fighting or when things get hard. And you're really building this container of emotional safety, which will serve you.

through the rest of your relationship. So it's really foundational. I'm also going to add stability in terms of your home finances, household routines. You don't need to have millions and millions of dollars. to know, OK, we can get by. This is not a constant stressor. If it is, that's an area to dig in and work on, to help create your home energy. It could be your household routines, though. And it could be, hey, if finances aren't as strong as we want them to be right now,

How can we focus on other things that we have more control over? Or can we cut costs? Can we get creative? Can we just kind of create routines together with cooking or with quality time or with doing something playful and kind of bringing some laughter into your lives? Okay, I'm gonna take a sip of water, hang on.

Heather Shannon (15:07.478)

Okay, so.

Heather Shannon (15:13.184)

Another area that goes into home energy is emotional intelligence and communication skills. Not surprisingly, I'm obsessed with this area. I feel like we could all continue to work on it. And I think it's about finding that balance between being authentic, being like person, communicating like a person, not like you're some academic using all this therapy jargon, which I realize I'm a therapist, but I also think it's more important to be a human first and foremost.

And this is where you can manage your painful emotions. You can feel them. You can name your emotions without them taking over and running the show. And that your partner can do that. So if your partner does that for you, that creates that safety. That creates that home energy. It's like, that's so nice. They listen to me really well. I feel like they're actually present with me when I'm talking about something, especially when they know it's important for the relationship.

Another area would be love languages, right? Because love languages are all about nurturing each other and kind of investing and again, building that strong foundation in the relationship. if you're getting your physical affection, if you're getting your compliments, if your partner is making quality time for you, if they're getting you little gifts, if they're doing acts of service,

that's going to feel more like home. You're going to be like, wow, this person's really invested. So there's an element of home energy that is about nurturing, and it's also about effort. When we see that somebody is willing to make effort for us, that helps create that feeling of security. And then lastly, the one I want to mention in home energy, and again, you might have other dimensions that you think should go in here. I would actually love to hear from you on that.

You guys can always email me at askasextherapistpodcast at gmail.com. So with the shared vision, our last subcategory in home energy, it's all about, we working towards the same thing? Do we want the same thing? Are we on the same page? And if you are, you're gonna feel more of that security, you're gonna feel more of that home energy, right? Okay, so let's move over to Spark Energy.

Heather Shannon (17:32.48)

This one I think is even more challenging to operationalize. So I've listed some things that I noticed when I was doing this target zone framework exercise on myself. And also that I've seen enough with clients that I think these are going to be fairly universal. But again, I would love to hear from you guys if you notice something different or something that was left out. So physical traction, right? This is kind of the basic. This one is interesting because

Like many things, it changes. So the way we actually look changes over the course of our lifetime. And I would also say as we get older, we tend to place less importance on purely physical attraction. So it doesn't mean we don't care, right? I still think it's good to think that the person you're with is cute or attractive or sexy or hot or some variation of this. We don't want to just throw it out the window.

But for some people it matters very little and for other people it's still the primary way they experience attraction. So we're not trying to make anyone right or wrong here. It's just noticing how big a piece of the equation is this for you. And to just be honest with yourself about it, really. And it's okay, whether it's a big piece or a small piece, but that can be a big component of the spark energy. The other one.

I noticed is the expressiveness. And I actually think expressiveness can be both an aspect of home energy, like in the example of words of affirmation, for example, or being good at emotional intelligence and communicating. Here in the spark energy category, I think expressiveness is a little bit different. So it's a little bit more of like how much life force energy are you bringing to your communication?

Right? So like people tell me I have a terrible poker face, right? I'm like not that good at hiding things. So my face itself, like my facial expressions are very expressive. Other people might be a little bit more neutral and have a really good poker face. Other people might feel like they're just more flat emotionally, but this expressiveness, what I've noticed, you can think of it as charisma or flirtation or even like a little bit of drama, but in a fun, healthy way.

Heather Shannon (19:50.574)

And it's kind of about, you know, is this person...

you know, somebody who is not afraid to share their opinions, who is giving compliments, maybe playfully teasing you, right? Are they laughing? Are they like jokingly rolling their eyes at you? Are they smiling? Are they winking? Are they, you know, using body language? That's part of expressiveness too. It's like not even our face, but like, they leaning in? Are they doing hand gestures? So all of this can go into that expressiveness.

But I think that that expressiveness is bringing a little bit more life force energy and can help us to feel attraction. Other times you might like somebody who's quiet. And so it's not that there's one way of expressing. It could be just if maybe if someone quiet opens up to you, maybe it means more. Maybe it makes you feel more special, which is part of it too. That's actually my next category. So feeling special. Do you feel seen? Do you feel noticed? Do you feel appreciated?

Is this person into what you're bringing to their life? So it could be, you maybe you're bringing financial stability. Are they really into everything? Thank you. Wow. Like I, I just appreciate you so much. This is amazing because I do think, I see this, especially with men, they want to feel appreciated for what they're bringing to the table. They want to feel like they can succeed with you and make you happy. And, and if that's not the case,

we wind up with sort of complaining and not feeling special and not feeling appreciated and maybe like avoiding some conversations instead. So I do think this is an important dimension as well. And are you communicating that to each other? Is there a sense of, yeah, like I really like what you bring to the table and you are special and I'm feeling special and look at that, we've got some spark happening. Okay, next one is playful. So,

Heather Shannon (21:51.816)

I mean, there's just so much shit going on in the world right now. Like life can be so, so serious if we just really let ourselves dive into that direction. And I think that playfulness can be really healing. I think it can be a remedy to how serious life can feel at times. And therefore it makes people very attractive when they're bringing that into our life. So is there a sense of play? Is there, you know, a game night maybe? Is there some goofiness or pranks or practical jokes?

Are there even just funny little pet names you have for each other? Can you be silly? One of the things I have noticed with couples who are just really good fits for each other is kind of like they're weird. Their weirdness matches each other. So does your weird match as your partner's weird? If so, I think that's a really good sign. And it could also be like maybe this person is just funny. Maybe they make you laugh a lot. Or maybe you go out and do something that makes you laugh. Maybe you're like, hey, we just like to go have little adventures and like.

you know, kind of lighten the mood and be lighthearted together. So I think that's important and it's something I've noticed working with clients where like when they're out and about going out to dinner, going to comedy shows or concerts or whatever it is and they're having a good time and laughing together, that goes a long way for their sex life. I actually think, and I think I covered this recently in my mental foreplay episode, that laughter is really key. So it's coming up again here. So must be pretty important.

and then another one with spark energy is independence. And this is what I think we forget about a lot. And actually our model of a romantic relationship in the United States, at least, and I think a lot of the Western world, is pretty codependent. It's kind of like, let's be obsessed with each other. And you know, a lot of us blame Disney for that. All the fairy tales of like, and then love saved the day. It made everything perfect. And like, all we need is this.

special loving relationship, I don't think that's super healthy. I think we want to have multiple loving relationships. So like whether you're polyamorous and they're sexual and romantic loving relationships, or whether you're monogamous and they're more like familial or platonic friendship relationships, we want to have more than one, right? We want to have community. We don't want to put all of our eggs in one basket. We don't want to be isolated from the rest of the world. know, social support is so hugely important.

Heather Shannon (24:19.768)

But with this independence category, yes, it's about having other relationships, but it can also be about, is this person just really good at their career? Are they into marathon training? Are they like a little nerd about Dungeons and Dragons and they meet every week with their Dungeons and Dragons crew? Because if we become our partner's whole world and they don't really have anything going on outside of us,

This is actually really common cause for loss of attraction. So that is actually important. So as I'm going through these, reflect on where is my partner strong, where are they not, where am I strong, where am I not? And that's going to point you towards what you can work on. I'm also going to add a category here. Talent. I think someone being talented can be a big part of spark energy.

So if somebody's very athletic or very musical or creative in another way or funny, I said before, or a great entrepreneur, that can create spark, just seeing and respecting someone. And it kind of fits with this idea of independence, like, ooh, look at these things that they're good at outside of me and our relationship. And then the last one I want to mention, and this gets brought up a lot on the show, is novelty.

So especially in a long-term relationship, we're going to want to focus on this, but how are you guys doing so far, right? Or if you're single, like in your last relationship, how did you guys do with that? And I will also add here, this is important because sometimes we lose the spark and we don't know why. When we're in a new relationship, early stages of dating, this is like a free pass, you know?

Everything is automatically new. Everything is automatically novel. And we're getting to know this person. And it's exciting. And there's lots of new things to find out about them. And there's lots of curiosity, which I actually think can also be an important part of Spark. Whereas in a long-term relationship, especially once you live with someone, especially once you have kids together, we need to be conscious about

Heather Shannon (26:42.734)

How do we bring the novelty in? How do we create some adventure? Because if you're not conscious about it, you're going to default to, OK, well, we've got to do work and clean the house and kids and cook meals and maybe occasionally try to get a workout in and see our families or whatever. And then you're just exhausted. So it needs to be, and again, this is one of my top things on my Pathway to Passion program that I do in my coaching with couples is we need a step one.

align the priority of relationship. So if it's like, but we don't have time. Well, no, you do. But you don't, you might feel like you don't have time because everything else is actually a higher priority than your relationship. So is work a higher priority? Is family and friends and pleasing other people a higher priority? Is doing your hobbies, maybe you have like 10 hobbies instead of like one or two.

Is that a priority? So just looking honestly at like, how are we actually spending our time and energy? And what could we maybe shuffle around or make somewhat of a lower priority to make sure that we can do date nights or that we can try some new sex positions and have a little convo about it, or that we're gonna plan a little getaway and we're gonna find some childcare for ourselves so that we can actually do that.

It could be, you know, a surprise for your partner. I think that's such a good way to bring novelty in. So what's fun about this target framework to me is that it's not fixed. You can change it, right? So if you're like, we're at like a four and a five, we're not in the target zone. Well, do some of these things we talked about and then you can get in the target zone, right? Especially if your partner is willing to work on it with you.

So I hope this is helpful. I am gonna link to this little exercise I have for you guys. So I created a little PDF. It describes what the home energy is, what spark energy is. It has an illustration of the grid where you can plot your current relationship or past relationship or current crushes. And then it has some instructions and some reflection questions. So I hope that this is really helpful for you guys

Heather Shannon (28:58.807)

Let me know what you think of it and we'll catch you next week with a guest episode of Ask a Sex Therapist. Bye everybody.