E087 - Still Not Sure If You Should Stay? Why It’s Feeling Hard To Find The Answer With Majo Torreli
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[00:00:00] by the end of today's episode, you'll understand why it is so hard for you to find clarity around leaving and how to actually find the answer.
Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.
Welcome back to the podcast. I wonder if you have asked yourself this question, is this relationship right for me? Whether you're currently in the relationship or you've asked yourself this in the past, and maybe when you asked yourself that question, you had this like f. Flood of panic that hits your body and then you're panicked because you can't tune into your body to try to figure out what the right answer is, and you think you're broken, or your intuition is totally offline and never coming back, and you just spiral into this like total dark pit of chaos within yourself [00:01:00] if you have this episode is for you. When We have been through trauma or spent years in survival mode, it is so easy to feel really, really cut off from our intuitive knowing from that deeper wisdom inside of us, and we can feel so lost and directionless and hopeless. . So in today's episode, you're gonna find out the first thing you need to do before you can answer that question is this relationship right for me. You're gonna see why it's so hard to hear your gut or trust your instincts when you have been in intense stress or survived trauma that has really disconnected you from your body.. And you're gonna learn some easy ways to start to rebuild this pathway and these signals from your body to your brain.
Today I am having a beautiful conversation with a woman named Maho Elli. She helps women get reconnected to their bodies so they can break unhealthy patterns and feel safe, grounded, loving, and whole.
She's an Oxford grad, trained in somatic and sex relationships, coaching and body oriented coaching. But [00:02:00] as she will tell you more importantly about herself is that she was in relationships for 10 plus years that had unhealthy dynamics. And she finally broke her patterns through body-based work.
This episode might very well give you the tools that you need to change your entire life. Don't miss it. And be sure to stick around to the end of the episode where I'll pull an Oracle card that will offer you a message that you can use this week to stay more conscious in your healing.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: majo, thank you and welcome to the podcast.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Hi, Bri. Thank you so much for having me.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: We have connected on this understanding that we need to be healing through the body and not just through the mind. And I wanna talk about how important this is for the listener because. So often when we're in these relationships that are feeling confusing or we're just out of the relationship, that feels really confusing. We're trying to like mental our way through it. We're trying to make sense of what happened. We're trying to understand [00:03:00] what narcissism is or how I lost myself or why I feel crazy, and we're very much in the intellectual piece. oftentimes we're missing the emotional piece. We're missing the somatic
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: and so important to involve that in the conversation.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Oh yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: . So let's talk about why, if the listener has had that thought of. You know, maybe they're starting to listen to these podcasts and have some understanding that maybe their partner's narcissistic their current partner or past partner, and they're starting to ask themselves like, is this, is this a bad relationship? Am I safe in this relationship? Um, should I stay in this relationship? And they're asking themselves these questions and they're feeling like, almost like they're hitting a brick wall every time they ask the question. It's almost like they can't. Be with it or they don't know what to do with how to answer that,
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah,
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: tell us why those questions can be really challenging, especially if you're in that [00:04:00] heightened, know, sympathetic state.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Such These questions like, they're very big questions. You know, am I safe? Is this relationship. Good and right for me, they are really mental questions. I mean, there are things that you are analyzing with your mind and really safety is something that, it's not a thought, it's not an idea that lives in your mind, something that lives in your body and like your nervous system.
So you're trying to decipher in a very like, mind based way, something that you. That just lives emotionally, physiologically in you and like that's the block. You know, you just can't go mentally into that territory
it's 'cause your brain doesn't know. Your brain doesn't have that information, so it's like super normal to feel that blockage that you're saying.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: you want to find the answer, right? You're, you're not asking yourself the question because you, for no reason, I guess is a better way to say
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: So, so [00:05:00] we're like. Is this relationship something that I wanna stay in? And we try to make the pro and con list, we try to, you know, like muscle our way through the decision. And I know for me, in that experience, I kept justifying away why I shouldn't be asking that question or why I shouldn't, shouldn't be feeling something was off.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Mm-hmm.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: How do we start to access the understanding around what we're feeling because. On some level, we know there's something there to listen to, but I think there's a, something that gets in the way of being able to understand how to tune into the, the intuition, if we're using that name for the, the gut feeling there.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah. Oh, I love that. 'cause I've been there many times and I know my clients have as well. And this is really confusing when you have no idea what somatic is or like what does that even mean, you know?
So I [00:06:00] like to think of it like. Try to really find little moments in your day in your life where you can just access your body, your felt sensations, um, your feelings just. Sit with whatever's going on inside of you. And that can be really simple. You know, actually one of my favorite ways to just feel grounded, and this is something that works and it's incredibly simple.
It's just like light a candle and just like stare into the flame for one minute and you get like that exhale and like that grounding and uh. You can also just like put a hand on your chest and your belly like really firmly and like rock back and forth and you know this like you were rock a child, just like this.
Tiny moments allow you to enter your body and your felt senses, and that is what you, that contains the information that later on we call intuition. It just, you cannot access [00:07:00] it if you're triggered, activated.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: It's almost like we think of accessing your intuition as like grad school level of being able to do something, we have to start in kindergarten, right? We have to start with. The basics of just maybe even feeling your breath,
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: like recognizing what it feels like to stare into the candle. And the term , is just a fancy word for body, what is your body doing in this moment? What is your body feeling in this moment? So I love in both of those examples of staring into the candle or putting the hand on your chest is it's inviting you to slow down. Enough and like bring your attention one place, whether that's a hand on your chest or the the candle or the flame, because whether you're in the relationship or just outside of the relationship, tend to stay really busy.
We tend to like stir ourselves [00:08:00] in chaos or find ourselves in really chaotic situations where there's not a lot of time to sit down and be still and to feel what we're feeling in our body. if you're listening and you're just Okay, majo, thank you and welcome to the podcast.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Hi, Bri. Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: I, yes. I love this conversation that we're about to have even though we haven't even had it yet. Um, we have connected on this understanding that we need to be healing through the body and not just through the mind. And I wanna talk about how important this is for the listener because. So often when we're in these relationships that are feeling confusing or we're just out of the relationship, that feels really confusing. We're trying to like mental our way through it. We're trying to make sense of what happened. We're trying to understand what narcissism is or how I [00:09:00] lost myself or why I feel crazy, and we're very much in the intellectual piece. oftentimes we're missing the emotional piece. We're missing the somatic
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: and so important to involve that in the conversation.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Oh yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing your expertise with
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Oh. So happy to be here. Thank you for having me.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: Yeah. So let's talk about why, if the listener has had that thought of. You know, maybe they're starting to listen to these podcasts and have some understanding that maybe their partner's narcissistic their current partner or past partner, and they're starting to ask themselves like, is this, is this a bad relationship? Am I safe in this relationship? Um, should I stay in this relationship? And they're asking themselves these questions and they're feeling like, almost like they're hitting a brick wall every time they ask the question. It's almost like they can't. Be with it or they don't know what to do with how to answer that,
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: [00:10:00] Yeah,
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: tell us why those questions can be really challenging, especially if you're in that heightened, know, sympathetic state.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Such a good question. Um, and the things that these questions like, they're very big questions. You know, am I safe? Is this relationship. Good and right for me, they are really mental questions. I mean, there are things that you are analyzing with your mind and really safety is something that, it's not a thought, it's not an idea that lives in your mind, something that lives in your body and like your nervous system.
So you're trying to decipher in a very like, mind based way, something that you. That just lives emotionally, physiologically in you and like that's the block. You know, you just can't go mentally into that territory and it feels really overwhelming because there's this block, right? And it's like, oh, I just, I just [00:11:00] don't know.
It's 'cause your brain doesn't know. Your brain doesn't have that information, so it's like super normal to feel that blockage that you're saying.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: Which is so frustrating, right?
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: you, you want to find the answer, right? You're, you're not asking yourself the question because you, for no reason, I guess is a better way to say
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: So, so we're like. Is this relationship something that I wanna stay in? And we try to make the pro and con list, we try to, you know, like muscle our way through the decision. And I know for me, in that experience, I kept justifying away why I shouldn't be asking that question or why I shouldn't, shouldn't be feeling something was off.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Mm-hmm.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: How do we start to access the understanding around what we're feeling because. On some level, we know there's something there to listen to, but I think there's a, something that gets in the way [00:12:00] of being able to understand how to tune into the, the intuition, if we're using that name for like the, the gut feeling there.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah. Oh, I love that. 'cause I've been there many times and I know my clients have as well. And, uh, yeah, I think what's really, really the gist of it here is like, um. To find like these micro moments where you can actually be in yourself, like really feel into yourself. And this is really confusing when you have no idea what somatic is or like what does that even mean, you know?
So I like to think of it like. Try to really find little moments in your day in your life where you can just access your body, your felt sensations, um, your feelings just. Sit with whatever's going on inside of you. And that can be really simple. You know, actually one of my favorite ways to just feel [00:13:00] grounded, and this is something that works and it's incredibly simple.
It's just like light a candle and just like stare into the flame for one minute and it really just, you get like that exhale and like that grounding and uh. You can also just like put a hand on your chest and your belly like really firmly and like rock back and forth and you know this like you were rock a child, just like this.
Tiny moments allow you to enter your body and your felt senses, and that is what you, that contains the information that later on we call intuition. It just, you cannot access it if you're triggered, activated.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: Mm-hmm. It's almost like we think of accessing your intuition as like grad school level of being able to do something, we have to start in kindergarten, right? We have to start with. The basics of just maybe even feeling your breath,
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: like [00:14:00] recognizing what it feels like to stare into the candle. And the term right, is just a fancy word for body, is your body. What is your body doing in this moment? What is your body feeling in this moment? So I love in both of those examples of staring into the candle or putting the hand on your chest is it's inviting you to slow down. Enough and like bring your attention one place, whether that's a hand on your chest or the the candle or the flame, because whether you're in the relationship or just outside of the relationship, tend to stay really busy.
We tend to like stir ourselves in chaos or find ourselves in really chaotic situations where there's not a lot of time to sit down and be still and to feel what we're feeling in our body. if you're listening and you're just like, sounds terrifying to sit down and be with myself, [00:15:00] I wanna just validate that because if you're used to going a thousand miles an hour, it's gonna feel really foreign to you to slow all the way down.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Exactly. And I love how you simplify that. Like, you know, somatic only means like body-based, um, 'cause you really need to go like back to basics with this. And I, I think that's also why I like a lot that light, like the, like the candle example. 'cause it's not even, you know, it's something external.
Ground my attention on something that allows me to go within. So you have that first taste of what that even feels like, what that looks like and what you're looking for. And yeah, with time you can like build in these moments of, of self connection. I.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: so we know that being with ourselves is important. We know that stillness is important, right? We're fed a lot of this through, through media, through social media, right? It's like. need to do the breathing. We need to do the yoga. We need to do the exercise. We need to do the self-care.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: Why do you, why do you [00:16:00] think it's so hard for us to down and look at the candle? Why? What do you think is like the barrier that we come against? I.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah. I think it's really, I. It's like we don't see the value in it. Almost like, because we're so conditioned to be mental in the first place. Like we really value everything that has to do with the mind, and that's why we, we really value everything that's like fast and rush and like, get things done, productivity.
It's like, why would I stare to, into a flame? You know? Like, what, what does that even do? And I feel it's because we really don't have this. Yeah. This sense of this is important for my world being in a very, very primal, visceral way, like almost ancestral way. You know, it's just like there's no almost no space for that in modernity where, where it's all about do the the next thing and do it fast and do it [00:17:00] good.
So it's very a mental state of being
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: it can be really confusing to like try to see the, the ROI, if you will, like the
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah, exactly.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: the investment. It's like, well, I know that if I just continue to focus on my partner on fixing him, that feels more like tangible, more. It's like something I'm in control of.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: Versus let me turn to myself and find some stillness inside so that I can find control over me so I can find understanding about what I'm feeling. We're programmed to be externally. Focused, and especially in these relationships that are manipulative, we have been taught that we need to be externally focused for not just survival, but because we don't understand what we're feeling anymore. We've given, we've given that answer to someone else of feelings of okayness are dependent on [00:18:00] you.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: So if you are in a good, if you're in a good space, that means I'm in a good space. If you're upset, that means I need to hurry up and figure out what I did wrong and how
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: it, or I need to find safety. I need to to be hypervigilant because gonna start yelling at me and I'm gonna need to, to protect myself. And so that external focus becomes what we believe is the way we should just live our life. I think in a
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: A lot of ways, or at least that was in my experience, in my, my past toxic relationship.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Oh, that totally resonates to me. I think not, not only like in my emotional abusive relationships, but in general, you know, that's, that was how I used to do relationships, like very externally focused and outsource, you know, the sense of safety and we outsource everything that we're.
We're meant to find. And like that you can only genuinely find within yourself. Like we outsource that with the other person. And, um, and of course that that's a really on grounding. I mean, [00:19:00] you really need to go back to that, to that felt sense within yourself before co-creating it with someone else.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: Yeah. Yeah. Before we started recording, we talked a little bit about this, this term that you had coined, the soft safety, which I love like just saying it sounds like soothing, um, and how important it is for you to be able to just acknowledge sensations in your body before again, you try to go to the grad school place
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: of being with yourself. So talk us through how did you come to this understanding around soft safety and, and just a little bit more about what that means.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah, of course. I really love the grad school analogy. That's totally how I felt myself. Like after, you know, when I was rebuilding my sense of self to begin with and like my life after this last relationship. And that's also what I've seen in, in women I work with. We. [00:20:00] Because we think like, okay, I'm out of it now so I should be rebuilding my life and like building this, uh, this confidence and self love and like just trying to gather already again.
'cause we are kind of like rushed in processes in general. But the thing is, when you are in that state, it's, it's really difficult to like jump immediately to this, uh. To the kind of what I call like a bold, big safety that that allows you to be like big and bold in the world and like all confident.
That's amazing and you will get there with time. But what you need in that moment is really like a baseline where you're just telling your buddy, I. It's safe enough. To just feel, you know, 'cause you probably have been so numb and like dissociated and frozen because of the emotional abuse that you're just in this state of like survival, that you're not feeling anything at all.
[00:21:00] So really just allowing the space for those sensations and those, those feelings to be there. That's what I call like finding the soft safety.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: Yeah. wanna pause and like really emphasize that for the listener because we can't. Make understanding of what we're feeling if we're, if immediate threat is coming at us, right? If our survival is threatened and survival doesn't have to mean your physical safety, we can sense, can sense danger mentally, emotionally, financially, sexually, spiritually.
Like there's so many ways that we can feel not, um, or so many ways that we can feel in danger, I guess.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: So. Getting yourself out of the, the place of needing to be hypervigilant. 'cause that's a very necessary thing when you are the midst of somebody who is trying to harm
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: And I want, I don't want that to, to come across as that's something that listeners are doing wrong, because that is [00:22:00] how you're surviving in these relationships, and that's an adaptive strategy to keep you emotionally or physically safe. So there's nothing wrong there, but your, your point is when you're out of that situation or out of that immediate threat, that's when we get to, to like lower our, our guard and say, okay, how do I, how do I feel in my body now? Now there's more access in my brain to even to find that information, right
when we're in
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: our amygdala, our amygdala is just firing and we have no. Rational thought or emotional thought.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Exactly.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: how do we survive?
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: So recognizing that your brain is working against you when you're in, not against you, but against you feeling your body when you're in those immediate threat
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: And when you're out of that, then it's this opportunity to like be into this vessel that we're in. And the message is [00:23:00] that this vessel is sending us about how we're feeling feelings come through somatic sensations, right? That's how our body communicates to us.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah, exactly. Through like sensations, feelings, images, it's never through. Words as we know. I mean, it can be words, but like random words, you know, it's not like this perfectly articulate sentence, like, what we usually expect when we think of intuition.
I like the analogy of like your nervous system. Really just like your, your belly needs, um, time to digest food. Your nervous system needs time to digest emotional experiences, and this is really what you need to allow yourself, you know, this space and time and slowness to get there because you will get there.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: And one of the reasons that we both hold space for clients, right? I'm, I'm totally making an assumption here about your work, but one of the reasons I know for me [00:24:00] that I hold these safe containers is so that you can feel what it feels like to find safety in yourself or feel the, again, that nervous system decompression. Because if you've been in these relationships for years, you are living on such a heightened level of nervous system activation, and no wonder you're feeling anxious and, and hypervigilant and overwhelmed and scared, and all of these feelings that. Are not bad in, in and of themselves, but when they are perpetuated, they really can do damage to the body.
'cause we're living in that sympathetic nervous system. So to be able to find somebody to help you process through the experience with this person that you were
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: that makes you feel safe is so valuable,
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Couldn't agree more.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: valuable. I,
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: I encourage listeners or women that I talk to when I do my free sessions with them, I'm [00:25:00] like, if you don't immediately feel safe with me, then that's something to pay attention to.
Right? Like you, if you, when you're choosing a provider to hold space, you have to have that like ugh,
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: That Excel? Yes, totally. Couldn't agree more with your breeds. Like, you know, the limbic resonance, I mean, which just means the connection, the Oh, I feel seen, I feel heard. This is what actually helped me heal in the first place. I wouldn't be here if it were not for me jumping into that somatic, um, certification, the two of them.
'cause like that, that's where I got this spaces with my, my trainers and my, you know, now colleagues to like, oh, it's okay for me to, to come as my full self and to feel and to emote and to cry and to just be held.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: Yes,
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: So incredibly healing and powerful.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: And, and to be in the space with somebody who is not telling you that your [00:26:00] feelings are wrong.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: it's also because being gaslit is such an insidious form of abuse when you're constantly told that what you're feeling is wrong or that you're being dramatic or that. You know, if you weren't bringing all the problems to the table, there would be no problems.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: start to distance ourselves further and further and further from our feelings because they're causing problems in the
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: we're being told that they're causing problems in the relationship.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: feel like the problem. Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: Yeah, and so of course you are, you are discounting what you're feeling, or you're second guessing what you're feeling because you've been told over and over again that you can't trust.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah. Mm-hmm.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: So go back to your, like the original question people, if they're, if they're like, should I stay in this relationship? And that's feeling super confronting and they're not trusting this voice, that somewhere in them is like, you should leave. This is [00:27:00] feeling really anxious, or you're feeling really anxious.
This is feeling unsafe. There's that voice somewhere. What, what do they do in order to find that, that soft safety in, instead of asking themselves that big question? What could be like the, steps to get to the decision, let's say, to leave a relationship?
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah. Uh, I, I, I so get that. I mean, because, you know, I've been there myself many times or like more than I would have liked to, and like if I could talk back to my past self, I would pretty much just say like, you know, you really need to, I guess it's on the one hand, the cognitive understanding on how of how safety works.
And on the other hand, it's the okay allowing myself to just be with my body for as long as I can, like more. Incrementally, let's say. So it's just understanding that safety is not something that you [00:28:00] find. It's really something that you build, and it's really built in like layers. So it's totally okay if at first it feels like really daunting.
Like, like you were saying, it's just like start, start with a candle, start with uh, just noticing your breath. Start with this, this, this micro moments, and then you put in a brick over another and you layer. And you layer until you actually feel this more in yourself. Like, oh, okay, I, I know what this feels like.
I know. in the allowing, you start trusting yourself more. I. That your information is valid, that you have information in the first place. So I think it's really switching, not switching, but like replacing these big questions of am I safe in this relationship? Should I live or should I go with really basic ones like you were saying, go back to basics.
Just like what am I noticing right now in my body? .
And like not trying to make sense of it with your mind going to the story, but [00:29:00] just like really staying with what you're noticing and allowing it to be there.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: I love that because one of the biggest objections or, or like immediate. Thoughts maybe that happen when we say be, can you be in your body or what are you feeling? It's, I don't feel anything.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: I don't feel anything in my body. Head and body are separated I had a mentor once say, she's like, you are always feeling something, even if it's that you have to pee. Right? It's like
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: That counts because it is. It is direct feedback from your body about a need that you have. And because we've been, you know, going to the bathroom and been potty trained since we were two or three or whatever age, I think we discount that as like a valid form of communication from our body. But if you sit and you think about it and you're like, okay, I can feel right now is my body telling me that I need to pee via this, this sensation in my bladder, that's. Powerful. And, [00:30:00] and that to me, I wish I had known that when I was going through my healing process, but I, I help women in that lane now.
And to me that's so powerful because it's, it builds the trust that you can trust that your body is communicating. It's just, there's like a dialogue disconnect. Like you just have to like. to the language that your body is, is talking.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah. I, I love everything you're just saying. Being like, yeah, learn to speak its language. And I really love the example you gave. 'cause for me, like it is, it's been one of the things that I was actually just writing about this, you know, just literally going. To the bathroom when I need to pee.
'cause I used to like hold it, you know, like if I'm working or something, I'm just like, uh, I'll go later. You know, like when it's more convenient or whatever. And something as simple as just, okay, I need to pee now, so I'm gonna pee now. It's literally just telling your buddy, you [00:31:00] matter. I'm listening and like, I will attend to you right now.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: Mm-hmm.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: sounds so small, just going to pee. But it's huge in the context. Regaining this connection with yourself.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: Yes. Yeah, because if you, you have been conditioned to put your needs last. That's going to show up in all ways, right? Whether it's you not taking the time out to go see your friends, or you not taking the time out to get the massaged,
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Exactly.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: not taking the time out to go pee during your day. Like it's, it's all the
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: so the little, the little changes that you can start to make, like, oh, I'm feeling a little bit of hunger. I'm gonna go grab a snack
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: my next session or my next meeting, or I'm gonna go pee because my bladder is full. Those are, um. You giving yourself the, there's a word I'm looking for that's not coming right now. The experience of, putting yourself first and what that feels
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Mm-hmm.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: And so [00:32:00] to your point about building the layers, more that you can put yourself first in these little ways, the more that then you can sit down and say, how am I putting myself first in this relationship? Am I putting myself first?
Is it safe to put myself first in
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: and start to address those bigger questions? receptive to the bigger answers because you've built that, that safety yourself.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Oh, so, so much agree with you.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: Anything that you can think of that would be like a helpful. Thing to remember or piece of wisdom for the woman listening based on your experience. I love how you said like if I were to tell my past self this, because you and I are both women who have moved out of these toxic relationships and have found healing in our nervous systems, so what would you tell the listener or your past self in terms of staying on the journey or finding the journey?
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah, I love that question. I think [00:33:00] really it's about, um. Cultivating, like, yeah, first you can understand it like on a cognitive basis on your mind, but really just like, as much as you can like really hone into the feeling of, I really got this, you know, maybe not right now, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in a month, but like within me leaves all this wisdom, all this, all this, everything, all the answers I'm looking for.
Like everything I do have it within me. 'cause I. I know for me the experience was like, it's so debilitating. You know? And then so like, disempowering to be in that situation and to not know what to do and even afterwards just question everything and yourself. So it's like be really kind to yourself and just instead of having this self shaming, um, thoughts of like, how can I change this right now?
Be. Talk to yourself in a way that's like, oh, that just makes so much sense that you would [00:34:00] feel that way. You know, after everything you've been through the past months, years, whatever it is, like it just makes so much sense that you would respond that away or that you would be so triggered right now and like just literally talk to your nervous system as if it were to.
A little girl, because ultimately that's, that's what you're doing. You need to like really be super kind to yourself as if a small child was talking to you and like needing support and, and help.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: it's amazing how capable we are in these relationships, right? Like how, how much goes into surviving these relationships and engaging and trying to change and trying to. run around and move the seat so that everybody's comfortable. Like, we're putting so much
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: relationships. And so I love what you just said and reminding, reminding listeners that can do this.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: This is just a different [00:35:00] thing to put your energy towards
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: when you're out of the, the relationship. You, you can, you have a lot more of that. The capacity to, to tend to yourself. But I don't wanna, I don't want the listeners to forget how capable they are,
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: because you have gotten through, you've likely been through hell and back in this relationship, you're still when you're in it or you've left it. so. Like seeing yourself as resilient, seeing yourself as strong and capable, even though you might have been really picked apart and beaten down in this, in this situation that you were in, you're, you are strong as hell
And so to take that confidence into this new thing that you're learning, because learning to be with your body again, reconnecting that, that understanding that language is just. Another thing that we're learning,
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: something that like you aren't already wired to do, it's just learning how to turn it [00:36:00] on, almost like
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: it, get it rolling again. but it's in there and you, you have the strength to be able to figure this out too.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Absolutely. Yeah. It's like nobody taught us this. I mean, in general, nobody knows this. So, and, and much less when you are like in a, after a toxic situation, you know it like even less. So really have the patience and the love and the understanding that you do know, like you know it in your cells. What, what's the best next step for you?
You just really need the time, the space to let your body get there. It will, it will guide you, for sure.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: So good
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: to, to end these. I like to pull Oracle cards
um, and I'd love your help doing that if you're
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Of course. Yeah.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: Okay. So go ahead and close your eyes, you and I are just going to tune into the energy of listening the deck, [00:37:00] asking what the message is that they need to hear. And whenever you feel like the shuffle's complete, you let me know when to stop.
Okay, we got silt. It is a picture of a heart with silt on it or like, you know, a fine, fine. Dust. Find dirt. So let me find the message in the book and I'll read it
.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: Silt is the mark of the soul's deep remembrance. The fine dust of relationship and experience that infiltrates the cells, coats the heart, the ash of love and pain and tenderness. The silky soft remnants of experiences that have touched, changed, and moved the physical and spiritual body. The fine bits of love that we acquire, the ones that stay digestion, absorption, elimination, silt is left behind. All we take in consciously or unconsciously, calls you to remember what matters, the memories that existed even before you came into this world. Honor your past. you have chosen and what has chosen you. [00:38:00] Silt calls you to accept all parts of your past relationships, the pain, the love, and the lessons. Knowing that you can scrub away what doesn't serve you anymore.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Wow. .
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: Yeah, resonant as always, resonant. Well, majo, where can people find you, where can learn more about your work and what you're up to?
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: Yeah, I, I do talk a a lot about finding safety in yourself and love, uh, on my Instagram, uh, it's at, she's embodied. And also I would be so happy to, um, hold, uh, free, uh, free sessions, free calls for your listeners especially, and they can book that through my website. Uh, she's embodied.com.
bre_1_05-28-2025_094123: Awesome. Beautiful. Thank you for the work that you're doing in this world.
majo--she-her-_1_05-28-2025_174123: you as well, Bri.
Before
We roll outta here for today, I wanna recap what we talked about so you really, really can distill this information and take it with you
so from this episode, you found out what you actually need to do [00:39:00] first, first and foremost, before you can answer the question, is this relationship right for me? you now know why it's so hard to hear and trust your gut when you have been through trauma and stress that has disconnected you from your body's wisdom and you learn some easy ways, some very simple ways to come back to the body,
so that you can tune back into your body's signals. if this episode resonated for you as you're trying to sit with yourself and understanding your intuition and understanding, if you should leave, I think you're really gonna appreciate episode 33, which is linked in the show notes.
It's called Overcoming the Fear of Leaving a Toxic Relationship, rebuilding your self-esteem, and learning to be with your inner child. Take a listen to that episode. A client of mine actually walks through her story of how she did come to this knowing within herself and overcame all of this fear tended to herself and the process and is really thriving on the other side.
If you're in it right now, please remember you are not alone. I'm here and I'll see you in the [00:40:00] next episode.