Welcome back to Become a Calm Mama. I'm your host.

I'm Darlyn Childress, and I'm a parent coach, a parent

educator. You can think of it that way as well. And I'm also a life

coach, trained life coach. And today, I am gonna

piggyback on last week's episode where I talked about the parenting

101, the basics of parenting. And, essentially,

I described sort of these core needs that

we have as humans in order to thrive. And

so, essentially, as humans, we have the need for

attachment and the need for authenticity. So what that means

is we have this This primal need to feel

attached to our caregiver, especially in early infancy and in

in early childhood. And we also have this

core human need to be

seen and appreciated as the individual that we are and be our

authentic self. And what happens in parenting is

that our children are, you know, so primed

For attachment, because attachment means safety, that they

will, you know, express their authentic self through

their behavior because they're Sure. And they'll show you their feelings through their

behavior. And if they feel like their behavior

is going to risk attachment, They will

shut down their authentic self

and in order to get you to attach to them because

they need You to be connected to them and

committed to them, and otherwise, they'll die. And and so there's this tension

sometimes in parenting where we see a kid's behavior

And we see them acting out, and and it's like, we

don't like their behavior, and we accidentally

Devalue their personhood because we're basing

their personhood on how they're acting instead of looking at,

Okay. They have an authentic emotion. They have an authentic

experience that is true for them, and I can validate

that Without threatening attachment or without

trying to, you know, shame

them or or put them into a fear place In order to change their

behavior. So as a parent, though, it's tricky because

we feel like we should teach them how to behave, which we should. Right? We

want them to Be able to, you know, get along with

friends and us and, like, not scream and kick and hit and punch and all

of those things. And so we're trying to, like, parent their

behavior so that you know, go back to last week's episode. I'm I'm

essentially saying, It's okay to validate an emotion

and say, like, your feeling makes sense. Who you are is 100%

acceptable, And this behavior is just a strategy

that we need to work on and separating the person from the

behavior, separating the child from their, You know, the way they're

acting, that is just such a huge

uh-huh, hopefully, for you. Like, if you can really grow in that,

Sometimes we say, you know, you you know, you're a

liar versus you're lying. Right? You're a liar

is saying, like, who you are at your core Is bad.

And instead of looking and judging the behavior and making it personal,

that would squash authenticity. We're saying, oh, no. No. No. You're a

regular great person, and right now, you're currently lying. And we need to work on

that strategy and figure out why you're lying and what need you're trying to meet.

And in that process, we're not,

threatening our attachment.

K. So I'm not gonna belabor that anymore because I was in last week's episode.

But I wanted to remind us about it because today, I'm

going to talk about How this shows up

the how the behavior shows up and give you some

insight into what's going on when your kid is misbehaving.

Because they're like, I always say, you know, feelings drive

behavior, and behavior is a form of communication. So I say that

all the time. And the reason why I say that is because I want you

to learn to look at your child's behavior as, like, a data point,

as information. Really seeing okay.

This kid is, you know, complaining all the time. This kid is

refusing to clean up their room. This kid is always hitting their sibling.

This kid, Deborah does their homework. This kid lies to me about doing

their homework. This kid asks for Chicken

nuggets. And then I give him chicken nuggets, and then he's immediately like, I don't

want chicken nuggets. And you're going insane. Right? And you're like, how do

I deal with this behavior? So One of the big,

you know, frameworks that we're working under is understanding that that

behavior is an expression

Of your child's emotions, that there's a

feeling underneath. And if we can soothe

and validate that emotion, Then work on the strategy.

So today, I wanna talk a little bit more about what it

means to Validate an emotion

and talk a little bit deeper into where

behavior is coming from. Okay. I don't

wanna get too in the weeds on it, but I am going to talk about

five Emotional needs that we have,

all of us have at all times. These are real

broad categories. They are all start with the letter a, so

maybe that helps you. And thinking about

the The core drives. And so when a

child has a need, an emotional need, and they

don't it's not being met. I don't want you to judge

yourself. You don't have to meet every emotional need. But for whatever reason, if the

child is feeling their emotional need isn't being met,

Then they're going to have emotions about that. They're gonna

feel afraid. They're gonna feel worried. They're gonna feel sad.

They're gonna have feelings, and then we're gonna show those feelings in their behavior.

So if you can address the core

emotional need And you can articulate that. You

can kind of narrate that for your child. They

will begin to understand themselves more

And maybe communicate what they actually need.

That's the goal. When we talk about emotional literacy,

we say That a person who is emotionally literate

is a person who knows what they're feeling,

knows how to talk about that feeling, like how to express it, And

it knows what to do with it. And it

happens in that fashion. 1st, you have to name it.

You have to know what it's called, and then you have to know how to

talk about it, and then you have to know what to do with it. So

as a parent, we're working at, addressing those emotional

needs. If you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you know,

you know, we talk about this in the connection portion when I teach connection all

about Naming the feeling. And I I've

heard from many of you that you'll say, okay. Well, I'm like, oh, you're sad.

And they're like, yes. And then you're like, I don't know what to do about

that. And, like, we're gonna talk about how to solve that.

But sadness is like the

expression of an unmet At need. So let me explain what this means.

So you have these 5 emotional needs. You have the need for

attachment, The need for acceptance,

the need for affection, the need for

appreciation, And the need for autonomy.

So I'll go through this again if while you're listening. We all have this need

to feel attached. Right? Talked about that last week. It's at our

core. When we don't feel attached.

Other words for attachment Could be belonging,

connection, or attention. When we

feel someone is paying attention to us, looking at us in their In

their eyes and and being present with us, we feel

attached to them. We feel connected to them.

So that's our core need. It's our core

emotional need is to have this feeling of attachment.

And when that feels like it's not being met,

Our feeling then is feeling unsafe,

feeling insecure, feeling worried,

feeling anxious, Feeling scared. Feeling

hurt. So we're gonna label those feelings, and I want

you to start to think about, As you look at your children's behavior,

thinking about what is the unmet emotional need

here? What is going on Under

the surface, where is this anxiety coming from?

Is this a need for attachment? Okay?

The second one, acceptance. This is that piece about

authenticity that, you know, really broke down last week.

They a child wants you to

delight in them exactly as they are. They don't wanna believe that they

have to earn your love Or earn your,

your your care. They wanna feel like

they you you they're just great at their core That

there's nothing wrong with them. And if they start to

sense that they aren't being accepted for their authentic self,

Then they might feel rejected or unwanted,

and they might not know what to do with that feeling, A feeling of being

abandoned possibly or neglected. So they

might be feeling neglected, and that's because their

perception of the situation is that they aren't

being fully accepted and loved as they are. So this is all

going on inside your kid. So I sometimes think I call

this therapeutic parenting because you're kind of, like, learning how the

brain works and how psychology works, And you're that's because I want you

to become your child's emotional coach. That's what we're that's what we're

doing. I'm your coach. I'm your emotional coach. I'm your

child's emotional coach. I'm coaching you through I'm coaching your child through you.

I'm giving you the tools To to do this process, to

actually be present and be aware. So we have

that need for attachment. We have that need for acceptance. Then we

have the need for affection, and this is

all through our lives. We need to be touched. We need to be,

kind of held. Our body has needs, and so

our children, they may need affection. And you can see this when you have a

child who's, like, really on top of you. Lincoln,

he was insecurely attached, in the beginning of his

life with me, and I I always felt like I'd say, like it

felt like he wanted to climb back, like, in me or climb in me. You

know? Like, if he could get into my skin, he would. He just wanted to

be so close. That was his need for

that affection, and it really symbolized for him

connection. It was an it was an actual Physical

manifestation of our attachment. And when we were

separated, it was hard for him because he The attachment

felt afraid. He felt afraid. So he needed that affection because then that felt

the affection feels soothing. So if he wasn't getting

it, If that need wasn't being met or he perceived it as

not being met, then it would show up with feelings of

loneliness, feelings of fear, Feeling of sadness,

and then he would act those feelings out. Okay. So

we've done 3. We've done attachment. In acceptance, we've done

affection. 4th one, appreciation. This is a

funny one because As as a human

species, like, I think all animals I'm not positive, but, like, I think all animals

have, like, work to do in the world. Right? They have, like,

a job. And, like, not just, like, mammals, but, like, everybody.

Everyone has a job. We're all, like, here to do something. We all have a

purpose. And that's Part of the, like, primal

need that we all have is to have our life

matter and to feel like we're important and we bring

meaning To the world, even little kids, they wanna be

appreciated. They want to, you know, be seen. They wanna feel like they

have meaning, that they have that they matter. And

so our child, if they're feeling unseen, if they're

feeling unappreciated, if if they're feeling like they don't matter,

Their feelings might be feeling unworthy,

might feeling, disapproval. They might be feeling that you don't like

them. Right? So they might be feeling unlovable.

They might be feeling despised, you know, or just

underappreciated. So when you start to see some behaviors, this

is what I want you to do. I want you to be like, okay. Here's

this behavior, and here's the feeling. Like, what? Go

deeper. One level deeper. Like, what's going on here? Are they trying to

get like, what need are they trying to get met?

What need are they trying to get met?

Alright. Last 1, autonomy. This is

So obvious as soon as your kid turns 2, they learn the

word no, and they are off to the races with trying to

find Agency and autonomy in their life. They want

power. Now this isn't a bad

thing. This is actually vital for

our kids and all of us to go out in the

world and do things. Like, we have to believe That we

have, you know, power over our lives and that our lives matter and

that we, you know, are safe. And so we want to

have agency. You can think of as agency or autonomy.

And when we don't have that now this is especially

true once you get teenagers because They

actually developmentally need to practice

having autonomy and having agency In order to

go out in the world and launch without you there,

they've gotta have some some belief inside of them that they can

have power over their Lives and that they can be trusted with that power.

So this very primal need is

autonomy. And so and you don't when you when you perceive

that need not being met, you are going to feel powerless.

You're gonna feel stuck. You're gonna feel trapped. You're gonna feel

scared. It's gonna show up. It's gonna show up in your

behavior. So what behaviors am I talking about? What What

behaviors are you seeing? You know you're a parent. Right? You know what behaviors

are. Some of the behaviors you might be seeing is just like negotiating

and arguing. Right? Persistent questioning,

making promises for the future, blaming you for their mistake,

going really slowly, Using their body,

hitting, kicking, spitting, punching, you know, complaining, complaining,

complaining, rage, Pouting, intense crying,

separating from you, running away, hiding, lying, not doing what you want

them to do, bothering their siblings. Right. So when you start

to see these behaviors, you can go like, oh, okay. I

wonder if they're not feeling accepted right now. I wonder if they're feeling

like like I'm mad at them and that, you know, I'm

I'm I'm like, they're feeling disconnected.

So when you're seeing these behaviors, I want you to start thinking, like, what is

driving this behavior? Is this a need for autonomy? Is this a need for

appreciation? Is this a need for affection? Is this a need

for acceptance? Or is this a need for attachment or connection?

And You can see it, like, you know, when they have sibling problems. You're

like, oh, they must not be seeing feeling seen. They must not be feeling

appreciated. I must not be feeling heard or accepted.

So what what do you do when you are

seeing these behaviors? How do you actually handle it? How do you,

you know, talk about it with your kid? So what does a

person need when they feel that their needs are not being

met? I want them to be met. Right? But

you cannot meet every emotional need at all times. Like, I remember learning

this. That's why I I haven't really taught this concept very

much because I think it can feel really like, I can't do

that. Like, I can't meet every single Social need. I have 3 kids.

I work. I have a marriage. I have, you know, ailing

parents. Like, I have stuff going on in my own mental health issues.

I've My health you know, I've gotta manage this house. I get it.

And I felt the same way. But what I've found is that when

I Pay attention

to the emotional need and and being curious about what

may or may not be being met here. I don't

have to solve the problem. It's just attuning into

it. Like, attunement is this being,

You know, aware of the child's emotional state

and joining in it with them for a bit. You

don't have to Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it.

Your job isn't to meet every emotional need. It's almost to rec help

your child recognize they have those needs, and they can get those

needs met in a variety of ways.

It doesn't have to be the way that they think it needs to be met.

It can be you know, you want mommies to pay attention. You

want mommy to look at your face and, like, play with you right now, but

I am cooking dinner. So, of course, you want me you know, you're

feeling, you know, you know, you're

feeling you don't wanna say you wouldn't you wouldn't say, like, you're feeling unattached. You

wouldn't say that to them, but you'd be like, you're feeling sad that I'm busy.

And you say, so you can either join me here because I wanna be with

you, and we're safe, and we're together, Or you can go play, and

you can come check on me in a few minutes. I'm not going anywhere.

So we're like a suit we're soothing the need,

But the way that we're communicating, we're saying to our kids,

I it's okay. Yeah. You can you feel you feel a little bit sad. That's

alright. And in your mind, you're like you know? Or, like, you're feeling you you

feel like mommy's always bossing you. Yeah. I told you no,

and then I told you no again, and I told you no again, and now

you have no power. And you just you just really want some power in your

life, don't you? You know? Like, yeah.

Okay. What you here's what you have power over, and you can set a limit.

You'd be like, you're welcome to, like, go in your stuff you know, play with

your stuffed animals and, like, make a big tower and knock it down. Like, got

pretty powerful. Right? Or

an older kid, like a 9 year old, you're like, listen. This is

happening. You're turning off your VR machine. Like, that feels

terrible, but you have power over how it how you handle it. You have power

over the timing. So you can do it now and move

on, or you can do it in a little bit. And if you cause a

problem in the meantime, you know, you can fix it. But

you you have power over how you handle it.

It's not like you're like, Oh, you have you're feeling powerless? Okay. Just do whatever

you want. Right? Oh, I I you know? Oh, you're feeling sad and

scared when you're, You know, mommy's busy. Okay. I'll just stop what I'm doing and

go play with you. That that's not a way to live a life. It's

impossible. You can't constantly Attune

meet every single emotional need in the way the child wants

it, but you can be creative about how they get that need met.

So the first step for you is

acknowledging attuning tuning in to

the child's emotional state. And, really, the invitation

to you is just getting a little more curious. Like, what is happening here?

And I'm sure you asked that Like, what the hell is going on here? Like,

this is insane. Why are they freaking out about I just asked them to, like,

go grab a diaper for the baby. And, like, now they're, like,

Completely melting down. What in the world?

When you feel that way, I want you to go, what is the need here?

Is it attention, affection, Appreciation, you know,

acceptance or autonomy. And then try to give them a little way

to get that. So what the child is seeking,

they're not actually seeking a they

want the they want the need met, And they have an idea of how they

could get it met, but, ultimately, they, you know, you're the grown up and that

you're in charge of them and that you meet their needs, and they can trust

that, and so they want you to respond. They want

you to be emotionally reliable and somebody

that they feel safe with, That they can communicate their

need and that they can trust that somehow you're gonna figure it

out with them and that you're gonna problem solve,

and you're gonna be present with them while they struggle

towards getting that need met. Safety.

The deep core thing that our children need is

that attachment. Right? That deep feeling Of the grown ups

around me have got my back. I can trust the

people in my life. They're gonna take care of me. I don't have

to worry about my needs getting met. When a

child feels that deep sense of safety, Then they

can take risks, and they can problem solve, and they can be creative, and they

can play, and they can feel good. Right? That's what we want. So

How do they get that? They get that safety, that attachment

from having a warm, attuned interaction

with you. So it's it's warm. It's not cold.

It's attuned. You're actually paying attention to their needs,

and you're interacting. It's a conversation. So you don't

have to go through a bunch of hoops to

satisfy these needs. Acknowledging the

unmet need is often enough to shift the child into a place

of attunement. So attunement is, like,

Connected, tuned in to their

emotions, that itself is very healing. It's a form

of coregulation. If you go back to the episode on the

3 r's of regulation of how we calm Mars' nervous systems,

it's movement, rhythm, It's relationship and it's

reward. So the relationship piece is really, really powerful. This is

part of coregulation. So when

when we do that, when we meet these, when we recognize the

need and we offer some solutions and we kind of tune in,

The child feels seen. The child feels safe.

The child feels soothed, and then they feel secure. And

security It's the catalyst that helps your child

propel into better behaviors.

So what we really always wanna do is, like, we wanna keep

authenticity, and we wanna keep attachment. Sorry. We wanna

keep attachment Really strong so that our child feels safe to be

themselves. And then they can trust themselves, and they can go

and, you know, take care of themselves.

When a person feels securely attached and they

have this ability to, be themselves

And express their feelings and and get their needs met.

They are actually less anxious.

They are less irritable. There's less depression.

There's less fatigue. There's less behavior

problems because your children feel Good. Right?

When they kind of can trust, like, I have this, you know, feeling of

sadness and it goes away, and, like, I know how to take care of myself.

I know my I can trust my parent. They can help me with these feelings.

And you keep doing that over and over and over. You lay this foundation

that They can express their feelings and that

they're safe and that they can get help.

And When you do this over and over for in life, that

your children ultimately become way more content content.

They Enjoy themselves more. They grow up, and they

believe that they have, like, power over their lives and that they can,

you know, Chain you know, improve themselves, and they can take risks.

And they don't have to be anxious, and they don't have to be fretting, and

they don't have to be people pleasing. They don't have to have all these maladaptive

behavior strategies to cope, that they can just be like, oh, what do

I need? Okay. I know how to get that need met. I can be

creative. I can be problem solving. I can figure this

out. I have agency over my life. I can trust

the attachments in my life. I can I'm

I I my I matter. Right? So it's like, I have

power. That's autonomy. I

matter. That's appreciation.

I'm lovable. That's affection. It's

I'm lovable is also acceptance. And attachment,

I'm safe. These are the core thoughts

we want our kids to grow up with. And so when we

sense that they have an unmet emotional need,

being creative about how to offer

some Perspective for them

that, like, the feeling you have right now is because

you're feeling powerless, but you always have power.

You always have choice in your life. The feeling that you

have right now is because you're kind of feeling, You know,

unwanted, but that's not true. You're always wanted.

You're always appreciated. You know,

the feeling you have right now is because you're feeling lonely, but I

want you to know that we're always connected even if we're not

together. So we're

really soothing our children at that core

level by giving them Sometimes I think of this as

kind external parent talk. It's like the the

sentences that you are told, like, what your inner child needs to

hear. You know, what does your inner child need to hear? What did

you wish you heard when you were little? I want you to start practicing

saying those things to your kids now. And what we all

need in life, what we all have always craved since our

own birth, since our own beginnings, As we've always

had, these 5 emotional needs of attachment,

acceptance, affection, appreciation, and autonomy.

Those are all of our needs. We can use different words in

there, but the core of those 5 are in those

themes. And when we are able to meet our own needs,

we feel fantastic. We feel safe. And when you're growing

up and you can trust the adults Around you are there

to support you in meeting your emotional needs. It feels so good.

So this is Just a new way to to

get some perspective on how your kids are behaving, what's showing up for them,

and what might be going on way deep down And how to soothe

that. And that's that this is what this

is what it means. This is what it means to be, like, a truly emotional

coach for for your kids and really, like, get into, like,

compassionate parenting, really intentional parenting. Now,

well, I'll just say this. I wasn't planning to say this, but, like, I find

that sometimes in parenting and, like, with my own kids and when

with my clients, It sometimes takes a little bit of a pattern before

we can kinda go like, what need is not being met here? Like, we

kinda look at the behavior. Like, We keep seeing this behavior. We see this behavior,

and it shows up at this time of day. And then what's happening? And then

we go, oh, you know what? I think they might need to be hearing you

matter, Or I think they might need to be hearing you're safe. I think they

might need to be saying hearing you're you have power. Right? So we kind of

like, When I work with my 1 on 1 clients, we're always problem solving. When

we're in the group, people ask questions. We're we're figuring

it out. Like, It's it's good to have

someone like me alongside of you to look for those

patterns. But if you wanna do this work on your own, You you may need

to have a few behaviors in a row, or like a

like a week or two goes by, and you're like, what the heck is going

on? Why are they acting so weird? And then you go, okay.

Go back to this episode and be like, is it attachment that they're feeling insecure

around? Is it acceptance? Are they feeling like, you know, they're a

bad boy or bad girl? Are they missing physical

connection? Do they need to be told that they matter? Do they

need appreciation, or do they need power? K. I won't be labored anymore,

but that that's why I think when you

join the group program, the emotionally healthy kids class,

You learn how to, like, really look at behavior through this

lens, and we practice it in the class and you get the Full workbook.

Like, I've had a bunch of moms who took the classes past year. They're like,

I look at the workbook, like, every day. We're always, like, in the workbook. Like,

their friends took the class. It's a huge reference, and

it gives you so much to all the tools and scripts are there, so you

have access to that. But then in the class, of course, You know, I'm right

there teaching you live and, like, answering your questions in real time. And

you're hearing from other moms, and you're like, oh, okay. That's That, oh, my kid

does that too or, like, oh, that it's not the same in my family, but

maybe it's this. And you're, like, kind of in this class We're we're just

focused on our kids and their behavior and, like, our family. It's pretty

cool. And then, of course, you stay in the club, and you have these 15

minute private sessions with me. And I already know your family, and so you hop

on those calls, and we're just, like, you know, take off running. Like, one of

my clients has 5 kids, and I know all 5. So when she's like,

so and so has this issue, I'm I'm in it. I'm like, yep. Okay. We've

been in this pattern, and I know what's going on. So that's

incredible to have basically my brain and my

heart and my expertise in your family coaching you And

then problem solving with you, helping you meet you some of your emotional

needs, and then having you, you know, get strategies

for your kids. So It's incredible. And, you know, you're lucky

because if you're listening to this as this episode comes out, the

next, the next session of the emotionally healthy

kids starts on January 18th, and it's gonna be on

Thursdays at 9 AM Pacific, 12 PM EST.

And it's $500 for the class, and that includes all the materials, of

course, in the class and then 4 months of coaching with

me privately once a week for 15 minutes. And

those that time is on Tuesdays. But there are other times that I open up

my schedule in case, You know, people can't get in there.

Okay. So I invite you to join that class. You can sign up at my

website, Call mama coaching .com. It's in

the show notes. You if you're in my newsletter, you know, click an email, and

you'll find out about it. And, yeah, I just want you to join.

Like, there's no reason not to. If you've listened if you're listening, you've already been

in the class, this might be, you know, kinda new A new framework

for you. And so if you're in the club, book a call, and we can

talk a bit talk about it through. And if you're not Planning

to join the class or anything, just make sure you are on my newsletter. That

way you're getting emails and and things. I send a Thursday email with the

podcast details And then, like, a Tuesday email that's also real

you know, really supportive and helpful and, you know, lots of good parenting strategies in

there. Alright. I think this might be the 1st episode of the

New Year, so happy New Year. I hope you had a really good holiday season,

and I will talk to you