Hello happiness seekers and welcome back to the Happiness Challenge podcast where we explore science based habits to help you lead a more fulfilling life.

I'm Claudia Mitura, your host and today we diving or continuing really to dive into the fascinating topic that plays a crucial role in our relationships, attachment styles.

So what are attachment styles and why are they important?

In the previous episode 150, as discussed with Dr.

Katrin Bajanyan, dating and relationship therapist, attachment styles is the way we form relationships, the intimate relationships and those attachments are influenced by our early life experiences.

And I think that the topic of attachment styles is really fascinating.

It's really interesting to see that.

Yes, why is it that love people or form those boats in a different way?

And research confirms that while we cannot completely change our attachment styles, we can definitely work towards becoming more secure in our relationship.

So we can definitely aim to move closer towards that golden emotional attachment standard, the secure attachment for happier relationships.

So as a recap, there are four main attachment, anxious, avoidant, disorganized and secure.

And in this short episode, part two, I will summarize the habits associated with them and some ideas for actions you can take to move towards a secure attachment.

So let's start with the golden standard, the secure attachment.

If you have secure attachment, you are definitely comfortable expressing and listening to emotions.

You are able to empathize with different feelings of your partner and you are taking responsibility for your own emotions and reactions.

You can effectively communicate your needs.

You can maintain healthy boundaries in the relationship, balancing your needs well with your partner's needs.

And in conflict situation, you are able to reflect on your actions.

You are able to act constructively and focus on solving problems together.

You are also willing to be vulnerable and create that emotional closeness.

So this is what we are aiming for.

This is what the secure attachment is about and we can move as per research more towards it for happier and more fulfilling relationships.

So next up, we have anxious attachment.

If we have a tendency for anxious attachment, we often seek reassurance from our partners, very frequently checking in and often looking for signs of rejection.

We tend to overanalyze the behavior of our partner.

So if our partner is upset, we may instantly come to a conclusion that we are the source of their upset.

We might struggle with giving our partners this space that they need.

That is, we don't necessarily like to spend our time on our own and we may struggle with boundaries.

So the needs of our partners may be more important to us than our own needs.

So to work towards a secure attachment, what we need to try to do is engage in personal activities, hobbies and friendships that create healthy space in our relationship.

So it's almost like we need to invest in that space.

We need to invest in ourselves, in our positive self talk to be able then form that secure attachment in the relationship.

And if you are a partner of someone who has anxious attachment, it's very important that you are consistent with your actions.

If you promise something, stick to it, agree in advance.

How are you going to check in with your partner?

How are you going to spend time apart?

Clarity is kindness for people with anxious attachment.

And again, I'm talking here from experience.

I definitely have a tendency for anxious attachment.

And that clarity, that consistency is something that helps me to move towards that secure attachment more often.

Next, we have avoidant attachment.

And that attachment involves challenges in emotionally opening up.

So you might be struggling, sharing your feelings, engaging in very like vulnerable discussions.

You may prioritize personal space over needs of your partner and resisting commitment because commitment means that your independence might be limited in a specific way.

So if you identify with this style, try to set small goals for increasing intimacy and emotional closeness.

It might be that you are sharing more with your partner about your needs, about your worries, or you might want to practice asking for help more often.

Because this attachment takes pride in being independent, so it often shies away from asking for help.

So again, how can you practice more of sharing and how can you ask for help more often?

Partners of people with tendency for avoidant attachment can support partners by expressing gratitude for sharing and respecting the need of space.

So if the partner full of avoidant attachment is opening up and sharing, it's very much trying to reinforce that and very much showing appreciation for that.

But also if the partner decides to back away from that, again, not being angry or frustrated with that, so trying to respecting that need for space.

Disorganized attachment combines aspects of anxious and avoidant styles together.

So that leads to conflicting needs for that intense emotional reactions.

This attachment might be moving between very strong need for closeness, but then also strong need for withdrawing.

And often maybe sending sending mixed signals about what is it that the person needs.

So if you have a tendency for this attachment, I very much dare you to think about practicing mindfulness and emotional regulation techniques so you can be more aware of your triggers.

What makes you to withdraw from the relationship, what makes you to need your partner more often very much, recognizing those quite maybe extreme approaches.

And if you have a partner who have a tendency for disorganized attachment, try to again think about consistency, consistency, resistance in communication and behaviors.

Because research shows that if the partner is able to create stable environment, it is easier for a disorganized attachment to move towards the secure attachment in relationships.

So the challenge for this month is very much to reflect of what tendency you have, which attachment do you tend to maybe display more often and practice moving towards a secure attachment.

And of course that starts as I already said, recognizing your habits, recognizing your tendencies.

So some useful questions to reflect on what attachment styles do you feel you have tendency to move towards?

Be honest with yourself.

That is very important part of this exercise.

Just being honest that yes, this is my tendency.

What aspects would you like to improve on?

For example, one of my biggest learnings when it comes to anxious attachment was how do I spend my time by myself.

So in the past I definitely had a tendency that if my husband would travel for work I would spend spend the time very much soaking about that.

And what I realized is that then I was very much fueling my anxious attachment.

So instead I moved towards more secure attachment by having interesting schedule to attend to by booking in activities that gives me joy.

So even though I still miss my husband very much and I don't like spending time apart from him and I don't like him traveling for extended periods of time, I know that I'm okay by my own and by doing so I giving the space for my husband to enjoy whatever he was doing.

So again, what aspect would you like to improve on?

Give yourself something tangible and which aspect would you like your partner to do differently going forward?

So in my example of my partner of my husband traveling for extended periods of time, I definitely appreciate if he gets in touch with me.

So again, it's not something that has to be very frequent, but I do appreciate a phone call, a text message so that I know that he's okay and I feel still connected to him.

But again, being specific, what we need from our partners is very important because they can then fulfill those expectations.

So I hope you found this episode insightful.

As always, I'll be reflecting on my attachment styles too and I definitely look forward to sharing my other findings and reflections around this topic by the end of the month.

If you would like to receive a summary of this monthly topic directly to your inbox, sign up to my substack newsletter.

Everything will be sent to you so you can definitely have some time thinking about those attachments styles and you will have good resources to do so.

Just look for the Happiness Challenge on the Substack newsletter.

But overall, as always, thanks you for tuning in and until next time keep striving for happiness.

Bye.