Something changes in your life, and you are

redirected. That redirection is meant for your soul, and there

is so much magic on the other side. There is greater love than

you can ever imagine when you actually surrender to what is

when you accept what is you actually will open yourself up

to, experiencing love far greater than the love you just

experienced, the love you just experienced served a past

version of you. But if you are ready to take this initiation

from the universe and catapult into the next version of you,

then you get to experience your next level of love, your next

level of purpose, your next level of growth, your next level

of your life.

Hello, my loves kalomina, which in Greek, means happy new month.

We are headed into the holiday seasons. Halloween is now behind

us, and it's almost Christmas. How time is going by so fast? Is

definitely my practice every day to create as much spaciousness

as I can, because I definitely feel, I feel a sense of

overwhelm with how fast time is going and how precious every

moment is. And so I keep it, I keep it top of mind to

consistently practice creating spaciousness, slowness,

meditation, movement, doing things that actually allow me to

just be really, really present in the day, in the moment and

the experience I'm having, so that I can satiate in time,

because it is just flying by. So I hope you're practicing the

same I'm sitting here smelling the most extraordinary roses my

the owner of the cottage that I live in lives next door to me,

and her best friend owns a rose farm. And the roses in Kenya,

it's actually one of the biggest producers of roses in for

Europe. And the roses here are like a different caliber.

They're so spectacular, they are massive, and they smell so

strongly. I don't ever remember having roses that smell this

strong in North America. So I'm so happy to have these beautiful

roses. I'm going to see if I can somehow get them every week, but

I can I have big ones behind me. If you're on my Instagram,

you'll see the little clip of the episode, and there's a big

bouquet of their pinky purple and and then I have a couple

just sitting in front of me, so I can smell the scent really

strongly, but wow, they're spectacular. So that's my Kenya

plug for the day. I think I need to open a like tourism company

over here, and because I promote Kenya so much, but it really is

such a special place, I just it cracks my heart open. Every day

I was driving home, I take Uber to my gym. Uber's really cheap

here, too, and I take an Uber to my gym when I don't walk. And

there that today, this guy named Kennedy picked me up, and he was

so sweet. This this man. He was just like, Hi, Kate, how are you

doing on this glorious day? And he was just so joyful and and I

was like, Wow, I love your attitude. And he's like, life is

so short, life is so precious. Why would we be anything but

grateful for the day and grateful? And I was just like,

holy crap. It was like a little sermon in the Uber ride. So it's

such a special place. I hope, I hope you make it one day to

Kenya. Come visit me. I'm doing retreats about once a year. It

seems like I've been doing retreats for women who've been

already worked with me and been to the immersion and but

probably this February, my retreats full, but next

February, I'll probably do another one. So lots of exciting

things coming. One day you can come visit me in Kenya. But

let's get into this topic. Today, I'm feeling just this

tenderness in my heart for all the women out there who are

right now going through massive change in their lives, a

relationship ending, a breakup, heartbreak, maybe a marriage

ending. And you know how painful and tender this time can be, and

also how incredibly potent and transformational this time can

be, which I talked about a little bit in last week's

episode, but we're going to specifically today go into the

keys to healing your heart after breakup and divorce, because it

is such a powerful time to do the deeper healing. It's such a

powerful time to reclaim yourself and your life and to to

design your life in a way that actually deeply serves you, that

is connected to your own desires, and it's it's just like

a clean slate. But so many women get stuck in the fearful

stories, what if I never find love again? Or they're stuck in

the fantasy? Of wishing that this didn't happen and wanting

to be with their ex, or they're in the horror story of how the

ending happened and blaming their partner. We often stay so

much in our heads and then create this pain internally over

and over again, and we call it heartbreak. You know, my

favorite saying is, it's not he who broke your heart, it is you,

because it's not the actual thing that breaks us. It's the

stories that we tell ourselves over and over and over again

that that shatter our hearts. It's the beliefs that we carry

about what happened and about what it means about us that

shatter our hearts. So first, I want to start with talking about

breakups and divorce and how we live in a world that still

shames us on some level. For relationships ending, for women

being on their own, for marriages ending, especially and

you know that it's irresponsible or that you're a failure, or you

know that it's not fair to your kids if you have children. And I

just think that our relationships books, if we call

them, if we look at it through this lens, our books on

relationships are a little outdated. You know, it's like

the relationship encyclopedia needs to be upgraded. The

relationship manual needs to be upgraded. And of course, there

is actually no manual. No one taught us how to do relationship

and yet, we learned it through fairy tales. We learned it

through watching movies and stories where every lead

character is eventually finds their one true love, their

person to walk through life with. And we've really glorified

and romanticized that love, that the beauty of love is in

longevity, that the beauty of love is in forever, and that

that's what makes love special, is if it lasts forever. And yet

it's such a crazy thing to me, because especially you know, if

you're a woman listening to the new truth and growing yourself

and evolving your soul, and you're here to become all that

you were meant to be, it's highly unlikely that one person

is going to be a match to you throughout All of the phases of

your growth in your life, like that is a pretty special, rare

thing. And then I even want to change the word special, because

it's like, we've made it like that's the specialness. But how

I perceive relationships is like, every relationship serves

a purpose. Every relationship has something to teach us about

ourselves. Even if it's a toxic, painful relationship, there's

still something in there for you. There's something for you

to learn, there's some part of yourself for you to awaken or

step into. There's a reason you've attracted this toxic

relationship. There's so much there available for you. And I

just think of how many versions of myself I've been. I'm 44

years old, and I've been like so many versions of myself. So to

think that, you know, I look back at my my loves, and I mean,

my high school sweetheart, James, I used to say I was going

to marry him in high school. And I remember my my best friend, my

best friend, Darren, at the time in high school, used to

challenge it. He was like, Yeah, right. He's like, you're not

going to marry James. You were in high school right now. Like,

there's no way. And I was like, I bet you a million dollars. And

we had so many fights about it. And I was like, Shania Twain,

from this moment, is going to be our wedding song. And I was

certain we were going to get married, and then, and then

James and I broke up, and then I dated Joel. And that was certain

Joel and I were going to get married. And then I dated my

next significant one, I'd say is, was Byron, this beautiful,

beautiful man from Australia. And I was like, absolutely

certain we were going to get married, even when we broke up.

I was like, Byron and I are meant to be together. And nope.

And then I and then I was with Charlie for five years, who I've

talked a lot about on the podcast over the years. Charlie

was significant because we were together for five years. All the

other ones were about a year, year and a half, and Charlie and

I were together at a time where all my friends were getting

married, so I was like, for sure, we're gonna get married.

Everyone's getting married. And we named our kids, and we talked

about our destination wedding we were gonna have. And then I

outgrew that one when I turned 30 and decided to go on a quest

and a journey to fall in love with myself. And I actually sat

out on a quest to learn how to fall in love with myself. This

was five years into my journey of being a coach, I was already

a coach. I was already I was already helping people. Was a

business coach at the time, but I knew there was something

fundamentally wrong, because every time I was in a

relationship, I wasn't happy. I was only happy for the beginning

in the honeymoon phase. So I look back at these.

Relationships and every single one serves such a beautiful

purpose, and yet I, the woman I am today, would no longer be a

match to Charlie. The woman I am today would no longer be a match

to Jeff, who I was with four years ago. We keep evolving. And

who we surround ourselves with evolves too, even friendships

you probably noticed on your own growth journey. The more you

grow and shift, the more old friendships that are based on

saboteur patterns no longer fit. Right? If you have to sacrifice

yourself in order to keep a friendship going, or you have to

be small in your marriage in order to keep your partner

happy, then that's not going to last. When you become the

opposite of that, right, when you grow into more of who you

are. So I that's I wanted to start first with, like,

normalizing divorce, normalizing breakup. It's not a failure. It

is an experience. And every experience there's a purpose.

And, you know, so many women are like, Oh, I don't want to impact

my kids. I don't want to hurt my kids by separating, like, let's

normalize that relationships aren't all going to last

forever. Let's normalize that for kids I had. I remember

having one client a few years back who was so her kids, her

her husband left her, and that she was heartbroken, and then we

started working together and started healing her heart, and I

remember her saying, my kids are getting to the age where they're

starting to ask questions and I don't know what to tell them.

And I said, Tell them the truth, and tell them that it's so

normal that so many kids have parents who aren't together

anymore and have parents who've remarried other people, so many

like it's just normal, and yet we still, even to our children,

want them to perceive life in this perfect fantasy that's

serving your kids, they're going to grow up and be heartbroken by

the reality of life. We keep feeding the fantasy to ourselves

by, you know, what we consume, watching movies, believing

there's just this one knight in shining armor who's going to be

everything to you. And that's another problem with

relationships. In the modern world, we expect men to be

everything, and they never will be. Like, there's so much that

women get from female relationships that they cannot

get from men, but they're trying to get from men, and then we

demasculate men. And of course, like, if you're with women, it's

the same thing. We're trying to get something. We're trying to

have this person be everything to us, which is not sustainable,

ever, ever, ever, ever. And that's the problem with the old

paradigm. Is this idea that this person's going to just sweep you

off your feet and be everything to you for the rest of your

life, which is absolutely not true. Never going to happen. So

normalize it for your kids. Normalize like, yeah, even if

your partner left you for another woman and you went

through heartbreak, normalize that too, because it happens,

right? These things happen because we're so distorted

around love. We're we're we have such skewed expectations and

lack of relational skills inside of marriages, inside of

relationships, and we just expect it. You sign a contract

and have a fancy day that you spend $100,000 on and invite all

your friends and take fancy pictures and wear a beautiful

$20,000 dress. And you think, I made that up. I don't know how

much wedding dresses are, but you think that means you're just

going to have a happy life forever. It's like you have to

know how to have a healthy relationship, and you have to

know how to be in a healthy relationship with yourself. And

also you have to know when to let go. So today, we're going to

talk about healing your heart after a breakup and divorce. And

everything I say is with love. This you know, the reason we are

so the reason we feel so much pain and heartbreak when

relationships end is because of all the fantasy thinking around

love. Is because of that fairy tale story that like it ended.

Now I'm a failure. Now there's something wrong with me. What if

I never find love again? And I'm here to tell you, as I tell you,

in every episode, the love that you've been seeking in your

marriage, in every relationship, every person you've dated is all

ready inside of you. It's not somebody else, it's you. And so

I'm going to talk about the three keys to starting the

healing journey so that you can take this time of pain and and

sadness and heartbreak and contraction and shame and fit

feeling like a failure and whatever is arising for you in

this place, and you can use that pain as a portal to awaken into

more of who you are. So I first, I'm going to plug my starting

over workshop that I have coming up next weekend. It's Friday,

Saturday, Sunday. If you can't make it one of the days, that's

no problem. We're going to record each day. It's two and a

half hours each morning. If you're in North America, it's

eight till 1030 Pacific every single morning. And it's going

to be the I will be. Doing live Hot Seat coaching. It's going to

be very intimate. We're going to be on zoom all women going

through heartbreak, divorce, big transitions, big changes. I just

ended a three year relationship and moved to Africa, all in the

span of a few months, and I've walked through all the practices

I'll be teaching you, and all of the the

tools that I'll be sharing with you are practices and tools that

I've used on my own healing journey. And I have to say that

at this point in my journey, I'm quite masterful at walking

through big change and big ruptures. And you know, I left a

seven year relationship about three and a half years ago and

moved to Greece, moved from Canada, left everything behind

and moved to the other side of the world, immersed in a brand

new culture, a brand new experience. And then I just did

it again. Left a three year relationship and moved to

Africa. And I've, I've really mastered this, turning

heartbreak and massive change into a portal for awakening, a

portal for growth, a portal to step into the next version of

yourself, to reinvent yourself. It is such a powerful, catalytic

time, and I've also walked hundreds of women through this

portal as well. I've worked with so many women who are newly

divorced, newly separated, newly going through big breakups, big

changes, and help them use that time like the energy. If you

just think of emotions as energy, when you have really

painful emotions, it's actually the most powerful time for

growth and change and healing, but it's only powerful if you

are intentional, if you know how to how to walk through this

portal and how to do it differently, if you're just

living in the stories in your mind, if you're just ruminating

and arguing with reality, wishing it was different,

thinking you should have something that you don't,

worried about your future, worried about the unknown. If

you're just feeding the fear based stories in your mind,

you're going to suffer. And this time won't be a catalyst for a

new beginning, but it's such a powerful, powerful time. So the

number one, most important thing, first step to healing

your heart after an a big ending, a big transition, is to

accept what is fully. And this is so important, because if we

don't accept fully where we are and what we're experiencing,

we're arguing with reality. And there's that saying, when you

argue with reality, you lose 100% of the time, right? If you

are feeding stories that you're a failure, that there's

something wrong with you, you're never going to find love again.

You should be with your partner. This shouldn't have happened.

That woman he left you for wronged you like you're just in

the story of the thing. You are going to stay trapped in this

purgatory, in this place in between, rather than use this as

an opportunity to growth, to grow. So the first, most

important thing is to fully accept what is right. And this

is like spirituality, 101, if we don't accept what is happening,

even if it's something we really, really, really don't

want to happen, if we don't fully accept it, then you then

you're stuck in the in between, and you will be trapped in

heartbreak for a really long time. Whenever a woman says,

like, Oh, I've been grieving. I've been heartbroken for years,

or I'm like, still hung up over my ex from five years ago, I

know that her saboteur is running her life. I know that

she is swimming in stories that are arguing with reality rather

than trusting the divinity of life. So here's what's going to

help you with acceptance. It is your connection to your

divinity. And if you don't believe there is a universe,

Source Energy, God, the divine. If you don't believe that

there's something greater happening here, then you are

suffering. And so I encourage you to find your own path, your

own Spark, to believing in more. Because if we zoom out, there is

a divine orchestration to all of it, all of it, everything that

is meant for you will come to you. Everything that is not

meant for you will be spat out. You will be redirected in your

life over and over and over again, and your saboteur ego

mind will tell you, Oh, no, no, no, no. You need to hold on to

that comfortable thing that I used to know that you that used

to keep keep me safe in some way, you need to hold on to the

past. But if you keep yourself holding on to the past, you're

going to miss the magic that's meant for you. You're going to

miss the soul journey that's meant for you. So in this place

of arguing with reality, you're you're basically telling life,

no, this is wrong. This is not. How it should be. But I'm here

to speak on behalf of life and this magical universe that you

are a part of, that if something is something changes in your

life and you are redirected, that redirection is meant for

your soul, and there is so much magic on the other side, there

is greater love than you can ever imagine when you actually

surrender to what is, when you accept what is you actually will

open yourself up to experiencing love far greater than the love

you just experienced, the love you just experienced served a

past version of you. But if you are ready to take this

initiation from the universe and catapult into the next version

of you. Then you get to experience your next level of

love, your next level of purpose, your next level of

growth, your next level of your life. But so many women are

holding on to the past stories and the fear that nothing

greater is coming. I remember when Charlie and I ended our

relationship after five years. I remember thinking, God, nobody

will ever love me like he loved me. No way he was so romantic

and sweet and loving and oh my gosh, nobody will ever love me

that much. And guess what I learned right after I left

Charlie, like the next three years, I went on a quest, and I

learned to love myself beyond what I've ever experienced from

a man. And now what I experience in my life is like infinite

love, not just from like I experienced love from my Uber

drivers, love from the people at the gym. Love from, I mean, in

Greece, every single person at every store I went to, love from

my sisters, the women in my life. I have the most deepest,

profound female relationships and and love in so many

different forms. And then, of course, every romantic

relationship I experienced past Charlie was deeper, right?

Because I was more of who I am. So every time we go through the

rupture, and we're willing to walk through the fire and walk

through the pain and be with our pain and feel our pain, and open

the portal door to the other side, to the next version of

ourselves, you experience more love, because you're more of who

you are. That's the thing, like, if you're loving, if you've been

loving in the past, from your patterns, you think that's the

greatest love you'll ever experience. But I promise you,

it gets so much richer and so much deeper when you when you

keep awakening more of who you are, and that's why we

experience these big, catalytic, painful awakenings, is to wake

up parts of ourselves that are shut down. And there's so many

opportunities in our lifetimes to do that, but if we just hold

on to what was and who we were and how our relationship was oh,

but it was so good in the beginning, like our marriage was

amazing at the beginning, I just want to hold on.

You're holding yourself back from stepping into who you're

becoming, because you're not the woman you were when you married

this person, and they're not the man or the woman they were when

they married you. And the same is true for a relationship

that's ending. It doesn't matter if you're married or not, you

have evolved, and maybe somehow your stories will come back

together one day, but only if that's actually right for you.

So that might, that might be a story you can tell that scared

little girl inside, because the part of you that's scared about

the unknown, the part of you that's scared of making a

mistake, that's scared of doing it wrong, that's scared of

failing, that's a child that is a young part of you that just

needs you to tell her everything's going to be okay.

I've got this the universe has got this. Life has our back, and

we're going to grow from this. And if this love is meant to

change form and come back one day it will, or something

greater will, so acceptance, surrender to what is and

remembering the divine orchestration of life. And you

know, if you have a hard time believing in the divine

orchestration of life, perhaps do some reflecting of your life,

of something that changed unexpectedly, or some event that

you went through that rocked you at the time was so hard and

painful and you were in such attachment to that thing. And

see how it like look back at how that experience actually woke

something up in you, or called forth another part of you or

changed your life in a beautiful way. Sometimes we have to train

our brain, maybe not sometimes, always, we have to train our

brain to see the evidence of the truth, of our divinity, of the

truth, truth of all the magical moments that happen and all the

synchronistic things. That occur when you follow your heart, when

you listen to life, when you trust the redirections that

happen. So start collecting evidence, rather than spending

all your time feeding the fear based stories in your mind. The

more you feed the fear based stories, the more you are in

suffering, the more attached you are to this past experience and

to what should be different than it is, or to the to the mean

thoughts that are causing you more pain and suffering, the

more you just stay stuck. This is an opportunity for you to

heal own, own it, accept it, surrender to it, and so much

healing can occur, and so much transformation can occur. So

that's the first step. The second step is transform. So

first step is to accept. The second step is to transform. So

use this time as an opportunity to heal that little girl who's

terrified to feel your grief. Right? This doesn't mean you

just skip over grief and you're like roses and sunshine,

everything's perfect. You need to feel the pain, but know the

difference between feeding the stories that are causing pain,

playing love songs over and over again about being with someone

forever, and crying your eyes out and swimming in the story

that there's something wrong with you, or if only you were

more beautiful, he would have stayed or or that you you're

harming your children, or whatever the thing is, whatever

the story is, or your failure, whatever the story is that

you've been believing. If you just keep beating that drum and

and and crying your eyes out while beating the drum of the

stories of shame and blame and judgment towards yourself,

towards this other person, towards what happened, you are

actually reinforcing your pain, and you are hurting your

saboteur, I'll say is hurting that little girl inside of you,

that young part of you that feel that is taking this personally,

that is in contraction, rather than letting her just feel her

feeling. So know the difference, imagine like intentional feeling

is you're feeling sad, you have all this emotion. You've been

avoiding it, you've been working you've been pushing it to the

side, you've been numbing your feelings. And you create a safe

space for yourself to feel. Run a bubble bath. Put some rose

petals in it. Put some essential oils in it. Put on some music.

There's a beautiful song by Jai Jai gadeesh called in dreams.

That's one of my favorite songs. Actually, I did a cold plunge in

Nairobi last January, and I picked that as my song we played

at the immersion a lot. It's a deeply healing song, and it's a

song written to your inner child. And I was in the cold

plunge one minute into the cold plunge, trying to sing, but it

was three degrees Celsius, so I was I was so cold, I couldn't

breathe, so I couldn't sing. And one minute in, I was like,

trying to sing. My voice was cracking, and I just started

sobbing. And everyone in the room there was eight of us was

crying. Everyone. Some people were crying. They didn't know

me. They were crying because they didn't they never heard the

song before, and they were so deeply moved by it. And then two

of my friends that were in the room were crying because they

were feeling me, because I was crying, and I had no reason to

cry. I wasn't sad, just something cracked open, and I

just started to feel, this is this is feeling to heal. If you

want to heal, you have to just allow your feelings to be there

and love yourself through the feelings, rather than feed the

story that is perpetuating the feelings. So so often we get

stuck in the feeling, in the heartbreak, and it's like I'm

heartbroken for months on end. Well, that means you're just in

a story about what happened, and you're not actually truly

feeling your feelings. So set a container where you're honoring

the little part of you that needs to feel, that needs to

cry, that needs to scream, that needs to let it out, and maybe

it looks like a bubble bath. And that song in dreams by Jai

Jagadish, it's so beautiful. I'm going to listen to it actually

after I'm done recording. I love that song,

so do that and let yourself like, light some candles. Have a

bubble bath in the dark, hold your heart and just like sing

and feel. If you don't know the words, I highly recommend you

learn them, because it's also really cathartic, healing song

to sing, but just let your heart go, let yourself feel without

story. And you know another practice is non linear movement.

I talk a lot about, get on your hands and knees, close your

eyes, put on meditation music, or non linear movement music,

and just move your body until the feelings start to move

without singing without or you can sing without talking,

without opening your eyes, like actually, just without feeding a

story, but just notice sensation in your body, and move the

energy of that sensation. There's so many practices and

tools you can write to that younger part of you that needs

to vent the story. Let your saboteur vent the story, as I

always talk about, but don't. Feed it like let your saboteur

vent it in your journal and then rip it up and stop feeding that

story. So use this as an opportunity to heal and

transform. Another way to do this is to actually shift gears

and decide that you're going to make this healing time, the time

that you are going to fall in love with yourself, that you're

going to romance yourself, that you're going to date yourself,

right? How often do women go through breakups and either say

or divorce and either say, I'm never dating again, and they

shut down completely and basically close their hearts,

which is only hurting you. It's not actually helping anything.

Or other side of the pendulum, they just start dating again and

want to fill that void with sex or with men or with attention or

validation or another boyfriend, so they don't have to feel the

pain. But now you're just like skipping, going from one pattern

to another, and wherever you go, there you are. You're just going

to attract the same thing over and over again. You're not going

to be able to have that deep, healthy, thriving relationships,

because you're trying to fill a void with somebody else. And

that's the problem, that was the problem to begin with, right? Is

that you gave yourself away on your wedding day, and you said,

until death, do us part, and you never even made vows to

yourself. You made vows to another person that you would be

there through sickness and then health, but then you're not

doing that for yourself. Like, how many, how many of you? Like,

how many times have you been sick and you've been mad at your

body and you've been mad at what's happening and you've been

blaming yourself and you've been beating yourself up? That's not,

that's not about, you know vowing to yourself that you'll

be there no matter what like you vowed to your husband. So let

this be the opportunity that you decide to date yourself, to

marry yourself, to to make vows to yourself. If only every woman

did this, we would have a very different world with much

healthier relationships, if you were in true devotion to

yourself. So let this time be the time that you invest in

yourself. Be the time that you hire a coach or a mentor, a

guide to help you heal your heart. Let this time be the time

that you surround yourself in community and you learn to love

yourself in ways that you've never known how to love yourself

before, and it starts with really understanding your

patterns, understanding like no matter what happened inside of

your divorce or your breakup, you played a part, even if on

paper it looked like they were the bad guy, you played a part.

So what was your part? Get to know your saboteur. Get to know

that you can take the saboteur mini course that's on my site.

Get to know your saboteur. Get to know what parts of your

wounds played into this relationship so that you can

actually alchemize them, so you can change and transform from

this experience and not be the same version of yourself in your

next relationship, right? So use this as a time to learn to love

yourself, and having a mentor or a guide during this time will be

the best gift you could give yourself. You could always reach

out to me. I do have this course coming up. It's only $97 and

actually, if you sign up before November 5, which I believe is

Wednesday this week, if you sign up before November 5, you get to

come to starting over for $47 it's 50% off. It's 50 bucks. You

get to come be in a community of women going through a similar

transition. You get to learn how to walk yourself through this

journey with love, with grace, with power, and how to transform

from this experience, I've curated a three day event, two

and a half hours each morning, November, 7 to 10th, to walk you

through exactly this. And at the same time, you're going to be

building community, which is actually number three. So it's

designed to help you transform. So you can do that with me. If

you want to go deeper, you can always work privately with me. I

have, I actually have one opening right now for private,

and then I have another one opening in December, and then

there's two spots left at the next immersion. Like there's so

much available for you here, but you can start with starting

over. It's three days, and you will be surrounded by amazing

women who are also devoted to doing this differently. So the

last key to healing your heart after breakup is sisterhood.

It's community, and it's not just friends who feed your

saboteur. Like most women have friends who come over when

they're going through divorce and agree that they're, yeah,

your husband's an asshole. Like, what a horrible person. Like,

let's talk about I remember having this beautiful client, oh

my gosh. I loved working with her so much, and when I met her,

she was heartbroken a year after five. Finding out her husband

had cheated on her many times over many years, and they had

little kids together, and she was devastated. And when we

first met, I've shared this story before, but it's such a

powerful one, because when we first met, she was so addicted

to the story of him being a bad guy, and every friend in her

life was also addicted to it too. You see, most women are

operating in their friendships from their saboteurs, and if

they are, they're going to want to gossip with you. They're

going to want to collude. They're going to want to make

the other person wrong and bad, which actually doesn't heal

anything. All it does is solidify the story that you're a

victim, that there's something wrong with you, that this that

that you and solidifying the story that somebody else is

responsible for your pain, which means there's no opportunity to

heal and grow, right? If you were in blame and victim

mentality, you cannot grow. You will stay in in captivity, and

you'll stay hooked into this toxic story, thinking it's the

thing that happened that's keeping you hooked in but it's

actually your perspective, and it's your friends that are

supporting that. So this beautiful woman and I were

working together, and our very first call, I remember her

talking about how every time she hung out with a friend, that's

all they would talk about, is what's he doing now? Because she

had kids with him, so she was still in relationship with this

man, in parenting partnership, and she would gossip with them,

and they would like get off on her gossip. That's what happens.

People get off on our struggles, because the saboteur loves

righteousness, loves to make other people wrong, loves to

blame that's why we watch reality TV like it. Loves the

drama, so your saboteur is going to look for other saboteurs to

feed the drama. So in the moment, you feel a little bit

more powerful, you feel righteous, you feel right, you

feel validated. And then what happens? You go home, your

friends are gone. And now what you feel way, way, way worse,

right? It might have felt better in that moment, but then you

feel like you want to die after the problem just got 10 times

bigger instead of smaller. It's kind of like doing ecstasy.

Like, feel so blissful in the moment, but then you feel like

you want to kill yourself the next day. Like, is that actually

worth it? So that's what happens when we are in these these

saboteur dynamics with friends, right? That's not the

sisterhood. I'm talking about. It is essential to receive love

and support and empowerment, and that's what's different inside

of a community like the community that that I've built

over the years, the reclamation community, the immersion

community, expanded love, it's really the expanded love method,

but it's women who've done expanded love. I do an expanded

love weekend that's just for the women inside of my communities

every year, and this community is so special because these

women have all the time and space to hold for each other and

to hold each other through painful experiences. But then

they reflect love, and they reflect empowerment, and they

reflect celebration and they they stand with and for each

other and within for themselves. They don't keep each other stuck

in patterns and in victim mentality and in limitation. So

surrounding yourself with a community of women who are

actually self aware and conscious and can hold you to a

higher standard, can remind you of who you are, can help you see

the gifts in this experience and help you reclaim who you are. Is

essential. I would not be where I am today without the sisters I

have in my life and the support system.

And of course, it starts with the support system I have

inside. I'm not just looking to them to rescue me. I'm so rooted

in my own healing and my own love within myself, and then my

friends meet me there, and they pour the same kind of love into

me that I pour into myself. So receiving sisterhood support is

everything. And if you join us in the starting over weekend,

this is it. It's like, literally, the the A to Z on

what you need to know and do and practice in order to use this

time as an opportunity to grow, to transform, to heal, to

become, to create a life you love, to take your power back.

And it's also a time for you to build community, because there's

going to be, it's going to be an intimate group, but interactive.

You will be meeting different women. You'll be having there'll

be hot seats of coaching with me to support you through your own

personal journey. And it's it's going to be a really, really

special experience, so I would love to have you there. This is

such a big topic, obviously, I can only share so much on the

podcast, but you don't have to do this alone, and in fact,

you're a woman, you need community and collaboration and

connection. You're not we're not designed to do it alone. You're

not designed to walk through heartbreak alone in a box while

your friends text you and make sure you're still alive and

you're still you know, eating food like you're designed to do

it in community, to be held and loved and seen and met in

community and. How these painful, heartbreaking, massive,

scary changes become a huge catalyst for growth. So again,

sign up right away and you will get 50% off. The discount code

is expand all capital letters, E, x, P, A, n, d, and the link

is below this episode. You can also go to my Instagram. Kate

Harlow, the unscripted woman. The link is there in my bio, and

it's also on my website, the unscripted woman.com starting

over November 7 to ninth. Would love to see you there. It's

going to be such a beautiful, transformational, healing

weekend. And what a great thing to do before the end of the

year, so that you can wrap your year up with love. You can wrap

your ear up with empowerment, and you can start off 2026 from

a whole different vantage point, a new you, a new beginning, and

you're more than welcome to join us, even if you're not going

through heartbreak or break up, but you're you're going through

a big change in your life, in yourself. This is going to be

such a powerful experience. There's already so many women

who've already worked with me been to the immersion, been to

Kenya, been to expanded love weekends, and they're and

they're signing up too, because they just love the the deepening

of the journey. There's always room to grow more. So we'd love

to have you there. If you enjoyed this episode, spread it

to all your friends. If you know a woman going through heartbreak

or a breakup or a big transition, she needs to hear

this message. Share the message with her, you are not alone, and

this time is exactly as it's meant to be, and it's here to

wake up you and your life in ways that you cannot see right

now, there is a divine orchestration to all of it, a

natural intelligence to life, and when you learn to trust that

and to just lean into it with love, with support, with

mentorship, with guidance, and with sisterhood, you're going to

be so grateful for this time in this portal, because who you

will be and what your life will feel like on the other side is

the most going to be the most extraordinary thing that you

can't even imagine right now. And the last thing I want to

speak to speak to is the whole thing about kids. What matters

to your kids is that you're being real and that you're being

loving and that you're learning and growing from this

experience. That's how you can be the best role model to them,

because they're watching you and they're going to learn so much

more, not you feeding the fantasy story and beating

yourself up for doing something wrong by separating from their

father and changing your life in a big way. What's going to

matter the most and benefit them the most is by you doing so with

love and you modeling life, being opportunities to grow,

because they're going to go through so much change and

transition in their life too, and unexpected twists and turns,

and we need to set them up for that. We don't need to feed the

fantasy story that, oh, we've made a mistake and we should all

be married forever. That is bullshit. That old paradigm is

dying. It's not to say it's not possible, but it's not like, why

is that the goal? Shouldn't why do we celebrate? Oh my gosh, I

haven't thought about this in so long, but like, why do we

celebrate, you know, people's longevity of relationships, even

when they're not happy. I remember my grandparents 70th

wedding anniversary, and they didn't even like each other.

They were mean to each other their whole lives. You know, I'm

sure there, there was love in there, but it was like

dysfunctional love and repressed love, and we celebrated and

gathered with the hundreds of people to celebrate their 70th

wedding anniversary, rather than celebrating people having the

courage to let go, people having the courage to walk away when

something's complete, the experience, the experience is

complete, the growth is complete. And that takes so much

courage to say, I love you and I love me, and let's set ourselves

free so we can become who we're meant to be and what we're meant

to experience next, rather than hold each other back in some

fantasy, some some purgatory, where neither of us are living,

neither of us are growing, neither of us are expanding. And

we're telling ourselves that's the goal, that's not the goal.

The goal is not longevity. The goal is quality. The goal is

expansiveness. The goal is growth. The goal is alignment.

If this is no longer aligned, it's no longer aligned, and

there's nothing wrong with that. It just is what it is, and it's

time for you to align in new ways. So I'm celebrating you.

I'm holding your heart and loving you and just celebrating

your courage to walk through this path. And let me show you a

new way. Join us at starting over November 7 to ninth, and I

will see you next week.