[00:00:00] Knowledge is power, and we are all about empowering the mamas of the world. In each episode, we will unravel and interpret the latest research and evidence based practices for pregnancy, postpartum, and motherhood. As mums and researchers ourselves, we have experienced firsthand the overwhelming complexity of information, myths, and those classic old wives tales.

[00:00:27] I'm Dr. Renee White, and this is The Science of Motherhood. Hello and welcome to episode 155 of The Science of Motherhood. I am your host, Dr. Renee White. Thank you for joining me this week. Today is a check-in Tuesday episode and by George . We are definitely checking in. I'm talking about Mum Rage today.

[00:00:48] I'm talking about mum guilt and something that I've never really done before on this podcast, which is. I have literally just had the event occur to me and it's been two hours. And I like, you know what, I'm going to jump on and I'm going to record an episode on this because I feel like one, it's going to be a really good, uh, self therapy session for myself, but also, you know, it being end of December.

[00:01:22] People are in the thick of, um, the silly season and school holidays. And, you know, I feel like there is a lot of pressure on mums at this time of the year to juggle it all. The expectations are high and. We don't talk enough about mum guilt and mum rage and they are both legitimate things. And if there's anything that I can get across to everyone on this podcast is that my wish and hope is to be able to normalise these types of things.

[00:01:56] You are not alone. I'm seven years postpartum and it still gets me. This is something that, that I really struggled with in the early days, uh, with my daughter. you know, being in my life and my, just this real shock and shift in identity where I was a very independent person. And then all of a sudden, you know, there was a child that I had to not only look after, but I had to keep alive at the same time.

[00:02:28] And then the next layer of expectation was that I had to be quote unquote a good mum. What the hell does that mean? So I just wanted to share with you, like, you know, the fact that a really kind of explosive and emotional event occurred to me this morning and that was off the back of just has anyone ever kind of thought, Oh my God, I just want to stop being the nagging parent.

[00:02:58] I want to, I want to be the fun parent for once. And it is this, you know, just incessant nagging that I felt like I have been doing for the past three weeks with my daughter. And I just was so tired of it, you know, nag, please put your shoes on, please pack your bag, have you put your pajamas away, pack your lunchbox, all of those things.

[00:03:25] And I just was at the end of my tether. Like it was, explosive in the end because I was just so sick to death of asking the same thing over and over and over again. And it felt like the only conversations that I was having with my daughter was either no when she would ask me, um, you know, can she do something?

[00:03:47] Can I watch TV now or can I do this? And, and it's, and it's, I hate being the no parent. I just absolutely hate being the no parent. So yes, there was a huge emotional explosion this morning. Again, I want to build context and normalise this, that, you know, quote unquote, good parents, great parents, excellent parents, we all explode.

[00:04:11] Like I'm feeling immense guilt about it, not only because I just exploded. But layer on to that the fact that it was school drop off time and I had to be out the door and it was in fact my turn to drop her off at school. We're very lucky she's, we're only 300 meters up the road so it's a quick walk. But I had an appointment that I had to get to at nine o'clock and there was lots of tears from her and lots of explosions obviously because if I can't regulate my emotions then how can we honestly expect her to?

[00:04:46] So there was lots of yelling and crying on her part as well and in the end I had to walk out. I had to walk out because I had an appointment at nine o'clock and I was battling with peak hour traffic if I didn't leave sooner rather than later. And so I had to walk out and my daughter was very upset.

[00:05:11] And that, is just another whole basket of guilt that I will carry with me for the rest of today until I see her again after school. But I just wanted to, I guess I just wanted to share this with you. I wanted to let, you know, anyone who's listening that. Think one of the most important things that I have discovered over the past 7 years being a mum is that.

[00:05:42] There's. There's no expectation that we're not going to have big emotions and explode sometimes, but I think the most important lesson that we can take from this and that we can role model to our kids is that after that emotional outburst, explosion, whatever it is, is how we connect with them afterwards. It's saying sorry, explaining to them why you felt the way that you did and talking through it, having that family meeting and going, look, this is why I felt what I did. How are we going to fix this? Can we all lean in and, you know, help out or whatever it is? And that's what I said to my husband at the time.

[00:06:37] I'm sick of being the default parent. It's too hard. It's, it's, it's just too hard because consistently she comes to me to ask, can she do something? Can I watch TV? Can I go have a, like, have a play with this person? Can I do this? Can I do that? And inevitably it's me. I always want to say yes. Of course we want to say yes to our kids, but it's hard saying no.

[00:07:05] And there's reasons behind it. You know, just we've got things on or no, you can't watch TV because it's downtime at the moment. But yes, I think the role modeling of what happens next after those emotional outpours are really, really important, um, as a family to reconnect again. And, you know, I'm two hours post this huge emotional outburst as I record this, and I'm starting to think about what am I going to do for my mental health, what am I going to do for my mental and emotional health? My physical health? And for me, it's definitely like, I think this is a therapeutic thing, you know, just hashing it out, talking out loud, you know, you can, you can do that with yourself. You don't need to have a podcast. Just go sit in the car or go have a shower or whatever it is and just wash it away.

[00:08:10] Journaling also really helps for me. Sometimes I get quite caught up in the why of like, why am I feeling so anxious? And interestingly enough, I had already said to my husband this morning, I'm feeling really anxious. And I couldn't put my finger on it at the time, what was actually going on. But I think the consistent nagging this morning just sent me over the edge and really was.

[00:08:39] Yeah, it was kind of the catalyst for it all to kind of creep up to the surface. So I think talking out aloud is a really good option to be able to kind of like relinquish all of those emotions. Um, movement, If you can get to the gym, if you can dance it out on my way home from my appointment, I absolutely cranked the music and was singing out loud.

[00:09:05] I'm so sorry, Hobart, if you heard my singing, because I know for me that not just for me, for human beings all across the world that activates your vagus nerve. So, you know, that really kind of dampens down that fight and flight mode. I text my girlfriends and I was just like, Big rant, big rant about what had happened and how I was feeling.

[00:09:30] And so it's nice to kind of lean on community and your closest circles in those moments, because there's nothing worse than feeling alone. There's nothing worse than feeling like you can't share those experiences with someone. So if you are in the depths of it, or you have an emotional outburst in the future.

[00:09:56] There are certain things that you can do. And as I said, I think one of the greatest lessons is that it's what happens next that dictates the consequences of those big emotional outpourings, and that is to ensure that you reconnect with the people around you and that you put words to those emotions and whether it is something, and it's something I really struggle with to be able to verbalise things in the moment.

[00:10:32] And so even if you can take some time out for reflection, and write it down. I do that all the time. I really struggle with talking about the feelings that I'm having, particularly with my husband. And so I will have to text or write a note or something like that. Like I really struggle to do it face to face.

[00:10:55] That's a whole nother episode. That's a whole, that's a whole basket of 10 years of therapy that we can talk about. So yes, I think reconnecting with the people um, closest to you. If you need to go for a run or a swim, water is a beautiful cleanser. Getting out in nature is great to kind of, you know, cleanse it all off.

[00:11:19] But I, most importantly, I just want to reiterate that you are not alone. That mum rage and mum guilt is legitimate. It happens. I know it sounds crazy, but don't feel bad about it. Like it's okay to feel like that. It's a really hard road to like travel motherhood. And so this is why I always say we shouldn't be doing this alone.

[00:11:47] All right. Happy new year everyone. And I will see you in 2025. If you loved this episode, please hit the subscribe button and leave a review. If you know someone out there who would also love to listen to this episode, please hit the share button so that they can benefit from it as well. You've just listened to another episode of the science of motherhood proudly presented by Fill Your Cup, Australia's first doula village, head to our website, ifillyourcup.com to learn more about our birth and postpartum doula offerings where every mother we pledge to be the steady hand that guides you back to yourself. Ensuring you feel nurtured, informed and empowered so you can fully embrace the joy of motherhood with confidence. Until next time, bye!