Welcome back! I hope the last few weeks have been good for you & I hope you getting some of this amazing spring weather!

I want to dive into narcissism & gaslighting and I realized that it will take more than one episode to get through it fully - so today we’re going to take a look at what it looked like in my first marriage, the damage it caused, & the good that has come from it. On the part 2 we’ll go into what it looks like with parents, step-parents, & anyone else you may cross paths with.

Let me preface this by saying either person in a relationship can be a narcissist. In my case, it was my first husband. In my current husband’s case, his 2nd wife was the narcissist. So while I may say “he” that is because of my personal experience, just know that it can be a “she” as well. The basic traits & actions are the same regardless.

Getting into it, I just used Good & Narcissism in the same sentence. Let me explain how that is possible.

In my first episode, An Uncommon Perspective, I touched on the narcissistic abuse cycle. We’re going to dig in a little deeper today.

First a quick definition of what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is according to the National Library of Medicine “Narcissistic Personality Disorder is characterized by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, interpersonal exploitive behaviors, and a lack of empathy, beginning in early adulthood and manifesting in a variety of contexts.”

Here is a quick refresher of the 4 stages of the narcissistic abuse cycle:

1. Love Bombing

2. Devaluation

3. Discard

4. Hoovering - Re-engagement - or left with Trauma/PTSD

Let’s go into each one a little deeper.

First is Love Bombing - a manipulation tactic that involves showering someone with excessive attention & affection in an effort to bring them close & build trust & love in a short period of time. In many cases it mimics the feelings of “love at first sight” or “soulmates”.

Next comes Devaluation - This is where the abuse starts to happen. It can include gaslighting, isolation, projection, silent treatment, financial control, & more. This is also where we start apologizing because they’ve twisted our emotions around & they are now the ones hurt.

Then we have Discard - This is where they abruptly leave or abandon, emotionally withdraw or threaten to end the relationship. In my experience this comes when you “challenge” them or try to “call them out” on what they are doing.

Lastly there is Hoovering or Re-Engagement - this is when they try to win you back with promises of change. Watch out for this part - as my mom said “He could sell ice to an eskimo”

And until the cycle is broken we believe them. Maybe he will change, there is always this tiny little smidge of hope. So you agree & then start the abuse cycle all over again - with the love bombing everything seems better, they’re putting in the effort they talked about, but it doesn’t last long…

So, how did this cycle play out in my life? I was young & naive and he had no idea what a normal relationship really looked like. His parents divorced when he was young. His mom remarried to an abusive man and his dad died of a heroin overdose when he was 16.

When we first met, I smoked cigarettes. He did not. He didn’t like that I did, and thinking about it just now, he must have somehow “convinced me” to quit. Only I didn’t at first. I was sneak smoking & he found out. - I was 20 at the time & really didn’t think that it would be such a big deal. We were just dating at this point. You would have thought the world was going to end when he found out. I don’t know if it was then or a later event where I picked up smoking again (out of spite), but he called me a “cigarette sucking whore”.

RED FLAG! RED FLAG! Shining in my face!! - Did I see it? Nope, I had blinders on. I did & said anything I could to smooth things over & we made up. And then the cycle started all over again. This time around there was a little more gaslighting & now I’ve got (what I see now) is my first glimpse of isolation.

I have a pretty big extended family & growing up, more often than not we would be at one grandparents house or the other’s almost every weekend. And it was typically for a large portion of the day. We’re talking 5, 6, 7 hours at a time. This is what I knew. So when we got together & he saw this is how it was, if I went without him I would get incessant texts & phone calls about when I would be home, or how much longer, or why wasn’t I home yet. Or if he was with me it was “I’m ready to leave now”, “let’s go I have something else to do”, always some excuse to get me to leave earlier than planned. Eventually it became so much that I just didn’t go visit as much. Then we moved further away. Then further away, then states further, until we were living in the desert near the border of Mexico.

Visiting & talking to my family became a rare occasion. Which is how he liked it, because then they couldn’t point out what was going on. Because when you’re in the middle of it, you don’t really see it until it’s too late.

In one of the early cycles is when the first signs of physical abuse showed up. The first time we had a big fight (I don’t even remember what it was about) but he pushed me so hard in my office chair that he almost pushed me onto the balcony of the 2nd floor. During this same time period he punched a hole in the wall & then blamed me for fracturing his hand when he gave me a “frogger” on my thigh. But alas, the cycle continues and one of the re-engagement/hoovering stages is when he proposed to me. And we all know what the answer was.

This time period is also when the first hints of sexual abuse started. Although I didn’t recognize any of that until after he died. These cycles continued over & over & over again. The gaslighting worse each time, the name calling, the emotional & mental abuse picked up too. He would comment on what I a was wearing, how I should (or should not) cut my hair, what I was doing (or doing wrong), what I was eating (or eating wrong), what I was cooking (or how I was cooking) - you get the point. Nothing was ever good enough, or right. Nor was my knowledge correct. If I ever corrected him on something he would tell me I’m stupid & wrong & he’s right.

We could be having a conversation & I would bring up something that was bothering me. Every single time he would twist it around & tell me that’s not true, that’s not what happens, here’s what really happens, here’s how it really is and now he’s the victim and I’m the one apologizing.

Another example is when our grandparents passed away. We live in Colorado at the time & our families were mostly in St. Louis, MO (for those not in the US, that’s about 900 miles between the places). Well unfortunately his grandma got sick and as he was flying home to hopefully see her before she passed, she passed away while he was flying. So he stayed in St. Louis until after her funeral. We made it happen, it didn’t matter what the cost was or if it was going to be inconvenient or put us in a bind.

But when my grandpa passed away - we could afford to drive the girls 9 hours one way to meet family so they could take them to the funeral (another 8 hours from there). But we “couldn’t afford” for me to go. See I had just been gone for a few weeks about a month prior to that. I had an amazing opportunity to stay with my mom for a few weeks & help her after her open heart surgery (what a battle that was to convince him to let me do). But there was no way in hell he was going to let me go by myself again. And we couldn’t all go because we had too many animals at the time. So I missed out on my grandpa’s & my great-grandma’s funerals because, basically he didn’t want me to go. But the words were “we can’t afford it” “we can’t leave the animals” “we have too much going on”.

Here’s the thing, narcissists will say whatever it takes to get you to listen to them & believe them. They will talk in circles telling you the same thing 5 different ways until you finally believe them or agree with them. They will never let you get your point across. They will cut you off mid-sentence, telling you why you are wrong & they are right. To the point you have now completely forgotten what you were going to say.

Towards the end, I didn’t even bother to argue with him anymore. Life was much easier if I just agreed & went along with whatever he wanted. I became numb & indifferent. I was in full survival mode, tired of the rollercoaster ride (aka Narcissistic Abuse Cycle). So basically, I gave up. I was surviving - just trying to make it to bedtime & prayed he would pass out quickly and not start his shit.

I will get to that in another episode, but the narcissistic abuse cycle started including suicide threats. It wasn’t often at first, but at the end it was 3-5 times a week, every week, for 2+ years.

So I lived in survivor mode for the last 3-4 years before he died. Just go along to get along. I lost my identity along the way. I had just become Chris’s wife. I was not important. What I said didn’t matter. My ideas were always bad ones. I was crazy “things didn’t happen that way” or “that’s not how much it was”. It got to the point if he asked me about something - some sort of fact - I would just reply with “that sounds about right” or “I’m not sure”. Never ever correct him. Especially in front of others!

By the time he died, I didn’t know who I was anymore. I had no self-confidence. I was in a kind of disbelief when I realized I could do anything I wanted. And it was so freeing & refreshing to finally get to do what I wanted to do. To slowly become a new & improved me!

Now at the beginning of the episode I used the words Good & Narcissism in the same sentence. Let me explain. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. People are put in our lives for reasons. And while we may not know the “why’s” in the moment, one day you will figure it out.

I had to go through all of that to become the person I am today. I can now spot a narcissist from a million miles away & have the ability to have boundaries in my life.

Having been treated so shitty for so long has given me the ability to love more than I ever knew was possible. Because I never want to be the reason someone feels bad or hurt. And if there is any chance that I can lift them up & make the feel better, then that is what I will do.

But I had to heal to get this far. I had to face the reality of what happened to me. I had to say the bad, scary parts out loud. Then I had to do all of the things for me. Do for myself. I had to finally come to a “fuck it” attitude. Who cares what anyone else thinks? If it makes me happy, if I enjoy it, if I like the way it looks, if I want to wear it, whatever…. I just did it. Fuck what anyone else thinks about it. Because you know your story. You know how far you have come & you deserve all of the good things in life. Whatever YOU think good things are. If people only knew 1/2 of our stories they would shut their pie holes!

But this also goes both ways - because I know all of that, I no longer judge people for what they think is good in their life. What they like, how they live. We are all fighting our own battles - just be kind. It costs nothing.

Up next, we’re going to practice gratitude & affirmations together to hopefully help you get out of a survivor mindset.

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And I’m back! Thanks for continuing to listen. Here are some words of gratitude & affirmation that you can say as often as you need to, to help you move forward in your healing.

So here we go…

Let’s start by taking 3 deep breaths.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Repeat after me (either out loud or silently to yourself):

Great Creator, I want to thank you

I want to thank you for loving me even when it seems like no one else does.

I want to thank you for protecting me at all times.

I want to thank you for always being here when I need you & even when I think I don’t.

Thank you for the strength & perseverance to get through the worst times in my life.

Thank you for showing me that I am worthy of love, compassion, & kindness.

God, thank you for showing me all of the good & positive things in my life.

Thank you for helping me to feel worthy.

Thank you for helping me heal from all of my hurts.

Amazing Creator, thank you for showing me the positive path forward in my life.

And for the redirection when I get off course.

Thank you for loving me for who I am in this very moment.

I love you.

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Say this often. Come back to it as many times as you need to. Repeat it with me - because when we say it together it is stronger & more powerful. Even when it’s a recording - because the intention behind it is love. On the next episode we’re going to go into the narcissism & gaslighting by parents/step-parents, and anyone else you may come in contact with

So, my loves, remember that you are enough, you are worthy and you deserve good things in your life. If no one has told you today, I love you. I love you for who you are in this very moment.

Thank you so very much for listening, it means so much to me! I hope you’ll come back for more. For now, here are my parting words:

Have Faith. Give Grace.

You Are Worthy…. And….

I Love You.