Do you ever feel like the only way to get ahead in your business is to be a more masculine version of yourself, a bro, or just to push yourself in ways that are not nurturing, kind or sustainable? Maybe you find yourself downplaying your natural strengths because they don't fit the traditional business mold.

Hey, it's Samantha Hartley, and this is Season 19 of Profitable Joyful Consulting. Our theme is the feminine advantage. At this time in history, we're witnessing the rise of the feminine. How do we bring that into our businesses?

What do I mean by masculine and feminine? Well, what comes to mind if I ask you to name a masculine quality? How about a feminine one? Generally masculine qualities are things like logical, goal-driven, structured, rational, and dominant. While feminine qualities are things like empathetic, flexible, supportive, and collaborative. These aren't about gender, but about attributes and energy. We all contain some of both.

In a classically masculine field like business, there's a tendency to bring a ton of masculine energy in. Too much though can create a toxic work environment like many of us experienced in corporate settings; overly competitive, scarcity minded, controlling. Conversely, too much feminine energy can lead to passivity, a stagnation and excessive emotionality. These are generalizations, of course. I've seen these dynamics in small businesses as well, and even in my own.

This special six-part season addresses the challenges and opportunities for women consultants; the challenges like misogyny, patriarchy, and ageism, balancing career and family, securing funding for your business, and visibility concerns like what's appropriate, what's aligned with your values and what's safe.

But it's not all bad. Far from it. There's also opportunities, pioneering new creative ideas, processes, and solutions succeeding without sacrificing health and relationships, leading in unprecedented ways, bringing empathy and inclusivity and sustainability. Redefining business to be more compassionate, and life-giving. There are huge opportunities available to women now because the old way is breaking, so we need to do something new. And that's fortunate because women tend to come in and look at things just a bit differently. That is the feminine advantage. We get ahead by leaning into what makes us different from business as usual.

With a woman running for the most powerful job on earth, the feminine is going to be under the microscope, not just the person. The feminine itself is going to be celebrated and it's going to be excoriated. Whether you support the candidate or not, will you disagree with the misogyny?

We also experienced this dynamic personally and need to recognize that. For example, last week, I tweaked my right hamstring, which means a few days, hopefully not weeks, of going upstairs or shoveling in the garden with my non-dominant left leg. I'm not delighted. It took a half day of hurting it to slow me down, but now I'm mindfully leading with my left foot.

Guess what? In yoga tradition, the right and left sides of the body are associated with masculine and feminine. The right side is the masculine. It represents solar energy, the sun, and qualities like activity, logic, and rationality. The left side, the feminine, represents lunar energy and qualities such as intuition, creativity, and calmness. Similarly, in Chinese medicine, the Yang energy is masculine, active, logical, and energetic. And feminine yin is passive, intuitive, and calm. Throughout history and cultures, we've been working on this idea of balancing the masculine and feminine aspects. Similarly, in Chinese medicine, the Yang energy is masculine.

Throughout history and across cultures, we have been working on this idea of balancing the masculine and feminine aspects. Meanwhile, with my leg, I've been practicing not being annoyed with myself that I have to lead with my non-dominant, left feminine side. Because what if you were here and I saw you limping around and going upstairs sideways, would I scold you for being weak and careless? No, I'd have compassion for you. So the universe and I have helpfully given me a little opportunity to practice this feminine quality with myself.

Quick disclaimer, I'm not demonizing the masculine. We need it to get things done, among other things. I'm also not talking about men and women, but rather the abstract qualities associated with these two parts of us. I'm inviting you to look at where you might feel something is not working in your business, or where you're being too hard on yourself and to consider if you can invite in more empathy, intuition, receptivity and nurturing.

Today, I'll help you learn to spot the signs of energy imbalance between your masculine and feminine sides, and understand the negative impacts this imbalance can have on your health and your business.

I'm going to provide actionable tips to bring your energies into balance. So stay tuned until the end for an inspiring message from one of my favorite billionaires, followed by some coaching questions, a journal prompt, and an assignment to help you integrate these ideas.

I got interested in this topic for several big reasons. Growing up in the south, one of the ways that girls got taken seriously by boys and men was to act more like them. One specific way was to swear like sailors. Girls in my circles were foulmouthed, and while swearing isn't necessarily considered masculine anymore, it was at that time and it was a way that we sought equality. Throughout my leadership experiences, whether in school or college or my early years in corporate, I had a militaristic leading style. I'm not sure why that was. Maybe it was 'cause I was so personally sensitive, or maybe I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I don't know.

I had a lot of that command and control style of leadership they talk about, and that was especially true when I was in the field in Moscow, Russia with a Coca-Cola company. It was an intense hyper growth environment in which colleagues actively tried to steal credit for my work and even tried to push me out of my job. I got that guy fired. It was like Survivor with all the fighting and the faction building. It was in some ways worse when I got to headquarters where the political mind games were next level. I learned that I could function in that environment, but it took a toll on my physical and mental health. I considered leaving, but everyone, colleagues, friends, family, thought I was crazy.I wondered if they were all crazy.

And so with the support of literally no one, I left and spent a year not working, just recovering. It took years in self-employment for me to gradually adopt more feminine energy. A large part of that was thanks to my husband Christopher, who offered guidance and support and coaching all feminine qualities. He encouraged me to bring in more of my feminine energy and discouraged the particularly corrosive masculine behaviors I had towards myself. As well as the beliefs that drove those behaviors; Beliefs like pain is weakness leaving the body, more is more, work harder to get what you want. And, by God, no one will outwork me. There's no crying in business.

I mean, I was really just self-abusive that way, and that wasn't sustainable. It wasn't kind. And I find that a lot of my clients are attracted to working with me because they, too, are trying to find a way to succeed without the damage. How do we build a million or $2 million business profitably and joyfully, sustainably, without exhaustion?

Well, what I started to do way back then was recognize my desire to push in with the masculine behavior and then invite in instead a feminine aspect.

I'm going to share with you three main feminine attributes to bring in, and as you hear them, I want you to think about your relationship to them.

Before I share, let's hear from my client, Leslie, on how she brings these energies into her business.

Leslie

I was sitting with my employee actually at dinner a couple nights ago and she gave me like one of the highest compliments. We work with a lot of really, really difficult, demanding clients and that she feels as my employee, that I really protect her from that energy and that I'm very kind and empathetic. And like she just used the word nice, that I'm a nice person, which working in the field that we do, you don't hear that thrown around a lot.

So I think that's like my feminine energy in the side of me that's like quite maternal and caretaking. And I think that can be a superpower in business because it's really disarming for people. It's really unexpected. And for me, as like a personal value, it's obviously important. But to hear that mirrored back from her was really special.

I personally work with a lot of women, that's normally the people that are my clients that I'm negotiating with, so I've used, what I would consider, feminine attributes such as empathy, vulnerability, creativity in those conversations. And I find that a lot of times it's very fruitful and there's sort of like a leveling of the playing field.

There's this idea around boundaries and not talking about certain things and, of course that's true, but I also think there's a lot of value in talking to someone that you employ on a really human level and a personal level if it's appropriate. And so I've encouraged her through questions and just like being curious about her personal and professional life, and I've just welcomed that kind of environment. And I think I've noticed I get a better output from her when I'm that way versus when I am really strict and headstrong and like I need it to be done a certain way, very corporate, right? It doesn't get me the result that I want.

When we stop getting the results we want, it's time to do something different. Keep that in mind as I ask you to consider this.

1. Embrace Vulnerability. As I've said earlier, I used to equate vulnerability with weakness, and it took years to rehabilitate this word for myself. If choosing vulnerability is a tough sell for you as it was for me, I want to offer your masculine skepticism this little nugget. Vulnerability is a fast track to connection, intimacy, and trust, especially in areas like leadership, sales, and coaching. My masculine ego was like, “oh wait. If it's more effective and it'll help me do my job better, okay. Okay, I'm in.”

It's proven that we connect more deeply with others, not when they tell us their wins, but when they share their struggles. For example, it feels vulnerable to tell you my story of leaving Coke because my physical and mental health were ruined. To do so, I have to recall making a completely irrational, illogical decision without the support of a single person in my life. It felt like losing everything.

But when I do tell that, you might recall a time when you listened to a voice inside you that no one else could hear, or a time when you felt your support system fall away. That is vulnerability in storytelling, which we need to do all the time in our businesses. People you work with or advise or coach, they're going to receive advice better from you if they know you've also gone through similar situations. And on sales calls, when I create a safe space for a potential client to be vulnerable, they know we're going to be doing extraordinary work together. It allows clients to work on deeper issues and fosters a strong, trusting relationship.

If you feel cautious about embracing vulnerability in your business, I do have this tip for you. A great way to ease yourself into it is to talk about challenges or situations that are now resolved or no longer a struggle for you. So rather than bringing up an area that still feels raw, like a bad thing going on right now, you could share that time a few years ago when you were struggling and how you handled it and what you learned..

I have an assignment for you later related to that, but next hear from my colleague Jennifer Fry, CEO of Appreciated Asset Business Solutions. They create, build and fill sales pipelines for industry disruptors.

Jennifer

I think specifically as women, we've always been taught that vulnerability will be weaponized against us. And I think that our brains are wired for safety. And so the armor has kept us safe thus far, sure. It also hasn't allowed anyone to truly see you for who you are. So those relationships, those connections may not be as deep and solid as they could be if you'd show more of yourself. And that doesn't have to be oversharing. It is a balancing act. You don't need to share everything about your personal life to establish vulnerability. That's actually oversharing and not a great idea, 'cause you're trying to like, you know, trauma bond, that's not a great idea.

But being willing to be seen and know that you are worthy, imperfect. It's really important finding where you like yourself the most and where you show up most as who you are is where that vulnerability doesn't feel as scary, I think. So it's like a crossroads between vulnerability and, and self-love and just acceptance.

Beautifully said, Jennifer. I invited her and my clients to share today because I knew they would help me make these points, each in her own unique way. The corporate versions of me would not have done this, which leads me to the second feminine quality.

2. Welcome Collaboration. One major light bulb moment for me was realizing I needed to allow someone to help me in my business. My masculine side had like lone-wolf energy and resisted collaboration, thinking I had to do everything myself because of generational beliefs around self-reliance. You want it done right, do it yourself. But that just keeps you small and exhausted. And I want you to know, I'm not being self-referential and thinking that everyone is like me. I know they are. So many women consultants who come to work with me are doing way too much themselves.

I've talked in other episodes about the importance of having a team around you, having support around you. And team doesn't only mean employees, it means subcontractors who can go in with you on engagements, assistants to help you grow in your business, and people like referral partners or fellow masterminders to help you grow.

Another significant realization came when I noticed a pattern in my client relationships. I used to work short term only because as I told myself, I would get tired of them after a few months. But it wasn't boredom. It was a lack of coaching skills and fear of intimacy disguised as boredom. Back then, I was really good at telling people what to do, consulting, masculine, but not at supporting them, coaching, feminine. I didn't want to dig into the hard work where clients would be vulnerable as they struggled to do new things because I didn't want to be vulnerable myself. I didn't want to see vulnerability.

Growth happens when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. So over time, I learned to hold space with empathy and compassion for my clients and also for that part of myself. And now I have clients I've worked with for eight and 10 years, and most of my team has been with me that long. The deepest work I do with my clients is digging in and helping them through hard, messy, vulnerable stuff.

So raise your awareness. Where do you need help? And where can you help others, including your clients more deeply and completely?

An amazing collaborator, and team builder, my client, Patty Lawrence, is the founder and consulting CFO with Turbo Execs. She's been with me for over 10 years. Here's a bit of her experience.

Patty

Trust. Trust is one I've had to work on a lot. So it's trusting myself, trusting others because, in the corporate world, there's no trust. You're throwing people under the bus or you're getting thrown under the bus left and right, and there's no trust to be had anywhere. That was a big one for me. It was kind of a limiting belief, I can only trust myself. The only person out there that I can trust is myself.

It's like, wow, that's pretty profound. And a lot of people subscribe to that. And so I've had to undo, we all have right, undo a lot of, I want to say we get pretty effed up, right, in the corporate world, along the way and we have to get un-effed up, right? So we have to undo a lot of that trash, head trash and remove it. Time to take out the trash and really understand what it is that makes us perform at the highest levels that we can, not only in our businesses, but also just in life.

Well, I think the best way to get un-effed up is with this third big move towards the feminine point.

3. Trust Divine Guidance. Trust is fundamentally a feminine quality. It involves openness, receptivity, and the willingness to rely on external support or guidance. When my masculine energy was out of control post corporate, I just pushed myself to grow my business. Striving and driving myself was what I knew, and I was good at it, and it does get you somewhere. But more than once, it took me right back to burnout. I knew I had to do something different. Many times when we're fried and nothing is working, we just stop fighting and surrender.

Spiritual surrender is the belief that something outside yourself, whether you call it your higher self or God, or the universe, source energy or universal wisdom, oneness, love, something is there to guide and support you. The way we learn to trust divine guidance is by surrendering, by letting go of control and listening. I am much more attuned now to universal guidance. I receive insights and inspiration, even ideas, not from my ego, but from a deep, peaceful place. I've learned to trust that my business will grow by opening up and tuning into this wisdom I believe deeply, and the idea that the answers will come to me and they do.

How are things different when you trust that answers are coming to you? This approach is rooted in wonder and sensitivity. It allows for more organic and intuitive flow, but surrendering ways that used to work for you but don't anymore is hard, especially swapping out powerful activities like striving and grinding for more spiritual practices like meditating and praying, listening and reflecting, inviting and trusting. My successful clients all use those types of spiritual practices to keep them in touch with their intuition and connected to universal guidance.

Let's hear again from Jennifer on how she balances masculine and feminine and how it helps her trust the universe.

Jennifer

I think I've just recently learned how to balance those energies because I've recently recognized what they are and what they feel like in my body. Understanding that it's good to have that competitive edge, i's good to have that drive because oftentimes I feel like that's a big motivator. But also I don't even know if this would be called feminine energy, but I just have this full understanding that everything works out the way it's supposed to and that the universe has my back. And the problem with knowing that is that you don't get the same kind of ferociousness around closing deals because you just know the right ones are going to happen.

It's going to be easy and it will flow and that's the feminine. Once you kind of understand that and not just believe it, but truly know it, that it's always going to be better than you think. The source will always come through the way it should. It just may be a different channel. It's that knowledge that helps me get into the feminine 'cause that is all feminine to me.

Ah, she said my favorite thing, “it's going to be easy and it will flow.” So lovely. And next I want to share some examples from my clients to illustrate the impact of balancing masculine and feminine energies. First, let's hear again from Patty on her journey, from grind to flow.

Patty

I worked for manufacturing companies and most of the time I was in meetings and I was the only female in there. And to be myself, whew, hat's hard to do being surrounded by all that testosterone. Who is the authentic me? An it's been an evolution for me. It's been a journey for me to try to figure that out. So it's been investigating what is it like to be authentic, and how do I be authentic?

How do I be myself? How do I kind of reveal who I really am, and who I'm meant to be, in life, in work, doesn't really matter. So I started seeing things that I would align with and would feel right to me, things like pursuing flow – flow state. And being an athlete, I know what flow state is. And you as a writer, you get that, right? You understand what that flow state is. It's like, wow, you're just out there and you are just doing your best. You're operating at a level. You're unstoppable. And I'm like, I want more of that. So how do I get there?

And that's versus the grind, the masculine version of that is grind, right? Grind, grind, grind, grind, grind. And we know because we came from that, that's the corporate world. You grind every day, every day. You are just going to grind yourself, grind everybody else. And that doesn't feel right to me.

My client, D, just her first initial, works in tech startups. When we started working together, she was the family breadwinner while her husband got his business up and running. Our first accomplishment was closing an engagement for hundreds of thousands more than she usually charged, which required high stress negotiations. Her assertiveness and confidence, goal-driven attitude, competitiveness, all that makes her very effective in these hypermasculine environments. She coaches C-suites and companies that struggle with things like inclusivity and toxic bro culture. No surprise, Dee's superpower is helping these leaders develop empathy and dismantle unhealthy behaviors.

But her masculine energy also means that she can be hard on herself by, among other ways, maintaining a brutal schedule. So to balance that, she and I worked on a kind calendar with room, not just for work, family and sports, but also for creativity and especially reflection, just what she teaches her clients. We also scheduled quarterly retreats so she can get away from everything. Just one overnight per quarter.

L, one of my highest earning clients, was overworking herself constantly with short-term gigs and one-offs. Having been a single mom and still the breadwinner, she's used to carrying an outsized burden, but to reach the next level in her business, she had to approach things differently. I encouraged L to sacrifice short-term gains for long-term engagements. Yes, that meant turning down potential clients that only wanted short-term from her that felt risky, and it also entailed new behaviors. So to ease the transition, we roughly doubled her rates and lengthened the minimum she worked with clients. It's still a work in progress, but the shift is allowing her to grow more sustainably and is moving her towards a healthier work life balance.

Lastly, my client, M, and I totally connected over positive corporate experiences and the way those big brands served us. You do learn a lot about excellence in that intense environment. M was competitive and effective. She's super productive. But she would often resent her team when they weren't as good or they didn't work as hard or as much as she did. Through our work together, we focused on developing her people with support and patience, those feminine qualities.

I noticed her issue with her people not overworking like she did was really reflecting her need for self-care, so we made sure she took some time for it. M’s business has doubled since we started and is poised to do it again. I'm sure she would agree that balancing those energies will allow her to do it more sustainably.

There's a video making its way around social media of Sarah Blakely, who became the world's youngest, female, self-made billionaire at 41 with Spanx. In it, she challenges the belief that business is war. She's on Shark Tank with Mr. Wonderful, who says that, but it's not the first time men have said that to her.

Sara

When I first cut the feet out of my pantyhose, I was at a cocktail party and three men came up to me and said, you know, Sara, business is war. And I went home that night and I sat on the floor in my apartment and I was like, I don't wanna go to war. And I have not taken that approach and I've done it very differently. I have not been obsessed or focused on the competition and annihilating the competition. I have only been focused on my own quality. What can I offer that's the best and give value? 

She goes on to say, “I think people are now seeing these women reach this milestone. And what's cool about is that it's inspiring women, but I also think it's waking up the men in a way that allows them to get in touch with the feminine energy in them, which is part of their superpower. It's giving this permission in the workplace and in corporate America that maybe that's not a weakness. Maybe the feminine is actually a strength and needs to be harnessed and have a voice at the table.” Let me assure you, the feminine is a strength.

Now, let's invite your feminine to contribute more deeply to your business by looking at some coaching questions.

First: Where in your work is your masculine energy out of balance? You've heard all kinds of examples. You've heard about pushing yourself or being hard on others. Where can you do less and focus more on receiving, collaborating, or sharing?

Next question: Where in your business do you need help and where can you help others, including your clients more deeply and completely? Who can you work with for more ease?

Third question: Can you recall a time when you followed your intuition or a sense of higher guidance and what was the result?

EXERCISE: And for a journal prompt, think about a time when you used your masculine energy and behaviors effectively And think about a time when you used your feminine energy and it’s behaviors effectively. Observe what comes up for you.

ASSIGNMENT: I mentioned earlier I had a practice assignment for you with vulnerability. I want you to write a p ost for LinkedIn in which you share a difficult experience or challenge you overcame and what you learned from it, and be sure to mention how you felt and why it was hard for you.

We've covered a lot today, and I hope we have opened your mind to the many ways that the feminine can show up in your business and help you to be more balanced and more effective.

If you'd like to pursue this more balanced way of working with me and other women consultants and female founders, message me to find out how I can help. Visit SamanthaHartley.com/Super to contact me. And with that, I am wishing you a profitable and joyful consulting business.

Thanks for listening. As a thank you for being a part of my community, I’m sharing free, exclusive resources to help expand your consulting business. Head to samanthahartley.com/super to access bonus content and tools from the show. Fro a complete transcript of this episode and all Profitable Joyful Consulting episodes, visit samanthahartley.com.