Why does my teen seem so moody?

[00:00:00]Marie Vakakis: Hello. Then welcome to this complex life today. Unpacking a question that many parents struggle with. Why does my team seem so moody?

[00:00:07]Marie Vakakis: If you've been met with eye rolls, slammed doors or emotional outbursts, it can feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells. moodiness in teens is not just about being difficult. It's part of a much bigger picture. And I actually don't like saying moody because I think it can really set someone up to fail.

[00:00:24]Marie Vakakis: If we see adolescents as being moody and erratic and unpredictable and emotional, it's really, really dismissive and really, really invalidating.

[00:00:32]Marie Vakakis: So let's try and understand what's happening. Teenage years are a time of rapid change. Like so much is happening. Hormones are fluctuating. The brains are still developing. They're navigating social pressures and independent, and this can often lead to emotional ups and downs that are really common during this phase of life.

[00:00:50]Marie Vakakis: I'm going to talk about some of the reasons behind this behavior from brain development and hormone shifts to the constant tug of war of wanting freedom while still needing support. And it's not all about hormones. teens can feel a whole bunch of feelings and they're still actually figuring out how to regulate those feelings.

[00:01:05]Marie Vakakis: It could be overwhelm, it could be anxiety. It could be a lot of things. There's chores. There's constant reminders. There's pressures. There's changes. There's school there's deadlines. As sports has academic achievement. There's part-time jobs as friendship stuff, family stuff. World news. I mean, there's a lot happening and they might react by withdrawing or getting defensive. When people ask them way too many questions or they feel like they're, maybe they're getting it wrong.

[00:01:30]Marie Vakakis: That no matter what they do is just not good enough to actually there's a lot going on for them. We're going to explore how to balance giving them space to grow or being there for them and helping them develop some emotional regulation skills and finding ways to reduce those high pressure tension food moments at home. And it's all about understanding what's behind those feelings and learning how to respond in a way that supports them. And educates them.

[00:01:53]

[00:01:53]Marie Vakakis: Now, this is. One of the episodes I've done for the series that I'm working on. And if you have a question that you would like answered on the podcast, there'll be a link in the show notes. Feel free to send me a question. I'll do my best to answer it on an episode.

[00:02:05]Marie Vakakis: Now I love working with teens. I think it is such an oh. Beautiful age to be able to do some really good work. And I've worked with hundreds of teams across a number of settings, and I think they're absolutely great. And. Let me send a stood very much so, so I'm hoping some of these episodes will bring the attention to. Bring attention to some of the things that they're struggling with or going through. And give parents a little bit of perspective.

[00:02:32]Marie Vakakis: So that you can have the relationship that you want. And if you want to have a more connected relationship with them, you can check out my connected teens course that's available on demand and there's a link to that in the show notes. So what is happening for teenagers? There are normal developmental changes and this includes hormonal changes, brain development. Social psychological.

[00:02:50]Marie Vakakis: There is a lot happening in there. Teens might experience significant hormone fluctuations. Well, it's not, might they do. They experienced significant hormone fluctuations, which can impact their mood.

[00:03:01]Marie Vakakis: And it leads to a lot of change and that alone can be disruptive. There's brain development. They're still developing. The areas of the brain that control emotions and impulse regulation. And that can lead to some heightened, emotional reactions. And if you respond to those in a way that's negative, you'll either suppress it or you might get a bigger reaction.

[00:03:21]Marie Vakakis: So they haven't learned yet. Necessarily how to share how they're feeling and articulate that well, so it just comes out. It can kind of feel like it's bubbling over or like a volcano that erupted and it can come out of nowhere or it seems like that, but sometimes it does and they don't know why. And they don't understand and simply asking them what's wrong with you or what happened or how are you feeling?

[00:03:43]Marie Vakakis: They might not know.

[00:03:43]Marie Vakakis: But they're still feeling all their feelings. And there could be some challenges with social pressure, navigating friendships, peer relationships. In a potential romantic interest, understanding their sex, their sexuality, their gender identity, what they like, what they don't like, who they are, what their values are. That's [00:04:00] really a lot.

[00:04:00]Marie Vakakis: That's a lot to deal with. , and that could be contributing to some of those changes in mood that went we might see. They can also be some pressure from parents. And I've yet to meet a teen who didn't care what their parents thought of them. They might not show it, but they definitely care. And they might feel pressured to perform well in school or sports or other activities.

[00:04:20]Marie Vakakis: They might feel that they're not doing a good enough job that they're letting their parents down. That they're not. Enough of something and that's really devastating for a lot of them. And you can see how that might make you feel. Really. Disconnected or sad or overwhelmed. They might. Interpret constant reminders about school work or chores as nagging, which can lead to frustration or withdrawal. And so out of nowhere you might ask a question like, oh, have you done your homework?

[00:04:47]Marie Vakakis: And they might have this big burst of emotion you thinking what just happened, but for them, that might be. The 20th thing that someone has said to them that day that's made them feel like they're just not good enough or they've forgotten something. So they have these internal dialogues, these internal conversations that they're trying to figure out for themselves.

[00:05:05]Marie Vakakis: And so sometimes what seems like it comes out of nowhere. If we dismiss it as, oh, they're just being moody. We miss an opportunity to understand what's really happening or reflect on how was that question asked. Was the timing, right. Was my tone. Right? Does it feel critical? Did it feel micromanaging? And that can play a role in this as well.

[00:05:24]Marie Vakakis: We know that generally teens have a little bit more of a sensitivity to feeling criticized.

[00:05:29]Marie Vakakis: So it's very important to watch how some of those words are said and how some of those questions are asked because they can feel overwhelmed by long lists of tasks, responsibility, and expectation. If they're feeling nagged. That could feel critical to them. Okay. So constant reminders or criticism about the same issues. Can make them feel misunderstood. They can feel irritable and they might interpret it as not being trusted or valued.

[00:05:54]Marie Vakakis: And that can result in, you know, Uh, bigger emotional displays of withdrawal or sadness or sulking until they haven't quite figured out what to do with this yet.

[00:06:05]Marie Vakakis: Another one of my favorite. , I guess cautions is too many questions. And I talk about these in a number of different ways is they need some space to process their thoughts and emotions. And when parents ask too many questions, especially at the wrong time, it can feel like an interrogation leaving them frustrated and defensive. And he didn't think he'd come home from school.

[00:06:29]Marie Vakakis: You're tired. Maybe you had to deal with. All this noise and smells and sounds and books and lockers and laptops and all this stuff happening at school. And you get home and we've had kept public transport. You know, you might be really hungry. There's all this stuff happening to get home. And I was like, how was your day?

[00:06:43]Marie Vakakis: What did you do? What did you learn? Why aren't you talking to me? He never talked to me and the questions just start. And they're just overwhelmed from the moment they've walked in the house. So sometimes too many questions can leave there, feeling frustrated and defensive. And they might respond poorly to those questions because they're not, they're not regulated yet.

[00:07:02]Marie Vakakis: They've already had a day where they're feeling overstimulated. And that's just a little bit too much. So the timing of when you ask those questions is really important. So be it. Caring. Great. It's great that you're concerned about their dates. Great. That you want to know what's happening. But the tone. The moment. Openness, all of those things, how you have those conversations is really important.

[00:07:26]Marie Vakakis: And I have an episode called why won't my teen. Talk to me after school or why doesn't my teen talking about the school. Put a link to that in the show notes. So you can check it out and save that offers a little bit of extra tips for you there. So how do we balance independence and connection? That's the million dollar question, right?

[00:07:42]Marie Vakakis: This is the thing that I really want parents to be focusing on. And it's the basis of. A lot of the work that I do, and especially my connected teens program. It's trying to balance this. Natural progression of seeking or independence. And family connection. And we want to [00:08:00] recognize that. That being stifled or feeling like someone's hovering over, you can lead to different feelings, stirring things.

[00:08:08]Marie Vakakis: So you might want to try something, but you know, you need help at some point, or there's a bit of autonomy here, but some responsibility that comes with it that you might not like there's. I want to give this a go, but my parents won't let me. And there's this tug of war. This push pull between growing up. Wanting independence, wanting autonomy. And needing some support, some reassurance, having someone there when you maybe get it wrong or fall over there's dignity of risk and being allowed to get things wrong. And having someone safe and reliable to come to when it doesn't go right.

[00:08:40]Marie Vakakis: And this is a tension between wanting space and needing reassurance, and it can lead to a lot of big emotions, especially if you're feeling frustrated or misunderstood.

[00:08:49]Marie Vakakis: So how do we help manage some of those emotions? Their emotional regulation skills are still developing. They might struggle to cope with frustration, disappointment, or stress. And to someone who is looking from the outside that might seem like it's mood swings or irritability or shut down, but they're still figuring this out. So I want to encourage you to model healthy regulation yourself.

[00:09:14]Marie Vakakis: So they can't be what they can't see. So look looking to you as a source of role modeling is really important. So if you can navigate your emotions, if you can label them, if you can talk about. I'm just going to take a moment because I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and nothing I say is going to be helpful or. Let's have this conversation a little bit late.

[00:09:35]Marie Vakakis: I'm feeling a bit frustrated and I don't. Say things the way. I mean them, when I'm frustrated, you starting to role model that and owning that. Gives them some language to use and they follow that away and this needs to happen over and over and over again, so they can learn that language. So keep that in mind, how you respond to your own emotions is important. When you're responding to their emotions. I want you to use emotion, coaching steps, so see opportunities for connection. Rather than criticism.

[00:10:04]Marie Vakakis: Okay. So connect rather than criticised connect rather than correct. Don't try and fix things. Don't jump in with solutions. Just say it looks like you've had a tough day. And that might be it. I'd be pretty pissed off too. If that happened. That might be, yeah. So name how they're feeling. Try and let that just sit there. Validate what they say.

[00:10:27]Marie Vakakis: You don't have to agree with. It doesn't have to be your truth, but for them that's how it felt. And that deserves validation. Don't try and talk them out of it. Or you shouldn't feel that way. Or I wouldn't have felt that way or blah, blah, blah. Validate what they are going through.

[00:10:42]Marie Vakakis: Avoid nagging and overloading.

[00:10:43]Marie Vakakis: So instead of peppering them with lots of questions and nagging, trying to approach conversations calmly, and with empathy, maybe ask one or two open questions and give them time to respond with that pressure.

[00:10:55]Marie Vakakis: And create space. Give them space when they need it and let them know you're available and they want to talk, encourage open communication, but don't force it. Sometimes they do need to process things before they're ready to talk. So it is a constant balance. Between all of these different competing things. Hopefully you found that helpful.

[00:11:15]Marie Vakakis: And if you have a question that you would like answered on the podcast, Getting touched. You can email me, you can send me an anonymous form on the website, Marie Vakakis: .com.au . You or there is a link in the show notes. I would love to hear from you. [00:12:00]