1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:18,400 Hello listeners, welcome to Social Skills Coaching on this beautiful May 7th, 2025, where you become more likeable, more charismatic and more productive. 2 00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:23,840 Today's featured book is How to Engage, Connect and Captivate. 3 00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:32,960 Become the social presence you've always wanted to be, small talk, meaningful communication and deep connections by Patrick King. 4 00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:37,320 So, if you're looking to up your social game, this book has caught you covered. 5 00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:47,800 Patrick King's guide is a comprehensive toolkit offering insights on how to navigate small talk like a pro and build deep connections effortlessly. 6 00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:53,880 It's an essential read for anyone wanting to boost their charisma and make a lasting impression. 7 00:00:53,880 --> 00:01:00,480 Today's episode specifically is Master the Art of Small Talk and Deep Connections. 8 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:05,320 In this episode, we explore Chapter 2 of Patrick King's book. 9 00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:14,360 We'll discover powerful strategies to enhance your social presence and transform mundane conversations into meaningful connections. 10 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:25,320 We'll learn why reading out loud is an essential practice for improving communication skills and how choosing a role model can inspire your own charisma. 11 00:01:25,320 --> 00:01:35,800 We'll uncover the secret to crafting captivating stories from everyday life experiences and discuss practical ways to pump up your conversation resume. 12 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:37,640 Don't miss this insightful episode. 13 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:45,880 Take control of your interpersonal relationships and become the confident, engaging presence you've always wanted to be. 14 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:54,720 Get ready to embark on a journey towards more fulfilling connections. 15 00:01:54,720 --> 00:02:00,840 There’s more to conversation than thinking off the cuff and creating witty banter out of nothing at all. 16 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:04,840 Very few of us are capable of doing that on a consistent basis. 17 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:11,920 What’s far more sustainable, easy, and practical is preparing for a conversation beforehand. 18 00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:24,320 This means almost front-loading what you’re going to say, which has two benefits—one, you’re ready and able to respond in conversations, and two, you’re probably more comfortable because you feel prepared. 19 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:29,880 But to be clear, you’re not preparing for particular conversations like they are job interviews—rather, you are priming yourself to be able to shine in social exchanges in general. 20 00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:31,880 There’s a distinct difference between the two. 21 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:34,320 We’ve already seen that trying too hard to be the cool guy can have the opposite effect. 22 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:37,640 Rather, being prepared is like turning up to an exercise class wearing trainers and sweatpants. 23 00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:43,400 You might not know exactly what exercise you’ll be doing that day, but by being dressed appropriately, you’re ready to respond more spontaneously to whatever happens. 24 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:47,720 Good conversation is like that—you come prepared, but not necessarily with a script written in stone. 25 00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:50,320 Don’t worry about appearing forced or tackling the problem in a serious and overly formal way. 26 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:55,560 Though it might seem counterintuitive, preparing well and making deliberate efforts to perform better in natural conversation can actually make you more spontaneous and relaxed. 27 00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:57,720 When you prepare for conversations, you’ll find being witty much easier. 28 00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:03,240 So, the first step to witty banter and small talk is to get ready psychologically—so you’re not caught with your pants down in meeting someone new. 29 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:04,800 What exactly does this mean? 30 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:09,640 Think about when you just wake up and your voice is gravelly and incomprehensible. 31 00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:13,840 Your thoughts are unorganized and swirling, and anything that comes out of your mouth is likely to be responded to with a “. 32 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:13,840 . 33 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:13,840 . 34 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:14,280 what did you say?” 35 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:17,800 When you’re only half-awake, you’re caught off guard when you have to respond to anything, and you have a lack of focus and awareness. 36 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,720 This is our social status quo—how we normally move through and navigate the world. 37 00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:25,040 So, warming up mentally is about beginning to stretch and gingerly flex our social muscles so we’re ready for action. 38 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:29,680 If you’re out at a bar or networking event, you only have one shot at making the right impression. 39 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:32,840 If you fall flat on your face, as will inevitably happen from time to time, guess what? 40 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:34,640 That was your one shot at the goal—will you make the most of it? 41 00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:37,400 Recall that as children, we were always admonished to never talk to strangers. 42 00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:42,120 This well-meaning instruction might have served us well in our childhood, when we were likely to be gullible prey to sly criminals. 43 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:44,560 Stranger danger was a real thing to be avoided. 44 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:50,840 In public places, we plug our ears with headphones and glue our faces to our phones, preferring to keep our interactions with people we don’t know to the bare minimum. 45 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:53,840 But is this habit still serving us well? 46 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:57,680 Likely not if our goal is to become better at conversation and charm. 47 00:03:57,680 --> 00:04:03,840 We should quickly let go of this tendency because, as adults, it only serves to keep us isolated from others. 48 00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:11,120 It locks us in a social prison of our own making, and it keeps us socially cold for occasions when we need to be on. 49 00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:17,120 At the very least, it leaves us woefully unprepared for engaging with people, exposed as if we were ambushed in the middle of the night. 50 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:33,720 A 2014 study by Epley and Schroeder divided commuters on trains and buses into three groups—the first was instructed to interact with a stranger near them, the second to keep to themselves, and the third to commute as normal. 51 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:42,200 Even though participants in each group predicted feeling more positive if they kept to themselves, the outcome of the experiment was the opposite. 52 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:50,320 At the end of their ride, the group of commuters who connected with a stranger reported a more positive experience than those who remained disconnected. 53 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:56,480 It seems we believe that only awkwardness will ensue with a stranger, when instead an unexpected connection creates good vibrations. 54 00:04:56,480 --> 00:05:07,000 In support of the above findings, another study by Sandstrom and Dunn (2013) revealed how being our usual, efficiency-driven selves while buying our daily cup of coffee is robbing us of an opportunity to be happier. 55 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:18,240 While we routinely rush through the transaction without so much as a smile, the study found that people who smiled and engaged in a brief conversation with the barista experienced more positive feelings than those who stuck to the impersonal, efficient approach. 56 00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:19,320 These studies have two main findings. 57 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:24,360 First, we tend to think or assume we’re better off keeping to ourselves than having short interactions with strangers. 58 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:26,080 Second, we’re wrong about the first point. 59 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:36,280 The simple act of engaging people in short bursts has been shown to make us happier and more inclined to be social, and it will also help us mentally and psychologically warm up to be our best in conversations and small talk no matter the context. 60 00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:37,440 There seems to be a question of inertia. 61 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:43,200 As we go through our days, we’re typically a little caught up in our own heads, or distracted with whatever we’re doing. 62 00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:45,520 It’s as though the default setting is to be turned “off” socially. 63 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:47,040 What does this tell us? 64 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:57,720 That if we want to become more sociable, master the art of conversation, make more friends, or simply be that person who can easily make people laugh and like them, then we need to find a way to move ourselves out of this antisocial mode. 65 00:05:57,720 --> 00:06:04,920 We need to become more comfortable and skilled at being “on” socially—a bit like a well-trained athlete might find it easier to start running than someone who hasn’t run for years! 66 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:15,080 We need to engage in more short interactions—or what researcher Steven Handel calls “ten-second relationships”—with others, because they have the potential to boost our moods, change our perspectives, and warm us up socially. 67 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:18,640 It’s as though these interactions keep the social engagement engine running. 68 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:26,680 If you’re out of practice, small interactions like this might seem pointless or even aggravating, but remember, you might be completely biased and incorrect in this belief. 69 00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:32,560 Also remember that even if you crave “big talk” with people, you inevitably have to move through the smaller talk first. 70 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:45,880 Of course, though we may now recognize the benefits of short interactions, it’s still understandable how the thought of striking up a conversation with a total stranger may be uninviting or even repulsive to those of us who aren’t social butterflies. 71 00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:52,520 We feel ill-equipped to engage in fruitful social interactions, so we prefer the loneliness of keeping to ourselves. 72 00:06:52,520 --> 00:07:03,880 But if this is your knee-jerk response to approaching people cold or striking up conversations with strangers, just remind yourself that you have a natural bias to assume that you prefer keeping to yourself. 73 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:09,240 You can probably recall a situation where you were glad you reached out and engaged with someone, even if you were reluctant at first. 74 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:15,320 A lot of people hate small talk simply because shifting gears into socializing mode can feel awkward or uncomfortable. 75 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:19,800 But they forget that, once warmed up, the benefits far outweigh the initial costs. 76 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,480 It’s a bit like exercise in the morning. 77 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:32,640 Sure, it takes your muscles time to warm up, but you soon start to enjoy yourself, and gain the benefits of physical activity. 78 00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:37,960 How do we counter our natural tendency to avoid small interactions and warm ourselves up for routinely conversing with others? 79 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:45,440 How do we get into the habit of being interested in people and build enough social confidence so we can turn that interest into meaningful interactions? 80 00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:49,200 Well, that’s part of the logic behind only trying for ten-second interactions. 81 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:50,760 It’s practice! 82 00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:54,760 And what you practice will become easier and more natural with time. 83 00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:57,800 Hey, you can make it one second (Hello there!) 84 00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,360 or five seconds (Hi, how’s your day going? 85 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:02,320 Great to hear, bye!) 86 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:04,320 depending on your level of comfort. 87 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:06,200 But keep the goal small and stay consistent. 88 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:10,040 Wondering where to find willing subjects for your small talk practice? 89 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:13,080 Luckily, they’re all around you. 90 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:19,400 You constantly encounter multiple opportunities for warming up to interactions and building your social confidence. 91 00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,440 For instance, think of your typical day. 92 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:29,800 On your way to work, how many people do you spend at least some time ignoring, whether those you pass by on the street, sit with on your commute, or stand beside in elevators? 93 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:33,920 Greet at least one of those people with “Good morning” and offer either a compliment (“Nice coat. 94 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:36,080 The fabric looks cozy.”), an observation (“The sky’s cloudless today. 95 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:40,440 Looks like the showers are letting up.”), or a question (“I see you’re reading John Grisham. 96 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:41,160 Which of his novels is your favorite?”). 97 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:43,400 For lunch, do you eat solo, hunched over your work desk? 98 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:48,400 Try instead to spend your lunch hour someplace with shared seating, such as your office pantry or a nearby picnic area. 99 00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:57,880 Sit beside a colleague you always see in your building yet never got the chance to talk to, and get the conversation rolling by asking about recent company events (“I heard your department is starting a new leg of research. 100 00:08:57,880 --> 00:08:58,920 How’s it going?”). 101 00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:04,120 Finally, as you pick up groceries on your way home, chat with another shopper mulling over products in the same grocery aisle you’re in (“I saw this sauce in an online recipe. 102 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:04,920 Have you tried cooking with it?”). 103 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:09,360 At the checkout counter, smile and greet the cashier (“How’s your shift going so far?”). 104 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:14,920 This segment of society is especially suited to help you practice and warm up—in fact, they don’t really have much of a choice. 105 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:16,240 Baristas. 106 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:17,200 Cab drivers. 107 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:17,480 Cashiers. 108 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:18,480 The grocery bag boy. 109 00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:18,960 Waiters. 110 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:19,120 Doormen. 111 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:19,600 Valets. 112 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:20,720 You get the picture! 113 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:25,880 Their job performance depends on their customer service skills, and if they want to keep their jobs, they have to be courteous to you. 114 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:33,120 This alone should eliminate the fear you have of crashing and burning in any social interaction, because, well, it’s their job to prevent that and probably laugh at your jokes. 115 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:39,960 You’ll see that crashing and burning is never really that bad, and people move on quickly—they’ll probably forget the interaction within the next ten minutes. 116 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:43,640 There’s also typically a captive audience behind the store counter or cash register. 117 00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:51,960 These employees are usually stuck being stationary in a position for long periods of time, and for those who have held the above jobs… you know that it’s not the most thrilling life. 118 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:57,080 Most of the time, they are bored out of their minds, so having someone engage them will be a positive experience for them. 119 00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,760 You will make their day pass faster and just give them something to do. 120 00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:07,320 You might be the only one to treat them with respect and show actual interest in them as a person, which would undoubtedly make you the highlight of their day. 121 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:10,480 In other words, they’ll be glad to talk to you. 122 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:17,480 With service people, you can test different stories, reactions, phrases, greetings, facial expressions, and so on. 123 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:19,400 It’s a low-risk way to test the waters. 124 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:27,240 Unless you offend them in a deeply personal way, these people will still be courteous to you, but you can gauge how positive their reactions are to all of your tactics to know what works best. 125 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:31,240 You can continuously improve and hone your skills. 126 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:33,440 You can witness your progress with future interactions. 127 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:39,040 As you see their reactions change, you can fine-tune what you're doing and keep stepping up your game. 128 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:46,600 Essentially, you’re in a safe environment to practice and polish your social skills without fear of any judgment or consequences. 129 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:50,480 More than that, you can learn to read people, process their signals, and calibrate your interactions to different types of people. 130 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:55,040 This is a process that takes trial and error, but you can speed it up exponentially by engaging with the people you come across. 131 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:58,880 Even if you do put your foot in it somehow, chances are the interaction is over quickly and the fallout minimal. 132 00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:05,200 So, make it a goal to initiate and create a ten-second interaction with a stranger each day, and especially on the way to functions, events, and parties. 133 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:08,480 This will warm you up for conversation and build the habit of being interested in people. 134 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:09,760 Reading Out Loud 135 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:09,760 136 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:19,800 Think of it this way: conversation is a bit like a race, and you have to warm up and prepare yourself accordingly (or pull the proverbial muscle and have to drop out . 137 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:19,800 . 138 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:19,800 . 139 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:19,800 ). 140 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:24,400 When we want our best race, whether athletic or academic, we always engage in some type of warm-up. 141 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:31,560 It’s almost common sense at this point that you need to prime your body and mind to the kind of performance that you want. 142 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:34,000 Runners stretch, singers sing scales. 143 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,200 What about people engaging in conversation? 144 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:45,440 Well, you might be surprised by how much your speaking muscles need help and how much getting them in shape can make you instantly more charismatic. 145 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:55,240 Recall back in grade school when you weren’t paying attention, the teacher called on you, and you had to spend five seconds clearing your throat while still sounding meek and awkward because you weren’t prepared. 146 00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:58,880 That’s what we are seeking to eliminate, as well as imbue you with a sense of confidence. 147 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:05,520 To warm up your conversation skills, you just need to do something we’ve done almost every day in our lives: read out loud. 148 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:12,440 It sounds simple, but reading out loud this time will be different from any other time you’ve previously done it because now, you will have a purpose. 149 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:20,080 I’ve provided an excerpt from the Wizard of Oz, which is in the public domain, for those copyright police out there. 150 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:25,960 If this doesn’t pique your interest, you can feel free to find your own excerpt. 151 00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:31,760 Just try to make sure there is a multitude of emotions included, preferably with dialogue from different characters. 152 00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:32,480 Here it is: 153 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:32,480 154 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:38,840 After climbing down from the china wall the travelers found themselves in a disagreeable country, full of bogs and marshes and covered with tall, rank grass. 155 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:44,360 It was difficult to walk without falling into muddy holes, for the grass was so thick that it hid them from sight. 156 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:46,080 However, by carefully picking their way, they got safely along until they reached solid ground. 157 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:53,680 But here the country seemed wilder than ever, and after a long and tiresome walk through the underbrush they entered another forest, where the trees were bigger and older than any they had ever seen. 158 00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:58,880 “This forest is perfectly delightful,” declared the Lion, looking around him with joy. 159 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:01,160 “Never have I seen a more beautiful place.” 160 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:01,160 161 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,360 “It seems gloomy,” said the Scarecrow. 162 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:04,880 “Not a bit of it,” answered the Lion. 163 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:06,480 “I should like to live here all my life. 164 00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:12,200 See how soft the dried leaves are under your feet and how rich and green the moss is that clings to these old trees. 165 00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:13,760 Surely no wild beast could wish a pleasanter home.” 166 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:13,760 167 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:16,240 “Perhaps there are wild beasts in the forest now,” said Dorothy. 168 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:19,920 “I suppose there are,” returned the Lion, “but I do not see any of them about.” 169 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:19,920 170 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:24,400 They walked through the forest until it became too dark to go any farther. 171 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:32,040 Dorothy and Toto and the Lion lay down to sleep, while the Woodman and the Scarecrow kept watch over them as usual. 172 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:33,760 Seems like an easy task, right? 173 00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:36,880 Go ahead and try to read the above excerpt out loud to yourself. 174 00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:38,080 Don’t be shy. 175 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:43,480 If you actually did it, you’ll notice that you do literally feel warmed up and readier to keep speaking and conversing after just using your vocal cords for a bit. 176 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:45,280 Vocal cords are, after all, muscles too. 177 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:46,000 But that’s just the beginning. 178 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,400 Now comes the instruction. 179 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:49,720 Pretend like you are reading the excerpt out loud to a class of second graders. 180 00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:56,240 Read the excerpt like you’re giving a performance in a contest, and the winner is judged on how emotional and ridiculous they can be! 181 00:13:56,240 --> 00:14:00,880 Pretend you’re a voice actor for a movie trailer and you have only your voice to get a wide range of emotion across. 182 00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:06,240 Go over the top as much as possible—which, granted, won’t be much at first. 183 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,840 Exaggerate every emotion you can find to the tenth degree. 184 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:09,800 Scream parts of it loudly while whispering softly in other parts. 185 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,960 Use different and zany voices for different characters. 186 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:13,880 Here’s your chance to try some accents out. 187 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:16,400 Make any laughter maniacal, make any rage boiling, make any happiness manic—you get the idea. 188 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:18,840 For that matter, what emotions are you picking up in the text? 189 00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:22,120 Even in such a short excerpt, there are emotional high and low points. 190 00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:28,440 Find them, or create them, and make them sound like climaxes to stretch your range of emotion. 191 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:30,800 Pay attention to your voice tonality. 192 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:32,360 Are you accustomed to using a monotone? 193 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:36,520 Would someone be able to tell what the character or narrator is thinking or trying to convey by listening to you? 194 00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:40,840 Use the excerpt to practice your range of vocal expressiveness—try to embody the term emotional diversity. 195 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:47,120 Go ahead and try it for the second time with all this newfound instruction (preferably while alone unless you don’t mind getting some serious side eye). 196 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:48,000 Did you hear a difference? 197 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:52,160 Here is some additional instruction: pay attention to your diction and how you enunciate. 198 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:53,840 Your tongue, too, is a muscle. 199 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:57,560 In a sense, you are literally warming your tongue up so you don’t stutter or stumble on your words when you talk to others. 200 00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:02,880 This is another reason to have an excerpt with dialogue—the more diversity of the text you are reading, the better warmed up you will be. 201 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:08,360 If you have the habit of muttering like a curmudgeon, put a stop to it and make sure you are speaking and articulating your words as clear as a bell. 202 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:09,080 Pay attention to your breathing. 203 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,280 Do you feel like you’re running out of breath? 204 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:14,280 It’s because your diaphragm is weak and not used to projecting or sounding confident. 205 00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:19,200 That’s the reason singers put their hands on their stomachs—it’s to check that their diaphragms are engaged. 206 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:23,160 Try it and make sure that your stomach is taut and tight. 207 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,280 Sit up straight and open up your body. 208 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:31,000 Picture the breath in your lungs feeding the words coming from your mouth and play around with how to control its release gradually. 209 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:34,080 The point here is to literally breathe life into the words that you are speaking. 210 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:38,920 Those who speak without their diaphragm inevitably come off as quiet, meek, and mouse-like. 211 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:42,120 Running out of air at the end of a sentence can signal anxiety—or make your listeners anxious on your behalf. 212 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:46,840 But the better you can project your voice, the wider the emotional range you can create. 213 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:52,120 Another key element of how you say something is, of course, your pacing—the speed at which you talk. 214 00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:55,760 Your speaking speed can either be your friend or undermine what you’re trying to say. 215 00:15:55,760 --> 00:16:03,680 Rate of speech can imply an emotion all by itself—for instance, when making a big point, you should slow down your pace to allow the impact to be felt. 216 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:11,680 If you use the wrong speed or your pacing is off, a lot of what you have to say can easily be lost or confused and misinterpreted. 217 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:15,400 Rushing can make you seem stressed or unconfident, speaking to slow will likely bore people. 218 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:20,440 But just the right pauses here and there can add real depth and nuance to the way you’re perceived. 219 00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:22,800 Ready to read through the excerpt one more time? 220 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:28,600 Try again, but this time, make sure you’re utilizing everything you just read about breath, pace, and tone. 221 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:31,200 Now compare your third version to the first version you did without any instruction. 222 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:34,640 That’s the difference between warming yourself up and not, and most likely. 223 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:38,280 Importantly, the first version is how you’re probably coming across the vast majority of the time. 224 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:39,200 Potentially flat or weak. 225 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:45,160 Hopefully, this exercise has illustrated to you just how much of a difference you can make with warming up alone. 226 00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:50,600 The added bonus is that while you are feeling silly and over the top, you are actually stretching your limits in terms of emotional and vocal expressiveness. 227 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:57,760 The simple act of getting out of your comfort zone, even in private, will stretch your boundaries and make you more expressive and confident sounding in general. 228 00:16:57,760 --> 00:16:59,040 All this from reading out loud? 229 00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:01,000 Yes, if done with purpose and deliberation! 230 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:03,400 Choose a Role Model 231 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:03,400 232 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:10,000 No matter how charismatic or charming you feel you are, you probably started with a role model in mind—even just a general picture of who you wanted to be. 233 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:15,960 I make no secret of the fact that I treat Will Smith’s character from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air as my role model. 234 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:25,760 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air was a television show that ran from 1990-1996 and lives on through constant reruns. 235 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:33,320 Seeing that show and the main character was one of the first instances where I took notice of how someone interacted differently with people, and I wanted to create that feeling too. 236 00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:34,320 So why the Fresh Prince? 237 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:38,040 To me, he is simply the epitome of a charismatic personality. 238 00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:48,640 He says what he wants, is amazingly likeable, is comfortable being the center of attention, is confident to the point of being arrogant, can verbally spar with anyone, and is flat-out hilarious. 239 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:54,880 Because of how much people like him and his presence, he gets away with far more than he should be able to, and can generally use charm to shape his life. 240 00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:55,760 It was amazing. 241 00:17:55,760 --> 00:18:09,920 Of course, I knew it was a television show and people were scripted to react to him with positivity, but you can give the same script to one hundred people and ninety-nine of them won’t come close to the delivery and presence Will Smith had. 242 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:16,240 Again, I knew it was a television show, but it still felt realistic in how charisma like that would affect people in a positive manner. 243 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:23,840 When I was first starting to diligently figure out the kind of person I wanted to evolve into, the Fresh Prince was an important concept for me. 244 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:34,000 Since he embodied many of the things I wanted, I was able to grow, albeit sometimes in a forced and artificial way, closer to my personal ideal simply by asking myself one question: 245 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:34,000 246 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:35,840 What would the Fresh Prince do? 247 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:41,720 The next technique we’ll look at is how you can ask what your charismatic role model would do in any social situation. 248 00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:42,360 I know, it’s a little cheesy. 249 00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:52,640 You might feel like you are doing a pale imitation at first, but soon you will find your true voice as a synthesis of your personality and what elements from your role model suit you—that’s why this chapter is about finding your role model, and not just using mine. 250 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:56,080 Putting yourself in someone’s shoes has a surprising number of benefits for growing your sense of charisma. 251 00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:59,120 It’s a powerful question to ask yourself for a few reasons. 252 00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:02,960 First, asking what your role model would do in that particular social situation diverts your attention from the situation at hand. 253 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:11,360 When we are too focused on a situation, it is too personal, or we are too invested, it suddenly becomes very difficult to make a decision because the stakes seem so high, and the consequences seem so large. 254 00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:17,720 For example, it’s near impossible for us to abide by the amazing advice we dole out to our friends because we can’t assess our own situations objectively. 255 00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:25,080 It’s far easier to give advice, act, and even be charismatic when we are detached from the outcome and can think about it without fear or anxiety playing a part. 256 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:32,600 In other words, when you divert your attention from yourself and onto your role model, you remove a lot of the social pressure that keeps you from saying what you really want to, or acting in a way that you are scared to. 257 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:41,120 Viewing social situations through an objective, relatively impersonal perspective by framing it through someone else will allow you to analyze the social situation you are in and calibrate your next move. 258 00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:53,840 The more you ask yourself this question, the more habitual and second nature it will become, which is positive because you will essentially be able to condition yourself in the heat of the moment to act reflexively. 259 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:59,840 Second, having a charisma role model (or three) in mind allows you to understand how you actually want to be. 260 00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:04,360 For instance, perhaps you want to develop more confidence and be more outspoken in social situations. 261 00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:09,160 In that case, you might ask yourself what someone like Robert Downey, Jr. would do. 262 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:18,440 For another trait you want to develop—for example, a razor-sharp sense of wit and humor—perhaps you could ask yourself what Conan O’Brien would do (again, these are just my examples, you might have completely different people in mind). 263 00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:23,280 Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, and has a different conception of how they want to be perceived. 264 00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:29,560 Not everyone fits the extrovert ideal of magnetic charisma, and that’s perfectly fine. 265 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:33,440 Not everyone wants to fit that ideal, either. 266 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:38,640 So, who fits you best in terms of what you aspire to? 267 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:42,400 Men: Tyler Durden, Don Draper, Charles Xavier, Jack Donaghy, Ari Gold, John Wayne. 268 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:47,200 Women: Sheryl Sandberg, Jennifer Lawrence, Michelle Obama, Hilary Clinton, Sarah Silverman, Tina Fey. 269 00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:48,800 The list could go on forever because we are not all looking for the same thing. 270 00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:55,760 You might even have a real-life friend or family member on that list that inspires you, or a blend of a few key personalities you’ve encountered throughout your life. 271 00:20:55,760 --> 00:21:06,200 But just the act of going through this exercise should inform you as to what you feel your weaknesses are, the ways you want to be perceived, and what you ultimately feel you are missing. 272 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:13,680 Get the feeling and essence of the person and how they work on the inside, rather than imitating their exact behaviors. 273 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:20,240 I would encourage you to choose a handful of role models for charisma, and then list out three specific traits you like from each of them. 274 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:24,680 For instance, Robert Downey Jr.: (1) witty, (2) irreverent, and (3) brutally confident. 275 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:28,520 Most of our charismatic role models will have quite a lot in common with each other, and it will allow you to see the traits that you are really chasing. 276 00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:32,160 This chapter is about choosing people that excel in areas that you currently do not, and embodying them to make their reactions your habits. 277 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:37,880 Third, getting into the habit of asking what your role model would do is like donning a mask or playing a role. 278 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:43,480 If you’ve ever acted on stage, in front of a camera, or even dressed up for Halloween, you may have noticed how differently you feel. 279 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:45,800 You’re not quite yourself, and that is an extremely empowering feeling. 280 00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:52,200 When you’re not yourself and are immersed in a mask or role, you can say and think things that you wouldn’t dare to otherwise. 281 00:21:52,200 --> 00:22:00,160 This happens because you are literally thinking through another perspective and becoming detached from yours, and also because you know in the back of your mind that you are safe from repercussions. 282 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:10,560 There’s a reason that Halloween is associated with pranks, riots, and crime — because people relish the fact that they are in different roles and can do things they’ve always wanted to without consequence. 283 00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:16,400 You feel safe, you feel empowered, and you feel confident, because it’s not necessarily you that you are channeling; it’s your role model. 284 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:22,040 Now, you’re probably wondering how this reconciles, again, with not being fake or trying too hard to be the cool guy. 285 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:28,680 The secret is this: by incorporating your role model’s characteristics, you actually end up portraying a totally unique blend of characteristics that is one hundred percent you. 286 00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:37,160 Remember, you identified your role model specifically because you admired and valued those traits—in other words, they are a part of you already, because you gravitated toward those traits and not others. 287 00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:42,120 As part of you (albeit a small, undeveloped part) wants to be like that, or sees something of yourself in that other person. 288 00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:45,880 If you use this technique successfully, what you ultimately do is use your role models as a kind of bootstrap to discover your own hidden traits. 289 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:51,960 Obviously, the end result is not that I closely resemble the Fresh Prince—in fact, nobody would guess that he was my inspiration. 290 00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:57,600 Rather, by using his persona as a step on the ladder, I make it a little easier to be more like myself. 291 00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:02,680 Pick a few difficult or confusing situations you may have stuck in your head from the past few weeks. 292 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:03,200 What did you do? 293 00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:07,520 Now, how would your role model have responded, instead? 294 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:13,760 Document these, rehearse them mentally, and run through them periodically so you are able to start thinking like your role model instead of just emulating them. 295 00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:15,560 There’s a big difference, isn’t there? 296 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:21,960 Logically, after the fact, you are able to come up with these differences, but again, it’s difficult to fight against your emotions and fears in the heat of the moment. 297 00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:26,080 In a sense, asking, “What would they do?” becomes a safe place for you to retreat you when you are in an unfamiliar social situation. 298 00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:31,400 In time, you stop having to ask yourself this deliberately because you end up doing it automatically. 299 00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:34,840 You are no longer pretending to be someone with confidence—you really do have confidence. 300 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:39,600 The notion of choosing a role model is not only socially proven, but also has roots in the psychology of learning. 301 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:44,960 It’s known as modeling, and it is a method where people learn by observation and subsequent imitation alone, without instruction or explicit guidance. 302 00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:51,280 Patients and clients have been taught skills, behaviors, and habits just through modeling for decades—which means that finding your role model is more powerful than you probably imagined. 303 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:57,040 Modeling accounts for how we learned social cues, social norms, and even how to act at the dinner table. 304 00:23:57,040 --> 00:24:02,720 The landmark study on modeling and social learning was known as the Bobo Doll Experiment, conducted by Albert Bandura in 1961. 305 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:09,680 In the experiment, children observed adults acting aggressively toward a Bobo doll—a doll which springs back upright after it is knocked down. 306 00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:13,200 One group of children observed the adults being rewarded after knocking the Bobo doll down, and subsequently began to model and imitate their aggressive behavior. 307 00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:24,400 Granted, the Bobo doll experiment didn’t have very flattering conclusions because of the behavior modeled, but it does suggest that if we choose positive role models, we can and will begin to adopt that behavior as our own, with time. 308 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:25,400 Life is a Series of Stories 309 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:25,400 310 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:26,320 No, seriously. 311 00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:30,320 We don’t think of our lives as being very interesting on a day-to-day basis, but we do quite a bit more than we realize. 312 00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:32,880 Do you think that you’re a boring person? 313 00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:37,720 Do you sometimes freeze when a stranger asks you something about yourself, suddenly going blank at the prospect of having to say something interesting? 314 00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:43,040 It’s probably because you have the small, day-to-day view of yourself, rather than the expanded narrative—the more interesting big picture. 315 00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:44,280 Imagine the most interesting person you know. 316 00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:51,040 They might seem like fascinating people, but if you picked any random Tuesday morning to drop in on their lives, it probably wouldn’t be all that exciting. 317 00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:54,840 It’s only when you zoom out a little that the full narrative of their life looks more coherent, more engrossing. 318 00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:58,880 Have you ever noticed that an event seems to get bigger, funnier or more interesting only afterwards, when you tell it? 319 00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:00,160 The interest is in the telling. 320 00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:01,760 It’s all in how the story is told. 321 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:07,680 This fact, combined with the fact that nothing stops a conversation cold quite like a one-word answer, means that you should strive to present your life as a series of mini stories. 322 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:12,800 Keep in mind that we’re not talking about becoming good at stand up or fashioning a massive epic sage for yourself, quite the contrary. 323 00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:17,400 It’s more about connecting with others by using mini stories about the small details in every day of your life. 324 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:19,200 What is the definition of a mini story in this context? 325 00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:20,480 “So what do you do?” 326 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:21,840 “I’m a marketing executive.” 327 00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:22,640 “Oh, cool. 328 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:24,880 Well, I’m going to find the bathroom now.” 329 00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:24,880 330 00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:25,280 Let’s try again. 331 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:26,000 “So what do you do?” 332 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:27,600 “I’m a marketing executive. 333 00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:28,400 I deal mostly with clients. 334 00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:32,680 Just last week we had a crazy client that threatened to send his bodyguards to our office! 335 00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:35,560 I definitely wish I dealt more with the creative side.” 336 00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:36,440 “Oh my God! 337 00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:37,840 Did he actually send them?” 338 00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:37,840 339 00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:40,920 That’s a mini story. 340 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:46,800 It’s answering questions briefly using the elements of a story—an action that occurs to a subject with some sort of conclusion. 341 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:54,440 As you can see above, a brief mini story will create exponentially more conversation and interest than any answer to the question “What do you do?” All you needed was three sentences. 342 00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:58,160 And this is all you need to make yourself an exponentially more captivating conversationalist. 343 00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:07,760 Yes, the technically correct answer is in the first exchange, and you probably have it stored away in your mind that your occupation is, in fact, a marketing executive. 344 00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:11,720 But good conversationalists learn the knack of presenting even boring information as an engrossing story. 345 00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:20,400 When people make small talk with you and ask you small talk questions, they probably aren’t interested in your one-word answers or boring recaps of boring weekends. 346 00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,640 They want to hear something interesting, so give it to them. 347 00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:26,280 Not only that, stories are an inside view to the way you think and feel. 348 00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:28,160 They’re a foot in the door. 349 00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:35,200 Learning those about you is the first step in allowing anyone to relate and feel connected to you, so it’s imperative that you learn how to take a closed-ended question and expand it to your advantage. 350 00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:37,360 The great thing is it gives you an opportunity to run with the story in any direction you like. 351 00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:43,800 You can play up any aspect of the story, divert away from one aspect, or introduce a completely new theme. 352 00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:44,080 It’s up to you. 353 00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:49,320 Using a mini story will also encourage them to reciprocate, and suddenly trading war stories from college parties is on the table. 354 00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:50,880 It doesn’t have to be complicated. 355 00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:57,120 When you break down what a mini story actually needs to be compelling, they become much simpler to make on the spur of the moment. 356 00:26:57,120 --> 00:27:04,400 What’s great about mini stories is you can also create these before a conversation so you can have compelling anecdotes at hand in response to very common and widespread questions. 357 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:09,480 The main benefit to creating mini stories ahead of time is to be able to avoid one-word answers that you may be accustomed to using. 358 00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:15,120 I would implore you to cue up similar mini stories of roughly three sentences in length for some of the most common conversation topics that will arise, such as: 359 00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:15,120 360 00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:15,120 1. 361 00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:18,920 Your occupation (If you have a job that is unusual or nebulous, make sure that you have a layman’s description of your job that people can relate to.) 362 00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:19,200 2. 363 00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:19,680 Your week 364 00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:19,720 3. 365 00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:21,600 Your upcoming weekend 366 00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:21,960 4. 367 00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:22,920 Your hometown 368 00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:23,240 5. 369 00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:24,360 Your hobbies and so on 370 00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:29,720 When you are using a mini story to answer a question, make sure to first acknowledge the question that was asked. 371 00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:33,080 Remember, you don’t want anything to appear rehearsed or fake. 372 00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:39,800 But then, realizing that you have something far more interesting to say, you can jump into the mini story, which should be able to stand by itself. 373 00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:41,200 “How was your weekend?” 374 00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:42,560 “It was fine. 375 00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:46,040 I watched four Star Wars movies.” 376 00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:49,320 “Okay, I’m going to go talk to someone else now.” 377 00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:49,320 378 00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:50,840 Let’s try again. 379 00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:51,920 “How was your weekend?” 380 00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:55,160 “It was fine, but did I tell you about what happened last weekend? 381 00:27:55,160 --> 00:28:00,160 A dog wearing a tuxedo walked into my office.” 382 00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:00,600 “Wait. 383 00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:01,520 Tell me more.” 384 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:01,520 385 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:07,120 Using mini stories allows you to avoid the tired back of forth of “Good, how about you” you’ll find in everyday small talk. 386 00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:08,800 That’s the first step to being captivating. 387 00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:15,280 Mini stories also underscore the importance of providing more details, as mentioned in an earlier chapter, and avoiding one-word answers. 388 00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:17,920 Details provide a three-dimensional description of you and your life. 389 00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:24,040 That automatically makes people more interested and invested because they are already painting a mental picture in their minds and visualizing everything. 390 00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:27,480 Details also give people more to connect to, think about, and attach themselves to. 391 00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:34,760 With more details, there is a substantially higher likelihood that people will find something funny, interesting, in common, poignant, curious, and worthy of comment. 392 00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:40,080 You’ll seem more human, and it will be easier for people to identify with and empathize with you. 393 00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:45,000 Detail and specificity put people into a specific place and time. 394 00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:48,080 It allows them to imagine exactly what’s happening and start caring about it. 395 00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:51,320 Think about why it’s so easy to get sucked into a movie. 396 00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:58,800 We experience enormous sensory stimulation and almost can’t escape all of the visual and auditory detail, which is designed to get us invested in the outcome. 397 00:28:58,800 --> 00:29:10,080 Detailed stories and conversations are inviting others to share a mental movie with you—and the invitation itself can be a subtle signal that you’d like to introduce just that tiny bit extra closeness into the conversation. 398 00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:21,080 Beyond giving flavor to your conversation and storytelling, and giving the other person something to ask about, details are important because they are what make people emotionally engaged. 399 00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:27,320 Details remind people of their own lives and memories and make them feel more drawn to whatever is presenting them. 400 00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:30,760 People love to hear themselves reflected in others’ stories. 401 00:29:30,760 --> 00:29:37,760 Details can compel others to laugh, feel mad, feel sad, or feel surprise. 402 00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:42,160 It sounds grandiose, but stories really can control moods and emotions. 403 00:29:42,160 --> 00:29:53,480 For example, if you include details about specific songs that played during your high school dances, it’s likely that someone will have memories attached to those songs and become more emotionally interested in your story. 404 00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:55,320 There is no such thing as TMI—too much information. 405 00:29:55,320 --> 00:29:59,280 Share details about all the figurative nooks and crannies, because that’s what makes you interesting on an emotional level. 406 00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:01,560 Plumping up Your Conversation Resume 407 00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:01,560 408 00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:05,320 Previous points in this chapter about pre-conversation have centered around your psychology and your physiology. 409 00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:11,280 In other words, to hit the ground running and have great conversations, you’ve got to find ways to put yourself in the mood for them. 410 00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:18,080 This means warming and loosening up your vocal cords, as well as getting gout of your rut and allowing yourself to connect to others genuinely, for example with mini stories. 411 00:30:18,080 --> 00:30:22,320 However, we haven’t covered what to actually say yet, have we? 412 00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:24,040 This is when we rectify that. 413 00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:29,120 As mentioned before, conversation isn’t always about thinking quickly on your feet in the heat of the moment. 414 00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:38,320 That’s an entirely different skill that can be trained, but what’s easier and more useful on a daily basis is to create for yourself a conversation résumé, which you can draw from in nearly every conversation. 415 00:30:38,320 --> 00:30:39,320 What the heck does this mean? 416 00:30:39,320 --> 00:30:49,480 It means that when you’re in the heat of a conversation, and an awkward silence is looming, sometimes we stress and our minds blank completely. 417 00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:53,160 We try to think on our feet, but our feet are frozen to the floor. 418 00:30:53,160 --> 00:30:57,040 A conversation résumé comes to the rescue because it is basically an annotated overview of who you are. 419 00:30:57,040 --> 00:31:06,280 It’s a brief list of your best and funniest stories, your notable accomplishments, your unique experiences, and viewpoints on salient and topical issues. 420 00:31:06,280 --> 00:31:09,080 It allows you to keep your best bits ready for usage. 421 00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:14,240 It’s no different from a résumé you would use for a job interview—but with a very different purpose in mind here. 422 00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:18,280 Know your personal talking points, rehearse them, and be ready to unleash them whenever necessary, with ease. 423 00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:22,480 However, just like in a job interview, having this résumé allows you to present the version of yourself that you most want. 424 00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:27,360 You might need to adapt it slightly depending on the situation, but it’s a conversational tool kit that you can always rely on. 425 00:31:27,360 --> 00:31:37,040 It may seem inconsequential to have such thoughts prepared, but imagine how excruciating the silence is in a job interview when you have to scramble, think of an answer on the fly, and say it while knowing it’s generic or useless. 426 00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:42,280 It’s simply the difference between having a good answer or story when someone asks, “What did you do last weekend?” versus simply saying, “Oh, not too much. 427 00:31:42,280 --> 00:31:43,000 Some TV. 428 00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:54,080 What about you?” How about how few of us can answer the following without stuttering and stalling: “So what’s your story?” The conversation résumé allows you to remind yourself that you’re not such a boring person after all and that people should have reason to be interested in you. 429 00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:56,560 As we mentioned earlier, we’re not naturally in this state of mind. 430 00:31:56,560 --> 00:31:59,160 We generally don’t think of ourselves in terms of sound bites but just expect that in the moment, we’ll think of something. 431 00:31:59,160 --> 00:32:03,520 But developing and constantly updating your conversation résumé can save you from awkward silences and make it supremely easy to connect with others. 432 00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:07,680 It’s like a way to quickly move through those beginning phases of small talk, putting you and the other person more quickly at ease. 433 00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:13,880 It may feel difficult to come up with right now, but imagine how much easier it is without the stress of someone staring at you, waiting for your reply. 434 00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:16,440 It’s this process of mental preparation that will translate to real conversational success. 435 00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:24,360 What you come up with on your résumé won’t always make it into everyday conversation, but the more you have it on your brain, the more it will, and the more captivating you will appear become. 436 00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:27,840 Have you ever been told by good friends that they had no idea how awesome you were until they got to know you a bit better? 437 00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:31,200 That’s a sure-fire clue that you could benefit from have a solid conversation résumé. 438 00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:37,960 There are four sections to your conversation résumé, and it’s not a bad idea to update them every couple of weeks. 439 00:32:37,960 --> 00:32:43,320 Admittedly, you may never have thought to answer any of these questions before, which means they definitely aren’t coming through in conversation. 440 00:32:43,320 --> 00:32:45,000 Don’t sell yourself short! 441 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:45,440 Daily life: 442 00:32:45,440 --> 00:32:47,040 • What did you do over the weekend? 443 00:32:47,040 --> 00:32:48,080 Anything notable? 444 00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:50,200 • How is your week/day going? 445 00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:51,840 Anything notable? 446 00:32:51,840 --> 00:32:53,680 • How is your family/significant other? 447 00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:55,000 Anything notable? 448 00:32:55,000 --> 00:32:56,920 • How is work going? 449 00:32:56,920 --> 00:32:57,840 Anything notable? 450 00:32:57,840 --> 00:32:58,520 Personal: 451 00:32:58,520 --> 00:32:59,080 • What are your hobbies? 452 00:32:59,080 --> 00:33:01,160 Anything notable? 453 00:33:01,160 --> 00:33:03,080 • What’s your biggest passion or interest outside of work? 454 00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:04,040 Anything notable? 455 00:33:04,040 --> 00:33:04,440 • Where are you from? 456 00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:05,320 Anything notable? 457 00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:10,720 • How long have you lived at your current location and worked at your current job? 458 00:33:10,720 --> 00:33:11,880 Anything notable? 459 00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:15,560 • Where did you go to school and what were you involved in? 460 00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:17,240 Anything notable? 461 00:33:17,240 --> 00:33:18,800 • What do you do for work? 462 00:33:18,800 --> 00:33:19,880 Anything notable? 463 00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:19,920 Notable: 464 00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:21,080 • What are your five most unique experiences? 465 00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:25,640 • What are your five most personally significant accomplishments? 466 00:33:25,640 --> 00:33:28,120 • What are ten strengths—things you are above average at, no matter how big or small? 467 00:33:28,120 --> 00:33:29,160 • Name ten places you have traveled in the past five years. 468 00:33:29,160 --> 00:33:32,560 • Name the past five times you have gone out to a social event. 469 00:33:32,560 --> 00:33:37,120 • Name ten things you cannot live without—don’t take this question too literally. 470 00:33:37,120 --> 00:33:38,840 It is asking about your interests. 471 00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:39,800 Staying Current: 472 00:33:39,800 --> 00:33:41,680 • What are the top five current events of the week and month? 473 00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:44,400 Learn the basics and develop an opinion and stance on them. 474 00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:47,040 • What are four funny personal situations from the past week? 475 00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:48,520 Be able to summarize them as a brief story. 476 00:33:48,520 --> 00:33:49,840 • What are the four most interesting things you’ve read or heard about in the past week? 477 00:33:49,840 --> 00:33:52,160 Be able to summarize them as a brief story. 478 00:33:52,160 --> 00:33:55,400 If you’ve ever felt like your mind was going blank, this is the cure. 479 00:33:55,400 --> 00:34:01,160 There are so many pieces of information that you’ve just dug out of yourself that it should be nearly impossible to run out of things to say. 480 00:34:01,160 --> 00:34:07,920 Occasionally update your anecdotes, and tweak those that don’t get good feedback—you don’t want to end up saying the same stories over and over! 481 00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:12,240 Why not do a quick run through as well as a vocal warm up exercise so you feel relaxed, confident, and prepared? 482 00:34:12,240 --> 00:34:17,520 Remember to review this before you head into socially intense situations, and you will be able to keep up with just about anyone. 483 00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:28,000 You just may realize that while some people appear to be quicker than lightning, they may simply remember more about themselves at that moment. 484 00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:41,040 Alright listeners, we've reached the end of this podcast episode, but before you go, let's recap some of the key takeaways from Patrick King's book on social presence and small talk mastery. 485 00:34:41,040 --> 00:34:43,600 Being a great conversationalist takes practice. 486 00:34:43,600 --> 00:34:49,120 Prepare your mindset beforehand to ensure you're ready for any chat. 487 00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:54,360 One fun way to get into that socializing mode is through barista practice. 488 00:34:54,360 --> 00:34:59,800 Just strike up many conversations with service staff like waiters or cashiers. 489 00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:06,080 It's an easy, low pressure way to warm up, and soon it will become second nature. 490 00:35:06,080 --> 00:35:12,360 If you need a physical boost, try reading out loud as an exercise. 491 00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:20,880 Read passages with varying emotions, tones and volumes to stretch your vocal cords and get comfortable using your voice. 492 00:35:20,880 --> 00:35:27,240 It might feel silly at first, but this is a great confidence builder, and finally, create a role model. 493 00:35:27,240 --> 00:35:30,440 Someone who embodies the social skills you admire. 494 00:35:30,440 --> 00:35:36,080 Imagine what they would do in tricky situations and emulate their traits. 495 00:35:36,080 --> 00:35:45,200 This psychological distance can give you that extra boost of confidence to tackle any socially tense moment with ease. 496 00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:52,200 And remember, practice makes perfect, so get out there, warm up those vocal cords and connect with others. 497 00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:57,360 And here's a quote from Patrick King that we should keep in mind throughout the week. 498 00:35:57,360 --> 00:36:07,440 Small talk is not just about the words we say, it's about building meaningful connections.