I am not a child anymore and you don't get to control me with guilt just because you don't like my choices. Mm. Hang on, lemme try that again. You don't get to invalidate my reality and expect closeness at the same time. Mm, no. Hang on, let me, let me try that again. I've spent enough time walking on eggshells around you, and I don't do that anymore. Mm. I don't like that either. Okay. Today in this video, we are gonna talk about enforcing boundaries and trying to maintain boundaries. Welcome to the Mother-Daughter Relationship. Show the podcast for mothers and daughters who want to build stronger bonds, deepen their understanding and transform their relationships. I'm your host, Brittany Scott, licensed therapist and mother-daughter relationship coach. After years of working with hundreds of daughters. And mothers. I've developed strategies that help break generational patterns, heal wounds, and create the loving relationships you've always wanted. Each week I'll be sharing insights from real clients, expert interviews and practical tools you can use immediately to improve your mother-daughter dynamic. Whether you're struggling with communication breakdowns, navigating major life transitions, or simply wanna take your already good relationship to the next level. The show is for you. And yes, the transformation I guide my clients through can be yours too. I'll share more about how you can work with me. It's time to experience the relationship you both deserve. Are you ready? Let's dive in. The phrases that I just said. I found in a post on Instagram telling people 10 things they could say to their dysfunctional mom if she's challenging their boundaries. And I'm here to tell you none of the phrases I just read or the other seven that are in this post, or actually going to do anything but piss your mom off. I am imagining that if you're using these phrases, it's because you are in contact with your mom, probably. 'cause you wanna be in contact with your mom. You just wanna be able to set boundaries and have a healthier relationship with her. Because if you were estranged, you wouldn't be saying these things because you wouldn't be talking. And if your relationship was healthy, you definitely wouldn't be saying these things to her. So if your goal is to have. Strong and healthy boundaries to maintain even a small relationship with your mom. None of the phrases in this post are actually going to get that need met for you. It's going to make your mom angry. It's going to put her on the defense, and these phrases are just gonna create more arguments between you. They don't make sure that your boundaries get met. They don't make sure that your boundaries get respected and they don't stop your mom from challenging the boundaries. They actually make her push harder. Because these phrases put up her defense and they don't actually help her see you. So I'm gonna go through a few more of these phrases. I'm not gonna read all 10 of them to you, but I'll read a few more and then I'm gonna give you some alternatives of what you can say and how you can approach your mom when she's challenging your boundaries, when she's trying to make you feel guilty or when she just flat out. Won't listen to you or respect you, and you're now an adult. So let's go into a few more of these and then I'm gonna give you some alternatives that will actually work. I am Brittany and I'm a licensed therapist and mother daughter coach. I have spent the last almost decade working with moms and daughters, and I've learned a thing or two about what they need and what actually moves the needle and. What creates healthier relationships? There are some mother-daughter relationships that cannot be reconnected, like I don't romanticize reconnection. I don't imagine that every mom and daughter should remain connected to each other. There are times where estrangement is the only option, but then there are times where you can maintain even a small connection with your mom. You just have to do it with boundaries that actually. Keep you centered, keep you safe, and keep you grounded in who you are, who you want to be, and what you need from that relationship. And the phrases that I saw in this post will not do that for you. If you and your mom already struggle. These are going to keep that struggle alive, right between you. It's going to keep the anger and the frustration, and the defensiveness and the fighting, these phrases. Keep all of that up. And if that's not what you want, you do not want to say these ever. Okay, let's read a few more of these phrases. Your disappointment is not my responsibility to carry. I'm no longer bending just to be accepted by you. I'm done explaining myself. If you keep pushing, I'll create even more distance to protect my peace. Now I get where this creator is going and I get what she's trying to do. The phrases are trying to put you in a position of I am now an adult. You are no longer in control of me, and this is what I expect. Healthy. I get it. I understand the sentiment, but the way they're phrased are immediately gonna put up walls with your mom. She's immediately gonna be defensive. She's immediately gonna be angry, and she's going to push back even harder. This is just gonna create a cycle where you continue to fight and you're probably exhausted with that. You're probably tired of her not listening to you. You're tired of having to talk so much and explain yourself so much and continue to try and get your needs met. You're tired of not being listened and not being respected by her. These phrases just continue that same cycle and dynamic that you already know how to do So if you want to actually be respected and be heard, and also feel confident in what you're saying you want to phrase everything in a way that is about yourself emotionally and about your needs. Now are the phrases that I'm gonna give you any kind of guarantee that your mom's going to care, listen. No, I don't know your mom. I'm not gonna pretend that I have some magic bullet that immediately makes your mom listen to you and care about you and show you love and support and all the things that you're looking for that doesn't exist. But I know what phrases don't work because I've seen them not work multiple times. I've heard the phrases over and over again. I've worked with moms and daughters who try to use these phrases and try to write these kind of things in letters and try to send these text messages. It doesn't work. And so they end up working with me because they've tried all of these things. And I've learned over the years that moms and daughters usually want the same thing. They want to be heard, they want to be connected, they want to feel loved, and they want to feel supported. It's just that the mom wants that from the daughter, and the daughter wants that from the mom. And then no one's actually getting anything. Hey mom, I know you don't like my boundary, but this is what I need in order for us to have any kind of relationship. I. I've already told you why I set this boundary. I don't want to have to keep explaining it. This is what I need for me and you to be able to talk and to have a relationship. Mom, I don't actually want to create more distance. I wanna have a relationship with you and be able to see you and talk to you, and this is the boundary that I need. So that way we can do that. The phrases that I read initially are more attacking and. Are going to be, they're gonna create defensiveness and that's not what you want. I'm gonna assume that's not what you want. If you wanna start a fight, by all means start a fight. You know how, like say what you wanna say, but if that's not the goal, these phrases aren't actually going to, to meet the need that you're trying to meet. You want to make sure that. What you say and what you're trying to get across to your mom doesn't create a situation that she can, that she can become defensive about, if that makes sense. Like your mom can combat anything that you say, okay, I've seen it, I've heard it. I, I know what all of that looks like. But you wanna make it harder for her to feel attacked by you. You wanna make it look more ridiculous, that she feels like you hurt her feelings. If you can get your needs and your point across by talking about your emotions and how you feel inside of this, you're gonna have a much better time and having a healthier conversation. Now, like I said, if that is not the goal, by all means start an argument. Say what you wanna say, be as bold and direct, and. Defensive as you want to be. Like this is your relationship in your life, and there are times where you don't have to work harder than her to have better phrasing. Okay? I know there are times where you're probably just tired and exhausted and you, you don't want to think about all of that. But the reason why I wanted to create this is because I've met many moms and daughters. Whether they come in together or they come in separately. I've met many of them that say they've tried therapy, they've tried other things, and they've made attempts at fixing their relationship and it just doesn't work. nothing new happened. They fell back into the same patterns, and what I find is that they're trying things like this. They're finding support and advice that sounds like this, and. It uplifts the daughter, but it does nothing for the mom, and so the relationship doesn't actually feel like it's becoming balanced and healthier if you are an estranged daughter And you're, we're uplifting you and we're helping you through the guilt and the shame and the hurt and the sadness that come with estrangement, then absolutely that healing is going to look different. But if you're trying to remain in a relationship with your mom, or you're trying to reconnect and have a stronger relationship with your mom, these, this kind of phrasing that feels attacking and creates defensiveness is not actually going to help so there are three lanes to healing a mother wound and one is estrangement, and sometimes that's absolutely needed and there is no other option. In order for that daughter to be safe and to be as healthy as she can, mentally, physically, emotionally, like she can't be in relationship with her mom. That's the reality for some people. Then there's a lane where you can have some semblance of a relationship. You don't have to be totally estranged, but you also know the relationship isn't the happiest. Um, it's not the healthiest, but it's something. And you choose that for many reasons. Every daughter has her own reason for choosing this lane, and none of them are wrong. This is what you need and it's what you're desiring. So you find healthy boundaries, you maintain them effectively. You enforce them in ways that feel good for you, and you find phrasing. That help you get your point across and help you feel in control of your life and in control of your desires. And your mom stops being in the driver's seat, but you don't keep creating arguments with her. And then there's a lane where you have a mom that's willing to acknowledge what happened, take accountability and repair the relationship with you. And this lane is beautiful. Like sure, we want moms and daughters to come together, and I love when that can happen, but I'm not oblivious that their other two lanes exist and sometimes they must be chosen. And so I want you to know that sometimes what you're saying to your mom is probably making it worse, and not that you know you're supposed to care about maybe hurting your mom's feelings. But if you don't wanna be arguing with her and going in circles with her and talking about the same things and ending up in the same dynamics, these are not the kind of phrasings that you want to be using. So I hope that this kind of opens your eyes and maybe guides you into a different path of how you communicate with your mom and the phrasing that you choose to say when she's not listening and she's not enforcing your boundaries. Because you don't have to keep fighting with her. You don't have to keep going in circles. There are other options and there are better ways to get your points across and to actually get your needs met so that way you feel health, you feel happier, and you feel more in control and more confident. That's all for today's episode of the Mother-Daughter Relationship Show. Thanks so much for spending this time with me. I hope you picked up some valuable insights that you can start using right away in your own relationship to create deeper connection and understanding. If something from today's episode resonated with you, don't keep it to yourself. Share it with the mother or daughter in your life who needs to hear this message. And while you're at it, please consider leaving a rating. And review so we can reach more families and transform the way mothers and daughters relate to each other. For those ready to take the next step, you can visit my website to learn more about my private coaching programs and my program designed specifically for mother-daughter pairs. Whether you're dealing with communication challenges, life transitions, or just wanna strengthen an already good relationship, I'm here to help. Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you in the next one.