1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:08,360 The power of EQ, social intelligence, reading people, and how to navigate any situation, 2 00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:13,000 written by Patrick King, narrated by Russell Newton. 3 00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:18,280 Most of us like to think that we're good people, that we're kind, intelligent, attentive. 4 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:24,760 However, despite the best of intentions, few of us are genuinely good communicators, and 5 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:32,200 it's a rare person who never finds themselves misunderstood, alienated, or even in full-blown 6 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,120 conflict. 7 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:39,200 This book is about developing the skills and insights needed to be one of those rare few 8 00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:44,520 who are experts at dialogue, emotions, and empathy. 9 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:49,360 That said, the emotional intelligence we'll be discussing in this book is not some quiet, 10 00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:53,320 private thing that you develop purely for your own use. 11 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:57,000 In that sense, it's not really personal development. 12 00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:03,440 Rather, we'll see that emotional intelligence is about how you develop yourself in relation 13 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:04,440 to others. 14 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:10,040 In just the same way as general intelligence makes itself manifest in the world through 15 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:16,320 accomplishment, creativity, learning, or understanding, emotional intelligence is also 16 00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:20,360 something we do rather than something we are. 17 00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:26,600 And the primary way that we express and develop our emotional intelligence is with other people. 18 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:30,600 In the chapters that follow, we'll look at how emotional intelligence helps us listen 19 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:37,360 to others, consider their perspectives, read their verbal and nonverbal expressions, ask 20 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:43,040 questions, identify a wide range of subtle emotions, put boundaries in place without 21 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:49,760 breaking rapport, and speak with clarity, conviction, and compassion. 22 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:55,960 When developing emotional regulation, self-awareness, and masterful communication skills, every 23 00:01:55,960 --> 00:02:01,680 person we encounter becomes our teacher, and every interaction becomes a chance to learn 24 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:05,800 and grow as an emotionally intelligent social being. 25 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:12,920 Let's dive in and begin at the most natural starting point, learning how to listen. 26 00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:17,200 Empathic listening and responding. 27 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:24,000 We live in a noisy, distracted world where everyone is trying to make themselves heard. 28 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:27,760 Empathic listening is, sadly, underdeveloped. 29 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:32,800 This is the kind of listening that puts total genuine attention on the other person and the 30 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:36,200 message they are trying to convey. 31 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:40,640 If we're honest, many of us try to merely give the impression of paying attention to 32 00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:45,740 someone, or play the role of a good listener without really being one. 33 00:02:45,740 --> 00:02:50,120 Can you think of the last time you sat in someone's presence and gave them your full 34 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,200 attention? 35 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:58,040 It takes effort not to constantly think of what you'll say next, not to interrupt, not 36 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:04,040 to rush in with your own opinions, experiences, arguments, perceptions. 37 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:08,920 Not only does it take effort, but it comes with a certain degree of risk. 38 00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:14,960 It may seem counterintuitive, but authentic listening opens up a space of vulnerability 39 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,320 for the listener, too. 40 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:21,720 Setting aside your own point of view and your own idea of where the conversation should 41 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:27,560 go is an act of faith and a show of good will to the other person. 42 00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:33,520 The modern world does not encourage the kind of receptivity that makes us great conversationists. 43 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:39,600 If we're honest, most of us would prefer not to do the work and rather focus on controlling 44 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:46,640 the conversation, expressing ourselves, or making some point or other. 45 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:51,240 To be emotionally intelligent listeners, we need to go against the grain and make the 46 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:57,120 effort required to set aside our own egos and become genuinely curious about someone 47 00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:58,560 else's world. 48 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:03,160 Here are a few key principles to keep in mind. 49 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:09,320 Number one, listen to understand, not to respond. 50 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:13,760 The next time you're in a conversation with someone, notice your own thoughts and where 51 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:16,760 they go when the other person is talking. 52 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:21,800 Are you busily imagining all the things you're going to say when they stop speaking? 53 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:26,960 Are you quietly formulating a counter-argument or thinking of ways to steer the topic back 54 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:30,360 to yourself for what you know? 55 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:34,760 When we're occupying this reactive state, we're really not doing justice to what we're 56 00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:36,600 being told. 57 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:41,880 We are looking at the other person and their message as something to push off against or 58 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:44,320 manipulate to our own ends. 59 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:50,240 We're tempted to be always in responding mode, barging in with our own thoughts and feelings 60 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:56,040 and our interpretations of what the other person is trying to share. 61 00:04:56,040 --> 00:05:01,000 Listening to understand is a completely different position to take. 62 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,960 You're not reactive, but receptive. 63 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:09,200 You're listening with the unspoken intention to truly absorb and comprehend what you're 64 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:10,200 told. 65 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:16,760 It's a state of being open and curious and gently wanting to grasp the message, yet how 66 00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:22,880 many of us are quick to gloss over this message because we're in a hurry to quickly decide 67 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:26,320 on our opinion of the message? 68 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:32,040 As Stephen Covey says, seek first to understand, then to be understood. 69 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:37,640 It's subtle, but it makes all the difference in the world. 70 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:41,920 Principle two, listen to everything. 71 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:48,180 The message is made up of many components, the spoken words being just a small part. 72 00:05:48,180 --> 00:05:55,780 Listen is made of verbal and nonverbal information, so expand your perception to take in both. 73 00:05:55,780 --> 00:06:01,540 This takes a degree of attention, awareness, and focus perception. 74 00:06:01,540 --> 00:06:07,260 Facial expression, quality of voice, posture, gestures, what people are wearing, and the 75 00:06:07,260 --> 00:06:10,420 style of language they're using. 76 00:06:10,420 --> 00:06:13,700 Listen even to what isn't being said. 77 00:06:13,700 --> 00:06:19,660 You'll be looking more closely at this meta-language in a later chapter. 78 00:06:19,660 --> 00:06:26,020 Principle three, don't conflate your experience with theirs. 79 00:06:26,020 --> 00:06:32,980 Good conversations are dynamic, and they flow and change, often with both partners' positions 80 00:06:32,980 --> 00:06:35,420 slightly altered by the end of the conversation. 81 00:06:35,420 --> 00:06:40,860 However, that's not the same as being careless and unaware of times when you might be tempted 82 00:06:40,860 --> 00:06:45,500 to see your own thoughts and feelings in the place of the other persons. 83 00:06:45,500 --> 00:06:49,220 Let's say a friend is telling you about their recent health scare. 84 00:06:49,220 --> 00:06:51,780 They're trying to share the general message. 85 00:06:51,780 --> 00:06:57,620 I was terrified, and now I have a renewed appreciation for my health. 86 00:06:57,620 --> 00:07:01,760 But as you hear them speak, let's imagine you can't help filtering all that information 87 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:06,740 through your own pet theories and opinions about doctors or the state of health care 88 00:07:06,740 --> 00:07:08,900 in your country. 89 00:07:08,900 --> 00:07:15,700 You, perhaps unconsciously, interpret what they say in terms of what you already think, 90 00:07:15,700 --> 00:07:21,340 picking out all the ideas that confirm with your pre-existing perspective. 91 00:07:21,340 --> 00:07:25,700 Perhaps you respond by going on a mini-rant about how difficult it is to receive good 92 00:07:25,700 --> 00:07:30,860 treatment these days, or jumping in with an anecdote about your own recent experiences 93 00:07:30,860 --> 00:07:38,020 with doctors, meanwhile your friend, who was intending to take the conversation in quite 94 00:07:38,020 --> 00:07:39,140 a different direction. 95 00:07:39,140 --> 00:07:41,540 Isn't good health precious? 96 00:07:41,540 --> 00:07:44,540 I've been given a new lease on life. 97 00:07:44,540 --> 00:07:49,140 Feels like you haven't really listened, and in response, doesn't feel like listening 98 00:07:49,140 --> 00:07:54,100 to you as you ramble on. 99 00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:56,180 Principle four. 100 00:07:56,180 --> 00:08:04,060 Empathic listening takes effort, but not as much effort as correcting misunderstandings. 101 00:08:04,060 --> 00:08:09,980 With this book, you may be struck by just how much work it takes to establish clear, 102 00:08:09,980 --> 00:08:13,620 compassionate lines of communication with another person. 103 00:08:13,620 --> 00:08:16,460 You might wonder whether all this is really worth it. 104 00:08:16,460 --> 00:08:18,140 The answer is yes. 105 00:08:18,140 --> 00:08:23,100 That's because the alternative is actually a lot more work in the long run. 106 00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:28,980 If you're a poor communicator, you pay for it by feeling disconnected and alienated from 107 00:08:28,980 --> 00:08:36,180 others, or worse, you find yourself frequently misunderstood or in conflict with them. 108 00:08:36,180 --> 00:08:41,260 Constantly missing people, or never quite feeling that you're on the same wavelength, 109 00:08:41,260 --> 00:08:47,460 is like poison for any relationship, and it takes incredible amounts of effort to make 110 00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:50,780 things right again. 111 00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:57,660 Principles of emotionally intelligent, mindful, and empathic communication exist for a reason, 112 00:08:57,660 --> 00:09:01,540 because they really are the easiest and most effective way of doing things. 113 00:09:01,540 --> 00:09:05,780 The better you become at these skills, however, the more you'll see the incredible freedom 114 00:09:05,780 --> 00:09:11,420 they give you, and the deeper, richer kinds of relationships they allow you to have with 115 00:09:11,420 --> 00:09:13,420 others. 116 00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:20,300 Luckily for all of us, these skills can be acquired and developed. 117 00:09:20,300 --> 00:09:24,340 The four types of empathic responses. 118 00:09:24,340 --> 00:09:25,340 Be honest. 119 00:09:25,780 --> 00:09:31,260 When someone says, I know how you feel, does it make you feel any better? 120 00:09:31,260 --> 00:09:32,820 Probably not. 121 00:09:32,820 --> 00:09:36,260 But then what should you say? 122 00:09:36,260 --> 00:09:40,740 While you work on your emotional intelligence skills, here are a few easy responses that 123 00:09:40,740 --> 00:09:47,580 keep you in the receptive, understanding mode, and let the other person know you're listening. 124 00:09:47,580 --> 00:09:53,520 These responses are also a great way to buy time and keep the conversation going when you're 125 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:59,560 unsure of how to respond, but want to show compassion anyway. 126 00:09:59,560 --> 00:10:01,560 Type 1. 127 00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:04,760 Acknowledging their courage. 128 00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:10,800 If someone is sharing something vulnerable with you, or conveying an emotional message, 129 00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:16,080 it can be difficult to know what to say, but relax, you don't have to solve their problems 130 00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:19,740 or suddenly dispense sagely advice. 131 00:10:19,740 --> 00:10:25,580 One of the most powerful things you can do is simply acknowledge how challenging it is 132 00:10:25,580 --> 00:10:29,900 to merely speak up about such things. 133 00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:33,340 Thank you for sharing that with me, it means a lot. 134 00:10:33,340 --> 00:10:39,700 I know it's not easy to talk about these things, so I applaud you for that. 135 00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:43,900 You've done a good thing by speaking out. 136 00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:49,960 Recognize the effort, bravery, and vulnerability it takes to share something personal. 137 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:56,420 Just remember to keep things positive by focusing on strengths, resources, and achievements. 138 00:10:56,420 --> 00:11:01,260 A common empathetic response is to point out their strength of character. 139 00:11:01,260 --> 00:11:06,460 Wow, that couldn't have been easy, but you handled the situation with a lot of patience 140 00:11:06,460 --> 00:11:10,020 and tact. 141 00:11:10,020 --> 00:11:11,500 Type 2. 142 00:11:11,580 --> 00:11:18,860 Pulitzer Prize winning oral historian Studs Turkle tells us, 143 00:11:18,860 --> 00:11:25,260 Don't be an examiner, be the interested inquirer. 144 00:11:25,260 --> 00:11:29,440 If you're ever stumped for what to say, ask a question. 145 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:35,060 This alone will show that you're paying attention and value what the other person has to say. 146 00:11:35,060 --> 00:11:41,220 Even better if you can ask a thoughtful question that shows you've been listening carefully. 147 00:11:41,220 --> 00:11:45,900 The right questions can help you understand the message, to confirm you've understood, 148 00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:50,380 and to quietly reassure the speaker that you respect and care about what they're saying 149 00:11:50,380 --> 00:11:54,260 and want to understand it correctly. 150 00:11:54,260 --> 00:12:00,780 So it seems like it was a really confusing few years, have I got that right? 151 00:12:00,780 --> 00:12:04,980 You were a student nurse at the time, weren't you? 152 00:12:04,980 --> 00:12:10,260 Just so I can understand, are you saying you felt embarrassed when he said that? 153 00:12:10,260 --> 00:12:15,700 Or was it more that you were annoyed? 154 00:12:15,700 --> 00:12:17,620 Type 3. 155 00:12:17,620 --> 00:12:21,140 Conveying that you care. 156 00:12:21,140 --> 00:12:26,220 Much of the time, people share grievances or express their emotions, not because they 157 00:12:26,220 --> 00:12:31,780 want someone to solve their problems for them or come up with a clever sounding interpretation. 158 00:12:31,780 --> 00:12:38,100 Instead, we're often, sometimes unconsciously, looking for someone to validate and confirm 159 00:12:38,100 --> 00:12:45,380 what we're feeling, to listen, and to treat our experience as worthy of attention and 160 00:12:45,380 --> 00:12:46,380 concern. 161 00:12:46,380 --> 00:12:52,060 Truly showing that you care in this way can be far more powerful than giving good advice 162 00:12:52,060 --> 00:12:56,340 or having some sage league counsel to offer. 163 00:12:56,340 --> 00:13:01,940 Think about a time in your life when you needed to speak to someone and remind yourself of 164 00:13:01,940 --> 00:13:06,700 the kind of response that would have most assured you. 165 00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:12,180 Most likely, you would have wanted the message, I see you and I hear you, I get it. 166 00:13:12,180 --> 00:13:14,700 It makes sense that you feel this way. 167 00:13:14,700 --> 00:13:17,100 People care about you and you matter. 168 00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:24,780 In fact, a demonstration of care, without adding in some advice or a solution, can feel 169 00:13:24,780 --> 00:13:26,820 the most empathetic of all. 170 00:13:26,820 --> 00:13:32,220 I'm here for you, would you like to talk? 171 00:13:32,220 --> 00:13:36,380 Is there anything you'd like me to help you with? 172 00:13:36,380 --> 00:13:40,540 I care about you. 173 00:13:40,540 --> 00:13:44,140 Type four, checking in. 174 00:13:44,140 --> 00:13:49,140 Show other people that you are attentive to their experiences and are paying attention 175 00:13:49,140 --> 00:13:50,900 to them. 176 00:13:50,900 --> 00:13:55,100 Deliberately check in to show that you care about how they're doing and keep those lines 177 00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:57,540 of communication open. 178 00:13:57,540 --> 00:14:02,140 Even if someone doesn't respond fully to your checking in, they will still register that 179 00:14:02,140 --> 00:14:06,740 you cared enough to do so and that's worth a lot. 180 00:14:06,740 --> 00:14:08,220 How are you feeling today? 181 00:14:08,220 --> 00:14:11,780 Hey, how did things pan out with your neighbor? 182 00:14:11,780 --> 00:14:18,100 You seemed a little unhappy in the meeting today, are you okay? 183 00:14:18,100 --> 00:14:24,580 Keep such questions open-ended and genuinely listen to whatever you're told. 184 00:14:24,580 --> 00:14:29,300 If you can demonstrate to people that you've heard what they've said in previous conversations 185 00:14:29,300 --> 00:14:34,420 and remembered the core emotional details, you'll send them the strong message that you 186 00:14:34,420 --> 00:14:40,100 are an active, engaged listener. 187 00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:44,500 Active constructive responding. 188 00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:49,060 Being fully present and responding with any of the above empathetic responses will take 189 00:14:49,060 --> 00:14:52,860 you far, but let's carry things a little further. 190 00:14:52,860 --> 00:14:57,900 Here we'll look at what's called active constructive communication. 191 00:14:57,900 --> 00:15:05,900 The idea was coined by Gable et al. in 2004 in an interesting research paper titled, What 192 00:15:05,900 --> 00:15:08,800 Do You Do When Things Go Right? 193 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:15,940 The Intrapersonal and Interpersonal Benefits of Sharing Positive Events. 194 00:15:15,940 --> 00:15:20,420 The researchers were interested in the way that people respond to others in communication, 195 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:27,340 specifically how they respond to being told about experiences, thoughts, and personal feelings. 196 00:15:27,340 --> 00:15:33,420 It's one of those small things that makes an enormous difference. 197 00:15:33,420 --> 00:15:38,140 Imagine someone tells their friend excitedly that they've just won an award. 198 00:15:38,140 --> 00:15:41,660 The friend says, Oh, cool. 199 00:15:41,660 --> 00:15:46,500 By the way, did I tell you what I saw at the grocery store this morning? 200 00:15:46,500 --> 00:15:52,700 Looking at this exchange, you can easily see how the person might feel completely cut off, 201 00:15:52,700 --> 00:15:55,100 snubbed, or dismissed. 202 00:15:55,100 --> 00:15:57,740 The friend has shared some emotional content. 203 00:15:57,740 --> 00:16:00,940 I'm proud of myself, I'm excited. 204 00:16:00,940 --> 00:16:06,580 And the friend has responded to this sharing of the self with a complete lack of tact or 205 00:16:06,580 --> 00:16:08,260 synchrony. 206 00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:12,620 In giving this response, the friend has put himself at odds with the speaker. 207 00:16:12,620 --> 00:16:19,140 They're no longer conversing together in sync, but communicating against one another. 208 00:16:19,140 --> 00:16:21,820 I'm not especially proud of you. 209 00:16:21,820 --> 00:16:22,820 I'm bored. 210 00:16:22,820 --> 00:16:24,660 I don't care. 211 00:16:24,660 --> 00:16:27,260 What's next? 212 00:16:27,260 --> 00:16:34,540 This little exchange might not register to anyone as violent or abusive, but it is destructive. 213 00:16:34,540 --> 00:16:40,820 If such a lack of synchrony continues in this friendship, you can expect a breakdown of goodwill 214 00:16:40,820 --> 00:16:48,940 over time, misunderstandings, anxiety, conflicts, hurt feelings, and vague negativity that's 215 00:16:48,940 --> 00:16:52,900 difficult to put a finger on. 216 00:16:52,900 --> 00:16:55,820 Constructive conversation, on the other hand, is different. 217 00:16:55,820 --> 00:17:01,740 It is courteous, warm, based around positive feelings of accord, rapport, and harmony. 218 00:17:01,740 --> 00:17:08,180 It's like a state of flow where both parties feel heard and understood, and like conversations 219 00:17:08,180 --> 00:17:12,260 move in unison rather than out of sync. 220 00:17:12,260 --> 00:17:17,860 Constructive conversations tend to deepen relationships over time as they increase trust 221 00:17:17,860 --> 00:17:20,580 and coherence. 222 00:17:20,580 --> 00:17:24,780 In the previous section, we saw how important it is to have empathy for people who are in 223 00:17:24,780 --> 00:17:26,420 distress. 224 00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:31,460 But it's just as important to pay attention to how we respond to people when they're happy 225 00:17:31,460 --> 00:17:34,140 or are expressing themselves neutrally. 226 00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:41,140 In fact, there is some evidence that our responses to someone's positive expressions is a bigger 227 00:17:41,140 --> 00:17:47,580 determinant of their relationship quality than how we treat them when they're unhappy. 228 00:17:47,580 --> 00:17:52,940 We can imagine that our responses to a message can vary according to whether they are active 229 00:17:52,940 --> 00:17:59,460 or passive, and whether they are constructive or destructive, as described above. 230 00:17:59,460 --> 00:18:03,740 This gives us four potential types of response. 231 00:18:03,740 --> 00:18:12,940 Active and constructive, passive and constructive, active and destructive, passive and destructive. 232 00:18:12,940 --> 00:18:18,260 Let's return to our earlier example to show how these different responses may play out 233 00:18:18,260 --> 00:18:19,740 in real life. 234 00:18:19,740 --> 00:18:25,660 Person A says to Person B, in a loud and excitable voice with a huge grin on their face, you'll 235 00:18:25,660 --> 00:18:27,100 never guess what. 236 00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:31,140 You know that student film I made a few years ago was the one I submitted to that competition? 237 00:18:31,140 --> 00:18:33,020 Well, I won an award for it. 238 00:18:33,020 --> 00:18:36,020 I can't believe it. 239 00:18:36,020 --> 00:18:41,020 Looking at the tone of voice, body language and verbal expression, it's not hard to see 240 00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:45,460 that Person A is excited, proud and pleasantly surprised. 241 00:18:45,460 --> 00:18:50,620 It's also not too difficult to imagine what kind of response they'd most like. 242 00:18:50,620 --> 00:18:55,660 The very fact that Person A is telling Person B in the first place is sending the obvious 243 00:18:55,660 --> 00:19:01,340 message, this news is important to me, I wanted to share it with you. 244 00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:04,140 Are you proud of me too? 245 00:19:04,140 --> 00:19:08,660 Now imagine that Person B was busy on their phone doing something else when this message 246 00:19:08,660 --> 00:19:10,100 was delivered. 247 00:19:10,100 --> 00:19:13,740 There are a few ways to respond. 248 00:19:13,740 --> 00:19:17,060 Active constructive response. 249 00:19:17,060 --> 00:19:23,500 Person B puts their phone away, stands up and gives Person A an enormous hug, smiling 250 00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:29,020 as they do and saying, oh my god, really, that's amazing, look at you, you're like 251 00:19:29,020 --> 00:19:33,060 this fancy filmmaker now. 252 00:19:33,060 --> 00:19:40,580 This response matches the energy and enthusiasm of the message being shared and is warm, connected 253 00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:44,060 and friendly. 254 00:19:44,060 --> 00:19:47,500 Passive constructive response. 255 00:19:47,500 --> 00:19:51,620 Person B looks up from their phone, but doesn't put it away. 256 00:19:51,620 --> 00:19:58,260 Then they say, oh, really, nice, did you win any money or anything? 257 00:19:58,260 --> 00:20:01,980 And looks briefly back at the phone screen. 258 00:20:01,980 --> 00:20:10,460 This response is not bad, per se, but it is low energy and may be delayed, weak or distracted, 259 00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:19,340 making the speaker feel unimportant or unacknowledged, it's like throwing a damp towel over things. 260 00:20:19,340 --> 00:20:22,980 Active destructive response. 261 00:20:22,980 --> 00:20:30,300 Person B gets up, put their phones away and frowns, saying, what, you don't mean to say 262 00:20:30,300 --> 00:20:38,100 you actually entered that lame competition, ouch, be careful, you don't want to be associated 263 00:20:38,100 --> 00:20:42,780 with such an amateur organization. 264 00:20:42,780 --> 00:20:48,300 This response is actively and deliberately going against the spirit of the message being 265 00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:55,540 shared and is dismissive and demeaning. 266 00:20:55,540 --> 00:20:57,860 Passive destructive response. 267 00:20:57,860 --> 00:21:00,060 What's that? 268 00:21:00,060 --> 00:21:01,980 Oh, cool. 269 00:21:01,980 --> 00:21:06,900 By the way, did I tell you what I saw at the grocery store this morning? 270 00:21:06,900 --> 00:21:11,980 This response is characterized by the listener avoiding or ignoring the speaker and their 271 00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:18,420 message and a hostile refusal to engage in favor of turning the conversation back to 272 00:21:18,420 --> 00:21:21,420 themselves. 273 00:21:21,420 --> 00:21:27,500 It won't surprise you to hear that it is only active constructive response types that are 274 00:21:27,500 --> 00:21:34,740 associated with relationship satisfaction and feelings of intimacy, trust and commitment. 275 00:21:34,740 --> 00:21:40,500 If any of the other types of responses are routinely used, things will steadily go in 276 00:21:40,500 --> 00:21:42,220 the other direction. 277 00:21:42,220 --> 00:21:46,220 The speaker will gradually learn that their message will not be received with any support 278 00:21:46,220 --> 00:21:51,100 or enthusiasm and so they'll just stop sharing anything. 279 00:21:51,100 --> 00:21:59,300 Over time, this creates feelings of disconnection, alienation and a loss of intimacy. 280 00:21:59,300 --> 00:22:03,700 Trust and closeness will gradually erode. 281 00:22:03,700 --> 00:22:07,540 What's interesting about this model is that it captures a form of poor communication that 282 00:22:07,540 --> 00:22:10,940 might otherwise be too subtle to notice. 283 00:22:10,940 --> 00:22:15,220 You may have someone in your life who always seems to leave you feeling unimportant or 284 00:22:15,220 --> 00:22:19,020 even degraded after every interaction. 285 00:22:19,020 --> 00:22:20,420 Why? 286 00:22:20,420 --> 00:22:25,660 It may be because they routinely respond in destructive or passive ways every time you 287 00:22:25,660 --> 00:22:28,900 open up and share something with them. 288 00:22:28,900 --> 00:22:36,460 An unresponsive or even destructive conversation partner can wear away at someone's self-esteem 289 00:22:36,460 --> 00:22:38,900 over time. 290 00:22:38,900 --> 00:22:44,620 On the other hand, if anyone has ever told you that you don't listen or seems super 291 00:22:44,620 --> 00:22:49,940 reluctant to share anything with you, ask yourself honestly if you respond to them in 292 00:22:49,940 --> 00:22:52,940 an active and constructive way. 293 00:22:52,940 --> 00:22:58,980 They may be reflecting a loss of synchrony in your communication. 294 00:22:58,980 --> 00:23:05,940 Here are some ways that you can start to be a more active and constructive responder. 295 00:23:05,940 --> 00:23:08,740 And empathically. 296 00:23:08,740 --> 00:23:13,820 This means centering their emotional experience. 297 00:23:13,820 --> 00:23:19,540 Give their unique perception your full attention and acknowledge it for what it is, regardless 298 00:23:19,540 --> 00:23:23,700 of what it means for you or whether you agree or not. 299 00:23:23,700 --> 00:23:28,220 Remember that just as communication can be verbal and nonverbal, so can the expression 300 00:23:28,220 --> 00:23:30,260 of empathy. 301 00:23:30,260 --> 00:23:37,020 Use your body language, voice, and facial expression to convey empathy too. 302 00:23:37,020 --> 00:23:44,020 Match their tone of voice, reflect their expression, and mirror their emotional experience. 303 00:23:44,020 --> 00:23:49,740 If you're not sure what this would look like, ask yourself why they have shared what they 304 00:23:49,740 --> 00:23:51,660 have shared with you. 305 00:23:51,660 --> 00:23:58,180 Chances are they want you to acknowledge and affirm their experience. 306 00:23:58,180 --> 00:24:01,300 Show genuine interest. 307 00:24:01,300 --> 00:24:07,020 You can do this by asking questions, by making positive and supportive comments, or even 308 00:24:07,020 --> 00:24:10,420 by giving a few compliments if that seems appropriate. 309 00:24:10,420 --> 00:24:15,100 The important thing, however, is that you really are genuine. 310 00:24:15,100 --> 00:24:16,900 People can tell. 311 00:24:16,900 --> 00:24:23,100 Fake enthusiasm is arguably worse than genuine neutrality. 312 00:24:23,100 --> 00:24:30,180 To that end, avoid giving extreme and over-the-top responses that will only invite suspicion. 313 00:24:30,180 --> 00:24:35,460 So instead of, that's so utterly incredible, I've never heard of anything so impressive 314 00:24:35,460 --> 00:24:44,700 in my life, just say, that's really something, well done, you must be so pleased. 315 00:24:44,700 --> 00:24:49,900 If you can't be positive, at least be constructive. 316 00:24:49,900 --> 00:24:55,820 You're probably wondering, if you're meant to be genuine and positive, what do you do 317 00:24:55,820 --> 00:24:58,460 if you sincerely don't care that much? 318 00:24:58,460 --> 00:25:02,260 Well, this is where tact comes in. 319 00:25:02,260 --> 00:25:05,300 Take a look again at the response above. 320 00:25:05,300 --> 00:25:11,040 That is really something, well done, you must be so pleased. 321 00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:18,860 This is a kind, thoughtful, and polite, positive response, but it also is perfectly appropriate 322 00:25:18,860 --> 00:25:23,740 if you just so happen to not care about films or have mixed feelings about the award your 323 00:25:23,740 --> 00:25:26,020 friend has won. 324 00:25:26,020 --> 00:25:32,420 In other words, you can always be polite and kind, even if not explicitly positive, and 325 00:25:32,420 --> 00:25:37,300 even if you really can't be positive, at least be constructive. 326 00:25:37,300 --> 00:25:40,220 Remember it's about them, not you. 327 00:25:40,220 --> 00:25:43,100 Oh, an award! 328 00:25:43,100 --> 00:25:44,540 That's unexpected. 329 00:25:44,540 --> 00:25:46,100 Tell me everything. 330 00:25:46,100 --> 00:25:50,100 Will there be some kind of ceremony? 331 00:25:50,100 --> 00:25:54,620 Notice that in this response, you're being constructive because you are deliberately 332 00:25:54,620 --> 00:26:00,580 seeking to maintain and support the connection and sense of harmony in the relationship without 333 00:26:00,580 --> 00:26:07,020 strictly needing to agree or be on the same page emotionally. 334 00:26:07,020 --> 00:26:09,900 A few final tips. 335 00:26:09,900 --> 00:26:15,780 Be careful about sudden topic changes, mid-conversation, even if you don't mean it. 336 00:26:15,780 --> 00:26:22,940 Somebody switching can leave the other person feeling abandoned, dismissed, or ignored. 337 00:26:22,940 --> 00:26:28,340 Try not to be suddenly distracted by something else going around you, or abruptly mention 338 00:26:28,340 --> 00:26:34,860 something you just thought of before the conversation feels like it has naturally come to a close. 339 00:26:34,860 --> 00:26:41,740 Occasionally, you will encounter passive-aggressive responses from other people, or things that 340 00:26:41,740 --> 00:26:46,340 seem okay on the surface but leave you feeling dismissed. 341 00:26:46,340 --> 00:26:49,700 If this happens, don't let it fester. 342 00:26:49,700 --> 00:26:52,380 Call it out immediately. 343 00:26:52,380 --> 00:26:58,980 Hey, I really do want to hear about what you saw at the supermarket, but I'm still talking 344 00:26:58,980 --> 00:26:59,980 about my award. 345 00:26:59,980 --> 00:27:03,900 I'm really excited about it. 346 00:27:03,900 --> 00:27:11,260 Sometimes being direct is enough to clear away possible assumptions and misunderstandings. 347 00:27:11,260 --> 00:27:18,660 Watch out for subtly invading someone's experiences or perception of an event. 348 00:27:18,660 --> 00:27:22,660 Let's say the person receiving the award is not excited at all. 349 00:27:22,660 --> 00:27:29,540 It would be just as destructive to respond with extreme enthusiasm that contradicts theirs 350 00:27:29,540 --> 00:27:36,780 or suggests in some way that their reaction is wrong. 351 00:27:37,780 --> 00:27:47,380 Have you ever spoken to someone who constantly turns the conversation back to themselves? 352 00:27:47,380 --> 00:27:52,580 You might mention a vacation they've been on, and they respond by telling you a vacation 353 00:27:52,580 --> 00:27:54,620 they've been on. 354 00:27:54,620 --> 00:27:59,860 You say you've had a bad day, and they tell you they've had a worse one. 355 00:27:59,860 --> 00:28:05,300 You begin by sharing your opinion about something, and they quickly interrupt you, finishing 356 00:28:05,300 --> 00:28:08,820 your sentence with their own opinion. 357 00:28:08,820 --> 00:28:11,180 Annoying, right? 358 00:28:11,180 --> 00:28:17,860 If you've ever encountered this before, you'll know what conversational narcissism is and 359 00:28:17,860 --> 00:28:24,820 just how badly it can damage a sense of connection, understanding, and empathy. 360 00:28:24,820 --> 00:28:27,980 This kind of behavior may also be quite subtle. 361 00:28:27,980 --> 00:28:32,900 You may not notice it at first, but you find yourself constantly leaving conversations, 362 00:28:32,900 --> 00:28:39,140 feeling more like an audience member than an equal conversation partner. 363 00:28:39,140 --> 00:28:43,380 Conversational narcissism can look on the surface like an ordinary dialogue, but it 364 00:28:43,380 --> 00:28:44,940 isn't. 365 00:28:44,940 --> 00:28:49,620 Instead of a healthy, dynamic two and fro, such a conversation is really just a monologue 366 00:28:49,620 --> 00:28:51,940 with extra pieces. 367 00:28:51,940 --> 00:28:57,660 Sadly, all of us have the potential to be conversational narcissists. 368 00:28:57,660 --> 00:29:02,740 This bad habit is easier to spot in others when you're on the wrong end of the stick. 369 00:29:02,740 --> 00:29:07,260 But it's pretty common to fall into this trap yourself without realizing it. 370 00:29:07,260 --> 00:29:14,060 Charles Durber is a sociologist who has researched the dynamics of attention, power dynamics, 371 00:29:14,060 --> 00:29:19,780 and focus in conversations, and coined the term conversational narcissism. 372 00:29:19,780 --> 00:29:25,580 He says that no matter how subtle and complex our responses can be, they tend to fall into 373 00:29:25,580 --> 00:29:27,940 two broad categories. 374 00:29:27,940 --> 00:29:34,300 One, shift responses, two, support responses. 375 00:29:34,300 --> 00:29:40,940 Shift responses shift the focus of the conversation back onto you, while support responses maintain 376 00:29:40,940 --> 00:29:44,460 the focus on the other person, the speaker. 377 00:29:44,460 --> 00:29:49,100 It's basically a question of allowing the focus and content of the dialogue to remain 378 00:29:49,100 --> 00:29:54,660 with the other person, or deliberately saying something to steer the focus and content onto 379 00:29:54,660 --> 00:29:56,260 yourself. 380 00:29:56,260 --> 00:29:58,940 Take this example. 381 00:29:58,940 --> 00:29:59,940 Conversation 1. 382 00:29:59,940 --> 00:30:04,020 So, little Johnny started second grade today. 383 00:30:04,020 --> 00:30:06,660 Oh, gosh, second grade. 384 00:30:06,660 --> 00:30:10,940 I can still remember those days like they were yesterday, although Annie was a complete 385 00:30:10,940 --> 00:30:16,020 angel at school, so I can't complain. 386 00:30:16,020 --> 00:30:17,020 Conversation 2. 387 00:30:17,020 --> 00:30:20,540 So, little Johnny started second grade today. 388 00:30:20,540 --> 00:30:23,340 Oh, gosh, second grade. 389 00:30:23,340 --> 00:30:25,820 How's he feeling about it? 390 00:30:25,820 --> 00:30:32,100 Can you tell which comments above is a shift response and which is a support response? 391 00:30:32,100 --> 00:30:37,660 In conversation 1, the focus is on speaker A and the topic of Johnny going to second 392 00:30:37,660 --> 00:30:39,220 grade. 393 00:30:39,220 --> 00:30:44,860 Speaker B, however, shifts this focus onto themselves and introduces an anecdote about 394 00:30:44,860 --> 00:30:48,500 when their own child went to second grade. 395 00:30:48,500 --> 00:30:51,260 In conversation 2, this doesn't happen. 396 00:30:51,260 --> 00:30:58,420 Speaker B asks a question that keeps focus on the topic introduced by speaker A. Of course, 397 00:30:58,420 --> 00:31:00,940 this is a rather subtle example. 398 00:31:00,940 --> 00:31:05,340 You could say, well, speaker B's not shifting the conversation anywhere. 399 00:31:05,340 --> 00:31:09,100 They're still talking about kids going to second grade. 400 00:31:09,100 --> 00:31:14,500 Besides, speaker B isn't talking about themselves, but their child, Annie. 401 00:31:15,260 --> 00:31:21,900 However, this is why conversational narcissism can be so difficult to spot. 402 00:31:21,900 --> 00:31:27,180 If you read the two conversations again, you'll see that even though it's small, there's 403 00:31:27,180 --> 00:31:33,140 a definite shift in the first conversation that isn't present in the second. 404 00:31:33,140 --> 00:31:38,140 What's more, a conversational narcissist doesn't literally have to talk about themselves to 405 00:31:38,140 --> 00:31:39,660 dominate. 406 00:31:39,660 --> 00:31:46,420 Any time they're bringing the dialogue back around to themselves, their opinions, perspectives, 407 00:31:46,420 --> 00:31:50,900 experiences, etc., they are deliberately shifting focus. 408 00:31:50,900 --> 00:31:56,980 Now, if you recognize some of yourself in this, don't worry, it doesn't mean you're 409 00:31:56,980 --> 00:31:57,980 a narcissist. 410 00:31:57,980 --> 00:32:03,500 It's perfectly human to want to connect what others are saying with things we are already 411 00:32:03,500 --> 00:32:07,500 familiar with, and usually that means ourselves. 412 00:32:07,500 --> 00:32:13,060 The problem is when this tendency takes over and gets in the way of us connecting with 413 00:32:13,060 --> 00:32:15,620 the person in front of us. 414 00:32:15,620 --> 00:32:21,260 Sometimes in fact, our desire to come across as kind, smart, and helpful is the very thing 415 00:32:21,260 --> 00:32:24,540 that stops us from being so. 416 00:32:24,540 --> 00:32:31,220 And we may not recognize that our attempts to listen, help, or give advice are actually 417 00:32:31,220 --> 00:32:38,500 unconscious bids to keep the conversational spotlight on ourselves. 418 00:32:38,500 --> 00:32:39,900 Consider this example. 419 00:32:39,900 --> 00:32:42,540 Person A is going through a terrible divorce. 420 00:32:42,540 --> 00:32:47,620 Person B, their friend, sees their distress and offers to talk. 421 00:32:47,620 --> 00:32:49,820 Person B feels like they can help. 422 00:32:49,820 --> 00:32:54,820 They start sharing all sorts of stories about how hard it was when they got divorced a few 423 00:32:54,820 --> 00:33:02,140 years prior, and what they did that helped, and how bad it felt before it got better. 424 00:33:02,140 --> 00:33:08,700 Person B mentions how after being married twenty years the trauma of a split can be overwhelming. 425 00:33:08,700 --> 00:33:14,540 Person A, big surprise, is not encouraged in the least by this, and eventually snaps. 426 00:33:14,540 --> 00:33:16,780 Okay, fine, you win. 427 00:33:16,780 --> 00:33:18,060 You had the worst divorce. 428 00:33:18,060 --> 00:33:19,140 Good for you. 429 00:33:19,140 --> 00:33:21,660 Can we change the topic? 430 00:33:21,660 --> 00:33:25,020 Now Person B may feel surprised at this. 431 00:33:25,020 --> 00:33:27,140 Weren't they trying to help? 432 00:33:27,140 --> 00:33:30,940 Isn't it good for someone to hear that they aren't alone and that others know how they 433 00:33:30,940 --> 00:33:32,860 feel? 434 00:33:32,860 --> 00:33:37,020 If Person B is honest with themselves, however, they may have to admit that a small part of 435 00:33:37,020 --> 00:33:41,940 them was suddenly dominating the conversation in their attempt to help. 436 00:33:41,940 --> 00:33:46,580 They wanted to be the one to speak the most, to tell the story, even to be the wise person 437 00:33:46,580 --> 00:33:49,540 whose advice took center stage. 438 00:33:49,540 --> 00:33:53,340 Despite all this, Person B might have missed a crucial fact. 439 00:33:53,340 --> 00:33:58,460 Person A could not possibly feel heard because they didn't have a chance to speak. 440 00:33:58,460 --> 00:34:03,820 In trying to help, Person B forgot about Person A's story and forced them to listen 441 00:34:03,820 --> 00:34:05,740 to theirs instead. 442 00:34:05,740 --> 00:34:08,460 Not very empathetic, right? 443 00:34:08,460 --> 00:34:13,340 The above phenomenon can be especially prominent with people who genuinely believe they are 444 00:34:13,340 --> 00:34:19,180 more emotionally intelligent, empathetic, and clued up on the psychological theories 445 00:34:19,180 --> 00:34:20,540 of the day. 446 00:34:20,540 --> 00:34:22,660 But the content doesn't matter. 447 00:34:22,660 --> 00:34:27,060 If such a person is repeatedly shifting the conversation back to themselves, they will 448 00:34:27,060 --> 00:34:32,700 be felt to be poor listeners and communication will break down. 449 00:34:32,700 --> 00:34:36,860 You may find yourself inadvertently setting up a subtle battle for attention. 450 00:34:36,860 --> 00:34:43,700 You shift to yourself, then the other person, feeling slighted, shifts to themselves, fast 451 00:34:43,700 --> 00:34:49,620 forward, and the conversation is broken down, and there are only two people monologuing 452 00:34:49,620 --> 00:34:52,460 in one another's presence. 453 00:34:52,460 --> 00:34:57,580 Try to imagine that a good conversation is like tossing a ball back and forth, or playing 454 00:34:57,580 --> 00:34:58,580 tennis. 455 00:34:58,580 --> 00:35:01,740 The game only works if there is a true back and forth. 456 00:35:01,740 --> 00:35:06,620 Everything stops if one person just keeps holding onto the ball. 457 00:35:06,620 --> 00:35:11,780 Several narcissists are very resistant to tossing the ball over, and the worst damage 458 00:35:11,780 --> 00:35:14,420 may be done by the more subtle attempts. 459 00:35:14,420 --> 00:35:19,820 For example, we might respond initially with an active, constructive response, but then 460 00:35:19,820 --> 00:35:25,220 immediately follow with something that brings us back into the limelight. 461 00:35:25,220 --> 00:35:29,340 Since I had COVID, I've been absolutely exhausted all the time. 462 00:35:29,340 --> 00:35:31,660 Oh, no, have you? 463 00:35:31,660 --> 00:35:33,160 That's tough. 464 00:35:33,160 --> 00:35:34,400 Believe me, I know. 465 00:35:34,400 --> 00:35:37,680 I had COVID twice last year, and it was hell. 466 00:35:37,680 --> 00:35:42,080 Now, the above exchange is not the end of the world. 467 00:35:42,080 --> 00:35:46,760 Provided Speaker B, Grace Fiddler allows Speaker A to have their turn with the ball again, 468 00:35:46,760 --> 00:35:47,760 so to speak. 469 00:35:47,760 --> 00:35:54,240 However, look at what happens if they attempt to snatch it right back again. 470 00:35:54,240 --> 00:35:58,400 Since I had COVID, I've been absolutely exhausted all the time. 471 00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:01,000 Oh, no, have you? 472 00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:02,200 That's tough. 473 00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:03,600 Believe me, I know. 474 00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:06,600 I had COVID twice last year, and it was hell. 475 00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:07,600 Yeah? 476 00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:12,360 I've only had it once, as far as I can tell, but it was pretty bad. 477 00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:16,040 I've heard some people take months to get better. 478 00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:17,440 I didn't. 479 00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:19,480 I got better pretty quickly, thankfully. 480 00:36:19,480 --> 00:36:23,000 I have a strong immune system. 481 00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:27,960 At this point in the conversation, what option does Speaker A have? 482 00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:33,400 They can either engage in a game of one upmanship to determine who had COVID the worst or the 483 00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:39,680 most times, or who got over at the fastest and has the best immune system, or they can 484 00:36:39,680 --> 00:36:43,040 check out of the conversation entirely. 485 00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:48,120 If they continue the conversation, it becomes a tug of war rather than a friendly game of 486 00:36:48,120 --> 00:36:49,880 tennis. 487 00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:55,760 One study found that most social conversation time is devoted to statements about the speaker's 488 00:36:55,760 --> 00:37:04,720 own emotional experiences and or relationships, or those of third parties not present. 489 00:37:04,720 --> 00:37:09,440 It's understandable that people try to make sense of others' experiences by referencing 490 00:37:09,440 --> 00:37:14,320 them back to their own experiences, but as you can see, it can quickly lead to people 491 00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:21,120 getting trapped in their own self-referential bubbles, and communication suffers. 492 00:37:21,480 --> 00:37:27,960 Interestingly, a study from the Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences 493 00:37:27,960 --> 00:37:33,520 suggests that our egos can distort our sense of empathy. 494 00:37:33,520 --> 00:37:39,120 In one experiment, participants were asked to watch a video of maggots, and were able 495 00:37:39,120 --> 00:37:43,240 to understand that other people might also find the video disgusting. 496 00:37:43,240 --> 00:37:49,200 However, if the participants were asked to watch a video of cute puppies while being 497 00:37:49,280 --> 00:37:55,000 told that others were watching maggots, they tended to underestimate how negative the experience 498 00:37:55,000 --> 00:37:57,720 was for them. 499 00:37:57,720 --> 00:38:00,040 What does this tell us? 500 00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:06,920 The lead researcher, Dr. Tanya Singer, noted, the participants who were feeling good themselves 501 00:38:06,920 --> 00:38:12,920 assessed their partner's negative experience as less severe than they actually were. 502 00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:20,680 In contrast, those who had just had an unpleasant experience assessed their partner's good experience 503 00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:23,680 less positively. 504 00:38:23,680 --> 00:38:28,440 What we can conclude is that people tend to interpret other people's experiences through 505 00:38:28,440 --> 00:38:31,000 the lens of their own. 506 00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:36,520 We use our emotions to help us understand other people's, i.e., the more happy and content 507 00:38:36,520 --> 00:38:42,160 you are, the harder it is to empathize with someone else who may be suffering. 508 00:38:42,160 --> 00:38:47,920 When hearing about their suffering, you might be tempted to respond to it all as though it 509 00:38:47,920 --> 00:38:51,880 were just a hypothetical scenario and not so bad. 510 00:38:51,880 --> 00:38:58,000 Your encouragement may come across as tone-deaf, and you may launch into advice or stories 511 00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:04,440 from your own history that do nothing but center you and your own experiences. 512 00:39:04,440 --> 00:39:10,280 So how do you stamp out the bad habit of conversational narcissism in yourself? 513 00:39:10,280 --> 00:39:13,080 How do you develop real empathy? 514 00:39:13,080 --> 00:39:17,040 Here are some ways to do just that. 515 00:39:17,040 --> 00:39:22,280 Offer more support responses than shift responses. 516 00:39:22,280 --> 00:39:26,000 A shift response is not always a bad thing. 517 00:39:26,000 --> 00:39:29,760 Sometimes you want to change the topic or interject with something from your own life 518 00:39:29,760 --> 00:39:31,400 and experience. 519 00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:36,000 The question is really the balance you strike between this type of response and a more supportive 520 00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:37,840 one. 521 00:39:37,840 --> 00:39:43,640 Talk to yourself, but then be happy to shift back again. 522 00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:49,720 Make sure that you're always offering more support responses than shift responses. 523 00:39:49,720 --> 00:39:55,040 As discussed in a previous chapter, acknowledge their courage, ask a question that clarifies 524 00:39:55,040 --> 00:40:01,080 the details, say something that shows you care and are listening, or simply offer a 525 00:40:01,080 --> 00:40:06,120 response that shows you grasped the gravity of the situation. 526 00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:13,080 Wow, that sounds tough or strange or stressful or interesting. 527 00:40:13,080 --> 00:40:16,960 If you're stumped, ask a question. 528 00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:18,440 Another good trick? 529 00:40:18,440 --> 00:40:23,080 Simply show you're paying attention by saying, uh-huh, or nodding. 530 00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:27,160 It'll be appreciated far more than a shift response. 531 00:40:27,160 --> 00:40:30,720 Here's how that may look in practice. 532 00:40:30,720 --> 00:40:34,920 Since I had COVID, I've been absolutely exhausted all the time. 533 00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:37,600 Oh, no, really? 534 00:40:37,600 --> 00:40:40,080 Oh, when did you get COVID? 535 00:40:40,080 --> 00:40:42,600 No, more than a year ago, if you can believe it. 536 00:40:42,600 --> 00:40:43,800 But I'm still coughing. 537 00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:46,440 How crazy is that? 538 00:40:46,440 --> 00:40:48,120 Coughing for a year? 539 00:40:48,120 --> 00:40:51,160 Wow, I can't imagine that. 540 00:40:51,160 --> 00:40:55,200 Well, it's gradually improved, but it's taken a long time. 541 00:40:55,200 --> 00:40:57,000 It was pretty bad. 542 00:40:57,000 --> 00:41:00,680 I've heard some people take months to get better. 543 00:41:00,680 --> 00:41:02,360 I've heard that too. 544 00:41:02,360 --> 00:41:04,320 Long COVID, right? 545 00:41:04,320 --> 00:41:05,560 Exactly. 546 00:41:05,560 --> 00:41:09,320 I mean, in a way, it's been good to be reminded to slow down 547 00:41:09,320 --> 00:41:11,800 and take better care of myself. 548 00:41:11,800 --> 00:41:14,640 Did you ever test positive? 549 00:41:14,640 --> 00:41:15,680 Me? 550 00:41:15,680 --> 00:41:17,720 Actually, yes, twice. 551 00:41:17,720 --> 00:41:22,920 But it doesn't sound like it was as bad as yours. 552 00:41:22,920 --> 00:41:26,400 Notice anything interesting in the above exchange? 553 00:41:26,400 --> 00:41:31,560 After speaker B supplies three support responses in a row, 554 00:41:31,600 --> 00:41:35,080 speaker A actually shifts the conversation for them. 555 00:41:35,080 --> 00:41:38,600 So speaker B doesn't have to push anything. 556 00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:43,320 At the root of much conversational narcissism 557 00:41:43,320 --> 00:41:46,080 is the secret anxiety that we won't be heard 558 00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:48,720 unless we forcefully butt in. 559 00:41:48,720 --> 00:41:51,440 But unless we deliberately take a step back, 560 00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:53,280 we don't give other people the chance 561 00:41:53,280 --> 00:41:56,120 to show us conversational courtesy 562 00:41:56,120 --> 00:41:59,480 and be genuinely interested in what we have to say. 563 00:41:59,480 --> 00:42:03,240 Unless we give up the habit of conversational narcissism, 564 00:42:03,240 --> 00:42:05,880 we will prevent genuinely trusting 565 00:42:05,880 --> 00:42:07,800 and warm relationships from developing. 566 00:42:10,240 --> 00:42:11,080 Summary. 567 00:42:12,560 --> 00:42:15,400 Emotional intelligence is also something we do 568 00:42:15,400 --> 00:42:17,120 rather than something we are. 569 00:42:17,120 --> 00:42:19,400 Thankfully, it can be learned. 570 00:42:20,720 --> 00:42:24,360 Empathic listening is total genuine attention 571 00:42:24,360 --> 00:42:26,640 to the other person and the message 572 00:42:26,640 --> 00:42:28,120 they are trying to convey. 573 00:42:29,000 --> 00:42:31,680 Set aside your own ego and perspective 574 00:42:31,680 --> 00:42:35,680 and become genuinely curious about someone else's world, 575 00:42:35,680 --> 00:42:38,920 listening to understand rather than to respond. 576 00:42:41,040 --> 00:42:44,320 Be curious and receptive rather than reactive, 577 00:42:44,320 --> 00:42:47,440 listening to verbal and nonverbal signals. 578 00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:53,440 To respond empathically, acknowledge their courage, 579 00:42:53,440 --> 00:42:56,280 ask questions to clarify their message, 580 00:42:56,280 --> 00:42:59,640 convey that you care and check in with how they're feeling. 581 00:43:01,840 --> 00:43:05,320 Offer responses that are both active and constructive 582 00:43:05,320 --> 00:43:08,400 rather than passive and destructive 583 00:43:08,400 --> 00:43:10,080 to create trust and connection. 584 00:43:10,080 --> 00:43:13,640 Remember that your response to someone's positive expressions 585 00:43:13,640 --> 00:43:16,400 is a bigger determinant of their relationship quality 586 00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:18,720 than how you treat them when they're unhappy. 587 00:43:19,800 --> 00:43:22,680 Show genuine interest in what you're told 588 00:43:22,680 --> 00:43:26,520 and match and reflect people's emotional experiences 589 00:43:26,520 --> 00:43:28,280 rather than invalidating it. 590 00:43:30,400 --> 00:43:33,040 Practice offering support responses 591 00:43:33,040 --> 00:43:35,320 which maintain the focus on the speaker 592 00:43:35,320 --> 00:43:38,520 instead of shift responses which shift the focus 593 00:43:38,520 --> 00:43:40,760 of the conversation back onto you 594 00:43:40,760 --> 00:43:43,900 if you want to avoid conversational narcissism. 595 00:43:45,400 --> 00:43:50,200 Try not to continually center your own emotional experiences 596 00:43:50,200 --> 00:43:52,200 or interpret other people's experiences 597 00:43:52,200 --> 00:43:53,520 through the lens of your own. 598 00:43:53,520 --> 00:43:58,520 Instead, see conversation as a genuine back and forth 599 00:43:59,200 --> 00:44:02,000 and deliberately set aside yourself 600 00:44:02,000 --> 00:44:04,080 to learn more about others. 601 00:44:07,760 --> 00:44:12,760 This has been the power of EQ, social intelligence, 602 00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:17,800 reading people and how to navigate any situation 603 00:44:17,800 --> 00:44:21,000 written by Patrick King, narrated by Russell Newton. 604 00:44:22,000 --> 00:44:25,160 Copyright 2023 by Patrick King. 605 00:44:25,160 --> 00:44:27,160 Production copyright by Patrick King.